When she wakes up Luke is sitting upright, his legs crossed awkwardly at the ankle as he and Finn drive dinky cars up and down the sheets. Luke is giggling as Finn makes strange car sounds, his lips vibrating in a soft raspberry.
"Dat not 'ow dey do it!" Luke cries jovially and Finn makes a face of mock shock and horror acting the part of affronted of appalled. He switches up making 'putt-putt' noises instead in a way that squeezes at Rey's heart a little.
Closing her eyes tightly she can almost pretend they're at home, she's asleep on the couch and Finn and Luke are playing on the car mat. Finn's better at kid's games, Poe is better at storytimes and boo-boos. They're both utterly perfect and Rey honestly doesn't know how she could manage without the two of them. It was weird at first, finding out she was pregnant. Having a baby, watching her best friends become fathers without a second glance or even an ounce of hesitation. Rey doesn't know what she ever did to deserve them but she covets their love like sand dollars found on a beach. Rare and fragile but steady against the waves.
"Fiiiiiiiiiinn." Luke whines in a way that means he wants something. Finn is a sucker for those puppy dog eyes and broad full smile. Luke knows it too, he only turns on the charm when he thinks he has Finn alone, "Wheres P-oe?" Poe's name comes in two parts, stuttered and sweet.
Finn simply continues making his car noises when Rey opens her eyes. Luke has his back to her but Finn has her in his line of sight, "Poe went to talk to the doctor for a minute, he'll be back soon though." he assures the little boy, the deeper meaning to his words, however, hit Rey square in the gut.
Luke seems to consider Finn's words carefully as he says, "Doctor kitty cat?"
It's impossible not to laugh, the sound falls from Rey's lips in a rushed outburst of air that starts breathy but ends in a chuckle. The sound of it draws Luke's attention, he's wheeling around on her quickly giving her no time to sit up before his arms wrap themselves around Rey's neck. "Momma!" he cries as she struggles against his affection. He's holding her steady as she tries to shift positions, sliding him along the bed with her.
She feels his forehead and then his cheeks with the back of her hand, glancing at Finn. He's idly toying with his little red pick-up truck running it along the bumpy sheets when she nods in his direction, "His fever feels like it's come down," she says to Finn lightly, eager for some form of good news.
"Yeah, an intern came by earlier to give him some more meds, they perked him right up," Finn tells her calmly but there's more that he's not saying.
"Which intern?" she asks as she slides Luke's little body up hers so that they're both sitting upright. Rey is sitting with her legs stretched out in front of her, her body curved around Luke's while the little boy settles onto her lap happily.
"Doctor Kitty Cat called 'im Ding!" Luke cries joyfully as he runs his little blue car roughly into Finn's truck and then squeals happily. He proceeds to chase Finn's truck around with reckless abandon as he takes over control of it too playing away happily with his toys.
"Kanata is still here?" Rey finds herself asking, Maz should have been off hours ago if the clock on the wall is correct. She's bouncing her knees a little so that Luke jostles on top of them, her hands winding idly through his thick, dark tresses. All she wants to do is touch him, to hold him, to keep him within reach. He's so happy it's hard to remember how sick he may actually be.
It's when Poe returns with Doctor Kanata in toe, reality does it's funny topsy-turvey thing and Rey feels the panic start to settle into her bones. Maz looks exhausted, as though she's been running a marathon that just isn't over yet. There's a pang of guilt there mixed with an odd sort of gratitude for the Cardio surgeons acute attention to her son's case despite everything else.
Luke is scrambling to his feet but Rey catches him around the middle. He's flailing against her hold groping madly for Poe as Poe approaches. It's a hard pill to swallow, watching him dive for someone else but as Poe gets close enough Rey lets Luke go and the little boy is swooped up in Poe's arms, clinging to the man greedily. In the end it's ok, Rey needs the opportunity to get up and stretch her legs. She's stiff from the hospital bed and the few hours of sleep she's managed to snatch from the day. Still her mind throbs, her eyes aching like someone is sitting in her orbital socket trying to push them out.
The fluorescent lighting is hard to take but she adapts quickly, grabbing at Luke's toes as he chatters away to Poe asking when he's going to get a snack and if they can go and check out the train down in the basement. The train isn't in the basement, it's a small set up at the nurse's station in the pediatric wing but Poe likes to take him there when they stop in to say hi. Poe bounces Luke around, sweeping him in wide circles as they lean their heads close together conspiratorially. It's nice to see, them so happy.
"Rey…" Maz says softly, her hand is at Rey's elbow as she leads her out into the hallway, "He seems… good?" the small woman asks softly. Her large luminous eyes look tired and worn as she pulls her glasses up to sit on top of her head.
"They gave him something to get his temperature down," Rey explained quietly as she rolls the sleeves of her sweater up her forearms bunching them at the elbows. She's speaking to Maz but her eyes keep flickering back to where the little boy and her two best friends settle into a game of dinkies.
Maz makes a noise of understanding as she nods softly, "And you?"
Rey knows she can't lie, not to Doctor Kanata. The older woman has a strange way about her, some say it's the gift of sight, some say she's just creepy but Rey has seen it in action too many times to discount its validity. Those deep hazel eyes flecked with a smattering of different colors like mossy marble dug up from deep within the earth.
Rey looses a sigh that causes her limbs to tremble just a little, "How am I suppose to be?" She asks with a rueful smile. Still Maz observes her, and Rey can feel it like the woman is reading her soul. It's intimate the way those eyes rove over her, see through her to the heart of her pain. "I'm so lost right now…" Rey says finally. Her back's against the wall as her feet slip out from under her. Maz doesn't shift, she merely treats Rey to a soft knowing smile as she lets Rey continue, "I feel so much right now and then there's this deep part of me that feels nothing at all like everything I'm feeling is cursory. I've watched this happen so many times I feel like that's all this is. Like it can't possibly be my kid that's sick…"
"Has Ackbar been back to talk to you about the marrow results?" Maz asks softly, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her lab coat as she watches through the open door. Rey knows she must be watching Luke, she can hear the way he laughs as Poe calls him a cheater. She can see it without having to use her eyes, the way Poe likely has Luke wrapped up in his arms like he's the most precious thing in the world.
Shaking her head Rey draws her knees to her chest and allows her chin to rest there a moment, "He may have been back but I've been asleep…" she admits softly, "I imagine he'd wake me up for something that important." Maz makes a noise of agreement as she continues to watch through the open door. Rey is surprised she can see anything with her glasses on top of her head like that but Maz is if nothing if not a wonder.
There's something there in the corner of her gaze, a glint of something curious. Like a knowing of the truth that makes Rey's blood run cold. She can't speak though she wants to. She can't ask what it is that Doctor Katana sees there because the truth of it may just well break her. It's frightening to feel so naked, to be so vulnerable when your truth is so much greater then the sum of it's more obvious parts. She wants to ask what Maz sees but instead she finds herself asking, "Hows… Han?" Pulling Maz's attention back to Rey's crumpled form sitting on the floor.
The soft smile shifts replaced by a half quirked grin and a grumble as she says, "Stubborn old goat, he's going to be the death of me." The fondness there is undeniable as Maz lets a soft sigh free, "I'm worried if we don't do the surgery soon we're going to end up with more complications. As it is his heart structure is mildly abnormal. Nothing too concerning but there's an extra artery going into one of the chambers and with the strain on his heart he seems to have developed an aneurysm." Rey nods. She knows in all likelihood it's information Doctor Kanata shouldn't be sharing with her but Maz is known to talk through a situation in order to better understand it properly. Like getting a second set of eyes to look over the problem only the second mind is still hers, she's just observing it from a different angle.
"And Leia?" Rey asks, pulling Maz from her mental focus, "She sought me out you know, found my at the nurse's station."
That gets Maz's full attention, "Did she now?" if she's upset she doesn't show it. Instead she seems to consider the implication, "She was rather worried about you. Ben too now that I think about it. You know him from before this?"
Ben's name brings a flush to her face Rey desperate to suppress. Happy to keep her face buried against her knees she looks up at Maz who is still looking passed the doorway and into Luke's room. The older doctor shifts on her feet some as she slips her thick-rimmed glasses back down against her nose, quirking her lips to the side.
Rey's response is a soft, "Y-uh Yeah - yes we met a long time ago." The offered information falls on ears that are only half-listening as Max tilts her head to the side. Nervous, Rey scrambles to her feet, moving to stand beside the doctor as she watches Poe holding onto Luke on outstretched arms. The little boy is laughing as Poe twirls him in circles while Luke lays across Poe's arms. He's flying him around the room like an airplane as Finn grabs at Luke's feet every time the little boy swoops passed. A peel of laughter fills the room with a giggle that sends a bolt of warmth flooding through every vein in Rey's body. It's a sound she has memorized, a sound that she holds onto closely, coveting the way it makes her feel and the comfort it brings.
"How long ago did you say?" Maz asks distantly and it takes everything in Rey not to react.
"I met him at a party in university," Rey offers but she's watching Maz who won't stop staring at her family. There's a feeling of uncertainty and fear what wavers through her because she can see the way Maz is taking apart all of the information presented. She wonders if the doctor has picked up on the boy's features that are almost too big for his face or the way his ears poke out just so beneath his shaggy mop of hair that is just a little too dark to have come from Rey.
There's a flicker of panic that sets in as Poe makes his way over to the doorway. Luke, still stretched out over Poe's arms as he zooms Luke up to Rey's face and the little boy giggles as he kisses his mother with a resounding smack of his lips. "Moooooommma." Luke chimes happily as Poe shifts him so he's sitting on Poe's hip in his johnny shirt and a pair of sleep shorts, "Can I 'ave icecreaaaaam?" He asks sweetly.
Poe of course ever the instigator chimes in with his own pleading, "Yeah can weeeee?"
Rey looks to Maz as the woman drinks in Luke's pale features and smiles. When she turns her attention on Rey she seems to realize it's her as the doctor who has been left to decide, "I don't see the harm, but I'm not his doctor," Maz quickly affirms raising her hands in the air, "I'll say yes," she says conspiratorially as she leans in close to Luke. Maz is a short woman who barely comes up to Poe's chest but Luke leans in as though they're blossom buddies about to share a secret, "But, only if you promise to bring me back some."
When Luke smiles, Rey's heart breaks into a million pieces. He's laughing as he throws his arms into the air in triumph, "Yeah! Momma want some too?" he asks as Poe bounces the boy on his hip the way he used to when Luke was just a baby.
"Please and thank you," Rey says softly, "I'd love strawberry."
Luke scrunches his nose, "Chocolates bet-er," he grumbles, "Doctor Kitty-kat, what kind you want?" ever the little gentleman, his hand holding tightly to his dinkies. Rey wants to tell him to wrap his arms around Poe's neck. He's so much bigger then he used to be when they'd carry him around this much but Poe gives her a soft smile and she backs down a little. Poe can handle it, if anyone can it's Poe.
"Why chocolate of course!" Kanata cries as she grabs Luke's toes lightly, "You might want to get some shoes on though, Poe can't possibly carry you AND the ice-cream!"
Luke seems to ponder on the merit of Maz's words before he grumbles, "Got no shoes," as though this is the most disappointing fact of all.
In a moment of genius Rey flits back into Luke's room to where her purse sits. It's not shoes but she does have a pair of socks in there that have been in there for weeks now. When she brings them to Luke. Maz helps shift them onto his feet easily as Rey disappears this time to find a pair of hospital slippers. It's not shoes but it'll do in a pinch. "You listen to Poe and come straight back here." Poe nods as he lets Luke slide to the floor and holds out his hand for the little boy to take. Poe isn't a large man, if anything he's resoundingly average but with Luke at his side he seems a giant. The little boy's hand is swallowed up as Poe tugs him along off and down the hallway.
As they disappear Rey realizes she has a hand clutching at her chest pulling on the fabric of her sweater. It's hard to let go of the tension, hard to let go of the apprehensive fear that settles in as she watches her heart walk out of sight. Maz has her pinned, eyes wide and curious as she says, "This would be easier with a family history you know," her words filled with a wise cadence that makes Rey incredibly uncomfortable.
"I know," Rey breathes out, "But, I don't know my background, the plight of a foster kid and Luke's father isn't in the picture."
Maz offers her a gentle smile when she asks, "No contact at all?" there's a softness in her voice that Rey only just recognizes. A knowing that is buried beneath a need to remain professional lined ever so delicately with the warmth of someone who truly cares. After a moment of silence and Rey tumbling through a myriad of emotions far too complex for her to pick apart Maz says, "It's none of my business," and Rey stiffens, here it comes, "I just want to say, things like this are often easier dealt with when there is family around."
"My family is around," Rey offers, her voice shaking just a little.
"Your family, yes," Maz reaches out and touches Rey's forearm. Her hands are soft but wrinkled as she gives Rey a gentle squeeze, "But not all of his. There is a good chance that little boy is very sick and you don't have to go through that alone. He should feel love, as much love as can be given him…" When her voice dies away Rey can see all that has been left unsaid and she shivers beneath the weight to it before Maz chirps, "But what do I know!" and gives Rey a harsh slap on the shoulder. "I have to go make sure my idiot interns haven't killed any of my patients, I'll be back in a bit to check-in."
"But, you're ice-cream," Rey offers.
When Maz smiles Rey can see nothing but mischievous intent lined on her aging features, "Oh yes! Tell Luke he'll have to eat it for me," offering Rey a playful wink and a wave over her shoulders Rey watches as Doctor Kanata too heads off towards the elevators.
Entering Luke's room she finds Finn asleep, his shoulders slouched, head hanging back with his ankles folded against the foot of Luke's bed. She can't blame him really, this whole thing has been exhausting and Finn and Poe have been saints through it all. Finn won't be able to take another day off work, she knows that and the thought of him not being there stings a little but she'll make due. Quietly she curls up on Luke's bed again, tucked in tightly on her side her hand pressed against the mattress that smells like hospital and the faint tinge of strawberries. The smell suffocates her pulling her into a soft blissfully empty sleep. When she wakes up, it's to her toes being tickled and the softest of giggles as Luke and Poe stand at the foot of the bed.
What happens next happens too quickly, one minute Luke is pulling at her toes and the next he's falling to the ground his body shaking uncontrollably. Finn is to his feet hurriedly as Poe manages to catch the little boy before he hits the ground and automatically takes control of the situation. Rey knows she's supposed to do something just now but she can't quite think of what exactly she's meant to do. It's one thing when a patient is coding and another altogether when it's own child laying on the ground seizing. She hears a groan that may have in fact have come from her own mouth, she's not entirely sure because everything that follows seems to flow in its own strained version of compressed time. Nurses fill the room all hovering around Poe who barks at them to back up, to move away. There's nothing they can do when Luke's seizing like this. Instead they have to wait for him to ride it out. One nurse a girl Rey knows as Aubrey is off like a lightning bolt the minute Poe raises his voice but when she returns Doctor Saunders is at her side.
Saunders isn't a kind man, nor is he a patient one so when he bumbles his way through the crowd he doesn't take kindly to Poe's making demands. Poe has Luke stabilized on his size as he continues to check his watch, the room around them growing stiff. Doctor Saunders is growling something about checking to see if Ackbar is still in the hospital but no one moves. Saunders isn't a doctor who Rey particularly enjoys working with, she would even go so far as to say she avoids him. He's notoriously condescending and has a god complex the likes of which Rey has never seen before. He also hates to be ignored so when no one takes heed he grabs Rey and hollers, "I shouldn't have to ask twice, go get doctor Ackbar!" She's not even sure when exactly she'd got to her feet.
Rey just stares at him, his hands are like cold steel as his dark eyes make demands she simply cannot comprehend. Poe looks wild but his position at Luke's side can't be compromised so it's Finn who reacts. Finn who doesn't trust doctors and hates hospitals. Finn who has been firmly protective of her since ninth grade.
"Get your fucking hands off her," Finn growls as he pushes himself between Saunders and Rey. Rey only barely registers the doctor's touch, her focus intently on Poe.
"How long Poe?" she says in a voice that's too small, and too weak to be her own.
"Minute thirty," he replies and it's all she can do to inhale sharply.
Saunders's hand is still on her and Finn looks utterly murderous by this point, "It's her kid you cunt, take your hands off her now," Saunders at least has the wherewithal to look ashamed of his actions as he draws away from Rey without an apology. The room is still and suffocating except for the rustle of Luke's body against the floor. When the movement finally stills, Luke's body quiet Poe's eyes go wide. He has his fingers on the boy's carotid and suddenly the room feels very small and very tight. She can't move, her body feels like lead and everything that happens around her is in slow motion. Saunders is pushing Poe out of the way as he calls out orders and the nurses move like dervishes. Finn has her pulled into his arms as she slumps down against the bed and Poe moves to join them.
When Ackbar enters Saunders starts to explain what happening. Poe pipes in giving what little information he can provide and then its Ackbar firing orders to his interns. Someone is talking to Rey about what they plan on doing. They're asking her if she needs anything if they can get her anything but the only thing she wants is her baby boy in her arms. That however is the one thing no one can provide.
Doctor Saunders lingers behind some, standing in the hallway with his hand braced on his neck. He looks almost sorry as Ackbar trails off after his interns and the unconscious little boy. Was he breathing? Did they get him breathing? Was he dead? He couldn't be dead… Rey's mind reels as Saunders enters the room looking oddly morose.
"Ms. Niima," he says with the air of a man who's found himself in the wrong, "I'm so sorry, I didn't…"
Finn doesn't let him finish. He's not a large man nor is he a particularly intimidating one on the best of days but Finn is fierce when it comes to his family. "You need to leave," He instructs pointedly as his eyes flit back over to where Rey and Poe are huddled together in a pile. Rey can feel the way Poe's arms shake just a little. He's muttering that he's sorry, they shouldn't have gone. He's blaming himself for this and it's all just too much.
When Saunders doesn't move, Finn shifts so he's standing between his family huddle and the doctor. Rey can see the way his shoulders are set in a line of determination, "You want to help," he seethes, "Go take care of our kid." Rey can't see Saunders's reaction, frankly, she doesn't care because none of this really makes any sense. Poe is rocking her, a hand in her hair as he shushes her softly. She knows she's not crying, her cheeks are bone dry but is that her making that noise? There's a soft keening sound that almost reminds Rey of the noise their foster father Luke's cats make when they can't find one another.
Time goes by in random spurts and still Poe holds her on the floor. Finn's nerves are shot so he's pacing wearing a rut in the tile. They don't force her to move they just let her be. This is unchartered territory for all of them so each moment is taken in stride.
Finally an intern returns, fresh-faced and hopeful. Either it's good news or they'd just been allowed to scrub in on something. Rey can't find it in her to play that guessing game. The intern, Landsberg explains that Luke experienced a build-up of pressure around his brain stem again. Ackbar had him sedated but wanted to make sure he would be ok so they waited until Luke came back around. They're bringing him down. Luke is awake and very confused so they need to be as calm as possible.
Rey wants to punch Landsberg but it's good news at least.
Or not, she doesn't know.
So they wait. Interns are notoriously useless at answering questions at this stage in the game. They parrot what they've been told but don't hold any of the real information. That's for the residents or attendings.
When Ackbar comes around the corner he's talking to Luke slowly and easily. Asking the young boy about his favorite color and what kind of ice-cream he likes. Luke is in a wheelchair that looks far too large for him but he is awake albeit a little groggy.
The ice-cream. Rey's heart drops when she realizes Luke had been looking forward to the frozen treat and the nurses must have scooped it up and thrown it out in the hurry. In retrospect it's trivial but for some reason that's all Rey can focus on. "His ice-cream," She breaths out softly, "I need to get him more ice-cream."
"Wooooah woah now," Poe says calmly as he urges Rey back down against the bed.
She's nearly frantic as her eyes jump from Poe to Finn, why don't they understand? Why can't they understand?
Ackbar is at her side as one of the interns settles Luke back into his bed. They're hooking him up to a monitor which Luke protests lightly but Poe is there to make him see reason. Finn is helping her out into the hallway but she can't reason what for. All she wants is to be with him, to see him, to touch him. Why is Finn taking her away?
When she turns sharply she's face to face with a man she's never seen before. He has soft boyish features, a nose that's only slightly crooked as though it's been broken once before. His facial hair is neatly kept framing his mouth and stumbly against his cheeks, "Ms. Niima," he says softly, his voice accented and sweet as his dark eyes view her with a calm and patient look. "I'm Doctor Andor."
Pieces start to fall into place as Ackbar finds himself at their side and there's a soft click of Luke's door closing. Poe is with him thankfully with one of Ackbar's interns leaving Finn and Rey alone in the hallway with the doctors. Doctor Andor is kind, Rey can see that in the way his eyes soften as they take her in.
It takes a moment before Rey is able to compile her thoughts coherently enough form sentences but Ackbar and Andor are patient with her, "I wasn't expecting to meet you so quickly." she offers in a sort of half-hearted smile as she offers him her hand.
Cassian takes with a kind shake as he says, "Can we maybe talk in Doctor Ackbar's office?"
In the dark recesses of her mind something growls awake crying out not to leave her child. It's wild and primal and claws at her insides like a crazed beast but Finn's hand finds hers and gives it a little squeeze. "Poe's got him," he assures her and together they follow the pair in their lab coats.
The hospital is buzzing with life as nurses slip in and out of rooms on quick and expedient footing. No one stops them, but Rey can feel their eyes on her back as she moves. She's one of them and whether or not she's worked in their department or on the same floor there's a sad solidarity there that wraps around her like a blanket. Ackbar's office is close to imaging, it's filled with pictures of his family and certificates noting him for his many achievements. On his desk is a strangely painted bowl filled with an assortment of golden wrapped candies and an ancient dipping bird that Rey can't help but focus on as she sits. Ackbar takes a back seat to the conversation hiding behind his desk as Doctor Andor pulls a seat up in front of Rey. Finn takes his place at her back with his hands on her shoulders. The act of comfort is as much for him as it is for her, Finn hates hospitals.
Doctor Ackbar starts right away, no preamble or easing into it. It's quick and dirty and it makes Rey's head spin. He explains the same things he's gone over already. The build-up of pressure and how it's causing the seizures. When he mentions the bone marrow Doctor Andor takes point. It's like listening to someone talk underwater. The words sound garbled and awkward as Cassian explains their findings and what they mean. Luke does in fact have Leukaemia it appears to be early stages but the swelling in the brainstem area is cause for some concern. They want to start him on a high dose of Chemotherapy right away to halt to the progression of the disease and then they'll phase him down to an outpatient chemo treatment. The trick is tailoring the treatment to Luke's specific case. If the disease is in his nervous system that may complicate things but the build-up may be coming from somewhere else. It would really help if they had a more comprehensive background history.
Rey groans, this is going to be an ongoing theme throughout all of this but her own medical history is a blank slate. She was left at a fire station when she was four years old. The only memory she has of her mother is a mass of dark brown curls walking away from her after telling her she was sorry. After that it was foster homes and shelters. She'd run away a few times before she ended up with Luke Skywalker and her life changed for the better. Luke wouldn't be of any help though unless he miraculously had some way of digging up her mother's records. She doesn't even know the woman's name.
Luke's father on the other hand…
Finn squeezes her shoulder lightly while Doctor Andor outlines a treatment plan and his approach. He's seen a lot of kids bounce back from this there's no reason to think that Luke can't too. They want to start him as soon as possible on a regime of Chemo treatments with the possibility of radiation later on but they'll delve into that a little later. For now he'll need to stay in the hospital to be monitored through the first phase. It's often hard on parents to leave their child but Doctor Andor assures her sleeping in her own bed will be good for her peace of mind. If she has family around she should reach out this isn't going to be easy but they'll make it as painless as possible.
When they leave Doctor Ackbar's office Rey feels dangerously numb. Her mind tingles as it processes all of the information they've just shoved into the very limited space she's had left. Finn encourages her to get back to Luke's room and maybe call Skywalker to fill him in. Rey doesn't have to heart to call their foster father. Instead she convinces Finn to go for coffee and pick up ice-cream so that Luke has something small to look forward to.
Chemo is going to kill his tastebuds and make everything taste like cardboard so she wants him to enjoy the good stuff while he still can. Her heart aches for the little boy who can't even tie his own shoes yet and has only recently been able to go all night without wetting the bed. He's barely had a taste of what life has to offer and now they need to pump him full of chemicals….
But, it's to prolong his life. It's a short term pain for a long term pay off. She needs to think of the long game here.
Finn leads her outside to a coffee cart telling her she needs some fresh air and he needs a caffeine stat. While Finn occupies himself in the lineup Rey finds a seat nearby on one of the cement blocks that line the hospital's communal garden space. People mill about; patients, nurses, doctors and visitors alike all enjoying the bright sunshine and the surprisingly calm spring day. The sun feels good against her skin, and Rey can't help but raise her face towards it's brilliant embrace. She sighs and leans back braced on her palms as she allowed the words of Cassian Andor to really sink in. She's stuck between obsessing over every minute detail and chastising herself for not acting more like a concerned parent when she hears someone call her name.
It's deep but soft in a way that crawls along her spine like feather-light kisses. She know's him immediately, her heartbeat singing in her ears as she opens her eyes to take him in. He's in jeans today but looks just as immaculate as he had the night before. His hair is swept back just so out of his face, a few pieces tucked behind his ear accentuating the way they stick out adorably. His coloring is all dark blues except for the button-down that folds over his dark v-neck. The button down is a vibrant but deep blue which lightens his otherwise dark ensemble. Over one arm he carries a deep grey wool coat with flecks of black woven through it while in the other hand he carries a tray full of coffees.
"Oh… Hey Ben," She offers lamely. Her voice sounds scratchy and raw in her ears as she clears her throat trying to push away the excessive emotion that's been welling up beneath the surface. From his position at the coffee truck Rey can see Finn peering cautiously. There's been too much today to deal with any extra drama and yet Rey doesn't necessarily want Ben to walk away either. "How's your dad?" she offers lightly sitting up some.
Ben makes a flustered sound, like blowing out air but groaning at the same time, "Driving everyone nuts," he says with an air of lightness to his voice, "He doesn't get how serious this is…"
Rey's lips quirk in a smile as she thinks back to Han and the boisterous way he approaches life. She's seen it many times before and often it doesn't mean what the friends and family think it does, "I think he does," Rey offers kindly, "I think he does more than anyone but he doesn't want you to worry so he makes light of everything."
Her words seem to hit home for Ben because he's soon smiling at her, his lips drawn wide in a grin that accents his dimples. Dimples she knows too well. "You're probably right," he says with a kind smile, "Will we see you today? Doctor Kanata said she didn't think you'd be back but you're here…?" there's a hopeful note in his voice that causes Rey's world to shift just a little. She's pinned beneath those whiskey-colored eyes that seem flecked with gold in the light of the sun. There's so much there to sift through, it's like rubble on a mountain path preventing her from climbing any higher.
"No... no," she offers and at the moment she sees him take her in, truly take her in. She must look a state because his eyes soften to a degree that's nearly suffocating. Self consciously she readjusts her messy bun and flattens out her scrub pants. The same scrub pants she was wearing the day before. In the same sweater, he'd seen her in less than twenty-four hours ago.
"You haven't been home yet," he says softly and the concern there piercing her to the quick, "Are you - is everything ok?"
One minute she's there and the next she's at a frat party and there's this stranger there who's eyes keep following her. Who's touch is like quicksand and who's mouth says such deliciously sweet but explicit things it makes her need to stop and catch her breath.
But she's not that girl anymore and gone is the young man in ripped jeans and black doc martens who just wants to hold her and dance. The years have been good to Ben, his features are strong but more or less the same. His rounded cheeks have thinned and his build is thicker now if the way he's filling out his sweater is any indication. He's a lawyer too, that's new or maybe it's not she wouldn't know because they didn't talk about things like that. It was all hands and curious exploration and mind-blowing orgasms that left her toes curled and legs like jelly.
Lost in her thoughts she doesn't notice as Finn joins them. He too now has a trey of coffees in hand and is eyeing Ben up with a skepticism that Rey knows she should love him for.
"I'll be fine," she lies easily enough but Ben doesn't seem to believe her.
"You don't look fine, you look like you've barely slept." he offers and suddenly she feels so very exposed. He shouldn't see her this well. She's sure she doesn't look that bad, her face doesn't feel puffy anymore and Finn would never allow her to go out looking like an escaped psychiatric patient.
Finn however just watches Ben. Rey can see the way Finn's eyes take in the taller gentleman. Ben's sharp features, his coloring, the way his ears poke out from beneath his hair just so. He's reading Ben like a book he may have heard about before. Like a novel he's sort of skimmed through a few times but never actually read cover to cover. To his credit, Finn doesn't say anything, he just cocks his head and allows his eyes to take this newcomer in.
"Well tell Han and Leia I said hello," Rey offers as she moves to stand up. Ben however doesn't budge forcing her to stand toe to toe with him. He smells like sandalwood and cloves with the underlying hint of something sweet, but fresh. It fills her head and makes her dizzy.
Still he doesn't move, he looms over her like a tree firmly planted, rooted in its place, "Rey…" He says almost pleading and she can't do this now, she doesn't have it in her. His eyes are like molten caramel as they stare at her questioning and maybe even a little desperate, "Can we talk sometime? I'd really like to sit and chat. Maybe over coffee," he offers, then says a little more quietly, "or dinner?"
Rey's eyes widen, "Don't," she says with a tone a little harsher than intended. Ben's blonde girlfriend is there in the back of her mind with her kind accent and her douting daughter in law ways. "You're in a relationship Ben and it was a long time ago, don't worry I don't hold it against you."
Ben looks affronted, Finn however looks curious as he says, "You ok Peanut?"
Finn's voice causes Ben to jump as he turns to view the man who just can't stop staring. "Sorry, who's this?" Ben's tone is awkward and filled with something Rey might almost think was jealousy. But Ben can't be jealous, not when he's the one with the gorgeously leggy significant other that looks like she could double in as She-ra. Not when he never called her back and disappeared from her life. It wasn't how Rey had wanted it to go down but it's what had happened. She played her hand as best she could and there are no take-backs in this game. She made the best of the situation and she moved on. Sure she thought about him more than might be healthy but a connection like that with another human being will do that to a person.…
"Ben this is Finn," she chokes out softly, "He's one of my housemates," she explains but that tinge of something deep and angry is still there beneath Ben's dark stare.
"Nice to meet you, Finn," Ben offers curtly before turning his attention back to Rey, "It's just dinner Rey, I'm not asking…" his voice dies off on the implication as his cheeks flush scarlet, "Gwen would be fine with dinner, I'd like to catch up."
She doesn't need to catch up, she needs to forget. She needs to stop torturing herself with the memory of the first and only man who's ever made her feel alive and cherished. She needs to forget the way his hands felt when he touched her or his arms as he held her. She needs to let go of the way his lips felt when he kissed her… all the places he kissed her. Rey's mind screams for her to say yes but she can't. There is no way she's so much as leaving the hospital until Luke gets discharged.
Luke.
That's when the panic sets in. She can't be near Ben with his knowing stare and his soft sinful mouth. She can't be close to him and his kind eyes and all the unfulfilled promises and torture they bring. "I can't do this Ben," she says but her voice is soft and strained as she slips passed him brushing against his chest as she forces herself between him and Finn. When Ben turns to move after her Rey can hear Finn step up.
"Leave her mate, today's not the day to pursue that particular fantasy," Finn says before turning to catch up to Rey leaving Ben awestruck in the hospital's open garden structure.
Neither says a thing as they make their way back into the hospital. Rey is on a mission to bring ice-cream back for Luke so she's not paying attention when Finn says her name. He practically has to holler it to get her attention causing her to swing around and look at him wide-eyed.
"Who was that?" Finn asks carefully. He's approaching her like she's an injured deer in a meadow that he just wants to help. She's wide-eyed and afraid and Finn knows if he acts too quickly she'll spook.
"Han and Leia's son, that's the Ben Poe was talking about, handsome Ben" she offers with a shakey smile, rubbing at her eyes as though she 's been crying. She knows Finn won't be happy with the answer, he's seen too much, he knows there's more to the story. His dark eyes are tracing her features as though trying to figure out which plan of approach would be best when Rey lets out a soft and steady sigh.
"Who is he to you?" Finn offers, trying a different angle.
"Just a guy I met at a party years ago, no one important." She's trying to wiggle out from beneath Finn's knowing gaze. He's leaving her bare before him and it's unsettling in a way that leaves her raw and far too emotional.
"Hanna House party?" Finn offers and Rey's eyes go wild. She panics, shaking her head and backing away from Finn as though he's about to attack her. "That's him isn't it?" Finn finally asks and Rey knows exactly what Finn means. He'd been the first home that morning, the first she'd told about everything that had happened. He hadn't believed her at first, it wasn't a Rey thing to do but the marks Ben had left on her body were irrefutable proof of some serious bedroom magic.
Rey is shaking her head but her words are stuck in her throat. Finn doesn't seem mad though, just sad, concern edges his features as he reaches out and squeezes Rey's shoulder. "Peanut, I've looked at that little boys face every day for the past four years. I know him, I love him. That man, Ben…?" Rey's mind is screaming, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, "He's Luke's father isn't he?"
Everything stops. One minute she's shaking her head, close to hyperventilating and ready to run, the next the world is black. She can smell the rich scent of dark roast, the faint tinge of something musky and warm. There are hands, warm hands and they're picking her up. People around are making so much noise that it rattles around inside her head and she just can't pick through it all. Finn's voice is calling to her, telling someone to back away, encouraging people to get a nurse, Holdo, Kanata, D'acy. A doctor they know, a doctor who knows. But there's a warm body holding her, wrapping her up in arms that are strong and caring and it's everything she needs at that moment. The feeling of being loved, being cared for and taken care of. The body holding her is speaking, she can feel the rumble of it through their chest and then it's just simply gone.