A child's scream jerked him from the most beautiful dream in which Rey had smiled at him and then kissed him. Sitting bolt upright, Ben took in his surroundings. He was sitting on the ground in the garden in front of his childhood home on Chandrilla. His perusal of the scene was cut short as his eyes landed upon a familiar scene.
Blinking disbelievingly, Ben hauled himself to his feet and drew closer to the spot where he saw and heard the memory of the last moments he ever got to spend with his family at their home.
"No! No, please!" Tears spilled down his round, youthful cheeks as he clung to Leia's hand. "I don't want to go! I don't want to be a Jedi, why can't I just stay with you!"
Han stepped forward and knelt before his ten year old son. "Hey, kiddo, you know we want that too, but you are a Jedi. It's your destiny to be greater than any of us. We don't have what it takes to help you." Brushing a soft black lock of hair from his son's forehead, Han smiled sadly. "Luke can help you. He can teach you things that your mother and I can't."
"But I don't want that! I don't want to be a Jedi!" Ben insisted almost desperately. "I just want to be a pilot, and fly around the galaxy in the Falcon with you and uncle Chewie!"
"I know kid." Han said earnestly. "My life seems pretty great to a ten year old, but the truth is, it isn't the kind of life I want for you. You deserve better." Han cupped his son's cheek gently. "I'm just a kid from the sewers of Correlia who had to pick his own last name. But not you. You're the son of a real live Princess and the last Prince of Alderaan... you deserve better than the life I've had. The Force saw fit to make you a Jedi. It wants you to grow up to be a guardian of peace of hope in the galaxy. You can't learn that from us. Only Luke can teach you that."
"Your parents feared you." Snoke's voice rang clearly in his mind, causing Ben to jerk fully around where a new scene greated his eyes, "That is why they sent you away."
He could see himself as a teenager, carefully tightening a tiny screw into a circuit board no bigger than the tip of his thumb with a driver so tiny he hadn't even been able to see the screw around the tips of his fingers. "They wanted to help me become a Jedi." He said stubbornly. "So I could have better than them."
"Better than them?" Snoke laughed into his mind. "What could you possibly want that they - two of the wealthiest and most famous and powerful people in the galaxy - couldn't give you?"
Setting the circuit board down carefully amongst the bits and bobs of machinery that would soon be his first lightsaber, Ben looked up abruptly from his task with a glare distorting his young features. "Nothing." He spat bitterly.
Luke's voice cut through his mind and Ben turned away from the scowl on his younger self's face,"Life isn't always about what you have, or what you can get." Luke said slowly. "It's about what you can do to improve the lives of those around you."
Now he saw himself, his new lightsaber in hand as he enthusiastically swung it's humming blue blade at a rather bored looking Luke Skywalker. Continuing his lesson, Luke went on, "The Force is an energy given off by all living things, and that energy is shaped by the feelings of the beings that feed it. When I was your age I didn't even know I had the Force, or even what it was, but I always felt a sense of unhappiness, like a blanket of darkness wrapped around everyone and everything I encountered. I was so used to feeling it that it felt like a natural part of life. It wasn't until the fall of Palpatine that I started to feel that sensation being replaced by that calm feeling of peace and contentment that we feel all around us now."
Ben hadn't argued with his uncle at the time, but even as he watched from this strange state of being he knew that he had never felt such a feeling as Luke described. No, Ben Solo had been born feeling a pervading sense of gloom, what his uncle described as a blanket of darkness. He hadn't argued, but looking back now he realized he should have. He should have spoken up and told Luke that he felt the darkness coming from everything. That he had a dark voice constantly in his head feeding him doubt and suspicion.
Regret tore through his entire being and the scene shredded before his eyes, leaving him blinking back tears.
In the darkness of his moonlit hut, Luke was standing over his sleeping form, the Jedi Master's one remaining human hand outstretched, his eyes closed in concentration. Because he had lived this moment he knew that the young man on the uncomfortable cot, who looked so serene in slumber, was actually having a horrific nightmare in which his parents, his uncles, everyone he cared about were trapped in a burning temple made of glass. He dreamed he was on the outside, unable to move or talk, his hand stretched toward them, frozen, helpless to do anything to save them. He'd wanted to scream, to extinguish the fire, to save his loved ones, but he couldn't, all he could do was watch as they writhed in agony while flames licked at their flesh and set their hair and fur aflame.
In the still silence of the hut Ben's eyes snapped to Luke, he saw the exact moment Luke's hand darted to the lightsaber at his side. He watched as Luke's green blade erupted from the silvery handle. He heard the loud humming hiss as Luke's arm jerked toward the ceiling. and he watched as the madness melted quickly off of his uncle's features. He saw Luke lower the lightsaber and stare at it in shock and horror. He saw his own eyes pop open and watched as his younger self turned to take in the scene of Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master, standing over him with his blade ignited, a look of shock and horror plainly written on his face, both emotions emanating from him like wind from a hurricane. He saw as the other him reacted instinctively, grabbing his own blade and pulling the roof down upon them all.
Ben ducked as the stone hut crumbled around him only to realize he was standing in a lush forest, at mid day. He glanced around and his eyes fell on the image of Snoke. The tall humanoid looked disgustedly down at the crown of Ben's dark head as his voice incongruously crooned in a gentle, understanding manner, "You see now that you were right to be suspicious of your family's potential to betray you."
Snoke's long fingered hand caressed the nape of the younger Ben's neck sending chills through the older Ben's spine even while a fiery jolt of pure hatred shot through his heart. If he had known then what he knew now he'd have used that lightsaber hanging from a hook on his belt to cut Snoke down then and there.
"I do, Master Snoke." Younger Ben said in a voice made rough by tears.
"Don't" Older Ben said, stepping toward his younger self and the alien that would be the source of his torment for the next six years.
Intent on pulling himself away from Snoke's malevolent grasp, Ben reached out and grabbed the back of his younger self's tunic.
A jolt like lightning shot through him and he was thrown backwards, landing in a heap of broken bones and agony. Lightning split the darkness, flashing far above as he stared up from the depths of a black abyss. Far above he saw the sky turn into a lightning field as the entire cliff face above him was illuminated by thousands of strings of lightening that shot into the sky from near the rim of the pit. He'd managed to arrest his fall, for the most part, but he had sustained a lot of damage from his impact with the top of the cliff he now found himself contemplating. He was pretty sure most of his ribs were shattered and his hip and femur dislocated if not outright broken - it was hard to tell with so much pain all over his body. He had barely managed to drag himself to his hands and one good knee when the lighting changed around him and he knew that the lightening had found a new target now.
Panic spurred him on as he limped to where he spotted a good set of narrow ledges that started not far above his head and ended just shy of the top of the pit. With Herculean effort he managed not to scream at the pain in his back and ribs as he pulled himself up to the lowest of the ledges where he momentarily collapsed onto his back and gulped in several shallow breaths. With a groan he pulled himself up using the cliff wall and reached for his next step towards the top of this cliff.
Though his body protested, Ben forced himself on, using every ounce of the Force he could muster he did his best to heal some of the most painful spots even as he climbed toward what he was pretty sure would be his death.
The thought of what was happening above kept him moving when all he wanted to do was give up and accept his fate. But he couldn't do that. Not with Palpatine alive and well. Not while Rey was facing him alone.
As if that thought had caused it, the light suddenly went out, plunging the pit into darkness, and Ben could feel as Rey's presence faded rapidly until it disappeared completely. Screaming her name, he turned all of his focus to getting to the top as quickly as he could, not even taking the time to breathe and recover before plunging ever upward ledge by ledge until he finally reached the top.
The sight that greeted his eyes was as horrific as it was expected. Rey lay not far away, crumpled in the dirt, unmoving.
Not allowing himself even a moment of reprieve, Ben stumbled and crawled, and dragged himself over to where she lay with her eye staring vacantly at nothingness.
Awkwardly, he pulled her into his lap.
Her eyes stayed fixed and unfocused, her chest didn't stir, and he could not feel her in the Force at all. panic suffused his body and he glanced around, hoping beyond hope to spy someone nearby who could help.
But nobody was there, even if there had been, nobody could bring Rey back. She was beyond help now. It would be impossible to bring her back.
Hugging her to him he rocked gently as his mind refused to grasp the concept of having to live without her. From somewhere in the darkness of his despair he heard his mother's voice whisper in the back of his mind, "Nothing's impossible."
It occurred to him then that thought he hadn't been dead, he'd been pretty close to it when Rey had healed him on the ruins of the Death Star. He wasn't quite sure how she'd managed to heal the wound she'd inflicted when she'd impaled him with his own saber, but he knew he had to try.
Blinking back the tears he pulled her away from his chest and settled her across his lap. Placing one hand on her torso he closed his eyes and for the first time in six long years he consciously tapped into the light side of the Force, begging it to allow him to heal her as she had healed him.
With his whole being he willed her to live. to breathe, to wake up and be alright. An eternity seemed to pass before suddenly her chest expanded and the cool touch of her hand landing on the back of his jerked his eyes wide with wonderment.
Recovering as quickly as if she were waking up from a dream, Rey scrambled into an upright position, never taking her eyes from his.
Joy surged through him even as a strange lethargy pulled at his limbs.
"Ben." she whispered as a brilliant smile lit up her face.
In his whole life he'd never seen anything as precious and beautiful as her smile. Part of him wanted to weep for joy, but most of him was just too busy savoring the feel of her feelings washing over him while his own overwhelmed even the pull of the soul deep weariness that grasped at him with clawing hands.
Her smile slowly turned to a searching gaze that danced around his face, landing on his mouth and he felt her hesitation give way to a giddy sense of daring as her face shot toward his, intent on kissing him. He met her half way, his arms coming up to pull her close, wanting nothing more than to somehow melt into her being like an ice cube into a glass of water.
It quickly became evident to both of them that neither had ever kissed anyone before and Ben felt a tinge of embarrassment mixed into the jumble of emotions that swirled though him. Shock, disbelief, relief, and joy had him so overcome that for a moment all he could do was stare at her as Rey slowly backed away with a shy smile on her lips and such a hopeful expression in her eyes that his heart seemed to falter for a moment before it stuttered back to life and a grin spread across his face. He couldn't even want to suppress the happiness that glowed out through his smile and reflected back at him in hers. A soft chuffle of delight escaped his lips before his heart stuttered again.
The smile faded from his features as pain shot through his chest and his heart stopped beating. Afraid that he may never see her again his eyes locked onto her face before the world went black.
With a gasp, Ben woke up in a darkened room. The sound of quiet weeping drew his gaze to a figure curled into itself in a tight ball on it's side.
He could have felt who it was from a hundred light years off, so it was no difficult feat, in spite of the darkness of the room, to identify the tiny figure.
Rey.
She was weeping, alone in the dark, in a tiny room with only a cot and box of belongings. He could feel her grief so strongly that he had no choice but to close the distance and take her into his arms - but when he reached for her, his hands passed through her like smoke.
"Rey." He said gently.
As if she heard his voice, Rey whispered his name back to him.
"Don't cry, sweetheart." he said coaxingly, trying once again to touch her, this time to stroke her hair, but failing to be able to do so.
"I miss you so much," She whispered into the darkness.
"I'm here, Rey. I'm right here."
"I'm so sorry, I failed you." she sobbed.
"You never failed me!" he said urgently. "You could never fail me!"
"I'm so sorry." she repeated several times then went back to sobbing quietly, her whole body shaking with the force of her grief.
Ben didn't know what to do. He wasn't sure if she heard him or not, if she felt him or not, but he couldn't leave her - not when she finally fell into a fitful sleep, not when she woke the next day and took her box of meager belongings aboard the Millennium Falcon, not even when she'd flown to Exogul and muttered to herself for hours while she searched the ruined Sith temple amid the rotting corpses of thousands of Palpatine's adherents who had perished with her in the wake of Palpatine's ultimate defeat.
That was what it had been like the first time he had woken up to find himself witnessing many of the worst experiences of his life before reliving his own death and then being thrust into the mortal realm for as long as he could manage before his energy drained so far he would feel as though he was dying again only to wake up back into the nightmare of his own past.
It was a vicious and cruel cycle that plagued his very existence. And yet, it was a cycle he knew he could stop at any time by just not climbing that cliff. He didn't have to, but time after time he dragged himself up from the abyss just to be able to see her smile at him, to feel her kiss him - to spend one more day with her in the mortal realm even though he was unable to interact with anything in it.
When he was with her, he didn't feel alone, he didn't feel isolated or lonely. He felt whole and almost peaceful just from being near her. Whatever the cost he paid so frequently, he knew it was worth it for every moment he got to spend just watching her live the life he had given back to her the last time she had ever seen him.
The love he felt for her grew every day as he watched her struggle to balance the needs of the galaxy against her own need to seek out a way to bring him back to life. At first he'd been thrilled and so proud of her determination, but as the years wore on, he'd come to appreciate the reality of the heavy toll the quest was taking upon her. He never saw her smile anymore. Not even the fake smiles she used to give her friends when they'd express concern for her well-being. Every time he came back to her he noticed that she had faded just a tiny bit more, it pained his essence to realize that she was slowly becoming a mere shadow of the bright light she had once been in the Force.
Recently he found himself hoping that she would just give up on him and contemplating the thought of not climbing the cliff. Would it change things if he didn't make the climb? Would she still be alive? Or would she be dead, too? He didn't know - and that's what kept him climbing even though he genuinely wanted her to stop driving herself ragged in an attempt to find a way to bring him back.