The cold late autumn wind was blowing her hair around. It was tied into a ponytail, but that hardly managed to hold the hair still. The first snows had come and gone, leaving the leaves wet. They stuck onto the soles of her shoes. The only noises she heard, were the rustling leaves, gentle waves of the river, and sporadic cars in the distance. The damp rocks of the sidewalk were glistening in the light of the streetlamps. Elsa couldn't help but imagine how beautiful it would look under the rise of sun, instead of the artificial light.

It was almost winter, the nights were too long to have these lonely walks in the night, and expect to see the sun. Still, Elsa couldn't give up these secret strolls in the darkness, which for she sneaked whenever she was sure no one would notice. At first it had been to see the dawn or the sunrise, then the habit just stuck. She felt so alive and awake when the whole city slept. Elsa didn't want to tell Anna or Kristoff, she was too afraid they would want to tag alone, or demand to know why Elsa insisted to go for them. Kristoff would most likely to deem them too dangerous and forbid Elsa from going. When had Elsa ever been able to disagree with Kristoff?

No, this was Elsa's little secret. It was a way for Elsa to forget the woes of the world for a moment, forget how scared and useless little girl she truly was. When Elsa was alone at night in the cold streets, she was the brave and independent woman she had always dreamed to be. Out there, away from the judging gazes, Elsa walked with confidence, or sat on the edge of the river without caring if she looked strange or got her clothes dirty. At night, Elsa didn't need people to take care of her. When it was quiet enough, she could hear her own voice loud and clear.

And by her own voice, she meant the one that was buried under all the anxiety, meekness, and sadness she had gathered throughout the years. The voice was the real Elsa, the one who wanted to open her cage and fly like the free bird she was meant to be. When she closed her eyes, she could hear her wings flapping against the wind, taking her to the places she had never been before. That Elsa wasn't afraid of messing up and ending up worse than she had already, that Elsa saw only one way: forward.

Elsa knew she had school at the morning, but it didn't matter when she was there. When she was standing on that quiet but familiar street, she wasn't worried about tomorrow, not even if she was already on that side of the night. She was probably losing too much sleep because of her nightly habits, but she couldn't go on without them anymore. She needed that release time to time to be able to take the mess that was her life.

How hadn't she noticed before how unhappy she was? Or maybe she had, she had just thought that it was a part of her, the sadness. Who was she if she wasn't that desponded girl who did what she was told and didn't complain about anything? Who was she, if she wasn't drowning in the burden of gratefulness? Her misery was her oldest companion, always guilting her for not being good enough, not worthy enough, not grateful enough, she hadn't even noticed that it wasn't a build in part of her, just something she had caught like a disease. Who was she without it? Elsa didn't know, but she truly wanted to know. If only she knew how.

There was one rule Elsa had learned in life, after being hit by it over and over again: if things went too well for a while, life would always fix its mistake. Her life had been so good for a while now, maybe even better than they had ever been. She had felt so light after unloading her secrets to Anna, after Anna had trusted her enough to whisper her own secrets to Elsa. Things had been easy with Kristoff, with school, and she had been stupid enough to trust her therapist that she would be able to take the world as it was, now.

She was regretting that choice. The horrifying nightmares woke her up in middle of the night. They were just nightmares, not memories, but terrifying nevertheless. They were the kind that made you wake up from your own heart pounding in your chest. Elsa was covered in sweat and she felt afraid to look at her window or mirrors, fearing to see a face that didn't belong to her in them. She looked anyway, there was nothing there.

Elsa would have sighed with relief, if she didn't feel like one exhale would be enough for her to lose all the food she had ever consumed. The nausea was so intense that she knew, if she didn't get up in that red second she would puke all over her bed.

She threw herself off the bed. Her poor leg screamed from the pain when it landed on the floor, forced to bear Elsa's lithe weight. She ignored it, stumbling blindly out of the room. She managed to open the door before the bile forced itself out of her throat. The pain was immense, it had been long enough from eating that her stomach was mostly empty. So the vomit was more of acid than anything else. It burned her throat and forced her to gag again, the nausea being everything else but gone.

Elsa felt weak, her hands were shaking under her weight when she was on all her fours on her own threshold. She was terrified they would buckle under her and send her face first onto her own vomit. She opted to fell on her side, the doorframe painfully digging into her back. The smell was almost unbearable when her face was so close to the puddle on the floor. But Elsa felt almost too tired and sick to care. She just watched the floor with a horizontal view, it was dirty with her vomit but for once, Elsa didn't care. She didn't care at all and the thought was so amusing to her that she started giggling. Then the giggling turned into a full-blown hysterical laughter.

The slam of Kristoff's door forced her back to the reality. She stopped laughing, tears trailing from her eyes towards the ground. "Elsa what the hell happened?" There were strong arms holding her head up. "Are you okay, can you hear me? I'm calling the ambulance!" Kristoff's frantic tone was really adding on the pounding headache she was getting.

Elsa reached to Kristoff's arm with a gentle hand. "Kristoff, calm down. I'm just—," and then she retched again.

Anna was sitting on the dentist's chair, gloved fingers inside of her mouth. The dentist, who happened to be Hans, was scrapping dirt from her teeth. She felt uncomfortable and wanted to pull her head away from Hans' prying fingers, but she was tied to the chair. She couldn't even scream, not with all the saliva, and Hans' digits pressing her tongue down.

Suddenly there was loud banging on the door. Anna glanced it, and she could see the pounding being so intense that the door was threating to burst out of its hinges. She gave Hans a nervous look. Hans just smiled at her back, the smile that was too serene to be good.

"It's just Lotte, she has her appointment after you. I guess she's getting impatient," Hans explained. The banging just intensified. "Dead can be so loud sometimes. I think we should hurry, just in case."

Before Anna could answer, Hans pulled the teeth out of her mouth. It didn't hurt, but the blood was oozing out of the hole, trying to drown her. Anna gagged and spluttered, and the pounding just got louder and louder until Anna had to open her eyes.

Anna's cheek was pressed down on a damp pillow. Saliva was running out of her mouth. When she dried it with her hand and examined the color, she realized there was no blood in it. All her teeth were just fine. But the pounding didn't stop with her dream. The room was dark, but she could still see that her door was open. The knocking was coming from her front door.

Anna got up from the bed, confused and tired. She glanced the clock and saw it was less than 5 am. Who in the world would pound her door like that, in an ungodly hour like that? Anna forced herself to move towards the door, getting more nervous after every step. When she was next to the door, she peeked to the hallway through the peephole.

The hallway was as dark as her room, but she knew those broad shoulders wherever. Anna opened the door. "Kristoff, what—?"

"Jeez Anna, it took like forever for you to wake up. I think I woke up the whole floor before you opened the door," Kristoff exclaimed with a hushed tone.

"You could have just used the spare key I gave you to come in and shake me awake, instead of pounding my door like a lunatic."

"Oh, yeah, the key."

"Doesn't matter. What's so important that you are waking me at this hour? Are you okay, is Elsa okay?" Anna was starting to get worked up from worry. Kristoff looked terrible, like he hadn't slept a wink-full in ages.

"Calm down. I just need your help," Kristoff shushed her. "Elsa's sick, she's been throwing up for hours now. I have my morning shift at six and I can't leave her alone like that. Please, could you keep her company till your classes start? I know it's your school morning, but this is really important."

"Yes, of course!" Anna answered hurriedly. She had already chose not to attend school, not if it meant leaving sick Elsa alone. "But shouldn't we call to the hospital if something like this happens to her?" Anna asked with a great concern.

"No, no, it's alright. You just need to keep her company, make sure she drinks enough. I really have to hurry now," Kristoff rushed with his words.

"Okay, okay. I'll take good care of your sister," our sister, she corrected in her mind "you don't need to worry about anything."

To Anna's great surprise, Elsa didn't look ill. She was laying on the couch, watching silly cartoons on the telly, sick bucket next to her but still, she looked queasy at the best. She looked like someone had forced her to stay awake for a week, with her dark eye bags and disheveled appearance, but other than that, she seemed healthy enough. The image of young Elsa with skin too tight on her meatless bones, the tone of it so pale and waxy, and the dull eyes too tired to belong for such a young child had imprinted itself in Anna's mind. Maybe she had too high expectations for sick, after seeing that, but this Elsa didn't look even feverish.

She crossed to room to join Elsa. When she was standing right next to her blond friend, Elsa looked up and quirked her eyebrows. "Kristoff put you to the babysitter's role?" she asked with a dry voice.

"Uh, you know Kristoff, he worries," Anna excused weakly.

Surprisingly Elsa made space for Anna, next to her head. "Oh well, then by all means, come watch me while I empty my stomach's contents in a bucket. It must be fascinating to see," Elsa's voice was tripping with thick sarcasm that was so surprising from Elsa's mouth, that Anna didn't doubt her sickness a moment longer.

Before Anna could react to Elsa's offer to join her on the couch, Elsa reached for the bucked and puked liquid so clear, that there couldn't be anything but water in it. Anna reached to pat Elsa's back comfortingly, as she didn't know what else to do. Elsa had no need for holding her hair, as it was already tied in a messy bun, which was yet again one thing she had never seen on Elsa before.

"Don't worry, it's not contagious," Elsa said with a raw voice and grinned weakly to Anna, before heaving out some more of the clear liquid.

Anna took Elsa's empty glass and went to fill it up. She sprinkled a small amount of salt on the water. Her mother had done the same to her when she was a little girl and ill. Iduna had said that one had to avoid hyponatremia when drinking a lot and vomiting it. Anna wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but who was she to argue against her mother?

She went back to the couch and sat on the empty space Elsa had made for her. She helped the blond to get up slightly, to offer her the water to drink. Elsa's skin was cool to touch, not feverish like she had expected. Maybe it had sweated up a little from vomiting, but otherwise it was pretty much like normal. Elsa's skin was always cool to touch, it felt nice against her.

"Are you okay?" Anna asked with concerned tone, after Elsa was done sipping her drink, and Anna had put it down on the coffee table.

"Well, I just lost half of my insides, so you know, just splendid," Elsa answered dryly and gagged, but didn't hurl anything out this time, luckily.

"Okay, I get it, you probably feel terrible. Let's just watch cartoons and try to survive the day, okay?" Anna proposed. She understood that Elsa was feeling sick and didn't want to have any deep conversation about her wellbeing. Anna would probably be beyond moody herself, if she hadn't slept a wink-full all night and was throwing up like there was no tomorrow.

"Okay." Elsa turned her head, which was resting on Anna's thigh, to look up at her, and smiled sweetly. It was enough to convince Anna that Elsa was grateful for her company.

Anna smiled back to Elsa to show her that there was no offense taken, she understood that Elsa wasn't being rude or mean, just ill. Elsa turned her face back towards the TV, where Tom & Jerry was rolling on. Her left cheek was resting heavily on Anna's naked thigh, while the redhead absently stroked her messy hair, tingling her neck with feather-like touches on the baby hairs in there.

Anna felt content. It was so nice for Elsa to let herself be so vulnerable with Anna. It was a rare treat and Anna accepted it eagerly. How nice could it be, just sitting in a small apartment, way too early in the morning, in her skimpy pajama shorts and some oversized t-shirt, holding the sick blond on her lap, and watching a cartoon made for kids? It was funny how always so serious Elsa was laying there limply against Anna's thighs and giggling behind her hand when watching a cartoon mouse. And to think that people used to call her the Ice Queen.

"Heaven's sake, you look rough, Elsa," Dr. Johaug commented after Elsa stepped into the room.

"I know. Remember when I told you that going off hadn't really affected me?" Dr. Johaug nodded slightly. "Well it affects me now. I thought I'm going to die this morning."

The doctor looked a little shocked, she wasn't used to Elsa talking so freely. Usually Elsa sat on the armchair and fidgeted her legs and hands until the session was over, barely answering the questions. And it was even rarer for Elsa to admit that anything was wrong. When she was talking, everything was just fine. Maybe going off her medication was already doing some good for her.

"I know it might feel really bad, you seem to react especially strongly, in the physical sense. But don't worry, the symptoms won't last more than couple of days," Dr. Johaug told comfortingly. "How are you feeling, mentally? Any returning feelings of intense anxiety or depression, suicidal thoughts even?"

"I'm not suicidal!" Elsa all but shouted. Yes, she had tried to end her life couple of times, but that was when she thought she would've died anyway, and she rather didn't think about those times. And yes, she could sometimes be a little careless with her life, ready to succumb to death if it was to come and collect her. But succumbing wasn't the same thing as actively ending her own life. Besides, nobody knew about those times, nor her thoughts, at least she hoped so. "Why everyone always assumes that? They see broken, they think suicidal," Elsa huffed, clearly annoyed. She wanted people to stop assuming that she wanted to end her own life because she had a hard childhood and wasn't all smile and puppies every day. It was so rude.

"I didn't mean it like that. It's just the side effect of going off the medication, one that you might experience," Dr. Johaug told her calmly.

"Yes, I know, I'm sorry. I've been feeling a little irritated. My head is aching and I couldn't slept last night because of the nightmares and nausea," Elsa explained and rubbed her temples to release some pressure.

"It's all normal Elsa, those symptoms will go away. Is there other feelings you have been having?"

"Mostly I just feel restless," Elsa admitted. She wasn't sure why she was sharing so much with the doctor. Maybe Anna had removed some kind of plunge when she had forced Elsa to share her feelings. Ever since then, it had been a little easier for her to just tell people what she was thinking. So easy actually, that Dr. Johaug had decided to get her off her anxiety and depression medication. Was she truly finally making some progress?

"You mean that you can't sleep, or—?" Johaug prompted.

"No, I mean restless the way that makes it hard to stay still. I go every night for those walks now," Elsa told.

"The restlessness can be caused by the decrease in medication," the doctor suggested.

"No." Elsa shook her head. "It's more than that. I had this feeling before, now it's just more intense. I think the medication was just dampening it down before. I feel like I'm not where I'm meant to be."

"Care to elaborate that?" Dr. Johaug asked with a curious tone.

"I feel like I'm stuck here, doing the bare minimum of living. Being the good student, good sister, good friend, but never just Elsa. I'd love to go to places, see places, know what different paths I could take before settling to one," Elsa explained the best she could.

Dr. Johaug had that awed expression, like she had made a breakthrough with her patient. It made Elsa uncomfortable to be looked at like an accomplishment, but when Dr. Johaug asked her to go on, she did.

Elsa explained all the places she wished to visit, the things she wanted to do, and also admitted the guilt she felt for wishing for more than she had. She told about the burden of gratefulness she had towards people who had hold her up when she had been the lowest. How disrespectful it was towards them to want more than they had already given her. She didn't think that the doctor truly understood, but it felt good to unload the baggage she had gathered for years. She left that therapy session lighter than she had ever had.

Elsa had always thought that a therapist was supposed to fix her problems, and when she never had, Elsa had grew even more resentful towards the sessions. But now she was starting to think that Anna was right after all, maybe talking was the key. Dr. Johaug had barely said a word while she had unloaded all her burdens, and yet she felt better than all those times she had left the session with new prescription in her hand.

A/N I'm not sure if it's just me, or were the comments in the last chapter like really nice. Not sure if the chapter was actually better than usually, or if y'all were like in really good mood. Reading those comments made me feel so happy and motivated, thank you all!

This chapter has some more of Elsa, I feel like I haven't got to really write her POV in the longest time. It's easier for me to write what is happening to Elsa, when I'm not actually writing her POV, because it keeps a certain uncertainty in the story that I like. Besides, I think that having everything in Elsa's POV all the time, would be really depressing to read. If you're here for wallowing in Elsa's depression, I think my other story is more suitable for you :) See y'all in the next one!