The day was so beautiful, the sky crystal clear, the wind blew with such gentleness. The leaves seem greener than before, the temperature was just right, the birds sung their joyful spirits. Laughter and joy filled the village. Everyone was in a good mood it seem. Greeting others with smiles and hugs. Waving, meeting up to hangout. Just a perfect day. Despite the the foreseen approaching of a war. The village was in some pretty good high spirits. No a single cloud in the sky. A day like was this was perfect, a perfect day to smile and enjoy with love ones. Something you couldn't wait to do today, as you stared out your window scared and nervous, sitting on your bed in the hospital. You whole body was stiff, you weren't sure if you wanted to do this or not? Or if you could? Sure you wanted nothing more to be with everyone today, they told you they would help you with this.
The day you dreaded, and wished it didn't come. You weren't ready for something like this. It was coming to fast, way to fast, starting to hyperventilate just a bit. Your grip tightens on your dark clothes, doubts and fear began to flood your mind. Your head started to spin and you felt yourself becoming light headed. Was this the right thing to do? Could you even face it? After all...you caused it? Well, a different part of you, still it was you. You never meant for this to happen, not at all. Ashamed and disgusted. You wanted to run right now, to fly away, it would be easy really. Well, minus the strain it would cause on your body. What would you say? Could they even hear you? Why was this happening? Why did it have to happen? Why couldn't you have more time to become ready with this? You hadn't been taught how to handle something like this? Was it wrong you couldn't cry because of your...
Feeling your heart starting to beat rapidly, you where sure it skipped a beat or something. Why did everything seem to become smaller? Breathing was becoming harder than ever. Why where you forgetting how to blink? How to think? Your mouth was no dry, no words seem to be able to form. Was this actually fear gripping you? You couldn't tell? One thing, you didn't like and wished to cry out for some sort of help. For April. For Master Splinter. For anyone. Your father. Screaming their names in your mind, it sounded more like a shriek, your mind started to rattle. Your body seem to start sawing on it's own, where you having another one of your episodes? No, this was called a panic attack. Yes it had to be one, because you started to panic. If you could sweat you would no doubt have drenched your bed.
Oh God! You couldn't do this, you just couldn't. You wanted to call it off, now! Maybe it wasn't too late, maybe...
Someone brings you into a secure hold, scoops you up from your bed in their arms. You bury your face in their chest, desperately afraid and terrified. Shutting your eyes so tight, no light could get in. The one hold you, let you cling to them for comfort. They didn't care if your nails dug into their skin, what they felt was nothing compared what you where going through right now. Like a child. In their arms you where so small, they hated to see you so afraid and meek. A side everyone was starting to see of you. The girl who normally smiled and easily excited about anything and everything. There to offer a hand and assistance, interested in others than themselves. Who made others feel better about themselves, a strong heart, now reduced to someone cowering and scared. Their hearts weep for them, while they had years to learn and actually do it. You didn't. Again, life just rushed. There wasn't much they could tell you or try to prepare you for.. Feeling their words where futile. There where no baby steps, no book Sai read could seem to help, he had tired.
The pumping of your heart was all you heard and nothing else. You just focused on its rising sound, over and over again. You could hear your blood being pushed through the valves. A heartbeat was to be smooth and soothing. Not chaotic and frantic. Not hard. Or sharp. Not even painful. But it was all of that and more. No words could even began to describe it. All you knew was you wanted it to stop, badly. But the pain was there, and wouldn't go away.
So you force the pain to stop, thinking of the memories. Memories that made you smile and ease just a bit. But it wasn't enough, you had to come back to reality. So you open your eyes, and look straight ahead reading with your own eyes the names etched on the tombstone.
Hamato Yoshi. April O'Neil. Kai of Sunakagure.
The sight of their names stung hard. Gripping your heart, reality hurt so much. So very much. The pain was so unbearable, this just had to be a joke. Yeah, that's what it was, nothing more than a joke. It wasn't real, this was all nothing but a dream, a horrible dream. You would soon wake up from and find yourself home with your family and friends. Yeah. Closing your eyes, you vision it. Yeah, it was Saturday morning, you woke up before your family to make them breakfast or maybe it was morning weekday. And you where getting ready for school, leaving with April who always waited for you. Saying bye to your father, kissing your two fingers as he did his own and touch the tips together. Then go meet up with the guys later that day. Seeing their smiling faces. Or back in Sunakagure, Kai greeting you like always. The two of you going over things. The man teaching you new things, the way he smiled at you. Scolded you if became too lost in thought. Praising you. Sharing a laugh as you talked about crazy things. Being there, always.
Yep, that was it. Visoning it harder now, your eyes tighten more as you began to struggle with more images. More happier images, that flutter in and out with horrible ones. You became furious now. At yourself. At them. Wishing they hadn't come to this place. To this place you felt to alone in. Cursing yourself for not being wise enough, if only you had stopped with your practice, like April said. None of this would have happen. They would still be here. You where so selfish to not listen to her. Hating yourself for what you did. If Kai hadn't fallen for such a stupid trick. If he hadn't come after you, than none of this would have happen. He would still be here. God! He was so stupid. All of them where!
Yet, if you could trade something to reverse it all. You would. Wishing and praying hard to this world's universe you would no longer be selfish, to just bring them back. Bring the only family Kaito had. Gave you the strength to have found Master Splinter and April sooner. You would be a good girl. Never to disobey again. Stay back in the village. Stay home and not practice your magic. Maybe that would work. That was good deal, right? Yeah. It had to work. Maybe if you gave them your powers or promised not to act differently. Heck even try to learn how to use chakra like everyone else. They would come back. Yeah, they would.
The thought made you so happy, opening your eyes in hoping to see them standing right there in front of you. Because you promised. To be heartbroken. They weren't there. It was nothing but their names on the cold stone. Sticking out of the ground. This wasn't what you wanted, to look down at them. It was to be the other way around. They needed to be up here, with you. They couldn't leave you like this. You didn't mean for any of this to happen. None of it. If...If only...Damn it! Why can't you shed at least one tear for them. To show you missed them so much. How lost you felt without their presence. Didn't they know? Know how much you cared for them? Why did they have to leave you? Shutting your eyes again, trying to produce, struggling to make something come from your eyes. Straining yourself, telling yourself to cry. Cry something. But nothing came. Disgusted with yourself now. You shouldn't be here. Disgracing them for not showing any sort of emotion. The one most needed in times like this.
Just why? Why? If you hadn't done such a stupid move, than they would be here. With you. It was your fault. All of it. All of this. The weight of guilt began to crush you. It made sense now, why Gaara left you. You had too much guilt to carry, he had a whole village to care for. Temari had her job to do as did Kankruo and the others. They couldn't handle of this. Nothing but a burden, nothing but a mishap. That's all you where. And because you are, this was what happened. Bringing all this down upon the ones you cared for more than anything. April, the one who greeted you with a smile and loved you despite of what you where. Treated you like, you. Help you adjust to life. Became your family. Master Splinter, taught you about life. Taught you to better yourself. Told you, you where different and that was good. Saw you, as yourself. Calling you Hime. Hugged you all the time. Watched you grow and flourish, with pride in his eyes. Kai, the first friendly person who welcomed you to the village. Saw to you, cared for you. He too saw you as yourself. Treated you with kindness and love. Guided you as well. Made you feel normal. Shed tears. Grateful. Stood up for you. Helped you settle into this new world.
Would no longer be with you, the was still there, then why did you feel empty and numb? And so much more? Sitting in your wheelchair, dressed in black attire, as it was what one wore to a funeral. The only color you had, your golden flower broach. The only source of light you had right now. Your head never went so low. Your eyes just stared somberly at their names, everything around you just faded out. Everything became cold and meaningless. Pointless. The flowers you held began to suffocate from your tight grasp. You didn't want to lay them down. Because once you did, than..that was that. You didn't want to come to terms with this. This was all your fault. Even though everyone around you told you it wasn't. You just couldn't shake this guilt. Such beautiful flowers you had for them, Ino helped pick them out. She gave to you this morning, when you where brought out to meet with everyone. Who too were dressed in black out, Tsunade, Kakashi, Guy, Yamato, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Tenten, Lee, Neji, Kiba, Akumar, Shino, Shizune, Kuernai and her daughter, Konohamaru and his team, Natsuki who stood by Hinata, Shikamaru, Sai, Choji, Shikamaru's family, Inoijin, your nurse helpers, another man name Iruka. Someone who Naruto greatly admired, he had brought the man to visit you after Naruto let you "cry" it out. This man, from what you remember Naruto telling you, was a big help and understood in sense what you where going through. He was very kind. Even Fukusaku and Shima came to pay their respects. The old female toad did her best to hold back her tears for you. But it didn't happen, her husband had to stay strong for her, putting his arm around her offering her comfort. Letting his wife weep. And she wasn't the only one, a few of the others weep for you, shedding the tears you couldn't. Watching helpless as you where forced to endure the stages of grief all at once. No time at all to understand them, no doubt confused you and frustrated you.
They stood there in silence, watching you struggle whether to place the flowers down. Afraid to do so, afraid to let go. It wrenched at their hearts, to watch their beloved friend say good-bye. To the ones they loved. The ones they didn't mean loose. To kill. Their hands no doubt tainted and stained with blood, as their innocents broke and shattered before their eyes. It was hard. Because that was what made them, special and unique. They became afraid they would loose those bright eyes that shined. That smile that turned night into day. That warm glow that just seem to emit from them, that joyous feeling of being around them. Their kindness and love that just overflowed. Was it all going to disappear now? Because their hearts started to mourn that lost.
You hands just didn't stop shaking. Shaking your head, no doubt still denying this was real. Hesitant to place the flowers down, no mount of willpower seem to work. It was either your mind or heart that prevented you from going through with it, or was it your programming? Was something malfunctioning? Did you need to be checked? What would Master Splinter, April or Kai do? If they where here? Realizing what you just thought, you look to their graves, horrified you couldn't ask. Gasping deeply, looking away unable to take it anymore. Refusing to look, wanting to leave you began to force yourself out of your chair, and trying to walk away. For it to end in vain, a few react trying to get you to stay in your chair. But you refused, becoming heretical now. Trying to fight them off, Hinata does her best to calm you down, with Ino and Lee. They tired to calm you down. But nothing seem to work. So someone steps in before Tsunade could, pulling you into a secure cling tightly.
Naruto holds onto you"..."No words spoken. No words needed. Slowly you started to calm down, he puts his hand on the one holding the flowers and begins to guide them towards the tombstones. He could feel your muscles began to resist. So someone else comes into help, Tsunade, then Kakashi, who places his hand on your shoulder, Hinata comes, Neji, then followed by the others. With their help, you put the flowers down. On each one. You wanted to look away but didn't, staring at their graves. Their names. Branding them in your mind. You kept your head up the best you could, but it drops accepting the fact. Accepting the realization of it all. It hurt still. In fact it hurt more. Your questions lingering in your mind, didn't go away. They stayed, opening your mouth you try to think of the words to say. To not have any. If only could just shed a tear. Whimpering was the close thing you could do. So you whimpered first in silence, then out loud.
You began to apologize quietly to yourself. For it to become vocal.
"I'm sorry!"you bawl on the top of your lungs."I am sorry! Master Splinter! Sister! Kai! Everyone! I'm so sorry!"Bringing your hands up covering your eyes, Tsunade who stood behind you. Brings you back, placing a hand on your head. To sympathize with your pain.
Now fully understand Splinter's words about you, she looks up at the sky. Thinking of mutant rat. She turns back to her pupil. Her amber eyes filled with sorrow and grief like the others for you. Watching you become torn apart. She wished to heal it, but no amount of medical skills or jutsu could heal this. All she could do was just watch. And let time take it's course.
"Here."Hinata hands you a cup of sweet tea with a warm smile. You look at the cup and liquid beverage, seeing yourself. Nothing but a haze look in your eyes, which changed just a bit into its normal ones. You smile at her taking it. Thanking her. She smiles back relived."You're welcome."
And takes seat next to you, on the bench. Outside in Hospital garden, where everyone came after the funeral. The staff had it set up for you. There where refreshments the set up for you and everyone. Provided by Choji's family. Everyone seem to be enjoying themselves, despite what happened 20 minutes ago. Everyone seem to be in live spirits. It was good to see. It felt good, despite the miserable way you felt. Watching everyone like this, made you think of your life back home. Choji stuffing his face. Ino rolling her eyes embarrassed. Lee and Guy talking about youth. Sakura getting on Naruto. It was just nice to see. The numbness you felt, began just a little bit to go away.
Your body felt so tired, but that was to be expected. After all, carrying something as emotional as this was taxing oneself.
"You know..."you speak. Hinata looks at you."This remind me...of a really fun time. I had with my friends back home."You manage to smile, even if it was a sad one."It so funny...Just thinking about such a memory...is that...is that okay?"you question unsure.
Which came as a shock to Hinata, but she understood. Being confused and uncertain if you should say something like this. If it was wrong. Seeing this side of you, made her understand you more and she rather liked it. She places a hand on your shoulder.
"Yes. It's okay."she assures you. You look at her searching her, to see she was being true.
A relief to yourself."That's good to hear...because...I thought it was a bad thing...Life...it is very much confusing to me. I..."you drop your head."I don't know if...I will ever get it right. All of you,"you look up at everyone."All of you have been blessed to live such a life. Being born naturally. To learn experiences as you grow...I was not blessed with such luck. Being born...in nothing but a tube. To be experimented on. Was all the life I have known. Before my family and friends found me. And yet...I still remained lost. More than anything. I feel I stood at the crossroads. Not sure who or what I was. When I came here, I felt the same way...Why is life...So confusing? Is my existence...a flaw? I want to be happy. And yet I am. I wish to go back home. To my world, is that selfish? I do not wish to be selfish. I do not wish to be bad. My logic seems absurd I am aware, forgive me. I wish I could have finished that day...with my friends. To go on such picnic. Which I wish I knew what it was for...I shall never know now."
"I can tell you."Naruto chimes in, ending your talk. Which surprised you, and shocked Hinata. Who flustered. He gets in your face. With a grin."You want to know what that day was for?"his grin turns into a warm smile. You look up at him, he looks down at you."It was a surprise."
"A surprise?"you seem a bit confused, the others turn to you with smiles on their faces. It was obvious they knew something you didn't, looking back to Naruto for him to explain.
He nods his head."Yeah. It was to surprise you, for your birthday."
You point to yourself confused and shocked."My birthday? But I do not have one. For I was never birthed. I was made."
"It's actually the same thing. If you think about it."Kuernai speaks up, coming over to you.
You still seem puzzled."But how can it be...?"your eyes drop uncertain."I was made with many...made is in which one is built or manufactured. If many of me was made, than that means I was manufactured. It does not seem like a birth."
"You're alive, aren't you?"Ino speaks up. You look at her. She smirks at you.
Lee was the next to speak."You care." Then came Hinata."You're very kind."
"You express yourself."Sakura smiles at you.
You look to her."Your breathing."Yamato tells you.
"You have a heart."Tsunade steps over to you. Placing her hand on your head."Which to me qualifies as life. Being alive."
Their words began to shed some light in your confusion. And Naruto added the icing on the cake."You asking so many questions, that have a simple answer."He gets down to your level."Despite how you came into this world. You're alive. In fact the most alive person I've meet, besides myself."he chuckles."Life isn't about being born the right way it-"
"Being able to do something with it. Not where you come from...Right?"you ask him."Right, Naruto?"
He nods his head."Yeah. And you May, you've proven so much. You came to this world. And adjusted yourself despite it all. Put yourself on the line for everyone, we're so sorry for what happened. Losing those you love. And that we didn't pay attention to how much you've been hurting. Yet, you managed to keep up a strong front. You still managed to keep smiling and laughing. To me, that's being alive. There might have been many other's of you, but you're the original."
Touched by his words, you look at your reflection."T-Thank you..."you softly say, lifting your head back up with a small smile. A actual real smile.
Naruto smiles back."Sure, anymore questions?"
You go quiet for a bit thinking about it."Actually...yes."you look up at him sheepishly."H-How...does a birthday...work?"
The others try not to laugh at your innocent question. Naruto thinks about it."Well...you have to pick a date...And well since we don't know back in your world what was the day. I guess...you could just pick one. Take your time though."
You nod your head."Okay."
He smiles at you."Good. Now then, I want to hear some more things about world. It sounds really interesting. And your Sensei is pretty cool, can I hear some things about him?"He takes a seat on the other side of you.
"Yeah and I want to hear about your sister."Ino tells."I want to see what I'm up against."
"And who is this Michelangelo you speak of?"Lee comes over to you."You have stated a few times I seem to mirror him at times."
"And how you can do more than look cute."Kakashi jokes."Who knew you like music and dancing."
"Not to mention you burning spirit of YOUTH!"Guy laughs.
"How did you manage to become so well trained?"Sakura inquires, they all started to come over.
"Why did you try to eat a pillow, too?"Tenten laughs.
You didn't know what it was, but you felt something inside you seeing everyone wanting to know about all this. If you could blush you would, instead you look at everyone a bit shy, but smile. You think about what to say."Well...I lived with my father and sister..."you start.
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