ABNEGATION HELLIONS

CHAPTER 14

Four POV

Zeke put Landon down in the bedroom after he fell asleep, but Adeline simply will not stop crying. I swear this baby hates me. Tris says our daughter is just cranky, and yeah, she does cry with Tris and with Uriah, too, but they both can get her to calm down after a bit. Even Shauna can. But me? Nope. I am completely incapable of soothing her. I have fed her, burped her, changed her. I've let her crawl around ― she just sat there and sobbed. I even tried singing to her, and I have never sung in my life. I have walked her all around. She must be exhausted by now, but I don't see sleep coming for her anytime soon.

"I need a break," I say desperately to Zeke. "Can you take her for a few minutes?" He gives me the same pissed off look he has had on his face since the infirmary. "Please?"

Zeke sighs dramatically. "Fine." He doesn't get out of his chair so I go to him and gently settle Adeline in his arms.

"You might want to get up and walk around," I say. "Tris told me once that Adeline likes that. That was a few months ago, but it's probably still true. Didn't work for me, but nothing really does." I mutter the last part almost under my breath.

I walk to the bathroom and go inside. When I glance back at Zeke, he is glaring at me. I shut the bathroom door and sit on the toilet, on top of the closed lid.

This whole day has been a disaster. First, Tris falling out of the train; she is very lucky she wasn't hurt worse. The train doesn't slow down much there, and people can die being pushed from moving trains. That's probably exactly what Peter was hoping for.

Then Eric's response to the situation. I knew as soon as Max shooed me away without even listening that nothing would be done. Worse, Eric made it clear that my relationship with Tris was a major factor ― or his excuse, at least ― for providing more leniency with Peter and his little posse. He couldn't be sure that my retelling of the situation was entirely accurate, he said. I will try again to speak with Max tomorrow, but I have a sinking feeling that it won't do any good.

And then there's Zeke. When I have a chance to speak with Tris, I intend to ask her to complain about that nurse. It could look a little strange if I were the one to say something, as only the leaders know that I am Tris's boyfriend and the twins' father. I couldn't believe it when she practically shouted out the words "birth control shot." I can admit that my first reaction, for a split second there, was definitely positive. But then Zeke shouted and I knew exactly what I was in for.

Zeke is generally a fun, laid-back guy. You would be surprised, though, at how long he can hold a grudge… particularly when it involves one of his siblings.

When Zeke and I were nine years old, a couple of Candor boys at school were relentlessly teasing me for being friends with a "little girl." It was a few months after my mother died, and I was adjusting to my new life as Marcus's slave and personal punching bag. Maybe it was because he often told me to 'be a man,' usually when I cried. I hadn't learned to take the punches and whippings silently yet, and a few times I had cried over my mother's death.

Looking back, it is hard for me to fathom how I could have possibly given in to those boys' taunting. Beatrice was one of my best friends, second (barely) at the time to Ezekiel, and she understood me in a special way. She would often just sit with me ― right next to me, with our upper arms and our hips touching ― not saying anything, not even looking at me. She would just sit there and be with me, precisely when that was exactly what I needed in my grief for my mother. I never had to tell her to. She just knew. A couple of times, we weren't even together ― she was at home having dinner with her family, and I was sitting alone in the meadow. And suddenly Beatrice appeared beside me. She sat down beside me, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip, and she reached over and took my hand in hers. Neither of us ever said a word that night. We just sat there watching the fading sunset turn to dusk, holding hands in the innocent way children do, for friendship and comfort.

Despite all that, I gave into the teasing and I began to ignore Beatrice anytime we were outside Abnegation. I refused to be seen walking with her when we reached school, and pretended not to hear her if she would greet me in the hall at school. The Candor boys laughed at the way tears gathered in her eyes, and I did nothing. Zeke defended his sister and glared at me.

After a few days, Tris was still trying to speak to me in the halls of the school. I was tired of the guilt that tugged at my heart every time I had to ignore her and I wished she would just stop trying. I was almost angry at her for being so persistent. And I snapped. I turned and yelled at her right there in the school hallway. I told her to stop annoying me, and couldn't she see that I wasn't going to answer her?

Beatrice cried. The Candor boys laughed hysterically. Ezekiel pushed me into the wall. I hung my head in total disappointment at myself.

I got my head out of my ass after that, and Beatrice and I made up a week later. But Ezekiel didn't speak to me for over a month, other than the two times he yelled at me.

I put my head in my hands and groan. Really, Zeke is being kind of ridiculous. Obviously Tris and I had sex in Abnegation, of course we would rekindle that part of our relationship in Dauntless. And we did, quickly after she arrived here. I really don't feel like playing silent treatment with him over this.

Suddenly I realize that the background noise my crying daughter has been providing us with has faded out. Did he actually get her to sleep?! See, like I said, that child hates me. She seems to like her uncles well enough, though.

I stand in front of the door and take a deep breath and let it out before turning the lock back. I need to hash it out with Zeke and make him see that he is being irrational. I turn the handle and walk back into the living room.

The room is empty. I sit down on the couch and wait, and after a minute Zeke comes back in. He sits back in his worn armchair- it reminds me of the ones we had back in Abnegation, except it's a faded black instead of light gray- and glares at me before he reaches for the remote control. We didn't have television in Abnegation, and I still don't have one. But when Shauna and Zeke moved in together last month, a television was one of her contributions to their newly shared apartment.

"So, how long are you going to give me the silent treatment this time, Ezekiel?" I ask lightly. He glares at me hearing his given name.

"Depends how long you keep pissing me off, Tobias," he shoots back. I grit my teeth hearing him use my real name. I should have expected it when I used his first, though, so I don't comment. Instead, I just roll my eyes.

I lean forward, toward him, with my elbows on my knees. "Look, Zeke, I thought we were past you being pissed about Tris and me in general. Stop acting like a lower-levels child," I say bluntly.

Zeke glares. Then he rolls his eyes. "Fine," he says. "I don't like it, though. Let's just watch a movie or something."

I nod in agreement, and Zeke goes to the DVD shelf and debates between two of Shauna's movie discs before selecting a comedy.

-oOo-

By the time Tris and Uriah came for the baby twins, I was exhausted. How does she do this all the time? Even usually having Uriah's help… Adeline's crying is exhausting.

Then again, I don't think Adeline cries as long or as hard when her mommy and Uncle Uriah are with her. I can't help feeling a bit jealous.

At first I plan to go home, but instead, I end up finding myself standing at the railing to the Chasm. Since I'm already here, I decide to go down into the gulley. There is a path that leads down to the water. It blends so well into the rock walls of the ravine that if you don't know what you're looking for, it would be nearly impossible to notice. Zeke discovered it soon after our initiation, when he briefly dated a girl whose mother worked in Chasm Maintenance. He took Shauna and me down there to hang out, but we only did so a few times. In the past eight or nine months, I have only come here alone, when I want peace and quiet and a place to think ― or to just zone out and not think at all.

Zoning out is what I am here to do today. The white water of the chasm roars around me, drowning out the echoes of Adeline's wailing that still seems to ring in my ears almost an hour after I was separated from her. It also drowns out the sound of footsteps approaching, and I don't notice that I am no longer alone until Shauna appears beside me, dangling her feet off the edge of the large, flat rock I use as a seat.

Shauna bumps my shoulder with hers and smiles almost sadly when I look over at her. "Thought I'd find you here," she says.

"How did you know?" I didn't think she and Zeke knew that I still came down here.

She chuckles. "I'm more observant than you think. I've seen you disappear down here a couple of times, particularly when you first found out about the babies. Zeke told me it had been a rough day, so I went by your apartment, but you didn't answer. I figured you might be in a bit of a mood and would probably come here."

"Didn't know I was so predictable."

Shauna shrugs. "Only to those who know you well." Her words remind me, for the second time today, of how Tris has always known what I was feeling and just what I needed from her. For such a long time before things became romantic between us, she was the best friend I could possibly ask for. No one could ever compare with Beatrice, but Shauna came probably as close as anyone could to filling that void for me over this past year.

Sometimes you need a Zeke, someone who will brighten things up and make sure you don't take life too seriously ― though he has certainly failed in some of my most vulnerable moments, because they were some of his most vulnerable as well. But sometimes, you need a friend who will just be there, without trying to change your reality or make light of your troubles.

"Zeke told me about Tris getting that shot," Shauna says. She's trying to keep a straight face, but the corners of her mouth keep twitching upward.

I scrub my face with my hands and Shauna finally bursts out laughing. Her reaction is infectious and soon I find myself snickering and grinning, too. When I really think about it… it is kind of funny. "Let me guess, Zeke is still pissed and ranted to you about it."

"Yes, he ranted," she confirms, "but no, he's not mad. He and I talked, he's over it."

"He can't have seriously thought that Tris and I wouldn't continue our… um…" I wave my hand vaguely, not able to say the words aloud, "...once she got here."

"God, you Stiffs!" Shauna laughs. "You can say the word 'sex,' you know."

My cheeks heat up and I know I'm blushing. I shake my head.

Shauna rolls her eyes. "Well, you're right, he didn't actually think that. He just doesn't want to be reminded of it. She's his baby sister, after all."

"She's hardly a baby any more, Shauna. She is the mother of two children."

Shauna shrugs. "Lynn and Hector will always be my baby sister and brother. That's just how it is when you have siblings." I wouldn't know. But thinking about it makes me glad that Landon and Adeline will always have each other, just like Tris and Uriah do. "So how are things going with Tris here? Be honest," she warns sternly.

"This isn't Candor," I tease, and she hits me playfully on the shoulder. "The honest answer, huh?" Shauna nods and I think for a moment. "I don't know, Shauna," I say, hanging my head. "I thought- I thought once Tris got here everything would be perfect, you know? My life was gonna be perfect, I was going to have everything I always wanted. And don't get me wrong… I do love those babies. I don't really know them yet, but I do love them." I sigh and Shauna rubs my arm with her hand sympathetically.

The words continue to just spill from my lips. "Adeline never stops crying, especially when she's with me. Eric is out to get Tris because of his grudge against me and Zeke. Peter seems hellbent on killing her- and that isn't an exaggeration. Seriously, he pushed her off a moving train today. I barely get any time alone with her, Zeke is pissed off, Max won't listen to me and I don't know if I can protect her…" I stare down at the rapids just a couple of yards below and watch the mist attach more water droplets to my boots.

"Maybe she doesn't need you to protect her," Shauna suggests carefully. "Initiation only lasts a few weeks, and she knows how to take care of herself. Four, this is all going to be an adjustment for you. Give it time."

I groan. Give it time. I don't want to give it more time, I want to finally be with Tris. We had to hide in Abnegation, we were basically completely unable to see one another for an entire year, and now… now it's more waiting. "It's even harder now, you know? Waiting. She's right there. Standing in front of me all day. It's like someone is following me around with a piece of Dauntless cake and telling me I have to wait till tomorrow to eat it.

"And it's not only that. It's that we've had to hide, we've had to wait and wait, and with this asshole Peter after her, and Eric's bullshit… I feel like something really bad will happen to her. Like now when we are so close to what we have been waiting for, something will happen and it will all slip away from me forever. What if we never get our happily ever after?"

I don't come out and say what I'm really feeling ― that I'm afraid. Shauna knows that I have only four fears, but she doesn't know that from the day I entered Dauntless as a new initiate, my worst fear has been losing Tris.

"She's got you to watch over her, Four. And her brothers, and me, and her friends. She'll be alright."

"She'd better be," I grumble. And then we sit by the Chasm together in silence for a long time.