Warning! child abuse, depression, thoughts of suicide
Author's Note: There's a happy ending, I promise. If you liked this, go read, "where there's a will," (2017) by aloneintherain on AO3.
Summary: Harry always wanted to die.
Prompt: Hogwarts, Term #12, Assignment #1, Celtic Studies Task #1
# of words: 446
Harry used to write encrypted messages in the corners of his essays. Dot, dot, dot. Dash, dash, dash. He decided on a mix of Braille and Morse, but to a casual on-looker it looked more like a crayon drawing mixed with some amateurish attempts at Chinese calligraphy. In big bold letters, Harry was telling anyone who would listen that he wanted to kill himself. 'Kill me,' said Harry, 'or I might try to do it myself.'
What does one say when one wishes to die? When one has the sneaking suspicion that Death is no farther than the nearest corner, that Death has placed his hands on you and he was never planning to let go? What do you say? To yourself and to others?
I'll tell you what happens.
When you grow up feeling like you should be dead, like there are dead flies in your mouth and a horrible sinking feeling in your gut that tells you that you don't belong, that you never will, that you should kill yourself, that it would be easier to just die, well. It normalizes some things. You don't think it's that important, that you should tell somebody or get help, because in your mind's eye everybody already knows. Nothing's changed. What makes today different from yesterday? Or the day before? You've always wanted to kill yourself. You've never stopped. It's just that nobody noticed before.
What do you say to yourself, then, when you want to die?
It starts small. You write notes in the margins of your essays. In truth, you never wanted to die. But if the choice is between the life you've lived and living the rest of your life the way you have before now, then there's no choice at all. Harry did not have a happy childhood. The Dursleys made his life hell. He was lonely at school and openly detested at home. There's only so long you can go without hope before you realize your life is meaningless, that it would be better for the rest of the herd if you just dropped dead tomorrow. If you just killed yourself. There's some joy in thinking that, a secret pleasure that only the maudlin know, when you're at the end of your rope, and you find you still have some control over yourself. It's breath-taking. Awe-inspiring.
Harry writes in a secret code because he doesn't want anyone to know how he feels, and because he needs some reminders that, deep down, he doesn't want to die. He only wants to be free.