THE FOLLOWING IS A NONPROFIT FAN-BASED WORK OF FICTION
THE TOTAL DRAMA FRANCHISE IS OWNED BY FRESH TV, TELETOON, JENNIFER PERTSCH AND TOM MCGILLIS
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Review Roundup... thing:
Gucci Mane LaFlare: Oh thank god, people like the commentary. That was foremost amongst the ideas in the category of "sounds good in my head, but may well be complete shit"
lordgemini: I was hoping people like those two, espeically Adam seeing his utter lack of doing anything up to this point. As for the balance between those two and the canon cast, I'm working on sorting that out, but they've both sort of wormed themselves into several of the main subplots I have planned.
Guest:
Don't need many guesses to know who your favourite character is, huh. In all honesty, when I first planned this, Ezekiel had nowhere near as big a role as he does so far, even though the impetus for this story was a curiosity of what would happen if the gender ratios on the teams were balanced, then the ideas got away from me.
Kyred:
That is a question I can't really answer without mild spoilers, which I try to avoid because I have to give you people some incentive to stick around.
Content Warning: Contains language not suitable for good Christian boys and girls. Remember kids, don't swear, or Satan will rip out your vocal cords and use them to play terrible music at you for all eternity.
Before we begin this chapter, an important message from our… sponsor(?):
We find ourselves in an overly beige school corridor, occupied by a lone boy with his shirt on backwards. Another boy, this one possessing the knowledge of how to dress correctly, turned the corner into the corridor, and waved at the first boy.
"Hey" he said as he fell into step next to his friend and closed his locker for him "What's up?"
A few paces down the corridor, he spoke again
"How wasthaparditheothanigh?" he asked his friend. Evidently, he may be able to dress himself, but he has no idea of acceptable times to consume copious amounts of alcohol and mouth anaesthetic. Nonetheless, his friend understood him.
"It was alright. But there was this guy, and he was with his girlfriend, and he was trying to get her to something she didn't wanna do"
The correctly dressed boy nodded pensively.
"So wha'd you do about it?" he asked
"I din't do anything"
"Whoa" the second boy said, and placed his hand across the first boy's stomach, somehow freezing him in time in the process "what?"
He walked away from his friend, and turned to the camera.
"Guys, don't be like my friend who didntdonodnintgh, not doynghynhyn is pardodaproblm."
And with that, he walked off down the corridor, leaving his friend frozen in time forevermore.
It was an unquestionably beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the sky was a bright blue, and the clouds suspended therewithin were fluffy and white. The birds had stopped twittering, and had moved on to Instagram. From somewhere unknown to all, ethereal flute music washed over those campers still awake, instilling perhaps some hope that maybe today would be better, that perhaps this unending torment would rel-
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" well so much for that idea. A shrill, blood-curdling scream rang out across the campground, cutting off the pleasant flute music abruptly, sending hairline cracks running across every glass surface in the nearby area, and drawing the attention of just about every camper still conscious, and even waking up several who weren't.
"JESUS FUCKMOTHERING CHRIST WHY DO SO MANY OF YE' SCREAM LIKE YE'VE FOUND A FUCKIN' CORPSE?!" yelled Shannon, who had bolted upright at the sound of the scream. She wheeled around to find whoever it was screamed so damn loud, and saw Tyler halfway across the campfire pit, curled up into a ball and pointing at a bush, gibbering incoherently.
"I duh i ibba wha be duh buh guh uh ga in the buh be bah!" Tyler rambled, still wide-eyed and pointing at the bush. He kept on going, until, Eva, who happened to be sat the closest, stomped up to him.
"Snap out of it!" she yelled, and smacked him on the back of the head. Tyler was completely unprepared for a blow of such magnitude, and toppled forwards at astonishing speed, his face embedding in the dirt. But at the very least, the smack served its purpose of knocking sense into him, and a very muffled "thank you" could be heard from the soil around Tyler's head.
Confession Cam – Jeez, I'd hate to run into her in a dark alley. Or at all.
Tyler: "Man, I thought I saw a bear about to attack me! It was so real dude." He pauses and thinks for a second "You know, normally I don't dream like this. Guess I ate something bad"
The disembodied voice of Chef Hatchet: There's no-one in the confession cam, but Chef's yelling can still be heard from outside "Chris! These mushrooms ain't the eatin' kind!"
Eva: "So now my teammates are lunatics who scream at bushes." She says with her arms folded and a scowl on her face. "This couldn't get any worse."
As if out to prove that the universe is both always listening and very sadistic, Chris Maclean chose that moment to wander into the campfire pit, looking as though he'd enjoyed a very good night's sleep, his trademark smug grin still etched on his ever-punchable face
"Congratulations campers!" hey yelled, prompting a response of numerous complaining groans from his captive audience "You've reached the 24-hour mark!" They actually hadn't, but it was as close to accurate at Chris was ever going to get
"Time to take things up a notch!" he continued, as Chef walked in dressed in what appeared to be a fluffy pink sheep costume, and holding a harp.
Chris pulled a sheet off of a large pile of something that had somehow materialised next to him, I guess his reality warping powers extend to other objects, and the pile was revealed to be a very large and hastily thrown together stack of books.
"Fairy tales!" he proclaimed, prompting another round of groans from the campers.
"Oh he's not serious" Gwen remarked to Trent I assume; he certainly wasn't listening, instead looking on the sheer number of books piled up with wide-eyed horror.
Chris took the first book off the pile, a thick looking volume bound in beige, gave an overdramatic throat-clearing cough, and overdramatically opened the book. Next to him, Chef struck up a few pleasant chords on the harp, prompting sniggers from Chris that cracked his illusion of serenity, and a retaliatory growl from Chef. Distraction over, Chris began to read in a surprisingly subdued voice I didn't know he was capable of
"Once, upon a, time" he said, speaking with the tempo of William Shatner for some unknown reason "There was, inside this boring, kingdom, a boring village. And inside, this boring, sleepy village, filled with, very boring children, who, did very boring things…"
Chris's narration trailed off, mostly because I can't listen to all of it without falling asleep myself, and the same was true for the campers. There were a great many yawns from all sides. Geoff almost fell asleep, but was snapped out of it by Bridgette, who was also falling asleep, but happened to fall into him. On the other side of the campground, Cody swayed a bit, before toppling forwards onto the floor. Next to him, Adam looked on concernedly.
"Please don't fall asleep" he said, wringing his hands nervously
"Iss fine" Cody mumbled back "I'm just gonna… go wake Noah… yeah… I'm doing that…" And then Cody fell asleep, his thoughts filled with sights of identical sheep jumping over a single fence for no adequately explained reason. Adam frowned sadly, then looked away and sighed to himself
"And then there was one, I guess"
Suddenly the tone shifted, and the gentle harp chords were replaced by soft ballet music. Chef, now having somehow changed into a ballerina's outfit complete with tutu in under a minute, began prancing about with surprising grace for a man his stature. He leapt towards the Bass, spreading some faint dust as he did so, which fell on several campers, producing yawns a general tiredness in all. He leapt to the Gophers and did the same, and produced the same reaction.
Confession Cam – You know at this point I'm not sure who's dreaming anymore, me or them
Ezekiel: "You knoow, I've never seen a grown man in a tutu before. And I doon't think I ever want to see it again, eh"
Heather: She has her arms folded angrily, and is filing her nails as if she has a vendetta against them. "I swear, I am billing these people for my therapy when this is over" she shudders to herself in revulsion "No-one should have to see… that in a tutu. Blech"
From up a tree he had finally climbed, DJ smiled to himself as he tightened the knot fastening him to the trunk, confident in the fact that Chef and his magic ballet dust could not reach him up there. Why he thought being in a tree would prevent him from sleeping in general is a mystery to all, but it didn't even serve its primary purpose. Chef leapt with all the strength and grace he could muster, sailing past DJ as he did so, and the magic ballet dust was spread all over the boy. He yawned, his eyes drooped, and he collapsed forward as far as his bonds would allow, out for the count. Unfortunately, someone the size of DJ weighs quite a considerable amount, and that sudden change in momentum coupled with the fact that the trees, like everything else on the island, were utter shit caused the tree to topple forwards, squishing the brickhouse beneath the trunk with a loud 'THUD'. But at least he was awake again, and since no-one except Nate the cameraman (so no-one of any relevance) saw him actually sleep he didn't count as out, so heyo, small mercies and all.
From the other end of the campfire pit, a tired call of "Timber!" came from Gwen
25:24:44
By the time the dual-offense story time/magic ballet dust assault was over, 5 more campers had fallen asleep: Cody was obvious; Bridgette's fall, while it may have kept Geoff awake, had failed to rouse her, and she landed out cold; Beth and Katie fell near simultaneously when Chef leapt directly over the two of them; and lastly Izzy had taken a huge dose of ballet dust from atop the sky log, and fell both asleep and off of her perch: her fall was cushioned by the conveniently place Ezekiel she landed on. 10 campers had fallen, and 13 remained: Adam, DJ, Duncan, Eva, Ezekiel, Geoff, Gwen, Heather, Justin, Leshawna, Lindsay, Shannon, and Trent. Only one could win.
Conversation had mostly died as the second wind of the campers had finally worn off during the ballet offensive, and the only conversation that continued were Gwen and Trent's continuous bonding session, and the only other sound that occurred on a semi-regular basis was the occasional loud Scottish noise from Shannon.
On the Bass side of things, Eva sat, the faint sounds of incredibly angry music coming from her earphones. Suddenly, she stood up, drawing the eyes of those sat around her. She pulled her earphones out, and shut off the music, cutting off the 'singer' mid satanic screech.
"I'm going to the bathroom." She announced, and stalked off, stomping past the ever-smug Chris. Somehow, she failed to notice her MP3 player fall out of her pocket. None of her team noticed either, as a matter of fact, but more than a day of no sleep will do that to you. Chris might have noticed, but if he did, he certainly wouldn't point it out. But someone who definitely did notice was Heather. And as she watched the small device fall to the ground, the gears began to turn in her head, and a devious grin came to her face as Heather got an idea. An awful idea. Heather got a wonderful, awful idea.
She stood up, and sauntered on over to where Eva dropped her MP3 player. Along the way, she made sure to exaggerate certain movements, to make it look as though she was simply stretching herself to work out the stiffness of 25-and-a-bit-hours of just sitting around. She got to where the MP3 player had fallen, and she began a series of more stationary stretches. Her eyes were constantly darting back and forth, waiting for a moment when no-one was looking too closely at her. Finally, her moment came: she leant down, and stealthily grabbed Eva's MP3 player, tucking it away in her shorts pocket. She finished her stretching, and walked back down to her seat next to the barely awake Lindsay. She took the MP3 player out of her pocket and caressed it evilly, smirking in an equally evil manner as she did so; Lindsay noticed, apparently not out of it enough to fail to notice such a thing
"Um, isn't that Ava's MP3 player" she asked, a confused look on her face.
"Yep" was Heather's succinct reply
"Well, won't she be like," she paused to think of an appropriate description for those consequences, and smiled as it finally came to her "really mad when she realises it's gone?" nailed it.
Heather's smirk only got eviler. "That's exactly what I'm counting on"
What Heather failed to account for was her awareness of any onlookers not being totally perfect. For as she had looked around, she had failed to check her blind spot of directly behind her, and it was from there that she had been observed, her unwilling witness only looking that direction due to the sudden movement. As Heather had leant down and purloined the MP3 player of her enemy, Adam, devoid of his two companions, had noticed, and as the consequences of those actions dawned on him, his eyes went wide in fear.
Confession Cam: Stealing from Eva seems to me to be a lot like throwing sharp rocks at a very angry lion: a really fucking bad idea
Heather: her smirk is still ever-present "Eva may be by far the strongest person here, but she's also the easiest to get rid of. Just turn that temper of hers on her team and presto, one elimination, coming up"
Adam: his knees are drawn up to his chest and he's rocking back and forth, talking way faster than normal "So I saw Heather take Eva's MP3 player, and I know I need to tell her about it but I can't tell her about it because Eva is terrifying but if I don't tell her about it and she finds out I knew I'll end up a stain on the floor and I can't confront Heather about it because she's even more terrifying but if I don't then that makes me almost as guilty." He finally inhales, taking a large gulp of air, and stops rocking back and forth. "What do I do?" he whimpers to himself
27:02:54
After the tree had fallen on him, it had taken DJ a good 12 and a half minutes to extract himself out from under it, his efforts not helped by the various woodland critters that seemed to be mocking him all the while. Once he was out, he sat his bruised form down next to Duncan, where they sat in slightly awkward silence until the arrival of Geoff, who had finally realised Bridgette was asleep after twenty minutes of one-sided and very heartfelt conversation. The conversation picked up somewhat upon his arrival, but not to any amazing degree, and eventually the conversation lulled again.
"So," said Duncan, who was laid out on his back on the ground, his head resting in his hands "anyone got their eyes on any girls?"
The silence that surrounded the three boys shattered, and Geoff and DJ looked at Duncan.
"Well, there is one girl," said Geoff, a faintly wistful look coming over him "I'm pretty sure I've got a thing for Bridgette, but I don't know if she-"
He was cut off by Duncan throwing a scrunched-up ball of paper at the back of his head
"I meant someone other than Malibu, genius"
"Oh." Said Geoff, his face now set in a confused frown "Well in that case I got nothing." He then turned to the so far silent member of their group and asked: "How 'bout you, DJ?"
DJ raised his arms in an 'I don't know' gesture, and shook his head
"Man, I never really thought about dating before coming here"
"Pfft, lame" cut in Duncan. DJ shrugged in response
"'Sides, my mama always said I should get to know a girl before I started dating her."
"I take it back" said Duncan "Now that's lame"
"Hey, I think that's pretty cool" cut in Geoff. "Hey, you think that'd work for me and Bridgette?"
"I think what will work is if you stop acting all obsessed." Duncan answered in place of DJ "Sheesh, get a hobby"
"Shyeah, I would man, but there's like, nothing to do."
"I figured that was the point" said DJ "Get us so bored there's nothing to do but fall asleep"
"Well gentlemen," said Duncan as he sat up, a grin on his face and a mischievous light in his eyes "if there's nothing to do, I have a few ideas to keep us entertained"
DJ and Geoff exchanged a glance, before turning back to Duncan
"What'cha got in mind, dude?" asked Geoff.
27:54:33
It had taken him almost two-and-a-half hours of deliberation and psyching himself up, but Adam had finally come to a decision. He was going to talk to Eva, and tell er about what happened to her mp3 player.
He hopped to his feet, wobbling a bit as his legs protested at their sudden use. He straightened up, took a deep breath, and looked around to see if anyone was paying any attention to him. They weren't, so he gently stepped over the sleeping Noah and Cody, who looked as though they were about to start cuddling, and creeped his way over towards the Bass side of the campfire pit.
Adam slowly skulked over to the large gateway that served as the divider between the two sides of the campfire pit, and also the divider between the campfire pit and the camp itself. There was no sign of Chris, who had left shortly after he was done reading fairy tales to go enjoy a hearty breakfast and yell at some interns, or whatever it is he does in his spare time. Once Adam was behind the pole that marked the end of no-man's land and the start of the Bass side, he stopped, took a deep breath, rolled the kinks out of his shoulders, took another deep breath, clicked his neck, took a third deep breath, and finally put a foot forwards to walk towards Eva. He then froze, retracted the foot and darted out of view of everyone, hyperventilating slightly.
After a good twenty seconds of panicked breathing, Adam managed to calm himself down, and began muttering to himself apparently trying to psyche himself up again. Eventually, after a decent amount of muttering general platitudes to himself, he took one final shaky breath, straightened his posture, and stepped out from behind the tree he'd concealed himself behind, a determined expression on his face.
Only for all of that determination to be immediately knocked out of him as he walked out from behind the tree and straight into the back of Chef Hatchet, who was there for reasons known only to himself.
Chef turned around, at first seeing nothing that could have bumped him.
"These woods better not be haunted" he grumbled to himself as he scanned the treeline "last thing I need is haunted woods."
He then finally looked down, to see a visibly terrified Adam standing there, his knees knocking and his face pale.
Chef looked confused for a moment, as he tried to place which one of the numerous kids this one was. Chef had never liked kids. Eventually, he managed to match a team to the face, but no name, and he cocked an inquisitive eyebrow at Adam.
"Shouldn't you be on the other side?" he asked, sounding more confused than anything.
But being asked a question directly was too much social interaction with the big scary man for Adam to handle. With a pathetic whimper, his eyes rolled up in their sockets and he crumped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
Chef gave Adam's unconscious form a confused look, then shook his head and sighed.
"These kids just keep gettin' weirder and weirder, man"
With that, he hauled Adam off of the ground and tucked him under his arm, then marched on back to the campfire pit, his heavy stomps drawing the attention of those still awake and without any means of entertaining themselves.
Chef literally threw Adam's unconscious form over to the Gopher side of the campfire pit, where he landed atop Noah and Cody, who were definitely cuddling now.
And so, another one bit the dust.
30:00:00
Despite the ever-increasing strain on the campers' mental faculties, no-one else had fallen since Adam's fear-induced slumber. Lindsay and Justin hadn't moved in a concerning amount of time, but Lindsay appeared to still be making conversation with Heather, as far as you can consider vague mumblings about shoes conversation, and Justin stood bolt upright, hands firmly on his hips, staring unblinking into the middle-distance as he fought of the demons of sleep with naught but his good looks and his winning smile and his- okay what is wrong with me? Anyway, silence reigned over the Gopher side, save for the mostly hushed conversation between Gwen and Trent, and the occasional sleepy murmurs from one of the many campers laid out on the ground.
On the Bass side, silence would have reigned, had it not been violently deposed several times, first by Harolds angry cry of "Idiots!" as he was rudely awakened by a handful of shaving foam and a feather, secondly by the chorus of sniggering that followed Harold's rude wakeup as Duncan and Geoff made a break for it, and thirdly by Shannon's refusal to talk in a volume even remotely close to quiet as she explained to Ezekiel what a prank is.
The noise from across the campground roused Heather from the waking coma she'd been in, and she turned to her one conscious 'ally' and nudged the blonde girl on the shoulder.
"We should talk about our strategy." Heather did not receive a particularly intelligent response, even by Lindsay's standards. Her eyes fluttered open, blinking rapidly, and all she managed to get out was a "Huuuh?" before she fell backwards out cold.
"Great" Heather muttered as she folded her arms, glancing at the unconscious forms of Beth and Katie slumped together for a moment, before diverting her eyes to glare angrily at the ground.
"But, but, why?"
"Because Wurzel, sumtaims ye just wantae have a bit of a laff at someain else's expense"
Shannon was still trying to explain how pranking exactly worked to Ezekiel, who seemed to have grasped the concept, but was struggling with figuring out the motivations.
"I joost doon't get why people want that, eh? This just seems... mean"
"Ye got me there" Shannon conceded "'S why I only ever pull tha' shite on me mates. An' I guess I throw bricks at trains but e'en me fuckin' da does tha'"
This revelation about Shannon's pastimes threw Ezekiel for a loop, before he'd even finished with the first one
"You throw bricks at trains?" he asked, struck dumb by the idea.
"Weel, ye dinnae throw a brick at any auld train." Shannon replied, sitting up from her slouch "What ye' do, is ye' aeem fer furst class, and hae a laff at the faces on th' posh twats sat all coozy and nice in their plush seats wi' their fancy coffees."
Ezekiel opened his mouth to speak, presumably about to ask another question, but was cut off by Shannon continuing with her rambling
"Honestly, ye shood try it some taim. Great cather..." she trailed off as she tried to work out what the next word was "catar, cater... eh fuck it, it's a great stress relief"
"We doon't have trains where I live, eh"
Shannon's eye widened in surprise, and she turned to look at Ezekiel in confusion
"Fuckin hell, how far oot in th' middle a' bum-fuck naewhere de ye' live?"
"Quite a bit, eh. The nearest toown is an hoours drive, and they doon't have trains there."
"My gran lives in a village wi' less people than I hae fingers, and they hae a fuckin' train station." She said as she shook her head, "The fuck is wrong wi' ye' Canadians?"
Ezekiel shrugged
"I doon't know." he said "I've never been to much of it, eh"
Shannon gave him a vaguely quizzical glance, then look away and shrugged.
"Aye, fair enuff."
Across the campground, back in the Gopher encampment, the only conversation on that side of the field was still going on, as somehow Gwen and Trent hadn't run out of things to talk about in a day and a quarter. Granted, at this point the conversation had moved to just asking each other basic questions, but the fact they'd been doing so for this long is certainly impressive. I can't hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes.
"Okay..." Trent began, trying to think of a suitable question he hadn't asked yet "Lucky number?"
Gwen looked up in thought for a moment as she tried to dredge that information from her sleep-deprived brain
"Thirteen" she eventually said.
"Interesting," Trent replied "isn't that usually unlucky?"
"Maybe," said Gwen with an almost coy smile "but I don't really bother with usual." She drew her knees up to her chest as she thought to herself for a suitable response. "Favourite song?"
Trent, unlike his companion, needed very little time to think
"She Would Be Loved" he said with cool confidence. Gwen gave him a sort of funny look, first trying to remember what song that was, then realising he'd misremembered the title and judging him for openly admitting to liking Maroon 5; but before she could come to a conclusion, she was interrupted by Trent's question.
"Favourite colour?"
"Umm, midnight blue"
"Oooh, mysterious," said Trent, cutting Gwen off before she could ask another question "I like it."
Gwen smiled at him, an action she'd been performing uncharacteristically frequently for the past day. Then her head drooped, and she yawned, and it looked like she was to be the next victim of torpor.
"Ah, don't fall asleep!" Trent quickly interjected, placing a concerned hand on Gwen's shoulder. He stammered for a few seconds and his eyes darted about wildly as he thought of something to get his dark-clad companion out of the clutches of the night
"Okay, quick, favourite movie moment" he asked. Gwen's head lolled back, and she released a tired sounding groan as she did so. She blinked a few times, her eyes eventually focussing on Trent again, and her head cleared as she tried to dredge more information out of it. And as the information came to her, the faintest dustings of a blush appeared on her cheeks.
"Egh, you're gonna think it's cheesy" she said, refusing to meet his gaze.
"I promise I won't" he replied, a calm, honest smile on his face. Gwen studied his eyes for a moment, decided that she saw something trustworthy in them, and sighed to herself with a smile on her face.
"Okay... the kiss at the end of that road trip movie. You know, the one with the guy and three girls?" I can't say I know that one. Trent did however.
"I know the one" he said, pausing briefly to chuckle "you like that movie?"
"Ugh, shut up" Gwen said playfully, a smile tugging on her lips despite the embarrassment. In the fits of sniggering that followed, neither of them noticed the creaking sound off to their right, followed by the two faint thuds. Nor did they notice the rustling of clothing, nor the heavy footfalls in their direction. They did, however, notice Owen when he sleepwalked past them completely naked. Thew pair's eyes widened as their gaze followed is snoring stroll into the woods and far away.
Confession Cam – Hey, do you think I could sue for therapy bills? Because what the fuck?
Trent: He says nothing, simply huddling on the toilet seat in the foetal position, rocking slowly back and forth, his face pale and his eyes wide. He shudders once, and makes a noise of revulsion. He takes a long series of deep breaths, and tries to compose himself.
He fails and starts shuddering again.
Owen: "Did I mention that I ate the entire dish of baked beans and maple syrup?" he starts tapping his fingers together nervously "Funny thing about baked beans: they make me sleepwalk"
36:27:02
Time continued to pass in that vaguely nebulous way only it can, with minutes seeming like hours and hours seeming like minutes. Trent and Gwen had given up on trying sit, instead lying on their backs gazing up at the stars, pointing out constellations and other such sappy stuff that makes me feel sick. A few feet away, Heather seemed to be staying awake solely through a combined effort of willpower and hatred, glaring that anything that moved, and several things that didn't but looked like they did through tricks of the light. Justin stood as statuesque as ever, his luxurious hair rippling faintly in the breeze. Leshawna also sat alone, not wanting to intrude on Trent and Gwen's bonding time, and wanting nothing to do with Heather had resorted to staying awake out of sheer stubbornness, slapping herself every time she felt her eyes drooping.
On the Bass side of things, everyone was just as out of it as the Gophers. Eva hadn't noticed the fact her mp3 player was missing, based on the fact she was humming and nodding her head along to non-existent music. Shannon and Ezekiel had tried their best to keep up their conversation, but had failed and now sat poking each other to make sure the other stayed awake. And finally, Duncan, Geoff and a reluctant DJ had continued to mess with people all over camp, most of them being interns. Or at least they had until DJ had collapsed while carrying a bowl of warm water and he'd ended up dumping it all over Geoff. On the plus side the water kept Geoff awake, so the Bass were only down one more player rather than two.
As for the sleepers, there was very little happening, what with them being asleep. The only developments were Noah and Cody beginning to snuggle and Owen sleepwalking off the cliff.
The score was 5 all, and it was still anyone's game, any advantages in terms of constitution long since exhausted as the remaining campers kept themselves going on fumes and sheer willpower.
38:38:38
Like trees in a storm, the battering of the winds can remove even the strongest oak, and the batterings of time can put even the strongest willed campers to sleep. As was found out by Leshawna, who's strategy of slapping herself to keep herself awake worked, until she slapped herself too hard and knocked herself out. With Geoff's luck having finally run out, as he fell asleep for good with no-one left to wake him in their final moments of consciousness, the score was still even at 4-4.
It was at about this point that Leshawna found herself soused from her uneasy slumber by the sounds of movement and voices off to her left, as Trent and Gwen had finally given up on stargazing, having gazed intently at all of the stars worth mentioning. Instead, they turned their attention to the other male on their team still awake, the beauteous Justin.
"Look at him" said Gwen, pretending to be inspecting him but in fact checking out his pecs "he's like a statue."
The Adonis that was Justin gave no response to Gwen's comment, not even moving his eyes to look at her, as he stood stock still staring defiantly into the distance.
"He hasn't moved in over," Gwen paused to try and recall some semblance of time "30 hours!"
And yet Justin remained still, not even blinking as he remained statuesque. He continued to remain still as Gwen and Trent made funny noises and waved their hands in front of his face (and also all about the place but I think that was just Trent having a brief psychotic episode) to try and get a reaction out of him.
"Amazing" Gwen remarked "Just look at the concentration"
And that was when it happened. Seemingly finished with bothering Justin, Gwen tapped him on the head and turned to leave. This was the first thing that actually got a reaction out of Justin. He shook his head, a confused frown replacing the confident smile he'd worn for the past 38 hours, and his eyes opened. Gwen and Trent gasped simultaneously.
From across the campfire pit, and demonstrating wildly inconsistent powers of perception, Eva's eyes narrowed, and she pointed angrily at the model
"His eyelids are painted!" she yelled accusingly "I saw it!"
Chris Maclean, being as annoyingly physics defying as ever, chose that moment to randomly walk out from behind a tree he definitely hadn't been behind a second ago.
"Shut up! Oh, I've gotta see this!" he said as he did so, and as quickly as he appeared, he bolted off to the other side of the campfire pit, crossing the whole thing in a fraction a second and appearing right next to Justin to inspect his eyes. Justin gave the host a nervous smile, and a verdict was quickly reached by the supposed host with the most
"That is so freakin' cool!" he said, and for a moment Justin looked relieved. "But," he quicky added "you're still out dude"
And Justin's smile fell as his entire figure drooped, and he trudged away to wherever it is the losers go, eerily making no sound whatsoever as he did so. And so, the score became 3-4 in favour of the Bass.
39:05:32
Midnight had once again come and gone, and by technicality that meant the third day of the Awake-A-Thon was here. None had fallen asleep since Justin, but everyone was on their last legs, some on their last leg, and Trent was on about his middle desperate crawl.
Although apparently it appeared as though Duncan still had enough energy in him left for petty pranks on Harold, as he pulled the old hand in the warm water trick that baffles me to this day. Sure enough, through the power of something or other, the trick worked, and Harold's trousers were left damp and smelling like a phone booth after a Saturday night.
"Ah gross it worked!" he exclaimed, his powers of observation the envy of all, "Dude peed his pants!"
Something, whether it was Duncan's yelling or the uncomfortable soggy sensation between his legs, woke Harold up. He blinked several times, his eyes trying to shift the blurring of just waking up. He looked down, and took a few seconds to process what he saw. He quickly did, and gasped in terror as he drew up his knees and dropped his hands down to his crotch to hide his embarrassment.
Harold ran off to find new trousers and Duncan doubled over with laughter, and from the other side of the Bass encampment, Ezekiel had noticed what was going on.
"Hey, um, Shannoon?" he asked, nudging her in the side. Shannon came out of the glassy-eyed stupor she'd been in, making several confused Scottish noises, until she regained enough of her senses to realise what was going on.
"Wha's up Wurzel?" she asked.
"Um, Duncan was dooing another one of those pranks you toold me about on Harold."
Shannon's easy smile faded
"Awright, wha' was th' fucker up tae?" she muttered to herself as she looked at where Harold's previously prone form had previously occupied. Eventually, her eye focussed on the bowl of water. Several seconds of mental gears tuning later, and she'd worked out what it was Duncan had done.
"Oh fer' fuck's sake really? He pulled tha'?" she muttered, apparently disgruntled with Duncan's methods "At least do summat' wi' a wee bit a' class."
"Doon't you throw bricks at trains, eh?" Ezekiel pointed out. Shannon turned to him and gave him a slightly offended look for a few seconds, before quickly returning to her normal expression of neutrality.
"Ach, wha'ever," she said, shrugging "I'm gointae go see if Beanpole needs a new pair a' breeks."
She stood up, stretching out the kinks in her back as she did so. A second later, she froze and her eye widened slightly.
"Ah fuck, I shouldnae hae stood up so quick." She tried to take a step forwards, but her leg simply swung idly in the air. Without two feet on the ground to steady her, she began wobbling around, her balance clearly failing as her system tried to cope with the sudden movement and the sudden rush of blood to the head. All poor Ezekiel could do was watch in concern as the one person left he knew the name of toppled backwards, falling unconscious the instant she hit the ground.
A few seconds of silence passed, before Ezekiel finally found the words to summarise his situation
"Uh-oh"
42:22:24
Once again, the sun was peaking over the horizon, slicing through the dark of the night with rays of orange, and once again the ethereal morning flute music began.
Across the island, several campers began to stir from their long slumbers, awakening to the dawn with bleary eyes and foggy minds. One by one, they all began standing up, stretching out the stiff joints that come from sleeping on the floor or against a tree stump, and making their way to the unknown that is offscreen where I can't see them.
In the Gopher side, it appeared that Noah was yet to rouse, lost in the pleasantries of dreamland. Indeed, his dreams seemed especially pleasant, what with the vigour he was putting into his kissing of Cody's ear. But eventually, he slowly began to awaken, coincidentally at the same time as Cody.
And then came the screaming. First Noah, screaming in terror at the idea of having kissed a guy. Then Cody, screaming at the idea of a guy having kissed him. Then Adam bolted upright screaming because he thought something serious was happening.
"Wait," the smallest boy asked "why are we screaming?"
But he received no reply, as Noah and Cody had both bolted as far away from the other as their legs could carry them.
Confession Cam – Ya think that's the only action either of them have ever got?
Noah: He doesn't say anything, instead he furiously brushes his teeth as if to expunge the fact he kissed a guy from his mouth
Cody: "I would just like to state for the record that any kissing that may have happened in that scenario was entirely non-consensual on my part"
As the last of the sleepers cleared out of the pit, leaving only the final six teenagers railing against tiredness, none other than Chris Maclean decided now was the perfect time to show up from literally nowhere, producing a cup of coffee from presumably the same nowhere, or his back pocket, but neither answer makes much sense.
"What is the matter with you people?" he asked, his beady little eyes betraying no sign of tiredness as he paused to take a smug sip of his coffee "Fall asleep already!"
Before he could say more, or devise some new method of driving the sleep-deprived teenagers left in his care past the point of insanity, his merry stroll across the campground was interrupted by Gwen grabbing his leg and clinging to it like a toddler.
"You gotta hook me up, man," she pleaded, gazing longingly at the Styrofoam cup containing the bitter nectar she so desperately craved "I'll even eat the grinds, anything!"
She began reaching up for the cup, with Chris forced to stand on his tiptoes to keep the precious liquid out of her reach as the goth beneath him swiped with wild detirmination.
"Alright," Chris said, taking as large a step back from Gwen as he could "You six stay with me, the rest go take a shower" he hestured to the few eliminated campers still milling about "Seriously! You stink!"
As the final campers departed, Chris took an especially dramatic sip of his coffee, andf turned to the camera.
"I didn't want it to come to this," he began, feigning a look of remorse "I said that to Chef Hatchet last night, I said: 'Chef; I don't want it to come to this'."
Confession Cam – I can't feel my anything anymore, when the fuck do I get to sleep?
Chef Hatchet: He sits with his arms folded, a disdainful frown on his face "Pfft, yeah right. Pretty boy was downright looking forward to doing this"
"But darn it!" Chris continued, unaware of the post-production interruption, "These campers are tough! And so, I've come up with the most boring, sleep-inducing activity I can find."
Confession Cam – Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh
Gwen: "Oh come one, what now?" she pauses briefly, the adopts a pose of defiance "Okay, you know what? Bring it on."
Ezekiel: "I doon't think I can take much moore of this, eh" he says as he lies sprawled out as much as he can in a small outhouse
Chris pulled a book out of nowhere, and placed it down on the lectern that had somehow appeared in front of him, and adopted his weird narration tempo
"The history of, Canada, a pop, up book." the book was met with a chorus of exasperated groans, but Chris kept going "Chapter one. The beaver. National, symbol, and a 'dam', fine hat"
When he reached the pun, another chorus of groans rang out from the crowd, along with laughter from Ezekiel, who it seemed was just completely out of it
"Heh heh. Beaver." He said, and then he collapsed face first on the ground and passed out.
47:46:45
For the past five and a half hours, the only sound that could be heard was the dull monotone of Chris's narration of the seventeen volumes of the History of Canada in pop-up form. He was currently on Volume 5, the War of 1812, and I'm pretty sure everyone listening would rather be in the war of 1812 than right here. I know I do.
After Ezekiel fell at the first sentence, the rest of the final five held out for several volumes. It wasn't until Volume 4 that Eva succumbed, noticing only in her final moments of consciousness that hermp3 player was in fact missing. Her fall left the Bass down to their last player, with the Gophers still having three in the game.
"Which, was of course, the precursor to, the War of 18, 12" Chris was somehow still going in that same weirdly patterned monotone, his voice never faltering. The same could not be said for Heather, who slumped sideways off her stump, and lay sprawled out on the ground, her massive reserves of spite finally exhausted as her eyes fluttered shut.
And she was not the only one, as like a chain of dominoes, Trent too fell off his stump and into dreamland, the exaggerated cry of "Nooooooooo!" from Gwen doing nothing to keep him in the game.
And so, with the score at 1-1, Chris slammed his book shut, his work evidently finished, leaving Gwen and Duncan as the last players for their teams to battle it out for the win.
50:13:37
The silence over the campfire pit was a heavy oppressive one. With no-one else around and neither camper willing to talk, the only sounds that could be heard were the faint rustling of leaves in the wind and the birds who had moved on again to snapchat, the flighty fucks.
Gwen was slowly rocking back and forth erratically, trying to use the constantly shifting motion to keep her brain occupied on something; meanwhile Duncan was experiencing some karmic retribution for the prank he pulled on Harold, as he sat with his legs awkwardly crossed trying desperately to think dry thoughts.
Seeing this as his perfect opportunity, Chris Maclean phased into being somewhere beneath the lectern that was still set up, which he popped up out of in the hope of startling the campers.
"Time for a bathroom break" he announced "Any takers?"
Despite the clear desperation he was in, Duncan refused to show weakness
"I've held it this long sweetheart," he said, and I don't know who he was referring to there "I could go all day."
"Sure you can," said Gwen, apparently not tired enough to be unable to mess with people's heads "Just don't think about rain, or a waterfall, or a dripping tap, or-"
She was cut off by an annoyed growl from Duncan, as he stood up and stomped off towards the bathroom, accompanied by Nate the cameraman, who was sent to make sure he didn't cheat somehow.
With Duncan gone and her brief bout of fun over, Gwen returned to her stump and sighed, before resuming her sporadic swaying.
Meanwhile, on the toilet
"Duncan, dude, you in there?" Nate the cameraman asked the bathroom stall door. There was no reply, so he knocked on the door tentatively, and called Duncan's name again.
Still no reply.
Nate took a deep breath, muttered "It's not gay if it's my job" under his breath, and pushed open the stall door.
And there, snoring contentedly into the toilet paper, was Duncan, out like a light.
Back in the campfire pit, Chris stood up from his lean on the lectern, as if sensing a development in the air. He extended his arm off of the camera, and when it returned he had a note in his hand, which appeared from nowhere.
"We have news!" he announced to his captive audience of one, Gwen lifting her head from the floor at Chris's voice
"It looks like Duncan's taken a dive on the can! Which means the official winner of the Awake-a-thon is:" he paused for dramatic effect for some reason, despite the fact the following statement was blindingly obvious
"Gwen!" at his announcement, Gwen's strength finally gave way, and her arms collapsed under her weight as she settled peacefully into a well-deserved sleep.
"The Screaming Gophers win!" yelled Chris to his audience of now no-one
After fifty long hours, it was at last over. For now at least, the campers could rest.
The Cabins, 8.7 Galactic Standard Weeks later
After everyone had had a nice long nap, and in doing so thrown their body clocks completely out of whack, the vast majority of the campers thought that for now, their struggles were over. That fact was certainly true for the Gophers; with no elimination to worry about, they could rest easy knowing they were safe for at least another day.
The Bass on the other hand had suffering left to endure. And not just from the imminent ousting of one of their peers, no. First, they had to contend with an incredibly angry teammate.
To the surprise of no-one, that person was Eva, who at that moment in time was in the process of upending every single object that wasn't bolted down in the Bass cabin, and a great many that were, in a desperate search for her precious mp3 player. After throwing out every bed, one of which contained a sleeping Shannon, who managed to remain asleep for the entire duration of her flight and the subsequent crash landing; she then threw out the bedside tables, the light fittings, the windows, a canoe, a singular ski, a kitchen sink that was there for some reason, a half-eaten roast chicken, and several musical instruments, ranging in size from a kazoo to an upright piano.
"GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" She yelled, evidently quite disgruntled at her failure at finding the device. She leant out of the window at her cowering teammates and yelled again
"Where is my mp3 player?!" she demanded, to no reply. She continued "One of you must have stolen it, I need my music!"
She ducked back inside briefly to throw Tyler outside, who had snuck in for some reason, and she returned to the window.
"No-one is going anywhere until I get my mp3 player back!" she threw a book outside, a thick, leather-bound copy of the Necronomicon, which Harold narrowly ducked under. Tyler wasn't so lucky, as his standing up from his impact on the ground placed the back of his head straight in the tome's path, and sent him flying straight back down.
"Okay," said Courtney, turning to the rest of her terrified team. Except Izzy, who was standing in the epicentre of the thrown items with a calm smile on her face, pirouetting around them as they were thrown with surprising grace.
"Whoever took it better give it up now, before she destroys the entire camp!" Courtney continued
"Hey guys" came the conniving voice of Heather, standing just outside the danger zone and sounding particularly smug "Wow, this place is a mess"
She was met with a mix of annoyed glares and fed up glances, and Ezekiel didn't meet her gaze, mostly because he was cowering behind DJ, who was in turn cowering behind Geoff.
"Somone stole Eva's mp3 player" Courtney explained, looking more fed up than afraid
Heather feigned a surprised gasp, one that managed to fool the Bass at least
"You don't mean this, do you?" she said as she fished Eva's mp3 player out of her back pocket. Eva's mp3 sense went off, and she poked her head out of the cabin door with an ecstatic grin on her face
"I was wondering who this belonged to" Heather lied "I found it by the campfire pit, you must have dropped it."
Eva ran over to the mp3 player with her arms outstretched like it was her lover in a cheesy romance movie, and quickly began caressing it while showering Heather in "thank you"s.
Heather simply uttered "Sure thing" and sauntered off, hiding her smirk from her enemies.
Confession Cam – ZZZZZ
Heather: "Turn a team against their own members," she explains smugly, "Easiest trick in the book"
"So," Eva said to her team with a guilty expression on her face "Sorry about that little... misunderstanding"
She was met by angry glares from most of her teammates, and angry glare and an angry spit of dirt from Tyler, and a vaguely disgruntled snore from Shannon in the pile of detritus.
"Guess no-one stole it after all" she said, rubbing the back of her head nervously. The glares continued, the awkward silence broken only by Ezekiel taking this as his opportunity to make a break for the cabin, slamming the door behind him.
The Campfire Pit again, 3 and a half hours later
Although the layout of the campfire pit had been burned into their brains from how long they'd stayed there these past few days, the Killer Bass found themselves on those uncomfortable log stump seats again, this time, for the purpose of the marshmallow ceremony.
The Bass were all assembled, and at last Chris walked in, finally seeming to notice the large log sticking out of the ground like an uncarved totem pole. He gave it a brief glance, before shrugging and turning to the campers.
"You've all cast your votes and made your decision" he said, placing the tray of marshmallows on the empty stump where Sadie once sat "There are only ten marshmallows on this plate. When I call your name, come up and claim your marshmallow"
Fast-forwarding through his long-winded and entirely unnecessary explanation, everyone present having been here before, we come to the announcements.
"The first marshmallow goes to Duncan" Duncan shrugged slightly, and went to grab his marshmallow.
"Bridgette"
"Courtney" excited to not be in the bottom two, she practically dashed up to the tray and held her marshmallow with the reverence one might hold a newborn child
"Harold"
"Ezekiel"
"Izzy"
"Shannon"
"Geoff"
"DJ"
"Campers!" Chris announced "this is the final marshmallow of the evening" both Eva and Tyler looked nervously at the fluffy white beacon of safety, while Chris began his obligatory 2-minute long dramatic pause
Confession Cam – Well, this voting is a right sight more interesting than politics
Duncan: "Eva"
Courtney: "Eva"
Bridgette: "Eva"
DJ: "Eva"
Ezekiel: "Eva"
Harold: "Eva"
Geoff: "Eva"
Izzy: "Eva"
Eva: "Uhhh," she scratches her arm nervously "Tyler?"
"Tyler!" Chris eventually announced. Tyler let out a sigh of relief, and quickly walked up to get his marshmallow. He took a quick look at Eva sat by the tray, and decided a hasty exist was in order, which he promptly made
"Eva" Chris said, a total lack of sympathy evident in his voice "The Dock of Shame awaits"
She stood up, her nerves finally gone now the game was over, and she turned angrily to her team
"Nice, really nice." She threw her arms up in the air in frustration "Who needs this stupid TV show anyway?!"
And with that, she stomped off, kicking Chris in the leg as she passed
Confession Cam – Gee, what a surprise
Shannon: "Now, I ken thes' seem like th' perfec' taim tae get shot a' th' Bridge Troll, but I'm paranoid she's gointae find oot I did this an' break my kneecaps" she sits quietly in thoght for a moment "So, uh, eeny meeny miney Sportacus"
As Eva stomped towards the dock of shame, she was waved off by her teammates.
"Bye-bye, Eva" yelled Courtney, the only distinct voice in the faint murmur.
Eva was evidently not in the mood for farewells, as her response was to pick up a stick and angrily hurl it like a javelin at Courtney. Courtney ducked, and the impromptu projectile instead snagged the shoulder of Tyler's jersey and impaled him to the big sticky-up log (we're working on the name)
On the Boat of Losers, Eva was finally calm enough to give one last word to whoever may lsiten
"I guess I let my temper get the better of me... again" She huffed, her arms folded. "But whatever. They just lost their fiercest competitor, I hope they realised that"
And with those words said, the Boat of Losers sailed away, silhouetted by the moon as it made its way to waters unknown
You know I'm starting to think I write maybe a bit too much for these things. Sure, this one turned out noticeably shorter than prior chapters, but that's because I frontloaded this challenge and kinda ran out of ideas for my own things, hence this one being largely the same as canon. But oh well, you can't change what's written. Well technically you can, but that's not the point
Speaking of changing what's written, you may have noticed that the OG first chapter, the contestant profiles, is gone, reduced to atoms. The reasoning is simple, it feels unnecessary, and a bit self-congratulatory. Hopefully this doesn't break the reviews. If it does, then, uh, PM me them I guess. I probably won't reply, because replying to messages on the internet makes my social anxiety flare up, but I'll definitely read them.
Up next it's the first chapter I've really been looking fowards to writing, although that's partially because I can call watching Dodgeball The Movie research.
See you all hopefully sooner than almost four months, follow for more if you like this kind of nonsense, leave a favourite if you're especially deranged and really like this, and if you read any of this please leave a review, even if you just say something like "ok ok so two bears were walking to the club with a clown performing and one says does this smell funny to you"