Continuation of the last chapter

Chapter 16 Goodbye

Mr Crawford looked closely at her. "Fanny, I do not know if this is the right time, but as I am leaving, I feel I cannot stay quiet any longer. I love you! Tell me if I have a chance? Will you marry me?"

Fanny stared at him, shocked. She could see he was equally hopeful and scared to hear her answer.

Was this what he had been about at breakfast that day? Was what he had said back then, a sign of his regard for her? He loved her? But why?
"Why me?" she asked. "I have no money; I am not of your station. I do not have special skills or accomplishments. I am not even officially out yet! My cousins are much livelier and know how to behave in society. I always feel awkward when I am in a group of people."

The look of love he gave her, made her blush.
"Fanny, I do not care about money. I have enough for both. I do not care about liveliness or whatever accomplishments are deemed to be important.
I love you for who you are! Your kindness and gentleness; your strength and resilience. And of course the fact that you love horses as much as I do!"

Fanny smiled a little at his passionate reply, but became serious again.
"Mr Crawford…"
"Henry please…"
"Mr Crawford, I cannot accept. You say now that you do not care for my station in life etc. But what about in five or ten years? You would come to detest me. Also, I do not know how to run a household. Truly I would not be suitable."

"Fanny, it sounds like you're making excuses. What is truly holding you back?"

She blushed again at his outspokenness.

"I… do not love you. As a good friend, yes! But not more. I truly value your friendship and am eternally grateful for all your care and protection. I truly would not have known what to do without you in these past weeks. But gratefulness is a poor substitute to love."

"But, do you not think that love could grow?"

Now Fanny looked down. A deep sadness threatened to overwhelm her.
Her voice was barely audible when she said: "My uncle will never give permission. And even if he would be inclined to it, my aunt Norris would talk him out of it. My life would become absolutely unbearable because of her. Life is already difficult as it is. You know I don't say this to complain. It's just as it is. I'm sorry."

She turned around, for tears were beginning to spill. She did not want to hurt him, but she could do no different. He deserved someone better, someone without such a troublesome past, someone who could truly be equal to him.

"Miss Price," his voice was full of emotion, but strong. "I cannot pressure you. I could reason away all your obstacles, whether they are real or imagined. But I will not. I would love to hear you accept me, but I want it to be an answer without hesitation, with love and with conviction. I realise this was not the right time. I do hope one day there will be a right time, but I will try to not expect it too much."

He sighed deeply, trying to contain his emotions.

"I still intend to come back in the new year, unless you are totally against it. I will come back to see if anything has changed. If you're still resolved against it, I will not bother you again."

She was still not looking at him. He suspected she was crying.

"Mr Crawford, I… do not want to give you pain. But I am afraid I cannot do otherwise." Now she turned towards him and looked up at him. How he wished he could embrace her and kiss those tears away! He clamped his hands together at his back to prevent him from doing something rash.

"I respect you and your decision," he simply said.

Pain started to emerge. He wished he could join her and start crying as well. But he must keep himself together until he was alone. The last thing he wanted was that she would accept him, just because of some sense of guilt.

He cleared his throat.
"I believe we should return."
He helped her onto her horse, which felt very awkward. Their ride home was agony for both of them. They hardly spoke and neither of them saw anything of their surroundings.

Henry said goodbye when they arrived at Mansfield Park and went back to the parsonage. He deliberated whether he should not go for another ride on his own. At home his sisters would probably try to find out what was the matter. He could not bear their chatter at this moment.
He resolved to briefly pass by to tell them he would not be back for some hours and then ride out in the other direction.

Halfway his ride, he met Edmund also on his horse.
"Hello Crawford, where are you going?" he asked.
"Nowhere really," he answered. "Just riding."
"Weren't you going out with Fanny this morning?"
Henry's face dropped. "I was. We have already returned."
Edmund eyed him suspiciously.
"Did something happen?"
Inwardly Henry sighed. He had escaped curious sisters, but now he was confronted by an equally curious friend.
He stayed quiet for so long that Edmund said: "I am sorry. It is none of my business."
Henry looked at him. The man seemed to suspect something.

He sighed deeply. "Something did happen, Bertram. I asked her to marry me. She said no."

Edmund stared at him.

"She said no? Why would she not accept?"
"She gave… various reasons. Reasons that would be easy to solve. But I do not want her to accept reluctantly. I was just too hasty. I should have waited until I came back. Now I don't know if I have ruined my chances forever."

He sighed again and stared into the distance.
"May I… may I ask you a favour?"
Upon Edmund's nodding: "I do not think she would like it to discover that I told you about it. Could you…"
"Yes, treat her as if I don't know anything about it? I will. If she will want to talk about it, then I will be there for her and listen to her."

Henry felt some sort of jealousy at hearing that. This man would be the person who could converse with his beloved; who would try to comfort her. And who would continue to be in her presence.

His pain nearly overwhelmed him. How could he get through his time in London? What would he do with his life now? He really hoped that one day she would reciprocate his feelings. But he should not place all his hopes on it, for if it didn't happen, his pain would be even greater.

"Sorry Bertram, I'm not very nice company at the moment."
"I understand. Shall I leave you alone now?"
"Thank you. You're a good friend! Please look after Fanny."
"I will. Until next time."

Edmund rode off in the other direction and Henry continued his ride.

He had not been surprised that she did not love him, although he had hoped she had some feelings for him. Before today, he had decided to wait until he saw any change in that aspect. But he had forgotten himself today. His sadness about leaving had taken the better of him.

Her arguments about station in life and accomplishments did not have much value in his eyes. He knew what he wanted and did not care about those things.

But then he realised that they were true obstacles in Fanny's eyes. Through her whole life – he had heard her upbringing in Portsmouth had not been a happy time – she had been undervalued, belittled, ignored and abused. It was no surprise that she would think herself not of consequence. If someone heard often enough that they were inferior, it would not take long for them to start believing it about themselves.

The arguments that she had mentioned were truly things that she believed. She believed herself to be inadequate to be his wife, to be inferior to him, and maybe even doubted his feelings for her, not being able to believe that someone could love her.

How would he be able to improve the view she had of herself?

He thought constancy in his attentions should be key. Time and time again he would have to show her how he valued her for who she was, how he respected her, and how far superior in character she was from him. She needed to learn that she was worth to be loved. He knew she did not know what to do with praise. It always made her uncomfortable. So it would have to be mainly through his actions.

Her aunt was a valid obstacle. Although he doubted she would be able to persuade Sir Thomas. He thought in fact that Sir Thomas would welcome his pursuit of Fanny.

The man truly seemed to care about her. Henry only hoped he would be good enough for her in her uncle's eyes.
Henry hoped that his absence in the coming months would lessen her aunt's attacks on her.

He grieved the fact that he had to leave in a time as this. He knew Sir Thomas would take his daughters soon to London. He also knew that Edmund would go to his university to prepare for ordination. This would leave no people to distract Mrs Norris' attention from her niece.

But there was nothing to it. His uncle wanted him to come. And after the conversation earlier today, it would not do to stay in her presence longer. It would be painful for both of them.

With a sigh he turned around to return home. He had gone farther than he thought. Viewing his surroundings gave him pain. He remembered all the rides he had with Fanny. Memories of conversations sprang up in his mind. He heard her beautiful laugh as if she was next to him.

These memories continued through the rest of the day. When he was having tea with his sisters, he thought of the times she had been here, talking with his sisters, or listening to Mary play the harp. She loved beautiful music and had looked wistful sometimes, as if she was thinking about how she wished to be able to play an instrument.

His dreams were full of her. He saw her face, glowing from the exercise when she had spurred on Ariel to go even faster. He saw how she bent over to look at a flower from up close. He saw her staring ahead, admiring the beauty of their surroundings.

He recalled her little smiles when they communicated wordlessly in the drawing room at the great house. In his dream he observed her again when she was concentrating on her embroidery or when she was patiently assisting her aunt Bertram.

He loved her so much that it hurt.

In his dream he saw her rejection again. "I cannot accept you," she said while tears were streaming down her face. "I am not good enough… not good enough… not good…"

With a shock he woke up.
"I will prove that you are good enough. That you are even far superior to me!" He said out loud.

The next morning found him ready for an early start. He would ride to London and his carriage would follow with his things.
He said goodbye to his sisters, who were sad to see him leave. Mary had first thought she might come with him, but had changed her mind.

He was glad of it. He wasn't sure if going back to London would be good for Mary. She might truly fall back into her old behaviour. She had changed a little, but still could use some improvement. He hoped that he himself would be strong enough to not fall back.

He also hoped that his sister and Edmund would solve the difficulties between them. If there were not many people around, they might have more time to get to know each other without things to distract them.

Soon he was on his way, looking back to Mansfield one last time.

So, what do you think?