"Slow Burn"(def.): an attraction for someone that is not instant, but grows over time.
-x-
Chapter Nineteen: I Dreamt We Spoke Again
I dreamt we spoke,
I dreamt we spoke again...
It had been so long, your voice like a ghost
Inside my head…
-x-
The whispers had begun as Mimi got to her feet.
Without a second glance, she held her head up high and didn't bother to look at anyone in the room, not even him.
She walked into the closet, it was barely big enough for two. Shelves above her with various sporting equipment and a little string that came down from the ceiling that was attached to a light bulb.
He came in after her, the door closing behind him as she switched on the light.
It was the first time she had been this close to him in forever.
And part of her was absolutely terrified at what they would do in here for what seemed like an eternity.
Because she had put on a brave face out there, but in here, with four walls and just oxygen between them she felt like the meekest mouse.
She wished she could meet his eyes or find something to say, but she was frozen in place with her vocal cords tied up in knots.
"How've you been?" He sounded exactly the same.
The same voice that broke her heart.
She wanted to throw herself into his arms, kiss him senseless and tell him she's been so miserable without him.
But instead, she scuffed her shoe against the floor. "Fine." She said stiffly.
"The uh, the calc midterm? Was that alright?"
She let out a dry chuckle. "Seriously?" She couldn't stop the resentment from bubbling up. "First conversation in weeks and all you have to say to me is how was the calc midterm?" She balked.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Well, what the hell else am I supposed to say?" He asked in frustration.
"Literally anything else." She scoffed.
"Well I'm not that great at small talk."
"Or any talk, really."
"Okay, come on. I know that we aren't on the best of terms but—
"Best of terms?" She cut him off. "You're screwing one of my teammates behind my back, you're damn right we're not on the best of terms." She hissed.
He stumbled back, as far back as he could go anyway, in the two by four linen closet. "I'm, I'm not screwing her." He tripped over his own feet, over his own words.
So even if that had been the truth, his lackluster delivery made her sure to believe otherwise.
Mimi rolled her eyes. "Really?" She didn't believe him, not even for a second. "Because Zoe sure loves coming to practice and telling us alllll about it."
He shook his head. "We've been hanging out, that's all." He mumbled.
Mimi gave a mirthless laugh, "Whatever." She said. "It's not my business anyway."
"I'm sorry, Mimi. For all of this." He stepped a little closer. "I'm really, really sorry."
Mimi crossed her arms over her chest. "Yeah, Matt? I'm sure you are." She said honestly. "But sorry isn't good enough, not even nearly."
And he knew that.
"It's not fair to you, none of this is and I know that, okay?"
He was all downcast eyes and furrowed brows and lips pulled into a frown and normally that was enough for her to melt. But not this time, not when there was so much that had happened between them and so much that didn't.
If he didn't want to be with her, that was one thing. If he wasn't in love with her, if he didn't feel the same, fine, she could have swallowed that. She could have moved on. Maybe they would have even been able to friends.
But this?
The way he had been humiliating her and disregarding her.
Hell fucking no.
She wasn't this girl, and it might have taken Taichi Kamiya (Lord help her) to point that out to her, but she had needed to be reminded of just who she was. Not some blubbering, meek, cry-over-a-guy types.
She was strong and she was fierce and she was able to stand her own against Taylor Fujiyama. She was a force to be reckoned with, not someone to be messed with.
She wasn't a drizzle in the day or rain showers at night.
She was a fucking hurricane, so who the hell was he to devastate her?
And just like that—the floodgates burst open.
"Not fair? Is that all you think this is? Because it's a hell of a lot more than unfair, Ishida. It's selfish and tasteless and just downright mean." She wasn't willing to hold back anymore, if this was the last conversation they had for a long while than she wanted him to hear her out. "And you know what? On some level, I've always known you had this side to you. Hell, I've been on the other line to hear you deliver the 'it's not you it's me' speech. And it's second nature for you to ghost a girl when things get to be too much. But I never thought you'd do that to me." She pointed fiercely at her chest. " But that was my mistake wasn't it?"
"Because silly me, I was gullible enough to believe that our friendship mattered. That the years we have between us matter. But they didn't, none of it did." She was beyond being disappointed, now she was just pissed. "But I'm not crying over that anymore, coz I'm done."
For all intents and purposes, Matt looked unmoved. But in his eyes she saw it, the quiet dejection of someone who knew they had fucked up.
Hard.
With his mouth clamped shut, he just stood there with his eyes glued to the floor, refusing to look at her and it only served to get her angrier. "Don't do that." She pushed his shoulder.
His eyes snapped up.
"I'm talking to you, I'm trying to have a conversation with you. Stop pretending like I'm not here!" She yelled at him.
She wanted him to get mad, to scream at her, to shake her and tell her that she was being crazy.
Or just tell her it was all wrong or that it wasn't true.
And even if he said the worst, most hateful thing in the world, it would be better than his silence.
She just wanted him to say something.
He took a deep breath, "I'm not screwing Zoe." His eyes were liquid flames, blue and searing.
"Not good enough."
He pushed a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry that I'm scared to be with you. That it's made me do such shitty things that have hurt you." It was the first time he said the words out loud."You make me feel things and do things that I wouldn't—shouldn't." He continued gruffly, his voice catching.
"...Makes me feel too out of control, too unstable. I can't...I can't do it." He looked away, it was all he had in him.
All he would say.
He hoped it was enough, hoped she might understand.
And she did, because she understood him. But it wasn't enough anymore, they had all been excusing his behaviour under the guise of understanding him for too long. She wasn't willing to be part of the problem anymore.
"And I just don't deserve you, alright?" No one could make him think more of himself, no matter how they tried.
He was used to falling short, most of his life. And in that way, he had always envied Tai, because the guy had so much courage. He never let anything deter him from what he wanted, always had enough confidence to build castles in the sky and walk through fire and part oceans. He wasn't bogged down by anxiety and self doubt, and he never let anything stop him. And try as he might, Matt knew he would never be able to feel that way about himself, no matter how badly he wanted to sometimes.
But Tai had grown up with people who had believed in him.
His sister, who admired him and idolized him and hung on his every word as if it were scripture.
His parents who told him he was great his entire life.
And maybe Tai would have been the same even if he didn't have all that, but Matt knew that he had needed it.
He never got it.
Mimi just rolled her eyes, because she was just so over this same song and dance. "Yeah, you know what, Matt?" She let out a laugh. "You don't." She said simply.
He looked a little surprised.
"Not with the way you've been acting." She shrugged a shoulder. "And I'm not saying I'm blameless in all this. I know I shouldn't have ambushed you, piled all of it on you at once. I shouldn't have given you ultimatums because I know the nature of our relationship—how it has to be all or nothing with us and that you would have never responded well to that. I knew it would be too much for you and I did it anyway because that's just who I am and that's my fault. And because of that I excused your behaviour, your blatant disregard for my feelings because on some level I felt like you were justified." She admitted in a small voice..
He said nothing.
"But none of this is okay and I'm tired of repressing my emotions and going against what I'm feeling to make things easier for you." She was resolving from this moment forward, to stop feeling sorry for herself, to pick up the pieces and just move the fuck on. Because there was nothing else left to do anyway. "I'm tired of being patient and forgiving and delicate with you. I'm tired to rising above the situation, tired of holding my tongue, tired of watching you burn the house down while I'm still in it." She felt hot tears pricking behind her lashes.
Nothing about this was easy.
"But this doesn't change how I feel about you, those kind of feelings don't just go away." She could say that because she wasn't afraid of those feelings anymore.
"I love you, I do." She said easily. "I think a part of me has always loved you, from that first phone call when you left me on hold for two hours." A bitter laugh escaped her. "And maybe I always will, who knows" She felt oddly relieved as the words came out.
Like a breath she had been holding for so long it had stretched the strings of her skeleton and as the confession rolled of her tongue she felt her insides shrinking into themselves leaving her to wonder if she would ever again return to her original shape. Or would she always be pulled apart and bent in, the entire mold of her body forever changed by the man standing in front of her.
And even as she thought of the cavernous space her divulgence had left behind, she couldn't deny that for the first time in a long time…
She could breathe again.
"So there it is, and you can do with that what you will." She wasn't going to wait around for an answer, she was past hoping for one.
Because maybe Matt would never be capable of expressing himself or understanding his emotions. Maybe friendship was all he would ever know how to give.
Or maybe he would be able to do all those things and she just wasn't the right person.
It didn't matter either way.
"But I'm not making things easy for you anymore, Ishida. Out of courtesy of our friendship I've been extremely cautious of your feelings, how you might perceive things and they might hurt you. But you don't deserve that from me, not when you couldn't be bothered to do the same." She was all business and the determination in her wet eyes led him to believe she meant every word she was saying and especially everything she wasn't.
Because the meaning behind this was clear: she was no longer waiting on him, which meant she was freeing herself to move on.
"So that's it then? We just pretend everything that happened between us never did and walk out as strangers?" The admission felt like a boulder sinking to the bottom of his stomach.
He had never felt so nauseated in his life.
Mimi shrugged, "Well, I'm not really trying to be your friend, Yamato. If you cared about maintaining even that relationship you wouldn't have started screwing around with one of my teammates.." She said honestly. "So we can certainly be civil and you know I would never be rude to you. But if you ever want a real relationship with me of any kind you'll have to work a lot harder to earn my trust back. " She upturned her nose, crossing both arms over her chest.
He felt the twitch of a smile against the corner of his lips.
She was so adorable, even when she wasn't trying.
Matt had only just begun to ponder a response, one he hoped would at least making things marginally better when door opened, an annoyed Taylor Fujiyama at the opposite end. "You two are so boring." She blanched. "I mean seriously, who goes to a party to brood and complain."
Mimi gave her a look that would have killed girls more faint of heart. Without wasting another second, she walked out of the linen closet, her shoulder bumping Taylor's on the way out.
"Sheesh, what's gotten into her. And it obviously wasn't you." She gave him a once over, eyes sliding up and down his body with a slow prowess. "It isn't too late though, you know." She stepped a bit closer, pink lips pouty and amethyst eyes clouded over.
Matt let out a snort.
But Taylor was undeterred. "I'm serious, Yamato." She came into the closet. "I always thought you were so hot and I mean, it's not like you're tied down to anyone." She said, dragging a finger down his chest.
He said nothing.
"You know, I've always kind of had a thing for musicians." She continued, pressing her body against his.
"Hn."
"Besides, I wouldn't get all clingy, psycho stalker on you." She said with a wicked smile, eyes fluttering like butterfly wings. "I mean, with the way Tachikawa is always mooning over you, I don't blame you for rejecting her."
Matt grabbed her wrist, "You don't know me." He said in a low growl. "And you sure as hell don't know her." He pushed her wrist away from him with marked disgust.
But before the raven haired captain could get another word out, Matt had shouldered past her and out into the hallway.
Even though he pushed through the drunk conglomerates of his schoolmates, he wasn't quick enough to reach her. Catching barely a wisp of her hair and the light scent of her perfume lingering in the air as the door shut behind her.
And while he wanted to follow her out into the dark night, he just stood there instead—stuck to the floor as if his legs had grown roots.
Staring out at the closed door, all the while wondering if the last few minutes had even happened.
Because the way she disappeared, it was almost as if she had never been there at all.
-x-
Sleep had come fitfully for a few nights after.
Dreams laden with moments between them, some real some not. Interwoven so intensely the line between fact and fiction became blurred. Had those memories happened, those conversations and stolen moments or had he made them up.
He was sitting in his window seat, the bedroom small and cramped but the only one he had known for almost eighteen years. Outside his door, he heard the television droning on—his father watching some game show with questions and money and lifelines. And it was the same as every evening, of every week, of every year. His life on a loop, like a constant replay of the same day. And all he could think of was how he couldn't wait to get the hell out of here.
And then her voice floated through the receiver, and just like that he was reminded he was not as alone as he always thought. "Why space?" She asked, her voice soft and melodic but so far away.
He stared at the moon, large and looming. "What do you mean?" He was here, but his mind was somewhere else.
"I mean, like why would you wanna go into space. You said if you couldn't make it as a musician you'd wanna be an astronaut and I mean...why?"
He didn't have an answer but at the same time he had so many. "Because. There just has to be something more out there, somewhere." And he wanted to find it, find all of it.
"But you don't need to leave the stratosphere to find more, Matt. There's already so much more out there, like whole cities and entire countries and oceans that are endless. Can't that be enough?"
"What if I don't want it to be enough?"
Mimi would never understand why felt so trapped, she was too sheltered, too (for lack of a better word) spoiled. She lived an entirely different life than him and more importantly, she had gotten to leave.
She got out.
Out of Odaiba and all it's small town qualms that seemed so charming from a view but were so incredibly monotonous day to day.
He had never been anywhere, seen anything. And when would finally have the chance to do it, he wanted to see everything. He wouldn't just settle for the world, he wanted worlds.
He didn't want countries or cities.
He wanted the stars and the moon and the sun.
He wanted to see his old life float away until the entire planet on which it had existed on was nothing more than just a speck in the darkness.
Only then would he feel free.
"I guess, I can understand that. But…"
"But what?"
"Wouldn't you get lonely?"
He felt a small sigh of indignation leave through his nostrils. 'I'm already lonely' was what he wanted to say.
Instead all that came out was a solid, "No."
He had few tethers tying him to the ground—mother, brother, friends, father.
And he loved them dearly, but they weren't heavy enough to keep him steady. He always felt as if he was just one gust of wind from being blown away.
She was quiet for a few minutes and he figured just that syllable alone had been enough to stump her because Mimi was hardly quiet.
"Well, I'd miss you." She said softly and it shouldn't have surprised him.
But her candor always did.
Marveling at her ability to say exactly what she was feeling at all times, it was truly a gift.
He chuckled, low and short. "I'd write, Tachikawa." He promised.
"I doubt it." He could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
"Or you could come with me." He suggested in jest.
It got the job done because she let out an easy laugh. "You'd have me thrown out of the rocket five minutes into flight." She said.
He pulled a hand through his hair. "Oh come on. I think you'd like it up there." Finally she would be around things that shined just as bright as she did. "It would basically be a vacation."
"Where would I shop?"
"Well, I've heard Mars has absolutely lovely evening wear."
She giggled and it was so sweet he almost forgot all about the moon for a second, forgot all about leaving, forgot about being anywhere without her.
Just for a second.
Because the moon was too big and it hung so close and he would give anything to touch it.
But it dangled on a string, right before his eyes, just out of his reach, like everything else he had always wanted.
And then he would open his eyes to darkness with that cold feeling of utter loneliness that made his heart ache for something he lost.
Making him wonder if he'd ever really had it all.
Was any of it real?
-x-
"So that's it then?" Sora prodded.
The brunette picked at her salad. "Yep, nothing to write home about." She inspected a piece of lettuce, before putting the fork in her mouth.
"So you just talked and settled that you would be...nothing?" Sora hazarded a guess.
Mimi shrugged a shoulder, "I mean, yeah, sort of." She said indifferently. "I don't know, not like I can just summon up a crystal ball and tell my future" She rolled her eyes.
"Reeeow!" Sora put out two claws. "Sorry I asked."
Mimi gave her a sweet grin, "I'm just trying to keep it together, Sor. It's not easy, I really do miss him." She had meat what she said, but it didn't change the truth.
Sora nodded, placing a hand over her best friend's, "I get it. Heart break's a bitch, trust me—I've been there." She mused.
"Yeah, I mean it sucks and all but I just wanna feel like myself again and you know what I gave myself time, wallowed in the 'could've's, should've's, would've's" of it all and now I'm ready to move on." She said firmly.
"To what, exactly?"
"Glad you asked, friend." A mischievous smile broke out across Mimi's face, one that Sora didn't trust in the slightest.
"Well, are you just gonna leave me in suspense?"
Mimi grinned, "We're gonna start planning." She said vaguely.
"A murder?"
"No, silly! A party, duh."
-x-
For a lazy guy, Tai sure didn't have much free time.
He resented that fact often.
Because what was the point of everyone regarding you as lazy when you couldn't even enjoy it.
Sure, he did the bare minimum when it came to school (but made up for it in spades where soccer was concerned) but that didn't mean he had a lot of 'me time'
Feet up on the couch, boxer-clad, beer in hand, sports on tv—me time.
So the moments where he was between games, or between practices, or between girls (because keeping up with the most latter was also a task in of itself) he took advantage of.
And he was right in the middle of it, just getting into his sweet spot on the couch, when Ishida came in—angry door slam and all.
Well, so much for that.
"What the hell are you doing home?"
"Hello to you too, what a warm greeting for your oldest friend."
Matt grunted something low and unintelligible and Tai turned up the tv assuming it would be business as usual.
Where Yamato grabs some left over pizza from the fridge, heats it up and trudges to his room to be emo for the rest of the night.
Except that didn't happen.
And when the blonde decided to sit in the recliner adjacent to the couch, Tai slowly turned his eyes to him.
Matt just sat there, eyes on the television as if he gave a crap about the highlights (as if he even understood them) and Tai looked around the room waiting for something to come crashing down or the roof to cave in, because Matt never did this.
"Soooo...how was class?" Tai cleared his throat.
"Class was class. Same old b.s."
Even more peculiar, no mono-syllabic answer, no grunts and groans of acknowledgment. An actual partial sentence…
Tai felt the wheels in his brain turning, something was up.
"What did ya do today?" He continued.
Matt shrugged a shoulder, "Went to class and then the library, met Ichijoji for a smoke and then came back home." He answered.
So perfunctorily, so coherently, so concisely…
None of this made any sense.
Who was this new talkative Ishida, behaving so peculiarly and sociably.
"Oh right, nice night for a smoke." Tai said absently.
"Yeah, the weather's been much more pleasant than you would expect for the end of—
"Okay what the hell!" Tai all but jumped up from the couch. "Is it a full moon or something?" He demanded.
Matt gave him a confused stare. "What are you talking about?" He asked.
"You! You're being so weird and chatty and—this!" He gestured at Matt as if that was enough explain the rest.
"You're the one being weird, standing there in your boxers all wild eyed and suspicious. Is everything alright?"
"No, no, no, no!" Tai shook his head vehemently, "This is just like in my recurring nightmare where everyone in my life becomes replaced by slightly more polite versions of themselves!" His mind was spinning like a hamster wheel.
It was all starting to make sense.
"And, and you know how that ends right! With the freaking alien invasion!" He pointed a finger at the blonde in accusation.
Matt held in his laughter as Tai looked around the room manically. "Dude, calm the hell down." He couldn't control the chuckle that slipped out at the end of his statement.
But it only served Tai's paranoia. "There's a protocol for this sort of thing, you know. And the government has been preparing for this for centuries. You think we haven't known about you guys, we have! There are fallout shelters and protection programs for those of us that are still human. You can't make me one of you—
"Tai! You're losing it." Matt cut him off, getting off the recliner. "Did you ever just think maybe I'm just in a better mood today than I've been?" He shook the brunette by the shoulders.
Tai blinked at him, "No I didn't." He admitted. You...you aren't an alien?" He asked, eyes narrowed, voice unsure.
Because, really, alien was a much more plausible explanation for Matt's behaviour. The guy had had the same permanent scowl on his face from the day they met.
Matt let out a small laugh, "Not an alien. Besides, in that dream you always say my eyes are orange and that's what ends up tipping you off. Look at my eyes."
"Still that annoying shade of blue that drives all the ladies crazy." Tai relented with a sigh.
Matt gave him a clap on the shoulder, "There we go buddy, see, we're all good." He smirked.
But Tai barely noticed, "Phewf, I so wasn't prepared for the invasion yet." He let out a breath of relief.
And Matt would have laughed, if Tai hadn't been so incredibly serious.
"So if it's not the moon and you're not alien, what gives?" He had relaxed back into the couch.
Matt pulled a hand through his hair, "Mimi and I talked." He answered.
"How bad was it?"
"Horrible." Matt admitted.
"And that makes you happy...why, again?" Tai really didn't understand the mechanisms of the whole Yamato-Mimi relationship.
It was like everything for them was the opposite of what it would be for normal people and it was just too much thinking for him to keep track.
"Because we were able to speak." He said. "And yeah it sucked because i really didn't want to hurt her but at least we're not ignoring each other anymore and…" It just felt good to be around her again.
There was hope for them.
For the first time since everything had snowballed out of control, he didn't feel quite so adrift at sea.
Tai let out a dry laugh, "Oh boy." He shook his head slowly.
"What?" Matt peered at him.
"You've got it bad, Ishida." He let out a low whistle.
Matt's eyes widened, "What are you talking about." He scoffed.
Tai just grinned at him. "You can't even deny it properly, you are strung out and hung up." He said knowingly.
"You have absolutely lost your mind, I just said it was nice to talk to her again. I want her in my life."
"You don't wanna be friends, Ishida. You want her sideways and horizontal."
Matt pushed off the seat, "You're ridiculous." He grumbled. "And another thing, Kamiya. Don't ever talk about her like that, not to me or anyone else. She isn't just someone to get in bed with." He warned.
But Tai chuckled. "Just friends...right."
-x-
December rumbled in, rough and demanding.
With an onslaught of colder weather, slight snow flurries and darkening quiet calmness of autumn disappearing like leaves from trees, replaced by an ominous chill.
And it meant a few things—darker days, holidays, finals...
But for the student body at Tokyo University, December meant something entirely different.
Mimi Tachikawa's birthday.
And since the girl was never one for subtlety, her birthday was already rumored to be a production.
"Venue?" Sora listed off.
Mimi nodded, "Covered, Ryo's called in a favor at Kotobuki, he's rented out the entire place." She grinned.
"But isn't that where Matt works." Sora said with a grimace.
Mimi shrugged, "Like I've told you a million times, I'm over it. He's totally invited to the party, I sent him an e-vite and everything. But if he wants to decline, he can work it." She said with indifference.
So much so, that Sora really believed her.
She nodded reluctantly, "Uh, guest list?" She cleared her throat.
"Me, you. The girls on the team." She rolled her eyes distastefully. "The boys on the team." She continued. "Obviously Yamato—again totally up to him." She said.
Sora nodded.
"I told TK and Kari, I'm not sure about the former but Kari's excited and she's bringing Miyako." She smiled happily. "I uh, I wanted to run something by you before I did it—
"Jyou?" Sora raised a brow before she even finished.
The sheepish blush on Mimi's face confirmed her suspicion.
Sora waved a hand, "I'm totally fine with you inviting him, don't worry." She assured the brunette. "I mean, I've been in social settings with him since our break up, you know. See our last beach party for reference." She reminded her.
Mimi tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "No, I know. But like, you're so official with Sam now and I just didn't want it to be wierd, you know?"
"I love you for that." Sora smiled at her. "But I'm fine, so seriously invite him, it'll do Dr. Kido some good to get out for a change." She chastised playfully.
"Okay, I'll text him." Mimi said excitedly, if there was one thing she loved—it was a party.
The party being all about her was just an added million dollar bonus.
"Are we missing anyone?" The redhead tapped her chin with the pen in her hand.
Mimi knitted her brows, "I don't think so but…" She thought it over.
"Well, whatever, moving on. Music?"
Mimi wiped a hand over her face, "So I had this stupid idea from a really long time ago and now I just wanna stab my eyes out for even suggesting it." She began dreadfully.
Sora braced herself.
"I had reached out to the guys in Matt's band, waaaaay back." She sighed. "Asking them if they were willing to get back together just for the night to perform at my birthday."
Sora's mouth popped open.
"Ugh, I know." She dropped her face into her hands at the redhead's reactions. "Look, at the time things were fine with me and Matt and you know I start planning my birthday in like September! How could I have for-seen these circumstances?" She practically wailed.
Sora tried to shake off her shock, walking over to Mimi's bed. "Alright, stop it." She pried the brunette's hands off her face. "What did they say?"
"They said yeah, obviously. I told them it would be paid." She said as if it should have been obvious. "I was gonna tell Matt eventually, because I thought a.) he would be easy to convince because you know Old Matt never said no to me for anything—
"No one says no to you, Mimi. Ever." Sora reminded her in a deadpan.
"Not the point." Mimi disregarded. "And b.) I thought he would secretly be happy." She said, deflated.
Sora's eyes bulged in disbelief. "Meems, you can't be serious. You didn't really think, that in any scenario, that would have gone over well with Matt, he would've never liked being ambushed like that. What were you thinking?" She shook her head.
"Ugh, what? Are you surprised? You know I love to meddle!" She whined, "And hello? Again, so not the point, what do I do now? Those guys are like actually really excited to perform but I can't very well have The Teenage Wolves perform without their lead singer, now can I?"
Sora felt herself regretting her words as they came out. "I can try to talk to Matt?" She offered, cringing as soon as she did.
"Oh would you!" Mimi squealed. "It would mean the world, Sor. And the perfect birthday present, ever. I love you soooo much!" She threw her arms around her best friend.
Sora grudgingly patted Mimi's back, hating herself for always getting into these situations.
-x-
To: Jyou
From: Mimi
Hey jo! It's Mimi. I'm having a party for my birthday at the [...] and you have to be there. No excuses. Don't care if you have to study, it's my 18th bday! Be there or… well. JUST BE THERE. K love ya bye
She had sent the message as a flurry of texts and she was sure it would probably annoy joe but she didn't really care.
His reply came almost instantly
Where and when?
A satisfied smile broke across her face
This Friday, party starts at ten, Formal wear required! See ya then
-x-
Matt knew that he had handled the whole situation with Mimi absolutely terribly. He had felt absolutely disgusted with himself since the night they talked and he actually saw it on her face how much he had hurt her.
Especially since he could never be honest with her.
And all he did was punish her for loving him.
But at the same time, he was so fucking scared of everything going to complete shit.
Well, more than it already had.
Because somewhere in the back of his mind, he had thought they would come back from this. That the thing they would never be able to recover from was a failed relationship—a failed love story. And that they would move past these feeling eventually and restore their broken friendship somehow, when the wounds just didn't cut as deep.
Or maybe they would revisit the subject when they were older, more mature, more capable of making decisions that just seemed to big for the moment.
Because the idea of committing to Mimi felt so daunting. Like a soon as he did it, there would be a noose hanging above them the entire time.
Or worse, an hourglass—counting grains of sand until they expired.
But what he didn't realize was that the moment he had been dreading had already passed. Too much had been done, not enough had been said and now they were never going to be able to get their friendship back.
And as much as he had wanted to avoid it, here it was.
All or nothing.
And right now, it was more likely to be nothing.
Because Mimi was done.
He knew she wasn't bluffing, either. She had told him, to his face, that she was out. And he stood there, mouth gaping like the idiot he was, and did nothing to stop her.
Did nothing at all.
And he hated it.
He was sick of it.
But what he was the most sick of was that lately everything between them was beginning to feel like a broken record on repeat.
The same old fucking song.
All their conversations sounded just the same with different words and different backdrops but leaving everything unresolved.
He wasn't sure what he should have said to Mimi, somewhere in the poetic part of his brain there were some pretty words that could have made things all better like a bandage on a gash. But he didn't do that and she walked away from him, he didn't blame her for that but it hurt him all the same. He didn't deserve for her to be waiting around him, not even for a single second. But if he was honest, a small part of him had expected her to.
Not because he was worth it, more so because it's wasn't in Mimi's nature to give up.
And never on the people she loved.
Did that mean she no longer loved him? Or was he just that good at pushing people away that he managed to do it to the most stubborn (second to Taichi, of course) person he knew.
A soft knock came at the door, and when he made no movement to invite or decline, a blonde head popped in.
"Hey." He greeted, feet propped on his desk.
Zoe gave him a grin, "You shouldn't smoke inside, Matt." She pointed at the lit cigarette between his fingers.
He took a long drag, "Window's open." He shrugged a shoulder.
She didn't seem very satisfied by the answer, but came in anyway. "So, I haven't seen you since the party." She started.
"Hn." Was the only response she got in return.
She let out a sigh, "You left without saying anything, didn't even text or anything…" She sat on the edge of his bed.
He swiveled the chair around, arm resting on the window sill and an unreadable expression on his face. "Had an early shift." He said.
"O...kay." She pushed her hair back.
"So." He smashed his cigarette into the ashtray on the sill. "Why're you here?"
She had known him well enough now not to be put off by his bluntness. "I dunno, see what you were upto—how you're doing." The statement sounded more like a question and usually so confident, Zoe found herself unassured and stumbling.
Matt nodded, "Well, I'm fine." He gestured his hands downwards beside his body.
"I can see that." She muttered.
"Is something bothering you?" He asked a little more kindly.
Because really, she didn't deserve this treatment from him.
She looked away, bottom lip sucked between her teeth.
"You uh, you can tell me." He cleared his throat.
She smashed her lips together, and he began to see the beginning of what looked like glistening tears.
She looked like there was something she wanted to tell him, but he had seen that look in her eyes before. So many times in the mirror.
When things were just too hard or too raw or too personal and voicing them felt like a cry for sympathy.
When all you really needed was someone to listen.
And for that very reason, he slid off the computer and sat beside her. "Are you okay?" He asked. "You don't have to talk about it but uh, I'm a pretty good listener if you, if you did." He was the worst at these kind of conversations.
But he could have them as long as the person divulging secrets and inner turmoil wasn't him.
She shook her head, hair shrouding her face from him like a golden veil.
And finally, she lifted up a bit and retrieved something from her back pocket. With a shaky hand, she extended a folded up piece of paper to him.
He read the contents of it, his eyes scanning the words furiously as an ire began to build in him.
"Is this from…?"
She nodded, "Yeah, from my dad." Tears fell from her eyes.
"And do you think, you think he means it?" He held up the letter.
She sniffled, brushing a rough palm against her cheeks one at a time. "I don't know." Her voice broke.
"Well, don't you think you should ask him? Write back?"
And that was when she pulled her hair back, sky blue eyes piercing his own. "Why should I?" She demanded, her voice rough and catching. "Ten years, I haven't heard or seen him in ten fucking years and I'm just supposed to take this—" She snatched the letter from him. "And, and forgive him?"
He shook his head, "No, but I've seen what he means to you, what it's already done to you." He continued. "And you've carried him around for ten years too, whether you wanted to or not. And now he... he wants to meet you." He put a hand on her cheek.
Her eyes squeezed shut, throat constricting. "I hate him." it came out hoarse and choked. "I hate him so, so much."
"I know."
"I don't want to know him, Matt. I want nothing to do with him. As far as I was concerned, he was dead the day he left us." She felt her tears pooling against his palm.
He gently pulled her in for a hug. "I can understand that." He said into her hair. "But I think if you told him that, had a conversation—got closure. You'd really be able to leave it all in the past." He said softly. "If, that's what you wanted." He added.
She pressed her face into his shoulder, "He left us in the fucking dirt, Matt. My momma worked two jobs just to keep food on the table and every day I'd come home from school to an empty home. And every night I'd sit beside the kitchen window and pray from him to come back." Her sobs were muffled by his shirt, her words jumbled.
He rubbed a hand down her back.
"But I stopped praying, stopped waiting." She swallowed down the last of her tears. "And you know what, him leaving was the best fucking thing that ever happened to us because look at me now." She pulled away from him.
He felt a shift in her energy.
"Is that what the facade is all about? Pretending not to care about shit and flaunting your money and status?" The pieces moved together like a puzzle. "Do you think that no one would like you without it?"
They didn't fit right, but the picture was getting clearer.
Her eyes widened, "What do you mean?" She asked quickly.
"You don't need all that, Zoe. You can show people who you are, trust them." He felt the irony of his words in his bones.
Who was he to lecture anyone about the virtue of trust when he pushed away everyone he cared about.
Such hypocrisy, it was practically blasphemous.
Brows knitted, an unreadable expression on her face. "It's not about them, Matt. It's about me." She said vehemently, finger pointed into her chest. "I'm never going to feel like the poor, powerless little girl ever again. Because I'm not."
He opened his mouth but she shook her head, "And it's not a facade. I'm the daughter of one the richest men in all of Japan and that means something." She said forcefully.
Except what he heard under all that self assurance was— 'I mean something.'
"Okay, but you clearly haven't let this go." He had never seen her so unraveled.
So transparent.
Everything coming out of her mouth sounded so hollow, so completely contrived. She was trying to convince herself of an image she didn't believe in. And for the first time he realized something, this was what Zoe had been doing her whole life.
She never quite felt at home in her house, in her family—in her skin. Always so afraid that if she allowed herself voice how much she loved it all, somehow it might all get taken away. That someone would decide she wasn't good enough to keep, that they would turn their back on her, that she might get left out in the cold.
Again.
And suddenly he was staring at the eight year old little girl who'd had her heart broken in the most terrible, awful way.
Perhaps his eyes had betrayed him, some sort of sympathy trickling into his expression because before he knew it she had gotten to her feet, letter in hand.
"No, no. This was a mistake." She shook her head. "This is so stupid, I should have thrown this fucking thing away and I don't know what I'm doing here. I"m sorry."
"No, look. You don't have to go. We can talk—
She cut him off, "I appreciate it, you're a good friend, really." She kissed him on the cheek, "But I'm gonna go."
His shoulders hunched a bit, with no choice but to accept what she was saying.
"I'd uh, I'd appreciate if you didn't tell anyone about this." She said at the door.
"Not a word." He promised.
She nodded, "Thank you." And with that she was gone.
And it was the second time a girl walked out on him when he should have tried to stop her.
Still, while he felt for the situation Zoe was in, nothing made him regret not begging her to stay.
And in her wake, it left him thinking again about how he understood her on that level. Because he too had always been afraid to show he cared about the things he loved because they were always taken from him.
Like his mother and his brother and even his band.
His music.
And the thought of losing Mimi in such a permanent way was so crushing that he felt like he might not survive it.
Yet it seemed inevitable.
Because nothing good ever stayed.
But in all his worry, he had driven her away. And it had taken him too long to realize that this was no way to live.
And while the part of him that was pessimistic and self deprecating was overwhelming him with all the things he had done wrong and convincing him it was too late to fix anything.
There was a tiny voice somewhere in the back of his mind urging him to give it a chance, begging him to try despite the overwhelming, crushing thought of failure.
Something was beginning to shift inside him, he just wasn't sure what it was.
He just knew he would be changed.
-x-
A/N: YOU GUYS! This is kind of a prompt update, isn't it! Please, give me props. I've really been buckling down! Did help that where I live it's summer and it's been the grossiest, rainiest summer EVER. I mean seriously, every weekend has been complete and utter shit, with thunderstorms and flooding—the whole nine.
Anyway, enough complaining. I've got good news on top of good news. I have written TWO MORE CHAPTERS FOR THIS STORY. Like as in 20 and 21 are basically done (okay, well, 20 is definitely done. But like 21 is like half way.) So I mean, the updates aren't going to be long to wait for.
While I'm here, I've got a bone to pick with ya'll. NO ONE IS POSTING NEW CONTENT, WTH. why are we all going through an inspiration dry spell at the same time! It sucks. So I decided to come up with something that hopefully we can keep going.
In your review, tell me if you would like me to send you a writing prompt (basically like an idea to work around, a theme, something to just get the ball rolling) and I will randomly just pick three people. After that, those three people can pick another three. It doesn't have to be from my reviews, it can be from your own or from anyone on the site that you think would benefit from it! And FEEL FREE TO SEND ME ANY IDEAS YOU WISH TO SEE IN PRINT.
LETS TRY TO GET THIS SHIP SAILING AGAIN, YOU GUYS!
Okay, so I love replying back to all of you so much and you guys KNOW DIS. But I'm so tired and replying back to all my reviews takes like another hour because I literally re-read them all and like have full conversations with you guys (i'm so annoying) but I'm literally falling asleep at my computer. So what I'm going to do is either edit this in a day or two with the review replies in it, or do a double reply in my next chapter (I've done that before)
HOPE YOU'RE ALL WELL, I LOVE YOU TO PIECES, YOU GUYS ROCK MY WORLD. Seriously, this fandom is the best. I love everyone that writes for it, you guys are so frickin talented and I can't be more proud to be a part of this community (I gush about it all the time but I can't help it) I feel like I learn so much from your writing, it's so inspirational. Thanks always for sticking with me, I really hope I hear from you guys soon!
LOVE YA'LL!
P.S: Song is "I Dreamt we Spoke Again" by Death Cab for Cutie.