Strike Three
"Okay, people, how are we going to get a sample of what they are selling? We have narrowed down the product to two territories and my bet is that it's the Hustlers. We have to see what they are selling and if it is the stuff that is killing people. Now it has been two days too long and we still haven't made any progress," Voight stated, the frustration clear in his voice as he briefed the team, each member paying close attention.
"Sarge, they have lookouts all over the neighborhood, know most of us and seem to know a cop on sight." Adam was saying.
"Why don't we set up beyond their neighborhood and pull over people coming out." Kim said.
"Civil rights, that's why. We can't just pull them over and then what, ask if we could take a sample of the drugs that they just bought and oh by the way, that stuff might kill you quicker than you thought." Kevin said.
"Too much traffic and they'll catch on before we even get started." Jay added.
"They employ a lot of kids and are always on the lookout for more, the younger the better," Hailey said.
"Yeah, well we don't employ any," Voight replied. "The one thing they don't balk at and we're fresh out."
"Too bad," Adam joked.
"The CPD doesn't use kids in their operations." Voight reminded.
"Unless they're already in the middle of the mess and need to make a deal," Kevin clarified.
"Well, go find me some." Voight ordered.
The team had put a lot of effort into attempting to put a stop to the drugs that were making their way into the streets laced with fentanyl and/or battery acid. As if drugs weren't dangerous enough on their own, a lot of the local dealers cut it with cheaper products and upon occasion, accidentally overdo it, taking out half their clientele. But it never took long to rebound, so they there was never much concern. But it did make them very paranoid about who showed up on their streets and they didn't take kindly to strangers. The guys at the top knew the game and played it well, and didn't care much about the underlings as they were deemed disposable. Many employed kids, who, if got caught went through the system so fast, there were barely missed. They were also too terrified to speak a word about anyone or anything higher up the chain. Their bosses threw around threats like basketballs and kids accepted it all as truth with little convincing. They made use of kids of all ages and races, but liked the white kids the best, as they drew the least attention. So when the little blonde boy showed up they welcomed him with open arms.
"You lost?" A twenty-something, black man with a thick gray sweatshirt on asked.
"No." Liam answered.
"What you want?" Another man with a black hoodie asked, making it sound like one word.
"I need to make money," Liam explained.
"You a little young to be supporting a family," gray sweatshirt said.
"Well I am."
"What's your name?" Hoodie asked.
"Ryan." Liam stated, knowing it was often the name his dad used while undercover.
"Okay Ryan, tell us your story and then we'll decide if we want you workin' for us." black hoodie stated.
"My dad ain't around, when he is he just takes what little money we have and shoots or smokes it up. My mom works two jobs but she likes the taste too. Bottom line is we're not going to make rent without me bringing in some cash. We did the shelters and we're not going back. The last time some creepy guy touched my little sister and I promised her I'd never let that happen to her again." Liam said, having come up with the story on his way there.
"How old is your sister?" gray sweatshirt asked.
"Six. I can't let her be there again. You have to stay awake all the time so nobody takes your stuff or does something bad to you. Our apartment sucks, but it's ours, and we have a bedroom and a microwave and refrigerator."
"And nobody bothers you?" Hoodie asked.
"Not when we lock the doors. So please help me out. Rent is due next week."
"What you think?" Hoodie asked his partner, once again making it sound like one word.
"I think this little white boy could go a lot places and not freak the white customers out. Look little one, take this," sweatshirt said, waving another kid over and taking a tiny baggie from him to give to Liam, "take this and sell it, bring back the money and we'll go from there." He said handing Liam the bag with an 'H' logo on it that looked like baseball bats lined up like the letter.
"How much do I charge?" Liam asked, his blue eyes staring at his possible new employers.
"Twenty. You got that? Sell it for twenty dollars then bring the money back here tomorrow, same time and then we'll talk. Don't sell it or get less than that for it and don't bother coming back." Hoodie said.
"Got it," Liam said tucking it in his favorite worn out and torn winter coat from last year that Jay had nearly thrown out before Liam begged to keep it for one more winter, even though it was getting too small.
"Hey blondie, don't screw us or we'll make you wish that you were never born." Sweatshirt yelled out as Liam had turned and begun to walk away.
"My parents already make me wish that," Liam yelled back not too concerned about their threat.
"See how bad it is out here—even the white kids hate they life now." Hoodie stated shaking his head.
Liam couldn't suppress his smile as he jogged down the street. He was pretty proud of himself and his efforts. He had pulled it off—his first undercover operation. He was just like his dad, he had even thought to use the name Ryan. He nodded to himself, the smile broad and if he could have patted himself on the back he most certainly would have.
He knew that there would be some likely repercussions from this little impromptu adventure. But he had gotten what the team had needed and had found no other way to procure. Sure they'd be a little mad, but he had come through and Liam was sure they'd be grateful for that. Now he just had to find his dad and explain it all and make it sound good.
Jay had just strapped his vest on and checked his weapon. He looked up at the three story brick apartment building and then back at the rest of the team that was preparing to descend on the subject that they had been looking for and had recently been reported to be staying here at his sister's place.
The neighborhood, not far from the district, was quiet for the moment. Jay stood behind Adam's car as they all finished their preparation. As he took one last look he felt a tug at his vest. He looked down and couldn't believe the cause of it.
"Liam? What are you doing here?"
"I just had drum lesson down the street, at the other store not my normal place. Nobody came to pick me up."
"What are you talking about? I had somebody lined up. I'm sure of it." But Jay didn't look sure of anything.
"No you didn't. Ellie had an appointment and Kendal has an afternoon class this semester. You said you'd find someone to pick me up if one of the parents could get me here. Jeremy's mom got me here but nobody picked me up."
"And they let you leave by yourself after your lesson?"
"No. But I stepped outside and said you were coming, so they let me go. Then I started walking to the district but saw you first."
"Oh man," Jay said frustrated that he had left his son without care. How could he have forgotten? Clearly he had to get him out of there, the subject was known to be armed and dangerous and it was almost certain he wouldn't be taken without a violent exchange. And what were the odds that this assignment would allow him to cross paths with his ten year old son.
"I can—" but before Liam could finish his sentence a crack split the air and Liam dropped in a heap, blood pouring out from underneath him, his eyes open and blank.
Jay's mouth opened but no sound came out. There was dead silence and then the sound of Kevin and Voight running and breaching the door to the apartments. Adam was circling around the car, his eyes wide, panicked as he called in for an ambulance while Hailey came running over and knelt down next to Jay who was on his knees reaching for his son. Finally the scream that had stuck in his throat shattered the silence as Jay picked up Liam's lifeless body. The boy's arms flopped behind him, the blood had already matted his hair, the back of his skull was shattered, pieces falling away, brain matter on the street. His son was dead and it was his fault.
Jay shot up, sweat pouring from him, bile rising up in his throat. His fault, this was all his fault. He threw the blankets off and swung his legs out of bed. His sleep had been fitful at best and he had been grateful for getting that. He stood up on shaky legs and tried to swallow back his fear and devastation. What he had just seen, was it a nightmare or a memory? At that moment he had no idea and was terrified to find out. He recalled the drug buy being real. Liam being out by himself being real. But what had just gotten him out of bed in a near panic real?
He needed to remember. He remembered Liam being in big trouble, the punishment he had issued, swift and severe, its shadows still lurking in the apartment. Jay looking for assurances from both Will and Matt Casey about his actions, being assured they were warranted since it was concerning Liam's safety. Speaking to Dr. Charles at Chicago Med. But why had he spoken to him? The aftermath of what?
His shaky legs had gotten him to his bedroom doorway, it was slightly open, was that meaningful? He looked at Liam's bedroom door which was shut tight. Did that mean anything? Had they been closing it lately? He knew it was better for the door to be shut if a fire broke out, but he had always left it open so he could hear if Liam had needed him during the night.
Jay paused outside the doorway and leaned against the wall for support. He tried to steady his breathing as his hand was shaking so badly that he could barely control it. His heartbeat was thudding in his ears. He finally was able to put his hand on the doorknob. He twisted it, nearly breaking it off with his grip. He pushed the door in and then took another moment to swing his body around to look inside the room. It was dark, but his eyes were already accustomed to the shadows as he took a step inside, he looked for the telltale lump that would be his son under the covers, but it wasn't there, the bed was empty. Jay gasped as a sob rose up and he sank to his knees on the floor. It hadn't been a dream, it had been a memory. A haunting memory that his son had been taken from him because he had screwed up with childcare. His boy had died right in front of him.
"Dad?" Liam asked behind his father who was an obstacle on the floor. "You okay?"
"Oh thank God," Jay said as he released his breath.
"Did you have a bad dream?"
"The worst." He said, trying to control his breathing. He was certain he must have looked like a wild animal, feral and uncertain. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth several times as he stood up, hoping that room wouldn't begin to spin away from him. "Back to bed kid," he managed to say, his voice as steady as he could make it.
Jay had a pretty good idea what had brought about this nightmare, and he was ever so grateful it had been just that. It had been so vivid, sharp and realistic he was nearly certain it had all been real. He had dropped the ball a few weeks back. Not really dropped it, but the ball rolled by and he failed to notice. One part was on him, he wasn't as careful as he should have been, believing his son wasn't the type to snoop. The other was a huge betrayal of trust, proving he couldn't rely on his son to always do the right thing.
He put Liam, who had been in the bathroom when he had walked into the bedroom, back into bed and retreated to his own bedroom and sorted through the timeline. They had been looking for the crew that was putting out bad batches of drugs. They hadn't been able to pinpoint the exact gang, but Liam had. The kid had gone in as a desperate child from a nearby neighborhood and convinced them to give him a packet to sell. He had brought it back to the district where he had been so proud of his actions and clearly didn't understand the fall out, yelling, lecturing, grounding and more that had followed.
The kid had gotten on the laptop one evening and read a file that Jay had minimized but failed to close. He had read of the issues with getting the drugs from two gangs that were left to test. He saw how they used kids and decided that he could be of service. Then, using Jay's phone while he was in the shower, he texted his babysitter for the following day and said she wouldn't be needed after his drum lesson. She replied that she understood and Liam had deleted both texts.
The drugs taken from the Hustlers had been the mix under suspicion, but the method to obtain them had been unacceptable and Liam had been told as much. The next day, the team, minus Liam, went after the guy in charge who was staying in a three story brick apartment building who had fired shots but hadn't hit anyone. Jay's mind had merged the two together creating a terrifying ending. Liam was fine. But Jay was still struggling with what his son had taken upon himself to do.
Previously ~
Liam, all smiles skipped up the stairs and was relieved to see the whole team assembled and discussing the topic that he had just tackled all by himself. They all turned and looked confused when he walked in, but none more so than his father.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, his face reflecting confusion, disbelief along with some anger. He looked past his son for signs of a babysitter who had must have been lagging behind. But it soon became clear that Liam was alone.
"I got what you need," Liam said walking past Jay and up to Voight. He pulled the tiny baggie from his pocket and handed it off to the Sergeant.
"What's this?" Hank asked.
"What you need." Liam explained. "The drugs."
"How'd you get this?" Voight asked as Jay walked over.
"I acted like I needed a job, you know, to sell the drugs. It said they use a lot of kids," Liam stated, wondering why the room was so quiet.
"What said they use kids?" Voight asked.
"The report." Liam replied, causing Hank's eyes to grow wide.
"And they gave you this?" Jay asked, the words spilling from his mouth as if Liam was an informant and not his son.
"Yeah. Said to sell it for twenty bucks and bring the money back and they'd give me a job. But you can test it now. It's the Hustlers."
"Looks like their logo," Adam said as he joined the fray.
"Ruzek, take this to the lab and get it tested. Halstead's, both of you, my office now!" Voight yelled.
Liam fell in step behind Hank while Jay brought up the rear. "Close the door," Hank barked and Jay complied. "Sit down," he pointed and the Halstead's both sat on the couch. "Explain this to me again, and give me details."
So Liam did. He explained how he had gotten on the laptop to play a game after Jay had gotten up to take a phone call. He noticed a document had been minimized and pulled it up and read it. Once he realized the difficulties that the unit was having in procuring the needed sample, he realized that he could be of assistance. So later that evening when Jay was in the shower he texted Kendal from Jay's phone and said she wouldn't need to pick Liam up after his drum lesson as he had it covered. He then deleted his message and her response, leaving no evidence of the conversation.
Then he pulled a map of where the hustler territory was from the report and made his own little map so he could leave his phone at home just in case Jay decided to take a look at where he was. He was able to duck out of his drum lesson early and jumped on the L and found the block he was looking for. He made the buy and here he was.
"What the hell is wrong with you!?" Hank yelled as Jay just sat trying to absorb what his child had just said.
"I helped. I got you what you needed. What you couldn't get," Liam explained, confused by the Sergeant's reaction.
"Let me get this straight, you went into gang territory and approached a dealer and lied to him?"
Liam shrugged. "Yeah. I guess so. I just went to the first corner where there was a couple of guys and they asked me what I wanted."
Hank looked like he was about either fall apart, jump out the window or punch an inanimate object. "Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable."
"But I got the drugs."
"So you've said. Do you realize, just for one second, stop and think about how dangerous this little expedition was?"
"Kids do it all the time." Liam argued.
"Because they have to. Because that street corner is their street corner. It is not your street corner. If this was such a great idea, why were you so secretive about it? Huh? Why delete your messages and lie?"
"Because I didn't want to get caught," Liam replied.
"Because you knew what you were doing was wrong!" Hank stated loudly.
"Because I wanted to make you proud. I thought I was doing something good." Liam explained looking back and forth between Hank and his father.
"You thought you were doing something good?" Jay asked, finally joining the conversation as he stood up and turned to look at his son.
"Well, yeah. I met the objective. Didn't I?" Liam said, his eyes wide.
"Take him home," Hank ordered.
Liam and Jay stood up, but Hank had Jay hang back. "Go sit at my desk and do not move," Jay warned as he stopped in the doorway and looked back at his boss.
"Shut the door," Voight said. "I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to say about your role in all of this. But I'm going to say it anyway. You clearly have to be more careful with private police documents—minimizing them isn't the solution—it was lazy and careless."
"Yeah, sorry," Jay said looking away.
"This doesn't happen again," Voight warned.
"It won't," Jay promised as he was dismissed and headed towards his son.
The ride home was fraught with tension. Jay gripped the steering wheel so hard, his hands ached, his focus on the road so complete that he saw everything and nothing at the same time. While Liam stared out his window in the back with an intensity saved for surgeons.
Neither father or son could understand why the other couldn't understand. The deadlock loomed like a low cloud threatening to unleash its drips and drops of unpleasantness. Once inside, Liam made a beeline to his room but Jay called him back. "We need to talk."
"About what? How great a job I did?" Liam challenged.
"No. About how much danger you placed yourself in."
"I'm fine."
"What you did wasn't fine. You could have been hurt or worse."
"But I wasn't." Liam said, his arms folded his face locked in an impressive effort of contempt and rebellion.
"What made you think it was okay to look at private police files?"
"I just wanted to see what it was about. But once I started reading it gave me an idea to help—to help you." Liam wanted to say, 'to be like you,' but he let it die on his tongue, because right now he wanted nothing to do with his father. In fact this conversation was the last thing he wanted to endure.
"When you grow up and go to the academy then you can help. But right now you are a child. My child. And, I in no way, approve of your actions and you knew damn well I wouldn't which is why you snuck around and lied."
"Who says I want to be a cop."
"You don't have to be a cop. But you most especially don't get to be one when you're ten years old," Jay said, his voice rising.
"Well, don't worry. I won't ever help anyone ever again," Liam yelled, being overly dramatic in the way kids always seem to be able to capture.
"You won't have the opportunity since you'll be grounded for six weeks. No electronics, including TV and phone. No friends. Extra chores. And if I say jump you had better ask how high."
"Why would you ask me to jump!?"
"Don't be a smartass." Jay warned.
"You won't even be here to make me do tricks anyway," Liam snapped.
"Okay, we're done here, go to your room." Jay said pointing to the bedroom as he walked towards Liam, his nostrils flared in anger.
"I hate you. I did good. I did great and I shouldn't be punished for it!" He then slammed his door and Jay decided to let Liam have the last word until a few seconds later when he heard the song 'Fuck the Police' blast through the door. He shook his head, ground his teeth and flung the door open, realizing he had forgotten to confiscate his son's phone, which had been intentionally left behind from the day's activities. He grabbed it and the small speaker and took them both to his room and set them down and went back deciding the punishment he had just discussed had clearly been incomplete.
A few days later Will saw his brother standing in the hallway looking down at his phone. "Did you have a good talk with Dr. Charles?" He asked as Jay reappeared after leaving the doctor's office.
"Yeah. I guess so."
"Maybe Liam should talk to him too."
"Why? Because of how I disciplined him?" Jay asked with concern in his voice.
"No. Not at all. Quit worrying about that. The kid doesn't need a shrink because you spanked him for goodness sake."
"Then what for?"
"Because he still doesn't understand how dangerous what he did was. He still can't grasp the seriousness. And he needs to."
"Yeah. You're right. I spoke to Matt Casey, because his son Kyle has been known to pull stunts like this with even more gravity. He said the hardest thing was for the kid to understand the possible consequences. Even after the kid was shot, he didn't totally get it."
"So, maybe Liam needs to understand. You've done everything you can. I've spoken to him. Sergeant Voight went off on him, but he still thinks this was all okay because he accomplished his goal."
"Yeah, maybe you're right. In fact Dr. Charles recommended that Liam see someone."
"I can set it up with him."
"Let me talk to him first. I want to give him some choices. Let him feel as if he has some control." Jay said as he turned to leave. He took two steps and stopped and turned back around. "Hey, do you know the old saying 'this will hurt me more than it hurts you'?"
"Yeah sure. What about it?"
"It's true. It was true for me. Hence the talk today. But I don't ever recall Dad saying it. Do you?"
"No, never. But maybe he thought it, just like you did."
"Yeah, maybe." Jay admitted.
As Jay lay in bed, he thought back on his session with the psychiatrist. Years ago he would have never believed that he would have had counseling sessions or see a psychiatrist for his problems, but somehow it seemed to be the only way to solve some of the roadblocks in his life. He wasn't able to resolve certain things all alone and he found himself grateful for the help.
"So you think you went too far?" Dr. Charles asked.
"Yeah. I mean, I hit my kid."
"Well, corporal punishment has been a source of controversy for years. Some believe in it, some don't. Some feel as if it victimized them as children, others think it set them on the right path. Let me ask you, were you spanked as a child?"
"Me?" Jay seemed surprised by the question. "Yeah, sometimes."
"How did it make you feel?"
"My dad and I didn't really get along. But I would have to say his method of discipline made me get along with him even less."
"Do you and Liam get along well?"
"I like to think so."
"Do you think it will make you get along less?"
"Well I doubt it will make us get along more."
Dr. Charles laughed. "You're probably right about that. But, as a father you know that you will have to make decisions that will anger and disappoint your son."
"Yeah, father first, friend second. I just don't want him to hate me."
"Did you hate your father?"
Jay remained quiet. "I came to talk about my relationship with my son, not my father."
"But your relationship with your father is going to have a lot of bearing on the one you have with your son. How did you and your father get along?"
"We never really clicked. I always felt that I was his cross to bear."
"Did that mean you never got along?"
"We just saw things differently. I never felt that I could go to him."
"So what did you do?"
"Talked to my brother, my mother."
"So it's important to you that Liam can come to you about anything?"
"Very. He doesn't have a mother or brother to share things with, so I want him to feel safe in the knowledge that I will always be on his side."
"But this little stunt makes it a hard line to walk on doesn't it?"
"Yeah. I mean, what he did was brave and impressive, but I can't tell him that."
"How come?"
"Because I'm afraid he'll do something else dangerous."
"So, it was important for you to ensure that he understands how reckless he was and how dangerous a situation he put himself in?"
"Of course."
"It's a tough call. Sometimes you have to prioritize."
"His safety comes first." Jay said, determination in his voice.
"Good choice. Have you told him what he did had merits of bravery, but was ill advised?"
"No. What he did was too daring and risky. I didn't want to give him any fuel to believe what he did was okay."
"Afraid he might do it again?"
"Yeah, maybe."
"When he went into his room and played that song—Fuck the Police—it felt more like it was directed specifically towards you, didn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Can't have that disrespect can you?"
"He has to understand the rules of life, that bad things can happen. He can be mad at me, but he has to understand that I'm the boss and he has to abide by my rules."
"And you're afraid that he struggles with you and your rules?"
"I'm afraid that I did everything I knew how to do and he still doesn't understand. What else can I do, what is left? That is what scares me."
"That you're not up to the job?"
"Yes and that I'm screwing it all up." Jay said, his voice rising as the emotions began to pile up.
"That is a scary feeling isn't it? It must be hard for you to be in this position, especially when you're used to being in control. In your position people do what you want them to or if that fails you can force them. Respect is important. Respect you, respect the rules. But you can't very well handcuff your son or throw him in a cell and you can't watch him every second."
"That's why I have to know he has some discipline and character. So that I know he's okay when I can't be around."
"Be a friend, be a father, too harsh, not harsh enough? I imagine you are a man that doesn't scare easily." Jay stayed quiet and looked at the floor. "Raising a child is the scariest thing of all and doing it alone, is beyond terrifying, and doing it with a demanding job, requires more energy and endurance than most possess. When to push, when to let go—it isn't a science. It's hit and miss. It's tripping over your best intentions and living to see another day. It's managing it together, and believing in the end that you both will persevere.
"You won't be perfect—none of us are. It's trial and error and doing the best that you can. He will see your efforts, maybe not always understand them, but one day he may.
"This picture that you brought me, the one he drew a few months ago—I think we can both agree that Liam sees your job as something that keeps you apart." Voight had shared the picture with Jay that Liam had drawn the one night at the district showing the two separated by handcuffs, guns and other necessities of police work. The thought had been that perhaps Liam believed that if he made his father proud, it would somehow bring the man home earlier each day or in someway give them more time together. Jay had taken the picture to his session with Dr. Charles and he agreed. A son was just trying to connect with his father. Not a bad thing, unless you went about it like the ten year old had.
"Yeah. I work a lot of hours—a lot of unpredictable hours."
"And he hates that doesn't he?"
"Yes. I know one day soon, as he grows up he won't care if I'm around or not."
"But right now he wants you around, but you can't do it all."
"Yes. And sometimes I feel like I'm wasting the days where he wants me in his life and by the time I can cut back it will be too late."
"Do you think he tackled this undercover operation specifically to be closer to you? To immerse himself in your world?"
Jay shrugged. "Honestly I have no idea what to think."
"And maybe since he didn't receive the accolades he had both hoped for and expected, he might have felt a bit rejected." Dr. Charles continued.
"Fuck the police," Jay said with a sigh.
"Yeah, fuck the police." Dr. Charles echoed. "But maybe it felt more like fuck you, huh?"
"Yeah, I suppose that it did," Jay admitted.
The two men sat in silence for over a minute until Dr. Charles started the conversation again.
"You're both grieving."
"Grieving? Nobody died?" Jay replied.
"There are many reasons to grieve, death is only one of them. Watching someone leave your life is certainly cause for lament and sorrow. Liam's mother may have left on her own accord, but her departure probably felt just as final and had additional heartbreak since she did leave on her own accord."
"I guess," Jay said not really having thought of it like that.
"Losing his mother again, may have pushed him your direction even faster and harder. Wanting to be with you, please you, he jumped into an ill-advised situation. I'm sure he worries about you. You were shot recently, not long after his mother left. It's a lot for anyone to handle, much less a ten year old.
"Let me ask you, is he one to hold grudges?"
"Not really, but he tends to act out when things get tough, and when he does we talk."
"Well, perhaps you should talk before he acts out further."
"But he won't talk to me. Doing this alone—it's hard. As you've just established it's just the two of us."
"Does he ever talk to Will? A lot of times kids can open up to another adult and then they can fill you in and give you a starting point for a conversation. Has Liam ever spoken with a therapist?"
"Yes. Dr. Sawyer. But he hasn't really said much in their sessions."
"She is a very capable doctor and great with kids. But even so, sometimes the patient isn't ready. Maybe another session, with or without you might help him. If he's angry with you or just in general, he might share his feelings about what he feels is unfair."
"Might be worth a try."
"Let him decide whether you should be there or not. He needs to feel like he has some control."
"Of course."
"He'll come around." Dr. Charles encouraged.
"I hope so."
"If parenthood came with GPS, it would mostly say 'recalculating' a lot. Sometimes you just have recalculate, go a bit further and then recalculate again."
Jay had taken Dr. Charles advice and told Liam that he needed to talk to someone about what had happened. He was surprised when Liam asked for the doctor at the hospital.
"Dr. Charles?"
"Yeah. I met him when you were in the hospital. We didn't talk long, but he said if I needed to I could always tell Uncle Will that I wanted to talk. Can I talk to him?"
"Sure you can."
"I want to be alone."
"Okay," Jay agreed wondering if Liam somehow knew that he had also spoken with the psychiatrist.
Day's Later~
"Hi Liam. I'm Dr. Charles. I like your name—Liam. It rolls right off the tongue. So how are you today?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Do you know why you're here?"
"Because I got into trouble." Liam said as he looked down at the floor and shifted in his chair.
"You did didn't you. Pretty big trouble from what I understand. Can you tell me what happened?"
Liam sighed, fidgeted, but went through the whole story from beginning to end, stating he was frustrated at the reaction that he received from everyone.
"I see. So you were counting on everyone being pretty excited about what you did. But instead they were upset with you. Is that right?"
"Yeah. I did it right. I did it like my dad would have."
"Does he get congratulations when he does a good job?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"How long has your dad been a police officer?"
Liam shrugged. "My whole life."
"What did he do before that?"
"He was an Army Ranger."
"Wow. That's impressive. Tell me, how old is your dad?"
"I'm not sure. I think in his thirties."
"How old are you?"
"Ten."
"Not very close to your thirties then. Have you had any police training?"
"No."
"None at all?"
"No. I'm just a kid."
"Oh, that's right you're ten. But your dad's had a lot of training in the army and as a police officer?"
"I guess so."
"Have you had any training from the army?"
"No. I'm in fifth grade." Liam said looking at the doctor like he was stupid.
"Ah. So you're still pretty young and haven't had any training. But you knew the guys you talked to right?"
"No. I never saw them before."
"What about the neighborhood?"
"It was my first time there."
"Hmmm. So you didn't know the guys you spoke to or the neighborhood that you were in. You didn't have any kind of training—"
"But I got the drugs and helped," Liam argued beginning to see where the conversation was heading.
"You did. But think about what we just talked about and think about how things could have gone wrong."
"But they didn't."
"Has your dad ever gotten hurt on the job?"
"Yeah," Liam said quietly.
"Even with all that training and preparation, it still happens. You're right it didn't happen to you, but what if it had? Did anyone know you were there?"
"No."
"Did you have your phone in case you go hurt or lost?"
"No."
"Did your dad know where you were?"
"No."
"I guess it's a good thing nothing went wrong, especially since you haven't had any training. Liam, I think you are smart little boy and it's great that you wanted to help. But I think you got very lucky that you didn't get hurt."
"But I didn't."
"Just because you didn't doesn't mean it wasn't possible. Nobody plans on getting hurt, it just happens and sometimes it happens because of circumstances. You put yourself in circumstances that could have easily led to you getting hurt or worse. You're young, with no training, no experience, no way to protect yourself, no phone, in a strange area with strangers. Does that sound like a good idea?"
"No," Liam admitted.
"Yeah, I think you're right. Are you upset with your dad for punishing you?"
"I don't know. Maybe. But I was mad that he didn't think what I did was great."
"Did you do it to impress him?"
"I don't know. To be like him I guess."
"So how were you punished?"
I got grounded for six weeks, no electronics, no phone, no friends, no TV." Liam said, leaving out the one part that had left Jay so anxious.
Dr. Charles, knew he needed to dig deeper to see if Jay's anxiety was justified. "Tell me about the song you played after your dad took away all of your electronics."
"I still had my phone and speaker, he forgot about those, so I played a song."
"Right. Remind me the name of the song again."
"F the police," Liam admitted looking away.
"What does the F stand for?"
"I can say it?" Liam questioned.
"Only because I asked you," Dr. Charles said.
"Fuck the Police," Liam said.
"Why did you play that?" Liam shrugged. "Was it because you were in trouble?" Liam shrugged again. "Because you were punished instead of rewarded and because of that the police sucked?"
"I did their job and nobody was very excited about it."
"Why did you do their job?"
"Because I could? I don't know. I thought my dad would be proud of me."
"So when he wasn't, it made you pretty upset?"
"I guess."
"What happened when you played that song? What did your dad do?"
"He came back to my room and took my phone and speaker."
"Then what?"
"He was mad, really mad. His face was all scrunched up and his eyes were—I don't know—like they get when he doesn't see right."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that he isn't seeing what's always happening now, it means that he might be seeing something that happened a long time ago and it means that I'm in big trouble." Liam explained thinking back to the night when he had set off the firecrackers with Dylan.
"And what did he do because he was so mad?" Liam sighed and remained silent. "Did he take everything out of your room?"
"No. I still had my toys and books."
"Did he take your bed?"
"No. I need it to sleep on it."
"So after he took your phone and speaker he came back for what?"
Liam stayed quiet, looking around the room. "It was okay."
"What was okay?"
"What happened."
"What did happen?" Dr. Charles asked.
"I don't want him to get in trouble."
"Why would he get into trouble?"
Liam shrugged again. "I feel bad."
"What do you feel bad about?"
"That he had to do it."
"What did he have to do, Liam?"
"Punish me more."
"And how did he do that?" He asked as he glanced at a solemn looking Liam.
"It was my fault. I shouldn't have played that song." Liam said quietly.
"You feel bad about playing the song?"
"Yes."
"Because of your dad's reaction?"
"Yeah."
Dr. Charles needed Liam to tell him of Jay's reaction. The interaction had been eating at Jay and Dr. Charles needed to see how it affected Liam as well. If father and son were going to reconnect and move forward he needed to know their emotions.
"What do you feel guilty about Liam?"
"That he spanked me," Liam finally blurted out.
"You feel guilty because you feel you made him do that?"
"Yes. I mean I guess he didn't have to, but he had to do something and I was already grounded and stuff. I shouldn't have played the song."
"So he spanked you after you played the song?" Liam nodded. "And did it make you feel bad?"
"Uh huh."
"Because it hurt?"
"Yes, but because he didn't want to do it."
"How do you know?"
"I don't know for sure, but afterwards he didn't look so mad anymore; he looked sad. I didn't mean to make him sad."
"And you think what you did with the song made him sad?"
"Yes."
"So if you could go back and do anything different,what would it be?"
"Not playing the song," Liam admitted.
"Are you mad at your dad for spanking you?"
Liam shook his head. "No, but I am about my grounding. I mean I lost all my electronics and friends. It's going to be awful and it's forever."
"That is rough. Do you think that part is too harsh?"
"Yes."
"How come?"
"Because I did a good thing."
"So you accept your punishment for playing the song, but not for your undercover stunt?"
"Exactly," Liam stated, his eyes brightening up that the doctor seemed to understand. "I messed up playing the song, but not for buying the drugs."
"Okay," Dr. Charles began, trying to find a new method of questioning. "Did you have permission to do it? Go undercover?"
"No."
"Did you hide what you were doing?"
"Yes, till the end."
"How come?"
"Because they wouldn't let me do it."
"Why is that?"
"Because it was dangerous," Liam finally said, the light bulb flashing on.
"Yeah, it was pretty dangerous wasn't it?" Dr. Charles said as their time ended.
Will dropped Liam back off at the district and was talking to Jay when Hank called Liam into his office.
"Do you recognize this guy?" He asked showing a head shot of an individual.
"Yeah. He's one of the guys that gave me the baggy with the drugs inside." Liam answered as he studied the picture.
"Well, this is him now." Hank said pulling out a second photo showing the man's body riddled with bullets.
"Is he dead?" Liam asked, his eyes wide.
"Yes he is."
"Whoa."
"Do you see where that lifestyle gets you?"
"But I wasn't going to keep doing it. Just the one time," Liam explained.
"Well, whoever did this drive by didn't care who was doing what and for how long. This could have easily happened while you were standing there, do you get that?"
Liam's eyes were huge as he began to nod. "Yes. Yes sir." Liam said having another lesson hammered home or maybe the same one hammered further home. "I'm sorry." But he kept his thoughts to himself as he silently patted himself on the back. Yes, perhaps it was ill-advised, perhaps he had indeed gotten lucky, but he and he alone had solved a problem that nobody on the entire team could.
"What is that?" Jay asked having come over.
"A picture of a dead guy," Liam answered.
"What?" Jay asked, moving closer to get a better look. "You showed him this?" Jay asked, looking at his boss. "Liam go sit at my desk," he ordered. Liam looked at the two men but did as he was told. "You should have asked me before you did this." Jay said looking at Hank.
"You're right. I should have. But this is my unit and he needed to understand the gravity of the circumstance he put himself in. He was lucky to get out without damage."
"I agree. This is your unit and we were involved, but Sarge, I'm his father. I am." Jay said patting his chest. "And I get to make the choices about what he needs to see or not see."
"Again, you're right. I apologize. I stepped over the line." Voight agreed.
"But I can't say I disagree with it," Jay admitted looking at the picture.
He was walking back to his desk when his cell phone rang indicating it was Dr. Charles calling. He ducked into the breakroom to answer it. "Hey doc," he said quietly. "How was the session with Liam?"
"It was good. I think we made a breakthrough."
"Yeah. He seems to have a better grasp of the situation," Jay said, but decided to leave out the part where Voight had showed him the picture.
"But Jay, even though I believe Liam understands the danger that he placed himself in, that doesn't necessarily mean that he accepts it."
"But how can that be?" Jay wanted to know.
"I'm afraid his logical side understands it all, he's a very bright and engaging young man. But his emotional side, the side that wanted to please you, be a part of your world, will still struggle."
"What do I do?" Jay asked as he looked out and saw Liam pushing around a matchbox car on his desk.
"Reinforce how much you love him, how important he is to you and to everyone in the Intelligence Unit, to his friends etc. Figure out how he can help in the world now as a child, something not so dangerous. Perhaps you both can volunteer somewhere. Find a project for the two of you to do together that is preferably safer than what he did. I know your time is severely limited, but maybe take a day off, pull him out of school, set aside one day a month for an activity. Cook dinner together when you are home.
"You're a good father Jay, which is why your son wanted to please you. I know there are only so many hours in the day and there is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself when you need it. Don't forget self-care, it as just as important as taking care of Liam."
"I'll think about what I can do with him."
"Jay. I would like to talk with you a little further at some point in the future." Dr. Charles said.
"About Liam?"
"No, about you and the relationship between you and your father. Stating that you were your father's cross to bear, is a pretty heavy burden to carry."
"Ancient history."
"Maybe, maybe not. But your relationship with your father does have some bearing on your relationship with your son. Just an hour or two. I think it might help you help Liam. At least think about it."
"Okay doc. I'll think about it."
"Oh and Jay—don't worry about your actions concerning the final act of discipline you enforced—Liam is really okay with it. His frustrations aren't at all entangled with that aspect of his punishment. In fact he was worried about you—I think his guilt outweighed yours. Okay?"
"Yeah," Jay said quietly as looked over towards his son. "Okay doc, thanks."
Thank you for the reviews. I do appreciate the feedback.
Soundtrack:
Pharell Williams Runnin'
Flesh and Bone by Black Math
Born Ready Zayde Wolf