hello all you lovely people. i cried two times writing this chapter - the alternate title for this chapter is regret
PSA: can someone calculate real quick how many times i used the word 'gentle/gently' or 'soft/ly'? if you do i'll probably do a drinking game with that
ALSO - YES I HAD TO USE THIS CHAPTER'S NAME, DO NOT JUDGE ME (pls)
as always, i do not own the selection nor hetalia. these belong to kiera cass and himaruya hidekaz respectively. disclaimer for more smooching (i mean it), but no smutty smut you horndogs
"So, then, we'll be having an early breakfast then going to the venue – we'll have to wrap up warmly, but food and stuff will be there after we have a lunch break. Is that all right with everybody?"
"Will there be cameras tomorrow?" Emma questioned, pulling a little tighter on her mint green shawl.
"Yes, since we can't do it in public due to the security threat," Yao said. "But we have briefed your maids on what sort of attire you'll be wearing tomorrow, so please do keep an eye out today."
"Um, Jack Yao, is there going to be a lesson today?" Alfonso asked, his fingers fiddling with the spoon on his soup. "I know it's a little late to be asking at lunch, but I was hoping for a little more drilling."
"It'll have to be at six since I have to configure some paperwork," came the answer. "I hope to see you preparing regardless of whether you're coming."
At least, that was what Arthur had been trying to do for the whole day.
He'd been reading page after page of books in the library, but as the six PM lesson time drew closer and closer, his flicking turned more frantic. His fingers skimmed page after page until he slammed the book shut with a cry.
How did the others manage? The threatening message from the other day still rang in his ears. Don't perform so well that you're a threat, don't underperform so that you're not shunned, don't lose control, don't let Alfred down at any cost-
Arthur looked around desperately, leaving the book on the coffee table. He would come back later to reshelf it, but for now he needed to collect his thoughts.
I have to find Alfred, the fleeting, desperate thought burst in his mind, stopping his frantic pacing and leading his feet to shuffle uncertainly towards the direction of the door.
I…I need him to be here right now.
"Um, I'm here to see his Highness," Arthur said awkwardly, and Alfred's maid nodded once and disappeared into the prince's bedroom, blue and white uniform and all.
Wringing his hands in and out, he paced for a moment before the door flew open again and Alfred, a (hot) mess, burst out, taking the time to turn back and thank his maid before coming up to greet him.
"Arthur," he said breathlessly, pushing back a stray strand of golden hair. "What's shaking?"
"My voice. Um, well, I'm sorry to have bothered you now, when you're planning the Trials for all our sakes, but-" Arthur began hesitantly, but no sooner than that Alfred had grasped his hands and was looking deeply into his eyes.
"Hey. What's wrong?" Alfred asked gently, squeezing his smooth hands.
"…!" A small splash of red appeared against his freckles at the contact. "H-How did you even…?"
"Ya speak all formal and stuff when you're upset but don't want to tell me," Alfred said. "Princess. By now you should know that you'll be okay with me."
"It's…it's not like I have a problem or anything," Arthur stammered, blushing a little more after the stupid pet name, as if he enjoyed them.
"But, um, I was a bit scared after the whole rebel thing." he awkwardly gestured like it would help their conversation anyway.
"Oh. Uh, then, since the sun's setting, can you come into my office for a bit, then we'll do something together?"
"But I thought you were busy. I don't want to waste your time-"
Alfred laughed, entwining their fingers before opening the door.
"Arthur – trust me when I say you're never a waste of my time."
"Wait up here!" Alfred said, pulling out his desk chair with a hurried slam while Arthur slowly sat down and inspected the room.
It was similar to the princess' suite, from what he remembered, but with smaller windows and it was a little larger. The study was a whole room in itself, with a rather large painting of the late King and Queen from what little Arthur could see from the adjourned door.
Alfred had pulled out a small, metallic device that had no other colour save from an embossed spade at the back as he could see. To his fascination, Alfred tapped at the device, and a metallic, slightly scratchy, vaguely female voice emanated from it.
"Good evening, Your Highness," it said, "What would you like to see tonight? The news of the eighteenth of December, the weather or the communications section?"
"Can you show me the weather?" Alfred said brightly, giving Arthur a wink as he beckoned him to come closer. "Arthur, come see!"
Gingerly, Arthur, who was very confused as to why he would ask a piece of metal what the weather was when he could literally come outside and look, left his seat to come to Alfred's side.
"Look, how cool is this!" Alfred exclaimed, his face lighting up with excitement as he waited for the program to continue nattering on. "You just press on the screen and then stuff shows up! An-an' see? There's this thing where you can make it change voice! It can sound like a guy and then someone from Diamonds with those nosey accents – weird, those guys are-"
He almost didn't notice Arthur reaching up for his face until it happened – he was tugged down to his face level, the other boy's hands running over his cheekbones.
"Shush," Arthur teased, sticking out his tongue. "I want to hear this – er, whatever thing speak, so just rest your tongue for a bit, d…dear."
His cheeks instantly turned a rogue shade of scarlet, and he nodded so vigorously that he looked like a poor soul that had been stuck on a runaway horse. Arthur savoured his sweetness for a moment before lightly kissing his forehead and letting go. Alfred wore a dopey, boyish grin, and held his gaze playfully.
"Clear skies," the machine said manically, leading the two of them to jump apart, blushing furiously and looking away from each other. "Forecast for the next three days: tonight, no snow, tomorrow, rain, the day after tomorrow, light snow. Would you like to view the next week or go back to-"
"Uh, sorry about that!" Alfred said hurriedly, pressing a button to make the device shut up. Arthur felt a little tinge of frustration, with that (and of course, leaning up on his tiptoes) he could have easily gotten a kiss. But at least he didn't seem as dismayed as Alfred did.
"Y-yeah, uh, we have clear skies tonight! Thank Fates for the weather," he laughed awkwardly, tilting his glasses up and seeming very self-conscious of himself. "Arthur, heh, did you mention something about needing to get something off your mind?"
"The something is the Trials, and you know very well why, you nutter," Arthur said quietly, wrapping his arms around himself. "Unless you have something that's absolutely mind blowing and…well, special, then I'm not sure what other solutions you have."
"Don't worry. I'm not going to let you down – what I have in mind, though, is going to be so awesome that it's practically out of this world!" Alfred cheered, bringing Arthur's face so close that their noses were touching, and ran his thumbs over Arthur's cheeks, almost in retaliation for the earlier taunt. "And, well…I'm sure I told you this before, but it's something to do with space."
He took the few seconds that Arthur was madly blushing (again) and pulled away, opening the door.
Then he ran.
"You blooming idiot, did you just make a SPACE PUN?"
"Where exactly are you taking me tonight? You said the astronomy tower, but this doesn't seem like it," Arthur said, his tone hushed, holding onto Alfred's arm. "Don't walk so fast, silly!"
"Don't call me silly, I just want you to see this!" Alfred huffed, pushing the door to the astronomy tower wide open as he pulled Arthur in. "The port said the skies were clear remember? Since we have Trials tomorrow, I wanted you to really relax."
"All right, all right…but why are you wearing that atrocious jumper?"
"It's cold today, and you know it – come and see!" Alfred said, seemingly ignoring him but linking their hands together and pulling him into the room.
In that moment, he managed to fight back the urge to pull away Alfred's hand – not like he wanted to hold it or anything – and simply let the other boy lead him around the…well, magical room.
The ceiling was exactly like how he had read about it in the fantasy books as a child –the walls were made of a cork like material as he extended his fingers to carefully brush against them, and the crowning jewel of the room was a telescope as dark as the night sky outside, surrounded by glass that stretched from the carpeted floor to the painted ceiling. The ceiling was painted with a dark royal blue that bled into the curves of the circle that formed the rooftop, speckled with stars that seemed to shine as bright as Alfred's smile.
"Doesn't it look amazing?" Alfred asked, his eyes shining. "I helped design it a little. I used to take astronomy lessons here with my dad, then Yao. It's super nice looking, right?"
Like you, Arthur thought as he nodded. "Alfred…these are like the sorts I used to only read about as a child. This is truly wonderful – and does that telescope actually work? It's so massive!"
"Yup!" Alfred sang, beckoning him closer by bravely hooking an arm around his waist and gently leading him to the large contraption perched on a piece of wood. "You want to come and look at your relatives?"
"My what now?" Arthur laughed, allowing himself to lean into his touch for just a little longer. Alfred was right, this really helped him forget about tomorrow and just savour the time they had together.
"Yeah! Your stars," Alfred said, shifting a hand to grip his own and lead him to the bars of the telescope, but paused right before. "Hey, your hands are pretty cold…are you okay?"
"Well, I suppose it's a little chilly," Arthur said, but no sooner had that come out his mouth Alfred had pulled off that sweater of his and was engulfing Arthur in it. It was a little big for him, all things considered, but his smell and warmth soon sent pleasant tingles down his spine.
"Come on," Alfred said, sounding a little bashful. Fates, should he have done that in the first place? Arthur looked so cute all wrapped up in his oversized sweater, and the blush splashed onto his nose and cheeks, where he could make out faint freckles…
Gah, I'm getting distracted. But he's just so-
"Alfred?" Arthur had a soft smile that Alfred knew would be on the list of his biggest weaknesses if they ever made a hero profile on him. "How do I hold this, exactly?"
"Okay, put your two hands on the bars, like this-" he lifted his soft hands and orientated his fingers for the most comfortable grip, "-and then put your eye to the keyhole like that. That cool?"
Arthur leaned forward, pursuing his mouth cutely as he concentrated, wheeling the telescope around a little robotically before letting out a noise of triumph.
"Alfred? Are those little white spots stars?" his voice was filled with wonder, and he had to jolt himself from his stare before nodding, coming to rest alongside him.
"Yeah, they are. If you're lucky, you'll get to see red and blue ones tonight, since the skies are clear, but they're going to be harder to spot."
"Are there any green stars?"
"Heh, about that," Alfred said sheepishly. "They don't exist. Sometimes some stars might look like they are, but…yeah. I'm sorry about that, but – I did it for a reason."
"Oh?" Arthur asked, his mouth tilting up in the beginnings of a mischievous smile, eyes twinkling brighter than any star. "Then, crown prince, I'd love to hear the reason behind your trickery."
"Don't laugh," Alfred said seriously, scrunching his fingers into fists and releasing them behind his back.
Arthur smiled, his expression a little teasing before nodding. The one hand that had been resting on the bar of the telescope relaxed.
"It's because…well, I never thought of wanting someone in the same way I care for you."
"…" Arthur had completely frozen now, his hand coming to rest with the other against his sides. "What…what are you-"
"I…I knew green stars weren't real, even when I met you," Alfred pressed on. If he couldn't say it now, he probably wouldn't say it for a long time. "They were unobtainable, just a dream. I thought a steady, happy relationship wasn't possible through this process. That like all the old kings I would get bored of the person I chose, then affairs, and everything else would follow afterwards, I guess. But you…you made me hopeful."
"And that's all I needed. At the time, at least." Alfred said softly, blushing a little. "I had a hopeful heart, going through this process – but you know things happened between us – and I lost it. I doubted myself a hell lot more than I've had for a while, which is well, amazing. But then tonight…"
"You were hopeful again," Arthur said tenderly, his gentle fingertips brushing away a strand of his golden hair. "That's all I need with you."
"Arthur, you make me want things I never knew I wanted." he blurted. "When I was just a kid, yanno, I thought my dad ruled the world. And I just wanted the world in my hands, like he did. But I just need you to know that whatever happens – even if it's tomorrow or fifty years from now, I'll still be there for you. You…Arthur, I – I want to be your hero. Above anything."
He didn't want to say those three words; although I love you was trying their level best to yank themselves out of Alfred's tongue and into Arthur's ears. The other boy already had enough problems as it was, and with the extra pressure of his heartfelt confession, however much he wanted to say it, would do more harm than good things.
"What if," Arthur said, looking up from underneath his lashes in a titillating glance that made Alfred's heart beat just that little bit faster, "I told you that you're already my hero?"
"…uh, I…"
"Without you, I would have gone to the lesson like a nervous wreck, and probably frozen time all around Spades, if not Cards itself," Arthur smiled wryly. "If it wasn't for your idiot head dragging me up here, I would have sat in my room doing Fates knows what."
"Then I'm happy," Alfred said, his voice husky as he ran one hand over Arthur's cheek. "Really, I am."
The two of them stayed there for a moment, relishing in each other's touch as the moonlight shone peacefully above them, but after a moment Arthur fixated him with an almost desperate gaze.
"Arthur…?"
"Kiss me. Please." His tone was longing, wanting. "Tell me that all of this is real, that you see me for who I am."
"It's real," Alfred said gently, lowering his mouth to his. "All of this is. Arthur…I see you. Draped in moonlight, a glimmer in your eyes. Standing with me between the roses, laughing at something funny, reaching out for me with a soft gaze as I hold you. Don't you ever think you're invisible, or try to compare yourself to anyone else. In my eyes, you're more than enough for anyone."
"Please," Arthur whispered into his neck.
"Are…are you sure?" Alfred asked, vivid memories of Marianne and the other night flowing into his mind. Arthur nodded slowly, a tiny smile dancing around his lips, ones that he now ached to caress, reaching for Alfred's hands, as if to reassure him.
Arthur wasn't her. This was different, a whole new world, to explore with someone he truly loved.
And that was why Alfred heard him as their mouths joined. Arthur's hands wove into his jacket, deliberately gentle, and the fabric underneath it seemed to thrum with a pleasant heat against Alfred's back. In response, hands threaded themselves through Arthur's blond hair in a kiss that consumed him like a molten fire that roared through his veins.
He was so close to him that he could see Arthur's faint freckles, his pale, porcelain skin that seemed to perfectly reflect the moonlight, his rosy lips parted hopefully for more. Alfred swallowed tightly as more want, more desire, seared into his heart. He'd never even thought that he could ever think of someone like this. But as he allowed his gaze to drift off onto Arthur's eyes for what seemed for the thousandth time, he realized that he didn't even need green stars, after all.
"Arthur-" Alfred began, parting for breath, but Arthur didn't let him continue as he tilted his head and found his mouth again, his glasses making him fumble until Alfred tore them off with a huff before pressing him into the wall, the glass window next to them fogging up instantly. Vibrant blue met burning green, and Alfred paused before tipping his chin up and Arthur's arms fiercely tugging him down to meet him again.
"I want you to be hopeful with me," Arthur said fervently between kisses, gasping a little as Alfred's hands shifted to his slender hips before sloppily engulfing his lips with his blazing mouth, coming dangerously close to consuming him whole. "I don't want to let you down tomorrow, whatever happens."
"Fates, you won't," Alfred said deeply, right above his ear. "Just be yourself. Promise me that, princess. You're everything to me when you're just you. Then I'll be more than hopeful. I'll do my best to stop holding back."
"Promise me that you'll be there," Arthur breathed, caressing Alfred's face, his legs wrapping around him from his lifted position, wiping off some spit from the corner of his mouth. "I don't want to hold back any longer."
Alfred pulled Arthur deeper into his arms, his heartbeat accelerating at how sweetly the other boy kissed him again and again as Alfred's lips met every part of Arthur's exposed skin, and how those fingers fisted in his hair and those legs – for fuck's sake, those legs – carefully tightened around his lower waist in return.
I'm not afraid anymore.
Just because of you.
"I'm sorry if I overstepped your boundaries tonight," Alfred said quietly, fidgeting behind his back, trying to not get distracted by Arthur's adorably confused look by avoiding his gaze. "It got a little out of hand, and-"
"No, it was fine – more than fine," Arthur said, sounding just a little perplexed, lifting his fingertips from his slightly swollen mouth as he spoke. "I was thinking about apologizing before we turned the corner, actually. But I…"
"Sir Arthur? Is it you – oh, my," Anna came out from his door, quickly taking stock of their closeness, causing the two boys to flush as red as ripe tomatoes. "I'm very sorry, I'll come back later-"
"N-no, Miss Anna, I was just, uh, bringing him back," Alfred stumbled. He was very sure his cheeks had just been doused in gasoline and set on fire. "Arthur, if you want to…"
"Anna – I'm sorry, but can I have a few more minutes?" Arthur said, sounding equally embarrassed as he did, to his relief.
"Oh, of course," Anna grinned, with her all knowing mischievous tone. "Your bath will be ready when you're back!"
"Umm…" Arthur stammered as soon as she left the door. Alfred noticed his fingers run across the side of his neck, places where his own mouth had been minutes ago. "Well, how do I put this-"
"I'm listening," Alfred said, subconsciously running his hands through his hair.
"Still am," he said, after another awkward moment had passed.
Arthur burst out laughing, shifting his legs together before taking a breath and speaking.
"All right, darling, what I was trying to say without sounding like some romantic prat was that I enjoyed it. Truly."
"You kinda ruined the romantic pat thing with giving me a pet name," Alfred said playfully, but quickly retracted the statement as he saw Arthur's eyebrows narrow. "I-I liked it, though!"
"It's prat, idiot," he said. "But, well…I noticed you were hesitant at the beginning. So, I suppose I should thank you."
"Hey, there's no need-"
"We – I know what happened with Marianne," Arthur pressed on, avoiding his gaze as he stepped a little closer to him. Alfred's eyes widened in surprise, but he kept on going. "How aggressively she came onto you. I wasn't expecting our little, er, make out session to happen tonight, or any time soon, but perhaps I needed something more than tiny caresses to calm me down tonight. But as soon as it heated up like that, I knew I didn't want to force you into that sort of horrible situation like that again. You shouldn't have pushed yourself for my sake without even thinking of your own, you idiot…"
"Hey, Artie," Alfred said, kneeling down a little to meet his gaze, but not so much that it started to sting his back. "It wasn't like that for you. It…it was mainly because I didn't feel anything for her. Honestly, I was keeping her in the competition just because of the lack of time I had spent with her, so I felt bad."
"You're too kind for your own good, Prince Alfred," Arthur murmured, still frustratingly turning away. "She could have done something horrible to you that night."
"Come on, don't be such an old man. Yao's given me a beating about that-" Alfred tried to joke, but Arthur's gaze had shot up with such terror that it made him snort with barely contained laughter.
"What do you mean by that? Did he actually hurt you? I thought Jack Yao was such a kindly man-"
"No, he is, he is! I meant in words – but it's kinda sweet that you care so much," he winked.
"Of course not, idiot!" Arthur spluttered, embarrassed – but that finally got him to face him again. "Still, thank goodness."
"But, really. You'll be fine tomorrow?" Alfred asked, the conversation taking on a more serious tone.
"I'll manage. I'll prove that I'm worthy – not just to you, but myself."
Alfred paused for a moment, his expression unreadable, before joy spilled onto his face and onto that irresistible beam.
"That's all I need to hear. Goodnight, Arthur," he grinned; letting Arthur bring his hand across his cheek before catching hold of it, letting his grip linger.
"Goodnight, Alfred," Arthur said, looking fondly as Alfred took hold of his other hand and pressed kisses to his two hands, which he held with fervour.
"Sleep…sleep well," Alfred said haltingly, pausing reluctantly before letting go and walking back to his room.
"You, too," Arthur said quietly, watching him until he was out of sight, but never out of mind.
(omake)
"Oh my god, I think I need another shower as well, after all that burning passion," Anna smirked as she closed the door behind him. "Maybe you should have asked him to stay the night?"
"A-Anna!"
did anyone this would be angst after the A/N?
the fact that i can't make them say 'i love you' yet is killing me
replies
pastaaddict - is it a bad thing that i thought of sunshine and rainbows for a minute oops
russia says hello - i mean, at that point she was partly getting desperate, so i suppose desperate times call for desperate measures? and yes, hot mess this chapter i took pretty literally. LMAO
overworldly - they're supposed to be partly a mystery for now? but i was trying to give them more of a closure - they're not a major plotpoint but rather sort of embedded into the world. you'll find out next chapter (hopefully)
hearthorse11 - bro seriously tell me your secret. been crushing on the same person for years haha. thanks - my backstory needs some progress, at least in my opinion
amethystfairy1 - oh my god. you'RE ALIVE (also are your eyes OK? i'm still constantly in awe of people who binge read this 60+ chap...megalodon. it's sort of like when you overeat a buffet and feel like puking. yeah. that's how i would describe it LOL.) welcome back ^^
reviews, favourites and follows are what will keep me writing, so please go ahead and leave them!