The night of Lexa's funeral Clarke doesn't go back to her old room, leaving it for her mother and Kane to sleep in. She doesn't even go to the Lexa's chambers, because it hurts too much to sleep there without her. Honestly, Clarke isn't even sure whether she should try to get some sleep at all, since every time she closes her eyes all she can see are images of her girlfriend.
She's been wandering the hallways of the tower for a while, when she catches a glimpse of Titus leaving the Natblida's quarters. As the man walks towards her, Clarke takes the chance to ask him about the kids.
"How are they doing?"
"They're sad, obviously. And they are worried about the Conclave as well."
"The Conclave…" She has completely forgotten about it. "When does it start?"
"Tomorrow." Clarke looks at him in shock. "I'm afraid they're not going to be able to get much sleep tonight. Especially the youngest."
"Perhaps I could stay with them for the night." She asks hesitantly, because she's sure the man won't like the idea. I think… I think I can get them to sleep peacefully for a few hours at least." To her surprise, Titus hesitates only a second before nodding in agreement.
Clarke gives him a thankful nod in return, and then she slips into the Natblida's dormitory. Once inside, she finds the kids sitting in circle on the floor. Clarke can see they are talking, but she cannot understand what they're saying from where she's standing by the door. As soon as her footsteps resonate in the room, all of their eyes move up to look at her. None of them moves from their place on the floor, though. As she walks towards them, Clarke notices they all have tears in their eyes. That sight is heartbreaking, and she has to gather up all her strength in order to hold back her own tears. With a deep breath, she manages to smile softly at them before talking.
"Titus said I can sleep here with you tonight. If that's okay with you, of course." She smiles a bit more when she sees them nod eagerly at the idea of having her with them for an entire night.
"We were sharing our best memories of Lexa... Do you wanna join us?" A girl that goes by the name of Skye asks her.
Clarke hesitates a moment. She really wants to be there for these kids, but she's not at the same time she's not ready to talk about Lexa just yet. She swallows heavily and, when she's about to accept, Aden speaks.
"Maybe you can just sit down and listen for now. It's okay if you're not ready to talk about her." Aden offers, and every other Natblida nods along with him. They might be just kids, but they are smart enough to understand that Clarke is hurting a lot right now. Even if she's doing the best she can not to let it show in front of them.
Clarke accepts the offer with a heavy heart, because knows listening to their stories about Lexa won't be any easier. With a deep breath, she goes to sit down between Trish and Cal, the youngest Nightbloods.
She listens for a good couple of hours as the kids take turns remembering their favorite moments with their Heda. At last, they run out of stories to tell, and the room falls quiet. Nobody says a word for a good minute, until Trish finds the courage to break the silence.
"Clarke?"
"Yes, sweetie?"
"I don't wanna die…" She says in a voice so small Clarke almost misses it.
"What?" That's not what Clarke was expecting her to say. Of course, she knows that nine of these kids will have to die during the Conclave, but she just hasn't had time to process that information just yet.
"The Conclave starts tomorrow, and we both know there's no way I'm gonna win…" When her voice cracks, and tears fall down her cheeks, Clarke moves to bring her in for a tight hug.
She doesn't know what to say, because "everything's gonna be okay" is a lie not even a child would believe in such a circumstance. Suddenly, the realization that she's about to lose other people she loves dawns on Clarke, and she can't breathe. All the air is sucked from her lungs for a moment. She's on the verge of having a real panic attack, but her will not to worry the kids is strong enough to get to force some air back into her lungs. With a series of deep inhales, she manages to stable her breathing and regain control of herself. Because this is about the kids and not her. She needs to be strong for them right now. Lexa used to be the rock they lean on, but now it her job. Even if she feels more like a rock sinking to the bottom of the ocean than something strong they can hold onto.
No one in the circle seems to notice what is going on with her. Apart from Aden, that is. It's crazy how much alike he and Lexa truly are. No one's ever been able to read through her mind like these two. It doesn't matter how subtle she's been about her almost panic attack, Aden reads right through her silence, understanding exactly what she's feeling, and offering her a way out once again.
"We should try to get some sleep now. Come on, let's get into bed." He orders in the softest yet most commanding tone he can master. He really is a mini version of Lexa. With that he moves onto his bed, knowing the others will follow his example.
"You'll stay here, right?" Cal asks as he gets up from his place next to Clarke.
"I'll be right here watching over you. Ai swega em klin." I promise.
The little boy seems to be satisfied with her answer, and so does everyone else because with that they all move into their beds. As the slip under the covers, they all wish her good night in chorus. "Reshop, Klark."
"Goodnight." She whispers, not trusting her voice with any louder tone as her eyes fill with tears.
Reshop, Heda.
Goodnight, Ambassador.
There it goes again. She's afraid that little voice inside her head replaying her and Lexa's words will hunt her forever. And although every flashback is like a blade running through her heart, Clarke doesn't want them to stop. Because she doesn't want to forget a single thing about her time with Lexa, and she never wants to forget the soothing sound of her voice. Nevertheless, Clarke refuses to get any sleep, because she knows those images of Lexa's dead body will come hunting her in her dreams. And she can't deal with them right now. Finn was her first love, and she had to kill him. Lexa was her home, and now she's dead. The Nightbloods are her family, and only one of them will survive the Conclave. Why does she have to keep losing everyone she cares about?!
Not everyone. Not you.
Oh God! She's going to get mad. She covers her ears with her hands as she shakes her head fiercely to get the voices and thoughts out of her mind.
It's okay. You're safe.
It doesn't work, of course. The voice is still there, and Clarke can't stop herself from sobbing quietly in her hands, trying not to wake the kids up.
You bleed for nothing. You cannot stop this.
Wait what? She's not bleed- Suddenly, Clarke feels a sharp pain cursing through her hands, and that's when she realizes that in her attempt to block the memories out she must've dug her nails a bit too hard into her palms, causing them to bleed.
The pain will never go away.
She can't breathe. She can't-
This is wrong!
It is also are only choice and you know it.
The dead are gone, Clarke. The living are hungry.
You wanna know why I saved you? Because I need you.
Then be ready to fight.
And with that Clarke passes out.
"Clarke. Clarke, wake up! Come on, you need to breathe! Clarke!" It's Aden's panicked voice to bring her back to consciousness. She feels her lungs burning, and she sits up quickly to help her lungs fill with air again. Clarke welcomes the fresh intake of air with a loud gasp, and as soon as Aden sees she's breathing again, he throws his arms around her neck letting out a relieved sigh. He keeps his hold tight around her, but not too much, allowing Clarke to inhale a proper amount of air.
"I'm sorry I woke you." Clarke says when she realizes nine pairs of eyes are staring at her worriedly.
"Don't you dare scare us like that again." Aden cries in the crook of her neck, and she pushes him back by his shoulders so she can look him in the eyes. With her thumb she brushes away the tears streaking down his cheeks, and then she speaks softly.
"Hey, I'm okay. I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm fine now. I promise." She doesn't move her eyes away from his, until Aden gives her a small nod.
"You still have a few hours before the Conclave starts. Go back to sleep." She tells everyone as she moves to stand up.
"Where are you going?" Skye asks, refusing to lie back down.
"I'm sorry, I know I said I would stay here with you all night, but I need some fresh air right now."
"We'll see you in the morning?" Vin, a twelve-year-old boy, asks in a hopeful tone from behind her.
"Of course." She answers without hesitation as she ruffles the boy's hair, smiling kindly at him.
She makes sure everyone is back in their beds before leaving the room to go for a walk around the still empty streets of Polis.
"No, there has to be another way!" Clarke shouts, finally losing it.
She and Titus have been arguing for at least forty minutes, because she won't just let her kids die without a fight. She's been trying to convince him to find an alternative in which the Nightbloods don't have to kill each other in order to elect a new Commander, but the man will hear no reason.
"There isn't! This has been the way of our people ever since Pramheda, you can't just come down here from the sky and expect us to change all of our oldest traditions just because you and your people don't like them!" He shouts back just as loudly.
"I've just lost Lexa, I'm not gonna sit there and watch them die as well!" That's it! Clarke's done trying to talk some sense into him, it's time for her to act, whether he agrees or not. They're just kids, they're still alive and hungry, and it is her job to protect them now.
"Where do you think you're going?! This discussion is not over yet!" Titus yells at her back as she's storming out of the throne room.
"Yes, it is." Clarke says firmly as she comes to a stop by the doors. Before the man can object, she adds: "Plus, someone needs to go wake the kids up." And with that, she walks down the hallway to the Natblida's quarters.
She's about to knock on the door when she gets an idea. There is one thing she was able to catch during the last meeting they had in Arkadia: Skaikru had to bring some of their medical supplies to the capital as an offer to the Coalition that welcomed them as one of their own. Clarke remembers a trick her mother uses from time to time, when the patients start bleeding out during a surgery. Hopefully, among the medical supplies, she'll find the drugs necessary for it to work. Without bothering to consider that her mom and Kane might still be asleep, Clarke rushes to her room, and enters without knocking.
"What the hell?! Clarke? Honey, what are you doing here at dawn?" Her mother asks as she moves to sit up, resting her back on the headboard.
Clarke takes a moment to look at the man under the covers next to Abby. She's been aware of their closeness for a while now, but it doesn't make it any less weird. When her mom clears her throat, she finally explains herself.
"I need your help. You brought some of Arkadia's medical supplies as an offer to Polis, right?" All she gets in response is two pairs of shocked eyes staring back at her.
"What? I had a few moments when I wasn't completely out of it during the meeting." Clarke says, understanding the two must've thought she wasn't paying attention when they talked about it with Lexa's generals.
Abby and Kane look a little less shocked now, but they still do not answer her question, so she asks again. "Do you have the supplies with you, or not?"
"Ye-yeah… I still haven't got the chance to bring them to the medical center... They're in that box by the armchair, why? What do you need?" Abby finally answers as she gets out of bed to reach her daughter.
"The drugs you use to stop your patients' hearts momentarily when they're bleeding out, and the adrenaline... did you bring some of those too?"
"I did…" Abby says with some hesitance. "Clarke... What's going on?" She's now standing in front of her daughter, staring at her worriedly and questioningly.
"It's the Nightbloods. I'm trying to find a way to keep them alive. They're just kids, mom. They shouldn't have to kill each other to choose a new Commander."
"What's your plan?" Kane asks coming to stand with them.
"They'll just have to pretend to kill each other. I'll give each of them a small capsule containing the drug, and as they go down, they'll have to break it with their teeth and swallow the content. A healer is charged to go make sure they're really dead before they are brought out of the arena. We'll have a couple of minutes to give them the adrenaline, and restart their hearts." She can barely finish talking before her mother hisses at her.
"This is crazy! What if something goes wrong?! What if someone catches us?! What if it'll take the healer more than just a couple of minutes to confirm their death, and take them out of the arena? We won't be able to get their hearts to beat again then."
"I know it's risky, okay! If you don't want a part in it, I get it! But I'm not gonna stand there, and do nothing when there's a chance that I can save them!" Clarke's voice wavers as she shouts the last words. With a deep breath she gets herself back together, and then she speaks again, hoping Abby will understand why she's willing to risk everything on this. "They're the closest thing I have to a family. I can't lose them too."
Thankfully, Abby does not make a remark on the fact that she and her people are actually her family. Her mother knows what she means, even if it hurts a little to hear say that. So, she agrees. "Okay. We'll do this. But we need to explain to the kids exactly what it is that they need to do in order for this to work out right."
"Thank you." Clarke says hugging her mother gratefully.
Clarke and Abby are giving the adrenaline to the last Nightblood when Aden comes rushing into the room.
"Ti-Titus..." That's all he manages to say, out of breath as he is, before the bald man bursts into the room behind him, and starts shouting at Clarke.
"What is the meaning of this?!"
"I told you I wasn't gonna let them d-" She tries, but Titus cuts her off.
"What did you do?!"
What did you do?
What you would've done. Saved my people.
For once, Clarke's actually grateful for that voice inside her head.
"What Lexa would've done. Saved her people." She answers standing her ground. "Lexa believed Aden would be the one to succeed her. We've just respected the Commander's choice."
"The Commander's choice?! Not always the Natblida chosen by a Commander is the one to win the Conclave! Lexa's had faith in Aden's abilities to win, but it doesn't mean her spirit would've made the same choice!" He shouts as he moves closer and closer to Clarke, up until the point where there's almost no personal space between the two of them.
Clarke isn't afraid though. She keeps her head held high, and she doesn't back down. "You did it yourself with Costia before, why is this any different?!"
"That was one person, this is nine kids we're talking about! How am I supposed to hide them all?!"
"It's quite easy actually. The people of Polis don't know what they look like. At least not well enough to recognize them as the Nightbloods who have supposedly died in the Conclave."
"So, you want me to what? Send them out of the tower into the city streets, hoping someone will find them and offer them a place to stay, or even a family perhaps?" Titus isn't serious about it, obviously, but it gives Clarke an idea.
"Are there any orphanages?" she asks.
Titus looks at her for a moment before it clicks. "That's not happening." He says in a tone that doesn't leave space for arguments.
"Ok, you know what? Why don't we just let them stay here, inside the tower? This is their home after all, and we're their family. We'll just keep them inside, and no one will notice they're still alive. Once they grow old enough to take care of themselves, we'll let them go outside to live the life they want among their people. By then, they won't be children anymore, and nobody will be able to recognize them."
"Except for the fact that, every time they bleed, they shed black blood." Titus says matter-of-factly.
"We'll all be careful." Clarke waits a second before adding: "Titus. I know you're not heartless. You cared about Lexa, and I know you care about these kids as well. Just like I know you're actually glad they are not dead. Look, I'm sorry I broke the rules, but I'm not sorry I saved their lives. We'll figure it out, okay?" She knows he's given up his fight when he sighs heavily, and shakes his head.
"You're lucky Lexa and the Nightbloods love you."
"Please… everyone knows deep down you care about me too." She dares to joke now that they're not yelling at each other anymore.
Titus gives her an exasperated shake of his head when she smirks proudly at him. "If you say so, Wanheda."
"I know so. Fleimkepa."
Author's note: How about some cliffhanger, huh? Oh well, I'm gonna give it to you anyway (*smirking face*)
Clarke goes to sleep in Lexa's room that night, for in the morning the new Commander will move into it, and all of Lexa's things will be gone.
She puts on her blue nightgown, and she slips under the covers. She's just so tired. It's been days since she last had a good night of sleep, but everything around her smells like Lexa, and she can't stop thinking about her. She tries rolling onto her side, and hugging her girlfriend's pillow as if it were Lexa, but of course, it doesn't work. She misses Lexa's strong arms securing her against her body, she misses her warmth, her smile, her voice, her... Her. She just misses her. Now that she's finally alone, Clarke doesn't need to be strong anymore. So she just let's it all out, sobbing hard into Lexa's pillow. She cries like that for what feels like forever, until she has no tears left to cry. She's so worn out she can barely move, but just when she's about to succumb to sleep, she remembers something.
"The chip." She whispers to herself as she forces her tired body out of bed.
Clarke goes through her bags looking for the Key to the City of Light, or whatever Jaha said it was called. When she finds it, she goes out onto the balcony, and she sits down onto its cold floor. She moves her gaze up to the stars before whispering: "I'll see you soon, my love."
And with that she swallows the chip, and closes her eyes. She focuses her mind on the person she wants so much to be able to hold again.
Lexa.