SO i did a little vignette this week that i'm quite proud of (shocker), it's called bloom and you can find it on my profile :)
shameless plug aside, our favourite tsundere returns.
as always, i do not own the selection nor hetalia. these belong to kiera cass and himaruya hidekaz respectively.
Alfred's shoes echoed off the marble of the Spades palace as he made his way through the empty corridors, one hand on his clock.
They would start interrogating Gilbert at six pm, and he had to be there to watch.
The reason he was staying wasn't because of the orders they had been assigned, rather, he wanted to protect Matthew from all the accusations that they would level at Gilbert. He wanted to give him some reassurance that at least he and Yao, two of the most powerful people in Spades with several Primary Suit allies all over the continent, were firmly on his side.
Even though the palace was on lockdown because of his brother's impromptu trial, it felt like everything was muffling his senses around him.
First his brother's predicament, then his friend's, Yao's terror for him, and Arthur-
His chest crumpled at the thought of him, and he broke into a run as if he could outrun his memories of the boy he loved.
I put you in that room for Fates knows why, he thought to himself, shuttering his eyes. But I know what it was.
It was a pathetic excuse of a way I tried to protect you from what I knew would be dangerous.
Alfred paused at the hallway where he had gone through so many times – and all those memories flooded through his head.
The many 'goodnights' he and Arthur had shared. Taking Arthur back to his room after another walk in the gardens. Where he'd say goodbye to Arthur with the unspoken promise of I'll see you tomorrow.
But now, Alfred didn't even know if it was possible.
Did Arthur even want to see his face…?
He could see the light underneath the door as he gingerly approached it, and he straightened his tie for a moment before quickly tucking his hands into his pockets and pausing as he heard the door creak.
Half of him begged for it to be Arthur, with his iridescent green eyes, furrowed thick eyebrows and teasing smirk, his hands soft as he entwined them with Alfred's. But on the other hand, it was terror – that Arthur would be filled with hatred, apprehension, fear – that he could never go back to how they were before. How Arthur couldn't stand his behaviour to the point where he couldn't love him anymore.
To his surprise though, it was his maid, Anna, adjusting her skirt for a moment before closing her door. She took three steps into his general direction and gave a start as soon as she saw his figure at the end of the hallway.
"Y-Your Highness," she said, but her voice was subdued as she bowed once. "I did not expect to find you here."
"Miss Anna, I'm…I'm sorry for scaring you," he began awkwardly. "Uh-"
"Pardon me, my prince," she said wanly, tilting her head to the direction of Arthur's room. "I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."
Alfred flinched at that, and Anna caught his gaze with a gradual tilt of her head, the brown in her bold gaze catching the bright light streaming in from the windows. At this point, she surely must have known the consequences of saying these things to a royal, but Alfred knew he needed to hear them himself.
"Your Highness, I do not know what's happened between you from the time where the two of you were in his room to now. But he's absolutely distraught. He hasn't left his bed to do anything except shower and relieve himself. I've had to coax him to eat and drink, but never mind that. That's all my duty. If…" she said, and took a staggered breath that told volumes about how close she was to unleashing a fury of emotion against him; "If you have even an ounce of humanity in you, I'd suggest you go see him."
"Miss Anna, I…" he mumbled, but she had already began to pick herself up and seemed to be moving on.
"That is, Your Highness, your choice." she said quietly. "If you choose to banish me from the castle on the grounds that it is not my place to speak, I will comply. However...you have been a good prince, not just to my liege but also to your people. I trust you to make the right choice."
"Sometimes I don't think I deserve that trust," Alfred said, twisting his fingers in between each other, but the movement was far from fluid, feeling more like rocks grinding against each other. "I'm not experienced in these things, Miss Anna. I didn't know what I was doing – and even if I did think what I was doing was going to help him, I was wrong. And what you've told me about Sir Arthur's only made me face what I have to. And for that…I thank you."
Her expression relaxed somewhat, but her fingers darted out and clutched his in a tight grip, looking straight into his – Alfred appreciated her fearlessness in that moment.
From a young age, people told him things that were sugar coated and soft to protect him from criticism, but mostly to curry favour with the royalty and his parents. As he grew more prominent to his role, he was given barbs and jabs from the advisors to how to doubt himself – but someone unbiased like Anna giving him the blunt truth was nothing short of what he needed right now.
"I can see it in your eyes, but if you really want to apologise," she said firmly, gesturing to Arthur's door once more. "Make it right. If you want to make things better, you have to learn from your mistakes. Some things you have to learn the hard way."
With that, Alfred nodded solemnly, tucking the words into his soul before bidding her a farewell – however, she caught his gaze with a shift in motion. Anna looked almost…panicked, compared to her earlier stance.
"If…if you're too late, Your Highness, you can't change his mind." she said, and the grip on his hands tightened. "...that's all I can tell you. I can sense what he's about to do, but…"
And with that, she was gone, leaving Alfred stunned and alone in the hallway. He continued onto his trip that was only a few footsteps but felt like an eternity to him.
He paused in front of the creamy painted door, his fist trembling as it rose to knock it. Alfred was about to, but a sound from behind it made him jump.
It was the sound of tears.
Anna had just left the room a few moments ago, citing that she had to go to get him some new towels. She had been nothing but kind to him from the first days he had been here, but it didn't feel as if things were all right as he was left back by himself.
The empty, hollow hours after Alfred had found out about Matthew, Gilbert and the secret that the three of them had been keeping from him had been filled with nothing but despair.
He had ruined it.
Alfred might as well have said that it was over between the two of them. With all the things he pointed about their love affair over the duration of it. Comparing it to Gilbert and Matthew's relationship, it…
Eight months, Arthur. And we have so many things between us.
Arthur's stomach clenched, and his hand traced the wall next to the bathroom, unsteadily following it until he collapsed against the door, burying his face into his arms.
"I shouldn't have lied to you," he said thickly, shutting his eyes tightly as if he could black out everything that was happening right now. "Right after the New Year, when you told me that you loved me, I should have told you. I promised you that you could trust – you could trust me above all, but now I've gone and fucked it up and…and-"
The lump in his throat got too large for him to breathe with and he released the strangled vibration into his skin, the sound wilting like the roses in the gardens, the same ones he and Alfred used to walk amongst. When they were still happy together.
I have to leave.
The thought sparked so quickly in his mind that it shocked him, and Arthur lifted his gaze from the blue carpet that covered the ground.
The last time it had happened, he wanted to let Alfred make his choice faster – but now looking back at it, it was stupid. Even though in his inexperienced mind, he could subconsciously tell that Alfred loved him, and he knew he himself wouldn't let go of their love for a very long time. At the time, the two of them still doubted each other…
"Nothing gold can stay," Arthur whispered to himself, looking at the watch on his bedside table. That meant so many things – the watch, the ring that Alfred had said he had made just for him, the palace, Alfred's hair catching the sunlight, Alfred's tan skin, Alfred himself, the golden boy of Cards.
His smell still lingered on his pillowcase; it still warmed him on the days he wore his bomber jacket, Arthur still felt himself subconsciously wanting his touch on the quietest of days.
But lying to him was something that he knew Alfred couldn't forget. He knew the two of them trusted each other from the bottom of their hearts, and Alfred had taken his masks off and was himself with Arthur, but Arthur had taken that trust and shattered it into pieces the moments he kept silent about the affair.
Even if Arthur knew he loved Alfred, that didn't matter when Alfred didn't love him any more – and Arthur couldn't blame him. To have faced so much pain from the people in his life that were supposed to protect him, from losing his parents to the pressure of being a prince, it must have been relieving for him to finally get to do something for himself, not for the sake of others. Arthur had been ecstatic about the possibility that Alfred could have found happiness with him, but-
Arthur had torn his happiness to pieces, and he deserved what was coming to him.
…even if it meant losing Alfred's love, which he knew he already had.
Arthur curled in on himself again, almost as if he were crumbling underneath the weight of his guilt, and it was a moment before he picked up on the footsteps outside his door. It was only a matter of thudding, skittering heartbeats to recognize that it was Alfred's shoes tapping on the floor.
Embarrassingly enough, the simple idea that he was here set Arthur into tears. What was he going to do? Execute him? Punish him? Whip him? His shaking legs barely could support himself as fear wracked his body.
I know you can come inside if you want, Arthur sobbed into his hands, almost as if he could feel Alfred's fingers closing against his doorknob. You can just open the door, if you wished. And you'll know I'll open it for you. I can't run forever, especially not from you.
Instead of his doorknob opening, he heard two knocks on the door – small but reverberating around his room. Arthur waited with baited breath for Alfred to open the door, but he never forced it open.
"Arthur," Alfred began, his voice trembling, and Arthur bit his lip at how his voice cracked on his name. "A-Arthur, it's me."
"…" Arthur remained silent, but in his mind he was saying so many things.
Are you all right? Are Gilbert and Matthew all right? Did the advisors hurt you? I'm so, so, sorry for not telling you the truth, even though I promised you the night I came back from Hearts. Can you – can you ever forgive me?
I love you.
"Please, I need to see you," Alfred continued, and Arthur made a noise that sounded more like a sob than anything. "I…I knew what I did was wrong. Will you – can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"
I don't deserve you, Arthur thought internally as every cell in his body howled for Alfred's touch, his voice, his smile. You locking me in a room because you wanted to protect me from the backlash is nothing compared to what I've done to you these past few days.
"Arthur…let me change," Alfred said, his voice thick, and Arthur pressed his lips against his shaking fist to muffle his cries as he got to his feet. "I messed up. I can't take back the things I said to you, but I can prove it to you that – that-"
Arthur gingerly opened the doorknob, and his knees almost gave way as he saw Alfred's anguished face beyond that door, his blue eyes filled with a sadness Arthur knew he had inflicted upon him, and it felt like a spear in his heart the moment Alfred's face softened when he saw him.
"…Arthur," he murmured, and Arthur broke at the sight of him, feeling himself sway but Alfred had supported him in an instant, arms cupped around his waist and pulling him close, their eyes meeting for a moment. He felt his eyes watering merely at Alfred's scent, and he had no choice but to turn away for a moment, feeling the guilt in his chest breathe with him. "Please, can we talk?"
Arthur watched him, the way his arms were uncertain around his own like they had never used to be before, the way his eyes pleaded. He could see the damage he had caused in one person alone; what had happened outside…?
"Alfred…" Arthur said, not trusting his body to not turn himself into something else entirely. He placed his hands gently against his chest, maintaining a distance between them, but there was nothing forceful about it. "What…what happened?"
"They hurt Gilbert," Alfred said flatly. "When we told Yao, an advisor was in the room and he refused to leave. Everything came out into the open that night. From there it snowballed, and now…now Matthew's being interrogated by the advisorship on how they came to be. Whatever pathetic attempt I tried in making this better hasn't done anything for anyone."
"Have you come to warn me of something…?" Arthur said, almost immediately regretting the words with the spark of hurt that alighted in Alfred's eyes.
"Do you think I would?" Alfred said, his dog tags swinging as he lifted Arthur's hands from his body, but as soon as his hands lost his warmth, Arthur's heart ached at how gentle the movement was, saying more things than their words could ever express between them. "You know why I can't, Arthur. They'd have to go through me if they wanted to hurt you."
"Don't," Arthur whispered, and he was there again, his fingers touching Alfred's face, tracing over the tan skin, hoping it would quell his thrumming heart. "After the caning, I know I'd never forgive myself for what I did to you. And for that reason, you know you shouldn't be letting yourself settle for someone like me. I betrayed your trust. I should have told you the moment I knew I was going to Hearts."
Alfred's lips parted to speak, but Arthur had shut his eyes and already committed himself to saying the most torturous words he could force out of his throat after these arduous, confusing months of getting to know the person he knew he was irrevocably in love with.
"That's why you should let me go."
"...what?" Alfred exclaimed in stark shock, but Arthur pushed on, desperately wishing Alfred didn't look at him because he would collapse, give way to what his selfish emotions were demanding of him now.
"L-Let me go," Arthur repeated, the unwilling words filling out the emptiness of the room. "You shouldn't be committing yourself to someone who you know you can't trust. Y-You know Alfonso and Emma and you can trust them wholeheartedly."
"What are you saying?" Alfred's voice was hushed, and it felt like yet another dagger was being driven into Arthur's heart, twisting until it was embedded into the deepest crevice. "Are you-"
"I can't stay!" Arthur wept, and turned to face him, closing his eyes and let himself cry the moment he felt Alfred's warmth encompass his tired, tired being. "You don't deserve someone like me. Even though I had a duty to them, I had a duty to you, first and foremost, from the moment we had our first kiss. And I've ruined that."
"You never wanted to hurt me," Alfred said mutely, and let his fingers gingerly touch Arthur's blond hair. "I've heard what my brother's said, and Gilbert as well. I believe them. You didn't tell me just so you could protect them. And even though it hurt, I know you had noble intentions. So I think we can talk it out instead of needlessly punishing yourself."
"But I hurt you," Arthur said, but he allowed his body to lean into Alfred's a little more. "And I can't forget that."
"Who's to say I didn't do the same to you? That day when I locked you in here," Alfred said gently, and Arthur felt himself give in to the tenderness behind those words. "I wasn't thinking straight, but it still doesn't excuse what I did. Your maid – Miss Anna – said if I were to really apologise, I'd learn from what I did. And I want to…but I can't do it alone."
"I asked to leave, once," Arthur said, hesitating before he continued. "After the caning. But now so many things have changed, and I don't want you to regret your decision. I – I don't want both of us to regret it."
"Arthur, you know it's never been about the process," Alfred admitted, his tone shy as he said it. "It's always been about you. I want you – I want us to have as much time to heal as we can. Together. If you can start forgiving me…"
"I'm at fault as well," Arthur said, and after a moment of silence that was neither longer muffling nor terrifying he took Alfred's hand, the beginnings of a smile on his face. "…thank you for giving me a chance. For giving us a chance."
"I'm young, Arthur, and I'm far from perfect," Alfred said solemnly, but Arthur couldn't help the burst of hope blossoming in his chest like a bouquet of flowers as he lifted their joined hands to his warm mouth like he used to. "I want to grow with you, as people and as a pair of lovers."
Arthur, keeping their hands entwined, pulled Alfred to his bedside table where he cupped the clock Alfred had gifted him in his hand, and held it out to him, his eyes trusting.
"…can you help me put this on?" Arthur said, his voice shaking as he slowly turned around, exposing his nape. "If…if that's fine."
"Of course," Alfred murmured, and unclasped the pearl holding the chain together. It was cold against Arthur's skin, but his eyes softened at how beautiful Arthur looked wearing it.
Maybe…just maybe, the two of them could heal not only themselves, but the wounded spirit of the Spades palace after they solved this problem together.
Arthur lifted his arms and pulled Alfred into a hug – nothing too overtly romantic nor affectionate, but it was a reassurance. To tell Alfred that he was there. Not only with him, but for him. Alfred let out a choked sigh of relief, and held Arthur tighter, thanking the Fates that he still got to smell his earthy scent and feel his hands against his skin.
Then a small tick, tock resonated against his chest, a movement so unexpected that the two of them parted from their embrace.
"…Alfred?" Arthur asked, tilting his head. "It's coming from your ch – no, not your dog tags, your clock…is something wrong?"
Alfred's fingers scrabbled for it immediately, brushing away his dog tags and peering at the interface – the hands ticked six on the dot and all the warmth rushed away from his veins.
"Gilbert's trial," Alfred said, tucking the clock into his breastpocket. "Arthur, I…I don't want to leave you. But I have to be there for Matthew. Please, for safety's sake, don't leave the room. I don't know what's coming, but it's not good."
"How do I know you're going to be all right – and Emma and Alfonso?" Arthur said urgently, following him to the door. "I can't have you getting hurt…!"
"It's because I know I have something to fight for," Alfred said gravely, pausing hesitantly before kissing Arthur's forehead, a minuscule moment that spoke volumes about how desperate he was to try to fix the situation. "Emma and Alfonso are in their rooms as well, I've requested for them to do the same. But you know why I can't have them hurting you in particular."
"Come back safe," Arthur said, and cupped his face for one, tortured moment before Alfred reluctantly moved away and Arthur watched as he moved downstairs to Fates knows what.
I'm such a coward, Arthur thought as he curled back against the door, his head tilting back and pressing against it. I couldn't say 'I love you', even with the threat of danger looming over our heads…
I hope you know, Alfred. Because after all that, I…
I still do.
Matthew's eyes were swollen as Alfred ran into the room and quickly took a seat, and he faced his brother as soon as he sat down.
"Alfred," Matthew said weakly, and closed his eyes as if he could shut out the chatter of the advisors and the thrum of the room. "I'm so tired."
"…" Alfred turned to him, and Yao sitting to Matthew's right, his hand holding his liege's own. There was so much to say, but he felt that he couldn't when they were going to-
"There he is!" someone in the audience cried, and everyone turned to face the front, where a beaten up, emaciated Joker staggered to the stand, his eyes hollow but searching – and there was no doubt in anyone's head who he was searching for.
Alfred heard Matthew audibly sob, and took his brother's other hand in his own, feeling shell shocked as his friend weakly helped himself into his seat.
Could he – anyone heal from this?
i'm really sorry - it completely slipped my mind last week to do replies, so i've worked extra hard on them this week! they'll be up by monday. :D
reviews, favourites and follows are what will keep me writing, so please go ahead and leave them!