hello everyone! would just like to post a PSA that as of today, this fic is being placed on non permanent hiatus. i have absolutely no plans to stop this fic permanently - until it is done, that is.

the main reason is that i have exams starting next week. lmao. and christmas trips, but i daresay i'll be able to do some work since then.

thank you very much! ;v; really, i wanted to get this chapter out to let you lovely readers know!

as always, i do not own the selection nor hetalia. these belong to kiera cass and himaruya hidekaz respectively.

Soon after, the word of the incident between Joker Gilbert and Ace Matthew spread over Cards, and there weren't a single news outlet not talking about it. Reactions ranged from outrage, accusing the royals of Spades and Diamonds of turning a deliberate blind eye to the situation and putting their lives at risk, whereas others found the treatment of the two of them surprising and were sympathetic towards the pair. It wasn't until news broke that Gilbert was in such a fragile state that public opinion swung largely towards in favour of them, and accusations began to rise.

At first, they were directed towards the Primary Suits - why had they not decided to stop such a process? Some accused Jack Yao and Prince Alfred of mistreating both of them, the fact that one of the impacted was part of their family, but as quickly as the suspicions sprung they were muffled by the Broadcast on the Friday after the incident.

Alfred and Yao had come forward and detailed everything to the public, and this was quickly endorsed by the rest of the three kingdoms. Suddenly, public opinion turned hostile towards the named assailants - the advisors themselves.

Seeing that it had only happened two days after the trial, people started talking immediately due to the sudden arrival of the Hearts royals on Spadian soil, which was odd during a relatively peaceful time as the Joker rebels had not had any signs of major activity since November. King Ludwig, his Queen, Kiku and Ace Lovino, had made a small press conference in the train that they were travelling in, clearing any allegations and telling the public that Ludwig needed to see his brother as soon as possible. People murmured in the streets after it was aired, saying that it was improper of him to leave his husband so close to the end of his gestation, but many agreed that his duty as a brother was as important.

In the midst of the media storm, Prince Alfred curled in his room and buried his head in between his arms, as if he could shut out what was happening. He knew that Ludwig was waiting for him downstairs, no doubt wondering what had happened to his best friend, but there was nothing but guilt flooding through his system.

What if Arthur was to leave after this? He couldn't bear it.

At least I told you, Alfred wept, removing his glasses and shutting his eyes. If you ever say it to me, I'll keep it in my head. I won't ever tell anyone. It's just between us.

I can't go on without you.

The one solution was to have him hold another Deciding, he thought to himself miserably as he felt Hero's coarse fur against his bare feet - his dog was nuzzling him, as if he could sense his owner's sadness. He couldn't have Emma and Alfonso feel like they were his second choices, and it could possibly begin to drive his soulmate's face out of his head.

"Hey, buddy," he said weakly, running his fingers between his back. "Sorry I didn't have much time for you lately. I hope that the maids are feeding you well?"

Hero nodded, his tail wagging enthusiastically as he raised a paw to pad at his jacket, tongue lolling. By the way his floppy ears pricked meant that he wanted more cuddles.

"Come here, Hero," Alfred said, feeling the inkling of a smile worm its way onto his face the way Hero bent his haunches into a play bow then leaped onto his chest, licking his owner's face with gusto. Alfred felt his chest rumble with the beginnings of a laugh, and rolled over to support him more securely, rubbing him underneath his belly. "There's a good boy."

"He's in the infirmary," Yao replied to when Alfred asked him where Ludwig was, Hero's collar jingling merrily beside him. "He said he couldn't wait any longer, and sent his apologies."

"If anyone has to apologise, it's me," Alfred said faintly, but nodded. "Thank you, Yao. After the Broadcast the other day, I feel like things have gotten easier."

"They're not willing to try anything with the other royals supporting us. That was what I was trying to achieve by contacting all the other members of the Primary Suit. Apparently they'll be sending delegations over to send their condolences. However, with Diamonds…things were slightly trickier," Yao said, and paused for a moment.

"H-how bad is it?" Alfred asked.

"Well. Since Joker Gilbert's situation is a bit too precarious for him to be moved, we've agreed to allow Gilbert to stay in return for Katya moving to Diamonds. Essentially, we've lost the extra counsel of our Joker." Yao said, his expression forlorn. "Katya naturally has agreed to go, but I worry for her. Diamonds is so much different to Spades, but I can't help but worry for our new queen. No pressure there, but I'm worried if the Joker rebels catch a wind of this, we're a more vulnerable target."

"…I understand." Alfred said.

"Not to worry, though," Yao said, pushing a strand of his hair behind his hat. "I believe that the person who you'll choose as your queen will be strong enough."

He knew that Yao didn't mean it, but it sent a pang of agony through his chest again. What if the person who he loved above all might not want to be queen after all? He pursued his lips, but made sure that Yao didn't catch his despair as he waved goodbye to him, his once solace his puppy's tail flicking around his calf.

Matthew's hand ran slowly over Gilbert's silver hair, his fingers tangling themselves within the strands and smoothing them over so it reduced his unkempt appearance, but not much. His violet eyes watched the rise and fall of his chest, the tranquility of his still body, the occasional twitch of his eyelids. This all told Matthew that he was still alive.

But Matthew knew that even Gilbert himself wouldn't be content with just being alive. He wanted to be living, eyes twinkling with mirth and a crafty grin as he wreaked havoc and spread laughter in only the way he knew how. He and Gilbert had talked a little about how he spent some of his New Years break with his brother and his family - the uncharacteristic fondness he had spoke about his brother and Hearts had revealed a side of him that only a lucky few were able to meet. And now he had ruined that completely.

Fear shot through his veins as he remembered that King Ludwig was visiting that day. What if he found him still at Gilbert's bedside? Would he get angry? He knew his strength rivalled that of Alfred's; he could easily badly injure Matthew in one stroke without as much batting an eyelash. They had been cordial before, but if Ludwig rightfully blamed him for what had happened, that would be washed away in an instant.

"But he's right," Matthew whispered, looking at Gilbert's peaceful face as if he was finally getting the rest that he'd deserved. "It's all my fault."

Right at that moment, he heard a soft murmuring at the door of the infirmary. Matthew froze, but couldn't will himself to move from Gilbert's side. Even if it was just a maid bringing him meals as it had been for the past few days, or a doctor to top up Gilbert's feeding tube, a nagging instinct told him it was Ludwig.

And it was. King Ludwig arrived, clothed in dark red robes as the maids bowed to him as he entered. His expression - although tainted by an unspoken grief - was nothing short of intimidating as it usually was as his shoes tapped onto the surface of the marble floorboards. With a pang, Matthew saw Ludwig crumple as soon as he saw Gilbert on the cot, his imposing aura diffusing into the air.

"Gilbert," he murmured as he quickly moved to his side, almost as if he couldn't see Matthew. "Brother, this can't be true…right?"

Matthew watched, face pale as Ludwig embraced his brother, shaking him a little with a desperate expression he had never seen in person on the king.

"Please, Gilbert, wake up," he begged, in the same manner Matthew had the few days he had spent completely devoted to him. "I thought you promised me that you would be careful…"

Matthew extracted himself from the room, wanting to leave the grieving brother some time with the one who he knew that he could trust above all.

Afterwards, Ludwig called him in. Matthew clenched his fists, readying himself for any sort of beratement that he knew he deserved at the hands of the king. He expected, at the very least, some shouting. Possibly even cursing, even though he knew how proper the king was. He steadied himself as he pushed the door open to see that Ludwig had taken his place at Gilbert's bedside where he was.

"How long have you been with him?" Ludwig asked, his voice ragged as he looked down at the floor.

"Ever since the trial ended," Matthew said, but Ludwig silenced him with a shake of his head.

"No, Ace Matthew, I meant…since when?"

"…eight months before Gilbert stepped down from the throne and became a Joker," Matthew said, barely audible as he relived the night again in his mind, his eyes blurring. "I…I…"

"There is nothing to apologise for," Ludwig said, and Matthew's head whipped up to face him. Their eyes met, blue with purple, tinted with a mutual sadness. "If anything, you should be apologised to. The barbaric actions that happened that day should not have happened to anyone."

"It doesn't excuse the fact that it should be me on that bed and not him," Matthew said miserably. "He matters far more to Cards as a whole as I do."

"You and me both knew that he would not have wanted that," Ludwig said, trying to give a semblance of comfort but it didn't seem to do anything. Matthew knew that he felt the opposite way - he didn't want Gilbert to be lying on the bed and he would switch their roles in a heartbeat. King Ludwig was due to become a father in what could be a matter of days. He couldn't have this weigh on him; rather, he should be at home tending to Jack Feliciano.

But if it were him, Alfred…what would it do to him? He couldn't imagine the stress his brother was under even now, with the death of Matthew? He would surely break. And only the Fates knew what would happen to their kingdom.

"We're going to make sure he wakes up," Matthew said slowly, his hands curling into a fist in determination. "I swear on my crown, King Ludwig. I'll do everything in my power that I can."

"I trust you," Ludwig said, but hesitated. "But is it all right if I have some time with him now?" "…of course," Matthew said softly, turning to leave, but Ludwig stopped him with a touch of his gloved hand to his sleeve.

"Ace Matthew…can I see whether he did give you his Iron Cross?" he said.

Matthew fished it out of his shirt, cupping it with two hands as he gave it to Ludwig, his eyes catching on the sharp, reflective edges of the cross.

"Thank you, Ace Matthew. Now I know that his sacrifice wasn't in vain." Ludwig breathed, before turning to walk to his bedside. "I'm…I'm sorry."

Matthew pushed it beneath his shirt collar, and tried to not hear the king's tears when he left the hospital room.

Dinner was an awkward affair.

Matthew had finally been persuaded to leave Gilbert's room and all six members of the Hearts and the Spades sat quietly at the table. None of them clearly expected to exchange pleasantries over dinner, but no one expected awkward silence. Kiku lifted his spoon to his mouth, his normally calm eyes owlish as he looked around the table at the other royals. Alfred and Matthew sat closely next to each other, Alfred constantly shooting his brother anxious looked any moment he faltered on his piece of bread or letting his hair dither. Ludwig and Yao were conversing in small voices, taking occasional breaks to eat. Ace Lovino ate quietly, in the same fashion as Kiku did, but there was a certain thoughtfulness behind his actions compared to Kiku's curiosity.

This, Yao deduced, was likely because of his brother's condition back in Hearts. Knowing Ace Lovino's long standing problems with King Ludwig, more likely than not he was relatively angry at him for 'abandoning' his brother at such a critical time.

Even if his accusations did have ground, Yao knew that Ludwig believed in his duty towards his brother. Ludwig had told him that his trip slash visit would only be around three days before he had to return to Hearts - the plan, at least, was to stay for Alfred's wedding announcement and then the subsequent discussion there needed to place to deal with the advisors. With the Hearts here, Yao was sure that they would not try anything to harm them. He could only hold his breath that he would not harm them until Alfred's wedding and the crowning of the new queen.

That, and…

"Queen Kiku," Yao said, the first time someone had directly addressed anyone during the dinner table. As a result, the queen sat up straight, his eyes petrified as if he had just been accused of committing a serious crime, with a stuttered 'Y-Yes, Your Highness?'

"Please do not be too apprehensive, Your Highness, but…King Ludwig and I were discussing your apprenticeship, which is custom for every new royal." Yao began, and he could feel the atmosphere n the room relax.

"Ah…I apologise, Jack Yao, but I have not given it much thought due to the events of recent," Kiku said, placing down his fork.

"There's no issue with that," Ace Lovino interjected, exchanging a warning glance with King Ludwig - naturally, a result of their continued feud. "Well, what were you proposing, Jack Yao?"

"I was actually going to ask whether you would consider us hosting you," Yao said, trying to keep his tone light in face of what would be an awkward rejection. "Seeing that we will have a prospective queen that will be completing their own internship by the same time, we could use another member."

Alfred's fork stiffened.

"Right, I see. Is there any consensus who it is, if you do not mind me asking?" Kiku asked, a twinkle in his eye now - Yao quickly remembered that Arthur was the one that had gone for the coronation for his friend's sake. He could assure him that Arthur was still in the palace, but he didn't want to put Alfred on the sp-

"I'm sorry, everyone," Alfred announced suddenly, and five pairs of eyes fixed on his sudden stance from his chair. "Please excuse me for a moment. I have to attend to…attend to the coverage of the Broadcast. Media reception and everything."

Usually, Matthew would have at least a little word with him, but he was picking at his dinner today, slowly twirling around the sauce on his plate until it had thinned out, but not without a glance at his brother's direction.

"All right, Alfred, see you," Yao said, and felt a little bit of relief when his charge gave him a hug, burying his face in his shoulder. "You must sleep early tonight."

Alfred nodded before walking away, and Yao helped himself to his seat, clearing his throat before continuing.

"…right. To be fair though, we haven't had any offers for Kiku's apprenticeship ever since we announced his crowning a few days ago," Lovino said thoughtfully. "So I would definitely consider an offer – but that will have to wait until after Feli – Jack Feliciano has given birth to the heir for things to slow down. But after all, it is Queen Kiku's decision."

"Of course, no pressure intended," Yao said gently. "It was just an idea, Your Highness. The only requirement is that you must make a decision before the full first year of reign."

"I will…be sure to keep that in mind, Your Highness," Kiku said, but there was definitely the sense of relief echoing in his words. "However, I would like to know whether…"

The conversation continued, albeit without the absence of the soon to be boy king.

Anna broke the news to him gently that morning, but he had simply given her a hug, telling her to attend to only the most minimal of duties, and asked no further questions. She sat with him for half an hour in the infirmary, placing her clasped hands on his lap as they shared topics about anything but what had happened in the palace. Arthur got to know about three rowdy but dearly loved sisters in the farmlands of the Clubs, and Anna laughed at the antics of the Kirkland gang.

Arthur had been surprised that Hearts had come to Spades so quickly after the incident seeing that Feliciano was due very soon – any day, in fact – and Kiku had just about settled into the court, but he knew that if anything had happened to his siblings, his mind would be consumed with grief. But Kiku was not even a problem he would need to consider…he debated on whether it would make Anna comfortable in sharing it but he trusted her beyond words and spilled the exact magnitude of the situation. She had simply answered that he knew what to do after so many years of friendship, and that Kiku would surely understand.

The two of them could have talked all day - but all too soon, she was summoned away for kitchen duties and Arthur sat alone with his thoughts and disbelief.

I love you.

Had it been real…?

Arthur knew in his mind that Alfred would never want to break his heart like that. If Alfred believed that he was leaving - if he was leaving, truly - he knew that the other boy wouldn't be so cruel as to tell him what he really felt before he was to be eliminated.

"He wouldn't be so cruel as to…toy with my emotions…" Arthur slowly admitted to himself, his eyes watering a little. He knew what sort of person Alfred was. The sheer effort that he must have summoned up to finally confess - it meant something. Enough for Arthur to trust him more than his own self doubt.

But if he was so convinced on the possibility me leaving...why did he confess? He also knew that Alfred wouldn't say it in light, after everything they had shared together, after all the time they had spent holding back those three words. It was almost as if they had lived in fear – and now that it was gone, there was only one thing that he should have done before Alfred walked away.

Tch. Do you even deserve him? his inner voice pricked at him, harsh and scalding. After all your deception, even after you vowed to marry him, you kept Matthew and Gilbert's affair a secret. And now Gilbert's lying still on a cot and Matthew's traumatized. He doesn't deserve someone like you.

"That…I…" Arthur fought to push down the lump in his throat, his hands fisting in the sheets with tension. He knew he had a self depreciating complex, one that told him that he was constantly not good enough. That, along with him seeing Alfred as the quote on quote 'perfect golden boy' did nothing for their relationship especially in the beginning. Even now, it did nothing for him. "It's not true, is it?"

How do you know? the voice taunted, the sound rattling off his head, rocks falling against a cliff. You see how he makes decisions like that. He's learning from mistakes. What about you? Pathetic. You can't even tell him that you love him!

"No!" Arthur cried out, trying to shut out the sneers, eating away at him, pushing up against those walls, those barbed wires he knew Alfred had tried so hard to untangle these eight months. "I'm not, I…I…"

Look at him, the voice crooned, and Arthur's eyes squeezed shut as his toes curled and his fingers dug into his scalp. And look back to yourself. Prissy little Arthur Kirkland, the black sheep of your own family, unattractive, rude, crass, bad tempered. Look back at him. A crown prince of Spades. Friendly, popular, confident, handsome, good natured. It's no wonder that you don't deserve him.

"That's not true," Arthur echoed, releasing his tight grip. "That's not true. He has flaws. He's inexperienced, he can't read the atmosphere, he's insecure as well…but that's what makes up Alfred. That's what I love about him."

… the voice had quieted, but Arthur couldn't stop there.

"I promised him, that night before he left for New England, that I loved his flaws because they were a part of him," Arthur said slowly, feeling some warmth flow back into his turbulent head. "After all those fights we had, I…I know I can't ever stay away from him. And now, I know I'll never be unable to be away from the person that I love."

Arthur paused, waiting for the familiar voice that had simmered within him every since he was a child, to laugh, to torment, to tease. But it never came.

"So what if he's flawed? If I'm flawed? He…he loves me," Arthur breathed, finally allowing himself to feel the giddiness, the elation that should have accompanied Alfred's confession last night coat his words. "He's not any of Erin's boyfriends. Alfred's more than any of that. I trust him with all of my heart, and…I love him."

Tears were cascading down his cheeks, and Arthur looked at where Alfred had just perched the other day. He looked around, watching to see if there were nurses, and gingerly clambered out of the bed, tapping each foot twice on the freezing floor before making his way to his room, where he knew Anna would eventually find him.

"I must tell you," he said determinedly to himself. "It's not fair to you, Alfred. I…I can't hold back any longer…"

a little bittersweet for our break, no? ;)

replies

CFAA - ya feelings suck. they're so overrated amirite

symphonylane (any chance related to five for fighting? ;D) - curse or rant, i'll appreciate it nonetheless, haha. and yes, it's not just you - i'm not sure, i quite enjoyed the importance of family in the original work and carry on some of the good aspects (seeing that it's a YA novel, there were so many things i did my best to tweak a little) but that part really stuck with me, so i wanted to show a much more support, sibling relationship that's actually quite loosely modeled over my own with my sister such as the teasing aspect, so i definitely felt really close to these scenes when i wrote them. i'm so humbled on your comment about maths homework tho! that's really significant, pfft. and for your PS, i don't really prefer either above each other? i use both and archive is absolutely wonderful, it's just that i think this fic needs a tad more polish before i present it to another platform x.x

hearthorse11 - now for the next one, definitely. or not? huhu

mi-chan kizanami - god, that sounds like such a good idea. usuk ballroom dancing AU when? (please don't quote me on that, i don't think i'd be able to write something as nice as that, oops.) thank you for reading! :D

mygenderisunicorn2004 - i mean, 93 chapters isn't that long really, i say to crickets. thank you for reading, dear!

pastaaddict - gah, i don't want to imagine the family dinners. alfred's forced to eat a day's worth of arthur's cooking, i bet.

russia says hello - i hope this satisfies your expectations! :)

spade sama - HAHA, do i ever know it. it's probably longer than the amount of ship tease usuk have had in canon material...wait, false. what a false claim. they're so madly in love with each other in canon and it's leaking out.

vivadragnire - slowly bandages self (sorry, i know i did reply to you on discord abt this so i guess this is another bonus. ;D)

n kukuri chan - oh my god, you and your great reviews sustaining me before i push this chapter out, lmao. to address your first point, this will be addressed in literally 2-3 (?) chapters, so unfortunately i can't answer that for you right now! but yes, it's really nice to hear about what you're thinking about it! and the whole description of attacks is to sort of tide public opinion into favour into pity for the royals, but they did steal some of the amplifiers from diamonds - but someone actually did die in the incident that led to the clubs aiding them getting their communications back up to slate. i'd appreciate a little clarification if it's OK - but it's definitely an idea worth writing about!

for your second point, i did try to show allistor's frustration and overbearingness while letting him show his relationship with arthur as well as erin with her own love life problems. they haven't been the closest since at a very young age arthur went to the holding facilities, but he trusts in his brother's abilities - and i would classify the teachers as fangirls lmao, and definitely the info blackout would have distressed them. but seriously, i don't think allistor would give two shits if it was a god breaking any member of his family's heart. literally he'd fight some divine entity because they stood one of his family up on a date night or something.

and about your third point, alfred is definitely not sitting back, no SIR. he'll be trying to get anything and everything to get it back to rights, and we truly see the quote on quote 'superpower side' of his personality. this is a bit funny to touch on, but YES. 93 CHAPTERS. i feel like i've run a marathon. i actually had a really dramatc idea in mind for something later on since the conception - well, really, the full imagery bloomed in my head once i visited the palace of versailles, but that'll come to fruition later - idk, i could edit disclaimers like i USED TO but spoilers, haha. i hope you understand ;w;

reviews, favourites and follows are what will keep me writing, so please go ahead and leave them!