Moments in Wonderland

"Sarge, I have to leave, Liam threw-up at school and I have to pick him up." Jay said as he walked into Hank's office.

"Oh, of course. Think you'll be out the rest of the day?"

"Yeah. I don't want to leave him with a sitter if I can stay with him today."

"Okay. Just try not to get sick."

"Right," Jay said. "Thanks." He turned and left only to come back a second later, leaning against the door frame. "Actually, that's a lie, he isn't sick." Jay confessed.

"He's not?" Voight asked as he looked back up from his paperwork, leaning back in his chair and bringing his hands together to form a steeple.

Jay sighed. "Do you remember a few months ago when you told me if I needed some time—as a parent?"

"I do," Hank said thinking of their discussion when he told Jay if ever need some time to let him know.

"I need it. The last couple of cases—well, I just need it. We need it—Liam and me."

"Then you had better take it." Hank said knowing that both shooting a man in front of his son, along with Liam witnessing the whole scene with Shane Sullivan had been difficult.

"Thanks Sarge."

At school Liam had been working on a history quiz when he was suddenly told to get his stuff and go to the office. The last time this had happened Adam had come to pick him up because his father had been shot. So, it was with great trepidation that he headed to his locker and gathered his books and coat. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest. His hands were shaking and beads of sweat formed on his upper lip as he walked towards the office. He tried to breathe calmly, in and out, in and out. His face was flushed and he felt as if he was on fire.

"Hey Lame," Alex called out using his tortuous nickname for the boy. He didn't come across Liam all that often, but when he did he made sure to get some digs in whether it be verbal or physical, especially since Dylan was no longer around. "Where you going?"

Liam ignored him and continued on his way.

"Your dad get shot again?"

Liam looked over at the boy, anger rising like the red line in a thermometer that had been dipped in boiling water. "How could you joke about something like that? What the hell is wrong with you?" Liam said, gritting his teeth so he didn't yell.

"Don't be so touchy. Jeez." He said reaching out and giving Liam a shove on his shoulder.

But something inside Liam snapped and he dropped his backpack and charged the larger boy, surprising him and knocking him to the ground where Liam kicked him in the ribs and then jumped on his torso. "Don't ever say my dad's name or talk about him ever again. Leave me and all of my friends alone."

"Okay, okay. Leave me alone you freak," Alex cried out, genuine fear in his voice.

"Typical bully. You can be mean, but as soon as someone hits back you cry." Liam said with determination as he stepped back, picked up his backpack, turned and went to see what awaited him.

Jay had heard voices in the hallway and slipped out just in time to see his son take out a kid much larger than him. He debated about intervening, but Liam not only had it all under control, he also knew when it was time to stop, something Jay had struggled with just days before.

"Dad!" Liam said when looked up. "You're okay!"

"I'm just fine." Jay said as he watched Alex get up and slink away after making eye contact with him.

"Is everyone else okay?"

"They are. They didn't tell you I was here?" Jay asked.

"No. They said I had to get my stuff and go to the office—the last time that happened—" but Liam couldn't finish his sentence.

"I'm sorry, but everything is fine."

"So why are you here? Don't you have to work?"

"I am here, because today is for you and me and a surprise." Jay said as he looked at his son, his face reflecting the promise of a good time.

"A surprise?" Liam asked as his eyes jumped and his face registered excitement at what possibilities might lie ahead.

"Let's go see what it is," Jay said winking at his son.

Jay pulled up to the first parking spot he could find even thought it meant they had to walk for several blocks to get to their destination.

"Where are we?" Liam asked looking around from inside the truck. He knew they were near the lake but beyond that, he didn't have a clue.

"Come on up here for a second," Jay said patting the seat next to him.

Liam shrugged, unbuckled and heaved his body over the seat and plopped down next to his father. "Are we here because I have to see another doctor?"

"No. Do you want it to be?"

"No. I'm fine. I really am. Is it because you dumped me at Uncle Will's when I didn't listen that night and everything that I knew about Angela Nelson?"

"I didn't dump you at Uncle Will's because you didn't listen to me." Jay said looking at his son.

"But you told me to stay in the truck."

"I did."

"But I didn't."

"No you didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you come into the house when I told you not to?"

"I was worried about you. Like I said the other night, I thought it was Angela's house. I saw you go in, you didn't have your gun out—you weren't ready like you were at the restaurant You had your gun behind you in your hand ready to shoot. But at the house—you just walked inside. I sat there for a minute, but the door was open so I got out of the truck and walked towards it and then I heard you talking and then a crash. I had my phone ready to call 911."

"Well, I'm not happy you came into the house, but that's not why I left you with Uncle Will."

"Then why?"

"I needed some time alone and because I was ashamed of what you saw."

"Why? That was a bad guy right?"

"He was."

"He beat up his wife right?"

"He did."

"Then why were you ashamed?"

"Because I should have just arrested him or just gotten Michelle out."

"But you had to stop him, he wouldn't let you leave," Liam argued.

"So you saw more than you first told me," Jay said.

"Yeah, I guess. I got there when he stepped in your way. He tried to hit you and you stopped him. And then you hit him."

"And I kept on hitting him. That's the part I have a problem with. If you hadn't said anything—well, I don't know if I would have stopped."

"I said something because I didn't know if you were going to stop either." Liam admitted. Jay nodded, tears threatening to form. "But I wasn't sure I wanted you to stop. I wasn't sad that the man you shot at the restaurant almost died or this guy was beaten up. They were bad guys or at least they were doing bad things. They can't do that. Somebody has to stop them. The bad guys can't keep winning. You stop them from winning."

"I try to. But I didn't want that man that I shot to die."

"But you didn't have a choice."

"No I don't suppose I did. But what you saw with Shane, I had him down, I should have stopped on my own, not because you called out."

"Did he ever stop? Did he stop when his wife had just one bruise or one cut?"

"But that's what makes me different from him and that's important. Do you understand?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"What did you mean when you said you felt safe because I didn't hesitate?"

"Because if you hesitate then you might die. Other innocent people might die. I don't want you to die. If you hadn't stopped that man in the restaurant, people could have died. If you hadn't stopped that husband, his wife could have died. You're the good guy dad—you are."

"You are smart kid you know that?" Jay said relieved that his son thought of him as the good guy even when Jay was questioning it.

Liam shrugged. "I remember when I was little, around five, right after Mom left. You took me to the playground and I pushed another kid because I wanted the swing or a turn on the slide, something like that. You came right over, made me apologize and then took me home. You told me that you wouldn't tolerate bullying."

"But, I'm afraid that I was the bully the other night."

"No. He started it and you stopped it. Hopefully he won't ever be a bully again."

"Well I certainly hope not."

"Maybe you should talk to a doctor," Liam suggested.

"Maybe I should. That kid that you knocked over in the hallway, has he bullied you?"

"You saw that?"

"I did."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Not by me. You know I've told you that you are free to defend yourself and will never get in trouble with me. So has he bothered you before?"

"Yeah. Dylan punched him to protect me."

"I think you can manage without him now."

"Am I bully? I mean he didn't hit me this time."

"No, you still defended yourself from him. And hopefully he isn't a bully anymore either."

"So why are we here?" Liam asked as he looked out the window.

"Well, let's go find out. Wait until I come around to get you," Jay said as he climbed out of the truck and went around and opened the truck door and let Liam jump out. "Tie your shoe," he said pointing to the laces that were on the ground.

He watched as Liam squatted down and began to tie. He wondered if he had been a bully the other night, punching Shane over and over—to prove what—that he could do it? Was he out of control? What about the punishment he had handed out to Liam when he had made the drug deal and argued with Jay about it? Was there a better way? He had thought about the long list of injuries that doctor had listed at his appointment, was he really putting his son first, by exposing his own body to the type of unknowns and dangers that resulted in constant harm while on duty. He felt torn between his obligation to the city and the obligation to his son.

"All done," Liam said popping back up. He then suddenly stepped forward and hugged Jay.

"What's this for?"

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you that night and came inside that house."

Jay got down on one knee and pulled his son close. "It's okay. You get a pass this time. But you have to listen to me okay?"

"I will. I promise. So where are we going?"

"Well let's go find out," Jay said as they began to walk towards North Michigan Avenue.

"Dad," Liam said as they stopped at an intersection.

"Yeah bud?"

"I was afraid you were shot again. When they told me to get my stuff and go to the office. And then Alex said what he did about you getting shot and I freaked out."

"I'm sorry. I told them to tell the teacher that I was the one to pick you up so you wouldn't worry. I guess that part got lost when the message was relayed. As you can see I'm just fine."

"And we're together," Liam said taking Jay's hand as the light changed and it was their turn to cross the street.

"Yes we are." Jay said looking down and smiling at this son.

They walked another few blocks when Jay stopped them in their tracks and asked. "Where are we?"

Liam looked around. "I don't know. Chicago."

"Funny. Look around again. Look at the clues."

"The lake is over there." Liam said.

"Look at the building." Jay hinted.

"It looks like the Willis Tower but it's not in the right place. It's the Hancock Building," he gasped. "Are we going in?"

"Of course we are."

"Yay!" Liam said as he began to tug at his father's hand.

Being in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, the lines were short and it took very little time to get to the observation deck and the tilt windows, where they hung on tight and looked at their city from whole new angle. Jay felt it was much like the day he was trying to have—looking at his life from a different angle.

"That was great," Liam said once they were back down on the street.

"I promised you that we would go, I'm just sorry it took me so long to fulfill the promise."

"It's okay. You work hard."

Jay wasn't sure if hearing the reprieve from his son, was harder or easier on his ears. "How about lunch somewhere?"

"Yes please," Liam agreed.

Hours later as they got back home, Jay was exhausted from their afternoon. Work seemed a lot less active than spending a day with a ten year old. They had gotten lunch and then walked to Water Tower Place and hung out there for a while, window shopping at the one hundred stores the mall had to offer. Jay didn't think he'd ever get Liam out of the Lego store. Then a stop by the actual Water Tower that Liam always said reminded him of a sandcastle. Then they had to stop for a snack as they were both getting hungry again. Then it was the battle of rush hour traffic and finally home.

"I'm whipped," Jay said as they walked into the apartment. He turned on the lights and looked over at Liam noticing a sad look on his son's face. "What's wrong? Didn't you have fun today?"

"I did." Liam mumbled.

"Then why the face?"

"I'm sad because we had fun," Liam explained, leaving Jay confused.

"I'm not following," Jay said.

"Today was special, something we never do, just like when we went to St. Louis. I just don't want it to end."

"I know buddy, but if we did it all the time, then it wouldn't be special would it?"

"I guess not," Liam said looking down.

"I know I work a lot, but I promise you that I will try and do better about having more special time together. Okay?"

"Okay," Liam said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I know, I'm not so great about promises, but we did finally get to the Hancock building."

"I know," Liam replied trying to smile.

"How about we order some take out. Do you want Italian? Chinese? Thai?"

"Thai. My usual order," Liam said before disappearing into the bathroom.

Jay placed the order and and fell onto the couch and as he sat he felt something underneath him and tugged out a book. "What's this?" He asked as Liam appeared.

"My book," Liam replied looking at the paperback in his father's hand.

"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," he read thinking back to the bookmark he had found with Emma's personal message on it about bonding through reading.

"It's the one Mandy gave me. She said I could keep it. I've read it already."

"Was it good?"

"It was—it was weird and crazy."

"Well I can definitely identify with that," Jay agreed. "Would you be willing to read it again?"

"Sure," Liam said jumping over to the couch, landing next to his father.

"Okay. How about I read a few pages, then you read a few pages?"

"Okay."

"Who should start?"

"You start," Liam replied.

"Okay then," Jay said opening up the book. "Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, `and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice `without pictures or conversation?'"

As the words were said, Liam snuggled closer to his father.

Soundtrack:

Wind by Cat Stevens