The silence on the table was heavy, as if it was made out of concrete. Kristoff coughed awkwardly, after chucking his water a little too fast. He didn't know what he should have expected, when agreeing to the Christmas dinner with Anna's parents, but it hadn't been anything this clunky.
They were in a nice restaurant, having a special dinner in their own booth, and it was horrible. Nothing tasted like how his family made it, and he wanted to be with his sister and baby brother. He wanted to be eating from Elsa's plate all the foods that their family had brought and she had been too polite not to take, even though they weren't complimentary to her diet. He wanted to be playing with his little cousins and sing the Christmas songs and open the presents with his huge family around him.
But instead he was with Anna's parents who seemed to disapprove even the way he used fork. Anna wasn't really helping either, she was just so unusually quiet and meek, making her look more like Elsa than herself. He didn't really like the affect her parents had on her. Whole week, Anna had tried to be like some kind of model daughter. She had been showing them places, introducing them to all the people she had ever met, and taking them to see her school and every place she had been. When she came back at nights, she was bone-tired, barely able to talk to Kristoff.
And yet she felt like she wasn't being good enough. She had been so exhausted, that she had burst into tears when she had explained to Kristoff that she must have done something wrong, as her parents wanted to leave a day early. Kristoff had suggested all kind of options for their early departing, like seeing family and friends they had missed, but Anna was dead-set on the problem being her.
"So, Kristoff, what are your dreams with this life?" Agnarr pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Uh." Kristoff glanced Anna for approve. She nodded her head to encourage him to go on. "I want simple things in life. A stable job, a house with a big yard, surrounded by forest, and of course to take care of my family: wife, couple of kids and my sister."
"Your sister?" Agnarr asked, puzzled. "It's wonderful how tight bond you two have, but you won't be taking care of your sister forever, some day life will separate you, at least in physical sense, that happens to every pair of siblings at some point."
"Not to me and Elsa," Kristoff said firmly.
"Don't you want to get married and have your own family someday? I have hard time to see how will your sister fit in that picture," Agnarr pointed out.
"Elsa and I are a baggage-deal. I want no wife who won't accept my sister as a part of our family," Kristoff answered, getting angry with the judging. He didn't like someone accusing Elsa of third-wheeling.
"I'm all fine with Elsa as a part of the family," Anna piped in. "She's like my sister too. I wouldn't mind to watch her quirky habits for the rest of my life. You know, how she's so serious all the time, but still wakes every morning early enough so she can watch the cartoons, how she hates gardening, because pulling the weeds makes her so upset, and how she doesn't know how to coo with animals, so she whispers to them instead. Kristoff, I love your sister just as much as I love you."
Kristoff's heart melted for the girl. The ring he had started to carry in his pocket was burning to get out of there. Fortunately, before Kristoff could truly embarrass himself, Agnarr decided to ruin the moment. "But how about your sister, don't you think she'll want a family of her own someday? How do you think that commune will work out?"
"Elsa doesn't want her own family, so I'll share mine."
"That's what she says now. But you have to understand, many young women say that at her age. There will be time that she'll want a husband and children of her own," Agnarr insisted.
"Elsa isn't like most women. She's my sister, and I have promised to always be there for her, always! And if it comes to that I have to choose between her and having a new family, I will choose her, I own that much to her," Kristoff told with a spite in his voice and got up from the table. "I've enjoyed the meal, thank you very much, but I think it's time for me to leave now."
"Kristoff, please, wait! Don't go!" Anna shouted after her boyfriend when he stormed out of the restaurant. Then she ran after him.
Anna caught him up when she dashed out of the doors. Kristoff was leaning against the tile wall. His forehead was pressed against the tiles and so was his fists. He was almost shaking with anger. Anna put a hesitant hand on his shoulder.
"I can't stand it, I just can't. People don't understand than Elsa doesn't have anyone else, she needs someone to take care of her. That someone is me, I'm her brother and I have promised to never let anything bad to happen her ever again," Kristoff all but whispered against the wall.
"She didn't have a childhood, people who were supposed to keep her safe, were the ones that hurt her the most. Every day is a battle for her, somedays it is against other people, somedays it is against her own body, and the worst days, it's against herself. I been there, seeing her lay on that bed, unwilling to get up anymore. When those days come, I have to be there for her, ready to carry her burdens so she can go through just one more day. How am I going to be there for her, if I'm somewhere out there, playing a happy family with someone else? I want to have my own life and family, but I can't if the cost is Elsa's life. I won't be like everyone else in her life, I won't break my promise to her."
"Kristoff, I don't expect you to do so. I love you, but I love Elsa too. I want you both to be part of my future, and I wish you both want me to be part of yours. I don't want you to compromise your promises to Elsa to be with me. I want the opposite; I want to take a part in those promises. I want to be there for her too. I want to have a family with you, have children with you, but it all would mean nothing, if Elsa wasn't there with us, too."
Kristoff turned to face Anna fully, before closing her into a bone-crushing hug. "I love you so much," he breathed wetly against Anna's hair.
"I love you too," Anna said, and then she broke the hug. She kept holding his hands and looked straight into his eyes. "Please, come back in with us. Just ignore my parents, they can be a little harsh sometimes, but they mean well. I'll talk about this to them later, let's just enjoy the Christmas dinner now, okay?"
"Okay," Kristoff answered and let Anna lead him back in.
"I think I want to move to my own apartment," Elsa said suddenly while washing dishes from the Christmas dinner with her mother. After forcing the words out of her mouth, she hold her breath while waiting for Bulda's reaction.
"But you have your own apartment?" Bulda frowned with confusion.
"I mean separate from Kristoff. He's starting his own life with Anna, and while I adore them both, I think it's time for me to start finding my own path for life," Elsa confessed. She didn't dare to lift her eyes from the dishes she was washing with shaky hands. Anxiety was making her feel so weak and lightheaded.
"Don't you like living with your brother?" Bulda asked.
"No, I do! I do, too much, and that's the problem. I'm way too comfortable with Kristoff. He's always there for me, fighting my battles. And I let him. It's nice to not to have to do things I'm uncomfortable with, but it's not good for me for a longshot. I'll never learn to stand on my own, if Kristoff's always there, holding my hand. I don't want to be just Kristoff's sister my whole life. Mom, I want to be me. I want to find myself, what I'm capable of and what are my limits. I want to have my brother, and Anna, but as my friends, I don't want to be so dependent on them anymore. I want Kristoff to be able to live his life without being burdened with a responsibility that no man his age should have. And over that all, I don't want to be responsibility to anyone," Elsa explained with a trembling voice, she was getting emotional.
"What does your therapist say about this?"
"Dr. Johaug supports it. She thinks it's not good for me to be so dependent on Kristoff and moving to my own house would be a great start," Elsa explained and scratched her left wrist. The soapy water was really starting to itch on her skin.
After a beat of silence, Elsa was almost paralyzed with fear. She was waiting for her mother to star yelling at her for being so ungrateful little bitch, ask her how she dared to say such a things after everything they all had done to her. It was just like how she berated herself in her own mind. The scolding, however, never came.
Instead, Bulda said: "I'm so happy for you Elsa."
"Wait, what?" Elsa could almost see the black spots appearing to the corners of her eyes, so lightheaded she was from all that.
"We have never been able to help you the way we would have wanted to. We didn't know how to bring out the real you, break your shell. We could offer you the things you should have always had in life, a roof over your head, warm food and new clothes, security, and a loving family. But we couldn't help you erase the pain of your past, to make you shine the way you are meant to. We dragged you to those therapists for years and years, because we hoped they could eventually help you the way you deserve to be helped. I kept paying for your therapy, so you would feel obligated to go, even when I wasn't there to physically force you to go."
"I know that you haven't always exactly enjoyed those visits. I have had enough phone calls from Kristoff arguing for you ending the sessions to be aware of that. But I have never given up hope to have this Elsa in front of me, saying 'I need to do this in order to get better'. I haven't always known, what would make you find your own path, but I have always known, that someday you will know. And today is the day that all the waiting pays off. Elsa, I'm so, so proud of you. I have always been, but this conversation has given a new meaning for that word."
Elsa felt herself to tear up. She swallowed hard and just stared Bulda in the eyes. Then she pursed her lips and crushed Bulda into a hug, a whisper escaping her lips: "Mother."
"This last year has done so much good to you," Bulda spoke softly against Elsa's hair. "Before I could barely touch you. You would always squirm uncomfortably if anyone got too close to you. And I don't think I have ever hear words 'I want' or 'I need' from your mouth, before this year. And now, I even get to see your tears, and for the first time in forever, I think they are happy ones."
Bulda wiped the tears from Elsa's cheeks and Elsa chuckled wetly. "They are." Then she sniffed.
"We are your family, you are always welcome to lean back to us if life gets too heavy for you. We will always be here for you."
"I'm afraid Kristoff will get mad if I say to him that I want to move out. What if he thinks I'm not grateful for everything he has done for me, that I don't love him as much if I live away from him?"
"Are you afraid you wouldn't love him as much?"
"Honestly?" Bulda nodded. "I think I'd love him a little more, if he wasn't constantly breathing down to my neck. I love him, but his fretting can sometimes be a lot," Elsa admitted.
Bulda just laughed at that and pulled Elsa into a side hug. "He really can be a lot. But come on Elsa, let's finish these dishes and join others. We are playing charades—and don't give me that look, missy. You get to pair up with Olaf to give you at least some change in the game."
Elsa felt an impulse to stick out her tongue, but decided that would have been too much. She opted on just hiding her smile by looking down to the dishes. She truly was awful at that game. And damn her if she wasn't ready to pull her hands out of that water and stop the itching. It was driving her crazy, Elsa betted that half of her dizziness was caused by it.
A/N Okay so, as it's gonna take me a month to update the next chapter, I decided to put this up now. I don't think this chapter is worth the wait, but the next one is, so this seemed to be the only sensible outcome. I hope you enjoy the chapter, even though it's out a little early ;) Have a nice day and don't forget to leave a comment!