Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Percy Jackson and the Olympians. If I did, I might not be on this site.

Born From Fire: A Minor's Problem

Deep beneath the surface of the ocean, far under the sea, hidden from man's current submerging capabilities, was a marvelous palace. The construct that consisted of a beautiful mix of coral, sea stone and abalone shell was where the God of the Seas made his home. From his coral throne and with a subdued smile on his face, Poseidon watched the highest members of his court mingle.

It'd been six months since the Lightning Thief had been ousted and his half-blood had been cleared of all charges. Six months since the last Olympian Council meeting, and now they were coming up on the annual Winter Solstice meeting. The one meeting where Poseidon would have to suffer both his brother's annoying gripes and boasts, though the one saving grace was that they had to suffer his as well. None of them were ever thrilled around this time of the year, Hades especially, considering it interrupted his time with his wife.

Then again, he did ask for it when he kidnapped and tricked her. At least that worked out in his favor after a century or so, Poseidon thought. The tensions between the Big Three were high, especially with the troubling warning Percy Jackson had given. Though Zeus chose to – begrudgingly understandably – ignore it and felt justified when Hermes brought word that Hades confirmed He remained in his hole, Poseidon didn't doubt his son's words. A nagging worry poked at the proverbial back of the King of the Ocean's head, one that he could not ignore without distraction.

That distraction came in the sudden arrival of a six-foot tall blond man clad in a Camp Half-Blood T-shirt that clung to his chest, and loose jeans that fell over waraji sandals. With a head of unkempt golden hair and a neatly trimmed beard that resembled his own, Poseidon deduced who it was almost instantly. That and the blazing fiery eyes were sort of a dead giveaway as to who it was.

"Wow, and I thought Olympus looked amazing in the right light. This is a pretty swanky set up, Uncle Side'n," Naruto said as he looked around his uncle's palace. Several bronze and golden weapons were pointed at the neck of the blond by the guards and he blinked. "Uhh...Is this a bad time?"

A laugh threatened to escape the Sea God's mouth, one that twinkled in his eyes, as he held his hand up to call his guards from their stance.

"Naruto, you really need to announce yourself before you arrive." Poseidon drawled. The young god reached up and scratched the back of his head while he laughed sheepishly.

"I, uh, was in a bit of a hurry," The younger god admitted. "Sorry, Uncle."

"Uncle?!" The green skinned, two-tailed merman rushed over to tower over the blond. "You Olympians! Arrogant and disrespectful as always, you will refer to my father with his proper title."

"...Which one?" Naruto refuted before Poseidon could say anything to quell his heir's fury. The young god folded his arms over his chest and grinned. "There's Earthshaker, which, not gonna lie, is really, really nifty. Unless, that is, you're in California. The Stormbringer sounds like – And to be clear, I mean no offense here – a very stupid name for a fictional sword or one of Apollo's bad spy movies. There's the godly titles, but ...Damn that's a lot to recite every time I want to get his attention. And, while I'm immortal, I really don't want to waste that much time."

"...Are you mocking me, Olympian?" Triton asked, with his upper lip curled back in a sneer. Naruto held his hands up.

"Wha-? No, Triton! I'm merely pointing out that I mean nothing but respect when I call the God of the Seas, Uncle Side'n."

"You will address him as Lord-!"

"Triton, enough." Poseidon ordered as he rose from his throne and made his way over to the blond, taking on his more casual mortal appearance as he did. Poseidon held his arms out and clapped them onto Naruto's shoulders as he smiled at his nephew. "Welcome, Naruto! I do apologize for Triton's behavior and the actions of my guards, but they act as they will."

"Bah, they're just doing their jobs, as protectors and as your son respectively." Naruto waved the apology off. He looked back at his cousin, who continued to tower over him, and grinned. "No hard feelings, Triton?"

"...No. No hard feelings, Olympian." The God of the Navy nodded curtly. He turned and left the two gods to rejoin the slowly resuming festivities. Naruto pouted at his cousin's retreating back.

"I'd say you've got to do something about that stick stuck up his ass, but...it'd be hard to get to with the fish legs, you know?"

Poseidon laughed at the backhanded insult and turned to lead Naruto from the party to the thrones.

"He's dedicated to his duties, I will give him that, and he is fiercely loyal. A trait not often found in his generation. However, given the rift between my brothers and I, especially after last summer, I hope you can understand his distrust for Olympians," Poseidon said as he returned to his throne.

"Like I said, no hard feelings." Naruto shrugged. He turned and smiled at the beautiful woman seated beside Poseidon. "Hi, Auntie Ampy!"

"Nephew." Amphitrite greeted, a small gentle smile on her face. Like his two other aunts, Amphitrite adored Naruto and often showed it by spoiling him whenever Hestia would venture out to visit her sister-in-law. The Nereid had taken to Naruto well before they'd even met, considering his name related to her and her husband's domain. "And what brings you to our kingdom in such a hurry?"

"Wearing the Camp's shirt, too." Poseidon hummed. He arched a brow. "Have you taken Dionysus' offer, then?"

"What offer?" Naruto asked with a small smile on his face as he willed a simple chair into existence while he sat to the side of the Oceans' King and Queen. "He just asked me to hang out with him some more. By proxy, I'm hanging out at camp."

While he nodded, Poseidon silently praised his nephew's politically neutral answer. At a regular meeting, Dionysus had offered to give Naruto an active position amongst the demigods of Olympus, but Zeus quickly snuffed the offer out and reminded Dionysus that such duties were his to 'suffer' as punishment. Clearly, the forcibly sober God of Wine and the diplomatically gifted God of Peace found ways around that.

"And how is the camp?" Amphitrite asked, neutral as the camp now hosted her husband's demigod. She was more forgiving than Hera and Persephone, but the betrayal still hurt.

"The camp is in need of a serious upgrade."

Poseidon was caught off guard by the comment and looked at his nephew's pensive face. Amphitrite merely raised a brow and one of her crab-claw horns clacked.

"How so?" The King of Atlantis asked.

"Hermes' cabin is overflowing with demigods, both his and not. The floors need replacing and the bunks themselves are half a decade from breaking." Naruto muttered. He rubbed his face. "Were it not for the education requirements that 'Ena's enforced in America, I'd think it's safe to say that the cabin would've been rebuilt at least twice by now."

Poseidon quirked a small smirk at the childish nickname Naruto used to refer to his least favored niece. The nickname embarrassed her so much that the Boy of Fire was forbidden to use the term on Olympus and in front of most Olympians. Ares and Poseidon were the only two willing to risk Athena's wrath at allowing the "terribly inappropriate slaughter" of her name.

"So Hermes' Cabin is all that ails the camp? That is rather mild than previous threats," Amphitrite said, snapping her husband from the thoughts of his rival's humiliation. She rolled her eyes when he visibly blinked and refocused. He was too easy to read sometimes.

"I wish that were it, but as a deity of the family and home, I'm aware of just how many demigods are out there right now," Naruto said tiredly. He rubbed his face with his hand. "And that's not counting the Minor Gods' young."

"...Is this the proper place to be speaking of such worries?" Poseidon asked. He glanced around at the few minor gods that resided in his court. Naruto gave his uncle a weak smile.

"Your company is the only place I can freely complain and know I'll be heard, Uncle Side'n," he said. The young god flopped back in his chair and let his head hang over the back as he groaned. "Lord Zeus and Aunt Hera can't be bothered with the woe and worries of a young Minor God like myself, even if it's one of my domains that I feel is threatened. Aunty Demeter's usually with Persephone or off preparing for the harvest, of either a mortal that took her fancy or of the grains in the coming spring. Uncle Hades...Yeah, no. That'd be stupid."

Poseidon and Amphitrite nodded in understanding. Hades' duties, next to Hermes', were arguably the most time consuming of any Olympian's, and to bring something he could do nothing about to his attention would start him on a tirade that likely wouldn't end unless Persephone interrupted him, a calamity occurred, or you died of old age.

"My beloved cousins have their own egos or duties that keep them away, or I'd see to them. Aphrodite's begun to give me weird looks and giggle a lot, so, yeah, I'm keeping well away from that." Naruto shifted in his chair while the King and Queen smiled at him. "And you know how Mom gets whenever we bring a problem to her."

"All advice," Amphitrite said with a smile.

"No action," Poseidon said with a small laugh. "Blessed be her patience and lent ears, though, Nephew. It's a rarity from Gods today."

"I know, I know...still, it's my problem so I have to solve it," Naruto said, sighing. He lifted his head back up and propped it up by his fist. "Only problem is, I can't solve it without bringing it to an Olympian, since the camp is technically yours."

"Technically?" Poseidon asked, lifting a brow.

"The camps are the demigods', first and foremost," Naruto said firmly with his arms crossed. "They're the ones who work their asses-ow!"

"Language." Amphitrite scolded, her trident disappearing as fast as she willed it to her hands.

"Oh, come on! Not you, too!" Naruto groaned. "Isn't there a saving grace for sailor mouths here?"

"Yes, but you're not a sailor." Poseidon pointed out with a wry smile.

"Not funny, Uncle." The younger god muttered. He crossed his arms and sat back. "But anyway, aside from the spacing issues at Camp...there's also..." Naruto shuddered. "Teenage girls."

"And that's a problem?" Amphitrite asked, a brow arched. "Naruto, your preference will not cause us to change our view on you."

"My wha-No! I'm totally straight, I mean, I have nothing against same-sex tastes or well, some of those interesting other types' fans we've got running around our pantheon. Let me clarify," Naruto said as he sat up and turned in his seat to face his aunt and uncle. "I've had to deal with Aphrodite and Apollo's teenage girls for the past month."

"Yes, because those are oh so dangerous to the Boy of Fire." The Queen of the Oceans teased her pouting nephew.

"Auntie Ampy, you're supposed to be on my side here!" he whined, causing the King and Queen of the Seas to laugh. He grabbed his head. "I've done everything I could to get them to stop following me around the camp! I've gone middle-aged, I shaved off my eyebrows, and then I grew out my eyebrows! I wore a freaking forest green unitard! I wore mismatching clothes! I added warts, buck teeth, gaping teeth, missing teeth, piercings – side note, I do not recommend facial piercings because magnets are a thing – and I've even gone Gabe on them!"

"...Oh, Naruto, you didn't." Poseidon grimaced. Taking on that abomination of a mortal's form was something the god didn't even wish on his Father.

Though should something happen and they weren't able to kill the Bastard, then Poseidon now had a good idea of what he wanted to do.

"Oh, I did! And they still kept sidling up to me and-and-and flirting with me!" Naruto groaned into his hands. "I appreciate the attention, but I have way too many mortal memories involving creepy ass pedophiles!"

"Well, these are the children of Apollo and Aphrodite we're talking about," Amphitrite said. A small smile came to her lips. "Perhaps they just know when a good looking god is nearby and believe he is playing hard to get."

"Auntie Ampy!" Naruto complained. "I'm older than their grandfather's grandfather's grandfather! Do you not see a problem with that? Or at least why I, as a former mortal, would have a problem with that?"

"Naruto, you're the only god I know of that hasn't gone looking for someone to spend time with outside of another immortal. Not a demigod, a mortal or even a nymph! At this rate you'll have to either take an oath like your mother has or a wife will be picked for you." Amphitrite informed her now groaning nephew. She gained a smile. "However, if you wish to do the latter, I'm sure some of my sisters will be willing."

"With that option on the table, if you manage to choose the former, I will question the legitimacy of your claim to heterosexuality," Poseidon said in jest.

Naruto pouted at them. "Glad to see you find my problems so amusing, Uncle."

"There is a third option," Poseidon said. He smiled slightly when his nephew's attention turned fully towards him. "You could tell Eros or Aphrodite about your troubled love life. Better yet, you could ask your mother for advice on what you should do."

"Yeah, no." Naruto deadpanned. "I like being able to leave my bedroom, let alone Olympus, whenever I want, thanks."

The God of the Seas' laughter shook the room.

Naruto recounted his discussion with his aunt and uncle to Dionysus and Chiron the next day during the mid-morning card game.

"Well, I can't say I don't see where Poseidon and Amphitrite are coming from," Dionysus said as he drew a card from the deck. "While I understand your unease with fathoming a coupling with any of these mongrels running around, I daresay, Cousin, that you are the epitome of a Black Sheep. You've not many claims to fame, and the few who you did teach are so famous that even we Olympians forget the part you played in their lives. At this rate, you're likely to end up in the same boat as Helios and Selene if you're not careful."

"Mr. D!" Chiron sent a look of grave disapproval to the heavyset god. Dionysus discarded and gave the centaur a disinterested stare.

"I'm merely warning him, Chiron, there's no need to shout."

Naruto shook his head at his cousin's backhanded warning and gave the trainer of heroes a grateful smile. He understood Dionysus' attitude and demeanor, had suffered alongside Olympus whenever Dionysus had gone sober for too long and lacked the company of his wife, Ariadne.

Hm, surprised he hasn't invoked a visitor's day to bring her here and introduce her to the twins, Naruto thought as he took his card. Ariadne was like Amphitrite when it came to their husbands' half-bloods, treating them with indifference and/or pleasant politeness. It was why Ariadne was one of his favorite cousins.

That, and she made the greatest hangover cure that she refused to share with the rest of the Gods.

"If I may, Lord Naruto?" Chiron interjected with a questioning glance.

"Chiron, c'mon, just Naruto." Naruto grinned at the centaur. "You more than anyone has more right to refer to us without titles."

"Don't give him any ideas," Dionysus said dryly before he took a sip of his diet coke.

"While I thank you for the offer, Lord Naruto, I think I shall continue to play it safe as it were," Chiron said, a wry smile on his face that made the Boy of Fire laugh. He waited until Naruto discarded and then spoke as he took his turn. "I do believe your past life has a large influence on this decision, so why not seek out others who've also been mortal turned gods for advice?"

"I considered that, but then I remembered that most of these mortals were men from Ancient Greece or Ancient Rome, depending on what they're doing at the time," Naruto said.

"Does that matter?" Dionysus asked.

"You'll be shocked to learn this, Dionysus, but mortal women are just as keen as being cheated on as Goddesses are," Naruto deadpanned.

"No, really?" Dionysus drawled as he leaned forward on his arm to give his younger cousin a leveled glare. "I must've missed that while I was drunk off my gourd."

"I didn't mean any offense, Dionysus. You know that." Naruto frowned at his temperamental cousin. "The men of Ancient Greece and of Ancient Rome were not the most faithful in body, to say the least. In my first go, my home had made heavy laws against such acts, so you could say I'm culturally programmed to stay monogamous."

"...I give you three years before you start to Fade. Four tops."

"Mr. D!" Chiron slammed his cards down and glared at the god while Naruto let out a small laugh.

"Oh come now, I was joking!" Dionysus tossed his cards down and snapped his fingers. The cards became enchanted and began to shuffle, allowing the god to give his full attention to Naruto. "Cousin, you know I jest crudely."

"I know," Naruto said with a nod and a small smile. He looked at Chiron. "Really, Chiron, thank you for your defense, but Dionysus and I bare no ill will toward each other. Save for his marriage to Ariadne."

"Interested in another's wife! There's hope for you yet, Naruto," Dionysus said with a small smirk. His eyes flashed dangerously. "Be warned, I've been called protective of her."

"Alas, even if that weren't true, I know her heart belongs only to you. The poor thing," Naruto said with a hand draped across his head. Dionysus groaned in annoyance as the cards began to deal out.

"You've been spending time with Apollo again, haven't you? How can you tolerate it?" The god of wine asked. Naruto shrugged and smiled.

"We click."

"Really, then perhaps you and he-?" Chiron began.

"I am not interested in Apollo or any other male in that way. ...Although admittedly, Apollo does make for a very hot chick when he decides to play that role," Naruto said with a tilted head. He then shook those thoughts away. "However, I know his true form and that is something I will never be able to open myself to. Blame childhood scars."

"I don't recall anything occurring between you and Apollo," Dionysus said thoughtfully.

"Wrong childhood." Naruto deadpanned. Dionysus' eyebrow arched up and Chiron leaned forward. Naruto looked between the two with a stony face. "...You guys are starved for gossip, I swear."

"With so little time able to be spent on Olympus, I've not much I can do but listen to these brats' complaints or honor another annual death with a small feast of mourning." Dionysus pointed out.

"If you tried really hard, I'm sure one of these 'brats', aside from your own, will grow on you," Naruto said pointedly. Dionysus scoffed and drew a card before he sipped from his can. Naruto shook his head and laid his hand onto the table, faces up. "A fun game, but I win again, Dionysus."

"What?" Dionysus looked at the cards and then scowled. He turned to Chiron with annoyance written on his face. "You were supposed to beat him this time."

"I believe that Eirene is not the only one who blesses Lord Naruto behind his back," Chiron said with a sly smile to the blond immortal, who groaned at the implications.

"Chiron, you're as bad as Horkos," Naruto sighed. "He's suggested something similar more than once whenever we hang out. Though that's been rare, I think he's having difficulties at New Ro-"

"Lord Naruto, please!" Chiron interjected.

"Ah, right. I forgot about that." Naruto grimaced. The decree to separate the camps and keep them ignorant of each other was not one he agreed with, but it hadn't turned into a problem. Yet. The thought of ignorance between the camps made a great unease fill in the young god's stomach. To forgo musing his distaste for the decision, the blond stood up and stretched, his arms rising above his head. "This has been fun, Dionysus, but I think it's time I went over to the Forges to keep Hephaestus' kids to their schedule."

"Oh, very well. It's time for my nap anyway," Dionysus said with a sigh. He sent a smirk to his cousin's back as he departed from the Big House. "Oh, and Naruto, do try to keep from breaking any more hearts! Aphrodite might try to claim you for herself if you keep it up!"

The God of Wine laughed when his cousin tripped mid-step and fell to the floor.

"Mahatama turned to me, annoyance written on his face, and asked, 'Well, oh wise one, I got her to say yes. Now what do I do?' So I looked him dead in the eye, put a hand on his shoulder and said, 'That, my friend, is something that you'll have to figure out on your own.' He punched me in the face and stormed off grumbling!" Naruto said to the satyrs that gathered where he sat in the pavilion. He was in the midst of telling them about the time that his student asked the woman who'd one day be his wife for a night out. The nature spirits let out bleats of laughter while Naruto chuckled and took another sip of the soda he'd been offered. "Ah, may he be peaceful forever more in his death."

"E-Excuse me, Lord Naruto?" A gentle, withdrawn voice drew Naruto's attention from his gathered companions. Naruto gave a small smile to the young demigoddess that approached him. The recently claimed Miranda Gardiner stared up at him with dark forest colored eyes. "Can I ask you something?"

"Miranda, I was here to witness Aunt Demeter claim you. We're family. You don't have to call me 'Lord', little cousin." Naruto chuckled as he gently ruffled the ten-year-old's hair. The displeased pout on her face reflected the one his aunt often gave him whenever she suggested he stop eating so much ramen and he refused. Naruto dismissed the satyrs and turned to give the girl his full attention...well as much to appear that he gave his full attention. No mortal could handle the intensity of a god's full attention; it put too much strain on their minds. Even Aeolus had difficulties with it sometimes.

"Now what did you need?" He asked with a small smile.

Miranda looked up at him and then shyly looked away. She fiddled with her hands and asked under her breath five words that a lesser god would've smote her for. However, though Naruto wasn't a lesser god, he was still taken off guard by the question.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

Had he been mortal, Naruto would've choked on his tongue right there. So taken aback by the inquiry to his love life – he, a god, asked by a ten-year-old mortal girl if he was dating! Apollo was going to have a field day with this for sure if he ever found out about it. Flustered and faltering with his words, Naruto's silver tongue – honed and trained by the master that was Hermes – promptly turned to lead as two wide green eyes stared up into his (chosen) ocean blues.

"I...uh...Miranda, w-why would you ask me that?" Here Naruto was almost afraid of the answer. If she was asking out of curiosity alone, then he would've looked even more foolish than he already did. He could live with that, if only suffering at the jabs from his cousins from then on about his single status. If she was asking for herself, then he'd be in that awkward predicament of turning the young girl down, and it was an unwritten rule that you did not upset a daughter of Demeter.

Grain-Zilla was very protective of her babies.

"Because everyone keeps saying you're in love with someone!" The exasperation in the demigoddess' tone threw Naruto for another loop. "Gertrude thinks you're 'woefully heartbroken' over Athena's oath, Danielle thinks you're hung up on Aphrodite like everyone else, Bridgette says that she's wrong and you're longing for Artemis, but Janie thinks that you're waiting for the right demigod to come along because you're soul-crossed lover hasn't been born yet since you're the youngest god in existence! Ronnie said it was something 'gross' and told me to ask you if you like my mom? Are you going to date my mom? Does that mean I'll be your daughter and your cousin? Is that even legal?!"

...Nope. Naruto stood up and walked away. Well, walked was being generous. He may have appeared to have walked, but he was gone long before the young mortal's mind could process his absence. Nope. Whole lotto nope. So much nope, they can't even fathom how much nope will be there for the next generation's nope. That's just nope. Nope. Nope, nope-ity, nope.

The demigods, and Dionysus, would be sad to hear the next day that Naruto would be departing from Camp until summer came so that he could properly train his apprentice.

Though, that declaration started a whole new mess of rumors.

"Stop laughing, it isn't funny!" His hair ablaze and his cheeks filled with ichor, Naruto glared daggers at his so-called 'best friend'. Despite his order, Horkos continued to laugh, doubled over at the gut with his arms around his sides. The only saving grace for Naruto was that the zoo they decided to meet at was filled to the brim with mortals who could care less about one immortal's problems.

Initially, Naruto approached his friend in his Roman guise. Orcus was a stern, rule-abiding bastard, and had not liked to interact with Naruto initially because he was fully Greek and lacked a Roman persona as of yet. To Naruto, it would be like talking to Sasuke again. In his experience, a cold, mostly-detached man that cared little about his personal problems made for an excellent ear to talk off.

Too bad for him that the Minor Gods' personalities were only so much different that it was easy for them to switch back to a Greek form. Something that Orcus did as soon as Naruto finished his tale.

"She–She actually asked you–Wow!" Horkos, in the guise of a handsome dark-skinned man that could've been mistaken for an attorney based on the suit he wore, righted himself and wiped a tear from his eye. "That-That is honestly the greatest thing I've ever heard in the last thousand years!"

"Argh! Why are we friends?!" Naruto groaned. The member of the House of Hades let out another chuckle and the Minor Olympian God glowered at him. "You done?"

"Yeah," Horkos said, a smile on his face as he straightened his tie. "Yeah, I'm done."

"Good."

"...She really asked-?"

"And I thought that you would be able to help me? What the hell is wrong with me?" Naruto began to walk away, nearly at his breaking point. He ran his hands through his hair to snuff out the flames that threatened to spread, and then stuffed his hands into his black windbreaker's pockets.

"Naruto, wait! I'm sorry. You have to understand, though," Horkos said as he caught up to the blond. He put a hand on the younger god's shoulder. "You're a black sheep-"

"Yeah, yeah, Dionysus said the same thing." Naruto grumbled. His grumpy demeanor dropped as he walked by the lion exhibit. The sight of children and parents gathered around Rhea's symbolic animal always brought a smile to the God of the Hearth's face. He thought they were cool, too.

"You have to do something," Horkos continued. He let his hand drop and smiled at the awed whispers of children while watching the small pride laze about. "Look at those creatures, each of them knows they have to procreate. And I'm not talking about the lions."

"Dude." Naruto deadpanned.

"They do, Naruto. All of life, all, immortal or not, has a need to procreate, to ensure they are remembered, by genetics, essence or legend. You are not exempt from this, especially given your...unique history."

Naruto shifted where he stood. His first life was a touchy subject, something the Olympians felt uncomfortable addressing – even Ares, who took whatever potshots he could whenever he could just to start a fight, didn't go near the topic like there was a nuclear minefield around it! They were curious, of that there was no doubt, but since his time existed before their rise, they were not the gods of his era. It was a heavy blow to their egos, not one they'd accepted as of yet.

"Then what do you suggest?" Naruto's query had more bite to it than he would want to admit.

"Go get laid."

"Oh, how very Greek!"

"I'm not saying you need to have a child-!"

"A God has sex – boom, child! Without fail! There are no miscarriages! If I'm going to have a kid, I'm going to raise that kid!"

"Noble, but-"

"There is no but! There is no excuse! I will not do to a child what was done to me!" Naruto snapped. The zoo quieted and people stopped moving, frozen in time. Horkos stared, wide eyed and gob smacked, at the fire that was his friend's body.

"So you're just going to defy Ancient Law? Go against everything-?" The fiery being stepped towards Horkos and a burning finger pressed into his suit, eradicating the fabric at a touch.

"The Ancient Laws exist as an excuse! The ways of Ancient Greece are gone! Children are the future, Horkos, not us! We are archaic! You are examples! You are stories and legends!"

"Stop speaking so highly, Naruto! The Fates made you one of us-!"

"Maybe they shouldn't have!"

The Upper Air went still as the words echoed through the cosmos. Horkos' mouth moved, but no sound came. Naruto continued to burn, his fire turning brighter, the light going whiter.

"My people believed in Fate, some that it bound us to duty, and others that it was our duty to be bound to it. I didn't. If I was destined to suffer, to go through the childhood I had – hated, feared, and ignored – then my work after was for nothing! I am not a tool of the Three Sisters, Horkos! I am not their child!"

"Your mother-!"

"This is not about her!" Naruto roared, the ground melting beneath his feet.

"Hestia chose to be barren! She chose a life without children! Yet, she raised you all the same! A babe that came to her from her fire!" Horkos shouted back. "One who came from a time before civil-!"

"Say it!" Naruto cut in. His eyes burned. "Say it, Horkos! Say what I am! A beast! A barbarian! A foreigner! Those words are compliments to the things I heard growing up!"

"You are no longer that mortal, Naruto-!" Horkos' head snapped to the side and he fell to a knee. His eyes were wide as his cheek stung and ichor spat out of his mouth.

"I will always be that mortal," Naruto said, his knuckles white and sore. He let his hand fall to his side and his head dipped down. "You won't understand. None of you will ever understand."

"You..." Horkos gasped at a flare of pain and his hand went to his face. "You struck me..."

"I did." Naruto turned and began to walk away. "Let them know, Horkos, let them know that The God of Peace threw the first punch, but the line was crossed a long time ago."

Horkos decided that maybe his friend's problem was a bit more than having a repressed sexual appetite. He would let this altercation slide, just once, and wait for Naruto's apology before he sought his friend out again.

First, though, a trip to Asclepius' office for some help...and some advice.

"You punched Horkos?"

The question was asked with a blatant incredulous tone. The query came from a scarred, yet handsome biker, who sat at a small table within a Starbucks with three other men. Two blazing eyes stared from behind black wraparound sunglasses at the youngest that accompanied him.

"Order and Chaos, yes! How many times do I have to repeat myself?" Naruto asked, scowling at his older cousin.

"You punched Horkos?"

"Believe it or not, Ares, I can punch people. Hell, I can kill people. I just don't like to," Naruto said, scowling. The God of War continued to stare at him, dumbstruck, and the silence – save for the surrounding conversations and music playing in the background – was starting to grate on the younger god's nerves.

"Wow," was all Ares said as he sat back in his seat, deep in thought.

"'Wow'? Our little cousin might have just kicked off World War Three and all you can say is 'wow'?" Hermes asked incredulously from his seat. He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. "I'd have expected more from you."

"I'm admittedly a little disappointed, myself," Apollo said. He glanced at the other blond god. "Why did you punch him?"

"I had to kill a fly that landed on him – why do you think, Apollo?" Naruto asked. He crossed his arms and glared at the table. "He was pissing me off."

"You get mad, too?!"

"Ares, seriously, I'm starting to worry now," Hermes said, frowning. He turned his attention to his younger cousin. "Was he really pissing you off, or was it the situation?"

"Wait, there was a situation? What situation?" Apollo asked.

"Oh, right, you were flirting up the cashier during the story. Wait, how do you not know what's going on?" Hermes asked. He looked outside and frowned. "Nope, no flying pigs. At least not yet, so that can't be why you missed it."

"Smartass. Ares?" Apollo asked, hoping for a clear answer.

"The spitfire here has been getting hit on by mortals and doesn't know how to fuck 'em, went to ask his jerkoff buddy for advice, got reminded of the 'no kids' law, and punched the jerkoff's lights out," Ares said. The other three stared at him and he shrugged. "What? Those were spitfire's words exactly."

"I'm sure they are. And without the Ares filter?" Apollo asked, looking at Naruto. The whiskered blond began to re-explain his problems with the demigoddesses and issues with having a demigod yet not being able to raise them, only getting halfway through before the God of the Sun interrupted again, this time more alarmed. "Wait, you still haven't gotten laid yet?! Dude! I only have a little over two years before that time is up! We have got to get you laid, now!"

"Time?" Hermes asked, but Apollo hopped out of the booth and began to get his flirt on with the nearest group of girls. Naruto let his head drop to the table with a thunk, groaning while his two other cousins eyed him.

"The Twins made a bet last year. After you got off without so much as a slap on the wrist for the Master Bolt theft," Naruto said to the smirking God of War.

"I dunno, losing to Percy Jackson, a demigod with only a week's worth of training, seems like a pretty good punishment," Hermes said. He smirked. "Especially after he used that attack."

"You all swore on the Styx not to mention that bullshit attack!" Ares snarled, the cup of coffee in his hand crushed into oblivion.

"I didn't," Naruto said, grinning. "You forgot to order my compliance."

"That's because he's afraid what the 'Seaspawn's master's Thousand Years of Death is like," Hermes said. He snapped his fingers. "Oh, that's right! He already knows!"

"Stupid fucking misnamed attack – How was I supposed to know the punk would stick his sword in my ass?! Who even does that?!" Ares demanded, brooding over his humiliating defeat. Getting a small nick in his skin would be more bearable!

"If it makes you feel any better, Percy still scrubs Riptide every day," Naruto said. He smiled. "He's afraid you left a stain."

"Oh, I'll leave more than a stain on that little shit," Ares grumbled. He would throttle that brat's neck when he least expected it.

"Ares' embarrassment aside, what did our beloved Twins bet consist of exactly?" Hermes asked. He wanted to know if he could get in on the action. He was the God of Tricksters and Thieves, and gambling fell under those domains.

"For some reason, they were betting on my night life." Naruto admitted. Ares looked up from his brooding and Hermes blinked owlishly. The God of the Hearth nodded. "I know, right? From what I remember, Artemis was using me to insult Apollo, he didn't take it too well, and shockingly they argued over what was better: Being a 'prude' or a 'man-whore', I'll let you guess who got what role."

"So the Hunt-Cunt and the Sunspot bet on your sex life?" Ares asked. Naruto scowled at the god on Apollo's behalf. He actually thought Artemis' role was a necessary one and appreciated what she did for Nature. Could do without her Hunters' poor manners, though.

"Artemis bet that I would still be a Virgin God by the end of my first millennium, and Apollo bet I would not. If Artemis won, Apollo had to back off of his womanizing," Naruto said. The two gods nodded, it the standard reward for Artemis' victory in the Twins' gambles.

"And if Apollo won?" Hermes asked. Naruto shifted uncomfortably in his seat and mumbled something under his breath. "What was that?"

"She'd have axe mountain debt."

"Speak up, hotshot!" Ares growled. "Or I'll give you one of those stupid Thousand Years of Death!"

"Fine!" Naruto snapped. He crossed his arms and looked away. "She would have to ask me out on a date."

"...You're shitting me."

"He's not," Hermes said in awe.

"Holy fuck." Ares stared and then grinned. He knew someone who would kill to get this information. He stood abruptly and walked to the door. "I'll catch you later. I got things to do."

"Ares! You better not tell Aphrodite!" Naruto shouted after his leaving cousin. He groaned when the god let out a cruel laugh. "Oh, that so doesn't bode well."

"Well, look at the bright side," Hermes said. "You'll make an adorable Jackelope."

"Don't you have packages to deliver?" Naruto asked, snidely.

"Oh, no, little cousin. I have today off." Hermes laughed at the forlorn look on his cousin's face. "Now, what flavor of pellets do you prefer?"

Apollo ran back over to the table.

"Naruto! Great news! I might have just gotten an invite to an orgy, and they'll let me have a plus one!"

Naruto dropped his face into his hands while Hermes fell out of his seat laughing.

AN: To be continued! Mwahahaha!

Oh yes, I'm working on sequels to these...and the Demeter one...But believe it or not, that one is the hardest to work with! Goddammit, Demeter! You are so difficult!

Anyway, you know what I want ya ta do!

REVIEW!