.

Chapter Sixteen: Projection

Once again, I found myself sitting on my favorite bench at my favorite park. It was Saturday morning, six days since I'd turned Tsuruya into a shimmering flower pot.

An early morning text from Haruhi Suzumiya brought me here: "Meet me at the park at 10:00 AM, please. Haruhi."

The text threw me for a loop for several reasons.

First of all, I'd been getting my Saturdays off pretty regularly lately. Since blowing me, Haruhi rarely scheduled weekend brigade events — not that I inferred a connection.

Second, the text came from Haruhi, and she'd signed it with her name. Haruhi never texted me. She always called. And usually, when the SOS Brigade had something going on, she gave me lots of notice.

Thirdly, she said "please." Our brigade leader never says please. The real Haruhi says, "Meet me at the park," and she leaves the last two words of the command implied: "Or else."

Though I verified the text message came from her phone number, I feared the real Haruhi Suzumiya wasn't coming to meet me. I know how easy it is to spoof a phone number nowadays.

Then again, who would bother? And who else but an SOS Brigade member would know "the park" in question sat across from the train station?

By 9:30 AM my nerves jangled. Then, at 9:45, a girl very much resembling the genuine Haruhi Suzumiya showed up. She looked stunning as she approached in her white sundress and sandals. On her shoulder, she balanced the mop like a rifle, its head of white strands bouncing behind her as she strolled.

"Hello, Kyon." She took a seat beside me and leaned the mop against the side of the bench. "It's a wonderful day, isn't it?"

I looked at the blue sky and the sun filtering through the tree branches. "I suppose it is." I glanced at the mop. Though I wanted to ask her about the third party joining us, something told me to hold off. "Why did you want to meet here?" I asked. "Why didn't you tell me to stay after club like you usually do?"

"Because I'm the leader of the SOS Brigade and, as such, I have to maintain a certain set of standards."

Her answer seemed a bit of a non-sequitur. So what if you're the SOS Brigade leader? But I knew Haruhi didn't like to waste words, so I humored her. "You're always the leader of the SOS Brigade, aren't you?"

"I am, and I'm not. It's a choice I get to make."

Once again, her reply made no sense. I remained still so she could explain herself.

She tugged on the hem of her hip-hugging dress. "At the moment, there's nothing about me that indicates any affiliation to North High. I'm not on North High school property, and I'm not wearing a North High uniform."

"In other words," I said, catching on, "you're not part of a North-High-sanctioned club. This is not an SOS-Brigade-related event."

She nodded. "That is correct. For the purpose of this meeting, we are not SOS Brigade members."

"Why?"

"So we can talk about what we need to talk about."

"Which is…?"

"This thing, of course." She grabbed the mop handle. "We're here to talk about this mop."

My mouth dropped open. "What?"

"Look, Kyon. When you suggested getting a mop the other day—"

"The day I—"

"Yes." Haruhi cut me off. "The day you so kindly helped me with my constipation issue."

"I was glad to help."

Her cheeks reddened. "I bet you were."

"Are you plugged up again?"

"No, I'm not. Shut up and stop trying to veer me off-topic."

"Sorry. Okay, we were talking about mops."

She took a deep breath. "When you asked me for a mop, it kind of shocked me."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't think it was proper. I've told you many times about how I feel about that kind of thing."

You did? I searched my memory. The only mop-related feelings she ever expressed to me revealed her dislike of cleaning up our messes. But I could tell she had something else in mind, so I played dumb. "Huh?"

"Don't play the idiot here, Kyon. Though I must admit, it comes to you so naturally. Despite what we've been through, it wasn't right for you to come right out and ask if we could get a mop. At the time, I thought you were way too forward."

I had no idea what Haruhi was talking about. As I mentioned before, I came up with a mop as a filler line to replace what I couldn't work up the courage to say. But I didn't want to seem like a total idiot, so I continued playing along.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean for it to come across that way."

"Well, it did." Haruhi sighed. "I mean… you could have asked me for a package of handkerchiefs, or a roll of paper towels. Even a box of Kleenex might have been acceptable. But a full-on mop?" Haruhi shook her head. "I'm sorry, but it kind of floored me."

I still didn't get it, but I continued playing along. "Did it really?"

"Don't pretend you didn't think it would." She rested her hands in her lap and turned away. "But afterward, I thought about it, and I realized you're a healthy young man. You've got needs. I bet that sometimes you don't know what to do with yourself."

Knowing what to do with myself hasn't been much of a problem lately. Finding the time to do it, on the other hand…

Suddenly, an ancient memory smacked me between the eyes. I'd heard this rant before, long ago, when Haruhi and I were discussing boyfriends in homeroom.

"I'm a healthy young woman," Haruhi had told me. "I've got needs. Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. But I'm not stupid enough to get stuck with all that grief just because of some momentary urge to get all mushy. Besides, if I went out and started boy hunting, what's going to happen to the SOS Brigade?"

Haruhi Suzumiya was projecting — and she'd projected her own emotions, needs, and desires onto me. She'd run into a quandary. Her first loyalty was to the SOS Brigade, but emotional and biological needs tugged her in another direction.

Where was she going with this? I let out more fishing line. "Was my asking for a mop really too much?"

Haruhi's lips drew into a thin line, she bent forward and glared. "The volume of messes we'd have to make that would require a mop this big…" She patted the cotton head.

"So, you got upset with me the day I butt-fucked you."

She nodded. "That's right. Not because you butt-fucked me, obviously. That part was fine."

"We made a healthy mess," I interjected.

"We did." She shook her finger. "Though we made that mess purely by accident. I got flustered because I wasn't sure I felt comfortable making more of those kinds of messes with you in the future."

"Planned messes."

"I guess you could call them that."

"But the next day in homeroom, you said I could get the mop."

"Yes. After giving it some thought and considering your needs, I decided you could buy one from club funds."

After considering your own needs, I felt like correcting her. But that would have been dumb. Haruhi was obviously struggling with this.

"The SOS Brigade means a lot to you," I said.

"Yes, it does. And SOS Brigade leadership comes with a lot of responsibility. A good leader has to maintain certain standards. We're a serious organization, not some silly social club that delves into mindless mushiness every time a heater gets repaired or a bottle of Kahlua cream cracks."

Remembering those incidents brought a smile to my face. "But we've got this mop." I motioned to the third party in our conversation.

Haruhi sighed the same sigh she'd sighed so often that week. "Your request for a mop made it clear to me that you're a healthy young guy with needs. And three times now, fate has placed me in the role of allaying those needs."

Three times, fate has managed to satisfy your curiosity as well, I didn't add.

She continued. "Three times now, you've injected healthy quantities of semen into my system." She rubbed her stomach. "You've filled my belly, my womb, and my colon. And although we both agree that those three incidents couldn't be helped, I'm certain you noticed a trend."

"You noticed it too."

"That's why we're here. Not too many people realize this simple fact about our universe: when you focus your desires on something long enough and with enough intensity, it's bound to appear in your real life."

I nearly fell off the bench. That's how your universe works, Haruhi. Not the one inhabited by us mere mortals. "So you're saying my focus on having sex with you, both consciously and subconsciously, brought us to this impasse."

Haruhi frowned. "Of course, it did. And your timing sucks."

"I don't understand."

"Look, Kyon. I'm flattered that I loom that large in your consciousness, but we're riding the edge of what's proper and what's improper, and it has to stop. A good leader has to draw the line and say, 'No more.'"

"So, as the leader of the SOS Brigade, you're drawing the line."

"I have no choice."

"Does this mean I need to get rid of this mop?"

"No." Haruhi crossed her arms over her chest. "But it can't stay in the SOS Brigade clubroom."

"Because you're a good leader."

She nodded. "That's right. I would never lower my standards to that level."

The girl had dumped a ton of bricks on me, but I managed to maintain control. "So, just to clarify, when you said we could get a mop, you made a mistake."

"No. There was no mistake."

"But you've got to maintain your standing as a good leader, right?"

"Yes, I do." She stuck her index finger into my chest. "But you don't have that limitation."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Different clubs have different rules. For the sake of argument, let's say you formed a club."

"The Mop Club," I offered.

"That's fine. Let's say you formed the Mop Club. You're the president, and you recruited me to be your number-one member."

"You'd join a club like that?"

Haruhi nodded. "I believe a club like that has the potential to maintain my interest."

"Okay, then." I grabbed the mop, laid its shaft on our laps, and stroked its fluffy cotton-stranded end like it was the head of a puppy. "The Mop Club is now in session." For some silly reason, we simultaneously grabbed the mop handle when I said that. I turned to her. "Great. So what exactly will this Mop Club do?"

"You're the president, so you get to determine all the Mop Club's activities."

"But I'm not bound by the same constraints you are, right?"

She nodded. "And I freely joined this club with full knowledge of that fact."

I thought about her response for a moment. Then my jaw dropped open when I realized what Haruhi had done. It took me almost a minute to get my bearings.

She sat there quietly and waited.

I asked, "Are you implying that I could schedule club activities whose main purpose was the making of mop-worthy messes?"

After a pause, Haruhi answered. "Don't look at me. It's up to you to decide what the club activities are."

"Could we—?"

Haruhi stuck her palm in my face. "Stop asking me so many stupid questions, Kyon." She grabbed the mop handle and shook it. "We've formed the Mop Club, and you're the president. You get to decide what we do. I'm just a minion."

"When will you be available for Mop Club activities?" I asked.

She frowned. "I suppose that's a fair question. In order of priority, there's school time, SOS Brigade time, and Mop Club time."

"So," I said, "I'm free to schedule Mop Club activities when they don't conflict with those other activities."

"That's how it works."

"What if you quit the Mop Club?"

She tilted her head and squinted. "Could you imagine quitting the SOS Brigade?"

"No," I replied honestly. "I don't think I could."

"Okay, then. No more stupid questions because they're getting really tiring."

I stood, tossed the mop handle over my shoulder, and offered her my hand.

She took it and let me pull her up. "What's our destination, Mr. President?"

Mr. President, huh? I liked the sound of that.

"Well, Number One Minion..." My counter elicited a smile. "We're going to a cozy little temporary-lodging establishment located in the heart of the city. Then, for the Mop Club's first official activity, we're going to make the mother of all mop-worthy messes."

Haruhi took my arm. "Lead the way."