90% of child sexual abuse victims know who their abuser is. 30% of those children are abused by family members. The younger the child, the more likely abuse is from a family member. 50% of sexually abused children under five are victimized by a family member.
Information from: Darkness Into Light, an organization whose goal is to end childhood abuse.
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Chapter Eleven
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{o}-{o}-{o}
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Three weeks after Alexa moved in, she started worrying about being unable to work out. She tried to run every day, and she walked a lot, but a cast on her arm even made those things difficult.
It seemed to Mox she worried about it constantly. She was weighing herself several times a day, and nothing made her happy. If she was losing weight, she was sure it was muscle, if she was gaining weight she was sure it was fat. No matter how much he and Seth tried to explain to her that weight could fluctuate a few times during the day, she never seemed to believe it, or she didn't believe it applied to her. If she gained or lost weight, it was something defective in her.
She still cooked, but sometimes she would refuse to eat. "I ate earlier," she'd say, but Mox knew she was lying.
"Alexa, you need fuel," he told her the first night she played this game. "You can't starve yourself, you'll lose muscle doing that, too."
"That's easy for you to say!" she said.
He saw tears in her eyes, but instinctively knew they were frustration in liquid form. Alexa had made an identity for herself, she was an underground fighter, she was tough, she was strong, and would stay that way. Now she couldn't fight, she couldn't work out several hours a day. She feels she's losing part of herself, he thought. The most important part of all.
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He didn't know what to do until he walked down to the little shopping center, wondering if the thrift store might have some simple weights she could use with her good arm. Next door to the tiny center was a former grocery store that was now a gym. Not one of the name gyms, this one seemed to be privately owned. If Mox didn't have his job which kept him working out, he would have joined. He walked past the thrift store and went to the gym.
Mox had never tried to work out with a broken bone. He once had a terrible sprain that kept him from working out, but he was also very underweight at the time, and he thought that might figure into it. So, he really had no idea if what he was thinking was feasible, but he figured there was no harm in asking.
The place was owned by a family, father, mother, two daughters, one son, and there was a picture of them on the wall when you walked in. Dad and Son were buffed up body builders, reminding Mox of Triple H. Mother and daughters were trim with lean muscles. The whole family were blond and toothy, looking like they all might have marched out from an ad for Colgate that appeared in a fitness magazine. "Colgate, it makes your teeth whiter, and makes your work out work harder for you!"
He walked up to the counter, where one of the daughters was. She was the youngest and she wasn't much bigger than Alexa was. Her name tag said she was "Summer." Mox wondered if her sister was named Autumn and her brother Winter, but he thought it might be rude to ask. "Hi!" she greeted him, smiling like it made her day, perhaps even her week that he had come in and came to talk to her.
"Hi," Mox said, swallowing. He wasn't shy for long, but new situations sometimes made him a little nervous and this was new. "Uh, can you work out with a broken arm? Like, is it safe?"
She nodded, looking over the counter at his arms, which were clearly not broken. "Who is this for?"
"My... my..." he stammered, then swallowed, "My girlfriend. She's used to working out a lot, but she has a broken arm and it's making her kind-of crazy. I just figured if she can work out, she'll feel better."
"She will!" Summer enthusiastically agreed. "Working out will help in so many ways, from having her body produce natural painkillers, to blood circulation, which is very useful for healing."
Will it be useful for fending off an eating disorder? Mox wanted to ask, because that's the road he was afraid Alexa was walking down. Sure, she'd be healed soon enough, but what about the next injury? Also, she'd told him the underground fighting circuit in Florida was awful, what if she decided to do something else? "Good," He said.
He soon found out that Summer didn't just work at the gym with her family, she was also a personal trainer and had been a quarterback in the Lingerie Football League. Mox didn't know what that was, Roman was the football freak of the family, but thought that if women were really playing football in lingerie they must be pretty tough women.
Two hours and two hundred dollars poorer, he left. He had a hand written gift certificate in his back pocket. Did I just buy a gift for my girlfriend? he wondered. He wasn't sure, thinking how most commercials implied women only wanted frilly things like teddy bears from Vermont, or very shiny and expensive things like diamonds. He had never heard anyone talk about anyone giving or getting a gym membership for a gift.
He stopped in the little convenience store and from a rack of cards found one that didn't go into declarations of love, but seemed to fit giving a gift to someone. Is this right or wrong? he thought. It's not what they'd call romantic.
They had individual roses up at the counter. Impulsively, he bought one.
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When he got home, Seth told him Alexa was out on one of her walks. Mox went into their bedroom (he really did think of it as their bedroom now) He signed the card, put the certificate in it, then sealed it up, writing her name on the front of the card. Then he arranged it on her side of the bed, with the rose lying across it.
He came out into the living room, where Seth was sitting on the floor in front of the stereo he'd gotten at a garage sale a couple weeks ago. It came straight out of the '80, turntable, receiver, cassette player. It was in a big fake wood and glass cabinet, and it had two huge speakers. The guy holding the garage sale was so thrilled to get rid of the bulky thing, and for twenty five bucks, not only sold it to Seth, but threw in an orange crate full of record albums and a plastic tote full of cassette tapes. As time allowed, Seth was going through the collection of music, listening and nodding a lot.
Usually he did this with headphones on, but today he was sitting cross legged on the floor, the speakers moved and arranged just so. "Mox, listen to this!" he said, rising to his feet.
"It sounds like someone is just saying number nine over and over again," Mox said.
"No, sit where I was!" Seth said, pointing to the floor.
Mox sat down and Seth went to the stereo and restarted the song. "It's someone saying number nine, over and over again," he repeated.
"Yeah, but do you feel it? The way it goes from one side of your brain to the other? Isn't it great?"
Different sounds started happening too, most of it sounded like straight up gibberish or made him feel like he was walking quickly through a restaurant, listening to bits and pieces of different conversations going on around him. Mox wasn't sure he liked this at all. "They call this music?"
"It's the Beatles!" Seth said. "Revolution Number 9! From the White Album. I now have a copy of the White album that's barely been played."
"If this is what all the music is like, then I get why it was barely played," Mox said. He knew who the Beatles were, but he hadn't listened to much of their music. They were Seth's thing, Beatles, Heavy Metal, Punk, etc. Seth loved music. If Seth hadn't loved wrestling so much, Mox was convinced he would have found a way to get into the music industry.
Seth sniffed in that way he had, that made you feel instantly guilty of some great injustice you'd committed, like farting at a funeral. "You don't get it." He walked over to the stereo and put on another song.
Mox listened and shrugged. "It's not the best thing I've ever heard, but at least it's a song, I mean, it's got a melody, a catchy enough hook to it. It's peppy."
"It's Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da," Seth said, still looking down his nose. Brother he was to Mox, and like most brothers there were some things about him Mox could not stand and that snotty, sniffy look was at the top of the list. "And I totally agree with John who said it was one of 'Paul's granny shit' songs."
"I have no clue what you're talking about."
"Well you see-"
"-And I don't care, either," Mox interrupted. "I'm going to the kitchen and getting a drink, do you want anything?"
Seth gave up looking down his nose and sighed instead, as if Mox's taste in music was a horrible burden he had to bear. "Yeah, I'll take a diet Coke."
When Mox went into the kitchen, Alexa had just come in from the outside. "Hey," he called out.
"I'm sweaty," she said, "I'm going to take a shower." She kept her bathrobe in the bathroom, so she didn't have to go to her room.
"I'm great, how are you?" Mox mumbled under his breath as the door shut. He opened the refrigerator and grabbed a diet coke and a bottle of water. He brought the can of soda into the living room and handed it to Seth.
"Is Alexa back?" Seth asked, as the sound of the shower started.
"Yeah," Mox said, sitting on the couch. "She was sweaty."
"Do you think she'll make dinner?" Seth asked hopefully.
"I don't know," Mox said. "When she's done, I'll ask her. If she says no, maybe we can go to that little Mexican place down the street."
Seth thought about this for a moment, then nodded. "I could do Mexican tonight. But I kind of hope Alexa is going to cook. I love that chicken and vegetable dish she made the other night. With the tomato sauce."
Mox smiled, feeling oddly complimented that Seth liked Alexa's food. She didn't follow recipes, rather she threw things together, but they were always pretty good. A little bit possessive of her, aren't we? "Seth, if you still want to listen to music, can you do it with headphones? I want to watch TV."
"No, I'm done for now," Seth got that look on his face again, as if remembering how disappointed he was in Mox's music tastes. He shut off the stereo and got on the sofa next to Mox. "What are we going to watch?"
Mox shrugged. "You can pick, I just wanna veg."
Seth picked up the remote, turned on the TV and started going through the dial, stopping on a local station that showed movies. "Oh my god, This is Spinal Tap!" he exclaimed. "I love this movie!"
Mox looked at him. Every single time the movie was on, if he was home, he watched it. Every single time, he acted like Mox had no clue he loved it so much. He even had a copy of it on DVD, but he always acted like it had been forever when he saw it was on the TV. Mox thought the movie was pretty good himself, but he didn't think it warranted that much excitement.
He watched with Seth, but half of his mind was listening to the shower. When the water turned off, he pictured Alexa getting out, taking off the plastic trash bag she'd used (they kept a roll of them, and duck tape in the bathroom for that purpose) and drying off as best she could, one handed. He envisioned her using the towel to dry her pretty legs... Stop that! He ordered himself. Don't get turned on, you're starting to act like a pervert.
She came out of the bathroom, cut through the living room and went to their bedroom to get dressed. He was half tempted to call after her and ask her if she needed his help. He wanted her to go, "Yes," and maybe smile and wink. He wanted them to lay down together, cuddle and then slowly start touching each other, remove each other's clothing, kiss her, hold her, and slowly have the two of them make love. But that wasn't their style, so he waited, hoping she'd like the gift.
It seemed like forever that she was in the room, and he tried to picture her reaction to the envelope, the rose, opening it, seeing the card. Would she smile? Was she smiling right now? Was she going to open it right away, or get dressed first, letting herself build up anticipation for what it might be.
Instead she stormed out of the room, still wearing her robe, holding the rose. She came into the living room and held up the rose. "Is this some type of joke?" she asked.
He could see the fire in her eyes and wondered what he had done wrong. He stood up, "No joke, I thought you'd like it."
"I don't like flowers!" she said, then with her good hand, slapped him with that rose as hard as she could. It was just a flower, but it did have thorns. One caught on his cheek and cut it, a long, thin cut that began to seep blood instantly. Before he could say anything, she turned and stormed back into the bedroom.
"Holy fuck," Seth exclaimed looking up at his face, where tiny droplets of blood were welling from the scrape and trickling down his cheek. "What the hell is her problem?"
"I-I don't know," Mox said, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. "I just thought she'd like it, you know?"
"Does she do this type of stuff to you often?" Seth was looking up at him, and Mox saw way too much concern in his eyes. "Get so upset with you that she attacks you?"
No, Mox thought. Usually she gets so turned on she attacks me. And tells me that I ruined her life. What, Seth, isn't that how everyone has sex? Fight, scream, and fuck? "Uh, not really," he said. Which was sort of the truth and sort of a lie. He couldn't stay there in front of Seth, his cheek bleeding, feeling so ashamed of himself. "I'm going to go see what's going on," he mumbled and left the room.
When he walked into the bedroom, he saw Alexa lying across the bed, face buried into her pillow, shoulders shaking. She's crying, Mox thought. This is not liquid frustration, this is real crying. What the hell did I do? He looked around for the card and found it, unopened in the trash can. He pulled it out, and went over to the bed, sitting next to her, by her head. "Alexa, open the card."
"No!" she said. "You can't buy me! I'm not for sale!"
"I don't want to buy you!" Mox protested, "You are your own person!" He remembered how pleased he'd been at Seth's complimenting her cooking and instantly felt guilty. He had been possessive, he had taken a compliment meant for Alexa and let himself feel proud. Like something I owned did something special, he thought. Yeah, this is my Mustang. I rebuilt her and now she does a buck ten in seven seconds!
"You're damned right I am!" Alexa said, and she didn't even try to keep her voice down, so Seth probably heard it too. "You don't own me, nobody owns me and nobody ever will own me!" she continued.
"Right," Mox said, keeping his voice low. "Alexa, I didn't give you the rose, or the card to try to claim ownership, I gave them to you because they're gifts. You can give someone a gift without it being a declaration of ownership."
"Everyone wants something in return when they give you something," she disagreed, but thankfully, her voice was lower now. "Men always think they own women, and they only give you presents to put a claim on you!"
"No," Mox disagreed, but understood where she was coming from. "Some men, yes and those are bad people. Your captors, my captors, they were bad people and they did feel they owned us. But I'm not them. God, Alexa, if you learned one thing, I hope it was that I'm not like them!"
"That's what I thought," she said, and she raised herself up on her good arm, rolling to face him and he could see the tears in her eyes. He almost broke down himself. Alexa didn't cry. The most she seemed to do was get those tears of frustration. But she didn't weep. "But I saw that rose, and all I could think... all I could think..."
"Was that I felt I had the right to embellish what was mine?" Mox asked. "Give you a pretty little flower for your hair?"
"Something like that," she admitted.
"No," Mox shook his head, "I gave you the rose because I thought you'd think it was pretty. That maybe you'd put it in a glass of water and look at it, and appreciate how pretty it was. And honestly? That wasn't even the real gift."
"What?" She sat up, frowning.
He put the card in her hands. "Open it, Alexa, please open it."
She stared at the card, then at him, and she had that wary cornered look, but she finally opened the card. She didn't even bother to read it, just grabbed the paper inside of it and opened it. As she read what was on it, her eyes widened and she looked at me. "You did this for me?"
"Yeah," he said. "The daughter who works there, Summer Rae, she's a personal trainer and she said she's worked with folks who've had broken limbs before. She gave you a list of her available hours on there. The first week, she's going to work with you every day if you're willing to make sure you know how to safely train. Then the next week, three times, then once a week for two months. Your cast will be off by then, and she says she can help you get the strength back in your arm." He reached over and gently rubbed his thumb under her eyes, wiping the tears away. "It's not a gift that says I want to own you, it's a gift that says I know who you are, I know what is important, and a broken arm or not, I'm going to make sure you can continue to be you."
She looked at the papers, reading them again, to make sure they really said what they did. "But... yeah, my arm will be healed in a few weeks. I don't know where I'll go after that!"
"Nowhere," he said. "Nobody is pushing you out. You can stay with Seth and I until you're completely sure your arm is okay. You can stay after that, too if you want. And don't say it's charity, you do plenty for Seth and I to earn your right to stay here. Neither of us are going to kick you out. Even when you go back to underground fighting, you can still live with us."
"Oh, Mox." She reached out to him now, gently touching the scratch on his face. "You're so nice to me, and I scratched you. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he said, and he really felt it was. It was just a little scratch, he'd had far worse before at training and even from her. "I just know now before I give you a rose, to make sure every thorn is gone." He grinned.
"Oh, Mox, I'll never do that again," she said. She reached over to the nightstand and took a tissue out of the box. She wiped the blood off his face, one of the most tender gestures she'd ever done to him since they were Suzie and Timmy.
He put his arms around her, wanting to kiss her, but still afraid. He hoped she would initiate it, but she didn't. She did move around so she was leaning against him, back to belly, and snuggled up to him. We've only kissed once, he thought. Timmy and Suzie never kissed, that was too... pedestrian. Nobody wanted to see gentle kissing, nobody wanted it to look caring, even the incest freaks who liked to claim that the love they had for their little sister or daughters was pure and natural. It was all bullshit. They wanted to see them get down and dirty and kissing held no place in that.
He sighed, and just snuggled up to her. Maybe tonight, he thought. Maybe we can break that barrier down tonight.
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The three of them did go out for Mexican food, walking to the little place. And Seth said nothing about seeing Alexa hitting Mox with the rose. In fact, all three of them acted like the whole scene had never happened. Alexa did tell him about the work out sessions Mox had gotten for her, and everyone pretended that was it.
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When they got home and went to bed, she snuggled up to him, again, back to belly, and he put his arm around her. Turn, he thought. Turn and face me, Alexa, let me kiss you. We'll probably both be terrible at it, but it will be nice to be terrible at something rather than too experienced. Please turn.
She didn't hear his mental command and he thought she might have fallen asleep. He stayed quiet, not moving, trying not to disturb her.
He was almost asleep himself, when she brought her leg up to her chest, then fast as she could, drove it into his shin. "Ouch!" he yelped, automatically moving away from her,
She twisted around and slammed her cast into his chest, then brought her good hand up and used that to punch his shoulder. He lay there, waiting to see what would happen. She kicked him again then brought her knee up between his legs. "I should drive this right into your nuts," she whispered, as if offering some term of endearment. "Over and over again."
"Is that what you want to do?" he asked, his voice calm. Would I let her? He wondered Would I just lay here while she hammered her knees into my testicles? Would I try to stop her? When? Would she eventually kill me? When she did, would I finally feel I'd atoned for what I did to her?
Her eyes narrowed. "It would serve you right!"
"It might," he said.
Then, she pushed herself up and straddled his waist, removing her knee from its place between his legs. She reached down and wrapped her fingers around him and as he expected, he was hard and ready for her. She sighed and raised herself to take him into her.
Nothing changes, he thought for a moment, then he stopped thinking at all, because as it always did, it became wonderful and the blood roared in his ears and this was what he wanted, more than anything else.