i am back, children, but i am Sick

as always, i do not own the selection nor hetalia. these belong to kiera cass and himaruya hidekaz respectively.

My dear brother,

I'm coming home next week. Sister is doing very well, she took one class of mine yesterday, and she seems to be recovering from the rebel attack from last time. Do not worry, she has not been harmed.

I will explain to the prince that I have not been a spy for Clubs, which I am concerned that he might think of me as such. Do not organize a huge homecoming party.

Please give the rest of my living expense to your closest advisor. From what you have told me, I wish to help him with his financial troubles. Does he have a family that he needs to raise?

Natalya swallowed tightly as she wrote the last sentence on her final letter from Spades to her brother. She couldn't betray any sort of connection to him, not while she was still here…

Never mind that, just make sure it is done. I suppose I will assume royal duties if you see fit. I will notify Sister that I am leaving. Thank you very much.

Your sister, Natalya.

She had kept her brother's latest message underneath her pillowcase, not wanting to read his disappointed words. She didn't care if he offered her more things, she was sick and tired of staying in the palace for someone she only thought of as a friend in a palace rapidly growing more lethal.

It only served to remind her of the poisonous atmosphere when she were growing up, her uncle having crowds of concubines around being one of them. Natalya hated these women even as a young child – with their heavy perfumes, seductive appearances and their too wide smiles. She had clung to Katya when one or a group strutted past, some cooing at the royal children while others simply ignored them. Katya had followed their mother for the year before she passed away after their father had been murdered, and Ivan was busy with his lessons as to become the next heir, so even before the concubines came to the castle Natalya would spend days in her room.

Until one fateful day.

She had been walking to the armoury to practice with her worn knives. Her uncle had refused to give her some new ones, saying it was unfit for a woman of her status to own weapons at all, so in all of her icy defiance she had brought her oldest pair and practiced target hitting until her hands got sore and the hay behind the target had all been punched up. Stuffing in the silk gloves she had been given for Christmas into a drawer somewhere in the palace, she had started stalking back to her room until she heard a sound.

It was coming from the chorus hall, a room sparsely used and only for entertainment purposes. Sometimes faceless musicians played their instruments, drawing out sweet music that she could only dream of while her uncle dined and laughed with his concubines and nobles populated the room, but mostly it was empty.

But this was none of the above scenarios, as a young boy who appeared to be no more than a year younger than her was playing the large, cream coloured piano situated to the left of the sprawling room. It wasn't until she got closer that she realized that the rich sound not only came from the instrument but his own voice.

He was singing an old tune from the valleys of Clubs, one that was lighter than the dramatic, thick music of the usual fare she heard. It spoke of light winds and lush grass and first love, beautiful to her mind but jarring to her heart.

It was a reminder of what it couldn't be for her.

"Y-Your Highness!" the boy said, and Natalya pulled herself out of her thoughts. His aquamarine eyes were diligent beneath his spectacles, and he arranged them, scooping up his music sheets with one flourish before bowing. "Forgive me, did you need this room for anything?"

"No," she said shortly. He nodded, but seemed a little perplexed at her silence. What did he expect her to say? She was fifteen, for Fates' sake!

"Princess Natalya, do you require anything of me?" he asked slowly, music clutched tightly in his hand.

"Your name," she said – almost sarcastically, but again was taken by surprise as he knelt down and kissed her hand, seemingly unshaken by his music scattering to the floor.

"Your Highness, my name is Eduard von Bock," he said, getting up and dusting some invisible particle from his dark green pants. Military fare? "And it is a pleasure. I was here for some practice before resuming my service to the crown."

Well. For a boy with speech like that, it was certainly a first to hear that spout from someone who either was aging and wore wigs, or a drunk woman with her clothes disheveled and tottering on her feet.

"What do you mean by service? Aren't you a noble?" she asked tersely.

"Ah, no, I am simply but a country boy at heart. However, I do serve in the royal guard." he smiled, and she was a little surprised to feel how genuine it was. "My grandfather personally taught me to read and write as well. Alas, he is very sick and so are my cousins, so I have travelled to the palace as a general to send money home."

"So that piece you were playing just then…from your grandfather?" she asked, and he nodded eagerly. She wondered again why in the Fates was he not trying to assemble his papers, but instead choosing to focus completely on her.

"That piece? Ah, yes. It was one of the first he ever taught me, it was because it was played at my mother and father's wedding." he said. "Unfortunately, they're overseas at the moment for clerical work but they come home every now and then. I keep my love of the piano in their honour."

"You really are devoted to your family, aren't you?" Natalya asked, the familiar barricade of hostility falling, instead giving way to curiosity.

"They're absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't be where I am, meeting the lovely princess of Clubs as of right now," he said cheekily. He daren't stick out his tongue, from the rigid play dates with the newborn daughter of the Jack and Queen of Spades that little she did know.

But Eduard was something new. Something that made her want to come out of her room, her shell, and she couldn't help but need more. They spent the rest of the afternoon there in the chorus hall talking about the valleys of Eduard's childhood until he was called back down for practice.

And their weekly meetings went from being an hour to a whole weekend long of talking and music and Eduard's rich voice filling the previously empty hall and the hole in Natalya's world. After a year Natalya sought him to be her best friend, to which he said was the best birthday present she could have ever given him. On her birthday, she snuck out to met his family with him - a pair of rosy cheeked musicians who were the parents she had never had, and his grandfather taught her the basics of the piano – but she never had the heart to tell him that she preferred the smooth touch of Eduard's hands over hers than anyone else.

Natalya also conveniently forgot to mention about the grand piano and gold she had gifted them after they had left, but they never even knew that she was the princess of Clubs, anyway…

She no longer clung to her siblings like a lifeline. When she was feeling particularly troubled or her uncle started lecturing her about the lifestyle of a princess, Eduard pressed a brass key into her gloved hands and let her into the barracks of the royal guard, where they once snuck out into the armoury and she picked out her favourite dagger to her heart's content, hearing the thwack as it hit the target and pierced through the hay as he clapped in the distance and asked her to teach him, to which she teasingly replied that she would stab him first.

Their friendship kept on going even as their King grew increasingly fragmented. Queen Elizabeta and Jack Roderich sent their three year old daughter to Diamonds when one day, Natalya's uncle took out his rage on one of his butlers and severely injured the man. As Katya was once violently reduced to tears in her bedroom and Ivan got a beating and was sent to the Clubs facility after he stood up for her, Natalya got more paranoid as the days went on.

It took a week of gentle coaxing from Eduard as she let him hold her as she squeezed her eyes so tightly that she thought they might burst. He held her until she couldn't bear it anymore and began to cry, howling in her throat as he rocked her back and forth and began to sing like they always did, valley songs of birds and greenery and hopeless romantics.

But it wasn't until after Ivan ascended the throne and decided to send her away from the turbulent life of the Clubs court that she realized the true depth of their feelings.

By the Fates, she wished that it hadn't been too late.

"Natalya?" Eduard's voice, now deepened by the ripe age of his new adulthood, approached her as she settled next to him in the piano seat where they usually were. He had stopped after the sixth piece, their favourite as it was the one he had played when they had first met. "What's the matter?"

"You must promise to never tell anyone, understood? Not even your new liege Raivis," she said firmly. Her heart beat a little faster and her legs shook – nervousness was one of the number of emotions that she would only let him see.

"Yes, all right," he said quietly, stacking up his music as he went along. "What's wrong? Please tell me."

"Brother has…King Ivan, now, has decreed me to go to Spades. He…" Natalya swallowed once, not wanting to look at his expression. "He says that I need a fresh start. You must have heard of the young Spadian prince, yes?"

"Prince Alfred? But why would he…" She could hear the cogs in his mind turning. The mocking, the loathing, four years of the strongest relationship she'd ever had-

The piano scores fluttered to the floor, like the first snow on a Diamonds winter.

"Natalya? No, that's not right!" he exclaimed, getting out of his seat and sounding agitated. "He surely must know that this is a bad idea? You are of royalty and shouldn't be forced to choose someone that you love this way!"

"I know, Ed," she said, trying to keep the pain from her voice. "But no matter. The only thing that matters is that you are safe, Eduard. I can't have my brave advisor wander when I'm not here, right?"

"It's not about me," he said passionately, his expression anguished. "It's always been about you. And I can't let you go to this Deciding because it's simply not fair. You mustn't love him!"

"I know! I don't have any choice! Most, if not all, marriages are arranged here in Clubs." Natalya said, trying to fight the defeat in her chest. "Nothing, no one can change that for us! For me!"

Except you. But my brother…what would he say?

"I can change it for you," Eduard pleaded, falling to his knee like he did when they first met. "I'll change everything for you, if I could! Please, don't go."

"What?" she blurted. "Ed, you can't possibly be-!"

"I love you," he said, his voice trembling and his glasses askew. He didn't even have a hideously big diamond ring like those she had seen on her mother's hand. It was just himself that he had to offer, and that was all Natalya wanted.

"Please…I am but a simple valley boy that has had my heart captured. Your Highness, I would resign from my post just to serve you in any way. Let me join you," he begged, clutching her hands.

"I won't let you do that either, Eduard," she said thickly, tilting his glasses back on and fastening the grass to her finger. "You must stay here in Clubs where the world is a steady place. I need you, Ed…I love you."

He let out a choked noise and waited for her to fling her arms around his neck and kiss his hair as he wept. Only now did she realize that the piano they had played on since they were children were aged, the ivory of the keys now yellowed with age as their relationship changed to something irreversible.

She had made him stay away after that. Partially out of fear, to protect him from her brother's wrath, and out of love, how she could not bear to see Eduard call her name before she left. That night she was determined to slip away without him noticing. Not wanting to give him a chance to chase her, she simply left an address.

Months had passed. Natalya had thought he felt betrayed, heartbroken; a thousand things she had not meant to cause him. But if it what was needed to keep him safe, then it had to be like this.

The only envelope she got from his pen was a week before she entered the palace - she had been on edge since Ivan and Katya had both been advising her and she was more than used to discreetly green and blatantly white envelopes sitting in her crude metal mailbox.

She had to leave her house right after she finished her quick shift at the cafe. The postman had quickly scurried away, leaving her alone - probably because of the last time she had snapped at him - as she went to her now stuffed mailbox.

"Bill, bill, bill - wait, what's this?" she muttered, pulling out a plain envelope with the Clubs symbol on it.

Looking to and fro, she swiftly went back to her small cottage, placing the bills on her kitchen counter before opening it.

"If brother sends me one more letter about Spades, I'm storming back to Clubs," she growled, but was a little surprised when two pieces of paper fell out.

Flipping them over, she saw that the envelope was carefully inscribed with her new name. They had arranged a new surname for her in fears that her pale locks and piercing blue eyes would somehow link her back to her roots, and so she had no choice but to comply.

natalya arlovskaya.

Once she saw the deliberate lowercase letters, she knew exactly who it was. It made her grimace to se her fabricated name, but even so, she gripped the papers with a hunger she had not possessed earlier, devouring the words.

my dearest natalya, it read,

it has been months since i have been able to write you. when you did leave in the middle of the night, i was terrified that something dreadful had happened to you. however, I managed to contact your brother and he said that you are all right, but you have things to do as princess. but the main thing is that you are safe.

"What?" she hissed, but she didn't put it down, pacing as she went. This definitely wasn't what she was expecting.

i constantly wonder how you are doing where you are. is the weather as horrendous as clubs'? sometimes i get sidetracked looking at the picture of us on our table and barely manage to stuff it in my desk before your brother pops in and demands my latest piece of paperwork constituting how clubs is run! how exhausting, and i never get enough time to feed the little rabbits that king ivan keeps. you know, the other day i found one that reminded just of you. threatening expression, grumpy and brooding, but after i spent a few weeks with it the little thing warmed up to me pretty fast. she's very cute, and i managed to spare one of my bowties – the one i lent to you for your fifteenth birthday? you yelled at me for not matching your outfit, then you went to straighten it. she's very cute, if not a little protective. reminds me a lot of you.

"What do you mean by cute, you jerk? Like hell I am!" she grumbled at the letter, but gave a half smile, half grimace as she settled into her armchair. It almost transported her back.

i wonder when you're coming back, nat. it's been so long since i saw you in the chorus hall. it's been years since we first met, that younger guard who loved music and the princess of a kingdom. obviously, i remember that you hated that you had to wear a fancy dress and take etiquette lessons and sit properly, but i think you liked the power. you could handle it, huh? i knew you were always destined for great things, my dear. you still can do it, i swear. but hey, look where we are now. you're in spades, hiding out for the benefit of clubs, and i'm ivan's most trusted advisor-maybe sans little rai. i must say i've done well, but..nat, why are you still there? there's no point. ivan's back, we're all safe, and there's no need for another heir. if you like it there, nat, i would come, but…i don't know what you want. i…i miss you.

"Ed," she choked, feeling the lump in her throat more painfully than she had before. "What are you saying?"

it's been years, my dear. i guess it's sort of stupid, but i've been saving up. you know, being an advisor means i have top notch pay, thanks to your brother's kindness and your own. but again, when…if the time comes, i want to support you and our family. maybe it's pride, but i just know i can't depend on the palace to care for us. i want to quit my job full time to spend the rest of my life with you. i bet you're laughing now, nat, but i'm serious. i know that ivan wants you in spades for things even he won't tell me, but if you are truly happy in spades, so be it. i'll go there. anywhere you want. nat…i just wish i could do more for you. crazy, huh?

but if you're happy there, and if that doesn't involve me, go on. i know the deciding process over there is starting soon and you have already been chosen, but it's fine. i just want to see you happy, in the end. guess tino could be a good replacement-of course not!

i'm visualizing you scrunching up your nose and sharpening your knife – perhaps the butter one you leveled at me when we were still foolish children? tino's already married this pretty scary guy called berwald, anyway. it's sort of like he wants to kill me, sometimes, but it's probably just me.

maybe when they ask me to come to their wedding - no, wait, their baby shower, i'll see you again. swear i will. somehow, someday, like you are for me after all, you're the only one for me.

ed

She felt the tears drip down her chin before she could stop them.

"God, I hate you," she cursed, folding it back down and stomping around the living room, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers.

After that, she had tried her absolute best to forget him. But now, with Alfred's surprised expression in front of her eyes, she couldn't think of anything but her old home. But even to someone that she thought of as a friend, an ally, Eduard was only hers, their memories something precious that she would never share.

"Alfred…I wish to go back to Clubs. Back to my family."

"Who's your-"

Natalya picked at the small plate of chocolates that he had laid out for the two of them in his bedroom.

"The Primary Suit. King Ivan and Joker Katya."

character development? but author i can't believe?

mailbox

pastaaddict - fingers crossed they won't muck it up again!

kittymagician - thank you, that means a lot to me! honestly when i first created her as a character, i wasn't sure how she was going to end up, but she turned out to be this haha. not sure if that explains it, but something like that ^^

hearthorse11 - aph fandom may be not as active as before, but i love these two as much as ever. i'm actually relatively new (2 years) in the fandom but they'll probably bury me w/ usuk doujinshi in the end ;)

russia says hello - it's worn off a bit now, thank you for asking! and kiku...yes, something's going to happen with him soon. *runs off to write said thing*

regine - i've missed them too. since the fates are trying to

see how alfred is coming along, it would be a bit unfair to just see arthur haha. natalya willl be revealed these two chapters! and for the other couples you mentioned...they'll be back :)

reviews, favourites and follows are what will keep me writing, so please go ahead and leave them!