Chapter 18.
Mike looked over towards Donna in the cab. He was so grateful towards her now. He was going to get to stay with her. He didn't have to go home. He trusted her completely on that. Maybe he would be able to get some sleep, finally. He was so tired.
He knew that he had just made a fool of himself, embarrassed himself. But Donna didn't seem to care about that. She didn't seem to think that he was pathetic. She had said that it took time to get over something like what he had been through.
He really wanted to believe her, because he knew that he wasn't over it at all. He kept flashing back there in his mind. Different images came to him all the time. Different things reminded him of different events. A hand on his shoulder got him right back to that concrete floor, and it was like his arms started hurting again and that same fear overwhelmed him. And sometimes there wasn't even anything that reminded him of it, terrible images just popped up in his mind. He relived every moment with crystal clarity. It was awful and sometimes he had a hard time getting out of it. It had been like that just now when Donna came and said his name. He had had instantly been thrown back to reality but was still in the same mindset as he had been when he was captive.
He had known as soon as he looked at her that she had understood. She knew now what he had tried to hide. But she accepted him anyway. She wanted to help him. That was wonderful.
He had cried against her. That had felt good as well. At the time he hadn't been able to stop himself. She didn't seem to mind. She just held him to her and comforted him. Just like if she had been his mother. He looked over to her again and now she met his eyes and smiled a little at him. He couldn't force himself to smile back. He just looked away again.
He didn't know if what he was doing now was a good idea. He was really imposing on Donna here. He had practically forced her hand, the way he behaved earlier. It was too late to change his mind now though, because the cab just stopped, and Donna got out. Mike hurried after her. He followed her up through her apartment building, which was much nicer than his.
"Welcome Mike." She said as she let him inside.
"Thanks. It looks nice."
"Well, thank you. Why don't you take a seat? You must be tired. Do you want anything to eat?"
She didn't wait for his response before she headed to the kitchen. Mike did as he was told and sat down on her couch which was directed to the huge windows. She brought them both tea and croissants a few minutes later. Mike who didn't really feel like eating ate everything on his plate anyway. He seldom drank tea, but it was sort of comforting, sitting there next to Donna on the couch with a warm cup in his hands. They didn't talk much, but that was okay with both of them.
"I'll get you some sheets and a pillow." Donna said after they were finished. "I hope it's okay that you sleep on the couch."
Mike stood up. "Yes of course."
She nodded and smiled.
"I didn't bring anything to sleep in." Mike said helplessly.
"Of course, you didn't. This wasn't exactly planned Mike. But don't worry. I'll find you something that you can wear. And tomorrow, I'll go with you to your place and get you some clothes and other things."
Mike didn't look thrilled about that idea, but he still nodded.
She came back with a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. "I hope they will fit. They are a bit big on me."
They did fit, even though he felt a bit ridiculous in shorts. Donna started to make the bed for him and refused his help. She instead gave him a toothbrush and told him to go clean up.
She was finished when he got out from the bathroom. She walked up to him. "Will you be fine here?" She asked gently.
"Yes." He said quietly and looked over towards the couch. She had even left a blanket by the foot of the couch. Suddenly he felt like crying again. She was so nice to him.
"Thank you for doing this, Donna." He said.
"I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner." She said. Then she leaned forward and gave him a hug as she whispered good night in his ear.
He smiled at her and hoped that she didn't see that his eyes were watering. She disappeared down the hall after that. He slowly walked up to the couch and sat down on it. He felt safe here. He was pretty sure that he would be able to sleep now. That was a wonderful thought. He crawled down under the cover and rested his head on the pillows. She had left him two. That was sweet. He could hear her getting ready for bed in the bathroom. He just laid there and listened to the sound she was making, until they stopped. She must have gone to bed now.
He looked at the lamp next to him on a small table. He didn't want to turn it off, but he should. He hated the way his hand was shaking as he stretched out his arm to turn it off. He tensed as the room got dark. He shut his eyes and forced them to stay closed. He didn't like it though. He tried to listen and see if he could hear something. Did Donna lock the door? He opened his eyes. He couldn't see anything. He pressed his lips hard together and gripped the cover in both hands. Without him wanting to his mind wandered back to the concrete floor. It had been the same thing there. He had been laying in the dark and just wishing that he would fall asleep. At least the first two nights. The third had been worse. The last night had been terrible.
Tears were trailing down from his eyes now. He couldn't stop them from coming. He wanted to turn the light on again, but he didn't move. He wasn't some child. But he would just feel better if it was on. But what if it bothered Donna? Maybe she wouldn't let him stay here then. Where would he go then? A few tears ran down into his ear and he wiped them away. He hugged his arms to his chest. He still had his eyes opened and it was so dark.
It took him almost two hours to fall asleep. He dreamt about concrete floors, hands grabbing at him and pain. He woke up screaming. He flew upright and didn't know where he was. It was dark and he didn't recognize his surroundings. He was sweating and had tears in his eyes when the light in the room was turned on. Donna was standing there, wearing a robe and with her hair all messy.
Mike froze in place at the sight of her. He didn't know what to do. He bit his lip hard. He must have woken her. He hadn't meant for that to happen. His breathing started to speed up.
"Are you alright Mike?" Donna gently asked.
Mike wanted to scream at her for a second. Did she really think he would be okay? He still forced himself to nod. He just sat there, unmoving. He jerked when Donna started to move closer to him. He felt incredibly scared and didn't even know why. He hated himself for the way he was behaving. He also couldn't stop the tears trailing from his eyes. She saw it.
"Sweetie…" She said. Mike didn't move.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Donna carefully sat down on the edge of the couch, close enough to touch him. He didn't know what to say. He was panicking but tried to sit absolutely still.
"Mike, honey?" She said. "Are you okay? Talk to me."
"I… I had a nightmare." He said stupidly. She smiled sadly and nodded.
"About what happened to you?"
It was Mike's turn to nod.
"I'm sorry." She said. He didn't know what to answer so he didn't.
"Why don't you lay down again?" She asked. He did so, even though he didn't want to. She was still sitting next to him; he could feel her presence by his legs. It comforted him. He didn't move his own legs. He suddenly didn't want her to go at all. He wished with all his being that she would stay there, just like that. He bit his lip and tried to control his breathing. He was so tense. He didn't know what to do with his hands.
"Do you want me to keep you company for a bit?" Donna asked him then, just like she knew. He nodded. He wanted to move closer to her, to hold on to her. He wished he would just stop feeling this damn scared. He didn't have a single thing to be scared of here, but still the panic wouldn't leave him.
"Try to relax Mike. It was just a dream. That's all over now."
His heart sank a bit at her words. That was just it. It wasn't over for him. Not at all. Every scenario of those four days kept replaying in his head over and over, almost every time he let himself relax and didn't focus his attention on to something. That's why he wanted to work. He was able to for minutes at the time think about something else. That was such a relief. But here, it didn't work.
He hated his mind for doing this to him. Donna was right. It was over. Why couldn't he let it go? He tried to force himself to breathe normally. He felt like such an idiot as he felt how tears ran down his face uncontrollably. He felt so tired but didn't want to close his eyes. He couldn't relax at all and he rubbed his face a little on the pillow. He sat up again. He couldn't just lay there, he couldn't.
Donna looked worried when he met her eyes. He almost flinched when she reached out and touched his arm. He fought the urge to pull it away from her, not even knowing why he wanted to do that. Instead he stayed still and tried to get control of his breathing while she stroked his arm, up and down.
"It's okay Mike. It's okay." Donna told him quietly. After a few minutes he did feel a bit more okay. He had gotten himself under control again, the dream had mostly faded. He laid down again but was still scared of new ones. Donna stayed until he fell back asleep. It felt so weird, but at the same time he didn't want to say anything that would make her leave. He really appreciated that she was there.
He dreamt more nightmares that woke him. Donna had left a light on in the hallway, so he didn't wake up to total darkness again. She wasn't there though this time. His heart was still beating so hard in his chest that it almost worried him. He had dreamt that he had been bound and unable to defend himself. He went back to sleep after almost an hour of trying to empty his mind from all those bad memories. He woke up again after what felt like five minutes, from another nightmare. He cried into his pillow after that one.
He felt so pathetic. He felt like a total failure. He felt weak. Unable to deal with what had happened like he was some kind of crazy person. What if he never would get over it? What if this was his life now? That scared him a lot.
The worst part of it all was that he felt so alone in it. It had been over for several days now and at first everyone had been really nice to him, had shown sympathy and support. But he should be over it by now. He was sure that they all thought that. It had been awful and all, but it was over, and things were back to normal. For everyone else that was. Not for him. For him it was like it had happened yesterday, he felt the same. He had no one to turn to now. He wished so much that he had.
He also couldn't help but feeling angry at the people around him, even though he knew that was stupid and ungrateful. It was just that the men who kidnapped him was still out there. No one had seen them, and it didn't seem like the police did much about it. He couldn't understand why everyone seemed to just ignore this fact. It terrified him to think about it, that they were free to do whatever they wanted, and with Harvey's money as well. They were free while he felt like he still was a captive, just under different circumstances.
He just wished that he could talk about this with anyone, or preferably he wanted them to bring it up, ask him what he felt about the kidnappers being out there. No one did though, they didn't care. No one asked him anything, the only thing they wanted to know was how he was feeling.
Donna had been nice enough to offer him to stay here, he couldn't screw it up by being difficult. Like saying something or disturbing her at night. He already had done it once now. He figured that he could stay here for a couple of days now. Maybe even three, then he would have to make up some story about him feeling better. But where should he go next? The thought of going home made him want to cry, home wasn't an option. Not while those guys still weren't captured. And honestly, he didn't know if he could have faced going home even if they were. Maybe he could stay at the office again? Maybe some hotel? That seemed to be the best option. Maybe he could find a cheap one somewhere close to the office.
He had an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, and it felt like his eyes were about to tear up again. He had been able to calm down some, but now he felt worse again. He really wished he had someone to talk to. Donna was in the next room, but he was dependent on her now if he wanted to have somewhere to stay at night. He didn't think she would be mad at him if he went to her, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.
Yesterday she had seen him break down. Not once but twice. He had cried in front of her twice as well. The nightmare he hadn't been able to control, but the breakdown he had had at the office was another story. Now it only felt embarrassing, nothing else. She had seen him at his weakest. On the other hand, she had really comforted him, she had helped him. Would she do that again if he asked for it? Could he ask? He didn't think so. And what if she told Harvey? She probably would. And she probably would want to talk to him tomorrow. What would he say? It stressed him out a lot.
He didn't sleep much at all for the rest of the night. It was first when he heard how Donna's alarm went off and how she turned it off that he started to drift off. Somehow it just felt better when he knew that she was awake.
When she shook him awake it had only been about half an hour. He jerked awake and might have slapped her hand. His heart was beating so hard and his breath had sped up.
"It's okay, Mike. It's okay. It's just me. It's just Donna. Everything is fine."
He felt like crying when he looked up at her. He was so tired still; he had just been so scared and now he had to pretend. It was even harder to hold back when she reached out and lightly stroked his hair. He didn't move.
"It's all good." She said and smiled at him. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't. It wasn't at all. But he didn't say anything, instead he just laid there and tried to not move in fright if her walking away. He wanted to reach out and hold on to her.
"How did you sleep?" Donna asked next.
He panicked a little inside but forced himself to smile. "It's more comfortable here than at the office." He said.
She smiled and he knew that he hadn't fooled her. She nodded a little.
"I've made breakfast, if you are up for it."
She stood up then and Mike hated himself for wanting her to stay. He felt like crying again. How was he supposed to be able to deal with today?
He bit his lips hard and just laid there and waited for a moment until he felt like he maybe would be able to hold it all in. Then he got up and went to the kitchen. He wasn't that hungry but figured he would eat anyway.
"Did you manage to sleep some more?" Donna asked him.
"A little. Thanks."
"It was a pretty bad nightmare you had Mike." She said next. He didn't know what to answer other than agreeing, so he did.
"Yeah."
"Do you have them a lot?"
"Yes." He didn't look at her when he answered, instead he focused on the breakfast in front of him.
"And they are about what happened to you?"
"Yeah…"
She looked at him and he knew she wanted him to elaborate but he didn't know if he could. He felt so messed up.
"I know I have said this before Mike, but I'm so sorry this happened to you."
"Thanks Donna." Mike said. "It sucks." He smiled a little and didn't pulled back when she stroked his arm. He wished that she would hug him, but she didn't. Instead she smiled back at him and picked up her cup of coffee.
After they were finished Mike helped her put the dishes away. He needed to ask her something but didn't know how. He needed it to not be a big deal, just ask it lightly, and now was a good time since they weren't facing each other.
"I can stay here tonight as well, right? I mean, if that's okay?" He managed to keep his voice steady.
"Of course, it is. You are welcome to stay as long as you like, Mike." Donna said it like it was a certain thing already, that he was staying. That felt so good.
"Thank you." He said.
Donna just smiled at him and soon they left for work. She had a way of making it feel easier. He didn't feel that worried when they got outside, the car ride went well too. Things felt okay and almost normal, at least until they arrived at the office and had to share an elevator with Jessica and two other associates. Mike prayed that she wouldn't say anything to him. Thankfully she just nodded towards him and said good morning to Donna.
The fact that he was so nervous about being spoken to spoiled his mood though.
He went to his desk and started working. He needed to think about something else. He needed to really engulf himself in the case at hand, so much so that he forgot everything else.
He managed to do it pretty well, and almost felt angry when Harvey suddenly came up to him and made a move to remove his headphones.
"How is it going?" Harvey asked. Mike didn't know why he would ask that, in front of all the other associates. It felt like they were all staring at him now. He felt his face starting to feel hot. He clenched his teeth.
"Fine. What do you want?"
Harvey glared a little at him and then asked him if he was finished with the files.
"Not yet. You gave them to me yesterday evening and it's not even nine yet."
"So, you are not that good then?"
Mike knew that Harvey was joking or trying to, but it wasn't funny. If he had stayed at the office last night like the nights before he would have been finished. He would have, but he wasn't now. He swallowed hard.
"It was a joke Mike. I was joking. Bring them to me when you are done." Harvey said then when he hesitated.
Mike stared after him when he walked away. He then looked around the room and saw at least two people who quickly bent their heads down as he looked towards them.
He wasn't that good. Harvey was right. He wasn't good. His thoughts brought him back to what had happened even though he did everything he could to resist it. They just kept coming and he wanted it to stop. If he thought it would help, he would have banged his head against his desk. He was trapped in the thoughts. They were breaking him down.
He brought his hand to his other arm and pinched himself hard, pressed his fingers into the freshly healed wounds from the bindings. The pain actually worked, and he managed to snap out of it. He glanced at his wrist and saw how red the skin had become. He quickly turned back to the file again. He felt all sweaty and his heart was beating so hard in his chest. He thought distraughtly about what he had just done, he couldn't understand why he was feeling like this. But it would pass, with time it would pass. It just had too, because he didn't know what to do otherwise.
He tried to concentrate at the files instead of what he was feeling.
-SUITS-