The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)

Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.

But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.

Note from the author: …I want some cheesecake…So anybody got any ideas about who I should add to the story next?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.

Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human

Chapter 6

I woke up the next morning to the obnoxiousness that is "Who run the world girls" because I had forgotten to turn my cell phone off when I got in the night before. I picked up the phone with a grumbled, "Whaaz iit?"

"Alisia, this Jason. Can you come in today? Chelsea called in sick." It was my boss. Crap.

"Uh, sure, Jason, what time?" I didn't want to go in, no, I really didn't. Especially on Saturday, this, in a bridal shop, is like Resident Evil but with brides coming at you from every direction and no sentient computer to hold them back.

Like the infected, brides have one thing on their mind. "The Perfect Dress," cue dramatic music, they drone on and on with the same mesmerized but insistent tone favored by the living dead in the Resident Evil films. And make no mistake, those monsters will eat your brain if you don't make them look thirty pounds thinner and at least five years younger in a one-of-a-kind but completely affordable miracle dress that doesn't exist. But I could use the money and it would be real hard for me to come up with a believable lie, since I didn't have classes on the weekend.

"Cool. Be there at eight to open up." And then he hung up. Naturally. No thank-you at all.

I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail, put on one of my many iron-free skirt suits and a pair of my more formal flats, and drove to work. Once I got to the shop I fished my key out of my purse and opened the employee entrance. I put my bag away in my locker and headed out to the floor to start deflecting the piranhas.

The day progressed pretty slowly. Before I knew it, I was up to my neck in tulle, lace, garters, and crinoline. By six o'clock, as the sun was starting its descent, I was eagerly awaiting the time that I'd able to rip off my shoes and settle in to a Jurassic Park movie marathon.

Just as dark had overtaken the parking lot I noticed that Fuchsia Pink Nightmare Bride was back and she was back and she pulling fuchsia dress from hell off the rack. When brides come by the first time, it's a bit like window shopping. They're just looking, trying things on, and getting the feel of your stock. When they come in the second time you can be pretty sure that they've made their final decision on a dress.

Normally, it doesn't matter to me whether or not the dress the bride picks looks stunning to me while she's wearing it because, hey—it's her wedding. But in this case, The Fuchsia Pink Nightmare looked ridiculous on the woman and I felt that it was time for me to do my good deed for the day.

"Oh, Ms. Jackson, how wonderful to see you again! I was thinking about calling you because we got an A-line that would look amazing on you. "

"Why would I want to look at another dress? You can see that I'm reaching for this B. Mack Original again. Obviously this is the one that I want."

Now this was tricky business. I certainly couldn't tell her that she looked like a tulle-covered hemorrhoid when wearing that dress, but I still felt I owed her the truth—even if only by way of misdirection. "Oh, I see that, and it is a gorgeous dress, but this ivory dress would really complement your complexion. Don't you want to at least try it on?"

"If I didn't know any better," she looked at me with squinted eyes and twisted her body into a defensive posture over the dress, maybe I could burn it, "I'd think you were trying to talk me out of this dress."

It was at this moment that my boss, Jason, decided to interject. "Alisia, Ms. Jackson, is there a problem here?"

"I'll say there's a problem." Ms. Jackson turned to Jason. "This one," she said, pointing at me, "is trying to stop me from buying this dress." She accentuated every word with a little tug on the dress of her dreams, that ungrateful heifer.

Jason turned to me and said, "Alisia, maybe you should go to the back and take a break."

Shit, now I was in trouble just for trying to do something nice. I turned around and started to huff back to the employee area when I notice a tall column of black to my left. What do you know, it was the odd cigarette squinty guy from outside Minos's party last night.

He grabbed my arm gently as I walked by and whispered, "I need to apologize to you. Is there somewhere we could talk?"

"Sure, but if you're going to apologize please do it in a normal people voice," I whispered back to him. "Come on follow me."

He laughed and let go of my arm as I led him outside. Once we were outside the shop I turned around, rocking back on my heels. For the first time, I noticed that he had brown eyes. Not hazel or chocolate, but more like coffee brown.

He looked me up and down, slowly, eyes' lingering over all the areas a gentleman doesn't linger over. I let that go on for, oh, about three seconds before I decided to redirect. "Um, hi, yeah, sorry to interrupt whatever this is but you said something about an apology?"

His eyes stopped moving catching my gaze he delivered his slightly scripted sounding speech, his slightly gruff voice sending pleasant shivers down my spine. "Alisia, I am utterly regretful that I was so rude as to tease you outside the magnificent gala we both attended last night." Then he lifted my hand to his lips. "I do hope you can forgive my nicotine withdrawal-induced rudeness."

"No offence, but it doesn't sound like you mean it. I mean it, a lot of people have apologized to me over the course of my life…"

"Apologized to you because you're a self-indulgent little pouter or because they actually wronged you?"

"Okay, you know what? Forget you. Thank you for stopping by my job to waste my sort break, and be mean for no reason." I threw my hands up and started to walk off, then I turned around a bit confused. "How do you know where I work? How do you even know my name?"

"Oh, please, don't look at me with those eyes. I'm not a creeper and if I were, it wouldn't be you I'd creep on, itty bitty diva. I talked to Minos when I went back to the party and your name was mentioned." I frowned at that the guy couldn't just forget about my existence.

"Well, maybe it won't be rocket science for you and the creeper to keep away from me. Apology not accepted!" Then I turned on him and as I walked back in, I thought I heard the distinct sound of soft laughter.