Sunday Morning

Liam stumbled out into the living room, rubbing his eyes as he squinted into the sunlit room. He immediately saw Mandy on the couch and Jay's empty bed. He sighed as he realized his dad must not have come during the night. He hoped at least he had a fun night, but Liam really wanted to have some time with him today since he had had none the day before. But since he was still gone he would probably come home tired and just want to crash on the couch and watch TV.

He sighed as he turned around and was going to head back towards his room when he saw Jay in the kitchen. Liam's eyes lit up and Jay put his finger to his lips so Liam wouldn't wake Mandy up. "Shhh, she's still sleeping," Jay whispered and Liam ran to him and jumped up into his arms.

"You came home," Liam whispered loudly.

"Of course." Jay said, having slipped out from under Shannon the previous night, leaving her angry at his sudden departure. She had misconstrued his smile and shaking head that he had nowhere more important to be, when it had actually portrayed his wonderment at ending up in this bizarre situation. So she was somewhat surprised and miffed when he extricated himself and left her in the corner as he departed for home. "What should we make for breakfast?" He asked leaving his memory behind him.

"Pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes like Tyler's mom makes."

"Dessert for breakfast?" Jay asked.

"Please? Just a few chocolate chips?" Liam begged as Jay set him down.

"Okay, a few."

Mandy could hear voices and wasn't sure if she was dreaming or had fallen asleep in the common area of the dorms. She felt a pillow under her head and felt and unfamiliar surface beneath her. She opened her eyes and realized that she had been babysitting Liam Halstead. She had a vague recollection of watching TV and starting to doze off. She had grabbed the throw pillow and blanket and curled up. Obviously she had fallen asleep, but she had a better pillow, one from a bed under her head and a second blanket over her. Jay must have given them to her when he had gotten home. She only wished she could remember. She opened her eyes and saw that she was most definitely not in the dorm room or any common area. She was clearly in the Halstead apartment. She saw Jay in sweatpants and a t-shirt with bare feet, pulling a bowl from a cabinet as Liam pointed to something.

"Mandy's awake," Liam trilled. "How many pancakes do you want?" He asked. "They're going to be chocolate chip pancakes," he declared with excitement.

She sat up and tried to pat down her wild hair, embarrassed at what she probably looked like. She excused her self and headed to the bathroom and tried to adjust everything in the hopes she would appear slightly more presentable. But her effort only proved to be useless. By the time she got back to the kitchen Liam was stirring the batter, while Jay was heating up the frying pan.

"Good morning," Jay said as she once again attempted to tame her hair.

"No use," Jay said patting his own hair, which a bit taller than normal but still relatively tidy. "Mornings were made to be casual. You should have slept in my bed. I would have taken the couch when I got home."

"When did you get home?" Liam asked.

"After you were asleep," Jay said looking at his son. "Let me see that bowl."

"I have to get the chips," Liam proclaimed heading for the counter.

"I was fine on the couch. Did you have fun?" She asked, partially hoping that he didn't.

"Whoa dude," Jay said pulling the bowl away as Liam was a bit heavy handed with the chocolate chips.

"That's not so many," he argued.

"It's plenty." Jay replied. "What did you say Mandy?"

"Did you have fun?"

"It was fine. A little dancing, a little adult time. Thank you for staying. I'll pay for the entire night."

"No big deal. Liam was great, went to bed on time with no argument. I slept through the night so it was fine. Probably quieter here than my dorm." She said as she looked at him and found herself grateful that the man was even alive. Her heart started to push blood through at an alarming rate as she recalled once again at finding Liam leaving school with the news that Jay had been shot.

Jay smiled at her as he poured out the first pancake. "Well I appreciate it. You okay?" He asked looking at the expression on her face.

"Yeah. Great. I, I just take a minute to wake up, that's all." She willed that he be careful, to live, to survive. She graduated in a few short months and would never see them again, and her heart was already aching.

An hour later, they had driven Mandy home, and both Jay and Liam were showered and dressed. "So what do we do today?" Jay asked.

"I don't know," Liam sighed.

"I know. How about the library?" Jay asked knowing that Liam loved books and Emma had often taken him to the library for story times and activities from the time he was a toddler.

"The big one? On State Street?" He asked.

"Yeah. The big one on State Street," he said speaking of the main branch of the library.

"I love that place," Liam proclaimed. "It has the giant eyeball outside."

"I know. But they don't open until one o'clock today, so let's clean up a bit and by then it should be time to go. Deal?"

"Okay." Liam agreed as he went to his room and began to tidy up while Jay tackled the living room and kitchen. It was after twelve when he realized Liam was still in his room.

"You okay bud?" Jay called out as he got to the bedroom door.

"Can I tell you something?" Liam asked.

"Of course."

"Promise you won't get mad?"

"Well, that's a hard thing for me to agree to when I don't know what it is. But I promise that we will talk it through. How about that?"

"Okay," Liam sighed as he dropped down to the floor and dove under his bed.

Jay watched the top half of his son disappear and immediately grew concerned as to what his son was reaching for. The room smelled fine so he didn't think it was anything dead. But now the fear was that it could be something alive. Liam had always wanted a pet, but the last thing Jay needed was responsibility for another living creature. Finally Liam slid back out with a plastic bag in his hand.

"It's this," Liam said as he handed the bag to Jay.

"It rattles," Jay commented, somewhat relieved that it didn't meow or scurry, as he sat down on the bed and began to untie the knot. He opened the bag and looked puzzled as he tried to understand what he was looking at. He pulled the pieces out and walked over to the desk and set them down. "Is this the plate that we all painted when you were in Kindergarten?"

"Yeah," Liam admitted.

"What happened?"

"It broke."

"I can see that. Wasn't it at the back of a cabinet?"

"Yeah. I was looking for that water bottle that I got from soccer camp last summer and I found it. It was just after mom came back—and left again. I saw it and it was in my hands and then—"

"You dropped it?" Jay supplied as Liam hesitated.

"On purpose. I threw it on the floor. Smashed it."

"Was I home?" Jay asked, his face reflecting confusion.

"No. Ellie was watching me, but she had to go to her apartment for something."

"How did you even reach it?"

"I climbed up on the counter. I thought it would break more, but it didn't. I hurried up and put the pieces in a bag and hid it under my bed."

"Why did you want to break it?"

"Because I was mad."

"Because Mom left again?"

"Yes," Liam said as a tear began to rise up. "I just got angry and threw it."

"How come you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want to get into trouble. I thought you'd be mad."

"Well, I'm not thrilled that you were climbing on the counter and smashing plates, but I do understand why you did it."

"You do?"

"Sure. It was a hard time for both of us. Our hearts hurt."

"Yeah. Yours too?"

"Of course mine too. Mine hurt for seeing her leave again and my heart hurt for all of your pain." Liam nodded, understanding. "Do you want to try and glue it?"

Liam shrugged. "I don't know. You'll be able to see the cracks."

"Kind of like our family, huh?" Jay asked.

"I guess so."

"We can glue it, but it won't the be same, just like with your mom gone, we won't be the same. But we are a family, a small one, but its ours and mom was a part of it at one time, without her you wouldn't be here."

"Yeah," Liam said quietly as he looked down.

"I'm not sure why I didn't put it on the wall after we moved."

"Cause you didn't want to be reminded."

"Reminded of what?" Jay asked as he squatted down to look at his son face to face.

"Of what we didn't have anymore. Maybe it wasn't great, but it was something. And then she left. And we did okay and got better, but then she came back. It was like getting punched on a bruise."

Jay flinched at the comparison. "Yes it was. And I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay. I'm just glad that I have you."

"Yes you do," Jay said pulling his son into a hug. "Why don't we put the pieces aside, then we can decide later if you want to glue it back together?"

"Okay," Liam nodded.

"Make sure you have your library card and let's head down there then."

"Are we taking the truck?"

"Nope, bus. Parking is a nightmare." Jay said of its location near the parks. "Bring a bag if you want to pick out a couple of books."

A half hour later the bus deposited them nearby and they walked the last bit, taking a minute to snap a picture at the giant eyeball near the library. "It's blue just like my eyes and your eyes," Liam proclaimed. Jay was pretty sure he pointed that distinction out each and every time they visited.

Once in the library, Liam breathed deeply at the smell of paper and bindings. "It's like the words are floating everywhere," he claimed as he headed toward the children and young adult section. Jay smiled as he watched his son scurry off. He had definitely inherited his love of reading and words from his mother. She always had a book nearby; if not in her hand. She had once told him that every book held a potential relationship as well as adventure, and that each word was like a smile. He didn't get it, but clearly his son did.

Jay perused his phone while Liam looked through the shelves, coming out each time with his bag a little bit heavier. "No more than five," Jay reminded him of the limit that he imposed on the number of choices. Any more than that and Jay couldn't keep track of them all.

"I know," Liam called out. "I'm choosing carefully."

Jay shoved his phone in his back pocket and wandered to the end of the aisle and watched as Liam tilted his head one way and then another, reading title after title. He pulled a book from the shelf and sat down on the floor to turn its pages. He stood back up, slid the book home and continued to look, finding another one that seemed to gain his interest. Suddenly Jay could see Emma, gazing at what was around her, a smile there, but hidden in her concentration. It made him think of the picture he had hidden away in his drawer. He had watched her focus totally isolated on Liam and he now knew that was her undoing. She had lost her sense of paranoia, watching for everyone and everything. Now too much of her vision only included her son and that had clearly made her uneasy, worried enough that she knew it was time for her to leave.

He had been on a stakeout not far from her apartment and thought he'd swing by and see if he could take Liam for some ice cream before going back to work. He thought he saw them as he passed by the small neighborhood park so he pulled over and prepared to get out and approach them, but before he opened the door he figured he had better secure the camera. Once he picked it up he decided to take a few shots. She had never posed for or allowed herself to be photographed. Jay thought it was odd, but she always appeared shy, camera-wise along with everything else, so he never pushed it. But Liam needed a picture of his mother. And Jay did too. He lined the two of them up and took several shots.

Liam had been showing her some kind of stuffed animal and she was nodding. Then they stood up from their spot next to the sandbox as the rain began to trickle down. Liam hugged the toy closely and they began to walk the block home as Emma held his hand tightly and glanced around causing Jay to sink down into his seat to stay out of sight.

He recalled the conversation that they had had at Liam's fifth birthday the week before. "You were late again," she said as Jay had walked over as Liam began chasing another child on the playground in a rowdy game of tag.

"I had to work. Plus I picked up the cupcakes." He said holding up the bakery box.

"Didn't want to come empty handed?"

"I have presents for him. They're at my apartment and their even wrapped in Minion wrapping paper. You okay?" He asked as she wasn't usually this short with him.

"Yeah, fine Jay." She snapped. "Sorry. I just need to know that you'll be there for him." She said, sighing, her tone lighter.

"I am. But you know that my job doesn't have regular hours."

"Regular hours? It's all encompassing. You're a father, he has to be your priority no matter what."

"I was a half hour late. I'm here now. I can't always leave when I want to, you know this. You said you understood."

"I do. But."

"But what?"

"But what if I need more. What if he needs more?" She asked, her voice imploring.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Go play with him." She said as Liam was looking over and calling to Jay. "Go. This is his day."

His day; Jay thought back in the present. He tried to give Liam priority when he could. He did his best to give him something special at least once a week, but in reality it was more like once a month. He was trying or at least he was convincing himself that he was.

"Look Dad!" Liam said pointing at a nearby table when he finally emerged from the shelves. "What are they doing?"

"Not sure. Let's go see," figuring this would be a good time to take advantage of some of that priority time.

They walked over and saw a librarian or volunteer with a plastic name tag that said Diane, standing behind a table that already held a few kids and adults along with several piles of square, colorful paper.

"Hello there young man. What's your name?" She asked.

"Liam." He replied.

"Well, Liam would like to come try some origami? Do you know what that is?"

Liam thought for a moment. "Paper folding. Japanese paper folding." He stated proudly.

"Very good. You are exactly right. Come pick out a piece of paper, we're going to make a crane. Is a parent with you?"

"My dad," Liam said smiling as he looked back at Jay.

"Well, Liam's dad would you like to try?"

Jay glanced at his son, whose eyes were lit up with prospect of sharing a project with him. He could hear Emma's words echoing in his brain, "this is his day." "Of course," he said coming over to Liam's side and grabbing some paper.

"I've got blue," Liam said showing Jay his blue square. "Just like the police."

"Yes it is," Jay nodded. "I have orange."

"Why?"

"Because it was your mom's favorite color."

"That's nice," Liam said nodding as the instructions and paper folding began.

Once back home Jay set down the bag of books that he had found himself carrying as Liam had decided they were just too heavy for him. "So what do we have in here?" He asked of the contents inside the bag.

"My crane and canoe that we folded. And your crane and canoe that you folded," Liam said proudly as he took the origami creations from inside the book that he had placed them inside for protection.

"What else?" Jay asked as Liam pulled out the four books that he had chosen.

"The Battles and Weaponry of the Civil War. Dragons, Griffons and other Mythological creatures. The Case of the Missing Key; a mystery. And last but not least, Crafts for Kids and Adults. Nice selection."

"It has a project that we can do with the broken plate."

"Ahh. Great. We can do that next weekend." Jay said putting the books back into the bag.

"Okay."

"Stay right here for a second," Jay said as Liam sunk into the couch. He went to his room and found the picture he had been hiding for over five years and pulled it out.

"You hid the fact that you had broken the plate, but I've been hiding something from you too."

"You have?" Liam asked, his face scrunched up in confusion.

"This," Jay said and handed it to his son.

"Mom!" Liam exclaimed.

"Yeah. She left not long after I took this." Suddenly, Liam's face twisted and fell. "What's wrong?"

"I already knew about the picture," he admitted.

"What? How?"

"I went into your room once after you took my phone when I was in trouble. I just wanted to check for something on it. I looked in your top drawer and found the picture."

"And you never told me."

"No. I didn't want to get into trouble. I went back another time to see it again, but it was gone."

"I moved it."

"Oh. I didn't know what happened to it. But I couldn't ask, because I wasn't supposed to know that it was even in there."

"You're right, you shouldn't have been in my room without permission and most definitely not looking for something that had been taken away from you. But, I'm sorry I didn't share it with you. I should have."

Liam shrugged. "I knew you took it with your big camera. I figured you needed it so it's okay. You wanted something that was just yours."

"I have that."

"What is it?" Liam questioned.

"You. You're all mine," Jay said reaching over grabbing Liam and pulling him over and tickling him, causing him to erupt into laughter. "Who's your daddy," Jay asked.

"You are," Liam laughed and squirmed. "You are."

Jay let him go so he could sit back up. "I still have that elephant toy. The one from the picture. He's in my room. Owen." Liam said suddenly serious.

"Oh yeah, Owen the elephant." Jay said knowing it sat on a shelf in Liam's room—a memory, an attachment to his mother. Perhaps identifying with the once forgotten and abandoned toy.

"He had been left in the sandbox all by himself so I asked Mom if I could take him home and take care of him. It had started to rain and I didn't want him to be out there all by himself getting wet."

"So she let you take him and take care of him." Jay said recalling the story that Emma had told him the next week when Liam insisted that Owen share their weekend.

"Yeah. We put him the washing machine first so I guess he got wet anyway. But after that he stayed in my room and I kept him close. I didn't want him to feel like he had been left all alone."

Jay just sat there thinking that Liam was his version of Owen the elephant.

That night after Liam had fallen asleep Jay noticed that the craft book had a bookmark placed in it so he flipped it open and was surprised that it held instructions for an entirely different project that he had anticipated. He guessed he would just have to wait and see what the choice was all about. He smiled as he looked over at his son. He wasn't quite sure who might be the recipient of the project, but whoever it was had found a special place in his son's heart. He looked closer at the bookmark in his hand. It had been laminated and he squinted at it in the dark before he gave up and went into the living room where the lamp was shining its soft light. The back had Emma's curly cue script that said 'I love you always and forever Liam'. The other side was a quote by a group called raising readers, that stated: Children fall in love with books because of the memories created when they snuggle up and read with someone they love. Clearly Emma had added her own words and then laminated it. And somehow Liam had held onto it all these years. How many days and nights had they snuggled together with a book? Clearly the joy had rubbed off on Liam. How many nights had he and Liam snuggled up with a book? He could easily guess it was far less and also not recently. Jay crept back into the bedroom and put the bookmark back where he had found it and kissed his son one more time on the head before closing the door and taking a big breath to help cleanse whatever it was that was bothering him.