CHAPTER 5
The Drunk and the Wasted

Zelda had never imagined how 'drunk' or 'wasted' truly manifested until she saw her friends blindly running around the room, leaving a trail of spilled Jägermeister wherever they went.

"Piña Colada paaarty!" Peach hooted with her hands raised high and her half-filled drink spilling everywhere. "Let's go to the beach now!"

"No—Peach, please get down from the counter or you'll hurt yourself!" Zelda called out to her, letting out a frustrated sigh as she tucked away a sweaty stray strand of hair stuck on her face. It was implausibly ridiculous that she was treating a grown woman—a princess no less, as a child.

"Bitch! No, let me go!"

"Peach, you're gonna make us fa—!"

Zelda landed painfully on the ground, thankful for the fuzzy overpriced carpet that cushioned her fall. Peach was right next to her, laughing wildly and demanding that they do it again. Zelda ran a hand through her aching head, disbelieved that the blonde princess appeared unscathed from the accident.

Samus was slamming her glass on the table, holding her stomach in uncontrollable fits of laughter. Zelda grimaced at the woman and snatched the drink away from her hand. Typically, Samus' quick instincts would have prevented her from the successful snag but she was too intoxicated to even realize that her drink was missing. "Hey… I wasn't done with that!" she blared after about four seconds. "Give me my Kamikaze back, you tur—" Samus felt an abrupt sense of nausea and instinctively cuffed a hand over her mouth.

Snake, seated right next to her, hurriedly snagged the empty ice bucket from the table and brought it over to the woman. Samus hurled almost instantly, and Zelda was grateful to have identified another Brawler who wasn't as hijacked as the rest.

"Ugh, fuck—that didn't feel good," Samus moaned.

"Ike… Snake," Zelda called out, turning to face the two. "I think I might need a little bit of help getting these ladies to the car. I could help you guys out with Link, Mario, and Marth later."

"No need, your highness," Snake replied with a wave of his hand. "We've got those bastards covered."

"But we'll surely help you out with Peach and Samus."

Zelda gave them a small smile and nodded in thanks. She and Ike gripped tightly on both of Peach's arms who was wailing like a wild monkey, crying out that she did not even get to try a single Piña Colada. Snake threw Samus' arm over his shoulder and escorted her out like how he would a wounded soldier on the battlefield.

It took her and the two other known sober people in the entire clan a whole forty minutes to bring each person to the car safely. By 'safely', they meant—literally shove the drunk bodies into the back. With everyone finally in the car, Zelda waved over to Ike for a safe drive which the mercenary mirrored with his own words. From there, the two began their long and expectedly troublesome drive home.

Ike was grateful for the space within the Cadillac Escalade since he didn't have to worry about the whiskey-fueled men's annoying squirming and backseat brawls. The drive to XYLO earlier was a pain in his ass and he didn't dare imagine how the drive back home would be like.

Snake rode shotgun, unwilling to be dragged into the thriving chaos that had been happening in the back ever since they left. They had just exited the underground parking when Snake felt a sturdy solid object hit him by the lower left of his head. "Ow! What the hell are you shitheads doing back there?!" he roared, picking up the object that happened to be an empty bottle of Budweiser.

Marth was struggling to keep his laughter at bay. "Link was t-trying to hit—He was, was trying to hit Mario! B-But—! He fucking hit you instead!" he said in between laughs and heavy breaths, holding on to his chest as if he was going to have a heart attack.

"Is that a Budweiser?" Ike glanced at the bottle Snake studied under insufficient light. "What the—! If Master Hand sees any bottles in this car, we are going to get so screwed." He sighed heavily and steadied his hands on the wheel. The car came to a stop at a red traffic light.

"Such bad aim for someone who uses a lot of weapons," Snake growled, soothing the area where the bottle had hit him.

"I just didn't see you there!"

Mario sneered. "Yeah? Well ever think of applying your weapon mastery on Zelda?" Marth grabbed hold of the driver's seat ferociously as he and the others shared a snigger.

"For your information, Mr. Butthole," Link declared as he held up a wobbly finger to emphasize his point. "Princess Zelda is so into me."

"Really?" Ike joined in the conversation. "Then why haven't you two even kissed yet?"

The lot at the back let out whoas, and Snake simply remarked that Link was just being a pussy.

"Screw you guys—she's my best friend!" Link bellowed, feeling defeated at the overwhelming buzzed cheers.

"Bullshit! We know you love her!"

Marth's scream earned him a heavy punch to the shoulder. The rest of the men relayed their own ways of encouraging him to confess his feelings.

"Well, you've got to admit—there's no hiding that."

"Come on, Link. Just say it! Pour out your heart, man."

"Yeah, prove you're not a pussy."

Link bawled in his seat. His shirt was stained with the dried amber ales and he had a tear on his right sleeve. Fortunately, Marth was just as drunk hence paid little to no attention on such. Link felt his head swerve side-to-side as the car climbed to an overpass.

"Psh—fine! I love her, okay?!" he blurted. This effectively caught everyone's stare except the driver who kept his focus on the road. He continued, "I loved her ever since I saw her trapped in that stupid tower. I loved her ever since she came to Smash! I love her so much I wish we weren't just stupid friends! There, are you retards happy now?!"

Marth and Mario cheered at their comrade's drunken confession, giving Link hearty pats on the back and tight bear hugs.

Ike quickly glanced over at Snake, who was tinkering with the dash camera. "You got all that?" he asked.

The soldier smirked, "Every word."

The ride home was far from steady and Zelda felt so relieved that they were only fifteen minutes away. Fifteen fucking minutes with these two whackjobs who kept tugging her hair, kicking the seats, and messing with the stereo. You'd guess things were pretty chaotic for Zelda when the most peaceful thing for her was the silenced radio.

"ZELLIE!" Peach's sudden outcry caused Zelda to hit the brakes hard, the woman almost flew over to the front if it weren't for their seatbelts.

"What?! What now, Peach?"

"H-Hurl now! NOW!" Quickly, Peach unbuckled the safety belt and jumped off the car barefoot, heaving over some random resident's freshly mowed lawn. Zelda climbed off and held her hair up, slowly rubbing her friend's back in small circles. She scanned the surroundings and hoped no one else had witnessed the gruesome scene. When Peach seemed she had nothing left to disgorge, Zelda helped her stand and escorted her back into the car.

"Oh, Zellie, you're so sweet," Peach hiccupped, drinking from the bottled water Zelda offered. "Makes me wonder even more why Link wouldn't fuck you."

Zelda tried to calm the abrupt increase in her heart rate. She said nothing, turning on the stereo at minimal volume.

"Peach, you cunt," Samus meddled. "That's not how you ask Zel that question! The right way is: Zelda, why won't Link make love to you?"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "That's exactly the same damn question."

Peach and Samus shared giggles. "I know right! You're so stupid, Sammy!" They sang loudly to the song on the radio—Kelis' "Milkshake". Zelda immediately regretted turning the stereo back on but tolerated their chanting as long as they kept their legs beneath their own seats.

"Woohoo! Link wants Zelda's milkshaaake!" Peach blurted and Samus hollered in approval, both were writhing and dancing uncontrollably in their seats.

"You guys know we're just friends, right?" Zelda said. "It would seem… inappropriate to stir such romantic interests in our relationship."

Samus stared at her, incredulous. "And from where did you dig up that bullshit from? We just talked about this!"

"It's not that—all I'm saying is that Link may not reciprocate what I may have been feeling. I don't see any signs or hints at all. I may as well not bother or I might just end up regretting it."

"You'll regret it even more if you don't do anything!" Samus pointed out, her tone sounding oddly serious. "I've seen more romance between you two than Wario with his cash and drugs. There's no denying he doesn't love you—like you, at the least!"

Zelda was taken aback by her drunk friend's sudden genuine and strong opinion on romance and her relationship with Link. She sighed, slowing down the car at a stoplight. "Yes, I do love him," she finally admitted. "I loved him ever since. I fell for him the moment I saw those ethereal blue eyes. He is so kind and brave and I—I wish we weren't just friends anymore."

The cheering escalated into excited squeals of merriment. Samus and Peach hugged Zelda from behind and she had to remind them that she was driving, although she did very much appreciate their supportive gesture. The two women then began mumbling and giggling with one another, as if they were naughty kids who were keeping secrets from their parents.

Zelda smiled to herself, cheeks still a deep shade of pink. "They'll forget about this tomorrow anyway."

The Escalade parked by the side of an empty public park. Snake convinced Link to go pick some flowers for Zelda, concealing his underlying intention for a smoke break. Ike exited the vehicle and stood beside Snake, watching the three drunks play around like four-year-olds in daycare.

As the park grounds were very moist and mushy due to the remnants of the rain, someone—that is, Marth inevitably slipped onto the mud and dirtied his entire garb, causing Ike to groan in both shock and frustration.

"Oh my God, Marth! You can't get in the car with all that mud on you!"

"Yeah? Well, catch this!" Marth yelled out as he slung a mud ball towards Ike but hitting the smoking mercenary instead.

"Hey—what the hell!" Snake growled, looking down at his gray shirt now painted with a massive slap of brown. "Marth, you dimwit."

"You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" The Altean prince ran around the slide and swings, bumping into Link who was making a mud angel.

"Hey! My snow angel! It's ruined," Link sulked.

"It's a mud angel you buffoon! Snow angels are white!"

"You racist fuck!" Link, in a hefty fit of laughter, tackled the man to the ground. "Mud wrestling!" he suddenly declared.

Mario joined in the fray, slinging sludge balls all over the place, including towards the two sober fellows. Albeit Ike only had a bit of soil staining his shoulder, Snake was not as fortunate and was covered all throughout his torso to his lower body. Grumbling, he took off his shirt and mumbled for Ike to start the car. He threw away the extinguished cigarette and marched his way towards the three.

Ike's voice almost croaked when he cried out—startled that the door violently swung open and three bodies were flung inside. Link and Marth had tears in their eyes from laughing way too hard. Mario massaged the aching back of his head before slowly climbing onto his seat and putting on his seatbelt. He ignored the two bastards beside him who kept at their incessant drunken hijinks.

"You okay?" Ike asked, pursing his lips to stifle his chuckle.

Snake said nothing as he grumbled onto his seat and adjusted his seatbelt. "Argh, these dumbfucks ruining my clothes—I bet none of them would even remember how incredibly stupid they've been acting."

"Heh. I'll remember."

"Just drive, Ike."

It was past four-twenty when the girls had finally touched down their destination. After Zelda had parked the car and walked barefoot towards the elevator that would bring them to the main lobby, Samus and Peach were holding on to each other, stumbling between wobbly walks as they laughed the air out of their lungs. Zelda could only look back at the two with heavy eyes that begged for rest.

"How do you two still have so much energy?" Zelda asked, genuinely surprised and concerned. "You guys have been up longer than I!"

"One, we didn't drive and two, you didn't drink hard enough!" Samus beamed. "Come on! Let's make jello shots!"

"NO. Please, no more drinking. You both already look like a sorry mess."

"Boo! Killjoy!"

"We still have to wait for the boooys! Boys! Boys! Boys!" Peach chanted, her voice at a perilously high volume echoed throughout the spurious halls.

"Peach! Not so loud, please," Zelda hushed. "Master Hand could wake at any moment and punish each of us, severely."

"Aw, what's he gonna do? Spank us?"

As they stepped out to the lavish foyer of the mansion, the Cadillac drove by on cue. Ike parked the car on the back parking where the other larger luxury SUVs were usually displayed. It was a small trivia that had come up in their Christmas party last year that Master Hand was a car-enthusiast.

"Oh, Ike! Thank Hylia you're all here safely," Zelda rushed to his aid, dragging the heavily buzzed Link off his seat. The conspicuous soiled appearances of the drunken men practically begged for Zelda to ask, "What happened to everyone? Why do they all look like they fell off a ditch?"

Snake sloppily jumped off his seat and before Samus could even blurt out an "Ooh la la", the Hylian princess interjected, "Snake—? What happened to your clothes?"

"Your prince charming happened," Snake grumbled as he slammed the door and assisted Mario out. "Mud-wrestled in the park with Marth and Mario—wasn't aware I was part of the party."

Zelda curled a brow, inquisitive. Snake pointed towards the slumped Link's hand that gripped two freshly-picked tulips: one was white and another, yellow. What in Hylia's name—? Where—? How? Zelda didn't know where to begin with the questions. When Snake saw the look she had given, he suggested that they bring everyone in first before initiating any explanations.

Peach's sudden appearance startled Mario enough to a more sober state. "Did you all go to the spa without me?!" she shrieked. This time, Ike and Zelda had to shush her.

Just then, a loud thud that rivaled Peach's thunderous voice was heard from the back. Marth's unmoving person was lying face-first on the cold marble floor. Samus, Mario, and even Link bit on their knuckles to avoid blaring out their collective laughter.

"Hey, Marth… Is you dead?" Link grinned, poking him on the head.

Ike couldn't remember how many times he groaned this day. A passed out Marth was the last thing he needed right now. He picked the prince onto his back and turned towards the group mumbling, "As you all can see—I am now preoccupied with roommate duties. Sorry if I'm bailing on you guys," he shifted his focus towards Zelda and Snake. "But I'm just really exhausted and I just really want some sleep."

"We understand, Ike," sympathized Zelda. "Take care of Marth. I'll handle Link, Snake can assist Samus, and Mario—" They turned around only to find that their red-clad comrade and his fiancée were nowhere near.

"They went to the kitchen," Snake said. "Thought it would be a good idea to sober up before they sleep."

Zelda simply nodded and Ike went on his way through the dim halls, thanking the group once more for their understanding and for having enjoyed the company. "We should do parties more often," was what he had last said.

Snake sighed, empathizing with Ike's fatigue. "Zelda, I'll just bring Samus over to her room now before hitting the hay myself. Good luck with Link. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thank you, Snake," Zelda smiled. "Good luck with Samus as well. I'm pretty sure she's already been a handful."

"This woman?" he asked, glancing at the blonde who still managed to look downright stunning despite her makeup being smudged all over. She's a handful in bed all right, he told himself with a smirk. "It's not the first time I've handled her. We'll be fine."

"Surely. All right. Good… uh, morning?"

"G' morning.

…

I have been incredibly busy lately, and the delay must have infuriated you guys—again, I am so sorry for that. Anyways, this story's nearing its end. To make up for my delays, there'll be a bunch of Zelink and Snakus fluff in the next chapter. Again, suggestions are whole-heartedly welcome! Thank you guys for all your support! Do leave a word or two.