ABNEGATION HELLIONS

CHAPTER FOUR

Four POV

As Eric and I enter Max's office, I am steeled behind what Zeke calls my "Four face". It is the hard expression of an intimidating, emotionless Dauntless soldier, and when I wear it, the vulnerability that is present when I'm my real self ― Tobias, Tris's Tobias ― is locked behind impenetrable, protective walls. This is the Four that Max knows, and it is the only version of me that I can be to make it through this situation.

Before that newspaper article was released and I found out that I was a father, I only looked ahead to Tris's arrival with excitement. But ever since that day, I have anticipated the Choosing Day with a confusing tornado of emotion: excitement, longing, fear, uncertainty, anxiety. I was already slated to be her instructor. I could have asked to switch with Lauren and instructed the Dauntless-born instead… I could have stepped aside altogether. But I didn't. I want to be with Beatrice as much as possible, and even more than that… I want to protect her. Especially after seeing her attacked on the control room screens.

I don't regret my decision. I was uncertain how wise it was, but then when that Candor prick shoved her off the chasm earlier today, I was sure that this is where I need to be. If Eric has figured it out already, if they make me step aside, she will have Uriah, I remind myself. But I want to be there myself, I want to be sure that she will be safe. As safe as she can be here in Dauntless, anyway.

"Four, hello," Max says. "Take a seat." He gestures to the two hard chairs facing him from the other side of his desk. I would rather stand, but I do as I am told. Eric takes the seat next to me, crossing a leg over his knee and leaning back with his arms crossed over his chest. He eyes me, smirking.

"We need to discuss the Abnegation initiate, Beatrice Prior," Max says, skipping any further pleasantries and jumping right in.

I nod. "Yes, Eric said that you wanted to discuss the details of her… situation," I say. "And she goes by Tris now." So far, so good…

"Yes," Max says slowly. He runs his hand over his face and sighs. "Along with the initiate files sent over after the ceremony, we received the records for Tris's babies ― including their names. Their full names." My face falls, cold Four persona faltering for just a second, and my pulse rushes in my ears. Shit. "I'm sure you already know where I'm going with this. I haven't forgotten who you are or where you came from." I swallow hard and nod slowly. "I also know that Eric gave you and Zeke the Erudite report about their birth, so you were aware that you probably had some children coming to Dauntless this year." Eric snickers.

I look down and take a deep breath. I don't want this dragged out any longer, I want to know what will happen to us. "What will this mean for Tris, and me, and initiation? Can I still be an instructor?"

Max eyes Eric and nods slowly. Eric's smirk drops from his face, he looks furious. He really thought he had me this time.

"I still want you to instruct the transfers. You're a good teacher, Four. Before he passed, Amar mentioned that you helped some fellow initiates and probably saved them from failing initiation." It was really only Shauna, but it's true ― she did improve a lot. "We need well-trained soldiers. However, Eric will, ultimately, be in charge of initiation this year. He will calculate the transfer initiates' scores and rankings, so you will need to arrange training to work with his schedule. Any activity that counts toward rankings, Eric needs to be there. Is that clear?"

My stomach clenches. I hate Eric. I don't want him around Tris. In fact, I would prefer to avoid having him interact with any of my initiates, any more than is absolutely necessary. But there is really not much I can do about it.

"I understand, sir."

Max pulls a glass and a bottle of amber-colored liquor out of a drawer. He pours himself a glass and brings it to his lips. Eric clears his throat and with an eyeroll, Max takes out another glass and pours about an inch of liquor in. He raises an eyebrow at me next, but I shake my head to decline.

"Now, about the babies," he continues, pausing to savor another mouthful of the spirits. "They're your kids, so Dauntless expects you to pay half of their daycare, food, clothing, and whatever else they need. The faction will provide the rest as their mother is a Dauntless initiate. Eric will make sure the funds are added to Tris's standard stipend."

"Of course. Thank you for providing a portion on Tris's behalf, sir."

Max nods and gestures to the door, dismissing me. I stand and walk toward the door. My whole body is tense from the conversation and in anticipation of all the time I will be spending with Eric over the next month.

"And, Four," Max calls as I reach the door, "I don't know whether you and Tris are still together, and I don't care. But you two should keep your relationship quiet until after initiation is over. It's in her best interest." With one more nod, I exit the head leader's office. I pause when I make it around the first corner at the end of the hallway and let all the air out of my lungs, and much of my tension with it.

I think about Max's advice to keep my relationship with Beatrice quiet. That had already been our plan, I was mostly worried about hiding from leadership. But Max is right, especially with psychopaths like Peter around. I don't think it would matter if Max himself told the initiates that I will have nothing to do with their scores. If Tris does well ― and I suspect that she will, as she has been training for three years and is the bravest person I know ― they will be jealous, and a relationship with their instructor will only add to their anger. She is already enough of a target, because of the babies and her Abnegation origins.

I run my hand over my face once before continuing toward my apartment. This is going to be one long, stressful month.

-oOo-

I get to the Chasm five minutes early, at eleven twenty-five. While the bars are still busy and there are still a few people walking through the faction here and there, most people have at least gone home for the night. Initiates have a curfew and set lights out time, so they should all be in bed and not wandering the compound where they might see us together.

I lean back against the simple metal railing that provides the only barrier from falling into the Chasm. While I wait for Tris, I wonder if she will come alone, or bring the babies. I am sure she told Uriah where she was going. I do want to see my children, but more than anything, I want to see Tris. Alone. We have not been alone even once in over a year now and I have missed how close we always were. She will probably come alone, I decide. It would be hard to leave the dormitory unnoticed with the babies, and Uriah knows how to take care of them. I wonder if I will ever be as comfortable with them as he is.

I glance toward the camera hidden in a light on a nearby rock wall. Because I work in the control room, I know where all the cameras are, though most Dauntless aren't even aware that nearly every public move they make is recorded and watched. Zeke is working tonight, probably watching me right now. It took him over a month to speak to me again after we found out about the twins' birth, and another month after that before I really thought we would ever be friends again.

Those few months were particularly hard on Shauna. She never abandoned her friendship with me, even though she was dating Zeke and he made it very clear that he did not approve. In the end, it was Shauna who chewed Zeke out and convinced him to speak to me again. We never really told her exactly what our fight was about, but she knew that Zeke was angry about the news he received about his sister. Shauna may not be Erudite, but she knows what faction I came from and that Zeke and I have been friends for most of our lives. It wasn't hard for her to work it out. I am not even sure if Zeke would have forgiven Tris yet had it not been for Shauna's tough love.

I snap out of my thoughts when I see Tris approaching and I quickly break into a smile. She grins back at me. My arms flinch, I start to reach for her by instinct but I stop myself. I cannot touch her, not in public. Not yet. We stand a little closer than we probably should, but still neither of us distances ourselves from the other.

"Hi," she smiles.

"Hi," I grin back, then I struggle to wipe the happiness off my face and look like my usual emotionless self. It's hard, nearly impossible, but I think I manage it. As long as no one looks too close, anyway. "Come on, let's go somewhere more private." Again I start to reach for her hand, but then realize what I am doing and let my arm fall back to my side. How will I ever get through a month of initiation?

"Your place?" Tris asks hopefully, raising an eyebrow. The corners of my mouth twitch. I nod and then start walking away from the Chasm, motioning with one hand for her to follow me.

We don't pass anyone I know on the way to my apartment. When the door is closed behind us I breathe out; I feel like I didn't breathe all the way here.

Tris walks to the middle of my large studio apartment and slowly turns in a circle, looking around. She pauses reading the wall where I have spray painted the words FEAR GOD ALONE.

"I know it's not ideal…" I say, scratching the back of my neck. "I was thinking once you finish initiation, we can put in for a different apartment… one for a family, so that the twins can have their own room and we can have some privacy... " Tris turns back to me with a smile slowly forming on her face as I continue to ramble. "I don't know if we will even bring the babies here at all during initiation so I don't have anything set up for them. But if you think I'll be keeping them here at all, we can get a crib now. I just thought… maybe it's better to wait until we're moving into the new place…" She's grinning at me. I smile back. "What?"

"You want us to live with you?" she asks.

My mouth falls open. Of course I want her to live with me. What if she doesn't want that? "Oh… I just assumed…" I swallow hard. I feel sick to my stomach, I can't believe I never considered that maybe she wasn't as sure as I was. "If… if you don't want to then… I mean, we don't have to, I just thought…"

"Yes, Tobias," she breathes as she steps toward me and closes the distance between us. She wraps her arms around my body. "Of course I want that, too. I just wasn't sure that was what you wanted."

I sigh in total relief and hug her back. "It's all I've ever wanted, Beatrice," I murmur. She tilts her chin up to look at me, and I can't wait a moment longer ― I close the distance between us and crash my lips against hers. We kiss each other hungrily… it has been too long since we could really just be Tobias and Beatrice. When she isn't with me, it is like a piece of me is missing.

I pull back and look at her. "You can't imagine how much I've missed you," I say as I catch my breath.

Tris smiles. "Oh, I definitely can imagine it, because I have missed you just as much," Tris says. "I love you."

"I love you too," I murmur just before I capture her lips with mine again.

While we kiss, I slowly walk her backward until she stops when I have her pressed against my bed. We stumble back onto the bed and I cover her body with mine. Our hands and lips roam each other's bodies, re-exploring territory we mapped long ago as a pile of discarded clothing slowly forms on the floor next to the bed. And finally, finally, we connect again, in body and soul.