oh um yesterday was my birthday woo
throws confetti
as always, i do not own the selection nor hetalia. these belong to kiera cass and himaruya hidekaz respectively.
"Matthew." The advisor in the middle of the group said, turning to face him, their purple badge gleaming in the light. "Tell us first."
"What should I tell you?" Matthew said dully, blinking twice. He hadn't seen Gilbert since the trial – of some sort, if you could call a biased, unfair procession a trial – had started, and he had been ushered to a small interrogation box completely alone.
He couldn't even catch Carlos' eye…
"Of course, what else are we here for today?" the advisor said, to sounds from laughs to murmurs all around the room. "Your forbidden affair with the Joker Gilbert, of course. You are a more reliable witness, so we see fit to interrogate you first and foremost."
Matthew clamped down on his tongue, carefully preventing himself to speak out of fury before he nodded once. "…I see."
"Well, let's get the ball rolling!" they exclaimed, pulling out a small sheet of notes. "We've compiled what we think's been going on in this relationship, judging from the latest record of such a traitorous relationship. First – your meeting?"
Latest record? You mean one that was almost a hundred years old and involved children. While it wasn't forbidden. Matthew nodded slowly, determined to give them the most bare bone of details. "Do you mean to ask me when it happened?"
"Of course, of course, yes," they said, nodding almost impatiently. "Go on."
I'll give you as little as I want to, Matthew thought coldly as he began to reminiscence the first time he had felt his initial attraction of Gilbert simmer in his blood. I…It's been a while since I remember the scene…
The scene is set on the evening of Alfred and Matthew's sixteenth birthday – Alfred downstairs entertaining the guests while Matthew has chosen to momentarily keep away and spend time with himself.
Not for long, though…
"Why didn't the Fates give us more time with you, Mother, Father?" A slightly younger and newly anointed Ace of Spades Matthew leaned outside of the balcony near the west wing corridor, watching the night sky on the night of his joint birthday and coronation.
The King and Queen of Spades had perished only two months ago. The other three kingdoms – Hearts, Diamonds and Clubs allowed them a month of mourning before either Matthew or Alfred had to step up to the role of being a royal. Alfred, even when they were only kids, had secretly confessed to Matthew that he had wanted a Deciding from the moment he had heard of such a thing.
So naturally, Matthew had come to the office halfway through the month and asked him if he could be crowned as Ace, taking up the second required slot so that Alfred could wait until he was eighteen or nineteen, depending on the economical situation of Spades at the time, to have a Deciding.
Yao had thanked him and so had the rest of the kingdoms for making such a bold decision so quickly, but Matthew had felt numb when he was accepting the praise. There had been rulers younger than him, but sixteen was still relatively fast for a monarch to succeed a role.
Fortunately, Alfred still had time to find a queen, someone he could love through the Deciding. Matthew didn't have any stress at all to marry any time soon, even though there was the eventuality that he would marry within the social circles of nobility. He knew his parents would be proud, but sometimes it was quiet without his father's hearty laugh and his mother's jokes about her hair colour – a hazel brown, different to all three of theirs.
"Oh, that's where you went," a voice came from behind him, and Matthew whipped around – to see the Queen of Hearts Gilbert right behind him, a smile hanging off his lips. "Your brother was asking around the chocolate fountains."
"Y-Your Majesty," Matthew stammered, bowing quickly to the queen. "I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone would see me here…"
"Pfft, I'd like to think that I'm better than the nobles who sometimes forget you're in the room because of your brother being the prince," Queen Gilbert laughed, tucking his hands in his pockets. "Sorry, I know we've been acquainted with each other for a while but I didn't get to pop in and give you a Happy Birthday. Don't tell old Francis, yah?"
"…There's no issue about that, I really do appreciate it," Matthew said, pausing for a moment to remember what connection Gilbert and his old mentor Francis had had before suddenly remembering their close friendship. "And I don't think…I don't think my old mentor would necessarily take my word over his oldest and best friend."
In most tales that had spread around Cards, there was a pair – even a trio in most stories – that had arisen about the Queen and King of Hearts and Diamonds, Gilbert and Francis – having a very close friendship after meeting during a very tense political climate between their waging countries. Some stories extended this to a general serving in the Hearts, Antonio, but almost all stories focused on the fact that a war had been waged during a Deciding process, something that was borne out of desperation as Diamonds had gone hungry after a bitter winter.
Hearts at the time was holding a Deciding at the behest of their Queen as she wanted a father – or prince consort – for her newly borne infant Ludwig and his older brother Gilbert as their father had succumbed to pneumonia earlier that winter. Diamonds perceived this as the country flaunting their wealth, but soon came to regret waging war as Clubs and Spades, in a rare moment of unity, condemned the action and blockaded Diamonds. In the midst of this, the Ace of Diamonds, caring for the two year old heir Prince Francis, fled to Hearts, asking for protection.
Since Hearts at the time were flourishing but still the newest country and therefore without an advantage of a long standing ally, grudgingly agreed on the terms that they would not help fund the rebuilding of the Diamonds after the war had concluded. Gilbert and Francis, the heir to the Diamonds throne, were raised in close proximity and became friends above all current grudges held by the people of their opposing countries.
Of course, eventually Prince Francis went back to Diamonds the autumn of Ludwig's fifth birthday, but the stories have never stopped detailing how the pair (or trio) met up with each other at any opportunity Cards gave them, bolstering the concept of bonds between kingdoms.
"Well, if you count Antonio," Gilbert said. "It sucks that they leave him out because he's not a royal. But yeah, they're both my best friends. And he still thinks of you as his cute little liege."
"Fates, that's absolutely embarrassing," Matthew winced, but smiled all the same. "All the same though, I'm relieved the three of you have retained your friendship. But why seek me out specifically?"
"Hmm? Oh. Because I know what it's like to be lonely sometimes," Gilbert said, looking out in front to the lavish Spades gardens that had not gone without some wear after the month of mourning. "Overshadowed by your siblings, forgotten by everyone else. I wasn't made king for a reason, you know. The moment Ludwig was born they said he was a better child. Stronger. More formidable. Not a scrawny runt like I was."
"Oh. I'm…I apologise," Matthew said, turning his gaze over to face Gilbert. Come to think of it, he wasn't as muscular as his brother Prince Ludwig was, and looked more slender than built. "But…hey, not everyone's just looking for strength."
Gilbert grinned, facing him at the same time. "Christ, kid, that makes me feel a lot better about myself. It's not about the beefcake, it's about what it would taste like, huh? Sausages, maybe."
"I wouldn't have imagined the Queen of Hearts to speak like this at all," Matthew admitted, snorting at the comment. "Me, I'm a more sweet tooth of a person, admittedly. Pancakes and maple syrup."
"I wouldn't have expected the ultra responsible Ace of Spades to be telling me all about his food preferences," Gilbert teased back, but nodded. "Hey, me too. Pancakes are the best, honestly. With a hint of salt from the butter, creamy, thick…Fates, yes."
"You did worry me there for a second." Matthew said, laughing a little. "The first time I told Princess Lili that I preferred pancakes, she looked absolutely mortified. I asked her about what was wrong, and she admitted to me she liked waffles instead. I think Francis has painted a target on my back ever since."
"Yeah, well," Gilbert said, sighing a little. "Fran's a lot more protective of a father than I expected. Granted, it's not a bad thing after what happened to her mother with those stupid amplifiers, but…Lili's all he has left of Jeanne. It's hitting him hard. But it's pretty adorable how much they love each other."
"Of course!" Matthew exclaimed, looking back out into the night sky. "The way he was helping her up the steps today like she was three again reminded me she's only twelve, bless her soul. She'll be a queen at fourteen if she wants, but I'm not sure…she fits so well into the role. It makes me want to have children of my own."
"Kids, huh?" Gilbert said, letting his gaze linger on Matthew before looking away. "Those little bundles of joy. Who would you have them with, if you had the chance?"
"Me? I don't know yet, no," Matthew said softly, leaning on the banister. "I-I haven't thought of anyone in particular. Someone who's different from me, maybe. Someone who knows how to stop being uptight around children. A little more experienced, perhaps."
Gilbert's mouth parted as he looked at Matthew again, but he closed it, letting the moment last a little longer.
His violet eyes were almost luminescent in the darkness, lashes thick as they looked out into the gardens. His hands were empty, tucked underneath his arms against the banister, and he could see his hair lit up dimly by the light from the palace.
Dare he say it…the Ace was strangely beautiful.
"I see, I see. So nothing more than a cordial relationship when the Joker was still Queen of Hearts," the advisor said, scribbling down what little information Matthew would let himself give. "Fascinating."
Matthew pressed his lips together and nodded. There were so many things he wanted to mention from that night, but they would be only his and Gilbert's to share.
"All right, all right. First kiss?" the advisor said, continuing down their convoluted timeline.
Matthew gawked. "H-How does this have any part in solving the case, sir?"
"Very well," they said. "OK – what about first date? First separation? First state visit?"
"None of those are particularly relevant either." Matthew said frostily. "I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to provide you details of what I'm not comfortable to reveal about my private life."
"…very well, very well," the advisor said, their tone ruffled. "What do you want to reveal to us that helps us get a general gist of your motivations behind this…treacherous union?"
"Since we're on the topic of firsts, our first rejection," Matthew dead panned to gasps around the court.
"Curious that it happened," the advisor said, pushing back another piece of paper to reveal a blank sheet, their pen tapping against the table. "Go on."
It is the autumn of the year after Matthew and Alfred's sixteenth birthday, eight months after he and Queen-now-turned-Joker Gilbert have begun to see each other, romantically or not although Matthew both loathes and wishes it was the former. (It is definitely romantic, in Gilbert's mind.)
In Hearts, Prince Ludwig has narrowed down the process to five people – two boys and three girls – for his Deciding, and the atmosphere there is tense. Joker Gilbert – however still officially part of the Hearts royal family until his brother's Deciding has concluded - decides to embark on a state visit to Spades to give his brother space, and with that he has come to Spades to solidify their alliance…
The sun is warm on seventeen year old Matthew's back as he runs down the steps leading to Gilbert's arms as he buries his face into the Joker's shoulder.
"Hey, Birdie," Gilbert laughed, his new nickname after the incident where Gilbert invited him to the Hearts menagerie and found all the birds enamoured with him. "I missed you too, you know. Things got a bit too hectic for a half Queen, half Joker, so I wanted to make a small stop here if that's fine?"
"Of course it's fine, I'm here," Matthew smiled, taking his hand. "The conditions in Hearts seem to be too hectic for even your otherwise level headed brother. I can't imagine the sort of pressure that's on his shoulders right now."
"Well, you're going to be me and Alfie's going to be him in what? Two years?" Gilbert said, leaning across the wall of the grand staircase, his eyes softened. "Hearts is always gonna be somewhere where you can go to before he starts whining about girl – no, boy – ugh, what gender is your brother into, again?"
"I'd think you'd better ask him," Matthew said, and the two of them walked into the Spades castle, slowly separating as to not rouse rumours about the two of them.
Usually, around other people, conversation about his brother ran rampant:
"Is it true that your brother plays the piano? I haven't had the chance to hear it from him yet – I want to see him do it in the Broadcast you have in your country, right? Right!" a noble had squealed next to him at a state visit one day, knocking back a flute of champagne while doing so.
Matthew's reply was that "I'm sorry, sir, I'm the one who plays the piano…Prince Alfred – well, my brother - has an interest in the guitar…"
Similarly, one day he was going out on an excursion with Carlos and two guards, and caught the gossip of two ladies strolling down the street.
"Ahh, his dog is so cute! I saw him in the post again this week, along with Prince Alfred's brother taking him out for a stroll. What's its name, again?" one woman had said gaily.
"The dog? Hero, of course," the other said, sounding a little annoyed. "And you claim to be a fan of the prince…"
"…they're more interested in Alfred's dog than me," Matthew joked to Carlos, to which his friend snorted at as soon as the women were out of earshot. "Ouch."
And one particularly embarrassing incident where a foreign representative had come over and *boisterously greeted Alfred with a warm hug…
…just to have him forget Matthew's name…
So normally, yes, Matthew would be a little hurt by his comment. But the way Gilbert followed him around like a cocky puppy was nothing short of sweet, and he tried his best to fight off his smile as he eagerly watched Matthew turn a corner and follow him right off the bat.
But then, he fought that smile. He had to. Gilbert was to be a Joker. And as an Ace, he had a duty to uphold to the country, even though…
What about your own heart? A small voice piped up inside of him, knocking at his ribcage as if it were a brick wall. Don't you owe it something as well?
"No," Matthew said out loud as his feet followed the cracked pebbles to the secret well stationed near the back to the west of the gardens, a set of staircases that led underground to the well. "I don't, not really. At least, not in this case…"
"Umm…Matthew, but we go here almost every time we do meet," Gilbert said, standing at the door of the entrance. "What do you mean you're not sure where we're going?"
"Huh? Oh – oh, I was just talking to myself," Matthew said, pausing for a moment. "That's my fault, I'm sorry. I do, Gil. It's all right, I made sure it was still lit for today before you contacted me over the port yesterday."
"Aww," Gilbert beamed, and Matthew could feel his hand interlace with his own. He paused for a heartbeat, but let his fingers wrap around his colder hand. "I knew you wouldn't forget about me."
"I couldn't if I tried," Matthew said softly, straightening his checkered waistcoat with his free hand.
The two of them didn't share words with each other again until they had reached the half dry well, fallen into disuse after the Virus and paranoia of it spreading through water that came from the large port that encircled the territory closest to the Hearts, the main source of the well's water. The palace changed to a small river during the epidemic, closer connected to the sea that encircled the right side of the less affected country of the Diamonds and closer to the castle.
As soon as Gilbert's well pressed boots landed on the jagged surface of the floor, Matthew had only moments to react before Gilbert's hands were touching him – at first it was shy and timid as his hand gently reached up to cup his face, but as the two of them grew bolder in only each other's company, it fell into kisses that were both light and sweet.
"Gilbert," Matthew sighed happily as Gilbert's lips covered his face, little laughs of joy rumbling in the Joker's chest as his hands reached to encircle Matthew's mid section.
I know I must tell him, but Fates…let me have this a little longer.
"Loosen up, Birdie," Gilbert sang, leaning a little lower to touch his nose to Matthew's. "We're alone now. There's nothing binding you anymore. You know you can be yourself around me."
The two of them sat at the worn lip of the well, shamelessly re-acquainting themselves with each other's softer points. Matthew's hand placed behind Gilbert to support the two of them while his other was put near his hip as Gilbert took 'all hands on deck' very literal and cupped Matthew's face in two hands, pressing kiss after kiss on the lightest of his freckles before touching his lips to Matthew's own with little dips of his chin, something that he found very cute.
"And – hmm – I thought you were supposed to be the experienced one," Matthew panted between embraces. "You have improved a lot, Gil. I'm – nnh – proud…"
"Anything, heh, for you," Gilbert said, giggling against Matthew's mouth as his lover.
Or was it suitor? Crush? Admirer? Are there any words to describe what he truly means to me, in this moment?
Whatever it was, Matthew was important to him, more so than his brother - however fun he was – would ever be to him. They had sat in his study after lonely nights, and it was almost as if he could sense his neglected mood after every state dinner, and would chat to Matthew until he felt better, whether the chat stopped at ten or two in the morning.
Gilbert…
"I'm sorry I can't always see you, lovely," Gilbert murmured, drawing back to take a look at Matthew's face. "I've gotta look like a right mess every time I come over, and you're always so radiant…what am I gonna do? Bring a tie?"
"I…I'm sorry," Matthew mumbled, and got off the well and started pacing, his feet lightly touching the ground before he moved on.
"…Matthew? Liebling? What's wrong?" Gilbert said, his eyes alarmed as he cupped Matthew's elbow. "Did I…did I say something?"
"D-don't call me that…" Matthew whispered, flinching as soon as the pet name was whispered. It came from a foreign language, one that was only spoken in the small brewery packed regions of Hearts, one that had come from a now defunct country where the current Hearts royal family had descended. "No, Gilbert. You…I…"
"Tell me," Gilbert insisted, using the tender voice he only used with Matthew, making him close his eyes. Don't make this any harder for us than it has to be…
"We can't see each other anymore," Matthew burst out, his lower lip wobbling as he said. "In a matter of what? Days? Weeks? Maybe a few hours, when the Fates recognize your brother's choice for Jack and his partner, t-they'll make you a full Joker. And you know what they say about Joker and Ace relationships."
"…oh," Gilbert said, and Matthew could feel his whole body deflate – his eyes dulled and his shoulders drooped into a state of misery Matthew could barely watch without feeling absolutely miserable. "No, I…I'm sorry, as well. I shouldn't have kept with this courtship after the Fates found me as Joker. It's my fault for f-forcing you into this relationship, I-"
"No!" Matthew shouted, and he turned to face Gilbert, his eyes flashing behind his glasses. "None of it was. From the moment of our kiss behind the stairwell when our brothers were having the birthday dance to when you surprised me at Christmas with those insanely large flowers…I loved you, then. I still…I still do, even though I know what will happen if they find out. You never made me. I gave myself to you because I truly cared for you, and you did the same, Gil. S-So…this is why I want to stop it. Before anyone else gets hurt. Before I find out that I can't stop loving you, no matter h-how hard I try!"
"It hurts, as well," Gilbert said gingerly, reaching for Matthew's hand and pressing it against his chest. "When I'm away from you. If I have to leave you behind forever, forget the one person I love…I'd rather defy the Fates' wishes and not be a Joker."
"What?" Matthew gaped, his hand curling around the fabric of Gilbert's shirt. "That's – no, it's not possible. You can't endanger your life for that…"
"What I meant is that, I love you too much," Gilbert said, smiling wanly. "If you were to separate us – I suppose it's fine if you're happy about it, but – would you really? If it would make you happy, I'd leave. Right now. You'd never see me again, if I can help it. But if there's just one corner of doubt in your heart…don't do it. For your sake. For ours."
Matthew's lips parted, and at that moment Gilbert moved forward, touching his mouth to his, striding to his side with two steps that felt so small yet infinite at the same time. It was desperate, but Matthew felt the love behind the simple movement.
He couldn't fight this. Not by himself. He couldn't reject the sense of belonging, the absence of loneliness they both shared.
"I love you," Gilbert confessed, blushing a little – unfortunately it stood out on his incredibly pale skin, a sign of his Joker transition. "Queen or Joker, Ace or Prince, I love you because you're Matthew. Just…just let me keep on doing it if you feel the same, all right? If you don't…tell me before I make you do something you don't want to."
…but did he even want to?
Matthew's hand lowered to link with Gilbert's hand, releasing a shuddering breath that he was holding as he looked into the Joker-no, he looked into his beloved's eyes, fighting back a laugh as he embraced him again, tucking his chin on his shoulder.
"You know me too well," he said under his breath. "Promise me…we'll get through this together?"
"How else? The two of us barricading ourselves in each other's rooms while tapping out reassurances to each other? Matthew, I think not," Gilbert joked, but hugged him a little closer. "I'm always here for you, Birdie. When I'm done, your awesomeness won't have the word loneliness anymore. And I'll never be done."
"I love you…I love you too, Gil," Matthew said in a hushed voice, tilting his head just a slight so he could feel his scruffier, more unkempt hair clashing with his own. "You have me, and I have you. Whatever's going to come, we're facing it together…right?"
"On my honour," Gilbert beamed, and Matthew fought back a laugh on the way his head bobbed excitedly, letting his fears dissipate…even for a moment.
Standing next to him, next to the well, buried underground, he knew that he wouldn't truly feel loneliness like he used to.
"So your…courtship was initiated when the Joker was still Queen of Hearts, correct?" the advisor said, lifting their pen above the paper with a quizzical expression. "The two of you expressed concern about your relationship when it was discovered that the Fates had elected to choose a second Joker to accompany Joker Katya, who had been reinstated as the sole one. Do you have any knowledge why the Fates did this in particular?"
"I know as much as you do," Matthew said dimly, blinking twice to remind himself that this was reality again, that it was only his memories that were bringing him joy. "I do not know of the Fates' intentions during the period where Joker Gilbert began his transition from Queen to Joker."
I can't mention that you would cast the Fates out, and cast your Joker role out for me, he thought as he fiddled with the spade shaped cufflink on his clothes. That…it meant the world to me, when you said that you would defy even the gods for our love.
That nothing would come between us.
And it will be tainted, like every other memory we shared, if they found out.
"The…Iron Cross," the advisor continued, "One that was seen frequently in Joker Gilbert's possession at public events…one day it just disappeared from his public photos, am I correct? Apparently, it now belongs to you. Yes or no?"
"It does," Matthew said. How can they claim to be judges when even the things they say aren't in a fashion of a court?
"Well, you know the drill," the advisor said, pen poised and ready to write. "Go on. Tell us how you obtained it."
Matthew gritted his teeth and soldiered on, filtering the moments from his memories that were his and only his to keep.
The land of Cards is lightly dusted with the snow of the winter for the Spades twins' coming of age. This year, there has been heavy snowfall in the Clubs, an unusually dry season for Diamonds, a light year for Spades and intervals of snow that cake the hills of Hearts.
Since the conclusion of the now King Ludwig's Deciding ending with the royal Jack Feliciano being inducted into the Primary Suit, the now Joker Gilbert has been elected into the Joker lifestyle completely, along with Joker Katya, elected previously. A battle for them during the Meeting at the Summer Solstice has meant that successful bids for Gilbert to return to Hearts, as Decidings are one of the top reasons to have extra protection, and for Katya to be under the pension of the Clubs as they have not had a Joker under their roof for five years in a row.
But there is something that Joker Gilbert left behind in Spades...someone he cannot forget…
"No, I'm not going to plan with you, Alfred," Matthew sighed, folding his arms. "Lighten up, it's Christmas. I doubt that the advisors will let you run it this year anyway. Maybe next year?"
f"I don't know, I just…" an eighteen year Alfred said, straightening out his jacket. "Stuff, really. I was thinking, with the Hearts family visiting and all…"
"Look, I know you're nervous about Ludwig visiting and everything," Matthew said. "Just don't tell Feli about your puppy crush you used to have on him, all right?"
"I-Wh-Wh-" Alfred spluttered, and Matthew snickered at his brother's fumbling, folding his arms in triumph.
But to be fair to him, he's not the only one who has a thing for a brother born in Hearts… he thought to himself, a smile tugging on his lips as he thought about how Gilbert would be making his way to Spades as well, given that it was a year after the Deciding and the council anointed him for another year to 'protect' Jack Feliciano.
"Come on, Matt, why do you remember even the littlest things?" Alfred groaned. "OK though, look – it was forever. Him and Feli are very cute. He's just my best friend. Don't say anything to him about it. Please?"
"I was just teasing, dear brother," Matthew grinned, giving him a playful shove. "It's called payback. Anyway – that's the carriage, I think…"
Later – much, much later in Gilbert's bedroom, an Ace pets his miniature bear Kuma to sleep and tiptoes out of his room, abandoning his no nonsense slippers to make his way barefoot onto the marble.
The sting of the winter against the tiles makes him jerk, but his swift steps soon numb his feet to it and he is running, eyes darting for any sign of other people in the dimmed castle – but alas, there is no one to his elation.
Past the Prince of Spades' adjoining bedroom, skidding past the Jack of Spades' room where not even he is burning the midnight oil, up the freshly carpeted steps into the second floor, where he eases past the doors where he has made sure there is no guard standing duty tonight, scuttling across the oak that makes up the King and Jack of Hearts' shared room, all the way to the Joker's, where he pries it open…
And blissfully cradles him as Joker Gilbert falls into his arms, like their hearts have promised the other time and time again.
"The state dinner took too long, didn't it?" Gilbert moaned as the pair gently closed the door and embraced each other. "Fates, if we had stared at each other longer, Ludwig would have punched me."
"Your brother isn't that cruel," Matthew chided, holding his beloved tighter. "Both my brother and I find him in good favour."
"Aww, and I thought I was your favourite Beilschmidt brother," Gilbert complained, his lips flattening into a pout that reminded Matthew of a duck that came to rest in the ponds during the spring. "Lud's already married, come on…"
"Is that you accusing me of being unfaithful, by chance?" Matthew whispered in his ear flirtatiously. "How ironic that the famed Joker playboy is chastising me for being friendly while papers mount gossip about his questionable relations with both – oh my, both! – the Queen and Jack of Clubs…"
"You know Liz likes to take this kind of vengeance when I'm anywhere near her husband," Gilbert wailed, burying his face in Matthew's shoulder. "Now I'm being bullied by the one I really love…"
"Hush, let me have my fun," Matthew purred, cupping Gilbert's pale face in his own. "I missed you too, lover boy."
"Only if I'm yours," Gilbert sang, sticking out his tongue. "And now I gotta give you a kiss."
"Duchess, we are absolutely disgusting," Matthew said, making a wisecrack. "Come here, you."
"Don't need to ask me twice," Gilbert beamed, holding Matthew so close that their noses scrunched together, their lips smushing together in a messy mix of tongues and saliva (oh, no) and Matthew shut his eyes reflexively because he was just so close…
But it was so perfect in their own way that Matthew couldn't help but smile, wrapping his arms around Gilbert's neck as the other tilted his head a little higher, letting the two of them relax for a little longer in each other's presence.
After they parted from each other, Matthew's hand lingered on Gilbert's, and there was a strange atmosphere simmering between them. Something…a little stronger than love, but not exactly…
I know our relationship is the exact opposite of this, but…I feel so safe around you. So secure.
Matthew's mouth parted again as Gilbert attached his lips to his throat, moving them in an action that was not quite kissing but something more sensual – akin to suckling as he held an extremely embarrassed Matthew closer to him.
"G-Gil…!" Matthew gasped, his hands instantly going to the back of his head, tickling the silver hairs that were there as if to try to quell his own goosebumps. "Wait, I…no, we can't-"
Apparently, that sent off a landmine that sent Gilbert shooting back two metres to back up against the bed and elicited twelve 'sorry! I'm sorry!' in a row, complete with a relatively terrified expression.
"…Gil? What's wrong?" Matthew said, frozen to the spot and still wondering how on earth he managed to scuttle away so quickly. "Was it something I did-"
"You didn't like it!" Gilbert said, his voice nervous. "I didn't want to hurt you…"
"What? No, I…it was just a bit unexpected, that's all…but," Matthew said, cautiously walking towards Gilbert and letting himself relax with every other step. "Were you thinking about s-"
"Yes, yes, yes I was, don't be mad," Gilbert blurted, embarrassed. "I-I…it's been quite a while since we've started dating, and I thought you might like it….don't be mad, OK…"
"How could I get mad at you wanting to do something for…for me?" Matthew laughed, rubbing the small on his neck in bashfulness. "Well…have you gone to the Fates in Hearts, then? Because you know our bodies don't naturally let us have children."
"O-Of course not," Gilbert said, his blush standing out fiercely against his skin, "I didn't know if you'd like the idea, and it's Christmas so it might be freezing if we're freaking naked, you know, and it's not like I'm very good and everything and you know me, I get really embarrassed talking about, uh, for-ni-cation but I thought you'd like it! I'll do my best for you so I was just offering, you don't have to say no-"
"What if, what if…" Matthew said, looking from underneath his lashes, the sight titillating as he caught hold of a corner of Gilbert's dress shirt. "I didn't want to say no?"
Gilbert swallowed, the sound echoing throughout his room like a drop of water falling into a pool. "I…I…I'm not that experienced…"
"I don't think it really matters," Matthew said, smiling a little. "If I wanted to, though…I think I would want to do it with you first."
"I'm glad," Gilbert said, returning the smile. "If…if you wouldn't mind…"
Oh Fates how the fuck do I tell him I'm a virgin what the hell he just sprung this on me but he's so cute…I can't say no to that face. I knew it would come eventually, but since we're Ace and Joker and kids are a big no no I didn't know it would be so soon...Matthew panicked internally as he slowly began to unbutton his lover's shirt.
But it's with him…and I know he won't hurt me. Above all, I trust him.
"A…Arms up," Matthew mumbled, and the moment Gilbert's shirt came off the two of them met for a kiss, holding each other as if nothing else in the world mattered when the two of them were together.
Maybe that was just how the way things were.
With daybreak brings sunlight…
And birds chirping that disturb a certain pair of lovers.**
Matthew's violet eyes blinked slowly, raising his head from where it was lying on Gilbert's slightly sweaty chest, his eyes laden with fatigue.
He pressed his lips together, stained with morning breath and the taste of Gilbert's skin, and observed the view.
Gilbert looked almost at peace, with the blankets tossed haphazardly over the two of them after their…well, tiring night, his tousled hair being transformed into bedhead and his Iron Cross rising and falling as he breathed…
Fates, now I can see how I fell in love, Matthew chuckled to himself as he brushed his fingers against his lover's temple affectionately, almost like the pats he knew Gilbert loved. Maybe we could never wake up, and I could freeze and live in this moment in my memory forever-
"G-Good morning," Gilbert croaked out, his throat dry and exhausted from last night. "Hey, Birdie, you're up early today."
"Good morning, sunshine," Matthew murmured, the sheets sliding from his shoulders as he rose to kiss him. "Are you OK after last night?"
"Aww yeah," Gilbert said, a shit eating grin plastered onto his face. "I got laid. With the most awesomest person in all of Cards, I gotta add!"
"Most and 'awesomest' cancel each other out
, lover boy," Matthew teased. "It wasn't anything I've ever felt before, Gilbert. And I…that means a lot to me."
Gilbert propped himself up on one elbow, winding his fingers in Matthew's soft hair. "It's my pleasure. Heh. Geddit?"
"I can't believe you," Matthew groaned melodramatically, his face softening from Gilbert's close presence as it always did. "First you tell me you want us to have sex, then you act like a complete dork…"
"Don't act like you don't love it," Gilbert sang, but paused for a moment before sitting against the bed frame. "Hey, wait. Hold still for a moment, handsome."
Matthew scoffed, but watched with surprise as Gilbert undid his Iron Cross, the little silver balls catching the sunrise as he draped it over Matthew's neck, the charm feeling a little cold on his bare chest.
"Keep it, yeah," Gilbert murmured, shifting a little behind and admiring his work. "Duchess, you look hot. But it's more than that, honestly."
"I-I can't accept this…!" Matthew gasped, taking it in his fingers. "It's wonderful, Gil, but it's been in your family since-"
"They've forged hundreds over the years," Gilbert said brightly, nodding enthusiastically. "Look - my brother gave it to someone – Feliciano – that he might not have been with, because we Beilschmidts believe in love above all. And I know that I love you. My bad, Matthew. I should have given it to you sooner, that day by the well…"
"No, it's…oh, it's the most wonderful gift," Matthew breathed, feeling that it was a piece of Gilbert that he had with him all the time – protecting him and being by his side when he himself could not. "I don't know how to repay you."
"Just…keep being yourself and feeling the same things for me like you do now, because I love you for you," Gilbert said, grinning. "Hey. I know it's cheesy, because I mean it."
"You know I love you, you dolt," Matthew said, the words slipping out as naturally as the breaths he took. "And I don't think I'll stop anytime soon."
Matthew let out a breath that he realized he hadn't been holding as he told the thinly disguised story.
He had said that Gilbert had given him the Iron Cross in a gift box in a secret meeting…
He had to lie. No one knew what had truly happened the night Gilbert had given him his Cross, and no one except the two would know – they had agreed on this fact the morning after.
The backlash that he would receive, the paranoia that would rise up in the hearts of the people once they found out that Gilbert and Matthew have had sex, a word that Gilbert was still too shy to pronounce…
Even though that there had literally been no chance of conceiving on either end, they would take it. They would argue that they were trying to have a child by making love that night, and…and…
"Thank you, Ace Matthew," the advisor said, jolting him out of his tightened reverie. "Please give the c – the advisors of Spades to discuss what you have told us. We thank you for your time."
Matthew didn't say anything. He just slipped off his chair and walked outside into the hallway, waiting for any sort of sounds or actions that would suggest human behaviour.
Then he broke down.
*mentioned in chapter forty…again lmao
**this has literally nothing to do with romeo and juliet. the reason i put this disclaimer is a friend who i asked for a touch of inspiration linked me to the dicaprio film and said it reminded her exactly of it…
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