"I wouldn't know what the current cost is."
"Whoa! Hold up! Are you telling me that you want to retire, because you put a bun in your oven?!"
"The odd of successful implantation were incredibly low."
"Are you pregnant? This is hands down the strangest conversation we have ever had, and we work at SVU. You just had a birthday. You are…"
She cuts him off, "I am very well aware of my age. It is quite apparent to me every single time I walk into the OB/GYN's office. They look at me as if I am a fossil that will surely crack before I make it out of there."
Fin falls eerily silent. Once again he finds himself relying on his super sleuth skills. He racks he brain about the recent past. He conjures up a few sick days, and a couple instances where she looked green around the gills at a crime scene. He tries to focus on his breathing, but all he can focus on is her. His Captain, his colleague, his friend who is sitting on her couch in her navy blue satin pajamas waiting for his response. Her chest rises, and falls, and for the first time he finds himself unapologetically staring at her abdominal area.
"Let me get this straight," Fin attempts to sort his thoughts out, "you are considering retiring, because despite significantly abysmal odds you have managed to find yourself in the family way, at your age?"
"Yes."
He doesn't miss a beat, "You look terrified. I have seen you with less fear in your eyes while staring down a barrel of a gun."
"That is an accurate assessment."
"Who else knows?"
"Aside from the staff at the OB/GYN's office?"
Fin nods, "They don't really count."
"I haven't told anyone. It took me months to be able to admit it to myself. Even after I had photographic evidence I was in a state of disbelief."
"How far along are you?"
"Does it matter?" Her tone shifts an entire octave.
"The last time I checked, I am one of your longest standing friends. Who else are you going to confide in? Eighteen years, Liv, and I haven't turned my back on you yet."
"Eighteen weeks."
"I understand why you didn't tell me sooner. I can empathize with the fear of worrying that something catastrophic might happen. You should have told me. I hate that you have been struggling with this by yourself this whole time."
"I always choose to do life changing things on my own," she points out as he hand rests on her knee.
Fin places his hand on the back of hers. "But you don't have to. You have never had to. There is no rhyme or reason for you to go it alone. You have support in your life."
"I know."
"Do you feel better now that you told me?"
"Marginally," she replies.
"So do you want to talk about the elephant in the room, are or we going to live in a state of denial?"
"Go ahead."
"You decided to undergo IVF, and by some miracle you find yourself pregnant. You're worried that because the discussion took place such a long time ago that I might feel differently? Now that we are both ten years older circumstances are different."
"I am worried that we entered into a verbal contract, and suddenly, ten years later, I find myself incubating a human being, while experiencing a whole host of different hormonal cascades, and having very different worries, and feelings that I did ten years ago."
"Just lay it on me. Hit me with your best shot."
"What if I die in childbirth?"
"You have a durable health care power of attorney, and a living will," he offers reason, and logical thought to her argument.
"What if because of my age the baby is born prematurely, or…" she chokes up.
"We will cross that bridge when we come to it."
"What if, despite entering into this decision largely on my own, I suddenly feel as if this baby deserves two parents?" She drops the bomb on him.
"Okay. Honestly, I didn't see that one coming. I don't want to answer that too hastily. It's obvious that you haven't been sleeping much, and you are in a pretty precarious state right now. Can I suggest that we table this discussion until we have both had some time to rest, and reflect?"
"That seems totally reasonable," she rises from her seat to walk him out. She finds herself slightly concerned that her heart is going to beat out of her chest.
When she reaches him he envelopes her in a hug. As a pair of familiar arms are snaked around her she finds that her heart-rate begins to slow. While he offers her his reassurance he notices black, and white images lying on the kitchen counter. He lets loose of her. Olivia stands inches from him, staring back at him with a pair of exhausted looking brown eyes. He points to the pictures behind her.
"Can I see those before I go?"
Seconds later he finds himself thumbing through sonogram pictures. His mind navigates several twists, and turns as he sifts through each image. He stops at the last image, as if he is frozen. He reads, and re-reads the text on the black and white evidence. Fins' hazel eyes search the pair of brown eyes standing before him.
"You don't have to say anything," she reminds him.
"I just have so much running through my mind right now," Fin candidly admits.
"You are right we should both get some sleep."
In the morning he rises from him slumber in his quiet, empty apartment. On his way to the kitchen he walks past photos of his son, son-in law, and grandson. He passes up a picture of his squad. The pot of coffee waits on him, at the perfect temperature, and perfect time. He has become such a creature of habit that his coffee is ready when he wakes up.
He has been up most of the night thinking about the things that she has said. Is he where he wants to be in his life, or is he ready for something different, something more? She has been a good friend, hence why he offered her his seed in the first place. She has far exceeded his expectations as a mother. She's as close to a superhero as he has ever met. His mind wanders to a baby… who deserves two parents. Her words echo in his ears.
"Damnit, Liv!" He growls as his cup of coffee sits on his kitchen counter untouched.