for n's request of 5 times arizona let callie be happy without her and 1 time she doesn't (or callie doesn't let her)
happier
and i thought my heart was detached
xx
Arizona wasn't even sure what she was doing there.
Scratch that, she wasn't even sure what she was doing anywhere at any time at this point.
All she knew was that it felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and she couldn't breathe and she was miserable and it hurt to get out of bed in the morning.
But she was fine. She would smile and pretend she didn't want to cry all the time. She wouldn't burden anyone else with the way her heart ached and tears sprung far too easily to her eyes. The last thing she wanted was for someone to notice she wasn't okay.
And that was fine.
Because she was the one who made the decision to break up with Callie. She was the one who walked away. She was the one who was broken and didn't want kids and couldn't bend for Callie.
Except she had bent so much for Callie, or at least she felt like she had. And Arizona knew sometimes, she struggled to see the other side, to understand where other people were coming from. Because it was so easy to sink into her own head, so easy to try and exist in her own happy bubble.
But then Callie wanted kids and she wanted more than Arizona could give her. And some cute girl gave Callie her number and Arizona knew she had to let her go. She couldn't be selfish, she couldn't cling to Callie and hope things would be okay.
Arizona let her go and smiled and promised they'd be okay, that they'd see each other at work.
But as it turned out, seeing Callie at work was, well, it was awful.
The hurt and anger and heartbreak never seemed to fully leave Callie's eyes, and some horrible, selfish part of Arizona couldn't help but seek it out every time she saw Callie because at least she still cared enough to hate Arizona. At least she still felt something towards Arizona.
Watching Callie from a distance as she joked around with Mark and lectured residents and smiled at her patients and just existed didn't even begin to compare to actually being in her orbit. Every morning, Arizona promised herself she'd stop watching Callie, she'd stop seeking her out, she'd stop letting herself be pulled in.
And every day, Arizona lied to herself.
That had become a key theme of her life, lying to herself that is.
She lied to herself that she could get over Callie. She lied to herself that she was okay. She lied to herself that she had tried every last option before breaking up with Callie. She lied to herself that she had done the right thing.
And how could it be the right thing when she felt this awful?
Or maybe that was proof it was the right thing. Wasn't there something to be said for suffering and putting yourself through pain for the person you loved? Maybe so, but Arizona was desperately tired of hurting.
She hated the ache in her chest and missed the bubble of warmth she used to always get when Callie smiled at her. She hated the way her nightmares had come back in full force and missed Callie's calm, reassuring presence.
She hated the way she still loved Callie and she desperately, horribly, selfishly missed the way Callie had loved her.
If seeing Callie at work was painful, seeing her out of work was somehow worse.
She had managed to avoid it until this very moment, which, considering it had barely been a week since Arizona walked out of Callie's apartment, wasn't exactly a feat. All Arizona had to do was stay out of First Hill as much as possible, retreating back to Belltown and forcing herself to wander up towards Queen Anne, instead of down towards Pike's.
Her apartment, in comparison to Callie's, felt cold and empty, despite the lighter colours and occasional days of spring sunshine.
It had been on that first day without Callie, during which Arizona had cowardly called in sick to work, that she had come to the startling realisation Callie's apartment had been the closest thing to a home she'd had in years.
Curled on her side, back purposefully turned to the sunshine, Arizona sobbed into her pillow, mourning the loss of everything that could've been. Because like always, Arizona destroyed things and fucked up and acted out of fear and selfishness and lingering grief. Part of her wished she could've held onto any thread of anger towards Callie; it'd be easier to deal with her own heartbreak at least then. But no, that'd be too generous for Arizona.
Instead, she remained wholly and completely in love with Calliope Torres.
Which was why watching Callie across the bar as she laughed with Mark and Mark nodded towards someone, a telling look in his eye, felt akin to torture.
And really, she wasn't sure why she was putting herself through this. She had come to the bar with some misguided notion she could try and make some weak attempt to move on from Callie. It used to work for her. She used to be able to just flit from girl to girl, never letting herself linger long enough to form any actual meaningful connections. But Callie seemingly broke her, leaving her unable to move on.
And Arizona knew she was being dramatic and ridiculous and whatever else. Because it had been a week and they had been in love and they thought they were forever but Arizona was broken and Callie deserved more and Arizona let her go and Callie wasn't someone you just got over.
Callie was magical and wonderful and everything Arizona had ever dreamed of until she wasn't and they wanted different things.
How was she meant to move on from Callie?
Evidently, sitting in a dark corner of a dive bar, sipping at a shitty beer, while she watched Mark try to wingman for Callie, wasn't exactly a winning plan.
And Arizona was positive that's what they were doing. Because Mark was predictable and Callie was wearing the jeans she wore when she wanted to look hot and confident. (Which if you asked Arizona was always, but that was neither here nor there.)
She reasoned at least Mark and Callie weren't sleeping together in their heartbreak. Familiar nausea surfaced and Arizona sipped at her beer in a poor attempt to remedy it.
Or rather, she didn't think they were sleeping together.
Mark was single and heartbroken and whatever other tender, fucking annoying emotions he claimed to have after losing Lexie and his grandson. Even weeks later, he still blustered around the hospital about how Lexie cheated (while he had cheated on her, Arizona added.) And Callie was oh so sympathetic to Mark's plight and Arizona couldn't help but resent her a bit.
Because Callie expended so much energy understanding Mark and whatever else, but when it came to understanding why Arizona was absolutely terrified to have children, Callie's only attempt at empathy had been tossing her brother's death in her face.
And Callie just did not get it.
She didn't understand how losing Tim had meant Arizona lost a part of herself. She didn't understand how her parents had fallen to pieces and Arizona knew they'd never be the same. Because her mother worried more than ever and her father turned to drinking to help himself sleep at night. Because her father truly believed he had sent his own son to die and he'd never forgive himself for that, even though he was merely a cog in a machine that never stopped.
Arizona's fingers curled tighter around her bottle until her knuckles started to pale.
She hadn't told her parents yet. The last thing she wanted was to further stress her mother out. And she knew it'd stress her out. Without Tim around to shoulder at least part of their mother's worry, the burden fell squarely on Arizona's shoulders and more often than not, she found herself lying to her mother. It was just better that way.
The sound of Callie's laugh snapped her out of her thoughts.
She really should've gone to any other bar in the city. For God's sake, she lived across the street from at least three.
But no, Arizona just had to put herself through it.
Seriously, she should've just gone to freaking Ch-
"Hey there," a pretty blonde woman greeted, taking the seat across from Arizona, and really, if Arizona had been a bit drunker and just slightly more self-destructive in that moment, she'd have been thrilled.
But she could still see Callie and she was smiling and happier than Arizona had seen her in weeks, even when they were still together, and God, what was she thinking?
Callie hadn't noticed her yet, but it was only a matter of time and then Callie would be understandably upset and Arizona was so tired of upsetting and disappointing Callie.
"Not interested," Arizona said, her tone bordering on rude, and frankly, she didn't care.
Arizona finished off her beer, the glass hitting the table slightly too hard and too loudly. She needed to get out of here. She hated every part of this place now, especially the part where she had to watch Callie seemingly flirt with someone while Mark egged her on. Even the smell of spilled tequila and cheap beer reminded her of the first time she kissed Callie and now she knew she'd never kiss Callie again and that ached.
Unable to tear her gaze away from Callie and the smile that didn't quite seem to reach her eyes, Arizona blindly searched her pockets for the half crushed pack of cigarettes.
Cigarettes in hand, Arizona stood to her feet, blatantly ignoring the woman who had come to talk to her. She thought she had been ready to force herself to move on from Callie, but she was nowhere close to that point yet.
She wasn't even sure she'd ever reach that point if she was being honest with herself (which she very rarely was, if she was being honest, of course).
Forcing her gaze away from Callie, she hurried through the crowd, suddenly desperate for fresh air, away from the pressing, crushing atmosphere of the bar.
As soon as she reached the top of the stairs, Arizona fussed with her lighter, the spark inevitably struggling, because honestly, why wouldn't it? She pressed her shoulder blades into the freezing brick, letting the sharp cold ground her a bit. The unfortunately familiar taste of nicotine settled her perpetually frayed nerves as she exhaled, letting her eyes drift closed for a moment.
"Arizona?"
"Hm?" She turned towards the voice, even though any shred of self-preservation screamed at her not to.
"Are you… uh, you okay?" Callie asked, rocking on her heels as if she'd rather be anywhere else.
Cigarette dangling between her fingers, Arizona tried to offer Callie the brightest smile she could muster. "Super. Just headed out."
Callie's mouth twitched down into a frown, but she didn't challenge Arizona on anything. "Oh, okay. Um, text m-" Callie cut herself off, but Arizona knew what she was going to ask. It was the same thing she asked every time Arizona went back to her apartment late at night. "Have a good night," Callie paused and all Arizona wanted to do was confess she still loved her, that she had made a mistake, that she was sorry.
Instead, she settled for, "You too."
She forced herself to turn away from Callie, even though every part of her screamed to turn around, to run back to Callie, to beg for forgiveness.
Callie deserved to be happy and Arizona was absolutely positive that wasn't with her.
xx
from all the sunlight of our past
xx
Every part of her body positively ached. Ever since she had returned from Africa, she had been working longer shifts than she had since she was in residency. Stark, evidently threatened by her presence, continuously pushed surgeries and cases and work to Arizona. And on top of that, the residents kept paging her because Stark wouldn't acknowledge them unless forced to. Add in a pregnant and hormonal girlfriend who had cravings at the worst times, and Arizona was fried.
She collapsed on their bed face first, curling into the soft sheets that smelled like the laundry detergent Callie always bought and Callie's perfume.
Alex promised to respond to any pages and only call her if it was a massive emergency of epic proportions.
All Arizona wanted, and she was almost positive in some way it was selfish, was sleep. Preferably with Callie there, but honestly, Arizona couldn't even remember the last time she and Callie had fallen asleep together or/and woken up together. She wasn't sure how much of it was a matter of their schedules not matching up versus Callie actively avoiding her.
They were fine. They were happy. They were existing together, that was probably the best word for it. They were together, but they rarely spent time alone together and Arizona, for her part, felt like she was always walking on eggshells, terrified she'd say the wrong thing and Callie would change her mind and Arizona would lose everything.
Arizona rolled onto her back, folding her hands over her ribcage.
She had to stop thinking like that. Callie loved her. She loved Callie. The rest of it didn't matter.
They were having a baby and Arizona already loved their baby so much she almost couldn't believe it.
And then there was Mark. And Arizona was trying. She was genuinely trying because she knew Mark would never not be involved (no matter how much she wished he wouldn't be) and that was his right and he was Callie's best friend and it was fine that he had no boundaries.
Arizona would put up with Mark Sloan every day for the rest of her life if need be to be with Callie. She'd put up with his casual misogyny and the leering and the general unfortunate behaviour because Callie asked her to and Arizona was genuinely terrible at saying no to Callie.
Arizona scrubbed a hand over her face, even that motion draining her of energy.
She managed to drag herself out of bed in an effort to change into pyjamas, only making it as far as a college shirt of Callie's and the first pair of shorts she could find. She knew she should wash her face but that seemed like pushing it.
She glanced towards the clock and God, it was barely even 5. But in her defence, she had been awake since approximately 2 in the morning when Callie had woken her up, begging for chicken pot pie and strawberry ice cream. And like a good girlfriend, Arizona had driven around in the middle of the night until she found each item at two separate gas stations. And then Callie had fallen back asleep before the pot pie was even fully cooked, and at that point, there wasn't much point in Arizona going back to sleep anyway.
Arizona stumbled back towards the bed, unconsciously falling onto Callie's side and curling around her pillow.
She wasn't even aware of her eyes shutting or falling asleep or anything of the like until she heard loud voices and footsteps. Arizona sat straight up, instantly aware of her hair sticking up in strange directions and the imprint of the pillow on her face.
"Calliope?" She called out, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. She wandered out into the living room, rubbing at her eyes. "Oh, and Mark," she tried to keep any irritation out of her voice, but based on the brief narrowing of Callie's eyes, she didn't exactly succeed.
"Were you asleep, Robbins? You look like a racoon," Mark chuckled, leaning against the counter as he drank one of her beers.
"Mark," Callie snapped. "Do you feel okay?" She asked, pressing the back of her hand to Arizona's forehead as Arizona leaned into her side.
"'m just tired."
Guilt flashed across Callie's features and Arizona felt awful.
"Sorry," Callie all but whispered, pulling her into a half-hug, "at least now we have pot pie for next time."
Arizona just hummed in response, letting herself soak in Callie's warmth for a moment.
"What're you two whispering about? We agreed no secrets."
Arizona's shoulders curled up defensively as she turned her gaze to Mark. "Oh sorry, Mark, are we supposed to include you in every private discussion we have? I didn't get the memo you were in this relationship too. That's news to me," even to her own ears, she knew she was being overly harsh, or at least, she knew that's what Callie would say, especially after Mark inevitably pouted about it.
"If it's about the baby, then yes," Mark snapped back, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm the father and I get to be involved in decisions and all discussions."
Arizona raised her palms in placation. "It wasn't about the baby. Calm down, Mark."
"Arizona," Callie whispered, "are you sure you're feeling okay?"
"Yeah, promise. I'm just tired."
Callie's brow creased in concern and she opened her mouth, but was cut off by Mark loudly clapping his hands together. "Ready to go, Cal?"
"Go where?" Arizona asked, unable to fully keep the pout out of her voice.
"Bellevue," replied Mark, "gotta find stuff for the nurseries."
"Oh."
"Mark, just for yours. We'll do our own a different day," Callie corrected, but Arizona couldn't help but feel like it was a moment too late. "Do you wanna come with?"
Arizona pushed away from Callie slightly, creating a bit of space between them. "Um, no, I'm good. I should probably catch up on sleep."
"I can stay," Callie offered, "if you want."
"We going or what?" Mark cut in.
Arizona forced on a smile, shaking her head. "No, no, go have fun with Mark. Don't let him do anything crazy in his nursery."
Callie smiled back, hers noticeably more genuine. "I'll keep an eye out for anything we might want for ours." Callie tugged Arizona back towards her for a quick kiss. "We were going to grab dinner while we're over in Bellevue, do you want me to bring you something?"
"Sure, you know what I like. Wake me up when you get home?" Arizona asked and she hated how insecure she sounded.
Callie leaned in for another kiss. "Of course. Sweet dreams."
"Happy nursery shopping."
As the door clicked shut behind them, Arizona could do little to fight off the impending dread of eighteen-plus years with Mark. But all she could do was just deal with it. Mark was Callie's best friend. Mark was the baby's father. Arizona's pointless arguing with Mark did absolutely nothing beyond upsetting Callie and that was the last thing Arizona wanted to do ever.
xx
i'm selfish, i know, i can't let you go
xx
If she was a better person, she'd let Callie go. She wouldn't trap her with a crippled wife who swung from tears to anger to just nothingness in the space of five minutes. She wouldn't burden her with a wife who'd never be whole again, who'd never be the woman she fell in love with, married. She'd let her go and fade into memory for Callie and maybe then Callie could remember Arizona as she had been instead of the empty shell of herself she was now.
Arizona missed Callie's smile and she wanted to tell her that. But instead what came out was vitriol and she hated herself a bit more each time. And each time it felt like they edged towards the point of no return.
Part of Arizona wondered if she pushed Callie far enough, if she'd finally snap and leave and take Sofia and let Arizona be awful on her own. And that same part of her almost hoped for it because it was what she deserved.
She never had deserved Callie, but now she really didn't deserve her.
Callie was trying so hard and Arizona couldn't try.
She didn't know how to.
Because a plane fell out of the sky and nothing would ever be the same for her.
For everyone else, things had gone back to normal, their lives continued on and they could move on. But Arizona was stuck, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. She had a new normal and she fucking hated it and she had so much anger and pain and she didn't know what to do with it.
Callie was getting frustrated with her, she knew that much, and really, she didn't blame her. It was honestly a miracle Callie didn't hate her yet; maybe Arizona hated herself enough for the both of them.
Arizona had been stuck in this stupid bed, this stupid wheelchair, this stupid life for weeks, months now and she hated it. She hated every part of it.
She'd give anything to go back and tell herself to let Alex be dumb and a crapdog. Tell herself to kiss her wife one more time. Tell herself to hold her daughter and tell her how much she loved her.
That had been a lifetime ago and she knew things would never be the same. She knew she couldn't go back and get that life back. This was her life now. Full of physical therapy and prosthetics and wheelchairs and grief and pain and Callie's sad eyes.
Arizona could hear her wife and daughter outside in the living room, and she wished she could push through this pain and grief and anger to join them. A few months ago and it wouldn't have even been a question. A few months ago and Arizona would've spent practically every waking moment with her family.
Now though, Arizona just rolled onto her side, her back to the door and tried to block out the noise.
And how awful was that, that she thought of her family, the two people she loved most in the world as noise.
Arizona wrapped an arm around herself in a poor attempt to hold herself together.
She missed Callie holding her. She missed how Callie would talk her through her nightmares and let her listen to her heartbeat and ground her. She missed sharing a space, a life with her wife.
But somehow, she was fully incapable of expressing that to Callie. Somehow, every time she interacted with Callie all she could remember was Callie promising to save her leg, promising to save her life, and now Arizona had no leg and had no life, and somehow Callie had been detached enough to cut off her fucking leg.
And just like that, anger sparked again in Arizona's chest.
Because Callie lied. Because Callie didn't try. Because Callie could save everyone but her. Because Callie was supposed to be a god and when Arizona needed her, the one time Arizona really needed her, Callie let her down.
Angry tears spilled down Arizona's cheeks, catching in her hair and the pillow. She pressed a hand to her chest as if that would alleviate the pressure building there.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fucking fair.
They were happy. They had finally been happy.
And then everything fell to pieces and things could never go back.
Some days, she almost thought she might hate her wife. And that just made Arizona hate herself more.
Arizona swallowed back a sob, unwilling to let Callie hear her. She was so goddamn tired of Callie's pitying looks and the way she hesitated and the words of reassurance as if Arizona could somehow become the person she had been before she lost everything. She just couldn't handle it.
Sofia's high pitched giggle floated in and that had been one of her favorite sounds at one point. But now, now it almost felt like a mockery. A mockery of everything Arizona could've had, could've been.
Arizona bit down on her fist before any sound could escape, curling further in on herself before she felt an uncomfortable twinge in the space where her leg should've been.
It was as if the life she was supposed to have existed outside this room, outside of Arizona's grasp.
She almost wished she could hate Callie. Or that Callie could hate her, well, she might already for all Arizona knew. But it'd be easier if they could hate each other and this could end. This could end and Callie could go be happy and Arizona could stay stuck and be miserable.
That was the only outcome, really.
At her core, Arizona knew she'd never be happy without Callie. She'd tried it before and it'd be painful and awful and she'd hated every second of it. The only solace had been knowing Callie would be happier without her.
Maybe Callie would finally snap and decide she was tired of Arizona and how pathetic she had become and she'd just pack up and leave.
Arizona could picture it now, one day emerging from the bedroom to find any traces of Callie and Sofia scrubbed from the apartment. They could go and be happy without the ghost of who Arizona used to be lingering.
Callie could tell stories about the woman she fell in love with and Sofia would only have that fairytale version of Arizona in her memories. Sofia wouldn't have to remember how one day her mama stopped holding her and rocking her back to sleep and playing dress up with her.
Or maybe Callie wouldn't even tell Sofia about her. Maybe Callie could just have a clean break from Arizona. She could leave her and pretend they had never been married, never been together, never been wholly, incandescently in love. Maybe it'd be better that way. Better for Callie and Sofia to leave her behind and find happiness elsewhere.
Bile rose in her throat as tears spilled more freely down her cheeks.
Every so often, she found herself almost wishing she had died on that mountain, only to be immediately horrified with herself, because what the fuck was wrong with her.
How could she think like that when so many people didn't get to live? How could she be so selfish?
When Tim died alone and afraid and in pain on the other side of the world, never to come home and marry Casey and be happy and in love.
When Nick died on a beach away from everyone he ever knew because Arizona had been a wreck and a disaster and a burden.
When Mark died in front of Callie and he'd never get to see Sofia grow up and be wonderful and brilliant.
Arizona let out a shuddering breath.
She didn't want to die.
She had never wanted to die.
Dying terrified her.
But this existence, this broken, angry, lonely existence also terrified her and she wasn't sure how to fix it. For every half step forward, it was another half mile backwards.
Arizona wanted her wife back. She wanted to be able to let Callie touch her and hold her and look her in the eye without anger and grief dominating her every thought. She wanted to let Callie love her and not believe it was just out of pity or obligation.
The bedroom door creaked a bit and Arizona didn't have to turn over to know Callie was standing in the doorway, unable to decide if she was in or out, if she was in the mood to deal with Arizona or not.
Arizona didn't bother so much as moving to acknowledge Callie. There wasn't much point, was there? They both already knew how this interaction would go.
"Arizona, uh, Sof and I are just making dinner. Are you hungry?" The hesitance in Callie's voice broke her heart. But it also pissed her off because Callie kept handling her with kid gloves and treating her like a patient instead of her wife.
Arizona did her best to keep her breathing even and slow, squeezing her eyes shut. She'd just let Callie think she was asleep, spare her the drama of yet another loaded conversation, yet another moment for Arizona to let her wife down. There wasn't any point to burdening Callie with that.
"Arizona, sweetheart?" Callie ventured, her voice soft as she crept into the room. "Are you asleep?"
Arizona could feel Callie's presence somewhere in front of her, but she just bit down on the inside of cheek in an effort to stay still.
Callie brushed her fingers gently through Arizona's hair, her fingers catching on a few tangles which she undid. Arizona wished it wasn't as comforting as it was, but she missed Callie so much, even if she was wholly incapable of expressing that. Callie leaned down to press a kiss to Arizona's forehead, murmuring, "I love you. Sleep well," against her temple.
Arizona nearly opened her eyes, nearly repeated the words back to her wife. But something stopped her.
Callie deserved a night without loaded words and near arguments and whatever surge of pity and regret she surely felt when she had to speak with Arizona.
She felt Callie sigh heavily, pressing another kiss to her forehead before moving away.
She couldn't help but feel like Callie was grateful she was asleep. Because Arizona was just one more thing for Callie to worry about, one more thing for Callie to have to deal with. And instead, tonight at least, Callie could just play with their daughter and be happy and enjoy her evening.
Arizona could give her that. It was essentially all she could do at this point, but it was something.
"Night, Arizona," Callie whispered from the doorway before shutting it once more, cloaking Arizona in darkness again.
A broken half-sob escaped Arizona, who quickly muffled it in her pillow.
She hated this so much.
But at least she had probably given Callie a bit of a break.
Arizona couldn't see a way out of this. Was this just going to be their lives until one of them snapped? Until things grew into untenable resentment?
xx
does she mean you forgot about me?
xx
Callie seemed happy. She finally seemed happy.
While on some level, Arizona resented it, Callie's happiness, she couldn't help but be elated to see Callie smiling again, even if it wasn't for her.
Because Callie had a beautiful smile that should be shared with the world and Arizona would probably never really forgive herself for stealing Callie's light for so long.
But Callie was smiling and happy and falling in love again and no matter how much it hurt Arizona to watch Callie fall in love with someone else, she was glad Callie was happy again. That was all she had ever really wanted.
That was why she followed her into that dirty bar bathroom all those years ago.
She wished she could be the one to make Callie happy, but it clearly wasn't meant to be. They had tried. Arizona had tried. But in the end, it wasn't enough and Arizona had to come to terms with that.
Arizona had Sofia, she had her job, she was still alive. That was enough. It was enough for her.
She hadn't even made an attempt to move on, to try and find love again. No matter what she told April in efforts to reassure her that divorce wasn't the end, Arizona knew deep down she'd never really move on from Callie. She knew Callie was it for her, but she wasn't any good for Callie. And no matter how much that realization hurt, Arizona had made her peace with it.
Years ago, she told Callie all she needed to be happy was Callie and Sofia. And that was probably still true. But now her priority was making sure Callie and Sofia were happy. And she understood well enough that Callie didn't need to be with her to be happy.
Which as heartbreaking of a realization as it was did come with some degree of peace.
Callie was happy again. Penny made her smile the way Arizona had once upon a time. And Arizona could be happy for her.
Arizona could be happy for Callie and ignore the way her own heart just kept shattering, ignore the growing emptiness, the way she cried at night and the way her life had crumbled around her.
She didn't even resent Penny the way she had anticipated. It wasn't Penny's fault Callie picked her. It wasn't Penny's fault she was a nice, normal girl without baggage and trauma and a past riddled with lies and mistakes and hurt. Callie deserved nice and normal and whole.
Arizona tugged a hand through her hair as she stepped onto the empty elevator, the same elevator she had impulsively kissed Callie a lifetime ago. When she had kissed Callie, it had been born of a desperation for just one more kiss with the love of her life, even if it had been the last kiss. At least then, she had believed it to be their last kiss, she had been prepared for that. What would actually be their last kiss, a fleeting good morning kiss before Arizona rushed off for work, felt strangely fitting for how things ended.
A hand appeared between the doors as they slid shut, opening the doors once more to reveal Penny, who looked instantly sheepish upon seeing Arizona. Penny tugged at the hem of her dress as she stepped on, evidently dressed for a date with Callie because as usual, the universe hated her.
"Oh, uh, hi, Dr Robbins."
"Dr Blake." Arizona was pleasantly surprised at how normal and level her voice was.
"Heading out?"
"Mhm, it's my turn for carpool."
Penny looked like she wanted to be almost anywhere else than this elevator with Arizona, and really, Arizona couldn't blame her for that. She wasn't exactly thrilled either.
"That's nice," Penny offered, twisting her purse strap between her hands.
A few beats passed in silence before Arizona began speaking, almost entirely unaware of what she was saying. "You make her happy."
"Pardon?"
"You make, you make Callie happy. And she deserves to be happy. And she hasn't… the people she's trusted with her heart in the past, myself included, haven't always made that a priority. Just… please," Arizona paused, trying to gather her scattered thoughts, "Just be careful with her heart please. And just… Callie's the best person I know and she loves deeply and wholly, so don't waste that. Don't let her go." The elevator came to a stop, the doors sliding open to reveal Callie, clearly waiting for Penny.
Arizona offered what she hoped was a convincing smile to Callie before stepping out.
"Have a great night," she said to the other two, ignoring the tight feeling in her chest. Callie squinted at her, as if she was trying to understand if Arizona had some ulterior motive. Arizona tried to ignore the way Penny so easily took Callie's hand, their fingers lacing together, just the same way they had when they were together.
"You too, give Sofia a kiss for me," Callie said, her discomfort more than evident in her tone.
Arizona smiled and nodded before forcing herself to walk away. She let herself glance back one more time as she reached the end of the corridor, finding Callie and Penny smiling at each other, clearly in their own little bubble.
Each time she thought her heart had been broken beyond comprehension, somehow, it shattered further.
She just had to keep moving forward. Not moving on, that was impossible. But she could move forward and give Callie the space to be happy. And Penny made her happy. And Callie's happiness was infinitely more important than Arizona's at the end of the day.
Arizona brushed away a few stray tears on her cheeks.
Callie was happy. She just had to keep telling herself that.
xx
oh, i hope you're happy
xx
Arizona readjusted Sofia's blankets, tucking her in tighter. Half asleep already, Sofia tried to keep her eyes open, watching as Arizona set the book down.
"Mommy?"
"Yeah, Sof?"
"Am I going to your house next week?"
Arizona blinked back the tears that sprung unheeded to her eyes. She still couldn't quite wrap her mind around the idea that she might not see her daughter for weeks or even months on end. Even just flying out to New York to help Sofia settle had triggered a number of panic attacks and Arizona was not exactly thrilled with the amount of medication it had required.
"Um, no, you're going to stay here with Mama for a while. And, and, and I'll come out and visit you as much as I can." Even to her own ears, it sounded weak. It was an inherently flawed plan, Arizona knew that. But it was the best she could come up with in a pinch and she had needed to give Callie something. "And we'll have Christmas together, and we can FaceTime as much as you want."
Sofia pouted a bit, looking incredibly like her father in that moment. "But I want to see you more. What are you gonna do without Sofia hugs?"
Arizona pulled Sofia up into a hug, pressing a kiss to her hair. She clung to her daughter, trying to remember every detail of her. She wasn't even sure when she'd be able to see her again, or when she'd be able to muster up the courage to board an airplane.
"I love you so much, Sofia, so, so much."
"Love you too, Mommy," Sofia mumbled, her eyes drifting shut.
Arizona gently set her back down, retucking her in. "Sleep well, bug."
Arizona remained on the edge of Sofia's bed for as long as she could justify as reasonable, just watching her sleep. She knew, she knew this was the right choice. It had to be. Otherwise, what was the point of all this heartache?
(And it certainly wasn't that some small, stupid, really fucking stupid part of Arizona thought maybe Callie would see her gesture for what it was – a terrible, misguided confession of love – and change her mind and choose Arizona. That'd be dumb.)
Callie and Sofia would be happy in New York. Really, things seemed great here. The apartment, the school, the city, everything.
The only thing was of course that Arizona would miss out on so much of Sofia's life. That Callie's girlfriend would spend more time with Sofia than Arizona and Arizona just had to make her peace with that. With the fact that she had fought and fought and won, but then in the end, she lost because of this unending, painful need to make Callie happy.
Arizona scrubbed a hand over her cheeks, unwilling to show Callie she had been crying in Sofia's room as she tried to say goodbye. The idea of showing weakness to her ex-wife seemed like a nightmare, and Arizona had more than enough of those anyway.
She kissed Sofia's forehead once more before finally dragging herself away. She lingered in the doorway for one last look before shutting the door behind her.
She stopped into the kitchen where Callie sat, staring into a glass of wine as if it would have all the answers. "Hey, uh, Callie, I'm… I'm heading out."
Callie's head snapped towards her, her eyes wide. "Sofia finally asleep?"
"Yep, totally knocked out. She seems excited about her new school, so that's good. And she loves her room and the apartment. I'm sure, I'm sure she'll be happy here."
"That's good, yeah, the school seems good. You're on all the contact info, so they'll, you know, call and email you and everything."
"I know, we did the paperwork together."
"Oh, right, yeah." Callie rubbed at the back of her neck and Arizona hated the familiarity of it all. As if if she blinked and things would be the same as they were years ago and she and Callie could still be together and raise their daughter together instead of on opposite ends of the country. "What time's your flight?"
"7:30 out of JFK."
"Do you need a ride-"
"It's fine. I'll just get a cab. We don't need to pretend at this anymore. I think things are very clear now."
"Arizona-"
"Really, Callie, it's fine. I'll, uh, I'll call Sofia when I land." Arizona paused, her gaze dropping away from Callie and her sad, apologetic eyes. "Good luck with everything, Callie, really, I mean it."
Callie stood to her feet, moving to stand in front of Arizona. "Arizona-"
Arizona cut her off, pulling her into a hug, purely because she was sure she couldn't handle whatever Callie might say. The less Callie said, the better at this point.
Arizona gave herself this last moment to hold Callie and pretend, pretend just for a moment that things were okay, that this wasn't goodbye, that she hadn't ruined everything, that they still loved each other, that she wasn't sad and pathetic and still in love with Callie.
The familiar press of Callie's body and her perfume, a different one from what she had worn when they were together, were nearly enough to drive Arizona to tears. But she couldn't cry. Not now, not in front of Callie.
Arizona pulled back first, terrified if she didn't, she might never.
She and Callie just watched each other for a long moment, neither willing to fully break the moment.
"Be happy," Arizona rasped out, the tears unfortunately evident in her voice. "Be really, really happy, Calliope." Arizona pushed herself up onto her toes to brush a kiss to Callie's cheek. Callie froze, clearly thrown by Arizona's words and actions, and Arizona couldn't really blame her for that. She hadn't called her Calliope since that last day in therapy and this was the most physical contact they had probably since day 29.
Without another word, Arizona gathered her coat and purse, tearing her eyes away from Callie.
Callie watched her leave silently, eyes wide and almost regretful. Arizona couldn't let herself read too much into it otherwise she might never leave.
Part of her desperately hoped Callie would stop her, that Callie would say something.
But before she knew it, she was walking out of Callie's apartment without so much as a second glance.
It was for the best. It was the best thing for Callie and Sofia.
She just had to keep telling herself that and maybe it'd be okay. Maybe someday, it wouldn't hurt so much.
But today was not that day.
xx
but not like how you were with me
xx
Arizona finished off the last of her gin and tonic, tipping her head back in an attempt to stave off the tears that had been threatening for days now. She was exhausted on multiple levels, having barely slept in the days since the explosion and then the startling realization Eliza had left without so much as a goodbye. Everything was just too much and so here she was, drinking in the middle of the day.
"Peds, right? I would've gone for all your specialties, but it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue."
Arizona spun in her chair, finding Callie of all people sat next to her, a frustratingly charming smile drawing Arizona in. "Callie. What're you doing here?"
Callie's smile dropped, evidently not prepared for a less than thrilled reception. "Well, for starters, the board meeting, but also I wa-"
"Where's Sofia?"
"In New York."
Arizona bristled at the idea of her daughter being left alone with Penny. "You left her with Penny?"
Callie rolled her eyes. "No, she's with my dad. Penny and I, uh, it didn't work out."
Arizona's heart dropped and frustration and anger and an annoying spark of hope roared to life in her chest. What was the point then of everything? Of the custody battle? Of Arizona being apart from her daughter for months on end? Of Arizona forcing herself onto a fucking airplane as much as possible?
"What do you mean it didn't work out? When?"
Callie rubbed at the back of her neck, an almost guilty smile appearing. "Um, since end of September."
"End of September," Arizona repeated dully, "End of September. You moved across the country and moved our daughter across the country and you barely lasted two months. You…." Arizona trailed off before she could say something she would regret.
Callie dragged them through the custody battle. She fought to be with Penny. And they didn't even last two months. And Callie didn't mention it to her, just letting Arizona continue to be a good ex-wife and enquire about her girlfriend while she made weak excuses about how Penny worked a lot.
Callie and Penny had broken up and Callie stayed in New York. Callie stayed on the other side of the country rather than move Sofia back to Seattle so Arizona didn't have to drug herself once a month to see her daughter. Arizona blinked back tears as the painfully obvious reason made itself clear. Callie broke up with Penny and had no reason really to stay in New York beyond staying away from Arizona.
Just when Arizona thought Callie Torres had broken her heart for the last time, somehow, by some miracle, she managed to do it again.
Arizona stumbled out of her stool and away from Callie. She had to get away from Callie before she said something stupid, which based on the number of drinks she had had was increasingly likely.
"Arizona, Arizona, wait-"
Arizona pushed past her, headed for the bathroom. She just needed a minute to get herself together. Then she could have a civilized conversation with her ex-wife and not be a total monster.
Hunched over the sink, she splashed some water on her face.
Who did Callie think she was, honestly.
Did she not understand how much Arizona had sacrificed to make her happy? To let her take Sofia across the country? And for what? Arizona thought she was being noble at the time, letting Callie go chase the woman she loved across the country and dragging Sofia with her. But maybe Callie had just wanted to get as far away from Arizona as possible and Penny was just a convenient out for her.
"Arizona-"
Arizona glanced up to the mirror, finding Callie standing behind her, nearly perfectly recreating their first meeting.
Except that had been a lifetime and numerous heartbreaks ago and Arizona simply didn't have the energy to play these games with Callie anymore, these games that she inevitably always lost.
"What, Callie, what more is there to say, what more is there to take?" Arizona spun around to face Callie, throwing her hands in the air. "I don't have anything left. You win! You've won. I get it. I get that I'm a horrible person, that I was a monster to you when we were married, that I cheated, that I'm a whore or whatever else you think. I get that. I even get why you would want to hurt me. But God, Callie, what was the fucking point? You did all of that and then you just broke up with Penny in two months. Damn it, Callie," Arizona seethed and she knew it wasn't her place, that she had absolutely no right to so much as have an opinion about who Callie dated. Arizona let her hips fall back against the sink as she buried her face in her hands. "Do you really hate me that much?"
"What?" Arizona stared at Callie incredulously, her mouth falling open a bit. "I don't hate you, Arizona."
"Sure, fine, whatever." Arizona fixed her gaze on the dirty wall behind Callie. "I hope you're happy in New York. You deserve that, Callie. You deserve to be happy and I'm glad you're happy in New York with Sofia, really, really glad," her voice cracked on the last syllable and she sort of hated herself for that. "I just… God," Arizona paused, tugging a hand through her hair, "do you even like New York? Or can you just not stand to be in the same city as me?"
"Arizona, what are you talking about?" Callie took a few steps towards her, reaching out for Arizona, but Arizona flinched back. "Arizona."
Arizona hid her face again in her hands. "I'm so tired, Callie. I'm so tired of always being the bad guy, the one left behind. I don't… I'm so tired."
Callie caught her elbow, closing the distance between them a bit more. "Arizona, you're not-"
Arizona jerked away from Callie, narrowly avoiding hitting her elbow on the counter. "Except, yeah, kinda, I am. Did you know I couldn't even start really trying to date until you were across the country? So, yeah, I get the impulse to flee the state or whatever. Bail if you will," Arizona bit out, unable to help but throw Callie's words from so long ago back at her. "But Callie, did you even stop for a moment to think? Did you ever consider… honestly, I don't know why I'm even bothering."
Arizona sidestepped Callie. She couldn't deal with another rejection, another loss, another person who just tossed her aside. And Callie had been that person time and time again, and Arizona knew, she knew it was her fault. But right now, in this moment, she couldn't keep having these same circular discussions with Callie, certainly not when she was working on so few hours sleep, not when her nerves were frayed and her emotions already under stress, not when she knew exactly what Callie thought of her: her cheating workaholic whore of an ex wife.
Callie had been that particular fact explicitly, legally clear. And Arizona couldn't quite shake it.
Arizona was halfway to the door before Callie's fingers wrapped around her wrist, pulling her back around.
"For years, for a fucking decade, you have this really, truly maybe your worst quality and honestly, that's saying something, but back to my point, you have this really stupid line about wanting me to be happy. You use it all the goddamned time. You tell me to go and be happy and you never say anything about being happy. And you know what, Arizona, I think you're miserable. You're miserable and you're too much of a coward to ever actually choose what makes you happy. And you have this misguided thing about me being happy, about Sofia having two happy moms, but you're not happy. You're not happy."
Arizona set her jaw, completely unwilling to let Callie see the way her words cut at her. But they cut so badly and she knew Callie was the only person who could do this to her, no one knew her like Callie, no one knew how to destroy her.
"Wow, really uncovered the secrets of the universe there, didn't you, Callie?"
Callie's brow furrowed as if she expected Arizona to refute her statement. But the gin paired with the lack of sleep made Arizona less inclined than usual to lie.
"Can I go now?" Arizona tried to tug her wrist free, but Callie held fast. "Callie."
"No, you don't get to just run off. I want you to…. Tell me, tell me what you need to be happy. And Arizona, I swear to God, if you give me some crap line about wanting me to be happy, or just needing Sofia and me to be happy or whatever else 'good man in a stupid storm' crap you're about to spout, I will scream."
"Real mature."
"And yet, you're the one making jokes. Answer the question, Arizona."
"Not really a question."
"Arizona."
Arizona finally met Callie's eyes, forcing herself not to read anything into what she saw there. "What, what do you want me to say, Callie?"
"The truth. For once, Arizona, the truth." Callie watched her pleadingly, a strange sort of desperation seeping into her tone. "You, you told me once all you needed to be happy was me and Sofia."
Instinctively, Arizona curled in on herself as much as was possible while Callie stood so close to her. "Fine," she practically spat out, but her heart wasn't really in it. "Fine, I need Sofia to be happy. I need Sofia to be happy, but she lives across the country and I can't fly without either suffering through panic attacks or having to take so much medication it makes me sick. So yeah, Callie, I'm miserable. Thank you for that."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
Arizona fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Maybe you should've thought about that before you told me you were taking our daughter across the country." Callie shrank back a bit at that. "Why do you think I wanted to fight so hard? I knew, I know it's too much for me."
"You won though, Arizona. You won and you let me take Sofia to New York anyway. You bought me plane tickets. You showed up and told me to go to New York and be happy."
Arizona shrugged, desperately ignoring the tears stinging at her eyes. "I was doing what I thought was right. I've hurt you too much, I've held you back too many times. I know you and I saw how much you were hurting, how much you wanted to follow Penny. And you deserved that chance, that chance to be happy, and you had made up your mind about going."
The unspoken, unacknowledged, unresolved ghost of the Carter Madison Grant hung between them and how Callie had fought every step of the way and how Arizona tried to turn a blind eye because she couldn't lose Callie. And how they had been in love and trying to build a life and Callie couldn't even congratulate Arizona. But she had been willing to follow Penny across the country and burn everything down even though they had barely been together, even though it meant uprooting Sofia.
That was when Arizona knew for certain. When she knew that Callie hadn't only moved on, but actually found the right person. She had found the person she was willing to give up everything for. That was how Arizona knew Callie hadn't been lying when she said Penny made her the happiest she'd ever been.
"Arizona…."
Arizona hated, despised, loathed the gentle understanding in Callie's voice. It was too close to pity, too close to sympathy.
She already knew she was pathetic. She didn't need Callie to know that too.
But of course Callie knew that. How could she not?
She obviously saw how Arizona had pined after her for years after their divorce. She had seen how Arizona couldn't move on and barely made an attempt to. She must have noticed the way Arizona caved and bent for her at practically every step of the way.
"Arizona, Arizona," Callie murmured, her voice barely more than a whisper. With a gentleness Arizona wanted to hate, but couldn't help but crave, Callie cupped her cheek with one hand, her thumb sweeping across Arizona's cheekbone, catching a stray tear. "Please, just, I," Callie stammered, "tell me. Tell me what you need to be happy."
Arizona tried to choke back a sob, failing completely as she watched Callie's eyes fill with tears. "I, I, I can't. I can't, I never have been able to handle you hating me."
"I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you, Arizona. I love you too much to hate you."
And it was as if the world stopped spinning on its axis and everything Arizona knew to be true imploded and she might have forgotten how to breathe.
Because Callie loved her.
Callie loved her.
What the fuck.
"Arizona," started Callie, drawing Arizona back into the moment, away from her quickly spiralling thoughts. "Tell me what you need to be happy."
Unable to stop the flow of tears, Arizona whispered, "You. I need you and I'm so sorry."
Callie frowned, her thumb still moving in soothing circles along Arizona's cheek bone. "Arizona, shh, I need you too."
"You do?" Arizona asked, barely managing more than a whisper.
"I do," replied Callie before pulling Arizona into a hug, burying her face in Arizona's hair. Arizona knew she was holding onto Callie too tightly, her fingers curled into the back of Callie's jacket, but part of her was so terrified that if she let go the moment would end and things would revert back to before and Callie would disappear. "Love you," Callie mumbled into her hair.
Arizona choked out a laugh into Callie's shoulder. "Love you too," the words felt almost unnatural after so many years of burying those feelings and suppressing so much as a thought of a hint of affection for Callie.
They stayed like that for Arizona wasn't even sure how long, just holding each other, swaying back and forth a bit, neither one willing to let go yet.
Callie finally pulled back slightly, a bright smile lighting up her features in a way Arizona could barely even remember seeing in recent years. "Can I do something really dumb?"
Arizona's eyebrows shot up as she leaned back slightly from Callie. "Depends. How dumb is it?"
"It's not that dumb. Just, uh, turn around." Callie let go of Arizona entirely, her hands moving down to Arizona's hips to turn her around so she was facing the mirror. "Um, yeah, stay there. Perfect."
Before Arizona could so much as say a word, Callie darted out of the bathroom for a split second before walking back in, the bright grin never leaving her face.
"Peds, right?" Callie asked, smiling at Arizona in the mirror.
Arizona twisted on her heel, folding her arms over her chest. "Callie-"
"Not your line," Callie tsked with a shake of her head. "Callie Torres, ortho surgery. I've seen you at the hospital before. You okay?"
"Callie, c'mon, what're-"
"You're not great at these lines, are you?" Callie let out a laugh before continuing, "People talk a lot where we work. I know things about you. Well, okay, I know a lot about you. And honestly, Arizona, I have no idea what you were saying because I wasn't listening and I thought you were going to make fun of me or something." The warmth blooming in her chest spread slowly throughout her entire body. "I know there was something about people really liking me. I remember that."
"People do really like you."
"You, uh, you look upset and I thought you should know the talk is good. And when you're over being upset, you should know, there'll be people lining up for you."
Arizona couldn't help the soft smile tugging on her lips as Callie started closing the distance between them. "Wanna give me some names?"
Callie took another step closer, one hand resting on Arizona's hip while the other came up to cup Arizona's cheek again. Acting more on instinct than anything else, Arizona leaned in, her eyes drifting shut as their lips met.
It wasn't nearly as gentle as their first kiss, which had been soft and fleeting and more of a promise of something more than anything else.
This time, they were more desperate, desperate for each other, desperate for reassurance that the other was still there, desperate for any semblance of proof that this was real.
Arizona tangled her fingers in Callie's hair, pulling her ever closer, as Callie pressed the length of her body along Arizona's.
They only broke apart when the door banged open and someone yelped, "Shit! Sorry!"
Both Callie and Arizona let out a giggle, their foreheads pressed together.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
xx
hit me up on twitter lavender_lenax or tumblr spookyrobbins or in the comments here if you have requests! (for either drabbles or something longer!)
much love xx