Chapter 20.
When Harvey got to the office the next morning, he asked Donna if Mike was in yet.
"Yes, he is here." She said. "You want me to get him?"
"Yes." He said and walked into his office. He was a bit surprised when he saw that Donna got up and walked down the hallway. Usually she just called Mike.
Mike looked pale and tired when he walked into his office without knocking.
"Mike. I have a meeting at ten. Would you like to come?"
He didn't know why he framed it like a question. Before Mike was kidnapped, he never asked the kid about stuff like that. Mike nodded now and asked if what he needed to do to be prepared.
In the car on their way to the meeting an hour later Mike fell asleep. At first Harvey was going to wake him, but then he didn't. It looked like the kid needed a nap. Mike jerked awake though when they came to a stop. The meeting went well, and they were done about an hour later. It had been a preparation for court. They were going tomorrow afternoon. Harvey was pretty sure that it was going to be an easy win.
When he got back to the office, he ordered Mike to go through all the paperwork. He wasn't sure yet if he was bringing Mike with him to court or not. He wasn't entirely sure that Mike was in a good enough state of mind to handle it yet. Sure, the kidnapping happened a while ago now, but Harvey knew that it still affected the kid. Of course, it did.
The men that kidnapped Mike was still not caught. Harvey had been in contact with the police a few times now, but they seemed to be pretty incompetent. There was no trace of his million dollars either. He suspected that he would never see them again. It was frustrating of course, but he tried not to think about it. It had been worth it to get Mike back, of course it had.
Mike had remained in his office with all the paperwork. Harvey had it stored in a couple of boxes on the table. Mike went through them methodically and would sometimes ask a question. However, he seemed to be irritable and tired. He yawed a lot and would rub his eyes once in a while.
He muttered something about Harvey tapping on the keys of his computer too hard and then glared at Harvey when he made a remark about tapping lighter.
Mike felt angry and he didn't know why. He knew that lack of enough sleep affected his mood, but he just couldn't help that Harvey was annoying. He had managed to sleep about four hours that night. After Donna had stayed in the room with him, he had been calm enough to be able to fall asleep. He dreamt a lot of nightmares but didn't woke from them. They left him exhausted though. He had a hard time of letting go of them.
He felt embarrassed to face Donna as well. She seemed to pretend that everything was normal, so Mike went with it. She had made them porridge for breakfast.
They arrived at the office quite early and Mike went to his desk. Donna came to get him about thirty minutes later and said that Harvey wanted to see him. They went to a meeting. Mike was pretty nervous during it. He didn't know why.
When they got back to the office Harvey gave him a lot to do. It felt like it was too much, but he didn't say anything. He had a hard time concentrating. Everything distracted him it seemed. He felt angry and didn't know why that was either.
Later that afternoon he was almost through all the boxes. His head was spinning, and he wasn't sure that all the information had stuck, he couldn't help it. He was so tired. He leaned his head into his hands. He just needed to close his eyes for a minute. They felt so dry. He just needed a minute of rest. He felt a little dizzy and it felt like the table was moving behind his closed eyes.
He was bound on the floor again. He couldn't get loose. The bindings were too tight. It made it hard to breathe. He was hurting and terrified. They would be back soon. They would hurt him then, or worse. He just knew it, he needed to get lose before that. He just needed to get loose before they came back. He tried over and over, but he got nowhere.
He screamed when he felt hands on him. That was when he woke up. It had been Harvey's hands. He jerked back in the chair and barely managed to avoid falling off it. He was panting and his heart was beating so damn hard in his chest it almost hurt.
"What the hell Mike!" Harvey exclaimed. "You screamed bloody murder!" He hadn't meant to sound so angry; Mike had just startled him and he didn't like that
"No, I didn't." Mike immediately said. But Harvey just stared at him with wide eyes and he knew that he had screamed out load. He felt how his face started to heat up.
"If you are going with me to court tomorrow you need to step it up Mike. Quit sleeping on the job, god damn it!" Harvey said angrily and started to walk back to his desk. Mike felt angry as well at once.
"Shut up! I have stepped it up! I've gone through almost all of this shit already." He pushed at one of the boxes. It almost fell off the table, but Mike grabbed it before it did.
"Watch it! What the hell!" Harvey exclaimed.
Mike glared at him as he quickly stood up and then left the room. Harvey saw that Donna got up as Mike stormed past her. She called after him, but he didn't stop.
He just needed to get away from there. He rushed at the bathroom that luckily was empty.
Damn it, damn it, damn it. He felt so damn embarrassed. Not only did he actually fall sleep in Harvey's office, he had to have a nightmare so bad he had screamed from it. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. He pulled at his hair and washed his face with cold water. It didn't help. It felt like he was going to explode.
He jerked and backed away when the door opened.
"Mike? How are you doing?" It was Donna. She looked so concerned that he couldn't handle it.
"Just leave me alone!" He exclaimed before he could stop himself.
"Okay. I'm sorry." She closed the door and was gone again before he could say anything else. Oh no! now he had pissed her off on top of everything. He was destroying everything. Suddenly he felt how his eyes teared up. He stumbled into a booth, so that no one else would see him like this. He sobbed a little in his hands before he was able to get a grip on himself again.
He didn't want to go back to Harvey's office. He didn't want to face Harvey or Donna now. They must both be angry at him now, and he didn't want them to be. He stayed a while where he was. But it didn't make him feel any better. He felt so damn pathetic. He just wanted to go back to when he felt normal. How it was before all of this. Before he was kidnapped.
Those men were still out there. On impulse he got out his phone and dialed the phone number of the police officer that had interviewed him at the hospital. He had gotten a card from one of them and had looked at the phone number.
There was no news whatsoever and at first the policeman hadn't known who he was. It made him so angry. When he hung up again, he didn't know what to do with himself. For a moment he wished he could get high. He just wanted to escape. He wanted to become numb. But right now, that wasn't an option. Things wouldn't get better if he did that.
He walked back to Harvey's office. He refused to look up when he passed Donna's desk and didn't say anything to Harvey when he sat down at the table again. Harvey didn't say anything either.
-SUITS-
"He told me to leave him alone." Donna had said as soon as she got back to Harvey's office, after they had agreed that she would follow him. "He must be really upset."
"Yeah. That must have been one hell of a nightmare. He scared the shit of me when he screamed like that. I should have woken him sooner."
"He has been having trouble sleeping." Donna said.
"So, what should we do?"
"We just need to support him." Donna decided. So, when Mike got back again a while later Harvey didn't say anything about what had happened. He could let it go.
The two of them didn't speak much more that evening. Harvey told Mike to head home earlier than usual.
"Try to get a good night sleep." He said.
"Fine." Mike walked out of his office and up to Donnas desk. Harvey saw that they talked for a while. Then Donna came and said good night to him and the two of them left together. It was great that Donna took care of the kid. Mike needed that.
-SUITS-
Things wasn't as awkward between Donna and him as he had thought they would be. He had been so nervous when he walked out of Harvey's office and up to her desk.
"Is it still okay if I stay with you tonight?" He had asked. He hated the way his voice shook. What the hell was his problem? Was he really this weak, nervous person now?
"Of course, it is Mike. Why wouldn't it be?" Donna smiled at him.
"I yelled at you."
"When did you yell at me?" He looked up at her and saw that she smiled. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but this was her way of saying that they were good. He smiled back at her.
"Do you want to get out of here then?" He asked. Five minutes later they were on their way back to Donna's apartment.
It was the best night in a long time. They cooked together while listening to music. Donna had great taste. Mike felt better than he had in a while. And for a moment he thought about confiding in Donna. Tell her how much he actually was struggling with all of the things that had happened to him. He imagined what it would be like. Maybe he would feel better if he told her, told anyone. He had considered talking to Harvey as well. Then after he was let go and had been in the hospital, Harvey had said that he would help.
But then the moment was lost, and Donna told him that the dinner was ready. They ate and then watched a movie. Donna then announced that she was going to read a bit again and Mike wanted to hug her as she walked over to the chair, a book in hand.
He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He had been exhausted.
He wasn't surprised when he woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. The nightmare had been awful, and he was drenched in sweat. He just laid there and tried to get his breathing back together. It had been so real. It felt like the ropes were still on him. It felt like it hurt in the area where he had been kicked in the dream. He felt sick and his chest felt so tight.
He wanted to scream. He wanted to do anything at all to get away from this feeling. For a moment he thought about how it would feel like if he just bashed his head against the edge of the coffee table. He wondered if it would knock him out. He moaned at the thought. He swore at himself. He was so stupid. Something was truly wrong with him. He was mentally ill. He was pretty sure of that now. Damn it.
In total he got about four hours of sleep that night. It was an awful night that never seemed to end. He hadn't been able to not think about it. It consumed him. He was constantly being bombarded with images and feelings from the kidnapping. It felt like the feelings of humiliation, helplessness and fright he had felt then just drilled itself deeper and deeper inside of him. It brought with it insecurity, sadness and loneliness. He couldn't fend it off.
He was exhausted and angry by morning. He managed to pretend well enough with Donna, but it was just harder at the office when he was faced with the pile of files that he still had to read through. He wanted to just push it all into the trash and get the hell out of there. Why was Harvey just dumping all of this on him?
He had a really hard time concentrating. Every single sound and movement in the room distracted him, and he had to fight to stop himself from yelling at his fellow associates. As usual they just all ignored him, and he hated them for that. They didn't even look at him, it was like he wasn't there. That had almost happened, he couldn't help but thinking. He had almost been killed. None of the people in this room would have cared. Hardly anyone would have cared. Harvey, Donna, Rachel and maybe Louis and Jessica. But that was it for him, and these people were his colleagues. What kind of person was he when he didn't have anyone else in the entire world that cared about him?
No one asked how he was doing. No one reached out to him. He had no one. He felt like crying right there and then. Harvey choose that moment to appear out of nowhere next to his desk.
"What's up Mike? Do you have everything? Come see me at my office."
He turned around and walked away again before he had time to even answer. Mike wanted to yell after him. Couldn't Harvey see that he was struggling? He wanted him to ask, he wanted him to care. But he gathered everything and followed his boss to his office. What had he expected anyway? That Harvey would hug him and ask what was wrong? How could he ever have even considered talking to Harvey yesterday. He was an ass!
They started going through the case a bit to prepare for the court appointment.
"We should win this." Harvey said. "All we have to do it to press where it hurts, right?" He smirked a bit and looked at Mike, but the younger man didn't react. He looked like he was somewhere else entirely.
"Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?" Harvey asked. Mike didn't react and Harvey cursed inwardly. He had had a conversation with Donna earlier and she had said that Mike had slept badly again.
"You need to be nice to him."
"I am nice to him Donna. It just seemed that he is pissed at me for some reason."
"He is not pissed at you. He is frustrated and he isn't feeling all that well. We need to help him."
"Donna, he is a grown man."
"That had something terrible happening to him, which he is still dealing with."
"I know that, and I try to treat him like normal. He just pisses me off." He said it as a joke, but she didn't appreciate it at all.
"Harvey I'm serious. Mike isn't feeling well."
"Okay, Donna. I understand. And I know that, anyone can see it on him."
"I'm worried about him." Donna said after a moment.
Harvey had nodded then when she said that. He was worried too, but it was hard to deal with this version of Mike. He was easily irritated, scared easily and looked dead tired at all times. Honestly, Harvey wasn't sure he could trust him with work either. He didn't know if it was a good idea to take Mike with him to court today. He had to bring it up wit the kid.
"Mike?" He asked. "Mike!" He had to raise his voice to get a reaction from the kid. Again, he jerked in his chair. The younger man hadn't done that before he was taken. They had really messed him up. He thought back of the story Mike had told in the hospital of what had happened. He thought about how Mike had reacted when Harvey had gotten him back, or that first night at Harvey's place. Mike had been so destroyed. He had cried and cried.
"Are you doing okay there?" He gently asked now.
Mike just stared at him. He looked sad.
"What the hell do you think? Why would I be okay?" They looked at each other, both of them surprised. Harvey looked like he hadn't expected to hear anything else than Mike's standard answer he had been holding on to this all time. It was just that right now he was so damn tired, and he felt so angry at Harvey and sick of that question. It was a relevant question from his part though. How was he supposed to be okay with the burden of the memories of what had happened to him? And how was he supposed to be just fine and pretend like it had never happened, which everyone else seemed to do?
Harvey on his part didn't know what to say. Mike asked him why he would be okay. It was clear that he wasn't, and Harvey knew that he hadn't been fine. It was just that every time he asked Mike about it, he said that he was. And now this.
"Mike… I know what happened to you was traumatic…" He began, but Mike interrupted him.
"You know what? I don't want to hear it. Of course, it was traumatic. But it's over now, right? I should just get over it and be fine. That is what you think! I should be grateful? I wasn't even hurt that bad, right? But you have no idea! You have no fucking clue!"
Mike stood up so violently that his chair almost tipped over. Harvey got up as well.
"I have never said anything like that. I've been trying to get you to talk to me, but you just shut me out. That's on you Mike, I'm trying here. You are not making it easy though."
Mike just shook his head at him now and Harvey stopped himself. Maybe that wasn't the best way to express himself right now.
"I'm so sorry that this isn't easy for you, Harvey." Mike said in a quiet but hard voice. Then he left without another word. Harvey called after him, but Mike just left.
Harvey sank back down in his chair and closed his eyes for a moment.
"What are you doing?" It was Donna, she was standing in front of him now.
"Donna, I know what you are going to say."
"I highly doubt that you know which words I want to use right now. I told you to help him, not make him feel worse! You need to fix this, and you need to fix it today."
She turned her back at him and closed to door behind her. He saw how she turned her back against him when she got to her desk. That didn't go well at all. It was just that Mike had been so angry, and Harvey hadn't been prepared for that. He knew he had a hard time with keeping his cool at situations like that. But in this case Donna was right. He needed to fix it and he needed to help Mike, nothing else. Mike didn't make it easy though, when he threw out those accusations.
They were set to leave for court in an hour now. He couldn't take Mike with him though, not after this. He just had to tell him gently. Mike must understand as well that at this time it wouldn't be good for him to come along. The kid should be home and rest. Harvey was going to give him a few days off. Maybe he could even take a day himself and keep the kid company.
He hoped that the kid would show up again soon, so that he could talk to him about this.
-SUITS-
Mike yet again ended up in the bathroom. He spent a lot of time in here as of late. He was fuming. It felt like he was going to burst. He just felt so angry and betrayed by Harvey. The older man's words played again and again in his head now. He had basically said to Harvey that he wasn't feeling well, and he had thrown it back at him. He had said that he wasn't making it easy, that Harvey was trying. Mike certainly hadn't noticed that.
No, he was all alone in this.
Donna was the only one that helped him, but it didn't feel enough. He couldn't burden her with all of the shit that was eating him alive. But sometimes that was what he wanted, just unload on anyone. Just tell someone how he really felt and just have them comfort him. Have them help him, or even hug him. Why couldn't anyone do that?
No, Harvey said that he wasn't making it easy. He could never tell Harvey. Harvey wouldn't understand. He was an ass.
It was just that he had this weird longing for Harvey to be the person he unloaded on. He wanted Harvey to listen to him, he wanted him to care. Just like he had done that day he had been handed over to Harvey from the kidnappers. Harvey had hugged him then. He had said that things would be okay. But they weren't okay, and Harvey had lied. That hurt too. He felt betrayed.
Maybe Harvey thought that he had done enough already. He had paid for his ransom, that had been his contribution. A million dollars. Maybe that was what Harvey thought of.
He sat there on the toilet seat and tried not to break down. It was like he opened his mind and all the worst memories of what had happened to him just flowed inside. The beatings, the darkness, the touching. The same emotions he had felt during that time returned. Then he had wished for this so much, to be back at work. Now he didn't know what to wish for. But he wanted an end to it all, to these feelings.
He jerked when he heard the door to the bathroom open and held his breath as he listened.
"Mike? You in here?" He got tears in his eyes when he heard that it was Harvey. He thought back to the time on that concrete floor when all he had wished for was for Harvey to come and find him.
"Yeah." He said after probably a full minute. His voice sounded weird. Harvey had just been standing there silently.
"Can you come to my office, kid. We need to talk."
Mike heard how he stepped out of the room. He didn't move for a while. Then he wiped his eyes and walked back to Harvey's office.
"Are you okay Mike?" Donna asked when he approached her desk. "I've told Harvey to be nice to you."
He just stared at her. What was she saying? Apparently, they were talking about him behind his back. Donna thought that they needed to be nice to him. He didn't know why he felt so angry hearing that.
"Okay." He got out and walked into Harvey's office without a word.
"Are we leaving?" He asked Harvey without looking at him. He actually looked forward to the trial, then he would be able to focus on something else.
"Look, I think we both said some things earlier that we didn't mean, and I want you to know that I'm sorry." Harvey said.
"Okay."
Harvey smiled at him a little.
"Listen Mike, I don't want you to take this the wrong way now, but I was thinking that you might want to sit this one out. I'll just take the files. I think that's for the best this time Mike. You look a bit tired. You should go home and get some rest. We'll talk…"
Harvey tried to sound as kind as he could, but it backfired immediately. Maybe he shouldn't have been surprised about that.
"No!" Mike exclaimed. "Don't treat me like that! I'm not sick or incompetent or anything, Harvey. I don't need this from you! I've been working on this just as much as you. I'm coming with you."
Harvey knew that it was the truth. Mike had been working hard on this case, but he still had doubts. Mike had dark circles underneath his eyes, and he was trembling slightly. Harvey didn't know if it was suppressed anger or something else. But this was an important case and he needed to be sure that Mike was up for it. Right now, he highly doubted it.
"Can you really handle it then? I know you have been…tired lately. And with what just happened. So, if you…"
"I said that I'm coming. I can handle it!" Mike said. He looked furious.
"Mike. I know that you have spent a lot of time on this and you have done a great job. But I need you to see that you are not at your best right now. You said it yourself that you are not doing okay right now."
"Yes, I have spent a lot of time with this, and that's why I'm coming." Mike totally ignored the rest of what he had been saying. "You can't stop me. You owe it me."
"I don't owe you shit Mike, it's rather the other way around."
"What did you say?" Mike's eyes were hard.
"Nothing. Just forget it. If you think you can handle it, you can come."
So, Harvey had agreed. What else was he supposed to do in this situation? He could refuse of course, but right now he was pretty sure it would make things so much worse. If Mike said that he could handle it, then Harvey just had to trust him on that. He hoped that he wouldn't have to regret his decision.
-SUITS-