The Last Ones Standing
Chapter 18
AN: TLOS got 2 new fanarts!
Illustration to Chapter 16 by J_wunwun. Actually it doesn't picture the content of the chapter, but uhm.. Madara's fantasy that was briefly described in Ch16. Careful with clicking though, the art is very, very nsfw (seriously, do me and yourself a favour and don't click if you're under 18): twitter j_wunwun / status / 1295348751775797249
A comic to Chapter 17 by Amusl02: amusl02 . tumblr post / 627008963843702784 / my-first-madasaku-fanart-and-its-from-the-last
Thank you so much J_wunwun and Amosl02!
When she left the river, he was gone. Was she in for so long? She dried herself off with the blanket he had left and went home. She needed to laugh a bit at his blunder – as he left her the blanket and was gone himself, she now had to carry it through the current. Of course, it got wet – she wasn't trying water-walking yet.
But then he didn't return for the supper and Nyobu clones that brought her fresh supply of fruit told her that he left the dimension. She couldn't sleep the entire night double- and triple-guessing his reasons. It must have had to do with their encounter, had he had new intel or a new idea about their itinerary, he would have shared it with her.
That what happened by the river… Well. It was surprising. And yes, the very end startled her. How could it not? And she ran to the water because she really needed to wash up. But… Should she have stayed? Did he now think she was angry? Was he angry? Probably he was, he was often angry, in that weird, self-digesting way. Sakura could never understand why men reacted with anger to most of the problems. Or maybe she wasn't the one the criticize – she kept punching Naruto and even poor Sai for every misstep. But she wasn't really angry with them at those occasions. It was more like… not knowing how to get her message through. Maybe he was doing the same. But she hated his way of showing anger – not saying anything for days. Like at the very beginning, when he was processing the real role he had played in the Tsukuyomi. She at least simply punched people – that was a very effective way to... reduce the distance.
Sakura sighted heavily and got out of the bed. He won't come back tonight, she should better put that stew back to the pot, she thought scraping out the content of the bowl.
The sleep was even further away afterwards so she went out and sat at the mouth of the cave staring at the violetish moon of Shikkotsu. Why did it have to go so awry? It was beautiful, what happened down there, she thought looking at the grassy bank. Sure, she wasn't planning for that, she never imagined exactly such a… spatial arrangement… She was blushing even at the recollection. She just had thought they would do it as usually. And maybe that… Maybe that it would just flow, morph into something else and they would follow wherever the current would take them.
Well, it led to what it led. It didn't really matter. And it didn't matter what exactly he'd done down there, between her legs. What mattered was that it had been together. And they had fallen into a resonance. It was what was making her head spin even now – that someone wanted her, and every aspect of her. His drawings showed her that much, but today, his actions had had her experience it first-hand. She never expected to receive that, from anyone. The thorn of Sasuke's rejections was lodged too deep in her heart. She always thought that she would be the one offering unconditional love. Now she was receiving it. Her heart would have been swelling from joy had it not been for the fact that Madara was gone.
He was back the following afternoon though. He strode up the slope in a brisk manner.
"Do you want to continue the search?" Were his first words, before she managed to say anything. And she had so much to say. But when she nodded in an answer, he flooded her with a barrage of questions. "Even knowing the new risks? We can get stuck in another one. Or in a far worse place. I calculated the chances: so far it was one chakraless dimension out of five thousands. Do you want to take this risk? Is it worth it to you?"
Sakura blinked her eyes, confused. "Worth? Yes! Of course, it is!"
"Are you fit enough to start healing me on regular basis?"
"I think so…"
"Good. Then we should start organizing for the next branch. Because I am of a firm opinion that we should skip the left branch for now. We still have two others to check. We should avoid that region branch all together. Gods know if there isn't a cluster of those chakraless worlds there…"
Sakura's head spun. He was providing so much information at once, expecting her decisions, demanding her answers before she could voice the questions she wanted to ask… "Yes…" she said pressing fingers to her temples. "Yes, skipping the left branch is a good idea… But…"
"Then why don't you think about re-packing us?" Madara opened a storage scroll. "We need to be prepared for the eventuality of another trap. Put light-weight yet calory-rich food and necessary equipment into those." He handed her two backpacks. "As much as we can carry. And don't try to play a hero and put heavier stuff into mine, alright?"
Slightly stunned Sakura accepted the backpacks pushed into her hands. Madara turned and headed towards the river.
"Wait! Where are you going?"
"I have a lot of meat to process."
Sakura rubbed her forehead. "Why the hurry all of a sudden?"
Madara halted but didn't turn back to her. "You asked about the tree yesterday. I went to check."
Sakura gulped. She knew what the pause in his voice meant. Fear constricted her throat like a garotte. "How… How many are left?"
"Couple of hundreds. Maybe a thousand."
Her hands were shaking when she was unsealing and re-sealing all kinds of supplies. Who was still there? Tsunade-sama for sure. Yamato-sensei? Choza-san? Hinata's father? Will… will Hinata be between that thousand? Will Shikamaru? Ino… Sakura rubbed her eyes. Ino never had that much chakra, even her Mind Transfer Jutsu was always taking a heavy toll on her. During the war she connected to the entire Alliance, the chakra-drainage must have been enormous.
She never found Ino. Sakura knew it was impossible, and would have been a waste of a precious time. But she never tried. Maybe she should have had. They won't make it in time – she saw it clearly now. She still didn't quite internalize it, but the thought was there.
Maybe instead of disembarking into another hopeless mission it would have been better to find Ino and sit with her and chat. Remember the good times. Reminiscence how their friendship started, back in the pre-school, their idiotic bickering over Sasuke, the Academy times… This good dozen of missions they completed together… Tenten's birthday when…
No. It wouldn't have been better. And they still had a chance, as slim as it was. Sakura looked at the scrolls lying in disarray around her. She was completely ineffective about it; she needed a clearer head to strategically choose the supplies they will carry in the backpacks... She got up and went to get some fresh air. To her right she could see the place Madara chose to prepare the meat. She averted her eyes. He brought what looked like ten deer. Approximately. Sakura couldn't really tell, because they were already in pieces. He was kneeling in a pond of half-congealed blood and she could feel the stink even up where she was standing.
When he came back in the evening he reeked of blood and innards so much that she sent him out to wash up the moment he crossed the threshold. She must have fallen asleep before he came back.
They set off the next day.
She pushed them through a dimension after dimension quicker than they should have had been moving considering their health. It took her entire Katsuyu range and some dimensions after it to calm down and realize that they need to take it slower. The nerves were raging in her, but Sakura forced herself to remember their routine. They could only do as much as they could. Nothing good would come out of dying of chakra exhaustion somewhere in a far-away world.
How easy it was to forget the harsh lesson of the near-starvation. Sitting by the fire, Sakura tried recalling the mindset she had reached back in Shikkotsu. The constant anxiety that she was experiencing didn't change the fact she was alive. She should cherish it. She should count her blessings. And blessed she was.
She crawled between Madara's legs. That was normally the time when she would turn around, but what they had done the last time had changed a lot.
So, instead of turning around she straddled his thigh and propped hands on his hips. She could already feel the heat pooling between her legs. Sakura peeked up at him. "Uhm… can we do it, like, simultaneously? Can you touch me when I…?" She didn't finish, but bit into her lip, "You know…" She was still a bit shy with the wording. But he would understand her, no doubts about that. Without waiting for his answer, she started loosening up the lacing of his trousers.
Madara pried her hands away. "No."
She jerked her head up. "What no?"
"No, we cannot do it simultaneously." His tone was verging on sarcasm, as if he was explaining something to a very silly child.
"Why?" Sakura furrowed her brows in a lack of comprehension. And in irritation. She didn't like that tone.
"Because I don't want you to do it for me anymore."
As in a slow motion, she moved her hands away and straightened up. "Why?" she repeated, blood draining from her face. "What's wrong?" She hated how this word felt on her tongue. How could anything be 'wrong'? Everything was going so well!
"I don't want it anymore. I can still do you, if that's that necessary for your functioning. Turn around if you want."
"What!? No!" His leg lodged between her thighs suddenly felt like an intruding object.
Madara shrugged. "Then don't." He grabbed Sakura by the waist and moved her to her bedroll.
She plopped on her ass and scrambled up immediately. All logical thought was gone from her head, replaced by rising panic. "Madara. What is it? What happened? Why all of the sudden?"
"I changed my mind."
"You changed your mind?! Why? What did I do wrong?!" Madara laid down and covered himself with the blanket more snugly. Sakura shook him, but to no avail. "Tell me what's wrong! Why are you pushing me away? Talk to me!"
"There's nothing to talk about. Either you want to or you don't. You don't expect me to do it if I don't feel like "it", do you?"
She located his arm and forcefully pulled him up. He must have not anticipated the chakra-induced strength, so with the element of surprise she managed to get him up. "No. We will talk."
Madara tilted his head. "We'll see about that."
Sakura's pulse sped up. Something was very, very wrong. It was a repetition of her worst nightmares – not only rejection but being confronted with a wall, a wall of closed up silence that was not letting her in. Not again. Gods, please not again...
She knew how it would go – she would talk and talk and plead and she would get only silence. She would make up hundreds of paranoid scenarios and drive herself insane. It was always like that. It was always like that with Sasuke.
"Don't. Shut. Me. Down. Tell me why are you acting strange all of a sudden!"
"This thing is getting out of control. And it has to stop."
Sakura fell silent. She never thought of those things as of an area one could, or should, control. She always thought it was a decision. Like a jump into a deep water, like a step into a precipice. Not something you would need to actively rein in with your self-control. "And what is wrong with that?"
"I am afraid that I won't be able to keep myself in check."
So that was what he was doing all the time? Controlling himself? And now he couldn't? Should she be flattered?
"I've already done something I shouldn't have," he continued. "And I regret it. You have my apology for that."
Sakura glimpsed up. He didn't look apologetic. Rather boiling with fury. Was it all that it was about? Was he feeling guilty? That she could handle. At least she hoped so. She extended her hand and grabbed his. He didn't withdraw it but he didn't reciprocate the grip either.
"About that… I don't mind. Really." She rubbed an uncertain circle with her thumb. "It… it just surprised me, that's all. But not in a bad way! And then you were gone. And then we needed to set off into this branch and we never got to talk about it… But I liked it! Even if we didn't discuss it beforehand… We probably should have had… But it sorts of happened and that's also fine."
"No. That's not fine."
"Why? Things happen sometimes."
"Not to me." He pried his hand out of hers.
"So that's it? You hate being out of control? Are you so scared of it? Only that?"
"It's a foul feeling to be out of control."
Sakura laughed bitterly. "Isn't it? Well, welcome to my life. I could never control anything in my life. Things were happening all around me and I had zero influence… You can survive a little bit of that," she added with a smile, trying to indicate she was quipping. He didn't get the joke. Or didn't find it funny.
"It's not about my likes and dislikes," He was still dead-serious. "We are not going any further with that, because it's not the best for you."
Sakura balled her fists. She was trying, she really was. But this kind of attitude was ticking her off like nothing else. "You don't get to say what is good for me and what's not! This is my life! My choices! I make them!"
"And I make mine. You're not touching me again."
Sakura cried herself to sleep. Like years ago, on the first branch, all alone in her bedroll.
The travel up the branch was almost unbearable. They slept separately. They didn't talk. Gone were even casual touches when Sakura would prop her back against him while filling her logbook, or press her feet under his legs when they were getting cold.
Sakura was trying to distract herself with training – she was rebuilding her strength both with traditional exercise and through prodding the metabolism of her muscle cells with chakra. But all the stiffness and familiar pain of freshly trained muscles couldn't make up for the lack of touch against her skin.
The silence hung heavy between them. Not that the silence in itself was something rare – they never talked that much. At first it had been the silence between the strangers, later, the silence between people who had been comfortable in each other's presence not to have to talk the time away. But now the silence between them was that of rejection and lack of rapport.
The awareness that every jump could send them into a deadly chakraless trap wasn't helping Sakura's mental state either. Neither was the ever-present ticking clock. Or maybe the clock wasn't ticking anymore. Maybe it had already stopped. Maybe everyone was gone already.
When they reached the end of the branch - quickly, after 351 dimensions – Sakura, instead of disappointment, felt a strange relief. Four out of six directions were completed. Of course, she couldn't exclude that the two remaining ones weren't much longer, or infinite even, but that would have been a really bad luck. They managed to check two thirds of what they should have had. Would it make any difference for the deceased? For sure not. Only thing it could do was to soothe her guilt…
All of that made her decide to come back the same way they had come, skipping the search of the parallel branch. She had to face the truth sooner or later. She'd rather do it sooner. Sakura hated living in the suspense, she needed clarity at least on something in her life. Even if it was clarity of facing the end. Because all that Madara could do these day was to cultivate the silence between them.
They picked up their speed on the known track, as Madara could jump double and even triple distances when he knew what he was jumping into. No additional searches also sped the things up. They would be back home in less than a month and Sakura was finding out that the perspective of facing her greatest fear alone was too much to bear. She wasn't sleeping at all. The faces of her loved ones floated in the darkness whether she had her eyes closed or not. She wanted to cry, she wanted comfort. She couldn't go through it alone.
She had to confront him again. She had to find a way to get through to him. Over the past weeks she tried talking to him, gently guiding the conversation onto the topic of 'them'. Only to be quickly served the same offer of satisfying her needs with an added statement that he, himself, had no wish for any interaction. She tried telling him that they can come back to what they did at the beginning, that the 'how' didn't matter to her as long as it was together. In vain.
She had to try again. But she didn't know how. And she was angry at herself for the lack of ability… Sakura searched her heart – she was also so angry at him for ruining it all, for not letting her in, for being just like… Oh, that comparison stung. That stung so badly that she didn't even want to dwell on it.
Anger… She rarely felt it. Maybe that was the answer? He was angry as well… How to get rid of anger between them? How was Naruto doing that when trying to get to Sasuke? She had to admit he had more successes in that than her.
"Are you angry?" she asked when they landed in a stony, barren dimension some hundred fifty jumps away from home.
Madara looked at her, surprised. "No?" he said. "Why would I be?"
"I don't mean now. I mean in general." There was no answer, she needed to prod him more. "All this branch long. Why are you acting this way?! Are you angry? Answer me!" she grabbed his elbow and shook him. "I cannot go on like this!"
He let her shake him. That surprised her.
"Yes. I am angry," he said quietly in the end.
"With me…?" she whispered. She could feel the thread, thin as gossamer at the tip of her fingers.
"Mostly with myself…"
"But with me as well… Right?" Don't let go of the thread. Just don't let it slip!
Madara looked to the side. "Not really with you. Rather with the circumstances that you are propagating. Don't… don't take it personally. It's nothing against you. I am primarily angry with myself."
The thread was between her fingers. "What can I do…?"
"Nothing, probably. You cannot change the disdain I feel for myself. You cannot break the Tsukuyomi, you cannot undo what I had orchestrated. You cannot reverse the time. I cannot, so you even less so. There is nothing we can do."
So that was what it was about? He was keeping her at a distance because of the guilt he felt? Sakura gulped. "We cannot do anything about reality, that's true. But those are things you feel - we can do something with what you feel…" Don't lose the thread!
Madara shook his head. "Like what? Anger doesn't give way to mere explanations."
Sakura squared her shoulders. "Fight me."
"What?"
"Fight me. When Sasuke and Naruto were mad at one another - they would fight it out."
"I'm not angry at you, I've told you already."
"I've heard. Yet I'm the only one here. Fight me."
"Out of the question."
"Why?"
"Last time we sparred I broke your arm. Sparring."
Sakura's eyes flared. "Exactly. That was sparring. Do you presume you are the only one with jutsu?"
"You can't be serious. I took on the entire Shinobi Alliance."
"As an Edo Tensei."
Madara rolled his eyes.
Something inside Sakura snapped. "Don't do that! Don't make such faces at me! At the very least: don't dismiss what I'm saying." She took a deep, calming breath. "You have a rip in your system. You have eyes that aren't even your own."
"Not much of a novelty for me."
"That you've never used in combat. I have Senjutsu. Fight me."
"Stop that."
"Am I so unworthy to you?"
"Stop that."
"Then why? You never say anything, never explain, you just push me away! I'm sick and tired of it! You know what? I am angry as well! If you are unable to talk then get what is bothering you out of your system through action. Let me at least be of some help to you!"
"By being my punching bag?"
"Maybe I won't be a punching bag?"
"You don't get it. I just cannot raise hand against you. I wouldn't be able even if I tried. I cannot hurt you."
"I'm not that fragile."
"Still. I see you and my hand stops. I cannot do it."
"Alright. And like that?" Sakura weaved a quick sequence of hand seals. With a puff of smoke, she transformed. She saw the corners of Madara's mouth lifting slightly. Did she do it alright? She had seen Shodai as an Edo Tensei only…
"Nice try," said Madara. "But he wasn't that tall. And skin is a wrong shade. But more importantly, he doesn't set me off, not anymore. He rather reminds me of about all the mistakes I've made. About all that led me here…"
Sakura crossed her fingers in a Ram seal again. "And like that?"
Ash-grey robes down the earth. Ash-grey hair dragging on the ground. Byakugan. Sharp and beautiful, yet so alien face. And a freakish red eye in the middle of her forehead.
"What is this?" asked Madara thickly.
"This is the rabbit goddess," her voice was changed. Sakura didn't remember how the rabbit bitch sounded, but surely, she shouldn't be using her own voice. "That's the real reason why we're here. Not you. Not your mistakes. Her. Fight her."
She raised her hands and pointed open palms in his direction. Natural energy rose from the ground in thick ropes. "Fight me."
She focused the chakra into her palms. She could do it. She spent weeks maneuvering chakra during her rehabilitation. She could now grab an object and fling it without touching. She could hold her ground against Madara. For a while. Hopefully for a long enough while.
"Fight me. I won't hold back." She let the spheres of chakra rotate before her palms. "Fight me."
Madara narrowed his eyes.
"The henge will be the first to drop, before you can really hurt me. You will know when it's over," she added. Seal of Byakugo crawled across Sakura's cheeks. With the familiar burn enveloping her limbs she felt a bit more secure. "You've cut my shishou in half and yet she lived. Do you think it is easier to hurt me? Fight me. Get it out of your system." She saw him hesitating. "This is not care that you're showing me now. This is disrespect," she yelled at him. The not-her-own voice rang bizarrely in her ears. "You disrespect me now and you disrespect me presuming to know what is good for me!"
She barely managed to redirect the shield of natural energy before the punch came. But she managed. She stumbled couple of steps, but stood her ground. Another punch. Fast. He was fast. She dodged – muscle memory of a trained battlefield medic doing the job for her.
Sakura let her reflexes deal with his kicks – so far, he landed only one, to her side and broke her rib – and concentrated on the ropes of natural energy. This time it would be different than their spars. This time she will attack.
Her body bent to avoid his fist. Sakura pushed a rope of natural energy into his torso. She saw how she knocked the air out of his lungs. He landed, coughed and charged at her again. From that distance he was an easy target – she sent him rolling back again. When he raised his eyes to her, there was calculation in them.
In a real battle on such sight she would have strategically retreated. Or rather ran for her life. Sakura widened her stance. Not this time. This time she was here to receive his anger.
He stood up and smiled, showing her his teeth. And took a step towards her. She sent one blast of natural energy after another. He side-stepped them all. Could he see them? Impossible! Another blast. He dodged. And entered her range. Now she was on the defensive again. Shit, shit, shit.
His Mangekyō was spinning. "But Sharingan doesn't see natural energy, even I cannot 'see' it," thought Sakura frantically trying to avoid the hits. "My palms! He realized I send them straight from my palms!"
Sweat ran down Sakura's spine. She needed to bend those ropes! The concentration it required was breathtaking and all that during the fight.
Another hit – to the side of her head. World went black for a split second. But the henge held, concluded Sakura picking herself up and seeing grey robe pooled around her legs. Madara was on her again. A blast of energy went out of her hand and she felt it curving and hitting him where he least expected. She grinned, she simply had to.
That was probably a mistake. Blue armor materialized around Madara.
Susano'o swatted her like a fly and this time she didn't even try to par the blow.
She couldn't waste time evading – she had to attack. She directed both streams of energy to the breastplate of Susano'o.
As she thought – it wasn't resistant to natural energy! She pried the blue layers away as easily as she would tear through mesh armor with her chakra enhanced strength.
Susano'o flapped the wings and jolted back to hover above her. Shit. Now he was too far.
Next thing she saw was a blazing inferno raining down on her. The earth wall that she summoned cracked, hissed and smoked above her head. But the flames were normal, red. As expected - he wouldn't use Amaterasu against her. She would be offended if she wasn't relieved. Normal fire meant she could power through it. She dashed from her shelter and ran. The robes of henge didn't catch fire; her own did. She summoned a small Suiton technique simultaneously directing all the natural energy into her feet. If she expelled it fast enough, she could maybe lift herself above the ground?
He wasn't expecting to see her in the air. She tore a person-sized opening in Susano'o's left flank before he jumped back.
But then a blow sent her flying. Normally it would have been the impact with the ground that would have hurt, but this time it was the punch. Or the punch as well, as the impact with the surface probably hurt also. Probably. Because she must have lost consciousness again.
Through pain Sakura forced herself up. One more try. She could still manage one more attack.
Extending her hands forwards Sakura charged straight at Susano'o. She hoped she was able to multitask to this extent – her entire attention was on the cord of energy flying parallel to her.
A blow of sword. Dodge. Second sword. Why did this thing had to have four arms?! The natural energy penetrated Susano'o's side. Sakura grabbed the sword and held it. Just a moment more.
Too powerful. Much too powerful to hold. But no matter. She only needed a split of second more.
She wrapped the cord around Madara's ankle and pulled.
Still inside the Susano'o Madara crossed his fingers into a seal. Susanoo punched. Flying back Sakura pulled at the chakra rope with all her strength.
Stones met her a couple of seconds earlier than him. Out of the corner of her eye of her eye she saw how he twisted midair and landed on his feet. Not very gracefully, but he landed.
She didn't. This time she really broke something. The something being several ribs, pelvis and probably her spine as well. She couldn't quite tell through the nauseating pain.
The seal was already working through her, making her anew in a blur of burning agony. Sakura closed her eyes. Henge was gone, she could feel sharp gravel against her calves, unshielded by the robes. She wanted to turn her head, but she couldn't. What did get damaged there? All the muscles in her neck? Tendons? Gods, it hurt.
She heard him coming. But something was wrong with him as well, the steps were erratic. Was he limping?
"Come here…" she managed to lift her arm to him. Blood was flowing from the open wound in her palm – there where she was expelling the natural energy. With a sick curiosity she focused her eyes – there was a hole to see through in her hand… "I'll heal you… Just come closer…"
Madara knelt next to her. "Oh gods." She didn't like his face looking like this. She should hurry with that healing. She hated when he frowned this way.
"I'm fine. I'm all fine. The seal is mending me. Come lie with me, so it can heal you as well."
He complied; the frown still so prominent on his face. She couldn't roll to the side, so he laid on his stomach, half on the ground, half on her. She wound her arm around him and let the seal expand from her body to his. Then she must have dozed off.
"What are your injuries?" Sakura asked opening her eyes. It was already evening; double suns of this world were setting in unison behind a mountain ridge.
"Broken ankle and my left lung hurts. And I think I ripped several chakra nodes."
"Oh. Alright. I'm on it."
There wasn't much left of her chakra and she spent it all on him. She dozed off couple of times out of exhaustion but he held her all the time and waking up felt like the old bliss.
"Do you feel any better?" she asked.
"Yes. You fixed me."
"No. I meant… Are you still angry?"
"I don't know. I'm very tired. And I hate it that I've hurt you."
Maybe that was her boys' secret? Maybe if you run yourself half dead you don't have energy left for anger?
She wasn't angry at him either. All the resentment she felt for the ignoring and rejecting her had evaporated. Now she only wanted him close. No matter how.
But what he'd said… Sakura forced her mind to focus. That thing about not hurting her… Maybe it was the problem? "But you didn't hurt me. See, I'm here. You always think you're harming me but that's not true."
"There are other ways in which I harmed you. And will harm you still."
"What ways?"
"I took your life from you. I took every single of your loved ones from you. At the latest when we return to our world, you will hate me."
She would normally argue, deny, shout that it wasn't true. But now she heard him. Not only listened, but really heard. "I don't know how I will feel about you when I see everyone gone… I know that today I don't hate you," she offered the only truth that she had.
"I've seen people losing their loved ones. I've been through it myself. It changes people. After Izuna… I was never the same again. Even when I signed the truce, even after I founded the village. It wasn't the same between me and Hashirama."
She nodded into his chest. "No, it won't be the same. But what about forgiveness?"
"Maybe you will be able to grant it. Maybe not. Only time will tell."
She held him closer. "Only time will tell."
"That's why it would be very selfish to take that from you, even if you would have 'let it happen'".
This time Sakura's wiggled in his embrace to get a better look at his face. "By 'taking' you mean my… ehm… virginity?"
"Yes. Engaging it those activities with you, I've already done a huge disservice to you. Granted, our circumstances are extreme, but still… That was a disservice for you. Don't you want to save at least a fraction of your chastity for your marriage?
Sakura pressed both hands to the sides of his face. "Madara… Stop. And stop talking about it as if it was something that defines me. Times have changed, it's not that important anymore…"
"Alright." He paused. She could see that he was digesting what she just said. He seemed more open to her point of view than usual. "Alright. But don't you want to save something for someone you love? We'll find your teammate," he added when she failed to answer.
Sakura bit her lip. When he put it this way…
Did she love Sasuke? She supposed she did. That Sakura from three years prior did love Sasuke from three years prior. She hadn't seen him since, so how could she stop loving him in absentia? In absentia of which he wasn't guilty… It's not that he chose to abandon her. He was just ripped from her by the fate.
Her feelings towards Sasuke didn't change. How could they? On what basis?
Only that… they faded. They got smaller in comparison with all those great, big things that happened around her. And so much happened over the last three years. So many horrible things. So many… beautiful things as well, as wrong as it sounded. Her love to Sasuke wasn't very significant in all that… And as her love shrank, a space got freed in her heart.
Can you love two people at the same time? Was it even… allowed?
"And if we run out of options, we'll go to the honeycomb," said Madara rubbing a circle between her shoulder blades. "It's an entire world full of people. There will be someone there… I'm not robbing you of a chance to be with someone you love."
Did it hurt him to say that? It must have. His notebook was the ultimate evidence, but even without it… How could she not feel it? Somewhere, somewhen during those years together, it became so obvious, so natural that he loved her. It felt as if she knew since forever. Was he aware that she knew? There were very few things that escaped him, but maybe he didn't know that.
"It won't be robbing," said Sakura. "You won't be taking anything away from me. Rather… Having a chance to do it with someone that loves me…" Normally, she would be ashamed and self-conscious to voice such a claim. It would sound like bragging. And like encroaching on his privacy. But now... With all her heart Sakura hoped that he would appreciate her words. "I could never ask for more." She angled her head to look at him. He was so close that she couldn't really focus her eyesight on his features, so she nudged his cheek with her nose.
"You wouldn't ask for more because you value yourself too low. But you should ask for more. You should ask for everything. And as long as we are in this situation you don't have any other alternative than me. That is not a choice. I don't want that you to accept me due to mere lack of choice."
Sakura tightened her embrace. She didn't have a good answer for that. A moment ago, she hoped that her declaration will be enough. That her open arms will be enough. But apparently arms needed to be open for a right reason. "And what about you? You also never had a choice when it came to me," was the only retort she could think of.
"Oh, but I had. I didn't have to love. I lived my entire life without it. I had a choice. And I don't want anything from you if it comes without it. It would eat me alive."
Sakura pressed her lips to his chest. A love confession. On a barren rocky ground tens of dimensions away from home, with all her loved ones dead and gone… A confession that wasn't a surprise in any way or form. Yet to hear it… She will cherish this moment for the rest her life. Even if it ultimately meant rejection.
She wasn't going to fight his convictions. He had his reasons. Good reasons. She wasn't going to bargain, beg and haggle. You cannot fight out love. It can only be given freely. An illumination hit her: that was why he was retreating – he wasn't planning to fight for her love.
"Alright," she said. "I… I understand you…"
"Thank you."
"Just… Don't go away. Don't ever go away again." She ran fingers across his cheeks. "And somehow, someway I will find a way so that there will be a choice."
AN: Thank you for reading! It was a very difficult chapter to navigate psychologically, and after long struggles I hope it holds water. Please do tell me what you think about it!