Chapter 3: If It's Meant To Be (It'll Be)
June 27, 2019
(Harvey's hotel room) Seattle
She wakes up as the sun begins to dance through the semi-drawn curtains and paints the sky a hint of orange. Doing her best not to wake Harvey, who was fast asleep beside her, she slips out from under his arm and searches for her dress from the night before.
Finding it on the floor near the small table in the hall, she slips it on and quickly does it up before tossing her hair up into a messy bun and looking around for her bag.
She peers over at Harvey, topless and fast asleep and she cringes. Was she really going to slip out of here after the night of passion they'd had? Did she really have a choice?
She was with Thomas now, and what they did here was wrong; no matter how right it felt. What happened with Harvey didn't change the fact that he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he didn't see her that way.
Sure, they had an undeniable sexual chemistry. But hadn't they always?
Last night was a moment of weakness on her part. She gave into her selfish desire to have him and it was as simple as that. That's what she repeats over and over in her mind as she gathers up the last of her things and looks over at Harvey one last time.
She couldn't stay and face the inevitable conversation she knew they had to have. She couldn't handle having him tell her it didn't mean anything, when last night meant everything to her.
They'd connected in a way she'd only ever experienced once before, with him. He seemed to understand her in a way that went well beyond thoughts and actions and it terrified her, how right it felt to be with him.
After all those years of holding back, years of not touching, not risking anything, their resolve had crumbled around them in a matter of seconds. The pretense had been dropped and now everything was a mess.
She needed to leave because she knew she wasn't ready to have Harvey diminish whatever it was that happened between them last night, but she couldn't exactly go home to Thomas when she had no idea how to explain what had happened between her and Harvey.
Her mind was whirling.
And in the midst of all the chaos, she finds herself thinking about how angry he must be with her, for making him the one thing he swore he would never be.
And that was the really fucked up part. She swore to herself that when she moved to Seattle, she would start putting herself first and now, here she was standing in the threshold of Harvey's hotel room worried about how he must feel when she'd practically just hit the self destruct button on her own relationship.
"Donna?" He stirs, rubbing his eyes as he turns towards where she was about to open the door.
"Where are you going?" He adds.
"I have to go. We should probably just pretend this didn't happen," she says, gesturing between them.
"Does this mean we can go back to being friends?" he asks absentmindedly.
"Were we ever really friends?" She sighs before stepping out into the hallway and shutting the door behind her.
She makes it to the elevator on shaky legs before hitting the button for the ground floor and sinking to her knees as the metal box begins its descent.
What the hell was she doing? She came here to get away from Harvey, to escape the person she'd become; one that was willing to wait around until the end of time for him. And she was happy with Thomas. They were beginning to build a life together. But Harvey…
Was Harvey.
And try as she might, part of her heart would always belong to Harvey Specter.
She'd always prided herself on being a good person, so thinking about what she'd just done to Thomas makes her feel ill, but at the same time, she knew what just happened had nothing to do with Thomas.
It would have happened with or without him in the picture.
It didn't make it right or justifiable by any means, but for as long as she could remember, she wanted to be wanted by Harvey. She craved his attention in the way he gave attention to other girls. And last night, she finally learned what it felt like to be wanted by him, and she was high on the feeling it brought her.
She slowly climbs to her feet as the elevator reaches the ground floor and smooths down her dress. Collecting her thoughts, she attempts to pull herself together before stepping into the lobby as her phone rings.
Retrieving it from her purse, she answers the call without checking the caller ID as she exits the building.
"Hey, you didn't come home last night, just wanted to make sure everything was alright?" Thomas' voice echoes on the other end.
"Oh yeah, everything's fine. I ended up drinking a little bit more than expected so I spent the night at Mike and Rachel's."
"Alright. Tell them I said hello. See you this afternoon for lunch?"
"Do you think we can reschedule? I have a few things I wanted to get done this afternoon and …"
"Say no more, consider it rescheduled."
After hanging up with Thomas she sends Rachel a quick message telling her that if Thomas asked she stayed with them last night and not to ask because it was a long story she didn't feel like explaining, though she knew her best friend wouldn't accept that as an answer for too long.
She considers calling a taxi and heading home to change but decides she could use the fresh air and a nice long walk to clear her head.
She's not quite sure where she's walking to but she supposes she'll figure it out when she gets there.
She slept with Harvey Specter last night.
Her former boss. One time lover. Long time keeper of her heart.
She met with him with the intentions of saying goodbye and moving on and instead she let him in and she knew saying goodbye was nearly impossible now that she knew what it felt like when they were together.
He was much more patient than she remembered. And his hands. My god she could write a novel about the way… snap out of it! She internally curses herself.
She shouldn't be thinking about this. It was wrong.
It was wrong that she woke up craving the way he tasted. And that he got her off more times last night than she thought possible.
Or, was it wrong that they hadn't been doing this for years? Hadn't been indulging in each other the way they could have been.
She shakes her head and curses herself for even having this internal debate.
Get out of your head, Paulsen, that's how you got yourself into this mess.
She ends up at a small fountain in a park she enjoyed near the water side and takes a seat in one of the benches next to an assortment of rose bushes. She watches as the water from the fountain pulsates and shoots higher into the air before dialing back down and repeating the cycle all over again. She watches with a blank mind for a few minutes, wishing her life could be as simple as the fountain cycle.
Or like that time in the fifth grade when Adam Johnson told her he loved her beside the school water fountain and they decided they would get married and buy a house in the suburbs. It was so simple back then. He told her he loved her and that was that.
Now, her love life was a complicated mess. She'd been caught in her own web, and now there was nothing to do but wait for the fallout.
She's not sure how long she sits there, thinking about nothing and thinking about everything.
She wasn't sure what it all meant.
Where did this leave them? Where did it leave her and Thomas?
As the sky begins to cloud over she begins her walk back to their apartment, pulling out her phone for the first time since she left his apartment room that morning. She had a message from Thomas telling her he hoped she had a great time with Rachel, and a message from Rachel with a few question marks but unsurprisingly, there was nothing from Harvey.
Figures he would run without saying a word. She shouldn't be surprised, he always ran.
But could she blame him? She'd made him the one thing he'd always resented, made his life more difficult. Things would have been easier if they'd just moved on and pretended they never mattered to one another.
She shakes her head as she continues to walk, not sure who to place the blame on. It wasn't all on her, but it wasn't his fault either. It was a chaotic mess of what could have been that erupted and left her stumped.
As she reached her apartment, she decides the best thing she can do is to just move past it, forget it ever happened, just like they always did.
In the end, she knew nothing would come of what happened between her and Harvey, whereas she was building a life with Thomas. It was wrong, and the sinking feeling in her gut told her she would always be appalled with herself for what had happened. But she had to move on and Thomas was the key to doing so.
Harvey was her past, Thomas was her future.
.
.
"Were we ever really friends?" He hears her ask and even in his semi-sleepy state the statement cuts straight through the heart and leaves him feeling breathless.
He processes her words as he slowly rises from beneath the covers, but by the time he frees himself from the confines of the sheets, she's already long gone.
He sprints towards the elevator and through the lobby but it's no use, she's gone.
Stumbling back into the hotel elevator he drags his hand through his bed head, the sweatpants he had tossed on with an old Harvard shirt standing out among the suited men standing with him in the ascending metal box.
He reaches for his phone from the bedside table as soon as he makes it back to his room and opens their last text conversation. His thumb hovers over the keyboard but his mind draws a blank.
What the hell was he even supposed to say to her? That he had a great time last night and he'd love to do it again sometime? Because he knew it wasn't that simple. She was taken for god's sake. She wasn't his to have and yet, he got to have her and my god did he want to experience their evening again.
Being with Donna was like everything he'd ever imagined it would be. It made him feel whole in ways he hadn't known he was lacking substance in his life. Her kiss made him feel like every star in the universe had aligned and for the second time in his life he was reminded of how powerful sex could be.
Time stopped while he made love to Donna Paulsen.
There was simply nothing in the world that compared to the way their bodies melded together as they chased their combined high.
Last night, he was at the mercy of her slender fingers and now, his own hovered aimlessly over his keyboard as he fought to find the words that conveyed what he wanted to say.
Last night was not a mistake. Not in his mind. It was a long time coming. It was twelve years of the static charge that built up just before the thunder came crashing down and the rain began to pour. And now, the rain was pouring.
He begins to type, his mind foggy.
Donna, that was…
Delete. Delete. Delete.
Last night was….
God. Why was this so hard?
I think I love you. No, I know I love you.
Delete.
He couldn't do that to her, not while she was still with Thomas, it wasn't his place.
It wasn't his place to take her to bed either. Placing his phone back down on the table, the magnitude of what they'd done begins to wash over him and he pales.
He'd just made her life a million times harder. He never should have texted her, never should have suggested that final drink, never should have let himself love her.
He ends up convincing himself it would be better for her if he let her go, like she'd once requested and doesn't try to contact her. After packing up his suitcase he glances around his hotel room ensuring he hadn't forgotten anything before he shuts off the light and closes the door behind him.
Thirteen years. He'd managed to keep his feelings at bay for thirteen years and now that he'd opened the Pandora's box that was his heart, he knew there was no going back.
This was the place he finally admitted to himself that he loved Donna Paulsen.
And it was also the place he lost her for good.
Confused, upset, and alone he boards his plane back to Manhattan, a whirlwind of self hatred. He was no better than his mother had been. He was selfish and in the end, he realizes the person he's hurt the most may be himself.
Had he admitted how he felt about Donna sooner, maybe they wouldn't be in this mess.
As the plane takes off towards Manhattan, he closes his eyes and forces himself to think of anything else. This chapter of his life was now closed, and it was time to move on, despite the nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him to fight for her, one last time.
.
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July 2, 2019
Seattle
A few days after leaving that hotel room, Donna is finally able to shake some of the guilt off in an attempt to fully commit herself to her relationship with Thomas, but something isn't quite right.
She told herself she went to see Harvey because she wanted closure, yet she had the furthest thing from closure.
She toyed with the idea of calling him a few times, but each time she pulled up his name in her phone, she felt dirty and she couldn't go through with it.
Eventually, after days of torturing herself, she gave in and told Rachel about the mistake she made, only to be met with a wide-eyed glance and a pitying small accompanying a soft "oh Donna."
.
"What am I going to do Rach?"
"Oh Donna," the brunette says, reaching out to squeeze her palm reassuringly.
"I ruined the only good relationship I've ever had and for what?"
"I wish I knew what to tell you… but honestly Donna, I don't have a clue what to say."
"Do you think you're going to see Harvey again?" She adds in a hushed tone.
Donna pauses to consider her question before answering, "honestly, no. I think I just want to put this whole mess behind me and move on with my life."
"Well, then I think you already know what to do. If you're serious about moving on, I think you need to forget it ever happened and move on."
"How do you just forget?"
"It'll come, with time," Rachel replies with a sad smile.
.
She knows it isn't ideal. She knows it's far from right. She knows that it will probably eat away at her for years to come, but she also knows Thomas is the man she should want. So she forces herself to push Harvey to the back of her mind.
That is, until her phone rings late one Thursday evening as the sun is beginning to set and her living room is painted a deep shade of orange and her stomach flips as the name Harvey Specter flashes across her screen.
She contemplates answering as it continues to ring, the sound echoing through the empty apartment as the device vibrates in her palm.
On the fifth ring, she decides it's a call that needs to be answered, so she can put the past in the past, once and for all.
"Oh, you picked up," she hears on the other end as she brings the phone to her ear.
"You were expecting me not to?" She breathes, her hands trembling.
"Honestly, no," he replies.
She rounds the couch and takes a seat, tucking her legs beneath her as she peers out the window and presses the phone to her ear.
"Then why did you call?" She asks.
"I-" he pauses, "I felt like we left things a little bit…"
"Unfinished," she says for him.
"Yeah," he sighs.
"Donna-" he says at the same time that she says, "Harvey."
"You go," she suggests, curious as to what made him call nearly a week later when she hadn't heard from him since their night together.
"How are you?" He asks, and her face pales.
"How am I?" She snaps, "How do you think I am Harvey? We…" she stops, unable to say the words out loud for fear that it made things all too real, "I'm fine."
"Donna-"
"What? I said I'm fine, it was clearly a mistake and I'm sorry that I let it happen. I can't imagine how much you must hate me," she begins to rant.
"Donna I… I could never… hate you."
"Let's just forget about it. It was a one time thing, and it's over now. We're both adults that are fully capable of putting this mistake behind us and moving on."
He stays silent on the other end and her stomach lurches once again, waiting for him to say something, anything.
"If that's what you want, consider it forgotten," he whispers.
"Anyways, I've got to get going but I think it would be best if we maintained some distance for a while," she explains. Even though the words are tumbling out of her own mouth, she regrets them. She didn't want to distance herself from him, she wanted to run to him. But they wanted different things, and this is what had to happen.
"Alright. Sure."
"Goodbye Harvey," she says, hanging up before he has a chance to tell her goodbye.
.
He drops his head to his hands as the line goes dead and his world begins to spin. What the hell just happened? Why did he agree to pretend like that night never happened, when it's the only thing that's been on his mind since it happened?
He called Donna with the intention of asking to see her again because he wanted to tell her how he felt. That she shouldn't be with Thomas, she should be with him. But it seemed that wasn't what she wanted.
He'd thought long and hard about what had happened over the past week, and once he pushed past the resentment he felt towards himself, he realized that being with Donna felt right. That he wanted to be with her again.
It was complicated, the way he was feeling. One minute he was angry about what they had done, and the next, he wanted to do it again. Despite the complex emotions that were tangled up with the memories of their evening together, the one thing he knew for certain was that he had feelings for Donna, he just didn't know what to do about it.
So, he gave in and called her.
He wasn't sure what he was hoping to gain from the call, aside from seeing her again, where maybe the right words would come pouring out and everything would make sense in the moment once she was standing in front of him. But he knew that was a long shot.
He wanted more, but he would settle for going back to how things were before she left if it meant not losing her again. He was a closer, he could at least handle that. Or so he thought, somehow between hearing her voice and the sadness that lingered in her tone, his plan became a pipe dream and he was agreeing to pretend it never happened. Hearing her call what happened "a mistake", it hurt. But nothing rivaled the way hearing her apologizing made him feel. It made his heart drop, knowing that after everything that had happened, after he was the one to put her in a bad position, she was apologizing to him. She actually said the words, "I'm sorry." And what kind of monster did that make him? He invited her to the bar. He was the one that made the first move, that interfered with her relationship, and she was worried about how their decision made him feel. It was maddening. It was heartbreaking and eye-opening all in the same. It made him realize what he should have noticed years ago. She was always putting him first. Tending to his needs before her own. And it was about time he returned the favour. This time, he was going to put her first, and he was going to walk away; even if this was the first time he had no desire to run. For once, his feelings didn't frighten him. But those same feelings were the driving force behind giving her what she wanted; time and space.
This was his worst nightmare and he was about to face it for the second time in his life. He was about to pretend his feelings didn't exist, omit the greatest (or second greatest) night of his life, all because his heart couldn't tell his mind or his mouth what to say. All because he messed up, he took her to bed prematurely and ruined their chances at a real relationship. Again.
.
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February 3, 2008
Manhattan
He taps impatiently on the table as he waits for Donna to arrive, his leg moving to the same rhythm. He isn't sure if his jitters are a result of his second cup of coffee, or because he hasn't seen her since their night together so he chalks it up to both.
When he spots her coming through the diner doors, his shoulders relax and he takes a moment to appreciate just how beautiful she is.
He's excited. Excited to tell her about the offer at Pearson Hardman and excited to see what's next for them. Though he knew they had a lot of sexual chemistry, their night together was the greatest night of his life and he'd been thinking about it, about her, every waking hour since it happened.
They had something special, him and Donna. The way they connected transcended emotional and physical and was something else all together. When they were together that night, everything felt right, it was as though everything in the world was happening exactly as it was supposed to happen, and the magnitude of it all overwhelmed him while it challenged him. And Harvey Specter was always up for a challenge.
Things are going well as he tells her about the firm, but his bubble is burst as she makes her terms clear.
"We put it out of our heads and pretend it never happened…"
The words echo in his mind.
He never imagined he'd have to choose between having Donna work for him and being in a relationship with Donna, yet here he was faced with an ultimatum.
A panic rises inside his chest as he watches her, waiting for his answer.
Part of him wants to tell her he wants both. Wants to be greedy with her and have her in his personal and professional life.
A bigger part of him panics and knows that he can't be the best lawyer he can be without her, and he knows that having her in his life a little bit is better than not having her in his life at all. So he agrees to her terms.
It isn't until days, even months later that he realizes he made a horrible mistake. That he single handedly ruined any chance they had at a real relationship by not fighting for her in that diner.
She's not sure why she did it, gave him an ultimatum that ultimately led to the destruction of any chance they ever had at a romantic relationship.
Part of her thinks it was a defense mechanism; one that she used to guard her heart from the inevitable heartache that came with getting involved with a player like Harvey Specter. But another part of her wonders if she knew it wasn't the right time for them. Some part of her perhaps knew that this was what they needed. That she was destined to work at Pearson Hardman, but perhaps not destined to be with Harvey Specter.
.
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July 7, 2019
Manhattan
As much as he hated to admit it, what they did was eating away at him. He couldn't sleep without visions of her freckles popping into his mind, and he couldn't shake the self hatred he felt for thinking about another man's woman each time it happened.
He cursed inwardly at himself each time her name graced his tongue, and wanted nothing more than to wipe his conscious clean and move on.
But how could he move on when he was the villain in this story? He was the monster, much like his mother had been to all stories about his childhood. And he doubts he'll ever be able to forgive himself for it.
As time goes on, his self loathing worsens which is why he finds himself seated across from Stan, hands folded nervously in his lap as he leans back against the dark leather sofa and tries to remind himself to breathe.
"You were hoping she would leave him," Stan says after Harvey tells him what happened with Donna in Seattle.
"It wasn't like that."
"Ah, but Harvey it was. I know you don't want to hear it but you were the other man here."
"It's different."
"How is this different from what your mother did?"
"It's Donna. She's my… she's… it's just different," he finally manages to say, cheeks flushed.
"Besides, it's never going to happen again. She made it very clear that it was a mistake."
"Do you think it was a mistake?"
"It doesn't matter what I think."
"Harvey. I'm not sure what happened in Seattle with Donna, but what I do know is you have unresolved feelings for her that are not going to go away on their own."
"How could you possibly know that from what I've just told you?"
"You came in here strongly opposed to anyone who cheated, and now here you are sitting on my couch justifying what you and Donna did. A man doesn't change his morals overnight Harvey. You still love her and in your mind what you two did wasn't wrong because of your feeling towards her, perhaps your feelings towards each other?"
"It's not like that… she… she doesn't see me that way."
"Well, regardless, you need to accept the fact that she has decided to move on. As hard as it may be, as long as she's still with him and you pursue her, you are edging towards becoming exactly the kind of man you always told me you despised."
"Are you saying I should let her go?"
"I'm saying that if you want to make a play for her, make a play for her heart and let her decide. You need to communicate using words, tell her how you feel."
"How is telling her how I feel while she's with him any different?"
"Because then she will know what your intentions are and she's free to make her own choice. Right now I'm worried that the two of you are falling into old habits that lack communication."
"That's a load of bullshit, and you know it. She was free to make the decision to walk away the other night, and she didn't! She is just as much to blame as anyone in this situation!"
"Harvey, no one is blaming you…"
"Forget I came in here…" he huffs, storming out of Stan's office with a swift slam of the door.
.
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July 13, 2019
Seattle
Flopping back down on Mike and Rachel's sofa, Donna takes a long sip of her wine before settling beneath the throw blanket and focusing her eyes on Rachel, who was seated across from her. The pair was having their bi-weekly girls night, a tradition that had come about when Donna first moved to Seattle.
Mike was out with a few guys from the office, leaving Donna and Rachel to themselves and the two bottles of wine they'd consumed. Grateful that Rachel hadn't mentioned the H word, all night, she laughs at the story her friend tells about Mike and she feels her shoulders relax. She'd almost forgotten what it felt like to relax and enjoy a night out.
Things with Thomas lately had been fine, but that was just it, they'd be fine. This past week they'd both been working late and though nothing changed in their physical relationship, things had changed in her emotional one. Of course, he asked how it was seeing Harvey, and she lied through her teeth and told him it was fine. Fine. Everything was just fine.
Her relationship with Thomas.
The way she and Harvey left things.
Her disheveled emotions that kept her up at night wondering if Thomas was the right choice after all.
It was all fucking fine.
"Are you going to tell me what you're thinking about or are we going to keep ignoring it?" Rachel asks, interrupting her thoughts.
"I wasn't-"
"Something happened. You talked to him."
"How did you know?"
"I can see it all over your face Donna. It's a wonder Thomas hasn't."
"I…"
"I thought you were going to forget about it? Be with Thomas?"
"And I am," Donna says, unconvincingly.
"Then what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" Rachel pushes.
"Harvey called me…"
"And?!"
"And nothing. We both agreed it was a mistake and that it would be best if we didn't see each other for a while."
"You both agreed?" Rachel asks.
"Yes."
"Then I'm not sure I see what the problem is?"
"That's exactly the problem Rach. It should be over. We agreed to put everything behind us, forget about it and move on. But…"
"You can't put it out of your mind," Rachel finishes the sentence for her.
"But I want to. And I'm trying to. Really I am. I wake up next to Thomas and it's good and we're happy. Thomas, he makes me happy. He's a good man. But sometimes, I can't help those thoughts from popping into my mind and I hate myself for it. It's wrong Rach. I shouldn't be thinking of him, of us, when I'm happy with someone else. But for some reason, I am. Is that even possible when I love Thomas? To be thinking of him?"
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Love Thomas," Rachel smirks, knowing her friend hadn't realized the words slipped out.
Donna pauses, realizing what she'd said and it suddenly dawns on her; she does love Thomas. If she didn't, she never would have agreed to move here with him. But, she fears that a part of her may also love Harvey, and she didn't have the strength to face the tug of war in her heart.
"I do," she answers softly.
"And Harvey?" Rachel dares to ask.
"It's complicated."
"Look, Donna. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that no matter what happens, I'm here for you. If you want to be with Thomas, then be with Thomas. Same goes for Harvey. All I'm going to say is that you need to decide before you drive yourself mad. Make a decision, but make it for you."
"What if I make the wrong one?" she practically whispers.
"You're Donna, you'll make the right one."
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July 15, 2019
Seattle
Her conversation with Rachel weighed heavy on her mind all night but by the time her head hit the pillow that night, she knew Rachel was right. She couldn't keep torturing herself like this, she had a choice to make and in her heart, she already knew what her choice would be.
A few days later, while sitting in the sun-filled kitchen of their apartment, she finds herself flipping through her phone while Thomas makes them pancakes. She thanks him as he places a few on the plate in front of her and wraps his arms around her from behind while he nuzzles into her neck.
"Thank you," she whispers, leaning back to catch his lips in a kiss.
"Anything for you," he mumbles before beginning to nibble on her earlobe.
"I love you," she breathes and she feels him pause, his breath still heavy on her neck.
He steps around her so he's standing between her legs and his eyes find hers as she relaxes her shoulders and a small smile spreads over her lips, "I love you Thomas," she says again.
"I love you too," he beams, excitedly wrapping his arms around her and lifting her as he twirls her around before kissing her again. She wraps her arms around his head as he carries her back towards their bedroom, their breakfast forgotten about as he shuts the door behind them.
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June 26, 2019
Seattle
He places both hands beneath her ass and lifts her, her arms wrapped around his head as he moves them back towards the bed. Twirling them around, he places him down before climbing on top of her, his face hovering inches from hers as his hand pushes the bottom of her dress up around her waist.
He breaks the kiss as his hands work to push the lace material of her panties aside, his eyes locked on hers.
There was something about the moment her eyes locked on his, the ferocity in which her gaze fell upon his, that made him shiver. They'd always had an unparalleled chemistry, but this, this felt like something else; it was unparalleled in his universe.
The way her bare skin felt against his. The way her lips nibbling at his neck made the hairs on the back of his neck rise, and how his painfully hard cock fit perfectly in the palm of her hand.
For a moment, the sensation is overbearing. It's all consuming and powerful and he thinks that making love to Donna Paulsen might be the single greatest thing that he's ever done, and they've barely begun.
She tosses her head back as he begins to kiss down her neck, pausing at the nape of her left breast before resuming his trail of sloppy kisses. Sliding down her body, he pushes the remaining material of her dress up to expose her hips and gently parts her knees as he moves down the mattress.
Propped up on her elbows, she leans back and lets out a breathy sigh as he places a kiss to her inner thigh, followed by another as he moves towards her center.
The rest is a blur as he focuses on the way she's crying his name over and over. The closer she gets the heavier his name sounds on her tongue and it's like a drug to him, driving him onwards and going straight to his groin.
He was high on making love to Donna Paulsen; a kind of high he wanted to keep chasing for the rest of time.
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August 2, 2019
Manhattan
An entire month without speaking to her, and he felt lost. Sitting alone at his desk staring at the wall that he once shared with her, he allows himself to wallow in his loneliness. He reaches for his half empty scotch glass and empties the contents, dropping his head into his hands.
After leaving Stan's office, he spent the afternoon wandering through Central Park, contemplating. Stan's words ran clear through his mind and he was beginning to think the man had a point. He was hoping that Donna would leave Thomas when he went to see her that night. And that was wrong. He knows it was wrong, he just couldn't help himself from wanting it. Wanting her.
Make a play for her heart.
Stan's words had been haunting him. He hated that he was right, and that he wanted to take his advice. He just wasn't sure how to go about telling her what he wanted. He couldn't just tell her, could he?
His life had become a mess.
And the one person that used to be his guidepost was no longer around to help him navigate it.
He pulls out his phone and places it down on his desk, unlocking it and staring at the blank screen. Was this what his life had become? Was he such a mess that he now drank alone in his office and dreamed of night they used to drink in his office together?
He pulls up her name and begins to draft a text, only he has no idea what to say.
Make a play for her heart.
How the hell was he supposed to do that? After all these years, how could he still not know how to tell her.
After the countless nights spent working on case files that could wait but he pushed through because he wanted to spend more time with her. The numerous shopping trips and brunches he secretly enjoyed. Each and every time she surprised him with her tenacity and her drive. The way her nose crinkled when she was focused on reading a document.
He had so many chances to tell her how he felt over the years, and he could never bring himself to do it. Now, his finger hovered over his keyboard as he tried to think of an excuse he can use to reach out to her, but he draws a blank.
How could he possibly make a play for her heart when she deserved better?
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April 12, 2019
Manhattan
Things had changed between them. Ever since that night he was ready to risk it all and the sight of Thomas Kessler's hand settling on her back as he stepped off that elevator changed his mind. He could feel it. The air was charged when they were in a room together. Everything was different even though nothing had changed.
He was going to tell her that night. After Scottie got in his ear and told him if he didn't smarten up, he'd lose her. Of course, he argued that he had nothing to lose but the moment he hung up, he knew she was right. Donna wasn't going to wait around forever and it was about time he told her how he felt.
He'd know for a while, that he loved her that way. He'd just never found the courage to tell her that this time, he was the one who wanted more. How could he after he got mad at her for kissing him and when he knew she felt nothing from said kiss. Scottie's words woke something in him and for the first time since the other time, he was ready to tell her exactly how he felt.
He wanders into the file room, looking for Louis when he spots Donna standing over the copier, her emerald green dress leaving nothing to his imagination as he comes up behind her wearing a coy smile.
"Harvey," she greets him without turning around, a grin plastered across her face.
"Donna," he volleys, stepping up to the table beside her.
"How'd you know it was me?"
"You aren't exactly light on your feet," she smirks, passing him a few forms and nodding towards the stapler.
He does as she silently asks, reaching for the stapler and puncturing the packet of paper before placing it down on the table beside the copier.
"What are you doing in here?" she asks.
"Can't a guy help his favourite redhead?" he smiles.
She feels a small flutter in her stomach when he refers to her as his favourite redhead but forces herself to keep a straight face.
"He can, but that's not why you came in here," she points out.
"You're right, I was looking for Louis. But now that I'm here, do you need help?"
"Are you seriously offering to help me make copies?"
"Yes," he replies softly.
"Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?"
"Ha ha, very funny. Pass me the next pile," he says as he reaches for the next stack and staples the forms together.
"I haven't seen you in a while, it'll be nice to help."
"You saw me in a meeting this morning," she points out.
"You know what I mean."
"How are you? How's…" he's tempted to say Thomas but he hesitates before he can.
"We're good Harvey," she finishes for him.
She knows he told her that he was happy for her, but part of her wonders if maybe he's bothered by her relationship with Thomas the way he once was with Stephen. She swore he was about to mention them the other night, before Thomas showed up, and she wants to know what he would have said if they hadn't been interrupted.
They continue to work in a silent tandem for a while. Donna passing Harvey papers. Harvey stapling and stacking them. It's systematic but that charged energy is in the air again and he's struggling to ignore it. He tries to keep his mind busy as they work, but then she's stepping around him at the same time he turns to grab more staples and she's colliding into his chest and reaching for his arms to steady herself.
Time pauses for a moment as his hands reach for hers and his eyes settle on hers, and for what feels like an eternity, they're anywhere but the office file room. He hesitates for a moment, his eyes now focused on her pale pink lips and he feels her shift forwards in his arms. His mind is racing because this is his chance to tell her, he could so easily bend down and steal a kiss, return the one she'd stolen in her office that night. But she just told him things between her and Thomas were going well and he can't manage to find the words to tell her he's all in, that he wants more than a kiss.
Instead of giving in to temptation, he releases his hold on her but stays planted inches from her face, both of them breathing heavily, uncertain.
"I would," he whispers.
"You would?"
"But I won't."
"You won't?"
"I can't," he breathes, "but just know I want too."
And with that, he turns and sees himself out of the file room. Neither of them bring up the moment again and a month later she's moving across the country with Thomas Kessler.
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August 2, 2019
Seattle
Sitting alone in her office, long after everyone else has returned home, she takes a long sip of the scotch she poured herself and stares out the window over the Seattle skyline.
In the past, she would stroll next door to see if he was in his office and they'd crack open a bottle of scotch. Tonight, she drinks alone and toasts to their memory.
She pulls out her phone and considers sending him a message, but soon convinces herself it wouldn't be right. She chose Thomas. She decided to love Thomas, not Harvey. It was the most difficult decision she'd ever had to make, and she wasn't even sure there was a decision to make. She knew how she was feeling, but Harvey's emotions were once again a mystery to her.
He agreed to forget that night ever happened, just like he agreed to forget about the other time all those years ago. Maybe she was fooling herself into thinking she had a choice to make; when Harvey had decided for her all those years ago.
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August 31, 2019
Manhattan
Weaving through the heavy pedestrian traffic, she hustles down the sidewalk on the Upper East Side where she's supposed to be meeting Louis for lunch. She's already running late, which is unlike her, but something in the window of a shop she passes by catches her eye and she decides to make a small pit stop and check it out.
After making her purchase she steps back out onto the crowded sidewalk and steps into the blaring sun only to collide with a tall man in a suit going the opposite direction.
She stumbles forward but steadies herself using the man's arm, only drawing back to see who she'd bumped into after she stabilized herself.
She finds herself peering up into chocolate brown eyes and the colour drains from her face.
"Harvey?"
As always, all the love to my fabulous Beta who I would be lost without xx (Seriously, May you're a rock star)