Chapter 1 If You Want It Badly Enough
Shang was roused from his chosen sleeping place on the opposite side of the fire from the other man, puzzled as to what had woken him until he realized that Shan Yu was groaning with pain even in his unconsciousness.
Shang got up reluctantly to toss more fuel on the low fire and quickly pull on his undershirt and pants before crossing to the Hun's side to kneel near him.
He hesitantly reached out, placing his right palm on Shan Yu's wide forehead, concern filling him as he realized that the large man was burning up with a fever.
He stood up again as quickly as his own pain and stiffness would allow him, reluctantly stepping just outside the warm cave. He shivered in the fierce mountain wind as he gathered snow within a small, clay bowl that had also been among Shan Yu's belongings.
Shang returned to the cave, finding a soft cloth and beginning to bath Shan Yu's face with the cold, already melting snow.
He continued down from there to his neck, then his broad, bare and hairy chest, knowing that he needed to cool him down if he were to have any chance of survival.
Shang went down to his stomach with the damp cloth, but no further, making sure that the blanket kept him covered from the waist down, then returned to his dark haired chest.
The fluid, soothing motion of his hand stilled for only a brief moment when he realized that the Hun's dark eyes were open and watching him as he placed the cloth back in the bowl of still cool water.
"It took you a while to wake up," Shang said to him softly, cautiously. "How are you feeling?"
The Hun remained silent, but his dark eyes never left Shang's face.
"That was a foolish question, I suppose. I mean, you have a broken leg and arm. Wait here. I will get more snow and return quickly."
Shang could feel those dark eyes, intense on his back until he left the cave, but he did not allow his unease to show, fetching more cold snow before returning to kneel at his side once more.
He gave Shan Yu a small drink, not wanting him to shock his system, holding the bowl to the Hun's lips for a few moments. Then Shang began his work again, removing the fever-sweat from Shan Yu's body and cooling him down still further, pausing briefly when the Hun finally spoke.
"Why are you helping me?" Shan Yu grunted somewhat rudely.
"Why?" Shang replied softly, cautiously meeting his eyes once more. "Did you want me to leave you to die? I know that we are technically enemies, but I could never have done that, Shan Yu. You are alive, and as long as you stay that way you have a chance to change your ways. Perhaps settle down with a wife. Raise little Huns."
Shang was startled, his eyes widening with his surprise when the large man actually tossed his head back and roared with laughter for a few minutes in response to his words.
"Ha, ha, ha! You have spirit, Chinaman, I will give you that. But no woman will ever share my bed furs, and no little Huns will run through my home's halls."
"Why not?" he inquired, his expression curious as he looked down at his face while continuing his care with the cool cloth. "Do you not desire companionship? Someone to spend your life with?"
"Hmm," Shan Yu hummed for a moment before asking him, "What is your name, Chinaman?"
"Shang."
"And do you desire companionship? Someone to spend your life with? Children?"
"Yes. I want all of those things," Shang confessed, finally setting the cloth and bowl aside with a suddenly downcast expression. "But the children are not likely, much as I want them. Because I.."
"Yes?" Shan Yu prompted, his dark eyes probing as he gazed at him steadily.
"I do not respond to women in the way that would be required to result in children. I have tried, but it is useless. My family believes me incapable of engaging in that way at all."
"So you respond to men?"
"I do not know. But I believe I would. I have never attempted it for fear of shaming my family."
"There is only shame in it if you give yourself that shame. I choose men as well to lay with. My family is aware that our line will likely end with me."
"And they accept it?"
"Yes, they accept it," Shan Yu replied, actually smiling in amusement at Shang's gasped inquiry. "The Huns are not like you Chinamen when it comes to bloodlines. Perhaps if I was part of a Chieftain's line there would be some issue, but I am not. They just want me to be happy with my life."
"You are lucky, then. My family would surely disown me were it to be known. I wish.." Shang began, then trailed off somewhat dejectedly as his eyes finally left Shan Yu's face.
"Yes?"
"I wish that I were free to love as you do. To love who I choose, not who my family would choose for me. To be happy in my life."
"No one can stop you, Shang," Shan Yu replied to his words seriously.
"You are right, in a way. But I could never keep it secret if I chose that path, and to hurt my family in that manner.."
"So you would rather hurt yourself?"
"No, of course not, but.."
"Shang. Only you can change your fate. If you want it badly enough."