Chapter 14
I scrambled back, pressing myself into the wall and unconsciously hugging the notebook to my chest. The creature didn't move – a Shinigami, I realised, because what else could it be? – and as I caught up with the fact that a Death Note was clutched in my hands, the door slammed open and a harrassed nurse burst in, pinning me to the bed with her gaze.
"You screamed? Is something wrong?"
"No!" I exclaimed, sitting up and trying to appear at ease. "Sorry, it was a nightmare."
"Oh." The woman relaxed and sighed, pinching her nose. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, closing her eyes for a few seconds in an effort to regain her composure.
"Don't worry, I've had it before."
She stared at me once more, her gaze shrewd. "Recurring nightmares shouldn't be brushed off, Catearro-san. They can spawn from serious issues that need to be addressed."
And I have no doubt that any of my nightmares are indeed that, but right now I need you to leave. "It was nothing, really. I can't even remember it fully."
The nurse's eyes were uncomfortably piercing, and I wondered for a moment if she would take notice of the notebook and remove it from my grasp. In the end she nodded once, gave the room one last searching look, then left, closing the door quietly behind her. As soon as it shut I slipped the notebook underneath my pillow and hissed, "What are you doing here?"
"You are the female who has befriended Ryuk's human."
A sort of frantic humour swept over me and a semi-hysterical giggle escaped my lips. "Ryuk's human. Say that to Light's face and see how he'll take."
"I am not here to talk to Light Yagami. I'm here to speak to you."
"Oh, of course. You're here to talk to Ryuk's human's female friend. What's the occasion?" Get a grip, V. You've lost it enough recently. Get your act together.
If Rem was phased by my frank manner it – she? – didn't show it. "I watched you attempt to save the life of Misa Amane."
"You saw that?"
"Yes."
"Why were you watching?"
"A Shinigami named Gelus was in love with Misa Amane. I was with him when he watched he get attacked by the man in the alleyway."
I thought back to the night and the strange way the man had died. He had keeled over suddenly, and I'd automatically assumed it was Light. Now I wondered if it hadn't been some sort of not-quite-divine intervention of occult imaginings.
"You said 'was in love'. Does that mean Gelus is dead?" I glanced at her waist and saw an unmarked Death Note in a white, unadorned holder. "You gave me his Death Note, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Rem took her time answering, staring at me fixedly without blinking. It was somehow creepier than when Ryuk stared at me. I'd grown used to the black pools of the punk-rocker Shinigami. It would take time to this slit-pupiled, yellow-eyed creature that showed only one eye. The other was under what seemed to be an arbitrary bandage that acted as a headband.
"Gelus saved Misa Amane out of love. He died because he interfered," she said in her low, slow voice. "I thought to give the Death Note to Misa but . . ." There was a moment of silence. She tilted her head, as though in contemplation of her own actions. "I have been watching you, Minerva Catearro. You have been through many trials. I believed this Death Note would help you more than it would help her."
I opened my mouth. Then closed it, sat unspeaking for a number of seconds, and finally said, "What would happen if I burned the Death Note?"
Rem frowned, the action making the bandage wrinkle and her tube-like hair shadow her face further. "Anyone who had touched the Death Note would lose all memory of it. Do you not want it?"
"Well . . ." I pulled the notebook out from under the pillow and flicked through the pages once more. "What if I gave it back? Would I lose memory of this meeting then?" Something told me that forgetting Rem existed, when there was the strong possibility of her giving the notebook to Misa as soon as I relinquished it, was not a good idea.
"If you do not write any names in the notebook you will not lose your memory if you pass on ownership. You will no longer be able to see me, however."
"Damn. So I either have to burn it or keep it."
"I don't understand."
I sighed, leaning back on my pillows and wincing at the pressure on my bandaged back. This was not how I imagined my Friday night to go. Frustrated by the fact that I could barely see, I tapped the lamp until it was on full brightness and stared at the cracked ceiling. It was in dire need of a new plastering job. There was so much this hospital tried to hide on the outside, with its cheerful waiting room and polished floors and well-maintained rooms that as long as no one looked too closely at the finer details the board could get away with cutting corners. Exhibit A) the fact that as soon as someone looked up they would begin to fear for their safety in an earthquake.
Sort of like me. Start peering into my history and most people would run for the hills.
Excellent. Now I'm psychoanalysing myself based on the state of a hospital room's ceiling.
"How do you know about me?" I wondered aloud, searching for something to alleviate the silence while I worked on the conundrum I had been inadvertently thrown into.
Rem took a step forward but stopped at my outstretched hand. Where she was standing was quite close enough. "Many of the Shinigami have been watching Ryuk and Light Yagami in recent months."
"Oh?"
"It is something of an . . . entertainment for us now."
"Well, that's comforting at least. Someone finds all this entertaining." A choked laugh escaped me. "Oh, Lord. I can't believe I feel like crying again."
"Minerva?" asked Rem, moving closer. I didn't have the strength to stop her as a rattling sob in my chest caused my injuries to flare up and it was all I could do to stay still.
At that moment, a welcome distraction phased through the western wall, saying, "Hey, Minerva. Light sent me to see how you're – Oh. Rem."
"Hello, Ryuk."
"Hey. What're you doing here?"
"I have given Gelus' Death Note to Minerva."
"Really?" Ryuk grinned at me, his massive eyes wide and filled with intrigued glee, like a bug collector having found a new and rather comical specimen. "This is going to be interesting."
I coughed once and slowly sat up, holding Gelus' Death Note in my lap. "Can we stop discussing the entertainment factor of my life and get to the point where I figure out what to do with it?" Ryuk cackled and glided over.
"You gonna tell Light?" he asked.
"Insanity must be catching if you think I'd tell him," I snapped. "He'd use me in a heartbeat."
"Aww, come on. It'll be fun."
I shot him a look that, miraculously, shut him up. "Rem," I said, turning to the other Shinigami. She nodded once, her expression as enquiring as it could be. "Is there some way to destroy a Death Note but retain the memories of it?" An idea was forming in the back of my mind, but I wasn't willing to give it any hope yet.
"No," she said. "The destruction of a Death Note relinquishes ownership of the notebook. Any human owner will forget his or her memories of it."
"So there's no way around it at all? You said that a person who does not write in the note will keep their memories. Anything else?" The two Shinigami exchanged glances. "Please!" I begged.
Ryuk's expression was at that stage between confusion and enlightenment, on the cusp of understanding. A beat passed. Another. Rem was unmoving. I kept my gaze on Ryuk, willing him to figure it out without my intervention. It was hard enough trying to justify what I wanted in my mind. I didn't want to admit the hope in my heart aloud too.
Eventually Ryuk caught on. He clicked his fingers, saying, "You want to destroy Light's Death Note without him forgetting." I nodded, not willing to speak. He wasn't so lenient as to let me get away without an explanation though. "Why?"
Swallowing, I pressed my lips into a line and willed myself to say the words that might condemn me to the grey fuzz in the scale of morality.
"I want Light to stop killing people but I don't want him to forget. He doesn't . . . deserve that." It hurt to say that. It was as though I was condemning him with my words, finally labelling him 'irredeemable.' It wasn't true, but my heart twinged with the guilt of deciding that Light had to suffer for what he'd done. It felt unfair to brand him in such a way, no matter how justifiable. Especially after our conversation that afternoon.
Ryuk nodded, understanding where I was coming from after listening to my angry rants on Light I'd had in his company when the pressure got too much. Rem still said nothing.
"The Death Note needs to be destroyed," I continued. "But without him forgetting anything. Is that possible?"
Rem spoke up this time. "Someone in possession of multiple Death Notes won't forget if they keep ownership of one while abandoning another."
"So I'd have to give him this one if I was to destroy the one Ryuk gave him?"
"Yes."
I glanced down at the Death Note, at its blank pages, thinking of all the damage that could be done with a simple pen and ambition. Shadows danced beside it, hiding in the crevices of the bedsheets, huddling close to the edge of the notebook. They avoided the light in a way that I wanted to avoid the actual Light.
"But I can't give him this one," I said.
"Then he will lose his memories," said Rem.
"And everything that brought you together," said Ryuk, showing uncommon shrewdness.
Not giving in to my tears, I leaned forwards and pressed my forehead on the strange surface of the notebook, wondering when my life had become such a mess.
It has been said home is where the heart it. Sometimes I think I lost my heart back in Canada, when Granny Hiro breathed her last and the hostile gazes of her family forced Quinn and I to Japan. It's not at Whammy's, or the orphanage's. Those places were far from what I would consider home. It could be that a piece of my heart was left with my parents as they died. That's not something I enjoy contemplating.
However, I do know one thing. Home was not the apartment on that main street in Tokyo, as I sat surrounded on all sides by people who each cared for me on some level and were making conversation on things I could care less about. Light was not home. Misa definitely wasn't home. Sayu, though she'd wriggled a way into my heart and carved herself a den, was not home either.
No, home at that moment was in his room, sitting on his bed plucking at the strings of his guitar. Excusing myself, earning concerned looks from all three around the dining table, I went to Quinn's room, sat next to him, and rested my head on his shoulder. He said nothing, continuing to pick out a tune.
"Leave it simple," I murmured, turning my head to bury my face in the fabric of his t-shirt. "Keep it on guitar only."
"Okay," he said. Time passed inconsequentially on the Sunday afternoon. Misa and Sayu discussed Misa's latest modelling career. Light would occasionally add his two cents. Ryuk hovered in the background, next to Rem who could not be seen by anyone but me. Gelus' Death Note was tucked away among my art supplies, deep in the mess of my bedroom where it would not be found.
"Mi-chan!" Sayu burst into the room, not looking at all abashed for interrupting Quinn and I. "What are we having for dinner? Misa-san wants to stay too."
Sighing in amusement, I stood up, ruffling Quinn's hair as I did so. He was filling out, growing into the man he would become. If he kept growing at the same rate he'd be taller than Light in no time.
"You need a haircut, Q," I said as I left the room. He didn't so much as move his head, making a noncommittal sound without pausing his playing.
When I entered the living room I froze. Misa and Light had gravitated to the couch, and Light's left arm was on the backrest, inches from Misa's shoulders. Light's mouth was curved into the gentle, interested smile that he used on most of the girls at school, one that said, 'yes, I'm listening. Tell me everything.' He hadn't used it on me since I found out about Ryuk. From Misa's expression, it was working a treat on her.
"They've been like that for at least ten minutes," Sayu whispered to me, her features a mask of anxiety. "What's he doing?" Misa was describing her first modelling job, dropping names and companies in every third sentence. Light nodded at the right moments, commenting when necessary and otherwise playing the part of an interested man who's willing to buy a pretty girl a drink perfectly.
"Don't know. But I can bet we'll find out soon," I hissed back. In a louder voice I asked, "So, what do you want for dinner?"
Light and Misa sprang apart, a light blush on Misa's cheeks. "Minerva-sama!" She jumped off the couch and bounded up to us, clasping her hands together. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. I needed some space, that's all." Over her shoulder Light was showing a remarkable amount of annoyance that was barely covered by concern. "And please, just Minerva."
"Mi-chan then!" Well. Give the girl an inch and she'll take the mile. It would have been rude to dissuade her, even though Sayu was looking positively murderous that this almost-stranger had stolen her coveted pet name for me, so I smiled and invited her to help with the cooking. She leapt at the opportunity and scampered into the kitchen.
"So, Misa-san. How old are you?" I asked as I got out the ingredients for lasagne.
"Misa's nineteen." She took the vegetables from me and set to work trying to find a knife and chopping board.
"Sayu, can you help her?" I said absently, turning on the oven and defrosting mince in the microwave. "You're living alone then?"
"Yup."
"That must be lonely."
She hummed, setting to work on the vegetables. Without asking Sayu started on the cheese sauce. I could feel Light's eyes on me, burning into the back of my skull. I debated sending him away but that would only make him interrogate Quinn for whatever plan he had boiling in the back of his mind. Better grin and bear the silent irritation where I could see him.
Conversation passed in the same vein for a while, discussing Misa's time in Tokyo, what she'd seen and what she hoped to do. Somehow she managed to wrangle a promise for me to take her on a tour, just the two of us, in a week. Sayu joined in too when I'd dragged her into the conversation enough times for her to get sick of being asked questions. It was surprisingly companionable. Nothing to do with Kira or Ryuk or Rem. Us three in a kitchen cooking a meal like friends might do on a sleepover. If it wasn't for the gazes of Light and two Shinigami on my back I might have deluded myself into thinking that we were normal.
It was when I picked up the heavy glass baking dish that was brimming with the lasagne that things went wrong. My right arm decided it didn't appreciate the strain put on the cound and decided at that moment to seize up and blast an angry red hot spike down into my fingers. I gasped, the baking dish falling onto the countertop with a crash as I slid to the floor. My back smacked against a cupboard handle and yelp tore up my throat. Tears in my eyes, I curled on the floor, hugging my arm gingerly to my chest and trying not to let anything touch my shoulders or spine.
Pain, pain, pain. Make it stop. Damn it, this wasn't supposed to happen again.
"Minerva!" A hand took me by the shoulders and tried to roll me over but I growled, lashed out, and curled up tighter.
"V?"
"Quinn," I gasped. Why did this keep happening to me?
"Mi-chan! What should we do?" Misa cried.
"She needs to go to the hospital," said Sayu, who gently took my head and placed it on her lap. Her hands carded through my hair, soothing and cool against my burning scalp. A fever seemed to be running rampant through my veins, causing my fingers to lock and my whole body to tremble.
Quinn's voice sounded close to me. "We can't take her to the hospital."
"Why not?" asked Light.
"She wouldn't want to pay."
"But I can pay!" said Misa.
Quinn took a hold of my hands, uncurling my fingers and interlacing them with his own. Still stuck in a misery of pain and fire, I shuddered, holding on for dear life.
"We don't take charity," said Quinn sharply. Misa gave something between a gasp and a squeak. Quinn ignored her in favour of Light. "Light, help me." With gentle hands, Quinn slowly pulled me up, grasping my forearms. I whimpered and almost collapsed when my forearm screamed internally once more. This had never happened to me before. I'd never felt so much pain. Through the fog of my mind I questioned whether hitting the ground had been the straw to break the camel's back. It was as though all the injuries I'd gained over the years were reopening.
Someone grabbed my left arm, Quinn holding on to my right, and I was half carried, half dragged across the floor. Through bleary eyes I saw my bedroom, the floor covered with crumpled paper and the skirting boards invisible for all the canvases, some finished, others blank.
I was laid down on my side on the bed. Sayu took my pillow's place and continued her ministrations while Light and Quinn argued overhead. Their figures were nothing more than blurs in my vision, one blonde, one bronze, both imposing. They were similar in ways – wirey frames, pale skin, a silent strength that invoked loyalty in those around them. Yet Quinn could be trusted to respect that loyalty while Light would only use it for his gain.
"I need to make a call," said Quinn, and he left the room, taking my phone from the bedside table with him. I had a sneaking suspicion he would be using the unnamed number in my contacts that connected directly to L.
Light sat down on the end of my bed, his hand finding its way onto my ankle. My eyelids felt heavy, and I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and not awake, but something told me that to do so would be a bad idea. So I struggled to stay awake, focusing on Sayu's hands and Light's thumb that was stroking tiny circles on my bare ankle bone.
Misa fluttered by the doorway, her hands clasped together. Feeling almost guilty for making such a scene while she was over, I tried to gesture her closer. My hands ended up flopping uselessly on the bedsheets. Misa got the idea and knelt at my bedside, her hands grasping mine.
"Ryuk, what is happening to her?" asked Rem, who was a large white ghost in the corner of the room.
Her darker shadow didn't chuckle, for once. "No idea," he said. There was no apple in his hand, nor a smile on his face. He was the most serious he'd ever been since coming to Earth.
Light frowned at his Shinigami, obviously wondering why he'd spoken out of turn.
Then Quinn walked in, placed my cell phone on the bedside table, and said in English, "L's coming. You're going to task force headquarters."
From Light's look of complete shock, he'd understood all too well what Quinn had said.
TOWRTA: Good Merry Christmas Morning! Here is an update for you all to enjoy!
Alex (anon): So Misa's not getting the Death Note now and Light doesn't know about Gelus' DN. This may change, may not, but I'm pretty sure Minerva won't show it to him willingly. We'll have to wait and see on the 'queen' front though. With L coming into the picture things are going to get quite heated. (Thanks for your continual support! It's always awesome to read your theories!)
Guest (anon): AHH, NOW IT'S L TOO! WHAT IS GOING ON!? LKJDGHAS (loved your review by the way ;D )
Guest #2 (anon): Here's your update!
Sorry about that, but I always reply to every review and I have no choice but to reply here for the guest reviewers.
Enjoy your Christmas!
(And thanks to JaegarsWings for checking out the chapter before I posted it.)
Next time: L