that feeling when it's 12am but you drank tea so you feel OK, oops

footnote:i've had the important videos playlist à la youtube since10:39pm

as always, i do not own the selection nor hetalia. these belong to kiera cass and himaruya hidekaz respectively.

Gilbert's eyelids flickered twice as soon as he was met with the harsh light of the room, but as soon as he realized exactly where he was, his eyes flew open almost instantaneously.

How pathetic was he in this moment? A royal, with friends and related to a King of Hearts, severed completely from his place in the world. At least, it seemed that the punishment had sated them for a while. Even though it was excruciating to the point where he knew that he'd never forget it, he desperately hoped that Matthew would be unscathed.

His bloodshot eyes – matching his own albino eye colour, funnily enough – scanned the audience, not caring where his feet rested as he all but collapsed onto the hard wood of the chair. Gilbert craned his neck, trying to see if he could catch a glimpse of violet eyes, but three rings of a bell made him droop and attempt to face forward.

They were saying something about order, keeping the crowd down, but Gilbert could only hang his head, and nod stagnantly when he was called to. The throbbing pain in his ankle was too much, and he could feel his open wounds all over his body, wincing every time they brushed against his jacke-

In that moment, barely magic in his mind, his eyes latched onto a pair of violet eyes. Excited, he leaned forward to only realize that it belonged to another person sitting seamlessly in the stands, their expression without much nuance. But it had awakened a feeble light in his head.

The advisors continued to drone out something he couldn't make out as he screened the vast room, mirrors reaching to the ceiling and all, for a pair of lavish violet eyes tucked behind round glasses and black frames.

Gilbert felt as if he was completely disconnected from the hour or mess of seconds he took to find Matthew's face. He knew somewhere, in the back of his mind, his brother would be distraught. Fran would be trying to get to Jack Yao. Toni would be pressing the Primary Suit for questions if they could answer. People would be coming for the advisors of this country, but not before they had their little flirt with power. Gilbert knew he and Matthew were being played as pawns, and he wanted himself to be the card crumpled up at the end of a frustrating play, not him.

He blinked his tired eyes, partially bloodshot to match his pupils, before they gravitated towards Matthew sitting, his expression distressed in the front seats, his hands turning tensely around in his lap and his gaze fixed firmly on Gilbert's chair, making him feel very small. He couldn't say something, but what could he do to reassure him?

Matthew paused, his fingers disappearing into his blue waistcoat and past his shirt as he fished out the Iron Cross, bringing a crooked half smile to Gilbert's lips. The outline of the Cross glinted against the fading sunlight - as it did that fateful morning - whilst Matthew pressed it to his lips, the action speaking more than they ever could exchange in that moment.

Touch it anytime you need it, and you're gonna remember I'm always there, hanging on your neck, Gilbert had told him in a tender moment that seemed a thousand nights away.

Now, the touch represented despair. It described the grueling times that they were going through right now.

But they also meant hope.

I would defy even the gods for our love…

Gilbert swallowed, and raised his trembling hand to his lips, pressing his ring finger for the promise ring he had to leave in Diamonds to affirm the message, to try to bring some semblance of comfort to Matthew despite his crumpled appearance.

Then the advisors called him to the stand – tch, as if he wasn't forcefully dragged there already – and he stood there, not a man, nor someone complete, but a broken Joker.

"And you have significant ties to the Kingdom of Hearts, is that correct?" the advisor asked, their pen tapping on the surface of their desk like it had been with Matthew.

Gilbert said something that was almost unintelligible in the din, and the advisor prompted him for another answer that led to him choking out a yes, to which the advisor pressed him about individual members.

Right. Are you not kin with King Ludwig in Hearts? Yes, if you are you surely must know what sort of reputation one holds with someone of that stature. If you were to corrupt the law, you surely would know that this has the potential to ruin his reputation as well as the others in Hearts as you used to be the Queen of Hearts as well. What do you think about the newly elected monarch?

Did I hear that right? Did you say that you believed the new Queen to be more competent than you are now? Well, perhaps that Queen Kiku hasn't breached the law in such a manner as you have, leading to you sitting here in disgrace today, we as a collective should be spurred on to agree with your opinion. Even though he is new, this means that this brings a new face in Cards politics, one which will hopefully reform the continent. Nevertheless, we are getting ahead of ourselves. We must continue with the next issue.

The words were obviously cutting for Gilbert as his answers got quieter and shorter, but to Matthew they felt like flames lapping against his ribcage as his spirit seemed to break with each goading question he was forced to answer. As the rambling got longer and the answers shrunk to a few monosyllables per question, Matthew felt as if the room was weighing heavily on Gilbert's shoulders alone.

The two of them had had this argument before. Of how he wasn't going to let Gilbert take all the blame for their relationship. And it wasn't like he was blaming himself, falsifying that he had forced Matthew into a relationship, because even a cocky idiot like him knew that it was possibly one of the worst lies one could conceivably tell.

Alfred knew, Yao knew. Anyone remotely close to Gilbert – Francis, his friend General Antonio, King Ludwig, Jack Feliciano, Ace Lovino, possibly even Queen Lili and Jack Vash from his servitude in the Diamonds – not to mention Joker Katya. All of them could give a concept of Gilbert's nature, and that was not to force love, like all the things Francis had told him during the training in his kingdom. Even if Gilbert tried to condone himself, Matthew simply wouldn't let him. He'd make Alfred stop time, even.

The small gesture that the two of them had exchanged when they were first reunited, although through a small window that felt as thick as the pancakes that the two of them had bonded over, meant the world. That Gilbert still hadn't given up. That he was still somehow, inside that tortured, maimed body of his, striving to do something other than survive. And it was that cold flame that Matthew had fallen so seamlessly for.

And now they were going to do their best to destroy it, for any semblance of power that they longed for.

Matthew kept his eyes locked onto Gilbert's throughout the whole fiasco, desperately hoping it could bring some sort of peace to him even as his hands trembled and his heart thrummed underneath his pallid skin.

They had come to a decision.

After a whole day of contemplation, grilling and general horror towards the accused that Yao had not experienced in Spades for years, a group of five to six advisors were standing in front of the first stand, their purple badges proudly pinned to their lapels. Naturally, this marked the fact that they were the highest band of advisorship in the castle.

Did this mean they were the ones that abused Alfred…?

A surge of nausea rose up his throat, and he pinched his nose and took two breaths to fight his instincts. He had to be strong for the boys – they both needed him at their most vulnerable moment.

"The kind of scene that had been laid out for us today, ladies and gentlemen," an advisor said, her hair pulled back into a bun and her expression serious. "has showcased a serious problem put in the continent of Cards, evidenced by a highly illicit affair. If we do not secure an affidavit or a confirmation that it will not become the horrendous affair that ravaged the continent before this type of relationship will become outlawed. We will be sure to spread the word of their punishment around Cards to make sure that the other kingdoms know and learn from this infraction."

It's more than just 'an infraction', Yao thought bitterly to himself as Matthew curled against his side, lips pressed together so tight that they were paling. You forget that we're dealing with lives, not just monarchs.

Moreover, who's to not say that you are to be at blame for something as well? You've hurt the next King of Spades – not to mention my own liege. When this blows over, you'll have hell to pay.

And I'll be the one making you.

"However, as both testimonies have…to a degree, sustained the fact that there has not been any lasting damage as a result, we are mercifully coming to a lighter sentence for both parties involved," she continued, placing a heavy emphasis on the word mercifully, her eyes owlish as she looked around the room. "Surely, if we can find a way to monitor them, we can let some sort of semblance go forth that these sorts of relationships can be accepted, albeit with close monitoring."

"…what?" Yao said under his breath, and exchanged a perplexed glance with Alfred. "Are they-"

"No, it can't be right," Alfred muttered, leaning forward. "They wouldn't have beat up Gilbert for them to suddenly turn empathic. That makes no sense. I don't trust them."

"Maybe what they've done has quenched their thirst for power," Yao mused, but hated the idea that Joker Gilbert was their punching bag. "But I don't think they would stop here. They were trying to manipulate your Deciding as well, Alfred."

"In lieu of this…compromise, we will require Ace Matthew and Joker Gilbert to sign a binding clause to promise that there will be no magically unstable children. That is the first step we must take to ensure the safety of all of Cards." the advisor – another one, but with the same purple badge – announced to applause. Yao daren't look at Matthew's expression.

There was something much more malicious underneath that façade of allowing their relationship to exist. Yao knew that he couldn't trust them, after what they had done to a crown prince and a Joker.

And he wasn't about to.

Gilbert looked at him, his eyes lingering to how Matthew's hand trembled even as he signed the papers. He didn't blame him for hesitating – it had been the source of their talk the first time they had met.

Matthew had admitted that the person he had been talking about before was someone that he didn't exactly know who. He sometimes felt that it was someone who could be dependable – not him, because in his own eyes he was not dependable at all. He admitted that Jack Yao had had to tie up a few loose ends and do a bit of polishing of his work here and there. He didn't feel adequate.

That was the first time Gilbert had kissed him.

It was a rush of exhilaration that had gone to his head, and fear didn't strike until a few moments when Matthew had not met him. He began to try to withdraw, dreaming up embarrassing excuses falling from his lips as he babbled on as Matthew called the guards on him or something…

But all of those rushed out of his head the moment Matthew threw his arms around his neck and kissed him soundly, causing him to stumble and almost break the bookshelf. Despite the exorbitant fee he would still have to pay even though he was queen, it was the happiest moments of his life.

And then he had stopped being queen.

Matthew put down his pen and let out a deep exhale, taking a glance at Gilbert for a heartbeat before stepping backwards. Gilbert could tell that what had conspired in the room wouldn't let them be in contact with other until they had fulfilled the stupid requirements.

But that meant they could be together…at a price. None of those cute kids he knew Matthew wanted. They would be watched – surveyed, and things would never be the same. But if it were to guarantee his safety, he would do anything.

Relief poured into Gilbert's veins as one of his cuts pulsed a little, making him feel the sting. He silently thanked the Fates that they were on his shoulder and not on Matthew's. It would break his heart to see him even more hurt than he was now – he didn't deserve the beating. Above all, he knew he would protect him even with his life.

And that was why he picked up the damn pen and signed the damn paper and read those damn terms, over and over until his eyes blurred over with what was either confusion or tears.

His bruised fingers wrote a feeble mess that was now his signature, and the moment he put it down it felt like a huge weight had been released from his shoulders.

But why did he still feel so apprehensive…?

"As we can see, the two royals of Cards have signed the documents," the advisors announced, showing the paper as if it were some sort of trophy found after a fishing competition. "As we all know, this means that if they do dare to break this rule, we will be forced to enact a stricter punishment."

Matthew kept his face down, burying his face in Yao's shoulder as it seemed to be the only semblance of something that kept him from bursting into the tears. He had given in to Gilbert and Alfred's tormentors, as well as his.

But it was for Gilbert's sake. The way he had looked at him the moment he walked in screamed Thank the Fates it wasn't you.

Matthew was the reason Gilbert wore those horrific scars, mentally and physically, on his skin. And now he was still willing to do anything for him – and Matthew knew in his soul he would do everything.

I'll fight them when my brother's King, Matthew thought as if he could say it to Gilbert in that moment. I'm not going to forget nor forgive what they did to you. But don't think these scars we have on our bodies are forgotten. They've helped us stay together. And I know I won't stop loving you.

Alfred, he said to himself, to his brother who would never hear him in that moment. I should have told you. If you could forgive me, please let me know. Just don't take it all out on him.

And Yao, help me learn. Help the two of us learn. If you can't forgive me, help me change. Thank you for being here for me. Without you…I don't know what I'd be doing right now.

…I'm so sorry, Arthur. What I did to you was unforgiveable.

"We'll get through this together," Yao said, grasping Matthew's right hand. In a moment that felt almost unreal, Alfred's other hand reached out for his left, so that the three of them were linked. "You know we're here for you and Joker Gilbert, Matthew."

"…thank you," Matthew said, but the voice came out like a sob, thinking about how Gilbert was stranded in a foreign country, his brother worrying about him over in Hearts, with no support at all. "Can you – ever forgive me for what I've done?"

"Oh, Matthew," Yao said gently, patting his hair in a way that seemed almost too familiar to his childhood. "There's nothing to forgive."

But between Gilbert's injuries and the crushing defeat that they had just been forced to sign, Matthew couldn't help but doubt that was true.

"Before we can conclude today's instrumental session, there is one more condition before we can finish," the advisor said, and Gilbert bit his lip, the apprehension rising in his chest. He could see Matthew holding hands with Al and Jack Yao, and it made him relax a little to see that he was being supported, but at the same time he felt a pang in his chest.

Lud…where are you? Stay safe. I can't have anyone else getting hurt but me…

"As a precaution, we have elected to perform a little…trial, of some sort," the advisor said, letting their gaze trail to Gilbert's – as if to gloat in their victory. "As we're not very sure whether this relationship is as volatile as the one that happened before this law was put in – and for good reason, I must add – the top advisorship have agreed unanimously on this trial."

"What does it involve?" a member asked, his chocolate eyes questioning. He was wearing a silver patch – meaning that he was the main advisor to a member of royalty. "And why has the top advisorship not been alerted until now?"

"We were…concerned about your bias towards him, Carlos," the advisor smoothly retorted. "And to judge Ace Matthew fairly, we cannot have any biased in favour or against him."

Bullshit, Gilbert bit back, but felt that another stone had been removed from his back. This advisor actually was someone Matthew trusted, and Carlos looked immensely troubled as he slowly took his seat.

"Anywho. This trial, which the advisor has just brought up, involves a handful of…tests, shall we say?" the advisor said, letting out a little laugh that made Gilbert's teeth grind in fury. "Yes, well. Excuse me. We have elected to follow the same steps to test for factors that were raised in alarm of the last Ace Joker relationship. They will be tested on their physical ability, their actual bond, and their magical potential. If we find that it is too large and unstable, we will be forced to take a more serious action."

Instantly, Gilbert knew it was a trap. They obviously knew what sort of magic Matthew could do; as an Ace they wouldn't have paid that much attention to him until he had come of age. Matthew had told him himself that he didn't have much magic power, and preferred to keep it that way as he was praised for his critical thinking instead of his magical abilities.

They wanted to hurt them with these 'tests'. Break them. Wreck their bodies and tear their magical energies from them until they stopped breathing. It was nothing but thinly disguised torture.

Instinctually, Gilbert started formulating a plan.

If there had to be someone coming out from this nightmare, it would be Matthew.

No matter the cost.

so you thought it couldn't get worse? ;)

replies

vivadragnire - yeah so this is why i disappeared from tumblr haha. this is another trial though...

venivediperivi - ahh thank you much, that really means a lot! yep, the two of them are absolute plonks sometimes, unfortunately.

CFAA - (oops i did it again)

infinite hope - it's still mindblowing people would rec my fic, honestly. pfft somedays i feel that my scenes are a bit flat and are rambly/lots of dialogue, etc, but i think i'll be going back to this comment a lot to remind me my writing's improving in the sense. thank you 3

hearthorse11 - and back to the original program. please forgive me

pastaaddict - to be honest, gil's strength is really admirable and it's one of my favourite traits to write about.

outsoldsuits - what good work? lmfaoo

russia says hello - it's OK, i have tissues always free of charge

suzianaviolet - hey, welcome to the party! i hope this is a bit of a pleasant surprise as i update on saturdays instead. thank you very much as well ;u;

n kukurichan - ayyy you're back, how are things? to touch on your first point, i kind of wanted to present gil and matthew's relationship as a 'foil' to arthur and alfred's - they're still very hesitant with each other, holding back (i love you but no homo). but as we can see prucan know each other and love each other very deeply, and they're much more knowledgeable about each other than USUK are right now. and the second point is about how they really crave that power - i tried to reference it in this chapter! for three, i really missed arthur actually, haha. he's on alfred's mind a lot all the time so i think it would only be right as alfred's desperate to put things right between them. also, you're right. every single person in spades is not having a good love story...oops...

reviews, favourites and follows are what will keep me writing, so please go ahead and leave them!