I'm tired, both physically and mentally from the day and all I want to do is go home and sleep. It feels like these days, I don't have enough energy to do anything else. However, Haymitch has other ideas. Cause instead of turning right into our apartment building, we go straight.
"Sir, where are we going?" I ask the driver. We just past our apartment! Was the driver kidnapping us?
"Relax, we're just going to the hospital," Haymitch tells me. I'm furious now, why does Haymitch decide where I get to Go?
"Are you out of your mind?" I ask. The last thing I want to do is go to that damned place. Haymitch doesn't answer. I stamp my feet frustratingly, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Haymitch doesn't tell the driver to turn back.
"Haymitch, I'll... I'll take all your alcohol!" I warn him. Haymitch just looks at me and snorts.
"Like you could sweetheart," He rolls his eyes at me. I know he is correct, I don't even want to take care of myself. I feel like I no longer have the energy to live and Haymitch has 100's of hiding spots in his apartment. I just slump in my seat, shoulders bent in defeat. I know why he's taking me to the hospital, it's to see Gale, but I don't want to see Gale. When I first heard the news that Gale was drunk while driving. I was furious at him. After they stopped operating on him and it was safe to enter, I had punched him in the face. I would have continued if it wasn't for the doctors who had to drag me out of the room. But now, I'm too tired to care, my fire was snuffed out when that car crashed. I stare out the window, is there anyone out there that cares about me? I think, but there's no need to ask. I know there's no one. Sure, Haymitch cares but he feels like he owes my father. They were best friends. And I certainly don't care about him, everyone I love is dead. To the world, I'm just a little girl, left with no one she loves and no one who loves her. Nobody would notice if I were to disappear . I shake my head, these are dangerous thoughts, but the world is so cruel, one part of my brain answers. Shut up, I tell myself.
"Didn't say anything." Haymitch answers. Oh shit, I said that out loud.
"I'm fine Haymitch, just talking to my self," I mumble. Haymitch turns back and looks at me.
"First sign of madness." He tells me.
I'm not mad, I wanna say. But I don't, for the first time, I look at myself from the world's perspective. I don't eat or drink without getting it shoved down my mouth, I cry any second something reminds me of Prim. And now, I'm talking to myself. I realize, from the outside world, I do look crazy. Great now I'm a crazy girl with no one she loves left, no one who loves her. We pull up at the hospital, and Haymitch opens the door.
"Stop wallowing in your self-pity and get up. Go punch Gale for all I care, heard you gave him a nice black eye last time." I know what Haymitch is trying to do. He's trying to anger me, get a reaction, Feed the flames. What he doesn't know is you can't stoke a fire that's out, no matter how much firewood you throw at it. But I don't tell him about my new analogy. I just get up, maybe talking to Gale will help. Haymitch pushes me in.
"I'm not disabled Haymitch," I yell at him. Several people turn to stare at me. My face burns, add to the list of things that prove I'm a lunatic.
"We're here to see Gale Hawthorne," Haymitch tells the person. She's the same girl from when I came busting in at midnight. She looks at me with pity, and I get even angrier. I don't need her pity, I don't need anyone. So when she tells us where to go, I stroll briskly with my head held high. Haymitch has to run to keep up. I push the door open with such force it creaks and whacks Haymitch in the nose.
"SHIT!" He yells but I don't care. Gale who hears all of this jerks his head up in alarm, but when he sees it's me his shoulders relax.
"Hey Catnip," He says, his hands slightly held in front of him, as if to defend from an attack. I just sit there, not knowing what to say. I just pull a chair and sit there. Neither of us knows what to do. Haymitch comes back with a tissue box, his nose was starting to bleed. When he sees us just sitting there he just shakes his head and mutters something like "Idiots"
"WELL HAYMITCH HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS!" I snap at him. He looks taken aback.
"Jeez sweetheart, trying to get arrested?" He asks me. I curse myself. This makes me look even more crazy, probably because I am.
"Well for starters, why don't you tell her what happened Gale? The whole truth." He suggests.
"Umm okay." He fidgets, this clearly makes him uncomfortable.
"So I just got back from a party to pick up Prim from school. I was drunk, but I thought that wasn't a problem. Prim noticed and she asked me to stop. I got mad that she didn't have faith in my driving and um yeah." I thought it couldn't get worse, I was so wrong.
"You what?" I whisper. Maybe this isn't real, maybe he's just messing with me.
"Yeah, I did." He says, his head bent in shame. I realize what my best friend was saying. Prim died because of his stupidity AND ego. No NO No, my world suddenly starts spinning again, my heart beating fast. I think I'm gonna faint, I grasp my chair.
"Catnip I'm sorry," He tells me. I can't hear him, I can't hear anybody. I won't think I'm gonna be sick. I get up, stumbling for the bathroom, and hit the wall instead. Gale shoots Haymitch a concerned look and Haymitch just glares at him.
"I'm gonna take her home." I vaguely hear Haymitch say. I feel someone grab my arm to lead me somewhere. Not real, Not real, Not real I mutter over and over and over. I now know I am crazy. Haymitch calls another cab and I sit down. not real, not real, not real. My sister is dead. not real, not real, not real. Gale caused it. not real, not real, not real. Prim asked him to stop, he didn't. not real, not real, not real. I'm still alive. not real, not real, not real. These thoughts repeat over and over and over in my head. A desperate loop as I stumble into my apartment and lock the door. I crash onto my bed and curl up in a fetal position. not real, not real, not real. Ring! is that my phone? not real, not real, not real. RING!. Definitely my phone. I grab it wanting to silence the person calling when I look at the number. Oh crap, Oh crap. It's my Boss Plutarch Heavansbee. I reluctantly answer and don't even have time to say hello when I hear him screaming.
"KATNISS EVERDEEN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST WEEK? I HAVE CALLED YOU FOR DAYS, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT DEAD. WELL GUESS WHAT? YOUR FIRED!" He screams. I wince, imagining Plutarch's fat face red from hypertension. But what's worst is I lost my job.
"Not real not real not real," I cry rocking back in forth. There is silence on the other end. I start repeating every loop in my head, not caring what Plutarch hears. He's not my boss any more. not real, not real, not real. My sister is dead. not real not real, not real. Gale caused it. not real, not real, not real. Prim asked him to stop, he didn't. not real, not real, not real. I'm still alive. not real, not real. I lost my job. not real, not real, not real.
"Miss Everdeen," I can hear his professionalism starting to show cracks. I bet he's not used to crazy employees, well screw him. Screw all of them.
"Not real not real, not real," I repeat over and over.
"Um well you're fired." not real, not real, not real. My sister is dead. not real, not real, not real. Gale caused it. not real, not real, not real. Prim asked him to stop, he didn't. not real, not real, not real. I'm still alive. not real, not real, not real. I lost my job. not real, not real, not real. I repeat.
"Miss Everdeen, um your fired." But I can't hear him. Sometime later Plutarch must have hanged up because it's no longer his voice I hear.
"Haymitch, just make sure she gets the cookies okay?" I hear someone say outside. It has a familiar ring, but I can't place a finger on who it belongs to. If I weren't so incapacitated i might have cared but I have no use for cookies.
"Okay boy," I hear Haymitch respond. Silence. This goes on for how long, I don't know but I welcome it with open arms, afraid of when I have to return to reality.