Author's Note: I'm back! If you just want to get to the story, feel free to skip this author's note.

That was a really long break, a lot longer than I wanted or expected. When I left a year and a half ago, I was in a really dark place. I was first seeking further help with the depression and anxiety I struggle with. I got sort of a jump start at that and learned some new coping skills to deal with everything. Then it seemed like right after, we started on this series of unfortunate events where for a whole year we (myself and my family) just could not catch a break. I thought things would get better in 2021, but it seems I jinxed myself pretty badly saying so too many times.

I think things are settling down (I hope it lasts for a while, anyway). I am a long way from bright-and-shiny so I can't promise regular updates, and I'm leaving Count On Me on hold a bit longer. (How long? I do not know. I'm playing it by ear and seeing when I feel ready to have two in-progress stories at once.) I'll try and get the next chapter up within a couple weeks. Thanks for sticking with me!

ABNEGATION HELLIONS

CHAPTER 19

Tobias POV

I begin cleaning up the training room immediately after dismissing the initiates. Uriah is quickly out the door, to track down Tris, no doubt. Peter and Edward have wandered out before Will and Al, who has recovered from his short fight, help Christina to join Molly, Drew and Myra in the infirmary.

We have finished a little early today, but Lauren seems to have had the same idea as she wanders into my training room just after I put away the couple of punching bags I had set up to one side of the room. She hops up on the table and crosses one leg over the other. "Hi, Four," she says, smiling at me.

"Hi," I say, raising my eyebrows at her as I put away equipment.

"Stage one is over, we need to do the rankings."

Damn it. I really need to go find Tris, we need to talk. I hate fighting with her and after that display in training, I'm a bit worried. "I've gotta go deal with something." I check my watch. It's only about 4 o'clock.

"Well, we could do it later tonight if you want. Come to my place. I've got a nice bottle of wine I've been saving."

Better her place than mine. I don't really like many people in my personal space. "Is Eric available to meet with us then?" I ask.

"Do we need him there?" Lauren asks, wrinkling her nose. She doesn't like Eric any more than I do.

"Yes, he's in charge of scoring for a couple of my initiates."

"Why?" she balks.

I briefly study her, trying to decide how much I should tell her. I consider Lauren a friend, but in the looser sense of the word; I'm not close with her like I am with Zeke or Shauna and we have never talked about anything that personal. But we do have a common enemy in Eric.

"I have a conflict of interest when it comes to one of the initiates," I say slowly. She looks at me blankly. "Tris. We're together."

"The Stiff? Zeke's sister?" Her eyes go wide. "Wait... and the babies…"

"They're mine," I admit.

"Oh my god," Lauren says. I'm about to tell her to tone down the dramatics when what she says next stuns me. "You're Tobias Eaton."

I gape at her. "How did you…"

"You didn't see it yet? There was a new Erudite report. About it having been Marcus Eaton's son who knocked up Andrew Prior's daughter."

I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Fuck," I mutter. "Damn it."

"No one knows it's you," she reminds me.

"Yeah, for now, but I can't exactly keep it a secret. I can't pretend that those kids aren't mine, and I wouldn't want to. We were just waiting for the end of initiation. As soon as people realize I'm their father, they'll know where I came from ― who I used to be."

"And you don't want them to."

"No, I don't."

It's obvious that she has questions, but she sees that I am in no mood for it. "Try not to worry about it, Four. Dauntless love to gossip, but they move onto the next thing and forget very quickly. No one will be giving it a second thought by the time initiation ends, there's still another month to go."

I try to calm myself. "That's true… you might be right."

"Of course I'm right," she says. "Okay, so, rankings. We need Eric for Tris's scores."

"Can you find out when he's free and send me a message? I need a couple hours to deal with something. I can meet tonight, or maybe tomorrow afternoon. Send me a message with details."

"I not only have to see him to work out rankings, but I have to go talk to him now, too? You owe me for this, Four," Lauren complains, poking me in the chest.

"Yeah, and well, there's one more thing." I grimace at the annoyed look she gives me. "Can I count on you to have my back if Eric pulls anything? I'm worried that he won't be fair with Tris and Uriah's placement, just to try and get at me and Zeke."

Lauren rolls her eyes. "Of course. I've seen what they can do; they're skilled, and they work hard. I won't let any of the initiates be treated unfairly. No favors needed on that score."

"Thanks Lauren."

"I'll send you a message," she says in farewell.

Tris has been in Dauntless nearly a month now, long enough to have explored much of the compound. And for that reason, there are a lot of places she could be; it's likely that I don't even know all of her favorite haunts. But I'm tired of being angry at her, and her demeanor in training today makes me think something else has happened to upset her. I feel guilty realizing that I have literally no idea what's going on with her, because I was too busy ignoring her.

I start by checking the dining hall. It is too late for lunch and too early for dinner, so the big room is relatively empty. I see a few of her friends playing a card game at one of the tables, but no Tris. I go on to try Zeke's apartment ― no answer at the door there. Searching my mind, I go to the training room next. A couple of Dauntless-born initiates are playfully sparring in there, but none of the transfers.

In the initiate dorms I find Marlene and Uriah making out on Uriah's bed while the twins nap in their cribs. I consider leaving without saying anything, but I want to peek at my little ones so I clear my throat loudly, causing the two lovebirds to sit up abruptly. There is no one else here.

"Four," Uriah says. "Did Tris find you?"

My heart accelerates at his words. "No, and I've been looking for her for an hour." I go to Landon's crib and stroke his soft, chubby cheek gently with my thumb. "I've tried the dining hall, training room, your brother's place. Nothing."

I go to Adeline's crib and gaze at her beautiful little face, and my hand hovers over her wispy, soft blond hair, but don't dare touch her. If I wake her, Uriah could be stuck trying to calm her down for quite some time.

"Have you tried your apartment?" Uriah asks. "If she's not waiting for you there she might have given up by now. You could look for her by the chasm, or on the roof, or the net."

I nod, I hadn't thought of those places. I wish initiation was over so that I could really be with her. Then I would know where she liked to go instead of having to rely on her brother for information.

"Thanks, Uriah."

On my way to my apartment, I check my phone for a message from Lauren. Initiates don't receive communication devices until they become full members; if they did, it would be a lot easier to find Tris. I see that I do have a message from Lauren, and checking my watch, I find that I only have an hour and a half to find Beatrice and talk to her before I will need to meet Eric and Lauren at her apartment.

I find Tris sitting against the wall outside my apartment door. I try to smile at her and she tries to smile back. I know my smile falls as short as hers. I unlock my door and hold the door open for Tris, who bites her lip and glances around to be sure no one sees her before going into the apartment. She sits down, but I can see that she isn't relaxed. She doesn't sink back into the couch but sits near the edge of the cushion, her back straight, wiping her palms on her pants like she does when she is nervous.

I am relieved that I have found her, but now that the search is over I also feel apprehensive. All I have been thinking is that I need to talk to her so we can clear the air. I only thought of the outcome I wanted. Somehow, I never really considered what I would say.

I sit down next to her, neither of us looking at each other. I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to think. Deep down I know we need to talk about the fight we had a few days ago, but it is too easy to avoid it right now. "Tris," I say. "What happened in there today?"

"What do you mean?" she asks.

We're not even getting into the real issue yet, and already she is deflecting. "Don't give me that, Beatrice. You know exactly what I mean. I thought Christina was your friend but what I saw in there today… you were ruthless. It was like I didn't even know who you were." She flinches. "What's going on with you?"

She looks away. "It's nothing, Tobias. Don't worry about it. Christina and I had a fight, that's all."

I reach out for her, my hand cups her cheek. And she stiffens, eyes downcast, but she allows the contact. "That didn't look like nothing. Don't lie to me. I know something happened."

"There's a reason Candor and Abnegation usually avoid each other, Tobias. She didn't like me keeping secrets."

"Secrets," I repeat. I don't like where this is going.

Tris chews on her lower lip, and I see the moment she gives in. "She knows about us," Tris says. "I didn't tell her. She heard Marlene and Uriah talking. I was pissed that Uriah didn't tell me Marlene had figured it out, but it's too late to do anything about that. But, right after we ― right after knife throwing, Christina came at me all pissed that I didn't tell her, accused me of lying to her, right before proving every reason I had kept it to myself. She accused me of sleeping my way to the top even though it's exactly what she has been trying to do."

"What do you mean?" I ask, my mind racing. Trying to remember if I have seen Christina trying to flirt with Eric, while simultaneously worrying about that Erudite report that was released today ― will Christina go around telling everyone who I really am when she sees it and figures that out, too? Damn it, she was Candor, of course she will. Which cuts my time with Tris even shorter, because I'll have to go talk to Christina and ask her to keep it to herself.

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed, Tobias. She has been blatantly trying to flirt with you for a while now."

"She has?" I didn't ever really notice anything. I try to stay away from her, she doesn't have much awareness of personal space… oh. "I'm sorry, Tris. I thought it was just a Candor thing. Everything out in the open and all that."

Tris rolls her eyes. "Do you seriously not notice how girls look at you, Tobias? Half the time at lunch, I want to rip the piercings right out of Lauren's eyebrow. I just have to remind myself that she doesn't know we're together. But Christina knows and has kept trying anyway."

"Lauren too? I'm sorry, Tris, hopefully she won't do it anymore now that she knows about us. I had to tell her since it's why Eric is in charge of transfer scoring and rankings. But back to Christina, that wasn't all that happened, was it? There's more."

"Leave it alone, Tobias."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, this is starting to give me a headache. "Don't tell me it's nothing, Tris. It was like you completely checked out today."

"I really just don't want to talk about it. It was just an incident with Molly and Peter this morning. And I'm fine, but I was angry, and Christina was there when they started to bother me but didn't try to help me. She just left. She's supposed to be my friend."

"What did they do, Tris?" I grab her hand, and she lets me. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that doesn't seem like a good sign to me. I think if it was really not important, it wouldn't bother her so much. "I need to know."

"I really don't want to talk about it. I told you, I'm fine. I don't want to relive it. It's over, let it stay that way."

"Fine." Not knowing is only fueling my imagination and it makes me sick, but I see the stubborn determination in her eyes and know we are never going to make up if I keep pushing her. I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. "Tris, I miss you. I don't want to fight."

"Neither do I," Tris says. She takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry about the knife throwing, Tobias. I wasn't thinking about how it would feel for you, having to do that. Having me put you in that position."

"Tris," I say, "do you know what the last fear in my landscape is? The thing that, deep down, at my core, I fear more than anything?" Tris swallows and looks at me with her wide eyes already shining. "It isn't Marcus. Marcus is in my landscape, yes, but he isn't my greatest fear. My greatest fear, the one that completely cripples me, is losing you."

Tris' eyes brim with tears. She leans closer and brushes her fingers across my cheeks like a caress, sliding them back until they weave through my hair and her thumbs rest below my eyes. We both lean closer, and when our lips brush, something inside me snaps.

I hastily pull Tris into my lap and hold her close, pressing her into me, kissing her fiercely. We release all that heartache and loneliness and passion into one another, mapping one another's mouths with our tongues and bodies with our hands. We cannot remove clothing fast enough, we cannot stop to move to the bed. Our bodies come together reaffirming our love and need and desire for one another. I need her like I need air to breathe.

Later, lying together under a blanket on the couch, bare skin to bare skin, I relish in the quiet moment as long as I possibly can. Too soon, our time is up.

"We have to get up, love. I need to go by the infirmary before I meet with Eric and Lauren to do the rankings," I tell her regretfully. "But I'll see you at Zeke's tomorrow, and maybe we can find some time alone at some point if we're really lucky."

"Okay."

Reluctantly, we get up, swiftly start gathering up our clothes from the various places they landed and get dressed.

After one long, final kiss, Tris heads for the door. She stops with her hand on the handle.

"Tobias?" she asks.

"Hmm."

"Do you think Marcus will be there tomorrow?"

My stomach is weighted with dread. "I really hope not. I can't avoid the Pit completely tomorrow, I have to be there as an instructor."

Tris looks tense with worry. "He knows now. He'll want to see them."

"He's not going anywhere near our children. I will make sure of that," I promise, practically growling.

"Good," Tris says. "I love you."

"I love you too. I have to go." I kiss her forehead. I remember something and go to get the small item from a kitchen drawer.

Returning to Tris's side, I press the cold metal into her hand. She examines it in the light. "Is this…"

"The key to our apartment," I confirm. I can't help grinning at her. "You should be able to get into your own apartment." She smiles back and pulls my lips down to hers.