When Natasha got to the bunks, she practically crashed down the bed closest to the door. She was in much more pain than she had let on: So much that she was actually starting to tear up. A wide range of emotions were hitting her now but what dominated was frustration. Being around the team right now, around Bigs, was extremely difficult.
It just made her urge to drop even worse: Just the walk back to the jet with Yoyo was difficult for Natasha to handle. But she wasn't going to succumb to the drop, not when she was so close to fixing all of this again.
That's right! She almost had this under control, just one more night...
The memory of her quest to seek a "remedy" for her drops was apparently enough to get Natasha going. Her bike was just in the loading hatch of their quinjet. She can easily sneak out and ride back to the compound. That probably wasn't a smart idea given the state she was in, but Natasha didn't want to risk staying here.
She didn't miss how concerned everyone looked about her. Normally that would annoy Natasha-it did annoy her currently, but not because she didn't want the attention. She was annoyed because, she would never admit it out loud, but she found herself actually liking it. Having the bigs look over her, the way agent Simmons spoke to try and calm her down...
Natasha shook her head at the thought, wincing because that did not help her headache at all. She sighed as she gingerly sat up and tried to get her bearings straight. She can do this. It took her a while but she eventually made it to her feet and soon, she was navigating her way to the loading hatch. The others luckily still seemed to be busy so Natasha eventually made it to her bike undetected. She'd been on this jet countless times already so it wasn't much of a challenge for her to open the hatch by herself.
As she climbed onto her bike she hesitated for a brief moment. Going off without any notice whatsoever would not only break protocol, but would also worry her team. Natasha contemplated going back, but only for a moment because she was hit once more with another wave of pain in her head. Before she could rethink her decision once more, Natasha started her bike and sped off.
The farther Natasha got from the quinjet, the more in control she started to feel again. The scents the Bigs were giving off were long gone which greatly helped in her control. Bigs naturally gave off this scent that often calmed Littles when they're in any form of distress.
All bigs could have this calming effect on any little but generally, heartmates would be the most effective in calming one another. Not that Natasha would know, however.
Little Natalia was in the middle of her class' sparring lesson when it happened again. Natalia and all the other students in her class were currently eight years old, which meant first drops have become a regular occurrence. It started with Annika 2 years ago when they were all 6. Turns out the girl was their class' youngest known little being dropped to the age of 5. Before Annika's drop, she and Natalia would actually spend what little free time they had playing with one another. But since then, Annika seemed to never have any free time.
It was only 2 weeks later when Natalia and the rest of the girls discovered the truth. Annika had been the guinea pig, the guinea pig to the Red Room's pilot training courses for littles who were dropped. Black Widows had to be prepared 24/7, and being dropped was no excuse.
"You all must be wondering why you're gathered here so late." Madame B addressed the little girls. It was the middle of the night, 2AM to be exact and everyone in Natalia's batch had been pulled from their beds for an urgent session, as one of the trainers put. They were currently in one of the big lecture halls, each student occupying their designated seat. A few of the girls were blinking tiredly as they looked at Madame B, but they all knew better than to show any form of tiredness beyond that.
"As we have told you countless of times in your training sessions, preparation is key." Madame B went on. None of the girls spoke because they already knew by then that no response was desired unless stated explicitly so. "
You have to be prepared for anything to happen at any time. Get caught off guard and all your training would have been for nothing." As if to demonstrate her point, she slammed a book down onto one of the girl's desks at the end of her sentence, causing the young girl to visibly flinch. This of course, did not amuse Madame B at all. If anything, Madame B looked unimpressed.
"Do you flinch away from your attacker?" Madame B looked at the aforementioned girl. Natalia looked over and recognized the girl as Yelena. She'd only talked with Yelena 2 or 3 times in their entire stay, but Natalia thought she was nice. She was one of the toughest in their class but right now, Yelena didn't look the part.
The little girl's eyes were wide as they looked up at Madame B. Her mouth kept opening and closing, as if she was still trying to determine if this was one of those times that they were expected to answer, or if it was just another rhetorical question.
Natalia knew though. She'd always been more intuitive than the others. At such a young age, Natalia was learning to pick up on cues to determine how she should act. The Red Room was tough, but she'd told herself she was tougher. She might have been the smallest in her class, but their trainers praised Natalia for always being at the top of her game.
Looking at Yelena now, Natalia knew the former didn't know what to say or do. "No, Madame B." Little Natalia spoke up, trying her best not to sound so tired even though all the little girl wanted to do now was sleep. That had caught the older woman's attention.
"Then what do you do, Ms. Romanov?" Madame B asked, shifting her attention to the smaller girl now. Natalia looked at Yelena and the latter seemed both grateful and relieved that the attention was off her.
"We fight to kill." Natalia said without missing a beat.
"Exactly." Madame B nodded her head at Natalia before looking at the rest of their class. "And do you ladies know what happens when you don't? When you're caught off guard and forget what you need to do?" Natalia knew that this time Madame B wouldn't appreciate a response, so she just stayed quiet and the other girls seemed to be following her lead.
Madame B studied all their faces before turning and walking towards the front of the room. It was only then Natalia noticed that the desk in front was draped with a white sheet, and something seemed to be underneath it. Madame B had this odd look on her face as she looked down at the table, as if she was both pleased with and disappointed at what lay underneath the sheet. She looked at the girls one more time before reaching for a corner of the sheet and unceremoniously pulling it off, revealing a little girl lying motionless on top of the table.
"Your classmate here decided to serve as a reminder to you all, why your training should be taken seriously." Madame B addressed the room, and she continued on talking about their chances of survival, about the realities of their drops. But Natalia wasn't paying attention to any of it, not anymore.
There was no mistaking it, the little girl lying motionless on the table was no other than Annika. Natalia had seen dead bodies before, all of them had. But this was different. All the deaths they've witnessed in the past were of much older men and women, and evil ones at that. Annika was their friend. Annika was her friend.
Madame B droned on about Annika's death. She explained how she died while dropped because the little seemed to have been more interested in play than her training. She didn't leave out any details regardless of how horrendous the story was. She even pulled up the security footage to show the class that she was in fact, not making any of this up. The group of 6 year old girls stared helplessly at the screen in front of them as Annika was beaten to a pulp. That image never left Natalia's mind.
That was 2 years ago, and now those memories came flooding back as she stared helplessly at Yelena. They were in the middle of their sparring lesson when Yelena started giggling and running around out of nowhere. But Natalia knew what this meant. Girls in their class had been experiencing their first drops left and right these past few months.
They'd been dropping from the program as often too. And no, it wasn't because the girls were allowed to leave and go back to their homes. No one just seemed to be capable of accomplishing the extra curriculum set for dropped littles. At first, the alarming disappearance rate scared the little girls. No one wanted to be the next, because the next never came back. But the supervisors immediately picked up on this and found new ways to... Encourage the little girls to drop.
Natalia wasn't swayed though. No matter how ruthless their regular training sessions were, she knew what lies beyond was much worse. She and Yelena had been staying strong: They'd made a pact to look out for each other, to not let one another drop. But now, looking at Yelena's happy features as she ran giggling away from their trainers, Natalia knew she failed.
"Agent Romanoff? Agent Romanoff!" Natasha had been so deep in thought that she hadn't even realized she'd reached the compound's gates by now. "You're not due back for another day." The guard continued once he was satisfied that he got the agent's attention.
"Yeah well change of plans. Are you going to let me in?" Natasha asked with a quirked eyebrow, even though it really was more of a demand than anything else.
Despite being Little, Natasha was still feared by many in SHIELD and luckily, this guard felt this same fear as well. Nat could tell the guard was a Little because she knew the Big guards would probably be able to sense her distress. There was still an ache in her head that now managed to reach the back of her neck, but she was doing her best to not let it show. And it seemed to work, because the guard just promptly nodded his head and opened the gates. Soon, Natasha was driving her bike into the garage and parking it in its usual spot.
On her way back to her floor she got a lot of questioning looks, but even more concerned ones particularly from Bigs. But she ignored everyone and made a beeline for her floor. The more senior agents like her (not to mention, an Avenger) had their own little apartments in the compound. Standard issue would have one bedroom, one bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen with a dining area. Depending on their needs though, these could be altered. Littles for example, would often request an additional room where they could keep their Little things. Natasha didn't particularly need anything special in terms of her Little status, but she did request an additional room. Given her contributions to the agency, no one could really deny her.
So that was where she went upon reaching her apartment. Her extra room was a little smaller than her bedroom, but it was stocked with some computers, screens, and quite a few lab equipment. Maria Hill first questioned her intentions, but eventually let it go because she felt she could trust Romanoff not to burn the compound down. Sure, she was no Bruce Banner but Natasha had plenty of skills up her sleeves.
When she saw her little lab, it was as if she had renewed hope. Natasha stood up a little straighter and walked over to the cupboards, from which she retrieved a little glass bottle.
"I don't need drops." Natalia said in a deadpan tone as she looked straight at Madame B. She and the older woman were currently in the latter's office, with Natalia sitting on the chair on the opposite side of Madame B's desk. It was a little after lunch and Natalia had been pulled out of their shooting lessons for what was framed as an urgent matter. Said matter apparently was her Little status. "I've been performing well without them. I'm at the top of my class-."
"I don't contest that matter, Miss Romanov." Madame B cut in, effectively shushing the younger girl. "You have always been the top of your class from the very beginning. But the other trainers have brought to my attention that you seem to be a bit more distracted recently."
Natalia knew this day would come. She'd been having headaches more frequently for the past few months, years? She couldn't remember anymore. And the pain just intensified as time progressed. She thought she was doing well in ignoring it, in hiding this, but apparently not.
Ever since that fateful day 6 years ago when Yelena dropped, Natalia was more determined not to. At first, she considered dropping too just so Yelena would have company. But she knew that wasn't what Yelena would want her to do, so she stood firm. Now, despite being 14, Natalia felt she was that little girl once more. Granted she still looked like a 10 year old, but that wasn't the point. She felt like a deer caught in headlights.
"I was just trying to give the others a chance." Really, Natalia? She had to fight hard not to wince at her own defense.
"Really? A chance at what?" Madame B asked with an eyebrow quirked. Natalia knew she wasn't buying it.
"To survive." Natalia said, and at that Madame B shook her head.
"I'm disappointed in you Miss Romanov. You need more practice in interrogation." Madame B said as she flipped through her notes. "Luckily, as mentioned you're the best in your class. Perhaps one of the best in the program's history. Otherwise, well..." she trailed off, letting Natalia's imagination conjure up possibilities of how they'd make her life a living hell.
"You know, there's no point in you lying." Madame B continued. "We've known for quite a while now that you've been withholding your drops-don't look so surprised now."
"But if you've known all this time..."
"Why didn't we call you out? Force you to drop?" Madame B offered. "Well quite honestly, we were curious as to how long you could last. We're quite impressed you lasted this long, actually." That frustrated Natalia, of course by avoiding one of the Red Room's experiments, she unknowingly plunged herself into another one.
"Miss Romanov, I don't want to waste any more of our time so let me cut to the chase." Madame B said, and Natalia looked her straight in the eyes. "I know you have no intentions of dropping so as to avoid the... Extra curriculum. But I also know you won't be able to continue doing this on your own, so let me propose you a deal." At that, Madame B opened one of her desk drawers and produced a little bottle which she placed down in front of both of them.
"Are you not going to ask me what this is?"
"You're going to tell me regardless if I ask or not." Natalia found herself saying, but luckily Madame B somehow just found that amusing.
"Ever the snappy one." Madame B said. "This bottle contains pills that our lab has been developing for a few years now. They're meant to prevent drops and fight the side effects of doing so. I see that caught your attention." She smiled. Usually Natalia was good at schooling her expression, but again, the headache she'd been experiencing was not doing her wonders. "We've only ever allowed a handful of our students to take these and now, you're part of that very short list."
"What's the catch?" Natalia asked with her eyebrows furrowed.
"Stay at the top of your class. The moment you drop a rank, we cut your supply." Madame B responded promptly, having already anticipated that question.
"I don't believe you." Natalia said, her eyes never leaving Madame B's face.
Surprisingly, that didn't tick Madame B off at all. "And I'm glad you don't. If you trust too easily then that won't get you very far." Madame B said calmly which annoyed Natalia. "But Miss Romanov, it's either this, or you drop. But given the success rates of our other curriculum right now... I believe this is what you'd prefer. Unless of course, you want to suffer the same fate as your little friend. Yelena, was it?"
As much as Nat wanted to say that she was strong, she defied Madame B, pulled a surprising maneuver-anything, she didn't. It didn't take long to convince Nat to agree to the pills and she'd been taking them ever since. She didn't take them as prescribed. As much as possible, she didn't want to rely too much on the pills, only taking them when the pain became incredibly unbearable.
This proved handy because at least even years after leaving the Red Room, she still had a sizeable supply for a few years. Of course, her stock was limited and now, the bottle in her hand contained the very last original pill. She'd been saving it for months now, telling herself she wouldn't take it until she successfully replicated a batch.
Yes, that's right: Natasha was trying to replicate the pills. That's why she'd asked SHIELD for this room.
In theory, she could have asked for Bruce's help. If she had, she'd probably have several batches ready by now. But she had a feeling this was something she needed to keep under wraps. Alone, it might have taken her a while but she was already so close.
She looked at the bottle in her hand and determined if she should just take the pill already: But she had to be cautious. If her first batch failed, there would be no turning back. There'd be no original pill left to study. Sighing, she put the bottle on top of the table first and went to the cooler to check on her first batch. If her calculations were correct, they should be ready by tonight.