Showers, for L, were a different experience than they used to be.

They used to just simply be a necessity, occasionally calming. The water would warm his body and soothe his nerves, relax him like nothing else could.

Now showers were something to be avoided. Dreaded, almost. A few times he'd been so reluctant that his hygiene had noticeably suffered. (Noticeable to him; he would never let it get to the point of it being able to catch others' attention.)

During the day, his body was well hidden. Between the bandages and baggy clothes, he usually never saw a thing. And even in the middle of the night, when he had his blade, he could easily pull his sleeve down if it got to be too much. Look away, turn it off; everything's normal.

While showering, he was bare. His defenses were stripped away; he had no choice but to look, to see, to take it all in, whether he wanted to or not. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, his surroundings painfully white, he was a harsh contrast of black and pink and red.

Sometimes, it made him sick. Sometimes, it made him crave more. Sometimes, it made him ashamed.

He'd never been ashamed before – there was no reason. He was doing this to better himself. He was not releasing pain, like he knew others did, he was trying to gain, gain clarity, sensibility, coherency. Without this habit, he knew, he'd have gone mad long ago. It was simply a necessary evil in his life (he wasn't sure when he had labeled it evil – it truly wasn't a bad thing), something he had to do so he could be at his best, so he could save the people he did, so he could bring criminals to justice.

So he could catch Kira.

If he stopped now, he would lose. Yes, they would probably still find Yotsuba Kira, but overall, he would lose. He'd watch Light's innocence slip away, watch him become the killer that was locked in his subconscious.

And the last thing he'd see would be those eyes, the last thing he'd know would be that he was right, he was right all along and Kira was right there, all this time, right out of reach, and he'd have lost, he'd have lost.

Losing was not an option.

But – showers. They were still an undeniable issue (a small issue, compared to Kira.)

L wondered, if Light saw him like that, naked and bare and open and horrifyingly honest – what would he think? Would he understand? Would he pity him? No, surely he wouldn't do that. Light knew the man well enough at this point to know that he could not stand to be pitied. To be looked at as weak. (Because he wasn't weak at all.) Quillsh knew that about him; that's why the night he'd saved L's life, he'd looked at him with worry, disappointment, concern – but not pity.

It was a testament to his kindness, to shut off a natural human reaction like that, simply because L disliked it.

(If it was a matter of being courteous, perhaps Light would pity him, just because he knew it would irk the detective.)

"This date is so boring! There's nothing to do!"

L didn't respond, choosing to focus on his cake instead of Misa's complaints. Perhaps the date would've been more interesting, if they'd actually started up a conversation. Instead the two chose to sit in awkward silence, Misa slowly getting more frustrated with L's presence and Light (probably, hopefully) thinking about how much he actually disliked the girl.

"Ryuzaki, I still don't understand why you have to be here. And I don't understand why we have to have our date at your headquarters!"

Swallowing his cake, L opened his mouth, ready to explain, but Light answered before he could. "It's because he thinks we're going to discuss our plans as the first and second Kira."

Well…that was partly true. It's what he'd told the task force, anyway. (Which had earned him some glares and scoffs.) In all actuality, the detective was fearful that Misa would somehow bring Light's locked away Kira back to the surface. That one moment he'd be innocent, his amber eyes genuine and real, and then the next it would be the mask, hints of the truth, of the evil that Kira was, shining through in his gaze.

He knew they weren't going to talk about being Kira. They both believed they weren't, or hadn't been (yes, they – he had decided that Misa had also lost her memories, like Light), so how would they discuss it?

If he backed off now, at this point, after so long of being so certain and insisting so much that they were Kira…that would just make him look suspicious.

So, really, the only logical option was to ruin their "date." (L doubted it would have been any better than this, even if it was just the two of them.)

"Just pretend I'm not here," he said, taking another mouthful of cake. "I'm really not trying to intrude, I promise."

A half truth, as he had also done this because it was highly entertaining. And it kept his mind occupied, which was very, very necessary lately. Alone with his thoughts and he'd be running to his room, locking himself in the bathroom and ripping off his bandages, grabbing his –

No. He had to wait. He had to.

Misa groaned, bringing L back into the present, and she leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest. Really, L was almost positive that it was her presence that was bringing the mood down. Without her, he and Light surely would've begun talking about something, rather than sit in this uncomfortable, stagnant silence.

Still, it was somehow more entertaining than his normal activities. Instead of researching Yotsuba, he was the third wheel during a terrible date, where only one side of the relationship had any real feelings. To some, that may have seemed boring, but watching Light's behavior, seeing the honest, truthful frustration flicker across his face…it was oddly rewarding.

Light sighed, staring down at his hands, and L knew that the teen would much rather be working, instead of doing this. For some reason, though, he felt it necessary to keep Misa around, which is why he even tolerated these dates at all. But, why? What was her purpose? She was an annoying, airheaded girl, her only real power long gone with her memories.

And why didn't Light just act like he liked her? He was skilled at that kind of thing, that kind of deception, and even though it may be unpleasant, the boy could easily do it.

Was…was he afraid to hurt her feelings? Was this sincere showing of emotions an attempt to get her to break things off with him?

Unbelievable. No doubt if he was Kira, and she wasn't useful to him anymore, he would be kicking her to the curb.

In the most polite way possible, of course.

"Light," Misa sang, her voice bordering on shrill, "why don't you come sit over here?"

The boy looked hesitant, to say the least, but after a few seconds of not moving, he stood up and walked over to the other couch, sitting down next to Misa. She immediately attached herself to his side, smiling up at him with what was almost, undeniably, love. How could she look at him like that and not be at least a little taken aback when his returning gaze showed nothing of the sort? How could anyone do such a thing?

"Mmm…say, Misa," L began, noting the disgruntled noise he got in response, "you love Light will all of your heart, don't you?"

(Also noted: the classic deer in the headlights look that was plastered on Light's face.)

"Of course I do!" Misa responded defensively, somehow moving closer to the boy. "What kind of a question is that?"

"You also love Kira, do you not?" If he was being honest with himself, he could definitely see why Misa had a spot in her heart for Kira. He had killed her parents' murderer, brought him to his cruel form of justice. If someone killed the person who murdered L's parents…he had no doubt in his mind that he'd respect and appreciate them a great deal.

"Well…" Misa looked uncomfortable now, most likely unsure about admitting her admiration for Kira in front of the detective, even though she'd done so before. "Yes, I…I do."

"You realize that Light wants to catch and ultimately kill Kira." The look on Misa's face said that she had obviously not put it together, or thought about it. "Who do you side with, Misa-san?"

Light, though still looking uneasy, did seem to have his curiosity piqued. Or, perhaps, he just appreciated a scenario in which he wasn't Kira.

"Light," Misa said, her voice genuine and sincere, and L did have to give her credit, because she had answered with minimal hesitation. "I'll follow Light wherever he goes, whatever he does. Because I love him."

At what point would she realize that Light had never said I love you back?

Maybe she already had.

Light didn't look touched by the sentiment, or really happy about it, either. Maybe he had been hoping that Misa would choose Kira, giving him an out in the relationship. But he should have realized the unlikelihood of that, considering Misa would've been choosing Kira in front of the world's greatest detective, and…well. She was Misa. One of her main personality traits was in love with Light. It was a part of her, defined her.

L was fairly certain that was not how relationships were supposed to work, but then again, what did he know?

"As I expected," he murmured, responding to Misa, and then his gaze drifted down to the table, absentmindedly. But, soon, it hardened and focused, and his eyes widened a little, because Misa hadn't eaten her cake.

Hadn't even touched it.

"Are you going to eat that?" he asked, leaning forward, eyes flicking back and forth between the girl and the dessert.

She looked confused for a moment, but then she glanced down at the table, and her face wrinkled in disgust. "No. Cake makes you fat."

Barely managing to keep protests from spilling out of his mouth (he refused to jeopardize receiving the cake by arguing), L extended one foot on the table and reached, grabbing the plate. He then retracted and assumed his regular position, toes curling over the edge of the couch.

"I've found that cake does not make you fat," he said then, preparing to shovel nearly half of the confection into his mouth, "if you burn calories by using your brain."

Misa looked completely offended, sitting up straighter and crossing her arms over her chest. "You're always implying that I'm stupid, Ryuzaki!"

"Oh. Am I?" He tried to stop himself from smirking, but he could tell it didn't work. "I didn't realize, Misa-san."

The cake on his fork was now piled high, and he raised it to his mouth, ready to eat it –

And his arm bent in just the wrong way. There was a slight sting, which was not entirely unwelcome, but definitely unexpected, and he moved quickly, so the pain would stop. The cake, in response, tumbled off of the utensil and landed on his shirt, several splotches of frosting now marking it.

Resisting the urge to huff like a small child, L picked up what was salvageable on his shirt with his fork and quickly ate it, before the incident threatened to happen again. He then glanced up at Misa and Light, the two of them probably wondering if he was really a grown man, or maybe just a child somehow thrown into an adult's body.

Misa's expression resembled that, though her distaste for sweets was covering any humor she may have been feeling. Light, however, looked very plainly and openly amused, his eyes bright and alive and honest.

L hadn't noticed it before, but this version of Light looked physically different than the person he'd known before. He looked younger, more casual, laid back. Not nearly as stiff as he was before. The detective wondered if anybody else had noticed the differences in the teen. He was aware that not everybody paid attention to detail like he did, but it was obvious, wasn't it? It had to be. The boy even did his hair differently.

"Ryuzaki."

L blinked, eyes focusing back on Light. "Yes, Light-kun?"

"You were staring again." He stood up and stretched (while Misa pouted at him from behind), then made his way over to the door, saying as he walked, "I'm going to get tea. Would you like some, Ryuzaki? Or maybe a new shirt?" At this comment, he turned and looked pointedly at the man, his expression still holding no Kira-like malice, or any cruelty at all –

Wait. Was Light teasing him?

He had to stop himself from immediately dissecting the interaction, because if he did, he would end up staring again. "Just the tea. Thank you, Light-kun."

Light nodded once – there also may have been a slight smile on his lips – and walked out of the room, leaving L and Misa alone, something that had never happened before.

However, with the boy out of the room, L started to let his mind concentrate on the possibility of Light teasing him. It definitely reassured the idea that Light had lost his memories, because he was positive that Kira would have no patience for teasing the man who was trying to catch him. All friendly interactions before had been noticeably forced – the rest of the world may not be able to see it, but L could easily tell when Light was acting. And, before the containment, before that look he had given the camera, the teen had definitely been –

"You know, Light does like you."

L's onyx eyes snapped up to meet Misa's chocolate ones, and instead of verbally responding, he simply raised his eyebrows.

Which, luckily, Misa took for enough of an answer. "You said he was your first friend, right? Well, I think you're his first friend, too."

Where was this coming from? Why was she speaking so nicely to him? Had she already forgotten that he'd insulted her intelligence not a mere five minutes before? "I think you are mistaken, Misa-san. Light-kun has had many friends before me."

"Yeah, fake friends." She paused, changing the position she was sitting in so her legs were underneath her. "I've seen him hang out with other people, but it's different when he's with you. Even if you two are arguing, which you do a lot, he looks…interested. When he's around you, he's never bored."

Apparently Misa Amane was more perceptive that L had taken her for.

Before he had a chance to respond (by saying what, he didn't know), Light was reentering the room, carrying a tray of tea, and, even though L hadn't requested it, a white shirt. He set the tray down on the table, then gently tossed the shirt at the detective, who caught it easily.

"I know you said you didn't want one, but I happened to see Watari while getting the tea, and he got me that."

A murmured thank you, Light-kun spilled from his lips, and he set down his plate of cake and held up the shirt. It appeared to be his normal shirt, long sleeved and white, same soft fabric and everything – except that it wasn't. It was a t-shirt, cutting off right below the shoulders, and the beginnings of panic stirred in his stomach.

He, obviously, could not wear it. But how could he refuse? Light had kindly gotten it for him, or, rather, Quillsh had given it to Light –

Wait.

Quillsh.

Of course. He had provided a t-shirt because he knew L would refuse to wear it, and therefore expose his "unsafe" habit. (A part of his mind wanted to call it an addiction, but he pushed the thought away.)

Did Quillsh think that Light Yagami could stop him from doing something that not even his father could stop? If anything, Light would understand. Be able to relate to the mental chaos and the relaxation that cutting brought.

Just like Near would understand.

"Is that shirt alright?" Light asked, bringing L back to reality. The boy was watching him expectantly, and – what, did he expect him to strip right there and change into the shirt? He had to know him better than that by now. He was not the type to undress in the company of others.

"Yes, it's perfectly fine." L stood up, anxiety making his heart beat slightly faster, and he focused on making sure his hands weren't clutching the t-shirt. "I will be right back." He made his way to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him, and he took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

To no avail.

He really needed to have a knife with him at all times. No matter how suspicious that would be, if it was ever found; the pros outweighed the cons.

L held up the shirt again, inspecting it. It was the correct size, same brand as the ones he usually wore. It just had atrociously short sleeves that would show almost every cut he had on his arms.

He would just have to lie. Make an excuse. He'd done that several times before, in several situations, but it felt different now. Wrong in a way that it never had been before.

But it was necessary.

Taking a deep breath, he exited the bathroom, directing the majority of his brainpower to keeping his face neutral. Light immediately raised an eyebrow at him, not even bothering to say anything.

"It was too small. I'll just change when I return to my room." It was a blatant lie, but L hoped that he said it carelessly and offhandedly enough that it appeared to be convincing.

Misa didn't look concerned (although that was to be expected) but Light looked suspicious. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly, locking with L's for a few seconds –

And then they returned to normal. "Oh, alright." He leaned back against the sofa, moving his arms behind his head, looking so effortlessly casual that L knew for certain he wasn't currently Kira, because Kira was meticulous, not natural.

L pulled his knees closer to his chest, and, while trying very hard not to stare straight at the teen, thought, I will keep you innocent, Light Yagami. I promise.

A/N: How strange, the chapter I'm most self conscious about is the longest. Anyway! I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all of the reviews and favorites and everything. Like, positive feedback on my stories warms my heart and is one of my favorite things ever. So thank you all so much! :)