"Hey mom!" Elsa started the conversation when her mother picked up her call.
"What has Kristoff done?" her mother asked with a tired sigh.
"Nothing, he's all good, I'm all good," Elsa answered, feeling a little buzzled.
"What it is, then? Elsa, you never call yourself," Bulda reminded her.
Elsa cringed. She never did, did she? It was just so much easier to tell Kristoff what she wanted to tell to their mother. Kristoff would call Bulda all the time, Elsa didn't want to be a burden or annoying, taking too much of their mother's time. "Uh, I wanted to talk about Christmas plans."
"What about them, sweetie?"
Elsa changed the phone to her other hand, palms sweating from nervousness. Gosh how much Elsa hated to talk through phone, it made her so anxious. "I wanted to ask—uh—pardon me—I'm just—I would like to come home for Christmas. I mean, only if it's okay for you, of course," Elsa stammered.
Her mother's distorted chuckle broke into Elsa's ear. "Oh, sweetie. You and Kristoff have spent every Christmas at home, why wouldn't we want you come here this Christmas? I'd be upset if you didn't come."
"I—I don't t-t-t-think Kristoff will come this year. I think it might be only me," Elsa broke the news with stutter. Heat was blazing to her face.
"He asked you to call and tell he wouldn't come this year?" Elsa could hear the feelings of hurt behind Bulda's stern tone.
"N-n-n-no, Kristoff didn't ask me to call. He hasn't really made any plans yet. I just know that Anna's parents are coming for Christmas to spend it peacefully with their daughter and Anna has been building confidence to ask Kristoff to finally meet her parents as they are getting really serious. And m-m-m-mother, I think he should stay and meet Anna's parents, he can come home for New Year," Elsa argued on her brother's behalf.
Her mother was quiet for a long while, and Elsa was ready to start apologizing for overstepping her boundaries. Then her mother answered with a calm voice: "You're right. It's just one day, we can celebrate together any given day. Anna's parents come all the way from England, this might be the only change for long time to meet them. How did I deserve such a smart and thoughtful daughter?"
"M-m-mother," Elsa stuttered and blushed furiously for the compliment.
"But you are coming? You don't want to meet Anna's parents? I'm sure she would love for you to meet them too."
"I'm not dating Anna, I don't need to meet her parents," Elsa stated.
"So, don't you have any special boy who's dying to show you to his family?" And then she added after a beat: "—or special girl?"
Elsa resisted a groan. She knew that was just her mother's way to hint that there would be no judging if she happened to prefer girls and was just too shy to admit it. But she couldn't help but feel annoyed being asked the same question over and over again. She knew her family would accept her being gay, but could they accept her not being sexually driven being? Elsa didn't feel the need to find another person to be romantically involved with, the whole idea of someone being so near, kissing her on the lips, touching her in those places, it sounded terrible.
Elsa was sick and tired of people always asking if she already had someone, and wondering why she didn't. Most of them assumed it had to do with her trust issues and traumas. Maybe it did, Elsa wasn't sure. She just knew that she didn't really feel that attracted to people, she didn't know what was wrong with her. She didn't understand what made people act all crazy around their crushes. She didn't even really understand what crushing meant.
Elsa had sat in the classes, seen people and thought that their faces were handsome, their body looked appealing, their hair was luscious, or their clothes were neat. Did that mean she was crushing on those people? It had never made her want to do something that had possibility of making herself a fool in front of others, it has actually never made her to want to go and talk to those people. So did everyone else just exaggerate the madness they felt because of those feelings, or was she just different than others?
Elsa didn't really have a sex drive neither. She was quite sure, she didn't feel aroused the way other people did. She had studied about human biology and how normal sexual instincts were to people, but she didn't feel that way. Sometimes she was reading a novel, and the things would start to get steamy. She would blush and her skin would feel a little warm at first, but if things went much farther, she would either get bored, disgusted, or outright anxious. She never got a feeling that she wanted to travel her own hand into her pants and relieve some kind of pressure, like she had studied that people did. And she could hardly imagine some other person doing that to her, without bursting into tears of anxiety.
"Mother, please," she said instead of all that, and hoped Bulda would drop the subject.
"Alright, alright. I'll let you youngsters' keep your secrets." Not exactly what Elsa had been hoping for, but she would take it.
"I just want to come home and spend the Christmas with you and Olaf and Pabbie and the whole family,"
"And we'd love to have you here. I'll book you the train tickets now, okay? You know how hard it is to get tickets to North in winter break." Elsa knew the hidden meaning behind Bulda booking her tickets.
"I can pay my own tickets, mom, I still have the heritance money, remember?"
"Nonsense. No daughter of mine is going to spend her savings to come home for holidays," Bulda said with a tone that Elsa didn't dare to argue against. "It was so nice to hear from you, from yourself. You should call more often. I'll book your tickets now and sent them to you via email. Let's talk more later, goodbye, sweetie."
"Goodbye, mother," Elsa stated quietly and ended the call.
She was getting emotional from the goodbyes. She really needed more time to get used to feeling so much all the time, again. Elsa was so used to all her emotions being dulled, that she felt like a maniac these days.
"Hey Anna, what's the problem?" Elsa said, without rising her eyes from the book she was reading.
"What? There's no problem!" Anna denied. "How did you know there was a problem?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Your face screams that you're here to ask me an advice," Elsa stated.
"Well yes and no. I'm here because it's seventh."
"Uhh? Okay?" Elsa had frowned.
"It's the day!" Anna tried to prompt.
"The day? Oh the day! I'm so sorry Anna, I completely forgot. What do you need?"
"I bought a candle and wrote a birthday card, but I don't know where the put them now that I can't just push them in her room. There's nothing of Lotte here and I don't know how to give these to her," Anna pouted sadly and sat down next to Elsa with a defeated slump.
"Of course there is. Lotte is always with you," Elsa said. Then she put her hand to Anna's heart. "She's always there."
Anna sighed and then said with a serious tone: "So which one you suggest I do: eat the letter, or inhale it?"
"What?" Elsa asked with a puzzled expression. Then she saw Anna's grin and slapped her on the arm. "Oh shut up, I was trying to be sentimental."
"I know, I know. But seriously, what am I going to do with this letter and where do I lit the candle?"
"How about some beautiful place in forest. Bury the letter and lit the candle for it?" Elsa suggested.
"Great idea, but it's freezing cold out there and the ground is frozen solid," Anna reminded.
"Hmm, how about open your window, lit the candle and burn the card instead. That way wind will take the pieces where ever she is," Elsa tried again.
"Yes, I love that idea! C'mon, let's go!" Anna shouted and shot to her legs, before offering a hand to Elsa.
"Me too?" Elsa asked with a confused face.
"Of course! It's kind of poetic don't you think? I'm taking my new sister to meet my old one—I mean, she's still my sister, but you know—just not here anymore—or I mean—," Anna rambled.
"Sure, it's poetic. I'll come if you want me to," Elsa stopped Anna's rambling. She got up and reached for her crutch, she only used one anymore.
"Oh wait!" Anna then shouted, before Elsa had even properly started to walk towards the door.
"What?"
"The book! You gotta read the book for her!" Anna shouted. Elsa just looked her like she had grew a second head. Anna could have been talking a completely strange language for all Elsa knew, as she couldn't understand a word Anna was saying.
"What book?" she asked.
"The book, about the brothers, and death, and stuff. It's the perfect book for Lotte, she's kind of my Jonatan. I mean, she didn't really save my life—or maybe she did and that's why she's gone, but wouldn't my parents have told me that? Anyway, she's waiting for me out there, isn't she? Fishing or rising doves, whatever she likes to, but she's waiting for me?" Anna asked, suddenly seeming so sad.
"Yes, she's there waiting for you," Elsa answered what Anna wanted to hear. Now was not the time to bring out her own point of view.
"So you'll read her the book, right?" Anna asked.
"Wouldn't she rather hear you reading it?" Elsa suggested.
"Listen me butchering Swedish? I can hardly understand it when you are reading it, she will not understand a word if I'm trying to!" Anna threw her hand to the air animatedly.
"Sure, whatever, I'm reading it then," Elsa chuckled. "But someday, I'm going to teach you to speak proper Swedish."
"Kristoff has lived with you for so long, and he doesn't speak Swedish. He actually barely understands it, and he has lived his whole life in Norway, speaking Norwegian, so it should be so much easier for him," Anna argued.
"Well, his head is as thick as those rocks he used to collect as a kid, I'm not trying to hammer anything in there," Elsa stated.
"Kristoff and his stupid thick head always getting free passes," Anna muttered grumpily. Elsa just laughed at that.
Elsa had rushed back to home with an excuse of making dinner for Kristoff, so he could eat after hockey practice. Anna hadn't really understood, why did Elsa make dinner for her adult brother, but had been fine with it anyway. Anna had offered to help Elsa or come to be her companion at least, but Elsa had managed to convince her to stay and devote the day for her late sister.
They had had a beautiful memorial sort of thing, candles and everything, and Elsa had read the best chapters of her favorite book to the girl neither of them had ever met. But it had opened some wound inside of Elsa's chest. It had reminded her how she had never properly mourned for her had felt like she was suffocating when they sat on the floor, under the window, in Anna's tiny apartment. She felt like she couldn't breathe, but she couldn't say anything about it to Anna. Elsa couldn't make the day of Anna's sister about herself. So she had sucked it all in and left as soon as she thought it was appropriate.
She had lasted all the way until she had started doing the dishes that had piled up from making dinner. Something about the running water had forced the tears out, and before she noticed it, she was sobbing like there was no tomorrow. Elsa was embarrassed of her tears, she hadn't cried in the longest time like that. Actually, she couldn't even remember if she had ever cried like that, and she didn't even know what she was crying for. She knew even less on how to stop crying.
Elsa had thought she was stronger, that she didn't really cry like a child anymore, but she had been wrong. Maybe the pills had made her so dull of feelings, that she had truly thought she had gotten better. Was this crying mess the real her? The good days were so good, she felt like she couldn't stop laughing until her stomach hurt. But the bad days were horrible, she got irritated so easily and the smallest things upset her. She had gotten irritated before, she had actually been irritated most of the times before, but now it wasn't just a nagging feeling on the background anymore, it consumed her whole. It brought tears to her eyes and made her want to destroy everything she saw.
When the dishes were done, and Elsa's tears were long dried out, she sighed with relief and wiped her hands dry. Crying had helped her, she felt relaxed again. When she cried, everything felt even more horrible than when she held it back, but afterwards, she had got that calm feeling. Elsa glanced the clock and frowned. The dinner she had made was cold and unappetizing looking. Kristoff was supposed to be home already, should have been ages ago.
When Elsa was truly starting to get worried, the door opened. Kristoff walked in, dropped his hockey bag on the floor and greeted his dog enthusiastically, just like any day after practice. He was all smiles when he greeted Elsa too, but Elsa was standing in the kitchen with crossed arms and stern look on her face.
"You were supposed to be home an hour ago," she said.
"Yeah, something game up, I tell you later," Kristoff grinned like a lunatic. "So what's for dinner?"
"It's cold and gross already," Elsa huffed. She was so annoyed for a reason she wasn't exactly sure of.
Kristoff seemed to find her irritation amusing. He grunted softly and picked his sister up, twirling squirming Elsa a couple of times in the air. "We'll microwave it. I bet it's delicious anyway," he said and put Elsa down.
Elsa gave him a murderous look, while straightening her heavy skirt from non-existent wrinkles. Then she put the plate in microwave and watched the pasta that had once looked so delicious to change into that mushy and dry thing while spinning inside the box.
She put the plates on the table and sat down to push her food around the dish. Elsa couldn't find stomach to eat, but Kristoff devoured his serving like he had been starved for months. He complimented Elsa's cooking with his mouth full of food, and Elsa wondered with disgust how she had managed with Kristoff's manners for so long. She didn't say anything, though, she couldn't upset Kristoff, especially when he was in such a good mood. What if Kristoff decided that he didn't want Elsa to go to see his family in Christmas if he got too upset with her? Their family, Elsa corrected in her mind.
"So, I've been thinking—," Kristoff started somewhat nervously, after swallowing the last bite. Elsa hadn't tasted hers. "You know that Anna's parents are coming for Christmas, and uh—I thought—What if we spent the holiday with them instead?" Kristoff looked like he waited for a blow.
"Yeah, that's a good idea. I already talked about it with mother, it's cool," Elsa agreed with a nonchalant voice.
Kristoff's jaw almost dropped open: "Wait what? You have?" Elsa nodded. "That's amazing, Elsa! Thank you! The Christmas will be so amazing, trust me! We can show Anna all of our traditions, and she can—"
"I'm not staying," Elsa corrected. "I'm going home for Christmas. I thought you and Sven and Anna, if she wants to, can come for New Year."
"You're not staying?" Kristoff asked with a confused face. Elsa shook her head for a no. "But we have always spend our holidays together."
"We can still spend New Year together."
"I'm not letting you be alone in Christmas!" Kristoff shouted, horrified.
"I'm not alone, Kristoff, I'm with our family," Elsa chuckled, but Kristoff didn't look amused.
"I'm not letting you go alone with train, it's a long way and dangerous. No, I'm coming with you."
"I will be fine, Kristoff. You will stay here, meet your girlfriend's parents, and we will see in New Year's eve. Anna would be sorely disappointed if you didn't stay with her. She's been dying to ask you," Elsa reasoned.
Kristoff looked like she wanted to argue more, but didn't. Then his face morphed into a smile, and Elsa was confused. "My parents-in-law," he said, softly.
"I don't—," Elsa stated, but Kristoff quieted her by putting a small velvet box on the table in front of her.
"What do you say about this, sis," Kristoff said, and opened the box. Elsa gasped, with horror.
"You didn't get Anna pregnant, did you?" she suddenly blurted, while eyeing the ring. Oh, stupid Elsa, why did she say that aloud?
"What? No! Of course not! I want to marry her. We're not in Middle Ages, I don't need to marry anyone because they're pregnant or any other stupid reason. Marriage is all about love."
Elsa stared Kristoff with wide eyes. "Yes, we're not in Middle Ages where people start out their families at age of sixteen. You have been dating for half a year, don't you think this is a little too soon?" she asked, trying to make Kristoff see the problem.
"Anna is the one, I know it. The time doesn't matter, and I don't have to ask her today, or the next week, or even this year. I just want to have this ring with me, because I know I will ask her to marry me eventually, and when the perfect moment comes, I want to be ready for it," Kristoff said with a sure tone. "You will understand when you meet the one that you just belong with."
Elsa had met the one, she was Anna. That didn't mean she was going to put a ring on her finger. But what did Elsa knew of love, she was broken. So she wiped the horror from her face, and did her best to smile at her brother and congratulate him for his happiness. She just hoped her brother had sense to not to propose Anna surprisingly, in front of her parents, without any warning.
A/N Like I told, I'm going to be really busy and I most likely can't update as often as I have now. I've wrote couple of chapters ahead, so all I need to do is proof read them when I have time and then I can publish them for you. I'm trying to write this story complete as quickly as I can, so I won't lose my motivation to write it. This doesn't mean that I'll update more often, because I'll leave them to scratches that I'll just have to edit out later when I have time, that might actually also slow down my updating a little bit. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update the next chapter, it might take a week, maybe two, maybe a month. Anna's parents in the next one, see y'all there!