4. Diary Entries

Shouwa 57 (1982)

Diary Entry No. 1

This is Sonozaki Shion's new diary ... I don't know where to begin, this is so exciting. I feel like I have longed for an inaccessible treasure all of my life and now I'm holding it right here in my hands. Let me take a deep breath.

The Watanagashi is over. That day, I did something outrageous. I'll never forget how it felt. My old life burnt to ashes in that moment. All I had done until then became irrelevant. I shouldn't write this down because somebody could find it, but I really need to. I'll shut this away when it's finished. Sometimes, we have to do evil deeds to prevent even worse things from happening. It's like these philosophical questions. Would you dissect one person alive if you knew you could heal thousands of people by using what you have learnt from that one person's sacrifice? If they need to punish somebody for what happened that day, they can come, lock me up forever or tear my body apart. But my mind will know, until the last moment, that what I did was right in the long run.

Let's talk of what happened after that day. I was afraid Satoshi would still suffer from the horrible last weeks before his aunt disappeared. But as soon as she had gone, his condition went better. However, after talking to him about that time, I get the expression that he would have lasted a few days more, before he would turn insane. How he described what feelings and visions he went through during the days before Watanagashi sounded like an anticipation of hell. He felt he was being watched everywhere, without being able to tell who watched him. He felt an insane urge to scratch himself. He was afraid of all people around him.

When I asked him what he had done that day, when he couldn't go to the Watanagashi, he confessed to me that he was ready to kill her himself. He waited near the pile of old furniture with his baseball bat. He felt if he had really done that, he would have lasted maybe for a few days, but then he would have turned insane forever. When his aunt didn't turn up that day, he was desperate because he thought he had finally come up with a good plan to get rid of her. But in fact, he had thought it was enough to leave the body where he had killed her. I nearly laughed out loud when I heard that, because that's so typical of my beloved Satoshi. Of course there would have been a police investigation and as he didn't ask anybody to cover up for him, they would have caught him in no time. I bet Mion wouldn't have been fast enough to provide him with an alibi.

When Satoshi-kun's aunt didn't appear, he went home and was astonished when he didn't find her there. A tiny hope grew within him. But only when he heard at school next morning, that she allegedly went after her unfaithful husband, the hope became bigger and finally he felt certain that she had gone. Of course, they had to keep up appearances and pretend her aunt und uncle were still taking care of them, because otherwise the child consultation center would have messed with their lives. As long as you're underage, you can't live without a legal guardian.

With the money Satoshi had earned at his part-time job, he bought a huge teddybear for his little sister's birthday. I think he's spoiling her, but when I saw Satoshi getting better, my resentment towards Satoko faded away slowly. In fact she's beginning to recognize herself that she was taking advantage of Satoshi by hiding behind his back when they were bullied.

But I wasn't really happy yet, because I had to make Satoshi realize that I loved him and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. We had met several times, but he had always thought I was Mion. So my sister helped me to arrange a rendezvous in a quiet place in Okinomiya. It was there I told him the whole crazy story with me dressing up as Mion so I might see him. I was afraid he might mistake me for a stalker. But he's so innocent. First he looked puzzled when I explained how Mion and I changed identities all the time. As I went on about it, he started to smile, and then it was so amusing to reveal all our little tricks. I felt like I could see the icy crust on his heart melt away. When we were about to leave, I just had to kiss him. Of course he blushed and could not get out any proper sentence after he had felt my lips on his. But we set another date right away and I was sure he had liked it.

So it started and we've been seeing each other several times since then. First I had assumed Onibaba would be in a rage. But it seems no-one had told her anything, or she was accepting it quietly because there had been no situation that made her lose face. I know this is what she fears the most. Mion told me our grandma doesn't hate me at all, but she wants me to be happy. I can't really believe that, because I cried when she sent me to that damned school, and she didn't have any mercy on me. When I was made Shion and lost my birthright, it was the same. However, maybe it's different now.

The funny thing is, I had thought if I was going to have trouble building a relationship with Satoshi, the trouble would come from Onibaba. But now it seems like Mion is the one who doesn't want us to be a couple. At least she warns me on a regular basis. She thinks Satoshi still isn't psychically stable enough. She thinks I'm asking too much of him. She thinks he hasn't developed as far as I in several aspects. I get sad when I listen to her talking about him that way. It sounds like I'm an adult woman trying to seduce a little boy. But we're the same age. Maybe she's jealous. She has known Satoshi for a long time, longer than I, and he was the only boy of her age. Of course she would fall in love with him. Though she always claims he's not her type. She'd rather have an outgoing boyfriend with a lot of enthusiasm and initiative. Satoshi is the opposite of that. Am I attracted by his helplessness? Do I want a boyfriend who I can control easily? That would be horrible. I know Satoshi is strong. He may be shy, but certainly he would have killed his aunt without hesitation. When he has set his heart on something, I'm sure he sees it through until the end.

I haven't gone all the way with him yet. It seems he's not ready for that. I like the way he acts shyly when I get very near to him. I'm not impatient at all.

I found out he also keeps a diary. I would love to take a look. It would be abominable to do that, if I was just curious about his thoughts. But it's not just curiosity. I want to understand him better than I do now.

I really want to know what's in that diary ...

Diary Entry No. 2

Being together with Shion is an experience I can't compare to anything in my life. When I look at my life so far, there's my mother, various fathers and of course my little sister. Hell started when my mother and her husband died. Anyway, all of those people are relatives. My classmates are there because we're in one class, which isn't anything to be proud of. Since I've been seeing Shion, I'm enjoying the breathtaking feeling that such an outstanding person wants to be together with me of all people. She looks so similar to her twin sister, yet she's so different. Her behavior is so mature. Often I just don't know what to say when she tells me I'm the one guy she wants to spend her life with. Most of all, I think I need more time. I even find it hard to remind myself that she's not Mion. In fact, if they had the strange idea to switch identities, would I notice when Mion kisses me instead of Shion? But I can't imagine Shion would allow that. Tonight she wants to tell me a secret which, as she says, is the most sad and the most happy secret of her whole life. I don't know what to think of that. But to understand Shion better, I'm sure it will be very helpful to learn about that secret.

Diary Entry No. 3

My sister Shion escaped from her boarding school a few months ago. I understand she's thirsty for life after being trapped in this prison of rich daughters. And when this thirst was nearly unbearable, Satoshi came to quench it. I understand Shion wants him so much, and I'm happy for Satoshi that he's found such an energetic girlfriend. But I'm also afraid his paranoia will come back. I remember when he was carrying around a baseball bat. He told Rena and me he couldn't trust anybody. Rena was new, so there was not enough trust between her and Satoshi. I was the one he couldn't trust because I'm Sonozaki Mion, the granddaughter of the woman who is responsible for the denial he was suffering from the whole village. Even Rika belongs to one of the Three Families. Now, as he sees Shion as often as he can, his life seems to be so much better. But what if the fear comes back that filled his mind some weeks ago? I can't just sit aside and watch things take a course which might turn out to be very wrong.

Diary Entry No. 4

What's the matter with Mion? She seems to be such a kind person, and she's so funny and energetic. But she's also a member of the Sonozaki family, and I'm from the Houjou family, the traitors of Hinamizawa. That won't change as long as we live. Mion may not think like that at the moment, but maybe that will change some time. When I was alone in her room a few days ago, I discovered some weapons which frightened me. I know the difference between knives for cutting up vegetables and knives for killing humans. I feel like someone who has seen a poisonous snake creeping toward him. When the snake crept past me without biting me, I started regaining my happiness, which I had lost while the snake had come nearer and nearer. Now it's like I noticed suddenly that the snake might have changed its direction and is creeping toward me. But now it comes from behind so I can't see it. I'm too afraid to turn my head around and take a look. I can't say who that snake is. Maybe it's no-one. Maybe it's more than one snake. I feel someone's watching me again. This time it seems to be for real. The Sonozaki family is watching me. Maybe the next curse will strike earlier than next Watanagashi.

Diary Entry No. 5

Satoshi seems not to feel so well these days. He turns his head to look around him very often when we're sitting in my apartment. I have seen him walking a few steps and then stopping all of a sudden. He looks behind him, and when he sees no-one there, he takes a look again like he doesn't believe no-one's behind him. My love doesn't seem to reach him anymore. Whenever I was holding or caressing him in the last few days, he started to sweat. First I was happy because I thought he was excited and couldn't wait what I was going to do next. But then I recognized he was shivering. He's afraid and he won't open up to me. I feel so useless. All I can do is prepare for every possible event.

I hadn't the courage to tell him that, if he thinks he's being watched, I'm feeling the same. I feel some kind of presence. It's like every time I look away from a window, I feel someone's there, looking at me. There are fire escape stairs on the outside of the building, so I can't rule out that possibility. Has Onibaba really forgiven me? Will Satoshi and I be erased at one single stroke?

Diary Entry No. 6

Mion's presence becomes unbearable to me. She tries to ensure me of her truthfulness, but I keep noticing how she becomes nervous when I'm around her. It feels like she's planning something. She let me into her room again, to play one of her games. I thought I liked them, but when she's close to me, I feel like she's exploring my behaviour. I was also shocked to see the knives and other weapons she keeps in her room. There are more than a few days ago and these are really made for killing people. Maybe she's waiting for an opportunity to attack. I don't want to think that. I feel pathetic and despicable after all she has done for me. I think she even talked to her grandmother so that I can have peace after my aunt ran away. But it might all be a trap. I can't figure out what's true anymore.

The only way might be to confront Mion with her weapons. As long as she keeps them, I won't feel safe around her. She just has to understand that.

Diary Entry No. 7

I did it. I'm so sorry, Satoshi-kun. I looked into your diary. And what I read there, was a severe shock to me. Your last entries contain frightening remarks about Mion. I know she has a collection of weapons. Fortunately, I own some myself, so I'll be able to defend us. Maybe, if I hadn't seen what I saw this evening, I would think you were going paranoid. But when I looked towards the window of my living room, I saw Mion's face clearly on the other side of the window pane. She disappeared instantly, and I was too slow when I climbed down the fire escape stairs. When I arrived down there, I couldn't see her anymore. But I'm sure she was there. I know you're not going to read this, because you're not a dirty person like me who reads other people's diaries. But be assured, when Mion comes, I'll be ready for her.

Diary Entry No. 8

I feel I can delay my action no longer. Satoshi has become too dangerous. I must go and do something. If I tell anyone else, something terrible will happen. I'm the only person who can be of any help in this Situation.

Author's Note: Happy Watanagashi Heisei 30 (2018) to all of you!