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Chapter 4: I Just Want to Hold You Forever

With Melissa gone, the atmosphere between Philip and Rachel was suffocating. The boy was thoughtful, conjuring up ways to comfort his aunt, anything to alleviate the pained expression which was currently etched within her features. Rachel herself felt frozen. She was attempting to regulate her breathing following on from her sister's confession. She couldn't quite comprehend the selfishness and spiteful nature involved in Melissa's actions. Had the tables been turned, Rachel wouldn't have dreamed of doing such a thing. How could Melissa do that to her own sister? They were supposed to be family, loyal to one another. The younger sister's revelation was far from either of these things.

And then Rachel remembered Philip. Melissa had just abandoned him, disregarded his presence entirely. Rachel knew she had to show her nephew that she was there for him, that unlike his mother, she wasn't going anywhere. Looking up at the teenager, Rachel wondered how she was going to manage taking care of Philip's well being on top of her current conflicted emotions. It wasn't a question of if she could handle it, Rachel had to handle it. It wasn't at all in her nature to be selfish and put her own needs before others, and that certainly wasn't going to come to a halt now.

"Philip," Rachel spoke softly, catching the boy's attention, "do you think you'd feel up to going back to lessons? Or you can sit in here and get on with some work. I believe Mr Budgen has free lessons all afternoon."

Rachel's initial instinct was to keep Philip's routine as normal as possible. Knowing him fairly well, Rachel gathered that her nephew wouldn't want to sit and ponder on his current circumstances, he would prefer to distract himself with his usual tasks. Of course, if he was feeling up to it, Rachel would encourage him to open up about his feelings later. But if Philip was anything like herself, the whole situation would be far too raw at this current moment in time.

"I'll get back to lessons. People will only talk more if I'm gone any longer."

Rachel flashed her nephew a sympathetic smile, "I'll see you later Philip."

The boy stood and made a move for the door, before stopping to lean on the door frame and turning back to his aunt.

"I'm sorry Rach. For what mum did."

"Oh Philip, you've got absolutely nothing to apologise for. And I meant what I said, you can stay with me for as long as you wish."

Philip's smile was genuine now, and Rachel was glad that she could bring him a slight bit of happiness in this undoubtedly confusing situation.

"Thanks Rach," he spoke before exiting the classroom.

All Rachel wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. It seemed to be the only remedy for this current mess she found herself in. But that wasn't a possibility, something she had to accept. Whilst at school, she was a headmistress. Rachel couldn't let her guard down, not even to herself.

So taking a deep breath she stood, blinking back the salty residue which was threatening to fall. Walking out of the classroom and heading for her office, Rachel could only hope that Eddie had a lesson now, and he wasn't perched on the sofa or sat in her chair. She wasn't sure if her emotional state could take anymore revelations today.

But of course, Rachel could never be that fortunate.

Eddie stood as she entered, walking over to her slightly. He was evidently taken aback by Rachel's distressed demeanor, and his expression was questioning what on earth had taken place with Melissa.

"Rach?" Eddie queried, allowing his interrogative manner to seep into speech.

Rachel didn't know what to say, didn't know if she could even speak for that matter. She worried that if she opened her mouth, the somewhat inevitable tears would fall. Eddie had the outstanding ability to break down all of Rachel's walls and see through the mask she placed on her face from day to day. So she prized her eyes shut, hoping that this action would stop Eddie from noticing the slight glisten of tears no doubt present. This was why Rachel found herself jumping slightly upon sensing the warmth of Eddie's hand on her upper arm. It was something that would have normally sent shivers down her spine, and given her thoughts that weren't necessarily professional at work. Now though, it gave her a sense of comfort that perhaps Rachel didn't realise she needed. But it was a gesture which certainly didn't help her persistence to contain her emotions.

Rachel opened her eyes now, somehow not trusting herself to avoid falling into Eddie's embrace with them shut. She regretted her decision though, upon becoming witness to the abundance of emotions swimming in her deputy's own eyes.

"Come on, let's sit down," Eddie's voice was soft and calming, far from the way Rachel's thoughts were currently rambling on in her mind. His hand never left contact with her arm as Eddie guided her over to the sofa. Only when the pair were positioned did he allow himself to ever so slowly remove it.

The look of care and concern remained though, and the warmth left by Eddie's touch lingered on Rachel's skin. Something which she found far too relaxing for her own self control.

"What happened with Melissa?"

The sound of her sister's name rolling off Eddie's tongue made Rachel's skin crawl. She gathered that he would be just as distraught finding out about Melissa's confession. Rachel wasn't sure if she could stomach putting him through that.

Rachel focused her attention on the sleeve of her blouse, fiddling with it to avert her mind from the truth. She had to divulge all to Eddie. She couldn't keep something as significant as that from him. It would undoubtedly put her on par with Melissa.

"She's gone Eddie."

"What do you mean gone?"

"She's left, without Philip."

Eddie sighed, the reality of this situation hitting home. He couldn't stop the pang of guilt which coursed through his body to think that he had been the one responsible for Melissa's abandonment of Philip. If he hadn't ended things with her, the poor boy would still have a mother. And yet still, the alternative was worse. Eddie had been living a lie. He was in love with another woman, he was in love with Rachel. To continue with the deceit would have caused Philip an immeasurable amount of hurt in the end anyway. The truth always found a way of revealing itself.

"Rachel… I'm..."

"Don't apologise Eddie. It's not your fault," Rachel spoke sincerely, aligning their eyes for the first time since taking a seat on the sofas.

Eddie sighed once more before responding, "why has she left for good? Why leave Philip? The poor lad..."

"She began to blame me, for you ending things with her."

This was it, Eddie saw it in Rachel's eyes. She was aware of his love for her. Eddie just had to make her believe it. But he had to hear her out first, and allow Rachel to comment on her version of events. Eddie had to know what had gone on so that he could care for Rachel. The way she was currently holding herself told him that she was far from okay.

"I was trying to diffuse the situation, I asked her to explain what had gone on between the both of you. So she did," Rachel gulped slightly, if Eddie didn't already know that she had discovered his feelings for her, he was about to find out.

"I… I couldn't believe what Melissa was saying. What she was saying you'd said to her."

It took every ounce of Eddie's willpower not to interrupt Rachel's words, and explain to her just how true it was, and just how much she meant to him. But he couldn't, not yet, so Eddie bit his tongue and hoped to convey in his facial expressions more than words ever could.

"I think… she wanted to make me believe her. So she told me something else. The night you and her went to the pub, when I presume you got together."

Eddie didn't miss the pained expression which flashed across Rachel's features upon recalling that particular sentence. He began to curse himself once more for everything he had put Rachel through, for even getting together with Melissa in the first place. Why did he ever try and avert his thoughts from Rachel? It was an impossible task, one he didn't wish to undergo. Eddie should've put all his energy into showing Rachel how beautiful she was inside and out, scar or no scar. Something which he was more than willing to do now, if she would let him. As well as these intentions though, Eddie found himself wondering what it was that Melissa had revealed to Rachel. What didn't he know?

Rachel broke eye contact once more, not trusting herself to reveal all whilst gazing towards Eddie. She paused for a moment, and reminded herself that this had to be done.

"Melissa told me how drunk you both were, you in particular. She said that you erm… you…"

Rachel couldn't get her words out. How was she supposed to repeat Melissa's earlier utterances to the man whose feelings she wholeheartedly reciprocated? Oh yes, she was just saying how madly in love you are with me.

"Melissa said that you confessed to her your feelings for me. She admitted that she gathered you'd been looking for advice, but she still went ahead and flirted with you. She mentioned how you must've been too drunk to remember the following day. And if… if you had recalled it, then you and her would never have gotten together."

Like a tsunami, the entire conversation with Melissa that evening crashed over Eddie. As well as this, a mixture of intense thoughts and feelings engulfed his mind. His initial instinct was to comfort Rachel, she was obviously cut up about this, and rightly so. But Eddie's anger and animosity towards Melissa seemed to possess him. Shortly after capturing Rachel's eyes in his own for a split second, Eddie stood, flinging his arms up in the air.

"How could she do that to me? Never mind me… what about you?" the emotions were evident in Eddie's tone as he spoke, along with his shoulders flicking up and down with sheer resentment for his ex-fiance.

Realising that she needed to calm Eddie's bubbling rage, Rachel too stood, placing a comforting hand on his forearm. It was something she had been reluctant to do, Rachel wasn't sure if her tenuous self control could handle it. But she loved Eddie, and cared for him just as much. She wanted to be there for him just like he was always there for her.

Almost instantly, Eddie came to a standstill at the contact. With Rachel's hand on his arm, he could feel the tension slowly leaking out of his body. It was a reminder that there was someone in front of him very much worth fighting for, a woman who he loved and who deserved his undivided attention. His fury filled expression melted away, and Rachel recognised this as their eyes met. Seemingly with that one look, all emotions and feelings had been conveyed without the use of words. They loved each other, first and foremost.

"Eddie, I completely understand how riled up you must be feeling right now. God knows, I'm furious with Melissa, I could swing for the selfish liar."

As Eddie allowed Rachel's words to fill his mind, rather than the pure anger he was feeling towards Melissa, he found himself focusing on something in particular which she had said. I'm furious with Melissa. If Rachel felt that strongly about the situation, about Melissa disregarding Eddie's love for her, then surely, surely, she felt the same way. Sparks of hope fired up within him, yet before Eddie could comment, he recognised Rachel to be speaking once more.

"But right now Eddie, I need to focus on Philip. I think we both do. He's built up a bond with you in recent months, I just think retaining that, will do him the world of good."

"Absolutely. What Phil needs right now, is for us to show him that we're not going anywhere."

"Thank you Eddie, I really do appreciate your support on that. I just think Philip still needs a male influence in his life right now."

He smiled warmly before they both simultaneously glanced down at where Rachel's hand still remained. Not once had her touch faltered, and the pair were seemingly only just noticing that. The acknowledgement had them both blushing furiously, in particular Rachel, who drew her hand away painstakingly slowly. The temptation of the gesture was catching up with the woman who made it.

"Well," she began, stepping away from him, "I've got a mound of paperwork to attend to so…"

"Rachel," Eddie pulled on her wrist slightly, hoping that she would let them have this conversation. He needed to divulge to her what his feelings really meant, and he had to hear it confirmed that she feels the same.

"Can we talk?" he asked, all of a sudden feeling rather unsure of himself.

Rachel gulped, knowing exactly what Eddie meant but not sure she was yet ready to face it and admit her own overpowering feelings.

"What about?" she responded, choosing to pretend that she wasn't completely in the know with where this conversation was heading.

"I think we both know what about," Eddie said lightly, hoping that the crooked smile he gave would ease any tension.

Rachel only nodded curtly, accepting that this discussion had to happen now, or it never would. Searching for some kind of courage deep within her, Rachel made her way over to the sofa once more, presuming that Eddie would be following in her wake.

He was of course, coming to sit next to her almost instantly. As brief silence evaded the room, Eddie realised that the ball was in his court. It was his move to make, his turn to speak. No matter how much he wished it wasn't. He was more nervous right now than he would ever care to admit to anyone.

"Bolton told me that you changed your mind… about resigning."

No matter how hard he had tried, Eddie couldn't begin this discussion by divulging his feelings. Thinking about how Rachel could react, it had put him on edge, he had to find some kind of bravery or reassurance before hand.

Rachel smiled at him, apparently glad that he hadn't jumped straight in at the deep end, "yes erm… it was just something he said, made me think twice."

Eddie reciprocated her warm expression before exhaling slightly, maybe preparing himself for the imminence of his next words.

"My reasons for breaking up with Melissa, what she told you, are true."

The ability to breath was snatched away from Rachel almost instantly. She had endured this conversation several times in her dreams, and yet the reality was far more surreal than any kind of fantasy. She did realise though, that Eddie hadn't yet said the words. And from the way he was tapping his fingers against his leg in a rhythmic beat, told Rachel that he was about to. She held her breath, and waited for those three words she had been longing to hear pretty much since the day she met him.

As Eddie's eyes met with hers, Rachel felt as if the whole world had stopped. Tunnel vision was in full swing, and Eddie was of pivotal focus.

"I do love you Rachel. Irrevocably, unconditionally."

She closed her eyes briefly, hoping to savour his words and this particular moment. Rachel recognised that she was yet to speak, yet to respond, but hearing Eddie's soft voice once more, this thought was taken away from her.

"I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself, for revealing my feelings too soon on the first day of term. But even more so, for getting together with Melissa. I was just lonely Rachel, and she was there. I didn't love her, not really. It has always been you."

She opened her eyes now, blushing from both Eddie's words and the loving way with which he was currently staring at her. At that moment, Rachel knew that she couldn't deny him anything.

"Eddie… I… I love you too. I have done for a while now. And Melissa isn't the only one who lied. When… when you asked me, if I was alright with your relationship with her, I said I was okay with it. But I wasn't Eddie, far from it actually. I just thought that… well my chances with you were long gone. I wasn't willing to jeopardise your happiness with Melissa on the off chance that your feelings still remained."

"I know Rachel, I know," he hesitated for a moment, before stretching his arms out to her to bring her into an embrace, "I was never truly happy with Melissa, you were always at the forefront of my mind. We've wasted so much time, and I can only apologise for that. I want to make amends."

Rachel didn't resist, settling her head into Eddie's shirt and draping both hands around the backs of his shoulders. He would cherish the way with which she was responding to him, and his head seemed to automatically come to rest upon her own.

"I'm sorry Rachel. I'm so so sorry."

Eddie continued to whisper apologies into the depths of Rachel's hair, and acknowledged that she was accepting them from the way her grip tightened around his body. With paperwork long forgotten, it seemed that the pair would be remaining in this position for the foreseeable future.