Chapter Eleven – A Moment of Truth
WARNINGS! BRIEF MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN THIS CHAPTER.
"I've got a question, Reborn," Tsuna said quietly, fingers wrapped tightly around his pen, eyes a little distant as he worked on his homework.
Reborn, who had normally taken to whacking him with a stick on the back of his hand if he spoke when he shouldn't need to, paused in the motion he began to make at hearing the faraway quality to Tsuna's voice.
"Would you like to ask it?"
"I would." Tsuna set the pen down and curled his fingers together. Reborn tried not to frown as he watched him tremble.
Tsuna cleared his throat firmly and then asked, "If you were given the option to either save me or leave me to die and recover, which would you choose?"
"What sort of question is that?" Reborn snapped back in return without preamble, tiny hands curling into tight fists.
"Reborn!" Tsuna responded, and Reborn almost flinched at the tone of voice, sharp and firm and nothing he expected, a mature voice from a small, fragile body.
"I would save you, Tsuna," Reborn continued, moving to sit on Tsuna's bed. Tsuna twisted to keep eye contact with him.
"Why?"
"Because you shouldn't have to die, isn't that obvious?"
"I won't be really dead, Reborn."
"You will," Reborn hissed in response. "You would be dead and I could have prevented it. Your heart stops, you cease to breathe. No matter the outcome, you would be dead!"
"Then let me edit the scenario. I've been injured and bleeding out. There's no way to get me immediate help and it could take hours before I'm dead, suffering all the while. Would you still save me then?"
"Of course I would," Reborn replied quietly.
"You would, even though it would have been quicker to simply end it?"
"You're not expendable, Tsuna, no matter your status, no matter your gift, your curse, whatever it may be!" Reborn replied, voice harsher than he anticipated, and Tsuna winced back, arm lifting to curl protectively around his midriff.
"But it would be easier," Tsuna pointed out, quiet and truthful.
"You are not expendable, Tsuna. If there is even the tiniest possibility of saving you and having the better outcome of it, of course I would."
"Because of your loyalty to the Vongola family?"
"Because, no matter how you act, you're fourteen years old and still a child. And you have more deaths under your belt than anyone should ever have to suffer through. Does that answer your question?"
"So, in your opinion, physical suffering is better than the mental suffering?" Tsuna asked. "Because that's what it boils down to, Reborn. I'm either in pain, or I live with the knowledge that I died in another outlandish manner."
Reborn ground his teeth, eyes down as he tried to contend against Tsuna's words.
"You fell down this afternoon, in physical ed.," Reborn said in response, suddenly feeling conviction as his tiny fingers curled around the pacifier.
Tsuna blinked a few times and nodded.
"Roll your trousers up, you injured your leg if I saw right."
"Reborn – " Tsuna yelped as the stick slapped down on the back of his wrist, not enough to leave a mark but enough to sting for a brief moment. After grumbling, Tsuna rolled his trouser leg up and was startled into silence as the yellow pacifier around Reborn's neck began to sparkle and glow.
Reborn brought the glow close to the graze on his knee, the skin angry and scabby from his tumble earlier. When the glow was taken away, Tsuna's skin was unblemished as it had ever been.
"That's as much as I can do for you now, more at a push," Reborn began, the pacifier dulling down again. "But we'll find someone who can do that for you at a larger scale and you will be fine."
Tsuna tried not to point out that it sounded like Reborn was trying to convince himself and nobody else, and instead smoothed his fingers over his unmarked knee.
"T-This is like that day when you shot me."
"Not to kill," Reborn intervened almost immediately. "I'll tell you about them when you're ready to learn."
"And others could do it too?" Tsuna rolled his trousers down again.
"Each Flame has a different property. Mine, the Sun, can heal. Yours, the Sky, is vastly different. You'll learn. Back to your homework."
"I was thinking of asking the others the question I asked you," Tsuna said abruptly. "I can't see Gokudera-kun or Yamamoto having the stomach to go ahead with it, but Hibari might be decisive enough."
"No." Reborn's tone of voice brokered no argument and Tsuna pursed his lips before turning back to his homework, even as he wondered to himself if it was possible to talk to the others without Reborn finding out.
"Don't even think about it," Reborn advised, petting Leon as the lizard clambered its way out from under his hat, looking lethargic and bloated. "Because I will find out."
"You are a child. The others are children. It is bad enough that they bear witness to you dying, to ask them to facilitate it themselves is akin to torture. If there is no other alternative I will be the one to deal the decisive blow."
"But if they could avoid watching me suffer – "
"So you would rather they took a knife to your throat and took your life into their own hands? Instead of watching you suffer, when they can ease that pain and be with you, you would have them cut the life from your body when they do so much to prevent you from another needless death?"
Tsuna swallowed and fell quiet, staring at his homework which was suddenly blurry and hard to see.
Reborn's voice softened.
"I did not mean to make you cry. This situation is unfavourable for all involved."
Tsuna's hand shot to his face to scrub at his eyes, his fingers indeed coming back damp with tears. And, all of a sudden he couldn't stop them from falling, his body heaving and his breath catching in his throat as he sobbed and clenched a fist by his throat, another thrown over his face as he curled over his homework and keened.
A distant part of him despaired at smudging his homework with his salty tears, whereas the majority of him just screamed at him from the inside, an innate hatred of his life, a hatred of what he was, of what he did to others, and the irony of it all was that if he ever entertained the thought of ending it all, it wouldn't work.
"No matter what Tsuna, no matter how much it hurts the others in our life, they have chosen to stand beside you, to support you in all that may happen and will always be there when you need them. This is how much you mean to them. Please, don't ever forget, you will always have someone who won't forget your suffering. It is not worthless, you are not worthless and they – I – will never let you forget that."
Tsuna couldn't help himself as his hands lifted, fingers curling in a grabbing motion as he reached across the table and Reborn was there, putting aside their differences, putting aside the terms 'student' and 'tutor' so he could return Tsuna's desperate embrace as well as he could.
"You're not alone in this. I am here."y
And Tsuna, breathless with tears and body shaking like a leaf in a wind, could only croak out a whispered thanks, that was returned with Reborn's hands tightening their tiny grip on the edges of his shirt.
Sorry for the long wait all! This is a much needed chat and comfort for Tsuna between him and Reborn, so no death, but a little bit (a lot?) of angst I suppose lol.
Hope you enjoyed it! And I apologise for any mistakes, this is unbeta'd still lol. On a side note, if you'd like to help me work on this story, feel free to drop me a PM and we can discuss stuff! I like to pick out as many blips as possible but I still miss a lot of them.