Hello All!

I am sorry about the long wait for this. It took me months to get this chapter to paper. I had a bad case of writing block. Bad case.

So please don't kill me!

I will try to be better, but I am a horrible update.

So here you go!

Chapter 4:

Mystery of One Self

When Jim woke, he was horrified to realize that he was completely alone. He despised the feeling and longed for someone to come in and sit with him. He didn't realize how used he had become to someone sitting at his bedside whenever he found himself in the medical Bay. They didn't have to say anything. They could just sit there, and he would be happy. For a while, it had been Doctor McCoy and Spock, and even if all they did was lecture him, he had to admit it was nice just to have them there. It felt nice to know that there was someone watching over him, protecting him.

Shaking his head, Jim pushed himself up into a sitting position, as he looked around. He recognized his private room as he had been in the medical bay so often that Bones felt it necessary for him to have his own room. The Captain in him knew the real reason as they didn't need the crew to panic at the sight of the injured Captain. Granted, Jim was sure him almost dying could and would have done that.

Jim could feel the joints in his spine crack as he sat himself up in the bed. He wondered for a moment if his legs were strong enough to support his weight, but remembered that falling on the floor was the least of his worries. Bones would throw a fit if he caught him out of bed, and he would probably hypo him, leaving him to drool on the floor. This time Jim was willing to risk it.

As if Bones could read his mind, the good Doctor made his entrance into his room. His eyes were drilling into Jim, seeing his legs over the edge of the bed. "You better get your ass back in that bed, Jim," he said, his accent heavy. "I didn't save your life just for you to kill yourself."

Jim let out a chuckle. "Oh, you know me, Bones. I never make it easy."

Bones gave him a stern look. "Oh, I do, and we need to talk about that."

The Captain let out a sigh, not wanting to hear another lecture from the Doctor. He knew it was coming, and his best friend did have a point, but he wouldn't change a thing. Yes, he may have done some very stupid things, but he was never going to be sorry. He would always be willing to risk his life for crew. "You're going to yell at me, aren't you?"

"You bet your ass, I am," he replied. "You gave us all a really good scare!" McCoy was angry. "How did you think you dying would help anyone? Tell me, Jim. Do you ever think anything through?"

For a moment Jim wondered if he should feel insulted. Looking into the worried eyes of his best friend, he knew McCoy had a point. "How's the ship?" he asked.

Bones gave him a look. "We're heading back on impulse power and that's all I know. Don't ask anyone else because I ordered everyone to give you limited information." He snapped, stepping to him. He ran the medical scanner over his best friend. "Now sit still."

Jim left out a harsh sigh. "I am not child," he uttered, annoyed. "And this is my ship."

"Then stop acting like one," Leonard replied back, giving him a look. "What were you thinking, Jim?" he asked, as he ran the scanner over Kirk. He narrowed his eyes at the readings on the screen. "Do you realize what would happen if you died? Did you really think about what would happen to the ship?"

Jim didn't need nor want to hear this, because he knew exactly what would happen to his ship if he died. After all, he was the Captain. "Scotty can handle the ship."

McCoy looked up from the scanner and gave Kirk a nasty look. "Don't make me hurt you."

"Yeah, but what would become of that oath you doctors take?" Jim shot back. "You know, first do no harm."

The Doctor snorted. "That wasn't the oath I took."

Jim let out a harsh sigh, hating where this conversion was heading. He didn't want to fight with Bones, not when he was right. Jim knew he should have gone to the medical bay after beaming aboard. It was extremely stupid to go without medical attention when he was bleeding. It would have helped no one if he had died from blood loss on the bridge. "Are you sure?" he asked, teasing. "No, you have to be, because you would be breaking that oath every time you treated me."

"Ha Ha," McCoy mocked. "Very funny, but you're lucky that you haven't driven me to killing you. I could get away with it too, because I can say you drove me to it."

"I want to say that no one would believe you, but…" Jim put on a big smile as he pretended to weigh the air in front of him with his hands. "We all know they would. I'm surprised that Pike hasn't killed me yet."

McCoy smiled. "You know we have bets to how long it takes Pike to snap and kill you."

"So are you winning?" Jim asked, eyeing him as he laid back. "If so, what are you going to win?"

The Doctor let out a laughing sigh. "I've already lost," he snorted out. "I thought Pike would have killed you months ago."

Jim let out chuckle. "You have little faith."

"I just know you too well, Jim."

The Captain eyed the Doctor. The man knew him so well that there were times that Jim thought Leonard could read his mind. "So how long have I been out for?" Jim asked, as he stared up at the ceiling. His arms were folded across his chest, as he tried to remember what exactly happened. He wasn't feeling any pain, but his body felt almost alien to him.

"Four days," McCoy quietly replied. "It was bad, Jim." He paused, as dread fell on McCoy's face. There was no doubt that the situation was worse than the Doctor was willing to admit. "I can fix a lot of things, but death isn't one of them, and you almost died." Jim could hear McCoy's southern accent become thicker as he spoke. Since the day they met, Jim knew his accent would always get heavier the more emotional he became.

"I'm sorry."

Something in Bones snapped as he heard those words. "You're sorry? Is that all you have to say?" Anger in the Good Doctor was always a scary thing, and only a fool wouldn't take McCoy seriously when he was like this.

Jim took a deep breath, as he struggled with finding the right words. He knew what McCoy wanted him to say. It was the same thing that Spock always wanted to hear. It was funny to think how much Spock and McCoy were alike in that matter, though neither side would ever admit that. However, Jim had no interest in lying to either of them just to tell them what they wanted to hear. He knew he would never change and would always risk his life for this crew. More importantly, they were his family, and he would do anything for his family.

McCoy gave him a look like he knew exactly what was going through Kirk's head. "Will you just be careful, then? It's too hard to train a new best friend."

Jim let out a snort as he pushed himself up. He was about to swing his leg over the edge, but the look McCoy gave him stopped him. "O, come on. I'm fine."

Bones narrowed his eyes at Jim. "You almost died, Jim. You have to rest. No, you need to rest, and as your Chief Medical officer, I can order you to that, which is what I'm doing right now."

Jim forced back his groan as he fell back down in bed. "For how long?"

"Until we get you back to Earth."

"You're killing me."

"You're killing me," Leonard replied. "But man up, Jim. It's only four days."

Jim could feel his eye twitch, but he knew Bones was correct. As he lay back down in bed, he could feel the muscles in his body protest, and he knew McCoy was right. But right now, he had no interest in sleeping. He never had any interest in sleeping, nor in dreaming. If he could take pills that knocked him out cold, he would. Ever since the terrible attack that shattered his universe, his dreams had been nothing more than nightmares. "Fine, but if Scotty commands this ship into a black hole, it's on you."

McCoy let out a sigh. "I think you're confusing him with you."

"Ouch," Jim replied, pretending to be hurt as he laid his hand over his heart.

"Don't worry, Jim. This ship is in good hands," he replied.

Jim knew he was right, which was why he trusted the Chief Engineer who was now his First Officer, but there was something off. Something just didn't feel right. He didn't know what it could be, and it was driving him crazy.

Bones smiled. "And you can talk to Saavik while you're up. That Vulcan is like anther Vulcan we know. She likes to hover." He said.

"What?" Jim uttered.

*O*O*

Spock had kept to himself ever since the incident, refusing to acknowledge anyone who tried to talk to him about it. He had no interest in ever addressing it before the special tribunal, which the Vulcan didn't care about. He wasn't worried about the outcome, considering he could lose his rank. He just didn't care one way or another, as it truly did not matter what happened to him. To say that it did would be admitting that he was emotionally compromised, and it was something his Vulcan side refused to do. Wherever he ended up, it would change nothing. As long as his skills were used, it didn't matter where he was located. To a Vulcan, he just needed to be useful.

It didn't matter if he was allowed to remain in Starfleet or reduced to working in some private lab. It didn't matter if he was testing human blood samples for iron deficiency or finding the cure to some rare incurable disease, as the only thing he cared about (Besides Jim) was using his brain and showing his worth. Even if it was illogical and shameful to admit, he enjoyed learning. He enjoyed solving complex problems that no others could do. He wouldn't mind spending his career at Starfleet Academy. He had taught a few classes and could admit to himself that he enjoyed it.

It might be better if he wasn't stationed on the Enterprise, as everything on this ship reminded him of Jim, making it difficult to function without thinking about his former Captain. Even now after all of this time, he still had not gotten the loud, frustrating, blond haired, blue-eyed Captain out of his mind. There were times when he found himself replaying in his mind every interaction, looking for all the clues that he had missed. There were so many…

The Vulcan had been relieved from duty the second the Enterprise's course was set to Earth. Spock wasn't concerned or shocked when Pike informed him, because he expected it. He had broken quite a few regulations and was surprised at how the Admiral reacted, considering he went against orders. Officers had been thrown in the brig for doing less, and he wasn't sure if it was good or bad that he was currently confined to his quarters instead of being under arrest.

Instead of worrying about the possible outcome, Spock was focused on a project that he had been working on in the labs. Pike had not completely taken away his access, allowing him to check on the status of his current experiments. He was currently scanning through the data that he collected. It would take him a few days to review the entire amount of information. Focusing on all the statistics allowed him to block out everything around him.

He had become so focused that he didn't notice when Uhura had beeped his quarters and entered without permission. He didn't notice her until she was a few feet from him, but Spock didn't flinch when he looked up. He stared for a few seconds as his jaw locked in place, and his eyes narrowed at her.

He didn't know why she kept coming into his quarters, trying to tell him how to act, but he had enough of it. The human woman had become "a pain in his neck". A phrase his mother had often used when dealing with some of her relatives. When he had asked her what the phrase meant, she had explained that it was a human expression that described people or objects that had become a source of constant irritation.

"Spock, what are you doing?" she asked, her eyes drilling into him. She was clearly upset as she placed her hands on her hips.

Spock knew the answer she wanted, but it was none of her concern. She didn't need to worry herself with his business, especially when she had other things that required her attention. "I am analyzing the data from-"

"Spock!" Uhura yelled. "That isn't what I mean and you know it!"

Even if the Vulcan was horrible at reading emotions, he knew the woman was angry. "Nyota," he uttered, turning away from the monitor.

"What the hell were you thinking? They might dishonorably discharge you from Starfleet! Is that what you want?" she all but yelled. Her hands were balled at her side, as her face was crunched up in anger. Her whole body was shaking. "Did you think about how everyone else would feel when you almost killed yourself?"

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

Uhura's eye twitched as it clearly wasn't the answer she wanted. "Spock."

Spock could hear the anger and pain in her voice, but he did not- would not regret his actions. It was true: the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few, and he would never feel regret for saving the lives of others. It was at that moment that he was struck with the realization: he was becoming Jim. It was exactly how Jim justified his actions whenever he had done something risky.

"What about Kirk?" she snapped, when the Commander did not respond. "What would he say if he knew?"

Anger flashed inside of him at the name of his former lover. He couldn't understand the purpose of everyone bringing up Jim lately. Jim Kirk wouldn't change anything, and it only made him feel empty. It only made him feel like he was losing everything all over again. "Captain Kirk would have most likely agreed with my actions," he said. It was one of the reasons why he did not have any regrets. In some sense, it was how he remained close to the hotheaded Captain, who would always risk his life for others. It was the only way he could feel close to Jim again, and it was a feeling that he wouldn't give up for the world.

"Maybe so, but he wouldn't want you to kill yourself!"

Spock eyed Uhura, who was glaring at him so strongly that he wondered if she was trying to intimidate him. "As Captain Kirk is no longer my Captain, he would not have been informed of my death, and he would most likely not care," he replied, ignore the rising emotions in his chest.

She looked like she had punched him in the face at sound of his words. "You can't believe that. You know he cares. He just can't…" She drifted off, staring off into his eyes.

"In either case, it does not matter. The opinion of my former beloved is no longer relevant, nor will it hold any weight at the tribunal."

Uhura gave him a hard look. "You better hope you don't get discharged, because then Kirk's opinion might matter, especially when you see him," she snapped. "I hope he gives you an ear full."

Spock wanted her to stop mentioning Jim's name. He wanted her to stop talking about him, as it did nothing for his aching heart. If it were possible, he would purge all of his emotions through the ancient traditions, but he didn't need to attempt that passage to know it would fail. He would never be able to completely rid himself of his emotions. One did not simply rid themselves of their feelings for their T'hy'la. "Then his opinion does not matter, as our paths will not cross again."

There was a battle in Uhura's face as she was trying to find the right words. "Are you just going to roll over and give up?" she asked.

His eyebrow rose, unsure of what she was referring to. "Are you referring to Captain Kirk? Or are you speaking about my hearing?" he asked. "In either case, I am ready to receive my punishment. I have disobeyed orders and have shamed my rank by my actions."

"Spock," she sneered. "You're just going to give up? What kind of response is that?"

The Commander did not understand why Uhura had so many issues with his response. He disobeyed a direct order, and he would face the consequences. "I will accept any punishment that the Admirals give me."

"And there's nothing I can do to get you to fight for your rank? To fight for yourself?"

"No," he said, turning back to the monitor. "There is no reason to fight."

"You know Kirk would never allow you to do this."

Spock glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. "Captain Kirk has no say in this."

Uhura's fists were balled at her sides, and it took everything she had not to snap at the Vulcan. "Fine, be an idiot, but I am not going sit around and do nothing!" With that, she turned around and took a step to the door. Without turning back, she added, "And for the record, I am glad you're okay, but this is crazy and you know it."

There was a part of him that wished Uhura wouldn't care, but there was another part that was grateful she did. However, her statement worried him, and he couldn't help but wonder if she was up to something.

*O*O*

Jim gave Saavik a look, not buying the garbage she was saying. She had entered his quarters under the impression that she had figured out what had caused the disruption in the cores, but she never mentioned them. Instead, she had brought a tray of food, which happened to be topped with everything that Bones had ordered him to eat. She tried to explain that the food on the tray would help his recovery, but Jim could only stare at the pile of vegetables and other healthy foods.

"I must insist that you eat, Captain," Saavik said. She was standing straight on the other side of Jim's desk, not moving from her spot. Her eyes were focused on him.

"I don't know how I feel about you and Bones teaming up against me," he replied, leaning back in his chair. Every muscle in his body hurt, and his side still ached. Knowing he had no one to blame besides himself, he didn't say anything.

Saavik gave him a look. "If you were to eat it, Sir, there need not be any fuss about it."

Still staring at her, he picked up his fork only to poke at his food. He knew he was being silly, but nothing on the plate looked appetizing. He couldn't wait until he was back on Earth where he could enjoy a juicy hamburger and a big milkshake. "Logical doesn't work on me, Lieutenant Saavik," Jim said. "I think you should know this before you try anymore."

"You speak as if I did not already know this, Captain."

Jim's eye brow rose, as he eyed the Vulcan in front of him. "You have some jokes, don't you?" he asked with a chuckle.

For a second, Saavik's expression softened slightly as if to smile, and then returned to its stoic form. "I am speaking only the truth," she replied. "Your riskiness is widely known."

"Oh, is it? Then why did you take the post?" he asked, giving the Vulcan a look. "I thought my illogicalness would drive any sane Vulcan away."

Saavik's eyebrow rose. "You have already inquired about that, Captain. Sarek bel-"

Jim put up his hand to silence her. "I asked why you are here, not why Sarek thinks you would be a good fit," he said, remembering the conversion. This Vulcan—This Woman confused him to no end, and to his annoyance, no matter how much he tried, he could not figure her out.

She didn't answer him right away. "I am sorry, Sir. I am afraid that I do not know how to answer that. I joined Starfleet to explore new worlds and-"

"No," Jim said, interrupting her again. With a deep sigh, he added, "Why are you serving under me? Anyone with a brain would know that a Vulcan and me would not be a good match. I'm surprised you've lasted this long under me, since I have no idea how Commander Spock did it."

Saavik glanced down at the plate of food that Jim kept pushing around with his fork. "There is no other Captain that I wish to serve under, Jim. What makes you a good Captain cannot be defined by Vulcan Standards."

"So you like me for my craziness?" he chuckled. He chose to ignore the tightness in his chest at the sound of his first name. He didn't know why it got to him. It was the first time she had ever called him by his first name without a battle.

"Yes, Captain."

Just like that, it was gone as she switched back to using his rank, which only left Kirk more confused. "Not afraid that I will take you down with me?"

"No, I am not. Why don't you eat, Captain?"

Jim let out sigh. "You are almost as bad as Bones."

Saavik gave him a look. "Doctor McCoy is only looking out for your welfare."

The Captain let out a snort. "A hamburger never hurt anyone."

"Given enough time, I am certain you can find someone who had been injured by a hamburger," she replied, as she glanced up to Jim's face.

Jim's eyes twitched. "My crew is against me!" he whined, pretending to be hurt as he threw his head back. He knew it was the opposite. His crew, even only serving under him for a short time, believed in him and would follow his every command without question. They were loyal to him, even if they would not give him a hamburger.

Saavik's eyebrow rose to the scene in front of her. If she thought of him as a child, she didn't say it. "Sir," she started with a bit of hesitation in her voice.

"Yes?" Jim asked, straightening himself up.

"If you eat the food that Doctor McCoy has provided to you, I will obtain a hamburger for you," she said, remaining still. Her face was void of any emotion as she spoke. Jim stared at her for a moment and could see nothing that showed she was joking.

"Are you joking?" Jim asked, looking for any deception in her face.

"No, Sir."

Jim's eyes widened as a smile broke out on his face. Sure, he would have to eat this green shit in front of him, but this was a score. Spock would have never agreed to something like that, saying he needed to follow McCoy's instructions, but it seemed like Saavik was willing. "Really?"

"As long as you keep up your daily intake of vitamins and keep to McCoy's dietary instructions, a hamburger will not harm you," she said, still standing as stoic as ever. "…Unless you eat it too swiftly and choke, Captain, but that can be said about any nourishment."

"I love you!" he said, as he forked one of the items on his place. It was after he stuck the piece in his mouth that he realized what he said. Shit! He thought. "Shit," he uttered, staring at the Vulcan. "I didn't mean it like that!" He dropped his fork as he got to his feet. Panic started to flow through him, realizing the error he had just made. There was no doubt in his mind that Saavik was going to report him now. First, the hand touching and now this? He was screwed. "I mean as friend…Shit, I'm sorry! I say it to Bones all the time. I mean no disrespect. Shit."

Saavil's eye brow rose, but she didn't look insulted or disgusted. "There is no need to apologize, Captain."

Kirk would like to think he didn't ramble when he was nervous, but there were times that he did. This was one of those times. "No, but I do. I don't want you to think that-"

"Captain, would you like to play a game of chess?" she asked, changing the subject, as she finally moved her gaze. Her eyes were now on the 3D Chess Board that Jim had set up on the other side of the room.

It stopped Jim cold as he watched Saavik gather up the board and bring it back to the desk. "Chess?" he asked, his voice slightly shaking.

"Yes, Captain. I was under the impression that you knew how to play," she said as she set it up in front of the Captain. Once the board was completely set up, the Vulcan took a seat across from Jim.

Jim watched her movements. For a Vulcan, he had expected her to be insulted by those words, but it didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she seemed unfazed by them, which struck Jim as odd, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. "You're correct. I know how to play chess," he said.

"Are you opposed to a game?"

"I might be a little rusty, but I would never turn down a game," Jim replied with a smile. He hadn't played much, having only played once in a while with Chekov.

Saavik nodded as she made the first move. "I will not go too hard on you, Captain."

Jim gave a hearty laugh. "Oh, I see how it is. You're on, Saavik," he replied, grinning.

*O*O*

Playing against Saavik in chess was completely different than anyone else that Jim had faced. She wasn't as reckless as Chekov, who had a habit of sacrificing his pieces. She wasn't as logical as Spock, who would plan the whole game in his head before he made a move, but Saavik was still a worthy opponent. They had played three games and she beat him twice, but Jim wasn't discouraged. In fact, he enjoyed when he was down, because he enjoyed the fight back. "Best three out if five," Jim said with a smile as he reset the chess board.

"As you wish, Captain," she said, sitting up her own chess pieces.

Jim looked at the Vulcan. She was staring at him, and if he didn't know any better, she was smirking at him. Vulcans didn't smirk, but he could have sworn that she was giving him that look. Without really saying anything, she was teasing him in her own way. "Teasing me, are you?"

"I do not know what you mean," she replied, waving at him to make the first move.

The Captain laughed, throwing his head back lightly. He wasn't sure what it was, but she was easy to be around, even if he kept acting like an idiot around her. "Oh, you're on!"

Saavik watched him. She opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, there was a beep at Jim's comm. He put his finger up as if to tell her a minute, while he turned in his chair to his comm. Careful not to hit the empty plate, Jim reached over and pressed the button for the comm. "Kirk, here," he said.

"Captain, we have a hail from the U.S.S. Enterprise. Would you like me to put it through?" the Ensign asked.

Jim's hand dropped to his side, hidden from sight. His fingers balled into a fist as he wondered why he was getting a call from his former ship. There was no reason for it unless they were aware that the Providence was traveling on impulse power. Or it could be Admiral Pike checking in with him. Christopher Pike was always overprotective of Jim, while at the same time overly harsh. Jim loved and hated it. "Admiral Pike?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir. Shall I patch him through?" he asked.

Jim glanced at Saavik, who remained perfectly quiet. She had not moved and showed no interest in moving. Her eyes were on him, meeting his glance. "Sure," he said, turning back to the monitor. The Ensign clicked off to connect the call, and during this time, Jim turned to Saavik, "Let's see what this is. Hopefully, it's a quick call, and we can back to our game. I am so going to beat you."

Saavik nodded her head at the same time that the connection was put through. The smile on Jim's face died at the same time the perfect picture came through. On the screen was not Admiral Pike but Lieutenant Uhura. "Where is Admiral Pike?" he asked, shifting slightly. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Saavik stand up.

Uhura's eyes were only on Jim, and she didn't notice the Vulcan stepping into view. "I needed to talk to you, Kirk."

Jim narrowed his eyes at his former Communications Officer. "And you're using Admiral Pike codes," he said, taking note of the codes on his monitor. He didn't need to ask how she had gotten the codes because she was the communication officer. She used the codes whenever she needed to make outbound hails to Starfleet.

"I knew you wouldn't answer if I used mine," Uhura replied.

Jim's eyes twitched in anger as annoyance rushed through him. Why the hell did she do this? What was so important that she was risking a reprimand to speak to him? "What-" he started.

Saavik stepped forward, almost in front of Jim. "You have broken multiple Starfleet regulations, and Admiral-"

"Who are you?" Uhura demanded, cutting off the Vulcan. Her eyes wandered up and down the woman, studying her.

Jim's head was going explode as he watched the screen in front of him. Putting his hand up, he stopped Saavik before she got any closer. "This is my Science Officer Lieutenant Saavik," he said, looking up at the Vulcan. "However, she is correct. Admiral Pike won't be pleased." Jim eyed Uhura, studying the expression on her face. "Lt. Saavik, I can handle this."

Uhura narrowed her eyes at Saavik who was staring down at Jim with an interesting look in her eyes. "I need to talk to you alone." She stressed the word alone.

"As you have hailed the Captain under false pretenses, you have no right to demand a conversion," Saavik replied, giving Uhura the Vulcan vision of the stink eye.

Uhura was glaring. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but-"

Saavik's tone did not change as she interrupted Uhura. Her voice was a fine example of Vulcan calm. "You have broken Starfleet regulations. Lt. Uhura, rest assure a complaint-"

Jim put his arm up, silencing the two, as he let out a deep breath. Uhura may not be his favorite person, but he had no interest in letting this argument continue between these two. "I got this, Saavik. Can you please give Uhura and I some time alone?" he asked. He didn't really want to speak to his former Communications officer, but if she was willing to risk a reprimand and a possible demotion, he would take a few moments to listen.

Saavik stared at Jim for a few long seconds as if she wanted to protest. "Yes, Sir," she said, as she turned and stepped away from Jim. She walked slowly to the door and didn't say anything as she exited.

Jim waited until the door slid closed before he spoke. "So what do I owe this honor to?" he asked, his eyes lingering on the door.

"Kirk," she uttered, drawing back Jim's attention.

"Make it fast before I end this call and inform Admiral Pike about it," Jim threatened.

Uhura took a deep breath before she spoke, "You need to speak to Spock."

Jim would have laughed at her suggestion if she hadn't looked at him with such determination. "Why?" he asked, his tone anything but friendly. He was tired of Uhura pushing him back to Spock as if the past could be forgotten. Forgiven yes, but not forgotten. Maybe, down the line-way down the line, they could be friends again, but right now, he just needed time. He needed time to figure out what his heart wanted. His heart pounded at the sound of his former lover's name, and Jim didn't need to be genius to know what it meant. Yet that did not mean he was going to admit it. "Why do I need to speak to the Vulcan?"

"He did something stupid."

Jim's eyebrow rose at that. "And this is my problem why?"

"He could be discharged from Starfleet," Uhura yelled, slamming her fists down. "And he isn't doing a thing to stop it."

Jim narrowed his eyes as he racked his brain at what Spock could have possibly done. What could the Vulcan have done that would have landed him in this much trouble? Spock was a rule man, following regulations to a T, which was why Jim and the Vulcan argued so often. "Then it seems like you should talk to him."

Uhura glared. "I did, but he won't do anything! Maybe, if you talk to him, then he might do something."

"What did he do?" Jim asked, now curious. What did Spock do that he wasn't willing to fight for himself? Did he kill someone? Did he hurt someone?

"He broke the Prime Directive and disobeyed a direct order."

The answer sent Jim's mind into a tailspin. That wasn't like Spock at all. In all time that Jim had known the Vulcan, it didn't sound like Spock. Even if Spock wasn't a perfect First Officer, he never disobeyed an order. He remembered the countless arguments they had over the Prime Directive. Sure, he might find a way around them, if someone's (especially Jim's) life was in danger, but he never disobeyed an order. The Prime Directive was important to the Vulcan and would use that to guide him. "That doesn't sound like Mr. Spock."

"No, it doesn't," Uhura said, slowly, watching the changing expression on Jim's face.

"That sounds like me."

"It does."

Jim looked up, giving Uhura a look. "But what do you want me to do about it?" he asked.

"TALK TO HIM," Uhura yelled, frustration present in her voice.

The Captain let out sigh, knowing he couldn't face Spock. He just couldn't. During his healing, Jim had learned an important lesson: you have to fight for yourself. No one can fight for you. "I can't be the one, Uhura," he softly replied. Yes, he hated the idea of Spock being forced to leave Starfleet, but it wasn't his choice. Spock had to fight for himself.

Uhura drilled into Jim with her eyes. If looks could kill, hers came very close. "Kirk, get off your ass and talk to him. I am tired of this…" She drifted off as she waved at him. "Tired of whatever this was between you two. You each love each other! You need to get this over this!"

Jim's eyes were glaring as Uhura had no right to talk to him like this. No right at all, especially when she was hanging all over Spock not too long ago. Not since she was the one that had been the driving force that pulled them apart. Her remarks, her glares, the constant whispers… What right did she have to demand anything of him? "Get over it? I am over it, Lt. Uhura. It's you and him who need to get over it. And what he does or won't do is none of my concern anymore. He can do whatever he wants. I'm surprised the two of you haven't gone back to sharing quarters."

Uhura twitched, and her face morphed into anger. "You would let him throw away his career for doing what you would have done? How can you do that?!"

With a deep breath, Jim mentally told himself to calm down. "Listen, Uhura. You have no right to demand anything from me, especially when you used stolen codes to get this call. I'm sure Admiral Pike would love to hear about that." he snapped. "And you know what? I can't fight for Spock. He has to fight for himself like I did, and I'm still doing. I worked my ass off to get here, to come back and take command of the Providence. So you know what? He has to do that for himself."

"Kirk, you-"

"No!" Jim replied, coldly. "If you feel so strongly, then you talk to Spock and leave me out of this."

"He won't listen to me."

Jim wasn't sure what was going through his mind, because his heart did twinge at hearing Spock could lose his rank. But it wasn't up to Jim to decide what happened to Spock. It wasn't his job anymore, and if he kept trying, he would never move on. He needed to move on. They both did. "Not my problem," he replied, as he reached for the comm, turning it off. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. He didn't want to think about it anymore.

With a deep breath, Jim turned from the monitor and rested his head down on the table in between the chessboard and his empty plate. He closed his eyes, forcing a few long deep breaths. God, why is it so hard to shut the door on Spock? The Vulcan had broken his heart, shattering it into a hundred pieces. For a while, he lost track of who he was or what he wanted, but even with all the pain, it was a battle to turn away.

How could he let Spock throw it all way? How could he even think of doing that? "Fuck me," Jim whispered as he picked his head up. He turned back to monitor.

The End for now.

I hope you like this.

It seems like Jim doesn't know what he wants, Spock doesn't care, and that Uhura is sick of all the drama.

I would like to say I am not trying to bash Uhura in this. Not sure if I am doing her character justice or what, but I think she would do anything to help those she cares for.

Anyhow, there you go.