Anna was laying on her bed, doing nothing, like she had been laying for the whole week, after coming back to Norway. She wasn't talking to her parents, or her friends, not even Elsa or Kristoff. She wasn't even attending the school. She was just wallowing in the own self-pity, not finding any will to get up. She had single-handedly ruined her whole life. Everyone hated her. She had always wished to talk about things with her parents, but the moment she had got the opportunity to do so, she had bailed with a tail between her legs.
She wished she could talk about that with someone, she was in terrible need of an advice. Anna could call to some of her newer friends, but they would just tell her that she did the right thing and Anna should wait for her parents to come crawling to her, begging for forgiveness, and even then she should refuse them. Anna didn't want that, she didn't wish to right the wrong she had felt when she was a child, she just wanted her parents back. She could also go to Kristoff, but Kristoff wasn't good with things like this. He would feel awkward and try to appease Anna's point of views without actually saying anything.
Elsa would know how to help her. She could tell Elsa how the things were at home before she left for Norway, and how she had messed them up in her holiday. Elsa knew how to listen, and she gave the best advices. Elsa didn't care for petty revenges, no, she would give an advice that would be better in a long shot. For a girl who could barely chose what she wanted to eat for dinner later the day, Elsa was strangely good at predicting outcomes of different choices other people had to choose from. Elsa could help, but they weren't really talking like they used to.
Then Anna shot up from her bed. Maybe they weren't talking at the moment, but Anna could fix that. She could do that much, she was sure of it. She just needed Elsa to tell her what really was wrong, and then she could make amends. Anna had been giving up way too easily, she wouldn't make the same mistake again. Elsa and what they had, was worth fighting for. She would just have to show Elsa that she thought so.
Anna hurriedly changed her pajamas for some silly band t-shirt and college pants. How she looked, didn't matter. She rushed out of the apartment, not bothering to put any shoes, or even socks on. Anna skipped every other step on the stairs, and was soon knocking the Bjorgman's door. The door opened way faster than she had expected, startling her a little.
"Anna? Where have you been?" Kristoff asked, surprised. He had Sven's leash in his hand and clothes for a walk on.
"In my apartment," Anna answered fast, trying to peek inside the apartment. "Is Elsa home?"
This seemed to make Kristoff immediately uncomfortable, and he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Uh yeah, but she's still—you know, like Elsa." Then he paused for a second, thinking about his next words. "I could walk Sven later, if you want to talk?"
"No need to, you can go. I want to talk to Elsa," Anna answered, feeling only slightly guilty for ditching her boyfriend like that.
"Oh, okay. But I don't think she'll come out of her room."
"She will," Anna said, sure of herself.
"Whatever you say, have fun," Kristoff shrugged and left with the dog.
Anna walked to Elsa's door and knocked: "Elsa, I know you're in there. Can you open the door?"
"Uh, I'm little busy now. How about later?" came Elsa's voice, muffled by the door.
"I know your later is never, so I'm just going to wait here, next to your door, until you decide to finally talk with me," Anna told with a resolution.
"No, really, you should go," Elsa's quiet voice suggested.
"Nope, not going anywhere." To prove her point, Anna slide down to the floor, and sat down. She was prepared for a long trench warfare. This wasn't anything new to her, it brought out almost nostalgic childhood memories.
Anna hadn't lasted long, until she had fell asleep due to pure boredom. Soon Elsa's door was cracking open, waking the slumbering redhead. "Whaaa—," she managed to mumble out.
"You wanted to talk. Frankly, I'm more displeased by you camping outside my door than you in my room. I cannot concentrate at anything if you're just sitting there," Elsa explained, peeking out of the room.
"Well that took forever!" Anna exclaimed, getting up from the floor.
"Anna, you've sit there only fifteen minutes," Elsa said, hiding her turning corners of mouth behind her hand.
"Oh, well, it felt longer," Anna stammered with a blushing face.
"I'm sure it did," Elsa said the way that reminded Anna of the girl she was before the incident. She made way for Anna to step inside her room.
Anna went in gingerly. Elsa had never allowed her into her safe space before. And there Elsa was, in her own room with Anna, hair braided and that cute Stitch jumpsuit on, the one Anna had seen only once before. Anna let her gaze travel around the room. It was bigger than Kristoff's, not much, but a little. The room was really light, Elsa seemed to prefer white and pale blue, Anna guessed it suited her. To her horror, she noted that Elsa's bed was against the wall. It was the very wall that divided her and Kristoff's rooms, no wonder Elsa had heard them. She felt the blush rise back to her ears again.
"So what did you want to talk about?" Elsa asked. She was aiming for nonchalant tone, but Anna could hear the wavering hesitation. Elsa knew what this was about.
"I want to clear the air between us. We pretend like nothing is wrong, while something clearly is. I'm sick and tired always beating around the bush. I know that you are still upset with what we did with Kristoff." Elsa cringed, so Anna knew she was right. "But I want to understand why, I need to understand why. I'm not here to judge you, or defend myself, I'm here for you to tell me how you feel, so we can really talk about it." Anna felt a little proud of her words. They were the ones she had always wished her parents would have said to her.
Elsa hugged herself, like trying to protect her body from some kind of torture. "Anna, I'm not upset, it's all fine."
"Don't give me that bullshit, Elsa. Nothing is fine and we both know it," Anna said with a little harsher tone than she had intended. She softened her gaze and voice, and continued: "I care for you, I really do. In a short time, you have become one of the most important people in my life. I want to share all my secrets with you, and I wish you would do the same for me. Elsa, I know I have offended you, and it pains me not to know how to fix it."
"You can't fix it, Anna, you can't fix me," Elsa said with a desperate tone, finally breaking up. Anna had never seen such a raw emotion in Elsa's face. Elsa was always more or less of a mask, so hard to read. She had seen Elsa anxious and nervous, something close to sadness, happiness, but never in such an utter desperation and pain.
"Fix you? We don't need to fix you, you are not broken. It's this situation that is all wrong. Maybe your reaction for what happened, was a little extreme, but that doesn't mean you need any fixing. You should just learn to talk about your feelings more freely, stop bottling them all up," Anna reasoned.
"You don't understand! You wouldn't understand, I cannot explain this to you!" Elsa cried out. The sudden volume change startled Anna, she had never heard Elsa rise her voice.
"Try me, please. I'll try my best to understand, I promise," Anna pleaded.
"No, I can't! You would be disgusted with me if you knew," Elsa said, turning her back to Anna as if it was shaming her to look at her anymore.
"Elsa, please. I wouldn't ever be disgusted with you, I couldn't even if I wanted to. You are the most wonderful person I have ever met, we just click the way I can't even comprehend. There's no way I could ever look at you and feel anything else but admiration," Anna talked while slowly creeping towards Elsa's turned back.
"You don't understand the things they made me do," Elsa's words broke a little, she was so close to sobbing. Elsa leaned her both hands against the drawer and for a second, Anna was afraid that it was because of her injured leg couldn't hold her weight anymore, but it seemed to have more to do with Elsa's whole body trembling with emotions. "The things I keep doing."
"Who are we talking about? Who made you do things?" Anna prompted.
"My father, them. Don't you get it?" Elsa was speaking with riddles, as if the things she was saying were the most obvious things in the world, but they made no sense to Anna. Elsa had talked about her father hurting her, but she didn't understand what Elsa was currently speaking of.
"No, Elsa, I don't understand. You told me he hurt you, but not that he made you do something. Who arethey, Elsa?" Anna asked, her voice laced with concern for her distressed friend.
Elsa tensed her shoulders visibly, breathing deeply to gain some kind of courage. "I didn't lie when I said that he hurt me, I just wasn't completely truthful." Elsa finally turned to search for Anna's face. It was only a glance, but enough for Anna to detect the pure pain and defeat on Elsa's face, feelings she had never seen marring those beautiful features. "He didn't really hurt me via his fists or anything like that. Sure he sometimes lashed out to me, if I had done something really bad in his eyes, but he wasn't overall very violent man. He was short and skinny by built, he could barely hurt me physically if he wanted to."
"But if he didn't beat you, what did he do?" Anna asked hesitantly. She was unsure of the ways a child could be hurt, other than physical violence. Anna's parents had hurt her by withholding information and forcing her into isolation, but she had a feeling that Elsa was talking about things too big for Anna to fully comprehend.
"Anna, my father was Anders Weselton," Elsa confessed, like it was supposed to answer any question Anna might have.
Anna was utterly confused, the name said nothing to her. "I still don't understand, that name says nothing to me." She frowned in her confusion.
Elsa halted. Her trembling stopped for a moment, every muscle in her body tensed. Then she turned fully to see Anna: "What?" Elsa couldn't understand. She had feared her whole life to even think about her father, in case someone managed to read her mind, and they would all know who she really was. One wrong step and everyone would know. But there Anna was, genuinely confused why Elsa would mention a name that meant nothing to her.
"Am I supposed to know that name? He isn't the king of Norway or anything? Because I swear, I have studied the history of Norway and—," Anna rambled, seemingly getting worked up by the fact she didn't know who Elsa was talking about.
"No, he wasn't a king or anything." Elsa trailed of for a moment. "Anna, he belonged to the biggest pedophile ring in Nordic countries."
For a moment they stared at each other. Elsa pursing her lips, trying to detect Anna's thoughts while she was putting the pieces together in her mind. Then it dawned to her, and she finally understood what Elsa was meaning with that revelation. Her jaw felt like dropping and her eyes widened in shock. Elsa turned around, as if it was unbearable to look at Anna a second longer. She dropped her head in shame and brought her hands to cover her face. "And ever since I got away from them, I've been living off other people's kindness. I'm like a leech, sucking them dry and imposing in their lives. I'm nothing, don't you understand? I'm nothing without the people around me giving and giving and giving."
"Oh, Elsa," was all Anna managed to breath out. Then she hurriedly closed the distance between her and Elsa, wrapping her arms tightly around Elsa's torso. When Elsa only slightly flinched with the contact, but didn't try to pull out, she continued. Anna pressed her cheek against Elsa's left shoulder blade and molded her body into Elsa's. She hold Elsa like she was trying to absorb all the pain Elsa had ever felt. "You are not nothing, you are you and we all love you for that!"
Elsa's body was finally wrecking with sobs. Anna held her tighter, if that was even possible. Anna had never seen Elsa even tear up before. Kristoff had said that Elsa barely cried, and if she did, she did her best to do it without anyone seeing. Anna felt privileged to see Elsa's emotions so unadulterated. Was it wrong for her to feel joy for Elsa sharing this moment with her, if Elsa was also in so much pain? How could Elsa think such a things about herself?
It took a moment for Elsa to compose herself, but when she did, she straightened her back to sign Anna off. Anna reluctantly let go of her friend. Elsa wiped her tears and put on the indifferent mask that Anna was so accustomed to. "I'm sorry for that folly. I didn't mean to cry like a child, I don't know what got into me. But I hope you do understand now why some certain subjects are harder to me than they are to most," her tone was cold and regal, no trace of the sobbing girl she had been just a moment ago, but her face still showed how hurt she was.
"You don't need to be sorry! Elsa, crying is normal, especially to someone who has gone through even half of what you have. I'm so glad that you told me, I'm grateful for that. But Elsa, you need to stop bottling these feelings, it is okay to talk about them. And if you ever want to let them out, I'm here to listen." Anna took a deep breath and put her right hand on Elsa's chest, against the soft blue fabric, just on the place she assumed Elsa's heart would be. She could feel the soft thumping against her palm. "I just want you to start seeing yourself like I do, like I'm sure others see you too. You are a hell of a woman, Elsa. I know we haven't known each other so long, but it feels like you have always being in my heart, and I hope I have been in yours. You are the sister I have been waiting for my whole life."
"Oh, Anna—," Elsa sighed and reached her right hand to hold Anna's hand on her chest. She even pressed it a little harder, so Anna could feel the thumping inside Elsa even stronger.
However, she didn't finish her thought, so Anna continued instead: "I had a big sister at some point. I think she died before I was born, maybe even before she was born. My parents never told me what happened to her, they never told me anything about her. I just always knew I had a big sister, Lotte. Lotte had her own room and every year we would light a candle for her in seventh of December. I don't know if it was her birthday, date of death, or something else, I wasn't allowed to ask. We had a rule in the house, everyone had to think Lotte as a part of the family, but never spoke of her."
Elsa was relaxing under her touch. Her eyes were soft and curious and Anna knew it was okay for her to go on: "When I was a little girl, I believed that Lotte was actually there, she was just hiding in her own room, for some reason. The door was always locked, so I would just sit behind her door and beg her to come out, or at least talk to me. Of course she never did, that room was empty. I made her a birthday card every year, on the candle day. As I didn't know if it was her actual birthday nor did I know her age, I begged her forgiveness in every card. I slipped the card under her door every year, they piled up during years, as there was no one to actually read them. I just thought she was ignoring me, as usual. I think I was nine when I actually realized that Lotte was gone, she had always been. I kept making her those cards though, it just felt right, forever asking for her forgiveness for not knowing anything of her."
Anna took a deep breath. Her mouth felt dry and she wished for a sip of water, but she had to keep going. She had come this far, there was no sense to stop now. "When I understood that Lotte could never give me what I craved for, I begged my parents for a little sister, someone who would have filled the empty halls, someone who would have made me feel loved and not alone. My parents' answer was always the same: 'you already have a sister'. It was not a discussion they were going to have with me. Sometimes I even wonder why they got me, if not having Lotte hurt them so much that they never wanted me to have siblings."
Then Anna lifted her eyes from their intervened hands, and looked straight into Elsa's blue eyes. "But then I met you. For the first moment I saw you, I knew that I want to be close to you. When we actually got close, I knew that you were the one. You are the one I feel exactly like I always dreamed I would feel with Lotte. She might be my sister by blood, but I never truly could love her the way I love you, you are my sister by soul. I can talk to you and you hear me, I can learn about you just by looking at you, and I can touch you to know you are real. Lotte was always just a thought, a person I made up in my mind to fill the hole in my heart. You are real and you take the place like it has always been yours to take."
They stared each other for a moment. Elsa looked touched. Then Anna moved their hands against her own heart, letting the flat of Elsa's palm feel her pumping heart. "Do you feel it?" Anna asked and Elsa nodded. "I love Kristoff, I do, but I don't think I could live without you. Not after I had learned how full my heart could feel around you. Please, don't shut me out and please, never think you are not worth our attention and care."
Elsa shook her head slightly: "I won't. I feel it too. It—it feels good to be around you." Elsa's answer was much vaguer than Anna's, lacking the emotional words, but they told Anna everything she needed to know.
Then Anna let Elsa's hand go, the air was turning too heavy for her to handle anymore. She needed to lighten it up: "So, my parents didn't really appreciate me saying that I love you more than Lotte, like you did. Do you have any advice for that?"
Elsa looked puzzled for a moment, before letting out a relaxed chuckle. She seemed relieved for the change of tone. "Sure, let me hear all about it," Elsa smiled and popped down to her bed, gesturing Anna to join her.
Anna gladly took the invitation and scooched into Elsa's open arms. She rested her head against Elsa's shoulder and begun her story with her parents.
Anna was proud of herself for making it all the way to her own room and flopping down to her bed, before getting her phone to google what she had desperately wanted to for hours. The make up with Elsa had went perfectly, she felt lighter than she had in weeks. Elsa had told her what had upset her so, Anna felt like a jerk for not noticing the signs, and then she had revealed all about Lotte and why Elsa was so important to her.
But none of that could have sated the hunger she had for knowing more. Elsa had said her father's name as if she had expected to Anna to know him. Ever since then Anna had had that terrible itch to google his name, and see what comes up. She was both intrigued and terrified to find out. Elsa had told her enough to know that she probably didn't want to know the details, but she couldn't help the curiosity. Anna needed every opportunity to find out more about the mysterious woman who meant too much to her.
She had been right, typing his name brought out immediately some results of newspapers. She clicked the first one, which was about the investigation of the pedophile ring that Elsa had talked about. She hadn't been exaggerating, they had truly worked all around the Nordic countries, trafficking both children and pornographic materials about them. According to the article, they had brought most of the children from third-world countries, and were even accused of murdering some of the children.
There were couple of names of the criminals, including Anders Weselton, a Swedish business man who had been shot dead and burned in his own car, in Norway. Elsa had mentioned the car accident that his father had died in. Had Elsa been there, when her father had been shot? What else had she seen as a little child? Looking at the dates of the article, she noted that Elsa had been somewhere between eleven and thirteen when that had happened. Her heart broke for that little girl Elsa had been.
Then it hit her. A Swedish business man, in a pedophile ring, who had involved his daughter in it. That sounded exactly like the story her father had told her. Had her father met Elsa's father? Had he even met Elsa as a baby? Anna felt sick, she was filling her head with wondering if her father could have saved Elsa, if he had just seen through Weselton. Maybe Elsa wouldn't ever had to experience the cruelty she had. No wonder Elsa had left so quickly when she had told that story back then, she had probably also connected the dots.
It pained Anna to know how many times she had hurt Elsa, unknowingly. She tried to recall if she had ever made off-colored jokes about child abuse or rape, but she couldn't remember any. The guilt was twisting in her stomach, reminding her that she had had sex next to the wall that was dividing her from the girl who had been raped and trafficked as a child. Anna had had one of the best nights of her life while Elsa had most likely suffered horrible flashbacks because of her. She felt so sick that she actually wanted to puke.
They could have just come to her room instead, it wasn't so long distance, they would have managed even in the heat of the moment. Maybe her bed was smaller and less comfortable than Kristoff's, but it wasn't impossible to fit two people. Anna knew that some people had sex in cars, they definitely could have fitted on her cramped bed. She felt like an utter garbage for doing that to Elsa, she felt so ashamed that she had the audacity to think that Elsa had overreacted, that the situation had only been awkward at most. If only she had known before. Her ignorance didn't excuse her behavior, but she was sure she wouldn't have ever done that, if she had known.
But Kristoff did know, a small voice nagged in her brain. There was no way that he didn't know. The thing had been all over internet and Elsa was his sister, he had to know what had happened. Anna couldn't understand how he could have let things escalate to the point they had, if he knew all along. Why did he let her lead him to that bedroom while his poor sister was sleeping next door? Anna wanted to cry, cry out her own frustration, cry out her anger towards Kristoff, and cry out her sadness for poor Elsa. How could have anyone do that to her?
She read couple of the articles more, like the masochist she was. None of them said anything about Elsa, though it made sense. Elsa had been minor back then, the news wouldn't be boasting her name on the headlines. The comment sections, on the other hand, were filled with angry people spitting threats to the men who had been involved and many of the commenters seemed to be sure that the Weselton's daughter had been one of the victims. There were speculations about her disappearance and involvement in the fall of the pedophile ring. Some people thought that her father sold her to others, and some thought he only used her himself. Anna knew it was the first. Some of the speculations were too wild to be true, including the one in which Elsa was made up character to make up evidence against the people government felt were a threat.
When she couldn't take it anymore, she closed Chrome and set her phone on the bed, screen down. Only to pick it back up to make the long waited call to her parents. She was done hiding, she needed to make things right again. She loved her parents, no matter how flawed they might be, and they felt more important to her now than ever.
She didn't skype, she wasn't ready to see their faces yet. It rang once, then twice, and then: "Anna? Is that you?" It was her mother's voice.
She burst into tears right after that. "I'm so sorry mom," she wept to the phone and her mother tried to hush her gently. She cried out all the anxiety she had felt during the day, the week even. Her mother just listened, the way she felt like Iduna had never listened before.