"Slow Burn"(def.): an attraction for someone that is not instant, but grows over time.
-x-
Chapter Seventeen: Hearts on Fire
-x-
She had wondered once, why love was always phrased in terms of burning.
Wasn't it supposed to be sweet and saccharine? Filling you with warmth and good feelings, not conflagration and incineration.
It made the whole business of love sound a lot less romantic and a lot more torturous.
But from the second he had touched her, his fingertips leaving a trail of white hot embers in their wake, she understood.
From the way his lips set her soul alight, she understood.
The sparks between raging into a wildfire, threatening to engulf everything around them in flames.
She understood.
And there would be moments, seconds of time, where her brain would prompt her to pull away, to push him away and put space between them. To remember that he had just been talking to Zoe and accusing her of basically playing him for Ryo and it was so infuriating. She tried so hard to hold on to those emotions of anger and disappointment, tried to remind herself how callous and unapologetic he had just been minutes before.
And just when she would think it was enough, all those thoughts would disappear in a puff of smoke.
Leaving nothing else except the planets bending between them and the stars crying for what they could have. Feeling nothing except an insatiable hunger rattling her bones and this uncomfortable desire pulsing in her veins.
His lips began a torturous decent down her neck, his tongue poking out over places he knew would drive her crazy and his teeth scraping against her skin when he couldn't hold himself back.
He wanted to tear every inch of clothing off her and see her bare, covered in nothing but moonlight.
He wanted her soft moans and her harsh gasps and her ragged breaths.
He wanted her eyes squeezed shut, nails raking across his back, heart beating out of control.
He wanted to crawl out of his own skin and under hers.
And once there, he wanted to be lost inside her forever.
She grabbed him, rough and commanding, pulling his lips back to her own. A hand on his cheek with another shoved up his shirt, fighting with herself not to rip it off him.
Because it was taking all the self control she had not to.
He hooked a leg around his waist, hoisting her up and she was full entangled against him. With a hand under her, he tangled the other at the base of her scalp, grabbing fistfuls of her silky locks.
"Yamato." She breathed out, it was like a hymn.
A song.
A prayer.
And he had never heard a thing lovelier.
He could write a thousand lyrics just from that sound.
"You're so beautiful." He murmured against her lips. "So fucking beautiful, Mimi." He dropped kisses across her cheeks, skating over her ear lobe and down the hollow of her neck.
She had fingers in his hair, and a hand on his belt and in her eyes he could see the need so strong it was almost painful.
But when his hand had dipped into the waistband of her tights, fingers grazing the lacy material of her underwear, her hand immediately shot down. She enclosed her hand over his, stopping any further advancement. "Not here, not like this." She was panting, her breathing long and laborious.
And he longed to have her under him that way, pink tinged cheeks and swollen lips and her entire body convulsing.
"Where, tell me where and we'll go."
He'd take her to fucking Paris if she asked.
He wanted her so badly it was taking every single cell in his body to restrain himself.
For the first time in what seemed like a lifetime, she was far enough away to be able to look into his eyes. And it was practically disarming to see him so exposed.
Vulnerable, even.
She felt her own face softening, lips melting into a smile. "What is this, Matt?" She asked softly, fingertips gliding over the hollows of his cheeks, along the straight bridge of his nose, across his wet lips.
A shiver ran down her spine.
She used to think that Matt's talent with his mouth and hands was his music, she had been so wrong.
It was nothing compared to the way he made her body sing.
He let her down carefully, realizing the moment had passed and they wouldn't be furthering this anymore than they already had.
At least not tonight.
He pulled a hand through his hair, "I...I don't know." He wanted to have an answer for that.
He wished he did.
But he had no fucking clue where to even begin.
"I thought we'd established this wouldn't happen again." She sighed.
He knitted his brows, "No, Mimi. You decided that." He tried to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice, but it was hard.
She looked a bit affronted, "I...no I didn't!" She argued. "And besides, even if I had, it's not like you fought me on it!"
He shook his head, "What the hell was I supposed to say when you were with—" He didn't even want to finish it.
The thought of Akiyama made his insides burn.
"And I mean, all those things you said before about us not being able to be friends. What was that bullshit about!" It was all coming back to her, now that the haze of her lovelust was beginning to wear off.
He shoved his hands in his pocket, "Well, what did you expect! We hook up, drunk, you immediately say it can never happen again and the next day you act as if it didn't even happen at all!" He argued. "And you know me Mimi, I'm not the guy that cares about that kind of shit but, with you..." He hated that his voice cracked at the end, how he couldn't finish his sentences.
But jeez, he was at the end of his rope, and he was either going to climb up or hang himself.
It was do or die.
"What about me?"
"I shouldn't have to answer that, Mimi."
"Well maybe I need you to, Matt. Maybe I need to hear it! Did you ever think about that?" She demanded.
"Hear what, Mimi?" He rooted around for his lighter. "Why do I need to validate this, us, with words. Why do you need me to spell everything out for you? Is it some kind of vanity thing? You just have hear how adored and lov—
"How dare you." She seethed. "You have some nerve making this about something as superficial and contrived as my need for compliments."
"Well I don't really see any other reason for it." He shrugged.
"Don't, God, why do you have to do that!" She demanded. "Why can't we ever have a conversation without you becoming indifferent and guarded." She wanted to rip the hair out of her head, he was absolutely infuriating.
"You're the one that said none of this meant anything? Why change your tune now?"
She could've killed him, after all, patience was never her strong suit.
But she had realized something, in the last few hours contemplating the fate of their relationship and all things existential she really hated dwelling on.
She was in love with him.
On some level, she always had been.
And he was too, she just knew it.
The least she could do was try to get that across to him. "Maybe because we've been friends for the majority of our lives and it has been everything platonic and amazing and I can't imagine my life without it. Maybe because I've always loved you and cared for you so much that it would kill me if I lost you. And maybe because now, all of a sudden, everything has changed. Everything. And I'm not asking you to be the one to make sense of all this, I'm just asking for a conversation where you're not deflecting and discrediting every single emotion I have." She wasn't sure if she'd taken a breath between any of that, but it felt good to get it out.
Even if she was still absolutely frustrated, at her wit's end, with his inability to be emotionally vulnerable, even with her.
And the absolute worst part was, even though she had been hoping with all her heart that she would get through to him this time. That maybe, just maybe, he would see how much this was hurting her and how badly she just wanted them to be honest about whatever it was between them. She could see him shutting down right in front of her very eyes.
He didn't say anything, didn't even look up at her.
And it was his silence that cut through her the most.
She didn't bother hiding her tears this time, she just didn't care.
"I need to know what we're doing, Matt." She begged as her voice broke and her tears fell. "I need you to tell me how you feel."
She hated how she had to plead for him to just talk to her.
"Mimi, you know I care about you and you know exactly how much." He couldn't say it, he hated himself more than ever, because he knew exactly what she wanted to hear.
And he hated himself because he was too much of a coward to say it.
She waited for him, looking at him through those beautiful honey eyes and a melancholy smile so poetic he could've painted her.
He knew that if there was anything in the world that was absolutely perfect, molded by the best hands, reincarnated from something ethereal—it was her.
"I'm not going to wait for you, Matt." Her voice was small and sad. "If I walk away now, this—whatever it is—is over. No more ambush kisses loaded with ambiguity, no more jealous monologues about who I can and can't spend my time with. You can either be my friend or you can leave me alone." She was hardly this callous, so finite and rigid.
She didn't believe in hard and fast rules.
She was never the type to be black and white, she enjoyed the greys and pinks and intermediaries of life.
But right now, it had to be all or nothing.
He was either in or out.
And it would be hard, but she was willing to go back to being friends with him. She could forget about a few stolen kisses and some borrowed time.
But she would never be able to forget an emotional affair in which the other person (especially Matt) was unwilling to commit to something that was more than just countertop makeouts and unrequited feelings.
Still, she stood in front of him, waiting for some kind of inference that he felt something more than attraction.
That this wasn't all chemical as she had told Sora.
With a deep breath, she decided this would be her last attempt and if this didn't move him, if this didn't make him feel something...then she could walk away from this knowing she had done everything she could.
"It all changed the second you kissed me, Matt. I can't just stand here and pretend that it didn't. I...I feel everything when you look at me with those ocean eyes." She felt her heart in her throat, her head spinning, her hands shaking. "I'm not that girl, the one who can just bottle up her emotions and push them aside and act like nothing bothers me." When he cupped a hand on her cheek, thumbing away her tears with such tenderness, she wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and never let him go.
"And...and I'm not the girl who can just do these things." She gestured between them. "And not feel something, and not want more." She liked security, she craved it. "I'm the girl who falls too fast, who gives too easily, who cries too much and loves too deeply." She felt her chin wobble as her cheeks moistened. "But you know that." Because he knew her, he always had.
That was probably what hurt the most.
The fact that he could knowingly do this to her.
"Mimi…" He croaked, holding her face in his hands. "Don't, don't cry, please." It was such a feeble attempt at consolation, he hated himself. "I, I get what you're saying, okay? And I'm sorry that I…" Why couldn't he do it?
Why was this so hard for him?
It was as if he had never been introduced to the concept of language.
As if he hadn't filled pages upon pages with songs about love and loss and everything in between the two.
And right now during such a pivotal conversation, it was as if no words had ever been written.
"Believe me, I know. I, I want all those things—I want them with you." He couldn't think of anyone he'd met that was able to stir such strong emotions inside him.
Rage. Hope. Desperation. Happiness. Jealousy. Desire. Joy.
Love.
"But…?" She knew there was but.
With him, there always was.
"I love you so much, Mimi. Outside of all the romantic implications of the word, I honestly love you for who you are. Your sincerity, your goodness, you purity." All things he didn't deserve, all things he had always tainted all his life.
She was was the delicate flower budding in spring, he was the hurricane that would devastate her.
And he would never be able to forgive himself for that.
For breaking her that way.
"What is the problem then?" She asked, exasperated and pouting.
He had never seen a thing more adorable.
He caressed her cheek with the softest touch, barely ghosting over her skin. "I can't, not with you." He whispered. "You mean more to me than anything in the world, the best thing in my life and I would just ruin you." It was what he did.
She backed away from him, eyes wide. "How can you say something like that?" She was practically horrified.
"I'm shit at commitments, Mimi. I'm so fucked up when it comes to feeling things and expressing emotion and it'll never be enough for you." He knew it. "And I'll never be able to give you the things you need, not in a relationship, not as a boyfriend." The word sounded foreign and confusing. "You're always going to want more and I'm always going to disappoint you, don't you see that?" He thought she understood him by now.
That she knew better than to expect anything remotely resembling emotional stability or the promise of something permanent.
He had never been exposed to either of those things.
He never learned healthy forms of attachment or how to love someone without them leaving.
And with other girls, he had never cared to evaluate those things might affect them. but with Mimi, he just couldn't afford to be that careless.
He would always protect her, even if it was from himself.
Especially from himself.
"Who are you to decide that for me!" She was nothing if not stubborn.
Spoiled and stubborn and annoying.
Idealistic and unrealistic and completely impossible at times.
But she was his.
And for that reason, he had to leave her alone.
"I will never be good enough for you, Mimi. Not in any regard." He said, his voice rough and sorrowful. "You deserve—you are so much more than me, you'll see that sooner or later." He promised.
"No! That's just unfair and insane." She shook her head profusely. "You're looking for every reason to push me away, sabotage this before it's even begun because you're scared but I know this isn't all in my head, it can't be."
"It's not, Mimi." He owed her at least that much. "But it doesn't change anything."
Her eyes widened.
"Mimi, I'm sorry." He put his hands on her shoulders. "I just can't." And he made sure he was looking right in her eyes as he said it.
She said nothing, just blinked up at him through red rimmed eyes.
He expected her to be upset, to argue some more or yell.
But she just nodded, stepping out of his grip. "I'm not waiting for you anymore, Matt. Remember that." And there was no malice, just assurance.
She wished she hadn't given him a backward glance, regardless of how fleeting, seeing him look so broken made her want to run back into his arms and tell him she was never going anywhere.
But she couldn't.
So instead, she just kept walking, with her head down and her tears falling.
Lips meet teeth and tongue
My heart skips eight beats at once
If we were meant to be
We would have been by now
See what you wanna see
But all I see is him right now…
-x-
For the first time, she was the one avoiding him.
It wasn't in their dynamic for Mimi to be the one shying away from the tough conversations or awkward situations. But after what happened between them in the park, she had no desire to look at him let alone have a conversation.
Sora knew, Mimi had no choice but to tell her best friend when she came into their room in a fit of sobs. She wasn't sure if the redhead had been able to make heads or tails of the situation, considering she was a blubbering mess, but it made her feel better nonetheless.
Sora had given her advice, consoled her into the wee hours of the morning and played hooky from class the next day so they could have a girls day of movie marathons and indulging in ice cream.
But that was the end of it, she wouldn't mourn Matt, not in that way, at least.
She was angry, she was hurt, she was disappointed and horribly embarrassed, but she didn't blame him.
He didn't want to take that next step with her, and she had to be able to accept that.
And she did.
She understood his reasoning (well, not at all actually, but she was trying to) and regardless of that, she just wanted to put it all behind her.
She and Matt weren't star crossed lovers, they were just friends.
And it took her way too long to realize that.
Still, it didn't mean she was ready to face him and she made sure to relay that information to Sora in clear and certain terms.
She would not be attending any 'group hangs' for the foreseeable future, and she wasn't going to be the one to explain why to anyone else.
Mimi had taken to busying herself with all the activities that had nothing to do with Yamato Ishida.
She studied in the athletic complex library as opposed to the main one.
She spent much more time at practice and even began to make some good friends with the girls on the team.
Her weekends revolved around her cheer friends and the soccer guys, luckily Sora was dating Sam now (official-officially) so she got to always spend that time with her best friend as well. Tai was usually there by default and while at the beginning Matt's missing presence was palpable and she felt guilty as hell over it, she allowed herself to be selfish.
She deserved this time, this space and besides, he hated parties and going out to clubs and the general social scene anyway.
So really, he probably didn't even care.
She started taking her acting aspirations a bit more seriously, signing up for the the Spring Showcase, where the theatre club which would be a reenactment of Arthur Miller's "A View From the Bridge." She decided she would audition for the female lead—a young, beautiful, intelligent girl struggling to get the approval of her uncle for the man she wants to marry.
She knew it was a long shot, she was just a freshman after all, but it served as a healthy distraction as she poured over the play and memorized lines and acted out the parts, having Sora play the characters opposite of her.
And bless her heart, Sora had never once complained. Not even when Mimi decided to get Sora a hideous toupe to make her role for the male characters more believable.
Mimi had just stepped out of the locker room, heading towards the gym when she heard a familiar voice carrying out into the hall.
"...Well, yeah we've been seeing each other on and off lately." It was Zoe, she'd know that lilting trill anywhere.
"Are you serious, seeing each other like how?" One of her friends (or minions was probably a more appropriate word) asked, enamoured.
"Well, you know how, Cat." She laughed, "But I think it might be becoming more than just...well, the physical stuff."
"Really? That's so great, Z!"
"Yeah, I mean, I don't know what changed but he's been texting me a lot lately. Not that I'm complaining!"
Mimi cursed the feeling pin pricks behind her eyes. The way her throat was constricting right now. She hated how affected she was by this.
"I think we're going to go on a date tomorrow, he kind of hinted at it." She felt like her breakfast was coming up.
Her stomach like a hot coil had just wound itself around her insides.
She had this dreadful feeling of what she was going to hear if she kept standing here, but she couldn't leave. It was as if she had been paralyzed by the sound, she willed herself to walk back into the locker room, but her feet just wouldn't move.
"He's so...mysterious." She could practically see the starry eyed gaze, hear the longing. "So unpredictable but I don't know, I find that so attractive."
It was like being doused with a bucket of water, her eyes blinking in shock.
He wouldn't be so quick to move on, would he?
Could he really do that to her?
Mimi thought she knew Matt, thought she knew exactly how he reacted to situations and what he was and wasn't capable of.
She had been so wrong.
Was it really that easy for him to act as if their time together meant absolutely nothing at all? Because she spent nights crying over all they lost and all they could have had. She spent her days wishing he would just call her, tell her he had made a huge mistake and all he wanted was to be with her. But at the very least, the place she was in right now, she couldn't imagine being with anyone but him.
She had at least assumed that much was the same between them.
She had ended things with Ryo, not that they had ever begun, because she didn't feel right stringing him along when she was so heartbroken over Matt.
Just the thought of even touching someone that wasn't him made her want to scream.
And she had known him to be detached, hated and admired that quality of his in equal measure.
But to be this indifferent?
Like there was absolutely nothing between them and he hadn't just been kissing her as if his life depended on it. As if he didn't have feelings for her, even if he couldn't admit them.
As if they weren't in love…
But that was her answer wasn't it? He wasn't in love.
She thought she knew him so well, thought that if she would have given him these weeks (had it been months?) to process, he would realize what she had seen from the beginning.
That they were meant to be together.
But she had been so wrong, she wanted to laugh at her naivete.
For the first time in a long time (maybe even in her entire life), Mimi Tachikawa hadn't gotten exactly what she wanted.
"God, Z. Do you think he's gonna be you boyfriend?"
She couldn't listen to it anymore, she didn't need to.
She had all the answers she needed and she was never going to forgive him for this.
As far as she was concerned, Yamato Ishida wasn't her friend.
He meant nothing to her.
I'll sit and watch your car burn
With the fire that you started in me
But you never came back to ask it out.
Go ahead and watch my heart burn
With the fire that you started in me
But I'll never let you back to put it out
-x-
The sky was an inky indigo as the stars twinkled brightly against the dark backdrop. The breeze was a little cooler than she liked, as she pulled her tennis sweater a little tighter around herself. The night was still, the only thing she could hear was the sound of grass beneath her feet.
And she had been so preoccupied with her own thoughts, practically in another world entirely, that she didn't realize someone was headed right in her direction until she was barrelled into.
Her eyes squeezed shut as she expected to land on the ground with a slightly painful thud, but the fall out never came.
"Sora!" A familiar voice yelped, her eyes flew open at the sound.
A pair of bright russet eyes stared down at her. "Tai." She breathed out, as she registered his strong arms around her waist.
A hand behind her head.
A concerned look on his face, as he studied her expressions.
The breath left her lungs, she had never seen him look so...worried. "Are you alright?" He asked quickly.
She blinked a few times, "I...yeah. I'm fine." She assured him, righting herself. "And jeez, do you ever watch where you're going!" She playfully pushed his chest.
He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "Not really." He admitted. "Forgive me?" He gave her that kilowatt smile and those puppy dog eyes.
He'd been forgiven before the apology even left his lips, but she rolled her eyes anyway. "Always." She said grudgingly.
He laughed, "Well, that was easy." He grinned. "Why are you out so late, anyway?"
Sora shrugged a shoulder, "I was just kicking a ball around." She had returned it to the practice shed before leaving.
"You could've called me, Red. You know I would've loved getting you hot and sweaty." He winked.
Sora blanched, making a vomiting motion with her finger. "Please, save your best game for the girls that will actually be receptive to it." She gave him a fake smile.
Tai chuckled, "Come on, you're into soccer players now. You can't tell me you've never thought about it." He wiggled his eyebrows at her.
She ignored him, "Well, would you look at the time." She pretended to check her watch. "Looks like I've got to be...anywhere but here. Bye!"
"Sora!" He called after her through laughs. "Alright, I'm sorry!" He broke into a light jog, catching up to her speed walking.
"Don't you have anyone else to irritate?" She narrowed her eyes at him.
"I do, but you're my favorite."
"Lucky me."
"Alright, I'm done." He held up his hands. "How about I just walk you? It's late and I'm not going to feel right with myself if I don't make sure you get back to your room safely." That part was one hundred percent true.
He cared about Sora alot, and he knew she didn't necessarily need his protection, that she could take care of herself, but he would feel better seeing her off.
Her expression softened, "Couldn't hurt." She knew better than to argue with Tai when it came to his preconceived notions about safety.
"So, what have you been up to?" He asked easily.
"Studying, mostly. The semester is going to end soon and I just want to get ahead of finals before they come crashing down like a tsunami." She sighed.
"I hear ya."
Sora let out a snort, "You're so full of it. When's the last time you opened a book?" She teased.
Tai tapped his chin, "Well, there was that one time in the sixth grade…" He threw an arm over her shoulders.
"Ack, I'm sweaty." She warned.
"And?"
She laughed, "Oh right, I forgot who I was talking to for a minute." She leaned into him a little more comfortably.
A few moments passed and she was perfectly content watching the sky stretch in front of them, breathing in hints of Tai's familiar scent and feeling warm inside. She wasn't sure what it was about him, but it was the only time she felt like she didn't have to worry.
As irresponsible and disorganized as he could be, she felt safe with him—always.
And it was different than anyone else she had ever been around.
"Soooo…" He started in a tone that made her dread whatever was coming next. "Yamato sure did a number on Mimi, huh?" And there it was.
Mostly because the context of it was so confusing and ambiguous, still. Mimi had been pretty secretive about the whole thing, she had barely given her any details and it was hard to make out what even really happened.
It was major though, whatever it was.
Because Mimi and Matt hadn't spoken in weeks.
"You tell me." Sora answered. "You live with the guy."
"As if you don't live with the girl."
Sora nodded, "True." She conceded. "Fine, I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
"I think quid pro quo was established when I initiated the conversation, pinhead."
Sora dug her elbow into his ribs, earning a yelp from him. "You first." She said over his complaints of abuse. "Sidenote—you might want to take quid pro quo out of your vernacular—it's creepy with sexual harassment undertones." She said, wrinkling her nose.
"Yeah, says the one that started with show me yours i'll show you mine." He muttered ruefully.
Sora laughed, "Not the same. Now spill." She instructed.
"Ooooh, bossy. I like it." He bent his head to her ear.
"Quit it, you pest!" She swatted him away. "Tell me what you know."
Tai sighed dramatically, "Well, if you must know… but first, swear that you'll never breathe a word of this to anyone. Ishida would kill me if he knew I was breaching his confidence." And Tai actually sounded serious about this.
As much of a blabbermouth as he could be, when it came to Matt, he was basically a vault.
He wouldn't even be talking about this right now if he didn't think it wasn't serious, and never to anyone but Sora.
She was different.
She was like an extension of himself and Matt.
He would never tell her himself, but he knew the blonde wouldn't be terribly upset if he ever found out Tai did.
"Swear, and before you say it, no I won't even tell Mimi. Okay?"
Tai nodded, satisfied. "Well, let's get the painful truths out of the way first. And please, don't shoot the messenger." He raised his brows.
Sora agreed.
"Z's been coming over, a lot. Now, I'm not going to presume to know what happens behind closed doors, 'specially when they're bedroom doors but—we both know Ishida's not a phenomenal conversationalist so I can't imagine they spend hours just talking."
Sora's mouth dropped open, "Shut up, tell me you're joking." She turned to look at him, searching for any telltale signs of mirth.
He was as serious as a heart-attack, though.
He shook his head, "Look, I don't know. Maybe they're "studying"— He put air quotes around the word. "I just think that if Mimi has any notions of the two of them riding off into a proverbial sunset, she should give them up."
Sora felt like she could cry for her friend, sure Mimi had been putting on a brave face the past few weeks but it didn't take a genius to figure out she was hurt. "That doesn't even sound like him, though, Tai." Sora said softly, because as mad as she was at Matt, she couldn't help but be concerned for him.
This wasn't him, he didn't act like this.
"You're telling me, how do you think I feel? I mean he's getting laid more than me these days!" There was mock outrage in his voice.
"Oh shush, be serious for a second, would you." She chastised. "Have you tried talking to him about it?"
"Well, yeah. But you know Ishida, he's all monosyllables and brooding glares."
"Okay, but still. He's clearly distracting himself from the real issue, and avoiding us and everyone else. It's an obvious cry for help, Tai."
Tai scratched the back of his head, "I guess, but I gotta tell ya. If it comes with a side of smoking hot blonde, I'll have whatever he's having." He smirked.
"Taichi!" Sora let out an aggravated growl.
"Alright, alright." He tapered off a few chuckles. "Look, he hasn't said much about it. I know that it has to do with Mimi mostly because as much as they think it's a secret, it's pretty obvious they have a thing for each other. And the lack of pink in our loft says enough about how that might've ended." He told her.
Sora looked mildly impressed, Tai could be pretty damn sensible when he stopped being a clown long enough to string a couple sentences together. "She told him she loved him, or at least, I think she did." Sora said with exasperation. "And Matt being, well Matt, pushed her so far away she might as well be back in America."
"Ah shit." Tai hissed, wanting to smack Ishida for his reclusive, hermit like tendencies.
His ability to shut everyone out when he felt just a little bit out of his comfort zone.
Tai had always assumed Mimi was different, he was wrong.
"She's basically thrown herself into every activity imaginable, but I know her, Tai. She's so far from being over this. I think the only thing keeping her from falling apart is thinking that Matt is in the same miserable boat."
"And with him hooking up with Z… well, she's going to find out sooner or later." He added.
Sora winced. "Ah shit." She surmised despondently.
Tai rubbed hand up and down her shoulder. "We might have our work cut out for us this time, cupid." He said lightly.
"More like Mission Impossible."
"Don't you worry that cute little brain of yours, we'll help them figure this thing out." He assured her.
Sora wasn't sure if she believed him, but she was sure it made her feel a little better just hearing him say it. "We, huh?"
Tai gave her a firm nod, "Definitely. You just take point on this mission and let me know when to go black ops. They won't know what hit 'em." He said, pumping his fist.
"Sounds perfect." She couldn't help but laugh.
-x-
Yamato felt as if that moment in the park was playing on a loop in his mind.
Each rendition more painful than the one before it.
He went back and forth between making up alternate endings to trying to convince himself he had done the right thing.
But neither of those did anything to help him.
She was all he thought about and when he slept she was all he dreamed about. He hadn't seen her in weeks and still, she was with him all the time. Everything around him reminded him of her. Every time he breathed it was as if there was an overwhelming scent of jasmine in the air. And in moments of silence, it was as if her laugh was tinkling through the air.
He was going insane.
She was driving him insane, actually.
And there was only so much he could take before he broke, he needed a distraction.
At first, he thought he would be okay with taking extra shifts at the restaurant and drowning in school work. But that hardly changed anything at all.
Everything he had and all he owned was tied to her somehow, bathed in her essence, dripping with memories of her.
He could run his entire life, cross continents, bend time and space itself—still, he would never be able to escape her.
So he found another way to distract himself, even though it did nothing except numb him for a few hours while he tried to concentrate on someone who wasn't Mimi.
He'd never be able to go through with it though, not all the way. When it would come down to the actual act of consummating, he could never actually do it.
He had no commitments to Mimi and yet he felt as if he was cheating her somehow.
Still, during the hours that Zoe would come over, it was better than being alone.
He wasn't sure if he liked her, he didn't think he would ever feel anything for anyone again, but she made being awake bearable.
And he liked her for that much, at least.
He wished he had the answers for how everything had spiraled so far out of control. He tried to make a map, retrace every misstep, every wrong turn—and when it was all said and done he would find himself right back where he started.
With absolutely no answers and a whole lot of regrets.
Sometimes he wished he could take it all back, the kisses and confessions, the surfacing of repressed feelings they had done such a phenomenal job of ignoring. And other times those moments were all he had to keep him going.
He went between hating her for complicating things, not understanding that this was probably the most difficult thing he had ever had to do. The toughest realization of his life so far. Why couldn't she have given him more time? Why was it so hard for her to realize that he processed things emotionally at a different pace than she did. Why did everything have to be on her terms, when she was ready?
Childishly, he blamed her spoiled, brattish tendencies that caused her to be so self absorbed.
He couldn't stay mad at her for it for very long though, even in his own head. Mostly because he was too busy hating himself.
His self loathing was at an all time high these days. He tried to make sense of it, tried to understand what made him act the way he did. Why he couldn't just open up to someone and trust they wouldn't hurt him. Why couldn't he just give into his feelings and allow himself to love her, when she was literally meant to be loved.
Everything about her begged adoration and reverence.
And she could get that from anyone but she chose him, that should really be enough.
But he just couldn't.
He liked to think that the main reason he was so afraid of committing to something like this was because he was protecting her from a relationship that was full of disappointment. That she deserved someone who was whole, not someone fragmented and damaged.
But when he really thought about it, it all came down to a single emotion.
Fear.
He was afraid of her, afraid of his feelings for her and what they meant. He knew he loved her, of course he fucking loved her, he had for so long it was a part of him.
Like his life's blood.
But Mimi was flighty, she was so used to having the world at her feet that she never needed to stop long enough to appreciate it. When she wanted a thing, she wanted it bad and it was all she talked about. All she thought about. And it was as if her life would end if she didn't get that very thing at that very moment.
She would fixate on whatever it was that was eluding her until she was in possession of it.
Whether it be a bag or the newest shoe or a coveted spot in some play or on some team.
But when she would get it (because let's face it, Mimi Tachikawa got everything she wanted, one way or another) it wouldn't take long for her to move on.
The novelty would wear off, she would get bored and move on to the next thing that caught her eye.
And it wasn't that he doubted her sincerity or that he thought she would treat him like an object. But it scared the shit out of him all the same.
When he would consider opening up to her that way, making her not just his best friend but significant other—integrating her into the parts of his life that she had no business being in previously. How much more he would slowly start to rely on her, whether it was her company or her support. Giving her all this power to be able to walk out of his life at any moment, taking all of that with her?
It was terrifying.
He was truly terrified to trust someone that much.
To need someone.
Especially, Mimi.
With her pure heart and unassuming innocence. With her idealistic views on love tying it to things like fate and destiny and divine intervention. And him with his caustic mentality and cynicism and inability to see the good in anything before he saw the bad.
It would never work, they were just too different.
And always, after hours and hours of mulling around scenarios in his mind, he would
come to same exact conclusion:
They were better off as friends.
She's in love with the concept
As if we're all just how she imagined
Thinks we're in love, but I just don't know it
But tell me how I'm supposed to see the magic…
When I just don't believe in it no more
-x-
A/N: WELL THAT WASN'T TOO BAD NOW WAS IT!
Can I just say, this was actually really fun for me to write (mostly because I LIVE FOR ANGST) and it kind of just flowed the way it should. There was no real hiccups this time, the momentum just kept on going. It was really great.
Things that have happened since I last saw you guys:
I went on my HONEYMOON! It was to Thailand and it was the best experience ever. The country is GORGEOUS and the weather is so amazing and the food is literally to die for. Me and my husband loved every second of it, the culture and the people are so fascinating. It was truly such an amazing experience and I recommend Thailand as a bucket list place to go to everyone.
-but the flight was seriously brutal for us, it's actually soooo far from where I live and the time difference was literally night and day so the jet lag was extreme. I was tired the whole time LOL.
Other than that, nothing really of consequence has gone on.
Alright, yeah so that was quick and easy. Let me know what you guys thought of the chapter, particularly the Matt part—I don't usually do the whole journal-y introspection angle but yeah, tell me how it was. OH AND THE MIMATO CONFRONTATION (I actually wrote that scene so long ago that I kind of forgot about it which is why I didn't mention it first lol)
Before I get to the reviews, here's the songs and all that other reference stuff:
1. Watch by Billie Eilish (Used at the end of the mimato scene and during Mimi overhearing Zoe's conversation)
2. XO by EDEN (end of chapter)
3. The first sentence of this chapter is not wholly mine (I don't think) I'm pretty sure I read that on tumblr a long time ago, if I didn't then it is me—but like better safe than plagiarized.
ONTO THE REVIEWS:
Angelxchild: Hi! Thank you for always being one of the first people to review, I can always rely on hearing back from you which is so nice, so thank you! I'm happy to hear that you like the Sora-Mimi friendship because I like writing them as BFF so much better than rivals. Tai is always a treat to write, he's so easy and goofy and lovable and I can do so much with him. Music helps me so much during the writing process, it really gives me so much inspo, so I'm glad that it has that effect on the reader as well. Thank you for the congratulations and the review, hope to hear from you soon!
Ezmeralda-28: Haha! Thank you, I love hearing that! I try to keep the pace where it's easy to follow and hopefully not TOO slow, I try to compensate the chapters where not much time has passed with like a few week time jump afterwards so hopefully that comes across. Awww, you're too sweet, honestly, everything you're saying is exactly how I feel about them as well so I'm glad it translates into the writing. I'm so happy you enjoyed the chapter so far and thank you so much for the kind words and honest review. I look forward to hearing what you thought about this chapter!
Guest (1): Thank you for the congratulations, I appreciate it! I'm glad you've been reading and with me for so long and it's very nice to hear from you :) Aww, thank you so much for that, I really try to keep myself in check when it comes to that sort of thing so I'm glad it's working out somewhat. LOL, well if it was driving you crazy before, I think the antics that went on in this chapter probably threw you over the edge, haha. Misunderstandings galore! I tried to make Zoe as likeable as possible, though the bitchy route was honestly my first choice, so that she isn't just the hated mary sue in between star crossed lovers—I honestly want to give her like a personality and backstory so it made it just a teeny tiny bit harder to want her out of the picture lol. Thank you so much for the review and for reading, I hope to hear from you again soon!
Midori Aoi: HI! I always look forward to reading your views because they're always so spot on and fun to read. LOL, hopefully this next update caught you by surprise since I usually take like forty years between updates. Haha, I love how you said that because in my head I keep thinking AM I GOING SLOW ENOUGH lmao. But I guess it's fine.
Also boy were you right about your foreshadowing about what was going to happen, because they have literally pulled away even further because of it. And as for the catastrophic, world shattering moment...well, we'll just have to wait and see what happens with that ;) LOL, I love how you're like "this story makes me weak" in the middle of your analysis, it literally made me laugh out loud.
Thank you, for the congratulations! Marriage is such an adjustment but so amazing at the same time. Ah, yes, the pesky communication thing, always a toughy. Thanks so much for the advice, it's always appreciated! Can't wait to hear what you thought of this chapter! Talk soon!
Kdesir228: Oh my gosh, have you really been following me since my polar opposites days! I love hearing from my OG readers, it's such a treat because yall really know how far I've come since then LOL. Like you guys totally get me and my flare for drama and the angst! Oh boy, did you really get married recently too, I bet we can exchange war stories (did I say war? I meant wedding…) Yes, communication is definitely key and also so hard when you're mad, but isn't that the great thing about being stuck for life, you kind of HAVE TO work it out lol.
Haha, I'm sorry for upsetting you, I agree that it was lengthy between updates but hey bright side, this time it was relatively short! Woohoo, points for me. I'm really glad you liked the way that I've been portraying Matt and Mimi so far as well as their relationship, it's hard because the impulsive part of me really just wants to give them a happy ending already, so i'm really reigning that side in LOL. Their dynamic is really fun to play around with, so I'm just testing my boundaries with it right now. Thank you so much for the review and I'm so happy you're enjoying the ride along with me. I hope you continue to read and I can't wait to hear what you thought!
Angelic Moonlight: LOL YES IT HAD BEEN EIGHT WHOLE MONTHS! I don't like to think about that lol, but thank you for sticking with me! Thank you for the heartfelt congratulations, I appreciate it so much! Well, work and school make the time go by quickly so it's good to be busy and I'm sure you'll be a great lawyer! Lots of writing and reading involved so you got that covered off the bat :)
Haha, it's always more fun to start at the end, isn't it? But yes, the Sora/Mimi dynamic is one that I love to write. It's honestly so near and dear to me, I wish that friendship would have been emphasized more in the show because there's never enough girl power, ya know? LOL, right? I feel like it would be like Sora to be like EW WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING WE EAT THERE, HELLO GERMS YUCK! Lmao
Ugh, Tai. He is literally like my fave. He makes this whole thing so fun because all the other interactions are so serious, he really just allows me to let out the fun side of things. He's such great comedic relief but also such a good friend. I'm kinda glad that everyone is feeling for Z because a.) I like her and b.) I want it to be a little bit HARD for you guys to want the mimato ending, (insert evil laugh)
OHHHH the end, it was something I struggled with, where I was like should I do this, should I not but ultimately, I think it was a believable situation and it added depth to the chapter. I'm glad you liked that line, sometimes metaphors are a bit tough for me, I never know how they're received on the other end, if I'm actually getting my point across or if it only makes sense to me lol.
AAARRRGHHH, chapter titles. I hate them. I'm supposed to be posting this a day earlier, but I can't because I'm searching for an appropriate title for the chapter…
Thank you so much for the review, I love reading it and I'm sorry if this reply was lengthy and all over the place, I just get so excited writing back LOL (I swear I have friends, I just really love you guys too)
AND HEY MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, ALL THAT BECAUSE GUESS WHAT I UPDATED BEFORE ALL THOSE THINGS :)
Hope to hear from you soon!
babydoll0826: Hi! Thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far! Haha, yes the sexual tension is thick, isn't it? Well, it hasn't been resolved just yet LOL. Thanks for the review, hope to hear from you soon!
Cancercute: HI! LOL, I literally love your reviews, we've been following each other for so long that I feel like we grew up together lmao. AHHH, I'm so happy that I made you happy, the last update really took me a while but hey this one didn't so...progress? Lol, let's face it though, this is probably a fluke, I'm so unreliable that way :(
AWW thanks so much for the congratulations, I really appreciate it.
Building the mimato relationship is actually a challenge for me, I feel like I know how to write them as like a couple that is already together or like even as two strangers meeting for the first time and immediately being drawn to each other (like in P.O) but I just never really explored the complicated friendship aspect of it, so while it's rewarding I'm always second guessing if I'm portraying the relationship correctly. It's kind of hard to gauge certain reactions so a lot of it is personal experience and just imagination. I feel like I'm still playing around with their dynamic and really seeing how far I can push the envelope. I think the spark is what really draws me in, Mimi with all her energy and sunshine and Matt with his moody broody attitude, it's just so intriguing.
I hope you like this mimato scene as much as you liked the one before, hopefully it's like a believable resolution for the time being.
Haha, yeah I'm not going anywhere any time soon, this mimato bug is hard to shake. Just when I think I'm done, I've got a new story buzzing around in my brain and I can't get rid of it. I don't know why I just love the characters and this world so much but I just can't stop LOL, I'm glad there's still people like you around to appreciate it with me :)
As always, thank you so much for taking the time out and reading and reviewing. I love hearing from you, your insight is always so welcomed and helps me immensely. Hope to talk to you soon! Let me know what you thought of this chapter!
Guest (2): Hi! Thanks for the review. Hopefully the tension is high enough, but no they didn't get it on lol.
Isabel Nightray: Hi love, always a treat to read your reviews, they're always so fun and lively. Ugh, so sorry you have so many issues with mobile ff, it must be such a pain to deal with. Hopefully, it'll be better for you this chapter? I thank you for getting your ass to a computer to read and review my work though :P
Yes thank you so much, he is kind of like a Tai-Yama mix, but he's amazing, I love him to death.
Haha, I hope you didn't have to make the 'sacrifice' of rereading all the chapters this time around, since I think I did a decent job of updating in a timely manner lol (let's face it, a month for me is like super punctual) LOL, I find it hard to write the love/makeout scenes, I usually end up editing the crap out of it like fifty times before you guys get the final product so don't worry, I'm not that much better than anyone else lol.
Aww I love writing Tai so much so I love that you love him, there was a decent amount of Tai in this chapter and I actually had so much fun writing his banter with Sora. I think my main thing with Sora's reaction was that she wouldn't have assumed Mimi would have gone that far with anyone OTHER than Matt, like it would only be him because him and Mimi have so much history and all, yaknow?
Haha, I toyed with the idea of giving Michi teases, but I was like naaahhh, I'm just gonna leave that alone, there's already enough going on with the poor girl, can't introduce another irresistible guy into her complicated love life.
Yes, I feel like the consensus with Zoe is that she doesn't quite get the hint, but I mean, can you blame the girl? Matt's kinda hard to read and he does send her mixed messages so...I'd take my shot with him too if i was her! I want to portray Z to be as likeable as possible, that's like my goal, I don't want to just make her a bitch and easy to hate.
Ohhh, I'm so glad you said that, because that's like the angle I was going for so I'm so relieved that it came across that way to you. Like I'm just kind of trying to navigate the situation in the most real and believable way possible, and the fact that you were able to relate to it makes me feel really good about where this is going. Hopefully, you still feel that way after this chapter as well!
As always, your reviews are a treat and I love them and I always love hearing what you have to say, I soooo look forward to reading what you write just like you look forward to the chapters haha. I hope to hear from you soon, can't wait to know what you thought!
Thembra: Hi! First of all, thank you for the review and for reading my work! And WELCOME, to the story! I can't believe I kept you up all night with this, it's so funny you were reading it at work too, I love that. I'm so glad it was so bingeable and not like boring or laggy, I've never like read this story in it's like entirety, the only time I read the work is when I'm editing it, so I'm always curious to know how people like it when they binge it all in one go.
Awww, that's really sweet of you to say, I'll be honest this was tricky for me, I try very hard to keep them in character as much as the setting allows. I take liberties here and there but overall my main objective is to keep it as believable and true to form as possible, so it's really nice to hear you say that.
Haha, I KNOW! It's so hard to face reality that the creators didn't even TOY with the possibility of mimato, like at least have given us something more than that phone call that launched a thousand ships, LOL.
Thank you so much for the review, I truly enjoyed hearing what you had to say and your english was very good! I wouldn't have known that it wasn't your first language if you didn't tell me! And thank you for the congratulations, it's much appreciated :)
Welcome aboard, I hope to hear what you thought of this chapter soon!
Guest (3): Hi! Thanks for reviewing! Lol, I loved all the adjectives in the review, all things I aspire to have in my story so I'm glad it's being conveyed properly! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, hope you enjoyed the latest installment, can't wait to hear what you thought!
MoonPhasing: Hi! First off, thanks so much for reviewing, it's really awesome that you took the time out to do that. Thank youuu for your kind words, it's hard to find the right flow in plot sometimes, especially in places where it drags, its something I definitely struggle with at times but it's always nice to hear that I'm not doing too bad :) Thank you for your support, hope you like this chapter and I hear from you soon!
AS ALWAYS, I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR ALL OF YOU WHO SUPPORT THIS AND ME, IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME TO HAVE YOU GUYS HERE. I HOPE THIS LATEST CHAPTER FINDS YOU ALL WELL AND YOU ENJOY IT.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I'LL SEE YOU GUYS IN THE NEW YEAR!