First of all, I want to say sorry. I know it has been over five month, but I couldn't find it in me to write. My muse seemed to have left me, and anything that I typed seemed to be forced. And I hate that.

So I am sorry that it took me so long. I don't know when the next update will be, but I will work better at being faster.

Please note this is not Beta-ed. I had sent it to her to proof this for me, but that has been over two weeks ago and I hadn't gotten anything. I am not sure what is going on there. However, here you go.

Chapter 5:

Damn Emotions

Though Jim Kirk wanted nothing else than to be in space, he couldn't deny the comforting feeling of the warmth of the sun against his skin. He couldn't deny how wonderful it felt to be kissed by the wind, even on the coldest of days. The bright colors of the land that greeted his eyes and the smell of fresh air and grass that filled his nose, and though he had and would visit hundreds of planets, none could ever compare to Earth. There was no denying that the Earth held a special place in his heart compared to other planets… Although he was impartial towards Earth, it didn't change his desire to blast off into space.

"Seeing Joanna today?" the Good Captain asked his best friend, as they stepped through Starfleet Headquarters plaza. Exactly as expected, there was a crowd of people out and about on this sunny day. Looking around, Jim could tell that on a day like this, some were finding hard to stay focused on their daily tasks for Starfleet.

"Yes, I am. How about you? Any plans, Jim?" Dr. McCoy asked, watching as his best friend closed his eyes and bathed in the sun.

There was a war ragging inside of Jim, and like a coin flip, he had no idea of where he landed. Having been through enough pain to last several lifetimes, he wanted to close out the Spock Chapter and open a new one. He wanted to move on with his life but couldn't seem to close that door. For some reason, he couldn't stop worrying/thinking about his former lover and how he could be dishonorably discharged. The idea that Spock would no longer be a Starfleet Officer felt like a stab to the stomach.

"Jim?" Bones asked, eyeing the stiffness in his best friend.

Should he allow Spock to throw away his life? To destroy his career? What good would it do if the Vulcan didn't fight for his own life? One of the few things that Jim had learned through it all: you had to fight for yourself. If you didn't believe in yourself, there was no succeeding. For the longest time, Jim had lost that fight and slipped into a downward spiral that nearly consumed him. It wasn't simple nor quick and took everything he had and more to break out of it. Even if he refused to see it then, there were times when he had been inches away from giving up. Now, he was stronger. "Yea?"

Bones looked at him, his eyes running up and down Kirk's body. "What's on your mind?"

Spock, the once tough as nails Vulcan hybrid was on the same downward spiral, but unlike him, it seemed like he had no interest in climbing out of it. Though he knew a lot had happened with Spock, this wasn't the Vulcan that Jim had fallen in love with. He wasn't the one who could lead others into battle and win. "Spock," he replied, truthfully.

McCoy's face crunched up as a frown appeared on his face. "So what about the hobgoblin?"

Taking a deep breath and opening his eyes, the blond looked forward and scanned the surrounding area. Like any other day, the plaza was packed full of Officers with different rankings, uniforms, and races. They all looked like they were on a mission, heading to some meeting or session. "Just thinking," he replied, not interested in explaining what truly was on his mind.

"About Mr. Spock?" he asked, his eyebrow rising.

After the chat with Uhura, Jim, having the authority to do so, looked up the charges against his former First Officer, and was shocked to say the least. The stunt the Vulcan had pulled was something that he would never suspect he was capable of doing. It was something only he would think of doing on a mission and get yelled at by Spock after being scolded by Dr. McCoy. "Just thinking," he replied.

Bones gave him a hard look. "Thinking? What about the Vulcan? Did he do something?"

Jim didn't answer McCoy, unsure if he could hide his emotions from the good doctor… Not that he was any good at hiding them. Now, as he found himself getting angrier the more he thought about Spock, he wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. How dare he give up without a fight? How dare he throw it all way just like that? Didn't he realize what he was doing?

"Jim?"

Shaking his head, Jim took off without looking back. There was only one thing on his mind. Yes, he was right when he stated that Spock's business was his own, and he wasn't concerned with it any more. However, he couldn't stop thinking about his former lover. He couldn't stop thinking about how much this rank meant to the Vulcan, even if he never admitted it. It was more than a rank, it was a career. It would be his honor and life's work. For that, Jim would do anything to help Spock, even if there was a large part deep inside of him screaming to never go near the Vulcan again.

*O*O*

Dressed in his finest uniform, Commander Spock waited outside of a large hall with Admiral Pike sitting next to him. Even with everything that was about to happen, the Vulcan appeared calm with his usual rigid posture. The same could not be said about the person sitting next to him. Though the Admiral was dressed in his finest grays, he was anything but calm with worry clearly written in his face. Spock wanted to tell his Commanding Officer that the outcome of this special tribunal did not matter, as either way, he would be alright. Even if he was stripped of his rank and forced to leave Starfleet, he would be fine as there would always be a purpose for him. He could experiment and research anywhere in the universe.

In addition it might be good if he left Starfleet and traveled back to New Vulcan, even if it was in shame and disgrace. If he did, he would be able to escape from the haunting memories that followed him from his time onboard the Enterprise. He could escape his past with her former captain, Jim Kirk. So maybe, it was for the best. His mind could be used for anything, like reviving his race.

"Spock," Pike uttered, as he turned to his First Officer. "What is your plan here?"

The Vulcan didn't respond as he didn't know how to answer him. For the first time in his short life, he didn't have a plan or set goal in his life. He didn't have a strategy for the tribunal. The only thing he had in his defense was the truth, which might not save him. It could be "the final nail in his coffin", as he had heard Jim say one time, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. If he were truly honest, he would do it all again. He saved lives and would never feel shame for that.

"Spock," he repeated, turning to him. His eyes drilled into the Vulcan, studying him. "I know I came down hard on you, but you can't just give up, Son."

Spock's eyebrow rose as he turned slightly to look at his Admiral. "It is impropriate for you to refer to me as your Son, Admiral. Please refrain from calling me as such."

Pike let out a harsh sigh as he leaned against the wall. Neither had any idea of what was being discussed behind the wall that was the Tribunal courtroom, but Pike knew it wouldn't end well if Spock didn't stand up for himself. "Mr. Spock," he uttered, bitterly. "Stop with the attitude and listen. You can't roll over and show your belly."

Getting to his feet, the Vulcan turned from his Admiral to the door. He stared at the imposing object, waiting for the call to enter. "I do not plan to show my abdominal region, though I am ready to face my punishment."

"So you aren't going to defend yourself?" Pike asked.

Spock turned back slightly, giving him a cold look. "There is no need to be concerned. I will speak the truth and nothing else."

Pike was about to reply when the door to the courtroom opened. For the Admiral, time seemed to slow as the door opened, and his heart raced. A deafening roar filled his ears. His palms were dripping with sweat as he felt a sense of dread overcome him. It felt like everything was falling down around him, and he didn't know how to stop it.

Snapping back to reality by the sounds of footsteps, Pike focused on the security officer at the door. With a neutral look on her face, the Officer moved aside and motioned them inside. No one said a word, as Admiral Pike and Commander Spock turned to the door and stepped through. Dread grew in Pike with every step, and he couldn't push back the feeling that this could be the end for the both of them.

*O*O*

Jim didn't know what he was going to say to the panel of Admirals. As he approached the Tribunal courtroom, the Captain froze for a few seconds, as it felt like everything that had happened to him was rushing back from all directions. He wondered again if this was his place to be, because Spock had made it clear to a few people that he wasn't going to fight the charges. There was no denying that he had violated the Prime Directive, but still, there had to be an exception.

This doubt made Jim wonder if he was ever going to put Spock behind him. If he went rushing to Spock's defense, wouldn't that mean he wasn't over him? That he still kept the door open for the Vulcan? Or did it mean the exact opposite and he was over him? Had he fully forgiven the Vulcan for his betrayal? The Captain wasn't sure any more. It felt like he had been shot in the chest with emotions, and he didn't know why. Did he want a chance for the two of them to reconnect? Or did he want it to be truly over? Why was his heart quaking at the thought of never seeing the Vulcan again?

Knowing it was now or ever, Jim went to the door, but before he could move his hand to activate the lock, it opened. Jim's hand froze a few inches away from the widening door. He didn't move as an angry person stormed passed him and down the hall. Even in his state, he could see the Admiral's ranking on his arms and collar, and after a few seconds, he realized the angry person was Admiral Pike. For a single moment, Jim wanted to call after him, but decided to wait. From experience he knew that it was best to wait for the older man to calm down before trying to talk to him.

A few moments later, Spock walked through the door, though in a much calmer state. Just like Admiral Pike, his eyes were forward, not paying attention to anything around him. He didn't notice Jim, who was standing still not too far from the door. It was like he was in a trance as he followed after Pike down the hall. Jim couldn't begin to guess what had happened in the tribunal, but he knew it wasn't good. Knowing Spock as well as he did, he knew the Vulcan had fallen on his own sword.

Snapping back to reality with a new purpose, Jim's confidence was back with a clear goal. He knew that he had to stand up for Spock, one of the best first officers in the whole fleet, with hopefully Officer Scott joining them. He knew his uninvited presence would not be taken well, but he was determined to say something in Spock's defense.

*O*O*

Jim knew most of the Admirals that were in the room. Barnett and Komack were glaring at him, though it was Admiral Marcus that made his heart skip a beat with his heated glare. Though he didn't know Marcus that well, the first time they had met he felt a cold chill. There was something dark in his eyes, something calculating.

"If you strip Commander Spock of his title, there's no doubt that we'll lose what makes Starfleet Starfleet, we will lose what makes us great," Jim stated, his eyes scanning the panel. When he first burst into the room, he was nearly kicked out on his ass. The Admirals did not take kindly to an uninvited Captain interrupting their meeting, and he risked getting reprimanded.

The only female Admiral on the panel gave him a hard, cold look. He had only heard about her after she had been promoted. After the Nero incident, several officers were given the rank of Admiral though Jim wondered if, unlike Pike, they had actually earned it. "You may very well have a point, but Mr. Spock broke the Prime Directive."

Jim understood why the rule had been implemented, but it still annoyed him. Life shouldn't be about rules and regulations; it should be about saving lives. It should be about goodwill and love… It should be about protecting the innocent. Okay, maybe he had his head in the clouds, but he didn't want to live in a world where you got punished for saving lives. "When I joined Starfleet, it was because I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to explore new worlds and life. When did Starfleet turn into something else? Isn't our mission to seek out new life and new civilizations? To be a peace keeping organization?" he asked, meeting all of their glances. "Are we all the type of people who let a race die?"

Komack, after everything that happened, was an ally in Jim's eyes, and at the moment, that thought was proven true. His eyes weren't as cold as the others. "Do you forget what the Prime Directive is, Captain Kirk?"

While it was true Spock had broken the Prime Directive, there was a part of Jim that had a hard time believing that he had actually broken that rule. "I'm aware of the Prime Directive, but you have to be aware that there are no set guidelines. You have to be honest with yourselves and admit that it's a judgement call. How can you judge someone on making that a call?"

Barnett leaned forward in his seat. "You're fighting harder than Commander Spock, and he isn't even your First Officer anymore. Why is that?"

"I can't fault Mr. Spock for risking it all to save lives," Jim replied, "It's something that I would have done." Despite skating with danger, he couldn't help but inwardly smile at the thought of Spock's actions. It was truly what he would have done.

"Then maybe the rank of Captain isn't right for you," another Admiral shot out, his tone anything but friendly.

There was no denying that the Admiral could be correct as Jim was a bit overemotional and relied heavily on his gut; however, it could also be said that it made him the Captain that everyone could be proud of. "A Captain has to rely on more than just rules and regulations. Sometimes he needs to rely on his gut instincts. A Captain is about his crew, and what he's willing to do to protect them. That's the same for a First Officer."

"But the Prime Directive was broken."

"There's no denying Commander Spock's actions, but when is the Prime Directive ethical? How do we decide to walk away and allow someone or a whole planet to die?" he asked. "How is that moral? How is that right?"

Marcus leaned forward as his eyes scanned over the only Captain in the room but reminded silent.

"You may have a point, Captain Kirk, but Commander Spock-"

Jim was having enough of this back and forth as these admirals just liked to hear themselves talk. "The Commander's record and achievements speak for themselves, and to strip him of that would be a blow to Starfleet in more than ways than one." He took a deep breath as he could see a few admirals ready to add their own opinions. "This is Commander Spock, one of Starfleet's finest, and he's a Vulcan, a race that runs off Logic. If he did what he did, then there's a good damn reason!"

"You seemed to have placed a lot of trust in him. Why is that? Do you know his reasoning? His thought processes?" Someone asked.

Did Jim trust Spock? When did that happen? Did something change? "You ask like you don't know. Shouldn't that have been one of your questions to Commander Spock?" He asked, trying to keep himself in check.

A few of the Admirals narrowed their eyes at him, almost shocked at his tone. "You trust him without knowing, Captain Kirk? Why is that?"

When Jim thought about it, he wasn't sure why either. He didn't know if he could exactly call it trust… though he did trust his professional side. He trusted Spock's abilities and his character as a Starfleet Officer. There was no doubt that Spock was one of the best officers in Starfleet, and with that in mind, there was no doubt that the Vulcan did what was needed. It still didn't mean that he trusted Spock with anything personal. Definitely not with his heart. "I trust Commander Spock," he said.

Every eye was on the Captain. "And why didn't-"

At that moment, Admiral Marcus slid back in his chair, silencing the room. His eyes were drilling into Kirk with such an intense look that he could not look away. "I think we've heard enough. If you may, Captain, can you please leave us? We have a few things to discuss."

Jim hesitated a bit, worried that his words hadn't been enough. He knew there was a chance that his words had fallen on deaf ears as Spock wasn't his First Officer anymore. His words were nothing to these Admirals, but he hoped that they had reached them in some way. "Thank you, for your time Admiral Marcus." He had to fight to get those words out in a calm and careful matter, as he wanted nothing more than to yell at everyone in the room.

Receiving only a nod, Jim turned from the Panel of Admirals and to the door. It was a moment like this that Jim wanted to drink, to lose himself in the deep burn of alcohol. Even if he hadn't taken a drink in over a year, he had an urge to head to the nearest bar and drink until he couldn't feel anymore. Though it would be the stupidest thing that he had done in a long time, the desire to drink his problems away was very tempting. Leaving the stuffy room, he decided the first thing he needed was a breath of fresh air.

*O*O*

Christopher Pike was a bundle of nerves, which he hadn't felt like in a while. He was growing more gray hairs with every second because of those two idiots. Between Jim and Spock, he knew he'd be bald and dead soon from all of the stress. The pair would be the end of him, and though he wished those two would come to their senses, he knew he wouldn't have it any other way. Even though he had no idea why he felt so strongly to those two knuckleheads, they meant the world to him.

Right now, he wanted to ring Spock's neck. How could he stay so calm about this? Okay, he knew that showing no emotions was the common state for the Vulcan, but this was different. He had accepted the worst and was no longer fighting, and that was driving Pike crazy. Was he really okay with throwing his career? Did he really think this would solve anything? Was he that stupid?

"So how's it going?" Sulu asked, breaking through the silence.

Both Spock and Pike had been waiting for the decision in complete silence in a small waiting room. Pike had been sitting by the window, staring out into the city, while the Vulcan was standing at the back wall. His eyes were closed as if he was in deep thought, and no matter how much Pike had tried, he couldn't get him to speak. After a few tries, the Admiral gave up and sat in silence.

"I assume it went bad," Uhura said, as she slid in next to Sulu.

Pike glanced up to them, knowing how close these officers were. He knew they were a family and this was killing them. "It went as well as you expected."

Uhura's eye twitched and Pike could see the anger in her face.

Sulu's eyes danced between the Commander and the First Officer, trying to read the tension. He didn't say anything for a few long seconds. "What's your read on the Admirals, Admiral Pike?" he asked.

The Admiral sighed harshly and didn't answer right away. Right now, he needed something to drink. A tall glass of something alcoholic because there was no doubt that this day would soon turn into a nightmare. "The Admirals were not impressed, and he didn't win over any of them with his words."

"I said what was needed to be said," Spock said, breaking his silence.

Pike turned slightly, giving Spock a hard look. "I know you don't see the point of knowing the art of flattery, but it's clear the Admirals did not take kindly to your words."

"They were words of truth," the Vulcan replied, eyes still closed.

Uhura let out a harsh sigh, not believing the situation at hand. "So he just pissed off the entire panel?" she asked, her eye twitching again. There was a sound of disbelief in her voice, even if she had expected this outcome.

Sulu took a deep breath, but he remained quiet, as he watched the interaction in the room. There would be no stop to the growing tension in the room until they learned the outcome of the panel, which was clear if Pike's gut was correct.

"If only you have-"

The door to the room opened, drawing immediate silence. Everyone turned to the door, waiting for the person to step through. It felt like they were sitting on needles as the person took his time entering. For some, it was like time had stood still, as everyone knew who it would be entering. The verdict would be in, and it would be one of the Admirals letting them know the outcome of the trail.

Pike could feel the temperature drop in the room as Barnett stepped in. Everyone focused on the Admiral, waiting for the man to say something. Every nerve was on fire, waiting for him to open his mouth. Sulu was positive he would fall down if he didn't get an answer soon.

Unable to take anymore, Pike placed his hands firmly on the arms rest of the chair and pushed up. He ignored the sharp pain in his bad leg, his constant reminder of Nero. Pike pushed off the chair and stepped toward Barnett. "Are they ready for us?" he asked, glancing at the door for a second.

Barnett shook his head as he met Pike's glance. "There's no need. The Admirals already made their decision, and they have left it to me to inform you." There was a slight smile on his face.

"Then out with it," Uhura said, unable to take it. Her eyes drilled into the Admiral.

"Yea, is Commander Spock being discharged?" Sulu asked.

Pike knew the officers should be following Starfleet regulations and stay quiet, but he knew emotions played more into this than anything else. Spock was part of their crew and had become a member of their family. With so many different outcomes running through their heads, there was only so much they could do. "Settle down and let Admiral Barnett speak."

The Admiral waited a few seconds for someone to interrupt before he spoke. "It's okay, Admiral Pike. I understand their concern, but please, rest assured that you still have your Commander, though he will receive some punishment."

Uhura's eyes widened. "What?" she asked.

Pike was also in shock, as he hadn't expected Spock to keep his rank. It was one thing to break a direct order, but it was another to break the Prime Directive and have no remorse. "That's a surprise, considering he lost the panel."

Spock closely followed Barnett's every movement. There was something different in his eyes as he tried to read the expression on the Admiral face.

Barnett let out a smile, almost chuckling. "Oh, he did. They hated him, and there was no doubt that Admiral Marcus wanted to make an example of him."

Sulu wasn't surprised at his remark. At times it seemed like only the most xenophobic officers, who had turned into cowards during the Nero attack, survived and were unfairly promoted to Admirals.

Pike narrowed his eyes. "Then how does he have his rank?"

"Because Captain Kirk has a big mouth on him," the Admiral revealed. "Came busting in and started spouting off. Got to say it though, Kirk has a lot of guts to come running in like that. He seems to have a lot of trust in you."

Spock's eyes widened as he finally took a step forward. In a rare moment, his sporadic emotions were presented on his face. "Captain Kirk was present in the meeting?" he asked, a slight disbelief in his voice.

"Yes, and he refused to allow you to be dishonorably discharged without a fight. Called you the best Officer in Starfleet," he said.

Besides Sulu, the Officers of the Enterprise were in completely shock, as none of them expected James T. Kirk to come to the rescue. No one expected the Captain to even know that the Vulcan was in trouble, but here he was, standing up for his former lover and First Officer, someone that he hadn't spoken to in a year.

Uhura inched forward as she stared in Barnett's eyes. There were words on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't seem to get them out. Her emotions were clearly written on her face. "He really said that?" she asked. "I didn't-"

"Where is Captain Kirk now?" Spock interrupted, stepping forward. The emotion that had flashed on his face before had disappeared, and its place was a determined look.

"He left shortly before the Admirals came to their decision," he replied. "I am not sure where he went."

Without another word, Spock was out of the room and down the hall.

*O*O*

James T. Kirk thought about giving up few times. Though he would never admit it, it was very tempting at times to just walk away from Starfleet. It was tempting to give into pain, just wanting it to go away, but every time the thought creeped into his mind, it felt like a betrayal in every cell of his body. Even though it felt like he was being stabbed in every part of his body, he refused to allow himself to give up. He refused to allow himself to fail and turn his back on everything that drove him to become the captain of the Providence. It would be worse than death if he lost everything that was himself.

Sitting at a bar, Jim leaned over the counter as he swirled a glass of whiskey. The ice rattling against the glass was an all too familiar sound. His eyes weren't focused, deep in thought, yet he was careful not to spill any of the liquid. He still hadn't touched a drop of the stuff.

He put the glass to his lips. The strong smell of whiskey filled his nose. Just as he was about to tilt his head back and let the amber liquid flow into his mouth, he froze.

Anger, guilt, resentment, and fear rushed into his head. The conflicting emotions stopped his hand, making him unable to take a slip. After a few seconds of holding the glass up, he lowered it and continued to swirl the liquid.

He wasn't sure what he had expected when he spoke on Spock's behalf, and he still hadn't figured out what he was feeling. Was he happy? Mad? Upset, maybe? He wasn't sure and didn't know how to figure it out. He supposed he could call Dr. Jones and talk it out over the phone, but he wanted to work through his emotions by himself.

Jones had helped him out in ways that Jim didn't think was possible. The Captain wasn't ashamed of his therapy, but he wanted to be able to rely on himself to get through things. If he wanted to be a good captain, he needed to be able to things for himself. He wanted to-

Jim took another deep breath as he lowered his glass. "How did you find me?" he asked, blowing out the breath he didn't know he had been holding.

Pike smiled softly as he took a seat next to the young Captain. "I know you better than you think I do. The first time I found you, it was in a dive like this. Remember that? You got your ass handed to you."

Taking yet another deep breath, Jim replied, "No, I didn't."

"You don't?" Pike asked, looking to the full glass on the counter.

Jim closed his eyes as he lowered his head slightly. "No, that's not what happened."

"That was an epic beating," Pike said with a smile.

"No, it wasn't," Jim replied, picking up his head and looking to the side.

"You had napkins hanging out of your nose. Did you not?" Pike said, meeting his glance.

Unable to stop it, a laugh escaped from Kirk's lips. He wouldn't have called that a bloody fight. At the time, all he could think about was the officers who had attacked him all at once. He did try to defend himself. "Yeah, that was a good fight."

"A good fight? I think that's your problem right there."

"What? That I don't give up?" He asked, pushing back from the bar.

Pike studied Kirk for a few long seconds. He observed every movement of the blond in front of him, looking for some kind of hint. "I thought Uhura said you weren't going to help. What changed?" he asked.

Jim's eyes widen as he stared at the Admiral. "How would you know about that?" he asked, trying to control his shock. Yes, he had threatened to inform Pike about Uhura's misuse of the communication codes, but he hadn't gone through with it. Though he did not approve of what she did, he couldn't fault her, considering how much she cared for the Vulcan. If he was in her shoes, he probably would have done the same thing; no, he would have done anything for him. He would do anything to save those important to him.

"It was that Science Officer of yours, Saavik. She informed me of what Uhura did, and let me tell you, she wasn't too happy about it. Although she would have to admit to having emotions first," he replied. He paused for the second, as his eyes drilled into the Captain. "But as I never heard anything from you, I didn't feel a need to reprimand Uhura."

Jim didn't respond right away, thinking about the answer that Pike was waiting for. He wanted an answer that Jim could not give. He wanted to know why he had changed his mind when he had said it wasn't his concern. "I just figured that Starfleet can't kick out the best," he said, as he got to his feet. "And… I… I think I will always protect him."

Pike was about to respond, when his communicator chirped drawing his attention. It didn't take long for the Admiral read it and for his expression to fall. "An emergency session at Daystrom. We better go," he said, looking back to Jim. There was a grim look on his face.

"Yeah," Jim replied, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread. The last time there was an emergency session, the Vulcan race had been nearly wiped out and Starfleet lost most of the fleet along with all of the officers on board the ships.

"Suit up."

The end for now:

Did you really think that Jim would let Spock discharged? :)

And the next chapter won't be soo happy. Poor Pike.