The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)
Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.
But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.
Note from the author: On to the party!
Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.
Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human
Chapter 3
I walked up the highly polished steps outside the fashionable Alcott Estates studio flats building with my heart hammering in my chest and my lungs inhaling more oxygen than necessary. Its times like these I'm glad there's an inhaler stashed in my purse or else things would get pretty ugly real quick. Pausing for just a moment I took in one big gulp of air and steeled myself for what may or may not be a nerve racking deathtrap.
Once inside the door I showed my invitation to the guard at the security desk. He gave it intense scrutiny, and then indicated that I should go up the curved granite staircase to my left and told me what flat number to look for. As I climbed the stairs the muffled noise of jazz music became louder and clearer. I say jazz because it was just the instruments, no vocals, and a really loud saxophone.
Eventually I reached the door of flat #P3. I lifted my hand to knock when the door suddenly opened and a woman no more than five years older than me with short red hair wearing a basic black tube stepped out. Her head was turned away from me as she talked to the man following her. I stepped to the side and out of her way as much as possible but she still stumbled into me. She twisted her head around with an ugly sneer painted on her surprising beautiful face as I was thrown to the ground with a soft thump. Rubbing my back as a small ache went through it I glanced up in time to see the evil eye she was giving me disappear into a slightly guilty smile.
If you read facial expressions as good as I do most of the time you would know that her smile most likely meant that I was pulling a face. Unfortunately it happens without my consent a lot, Sapphire tells me that I look like a kicked puppy and apparently this makes people feel guilty about whatever they've done to put the look on my face.
"I'm sorry about that sweetheart, here let me help you up." The woman extends her pale manicured hand toward me and easily pulls me up to my feet. Now with both of our hands still intertwined she gazed at me in mild curiosity before releasing my hand and walking away with her companion. I stare after them for a while before shaking my head and pushing myself through the door that she had just left slightly ajar.
Whatever I was expecting to see at a vampire party was forced out of my head as I walked in the attractive flat. Damn you twilight, it seems I really should have read the blue bloods series. At least I was dresses perfectly, even a little better than some of the other women here. The men were dressed nicely but not too nicely. Many wore jeans with button-down shirt and vests and a few more wore suits, sans the ties and coats. It was warm, somewhat inviting, and just sort of flowed.
I walked into what I assumed was the living room, which was right off the tiny foyer. The furniture was what you'd expect to see in any living room but it was brightly colored minimalistic in style. The art on the wall looked like it came right out of the museum of modern art, it was rich vibrant and tasteful.
Waiters, dressed in black pants with white shirts, circled with plates of champagne. Since I'd never really been to many parties I was a bit surprised with circulation waiters it gave me a little thrill in my stomach when one approached me. But then I realized that I didn't really have much practice with alcohol and didn't want to be completely trashed before I got a chance to make a first impression on the very-single-vampire-Kirwin-King, so I just shook my head at the advancing waiter.
I didn't know anyone at the party, which sort of made me uncomfortable which also made it really hard to socialize. I don't know why I hadn't thought about that before I actually got here, but whop there it is. I just walked in, fell in love with the lighting, and then had a mini freaked out internally as I realized I didn't know how to approach a stranger and just start a conversation.
At least it was easy to pick out the vampires in the crowd because of how noticeably paler they were compared to the tanned humans and freakishly attractive. Here this far down south, it was a pretty safe assumption to say that the pale people you meet are vampires, unless their tourists or college students. I'm a nice light brown but have a few pale friends so I guess you can't be totally sure, but since tan is "in" with thin, I suppose pale humans are a sort of rarity.
I didn't want to start a conversation with a vampire at the moment; should probably practice on a human first. I took a deep breath and decide to fall back on my retail roots and star a conversation about clothes or accessories with the first person I found standing on their lonesome.
"Nice cufflinks," I said to that tall, dark, and handsome loner leaning his elbows on the bar. Wait a sec, did I say tall? Wow, understatement much? I mean looming—no, that sound too ominous. He was, well, built like a fucking fort. He had to be six-foot-four or more. The man was all muscle—but not the Hi I'm on steroids type of muscly. You knew just by looking at him that he was build it was sort of distracting.
He had dark hair cut in a messy, contemporary style. He was dressed in dark jeans, a white button down shirt unbuttoned at the neck, and a black sports coat. He also had on the cutest emerald green teardrop-shaped cufflinks.
He moved his wrists to look at his cufflinks, almost like he wasn't sure which set he was wearing, then flashed me a blindingly white smile. The teeth against his deep tan were startlingly bright, but not abnormal. His eyes were dark, so dark they almost looked black in this lighting, and they shined with interest, intelligence, wit, and something else. He was storybook handsome. Just as I was contemplating what else I saw in his eyes, he spoke.
"Thank you. They're a family heirloom. I'm Minos King and I don't think I've had the pleasure."
Crap. Of course the first person I decide to spend my conversation time with also happens to be the parties' host, who also happens to be single, dateable, male, and attractive. He grabbed my hand the wrong way for shaking and the right way for kissing and pulled it up to his lips, never once breaking eye contact with me—and all I could think was 'creepy'.
"Alisia" I sort of half gulped, half huffed. "My—my name is Alisia."
He finished his 'too-long-not-to-be-sort-of-creepy' kiss on my hand and said, "Alisia, it's lovely to meet you. How do I know you?" He didn't let go of my hand. His voice was unique to say the least; it was like whiskey flowing over ice cubes—Hermes sounded better.
I smile and tilt my head slightly while looking up at him, "You don't—but your friend Hermes does. He sends his regards, since he couldn't make it—he has some business to attend to."
Minos laughed a deep laugh that for some reason sent unpleasant shivers down my spine. "Oh, Hermes had to work. Let me guess, money problems forcing him to work an eight to five?" I felt a little put out for Hermes sake the way the said it came out a bit rude, but him asking seemed sincere enough.
"No not today really. Hermes and his wife had a bit of family business to attend to from what I understand."
He looked at me with what could have been a slightly shocked expression before his face shifted into amusement. "A bit surprising. Hermes and I were once in business together I thought I knew him better on a personal level, that wife of his must be something. He put all of his proceeds into tech stock which subsequently tanked. So what is he up to now? Invest all of his money in more speculative stocks? "
No but it's not like I'm going to tell you that much; so instead I reply "Well…pretty much."
Minos laughed deeply and fully, he made it very hard not to want to punch him in the throat not everyone had good business sense. A few people turned to look at us. When he laughed, the corners of his eyes wrinkled in an attractive way that said I'm-just-old-enough-to-know-my-way-around-more-than-you-do. Of course, Minos was old enough to know about the original bird who'd got it on with a bee—or however that saying went.
"Wait a minute," I realized, "you're tan. How are you tan?" I took in his flawless skin curiously and wondered a how he could look so alive so human when he was supposed to be dead and less colorful.
"Airbrushed tanning is a wondrous thing, dear Alisia. I keep encouraging other vampires to indulge but as of yet, none have bothered. Do you like it?"
Did I like it. Ha! It was against my better judgement to think that he was fishing for compliments even if he didn't have a decidedly mischievous sparkle in his eyes. I think he was enjoying my discomfort at his decidedly Dumbledore like look as I shifted my weight form foot to foot. As I looked up at him again and lied through my teeth, "I guess you could say that I like it. It looks very natural. You don't look orange or anything at least. Some people come out looking like Oompa-Loompa's after an airbrush tan." Unfortunately you don't look dead either.
Again he laughed one of those full-throated laughs that sounded pleasant to my ears yet still for some reason set me uncomfortably on edge, it made me a little nervous. "I'm really not that funny, am I? I would blame your laughter on the alcohol being served tonight, but I'm not really sure what kind of effect it has on you."
"No, you really are that funny. By now most women would be on a potential sex-and-sugar-daddy mission trying to find out what kind of car I drive, what my disposable income is, what kind of woman I'm interested in, and what my bedroom sets threat count is. You aren't doing any of those things and it's refreshing."
Damn it man, I'm a fangirl not a gold-digger and last time I checked Kanye West and Jamie Fox weren't playing 'Gold Digger' for me in the background while I walk around looking for a man.
"Thank goodness, because I'm only interested in superficial, opportunistic vampire-humping women. Obviously, since this party is full of them." As he said this, he turned toward the room and snorted in disgust.
"Look at them," he continued. "All desperate to latch on to a vampire lover as if it's a status symbol. Vampires are people, not accessories."
I stood there, just a bit shocked at his raging humanity. Oh, that humanity it made him look a bit better in my eyes at that moment despite the creepy vibe he gave me, and despite the borderline rude things he said about my Hermes. Minos seemed startlingly enough to have a decent amount of humanity. I had no idea vampires felt that way and honestly, I felt a little guilty about thinking Minos was a rich jackass.
"You know, Minos, I think I know exactly what you mean about women using vampire lovers as status symbols because that's what men usually do to females. Do you know how many men I talk to in a day who can actually tell you my eye color? Pah, you'd have better luck asking them if they remember one of my tripping escapades."
He stared intensely into my eyes so much so that I was tempted to go back to my earlier assessment about him being undesirably creepy by feeling alone. I gulped a bit I couldn't tell if he was angry or…well, I guess furious. His gaze was heated and more than just a little frightening. "Alisia, any man who doesn't look you in the eye is not worth your time. You are a beautiful, funny, intelligent woman and you deserve to be treated that way. Men who are interested only in your physical allure are missing out on a truly remarkable person."
I was wary, and thought he was one hell of a sweet talker but gave in to the possible sincerity of the complaint. After all, I had been calling him creepy a lot in my thoughts but maybe that was just my cynicism talking. I'm sure my character judgement was a decently honed skill by now. "Thank you, Minos that really means a lot." I paused, thinking I should probably end this conversation on a high note before I stuck my foot somewhere it didn't belong. "I feel like I'm taking up too much of your time though. I should leave you so you can circulate. It wouldn't do for the guests to think badly of their host now would it?"
"I do suppose you're right although I wish I didn't have to. I despise these parties and I loathe circulating." He glanced around the room with a look of annoyance.
"If you dislike parties so much then why have them?"
"Do you know much about the Vampire Handbook?" His voice lowered slightly and his head bent closer to mine.
"In passing maybe, but really a handbook? You guys really need a handbook? No, what is up with the handbook?"
Minos snorts at my words. "It's more of a code of conduct. Because vampires live for so long there are certain rules that we've developed for ourselves."
"Dude, if your rules involve required party throwing then I'd have to say that's pretty cool. Now, if you were to also tell me that you guys are required to have secret meeting in the lost city of Atlantis then I'd say that's the coolest rule book ever."
"Ah, Alisia, if only it were so simple. The handbook dictates our hierarchical structure. It's treated by your government as the guide of a fraternal group, but in reality it's a vampire government."
"Oh," I interrupted him. "Your government anything like the one on True Blood? And the federal, human government doesn't mind?"
"No, where did you get that thought from?" he said sighing "Honestly, someone should really take that show off the air it causing problems." I snort at his comment and convey to him with my eyes to continue on with his explanation.
"Okay so the federal government doesn't mind. Vampires are magical creature and cannot be entirely controlled within the constraints of human law. Our government acts as a supporting government to your own but with special rules that allow us to enforce laws and punish vampires on a level they will better respect."
"I'm not sure I fully understand that explanation. Why can't the human government and legal system punish vampires enough to make them obey?"
"Between our strength, which is greater than a human's but greatly exaggerated by modern literature, and our blood-sucking capabilities, it's very difficult for human law enforcement officers and courts to contain and enforce our kind. Instead, we have a system of vampire governors and law enforcers who keep the vampire population under control."
"Okay, so I get that your spooky vampire government hands out ominous punishments and all, but what does that have to do with throwing parties against your will?" I ask puzzled and then it dawns of me. Minos is obviously some sort of criminal. "Oh, wait, is being forced to throw a party against your will a punishment for something? Is it like when someone threw that shoe at President Bush while he was on stage? The vampire law enforcers just take your worst fear and make you live it as punishment?"
Minos looked at me for a moment and then burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, Alisia, you are simply outrageous. You're an interesting mix of sophisticated or even quirky wit and innocent naïveté. No, I'm not being punished. Law enforcers are chosen by vampire vote. I am a law enforcer and my position is up for re-election in a few weeks. If there's on thing vampire society has in common with human society, it is that parties sway voters."
I felt bad, why did everyone I meet make my naïveté sound annoyingly endearing. "So this is the part of your campaign where you hold babies, shake hands, take pictures with the adoring crowds, and pretend that you aren't a politician, eh?"
"Exactly. I can never wait until it's over, though." He was taking a sip of the pink wine he'd been drinking when we were interrupted by a short human with a buzz cut. He was in his mid-fifties and his stomach reminded me of the pillsbury doughboy.
"Say, Minos, you got a minute? I've been having some trouble down at the shop, you know? I was wondering if we could discuss the whole VC issue for a minute," said the average sized man with no apology for interrupting my conversation just when it got interesting.
"Dionysius, of course. Excuse me, Alisia—duty calls. It's been a pleasure." He gazed at me intensely once again and grabs my hand. He brought it once again to his lips and I shivered—that's so freaking uncomfortable.
As my dropped back to my side and I turned away from Minos, I couldn't help feeling relieved and a bit vexed all at the same time. While his mere presence seemed to set me on edge our conversation was vaguely interesting. Oh, well…