t'sThere's this insipid buzzing sound that won't stop. It's grating and vibrates like a lightbulb that's not screwed in properly or a plug not quite connected. It's met with a brightness, a brilliance that is all-encompassing and suffocating. Can light suffocate?
And the heat. What is that heat that has it itself coiled around her hand like a small space heater while the rest of her body is so unbelievably cold?
The last thing she remembers is Finn and brown eyes and 'He's Luke's father isn't he?' Those words bounce around her head stripping her down until she's bare and panting and where is she?
Her eyes feel heavy and they won't open on their own. Her mouth feels dry but she can't seem to make it work either. Like she's paralyzed between sleep and wakefulness. The heat at her hand becomes a pressure, a soft stroking of flesh against flesh that is familiar if only she could just place it. Like a pattern or a heartbeat…
"Come on Peanut…" Oh hey, she knows that voice!
Why does her hand itch so much and what is that noise?
When her eyes finally deign to work the world comes into focus in pieces. Fuzzy edges and blurred lines but the warmth is there to soothe her. A flutter of touch against the back of her hand that tells her things will be ok. She smiles despite herself as the lights overhead bleed into focus and she knows exactly where she is. There are hushed voices and hurried footsteps and a horrendous beeping that rattles around in her skull like a gong. These are the noises from the emergency room. People coughing, asking questions, someone sobbing and then there's Finn. His face is calm and impassive as he looks between her and something offside. She can't see what it is, her focus is hazy at best so she keeps her eyes trained on Finn. The bright light casts his face in shadow as he brushes his fingertips across her forehead and swoops in to press a kiss there.
"Hey baby girl," he coos softly, she can't remember the last time he's called her that. When she was… oh, wait.
The world comes crashing down on her all at once. The itching in her hand, the strange chill in her arm, the warm stroking of…
"Ben…?" her voice sounds strained and distant as though it belongs to someone else. The warmth squeezes and Rey can see Finn's eyes narrow before she has a chance to turn her head.
His voice is cool and smooth like whiskey poured over ice, "Hey, you scared the shit out of us." Us, as if there is an us.
"Ben was coming in to see his Dad, you kind of fainted…"
"Stalker," Rey quips lightly, a diversion tactic that fails horribly.
His soft chuckle might be the greatest thing she's ever heard. It reminds her of dancing with a stranger who held her close and whispered dangerously beautiful things in her ear. When she casts her gaze in his direction she can almost see that boy. His hair a little longer. His grin a little brighter. His mouth so full of promises and sweet kisses that set her nerves on fire.
"I told him he didn't have to," Finn cuts in harshly, her valiant protector, "Holdo says you're dehydrated. Rey you need to…"
"I know, I know," she groans as she tries to sit up. There's a tug on her arm as Ben helps her up. His grasp on her hand almost biting as she topples forward just a little, bumping something hard and… oh it's his chest.
How delightful.
Finn's phone must go off because he jumps and then pulls it from his pocket, "It's Poe."
Rey nods as Ben's hands, his large beautiful hands steady her. He's gentle, a soft palm running down her bicep as he cocks his head and leans in a little trying to catch her attention, "You ok?" he mumbles and all Rey can do is nod. Her body feels woozy and a little disoriented causing her to grasp Ben's forearm for support. They stay like that a moment, forearms clasped while his free hand moves to meet her back, to steady her.
"This Andor guy is a big deal, Poe just looked him up."
"Cassian Andor?" a sharp accented voice calls.
It takes a moment but when Rey looks up, Jyn is standing at the end of her cot with a glass of ice chips and a muffin in her hand looking mildly scandalized, "Yeah, he's here doing a lecture on stem cells and something cancer-y or something to that effect… Shit Rey this guy has done TED talks and everything."
"He's won awards. He's one of the best in his field," Almost as if she's just now remembered her purpose in descending into the pit Jyn awkwardly offers Rey the dixie cup and baked good, "I heard you'd passed out, you should go home. What are you still doing here?"
Jyn's eyes flit from Finn, whom she knows tp Ben whom she does not. Ben who has his hands on Rey's body as though he knows her. Like he knows her intimately if the way Rey is leaning into him is any indicator. At one point Rey may even have cared how this sort of thing might look to the casual observer. At one point. But not now, not at this very moment. Now she doesn't have it in her to really care. She simply takes the proffered items with a grateful nod and pops an ice chip into her mouth
"Can't." her speech hindered by the crunching of the ice seems to make Ben wince a little.
"Shit, is Luke still here? Is he…" She stops wide-eyed. Jyn has never been one for intense levels of emotion that aren't of the agitation or annoyance variety so to see her shaken is… odd. Heartwarming, maybe endearing but still deeply strange, "He's… have you.." she looks at Finn who catches her eye as he looks up from the TED talk loading on his screen. "Have you met with Cassian?"
"Do you know him?" Rey asks around a mouthful of banana chocolate chip. Her favorite.
When Jyn nods softly her eyes shift from intent questioning to the dawning of a solemn understanding. "Oh Rey," the softness in her voice threatens to crack Rey wide open again, "No… no please don't tell me." A hand over her mouth Jyn's eyes glitter with what looks like the budding of emotion she's not entirely sure what to do with. She's not an affectionate person by nature, she's not even an overly nice person so when she pulls Rey into a hug. Rey isn't quite sure what to do.
"Are you?"
"Still processing," Rey affirms as Jyn pulls away. Ben's hand is still there holding hers, squeezing lightly, his eyes curious but quiet. Still Rey can see Finn watching Ben closer then he's watching anyone else.
"Ok well, come see me we'll go over the details of your leave, in the meantime I'll start your paperwork," right, work. She hadn't even thought about what she was going to do on that front, "Don't worry this is the least of your concerns. Cassian is… he's brilliant, really. You're in good hands." There's something quite left unsaid as Jyn squeezes Rey's arm and then rather awkwardly slips off.
"So… the wicked witch knows the handsome doctor, interesting." Finn muses but Rey can't bring herself around to think about that strange interaction. Not with the way Ben is staring at her, not with the way her stomach grumbles in protest.
Avoidance is the best policy in situations like this so instead of facing Ben head-on, Rey takes another bite of her muffin and stares off over his shoulder. She can pretend he's not there. That he's not this unmovable warmth that at this very moment is making her feel so safe and so cared for... Yeah she can do that...
The next few minutes are… strange.
Finn refuses to leave to go check on Luke, Poe is with him he'll be fine. Instead he sits on a chair opposite with his arms folded against his chest and just stares. At her. At Ben. At the strange stain on the ceiling she'd never noticed before. Mostly at her and Ben. Mostly at Ben really and where his hand seems to rub slow circles on her lower back.
She knows she should tell him to go away, that he shouldn't be touching her but all she can manage is a soft, "You should go be with your family."
"I'm fine right here, Dad's having scans and mums popped home for a little, she'll be back later." As if it's that simple.
"Where's Gwen?" She was here with him last night. She's part of his world, his life, his family. It stands to reason she would have returned with him today... right?
Ben's touch stutters, "Work couldn't risk both of us out, we have a new client coming on so it's all hands on deck."
"Sounds important," Finn quips, "What are you doing mate?"
Ben doesn't seem to realize that Finn is talking to him until Finn is standing directly across from him. He's quite a bit shorter then Ben, like a corgi picking a fight with a great dane but Rey knows Finn's bite can be just as bad as his bark.
"Is this a thing for you, show up all Mr. Nice Guy and then fucking disappear?" Rey groans, closing her eyes. Her head is pounding and now she has to listen to whatever this is. Male posturing?
But it's not is it? This is Finn doing the only thing he knows how to do in a crisis. Protect Rey. Part of it might not even have to do with Ben. Only it does because this is about Luke and his life without a father and the fact that he's sick and they can't do anything about it. This is the hostility of trying to be strong and just being so fed up because Finn feels helpless, like he can't do anything. It's a struggle to grasp onto control because this is so hard and he's just so angry.
"Do you have some White Knight Complex? What?"
Ben looks lost, Finn looks furious and Rey? That insatiable urge to cry is bubbling up from deep within again and there's nothing she can do about it.
Finn however doesn't give Ben any time to answer, he's back on him again his agitation flaring to the point of unstable, "Why are you here? Why?"
Ben's hand stills, it's a warm weight at her back that radiates through her sweater and scrub top like a small sun, "I was fucking worried ok?" it's not there, that wavering in his voice, that broken fear of loss. It's not. Only it is. It's subtle and barely noticeable unless you're looking for it but it's the truth.
A truth Finn does not see. "You were worried? You… worried." Finn scoffs and Rey has no time to stop him because he's bubbling over like a kettle left not he stove too long. Nearly five years too long to be exact. "You're fucking five years too late." Finn bites.
"And what do you know?" The tone in Ben's voice is harsh but settled. He's seething but not yelling, keeping his tone at an indoor level unlike Finn who's voice is now a little too loud. Who's mannerism are a little too erratic as he starts to weave about anxiously.
When Finn stops, Rey's honestly not sure what he's going to do. His hands are shaking before he points an agitated finger in Ben's face. "I know a fuck of a lot more then you do. You should leave before you fucking destroy everything... all over again."
No... No... He can't, he can't go there.
"Finn…" Rey can feel Ben's hand as it trembles at her low back as though he wants to respond but is trying very, very hard to control himself. Like he would love nothing more then to punch Finn square in the nose. Rey has seen Ben do worse.
"No," there's panic in his tone as he reels, "Rey, I can't, I won't…" His hands are in the air as he backs away, "Peanut I need to take a walk before I say something you hate me for."
"Finn…" she pleads again but he's backing away, digging his hands into his pockets, "And I'm calling Skywalker, he'll want to be here for his grandson."
"Finn!"
But, Finn is out the door and into the sunlight before Rey can do much else. Frustration, anger, confusion, fear and so many other emotions war within Rey's mind as she lets out a ragged cry of hostility. She's pulling at the IV's in her hand leaving the tubing to bleed clear liquid onto the floor. Ben is trying to say something, or he is saying something it's just his voice isn't quite loud enough to drown out the intense buzzing in her head and panic that swells up within her chest.
Suddenly she's hyperventilating, her breath coming in short ragged puffs of air as the world around her starts to spin and she has to grope the cot to hold herself steady. There are tears in her eyes, bubbling her vision but no sobs. Just ragged breaths and rivers of salty sadness. When Ben's hand leaves her back she's almost relieved to be rid of the pressure but a hand cups her face and its altogether too much. The sensation of his skin, soft against the heat or hers, warm. The tentative sweet way his thumb slides across her cheek wiping away the tears as if it's his job, his right to do so.
She's on him like an animal on its prey.
She can only imagine what she must look like, eyes wide and glittering with moisture. Tears that she's cried over and over and over again for a man who said such pretty things and then disappeared once he'd had his fill. She wanted to believe he wasn't like all the others. Those men she avoided with their notched bedposts and their need to dominate. "What. Are you. Doing?" Her mind rages as Ben's eyes widen and it seems all he can do is stare at her.
"I… "
"You what?" she cries, actual, real tears that he's trying to brush away again. As if he knows her as if he sees her.
He knows nothing.
"You never called."
Excuses!
"But. I. Did." She hates the way her voice shakes, the way he looks at her as though he wants to fix it. As if he can fix it. Anything he touches is only going to be further damned. He's that little extra salt in an open wound. The flaunting of something she'd wanted for so long but she knows she can't have when she's already so down. She can't focus on him or his hurt expression. His eyes so soft, so sweetly dark like gold buried in crystallized earth. He looks… confused, maybe even hurt.
Good.
Let him feel a fraction of what it was she felt. What she feels, because honestly has it ever really gone away?
They don't need him. She doesn't need him. Luke…
Luke.
Luke might need him. Her body trembles beneath the weight of that realization and he's on her like he cares. He's trying to hold her but she's pushing him away. Her hands scraping over the soft fabric of his sweater in a feeble attempt to put space between them. She's stronger than this, but she doesn't have the energy to really fight him. She can't meet his eye either. Why won't he just leave?
He'd done it before, Why now does he want to stick around?
"Ben I… I told you I can't do this, whatever you… whatever this…" she sighs, "It was one night, a long time ago. Yes, I will admit I thought it was something more then it was but…"
"It was…" he offers softly and that little fissure of fear that's spit open within her cracks open just a little further.
"Ben," she pleads, "Please," and her voice sounds more like she's whining then pleading, "We've grown up. You have Gwen and I have…" She has what? A child? Their child? "People who need me."
She can see Finn pacing outside the doors. He's on the phone, probably with Luke telling him everything. Telling him things he should be hearing come from her mouth not Finns. It takes more strength then she'd like to admit to pull away from Ben but she manages and to his credit, he doesn't follow after her. She's sitting at the end of the cot, her feet dangling off as if ready to take a plunge that is far more then the foot and a half off the ground it actually is.
"I was a random girl at a party who helped you forget a little, remember?"
"I don't remember a random girl," his voice almost sounds hollow as she finds her feet, using the cot to lean against for a moment before she straightens herself up, "I remember this fierce lonely girl... woman who made me feel like I could breathe again. Who reminded me what it was like to feel alive."
"You're glorifying a one night stand, Ben," and she says nothing else on the matter. She doesn't even look back at him, just pushes away, ignoring the huff from Jannah who was coming by to check on her or the pleas from Holdo to get back and rest a little. If they want her they know where they can find her. Upstairs with the only person in the world who matters right now.
Finn is coming back in, an eye cast in Ben's direction as he slips an arm around Rey's shoulder and leans in to kiss her on the forehead. He mumbles something about Luke catching the first convenient flight out here. Wicket and Dee are going to stay with Luke's friend Mara while he visits. Finn figures Luke can stay in Luke's room.
"No, give him my bed. I don't imagine I'll be home much," she says as they make their way to the elevators. Once again without ice-cream. "And if by some miracle I do end up home I'll sleep in Luke's bed. How did he handle it?"
"He's upset but you know Luke… apparently his sister lives in the area and her Husband has to have heart surgery so he figures it's high time for a visit."
Luke is coming… Luke will make everything better. Or he'll try in that loving way he always does.
It's three days before Luke can get a flight out. There's an issue with his first flight and then Dee gets into some trouble at school and ends up suspended. Rey almost tells him not to worry but they'll be starting chemo soon and Rey isn't sure how she's going to handle it. She wants her father here. She wants to hear him laugh and tell her everything is going to be alright in the end. Even if it's not true. Especially if it's not true.
She doesn't see Ben again, not that she expected too. She avoids him as best she can but goes to visit Han the night before Luke's arrival. It's late when she stumbles by. Luke is asleep and Poe has stopped in to stay for a bit. To give her a break. She half expects Han to be asleep when she pokes her head into his room but he's propped up on his bed reading a book. Leia is home, Han told her to get some sleep in her own bed for once and begrudgingly she listened.
He's quiet, far more subdued then he is when he has a full audience. Inviting her to sit on the edge of his bed like he's known her forever. It's strange, this pull to a man, to a family she knows nothing about. By all rights she shouldn't have come but there's this burning need to know them. To know the family that… Ben comes from.
"How you doing, kid?" Han offers as he slides a pair of reading glasses off his nose. He's calm and understanding and almost reminds her of Luke in a way, Skywalker that is not the little boy asleep downstairs.
"Been better," she offers with a coy cock of her head. She doesn't meet his eye, she can't meet his eye that would be too much too telling. She's here to check on him, not for comfort but Han makes an agreeable noise and nods as though he gets it. "You'd do anything for them you know, and when you can't… you just feel so helpless…"
Han's eyes are soft and understanding as he reaches out and takes Rey's hand. It's oddly intimate making her skin bleed warmth, "You got a sick kid huh?" Like he knows.
He knows.
She just nods.
There's a silence that falls over the room, Han's radio in the corner crackles a little as it plays something by Bowie. She doesn't quite recognize the song but the voice is familiar. Luke use to listen to him a lot when she was younger. When Han finally speaks his voice is quiet, filled with a warm understanding that settles around her like a blanket or a hug, "Did you know Ben was a twin?"
"What?"
"I guess how would you, a hook up at a party isn't an invitation into a deep family history." There must be something to the look on Rey's face because Han chuckles, "Don't worry kid, I know you and Benny-boy boned. He never said anything, he never would but he doesn't form attachments easily and well… you're under his skin."
Whatever that means, it's hard to process that information when there are so many other things she wants to know, "Ben was a twin?"
"Yeah, they run in Leia's family. She has a twin brother, Luke." her heart bleeds warmth at the subtle reminder of the little boy who's about to embark on the fight of his life, "He lives in… Takodana I think, we don't see him much. They were separated at birth, they found each other when they were… god in their twenties. They aren't as close as they'd like but… anyway that doesn't matter." Warning bells are sounding in Rey's mind, little bits of information that are staking up like Tetris blocks coming down too quickly to organize. The information should be important, it's all important isn't it? In some way or another. A family history is something she lacks and here she is being offered it up piece by delicate piece even though she has no real right to it. She does though doesn't she? Maybe?
But not like this.
It's wrong, it's underhanded and sneaky and she can't stop. It's impossible to stop him once she's been gifted this small measure of information
But she doesn't want to hear about Luke and Leia, she wants to hear about Ben, about his twin… "Ben was the easier one of the two, he was quieter, slept better, didn't sass back. Kylo… he was full of something else. He had to know everything, see everything, do everything. He was Benny's rock. Ben would get these nightmares and he'd crawl into Kylo's bed. Sometimes it was like they didn't need us at all."
"Kylo was eight when he got sick, we didn't know what was wrong at first but after a few weeks, we got the cancer diagnosis. It's hard… like a kick in the gut with a steel-toed boot while someone pours scalding water into your veins. Don't suppose I need to tell you."
Rey simply shakes her head, focusing on a spot on Han's blanket by his toes. It looks like a small cigarette burn but likely came from the industrial washing machines they use to clean the sheets.
"What's your kid's diagnosis? Nothing so insidious I hope."
"Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia," Rey says with a deep sigh.
Han simply nods, "Kylo too, good recovery rate. They catch it early?"
"We think so, they're worried there's some neurological involvement, he keeps having seizures. Idiopathic swelling on the brainstem," she explains ruefully.
"No shit, Kylo too, turns out he had an issue with benign tumor growth, they weren't sure where it came from but it seemed to stop with the chemo and radiation There's a condition, I don't remember the name of but they thought it was possible he might have it. We never really got that far."
Having this conversation feels oddly backhanded in a way. As though she's lying to Han through omission. Part of her wants to tell him while the more rational part of her, or maybe the more practical part tells her it's not the time for quiet confessions, "He… he didn't survive?" She's not sure she wants to know the answer but she asks all the same.
"The cancer? Oh he kicked its ass, unfortunately, the chemo kicked Kylo's ass. He got pneumonia, that was bad but he survived it. There was a pulmonary embolism that weakened his lungs and his heart. He just sort of stayed sick after that. I honestly don't know what was worse, losing him or watching him waste away. It really messed Ben up. He didn't speak at all for almost a month, might have been more. To be honest I don't remember much. I …" With the sheepish way Han looks away she's pretty sure she knows where this is going, "I was drinking a lot. Leia and I actually separated for almost a year. Ben spiraled hard. They were so close, he and Kylo. Identical in nearly every way. Benny has a mole on his cheek that's a little more obvious, Kylo, he had one just over his left eyebrow. It's honestly the only way I could tell them apart." his chuckle is soft and sweet still mourning the loss of a child even nearly twenty years after the fact. "It never goes away… It just evolves into something different. Not alright but a little less empty because you have more memories of their life than their death.
"What's his name?"
It's with a fond smile Rey responds, "Luke," holding Han's gaze as if she can will the truth into his mind.
"Good name."
"After my father," She tells him, "He gave me everything and so much more in this life, it just made sense."
"You're lucky, kid. Your dad, he here?"
"No, he flies in tomorrow. There were some issues with my younger brothers. One got suspended so he wanted to deal with that before getting on a plane. I'm obviously the golden child."
Han barks a good-natured laugh, "I have no doubt."
Rey smiles softly, "I should get back, you need anything?"
"Naw kid, I'm good, you worry about yourself. You stop up again if you're feeling restless, it doesn't look like I'll be going anywhere for a while."
"You have surgery coming up soon though don't you? It won't be long after that before you're discharged."
The look on Han's face is curious and deeply pensive, as though he's resigned himself to a truth that no one else can see, "Kanata is good at her job but something's bothering her. My money's on a replacement."
"You have to be more optimistic than that," Rey says as she stands, stretching her arms up high over her head as she does, "You're young and healthy other than the heart thing."
"I am being optimistic! Transplants better than dead." he chuckles, "Seriously kid, I'll be fine. I have too many people left to bother yet." With a soft smile Rey reaches out and gives his hand a light squeeze before heading back towards the door. "Ben will be by tomorrow afternoon." Han says as she pauses to wave, "If you wanted to see him. I haven't seen him this wound up in years. Five to be exact." he says with a wink and Rey simply cannot unload that statement right now. She needs to get back to Luke, to crawl in bed with him and wrap her arms as tight around him as she can without waking him.
She's armed with more knowledge then she had an hour ago, a loose family history, an idea of a path. It's not much but it's something. A knowledge that it wasn't cancer that had killed Kylo but complications. Complications they could avoid or they knew how to avoid as best they can. Sometimes things happen but for now Rey chooses to focus on the positive and the unlikely friendship that she has forming between her and Han Solo.
Luke's arrival is almost bittersweet. Finn picks him up before he heads into the office. He's been working half days and trying to do spread himself between work and their family life as much as he can. Rey hasn't been home yet. The boys have managed to bring her a few changes of clothing and she's stolen a shower or two in the Doctor's lounge. Kanata all but forcing it on her. It feels good to be clean and more like a person. The hospital is spotless but there's a film of something stagnant that layers on your skin when you spend too much time there. Like you become one with the concept of illness.
They've explained to Luke all the can with the help of Doctor Andor and Doctor D'acy who will be taking over Luke's treatments when Cassian goes back. If he goes back it seems. There have been rumors that Aldera-Royal is trying to poach him from Bespin. Rumors only fuelled by Doctor Andor's persistent presence in the hallways. Rey likes him though so she isn't disappointed when he rounds on Luke with Doctor D'Acy. He's handsome too which helps she's sure when there are sick kids and panicked mothers who just need someone to hold their hand.
She's seen it, the way parents form attachments to their kid's physicians. So, when Cassian asks her to coffee sometime she's reluctant to say yes. In the end he's given her no reason to think his intentions breech anything remotely unprofessional so she agrees. Not now, not tomorrow but after Luke's chemo has started she'll let him spirit her away for a small break.
It's the middle of the afternoon when Skywalker pokes his head in. His eyes are lined with joy that' just bright enough it almost masks his worry. Finn is behind him dressed a fine pair of pressed slacks and a lovely pastel pink button-down. He doesn't stay long but promises he'll be back and he'll bring supper with him when he does.
"Grampa!" Luke's little legs can't get him out of bed fast enough. He's been granted pajama privileges, wearing his favorite fleecy button-downs that he says make him look like Poe. "Did you t'ome to see me?" he cries as he scrambles into Luke's arms like a bear cup climbing a tree.
Luke barely has time to set down his bags before he has the little boy wound in a bear hug, "I did kiddo," he cries happily, his voice scratching and lined with emotion. Rey takes her time but Luke is beckoning her closer, his grandson's arms wound tightly around his neck before he pulls her tight against him, kissing her temple as he does, "Hey," he mumbles, his hand rubbing the back of her head. The, 'how are you?' is implied as his brilliant blue eyes search her face.
Her hands in her back pockets she swallows her tears and nods stiffly, "Hey Dad," She's not entirely sure when she stopped calling Luke, Luke and shifted into calling him, Dad. It just sort of happened. Maybe after he had to pick her up from school because she'd gotten into a fight with a boy twice her size for calling her a worthless scavenger. Or maybe after he caught her trying to sneak out her window to run away. He'd brought her to the front door, given her fifty bucks and told her his door was always open. She'd made it a block before she came back. He had hot chocolate waiting for her and had just let her sit and cry for the rest of the night. He made it ok that her mother didn't want her. He made it ok that she'd been a scrappy little runt of a kid who bit and hit and screamed when she was angry. He made her insecurities safe and her heart feel loved with no judgment or ill words. He just let her exist within a safe environment and nurtured the good that he had known dwelled within her all along.
"Grampa, did momma tell you I'm sick?" Luke's little voice is so matter of fact that it makes Rey's chest flutter and her throat burn. She has to turn away, her hand covering her mouth to avoid responding too violently but as always, Skywalker has her back.
"She did buddy," he doesn't put the little boy down though, he only cradles him in his arms, a hand resting on the back of Luke's dark head, "But it'll be ok, I'm here, mommy's here, Finn and Poe, they're here too. We got you, don't worry."
With a shaky hand, Rey rubs a line across Luke's shoulders encouraging him out of his grandfather's arms and back into her own, "Let's let Grampa take his jacket off ok, then maybe you can show him the trains"
The little boy nods as he nuzzles his nose against Rey's shoulder. He didn't sleep well the night before. After she'd gotten back from visiting Han she'd spent the rest of the evening traipsing the hallways, Luke in her arms as she bounced him and rocked him like she had when he was a baby. He's cried a little, fell asleep and was up within hours ready to restart the process all over again. Rey didn't mind though, she' never begrudge him the love and comfort he so desperately needed. She ignored the gnawing void it clawed into her own soul to fill him up so completely leaving no room for her own deep level of terror and need.
"Oh, I like trains…" She hears Luke say as he drops his coat onto the back of a chair. There's a rustle fabric and Luke is at her side pulling the little boy out of her arms. He clings to her, his little fingers grasping at her shoulders like she's the only thing tethering him to this world. His little face roots against her neck, his chin at her shoulder as his grasp remains unrelenting. "Buddy, let's give mommy a break for a minute. She looks tired."
As though spurred on by the mention of his mother's exhaustion, Luke pulls away, his hands grasping Rey's cheeks. His dark eyes boring into her own, "You otay mommy?"
Rey nods and presses her nose against his before kissing him on the cheek. She doesn't mind, not really. She'd never mind this, holding him so close she can feel the faint flutter of his heartbeat. She knows he'll survive, she can't allow any other thought to worm its way into her mind. She will be strong, she will be sure but in the back of her mind she knows she's squirreling away these moments. These 'just in case' times for when she needs them. For when the darkness that's roiling beneath the surface of her smile becomes too much for even her to handle. She's collecting memories and touches and sounds and smells like a hoarder because one day she might not have this. Even if… when he survives, one day he won't be little anymore. One day he won't need her but she, she will always need him.
This chapter guys... this chapter hit me a little harder than the others. I hadn't intended to have Han and Rey interact like this at first but then it sort of felt... right. I'm really happy with the way it came together. It took pieces from future ideas I'd had and melded them into something much more coherent. Not to sit and gush about my own work hahaha sorry! Let me know what you think, I'd really really like to hear your opinions on this chapter. Hope everyone is being safe out there! xoxo