Eventually, Cordelia had to start dinner. She wasn't much of a cook, but thankfully she only had to worry about that on weekends, during the week she had someone do it for her, since a lot of the time she was stuck working late. Oh god, she hadn't even thought about her work schedule. Most nights she wasn't even home until after 9pm. Would she have to get a nanny? Did fourteen year olds even need nannies? Sure, she could adjust her schedule somewhat, go in earlier and make sure she didn't schedule any late meetings, but that wouldn't fix the issue completely. Most of the time she stayed late because something came up at the last minute, and she couldn't really avoid that.
Lily wandered down a little after 7, spotting Cordelia standing over the stove with her back to her. Cordelia didn't even hear her come down, so when she turned and saw the girl she just about had a heart attack, jumping a foot in the air. "Oh, god!" She yelled before grabbing her chest and laughing a bit, "Sorry, I didn't even hear you. You scared me." Really, the woman was more confused than anything. The house was old and creaky, especially the stairs. You could hear when someone was coming from a mile away, even if they had the lightest of steps.
"Sorry." Lily said quietly, ducking her head.
"Oh, it's fine. Don't even worry about it. I made chicken if you're hungry." Cordelia said before her eyes went wide, "Oh shoot, I didn't even ask. Do you eat meat? Because I can make something else…"
"Chicken is fine. I'm not picky." Lily said with a hint of a laugh at the woman's panic, "Where is everyone else?"
"Hm?" Cordelia asked, confused.
"Don't you have other kids?" Lily asked, noticing how the woman only grabbed two plates.
Cordelia let out a bit of a laugh, "No, it's just us." Lily nodded slightly, and Cordelia took the opportunity to crack a joke, if anything than to loosen the girl up, "Explain a lot?" Lily let out another, more genuine laugh as she nodded, "Thought so. Sorry, I'm kind of new at this."
"It's fine." Lily said.
The two sat down to eat, eating in silence for a few minutes until Cordelia thought she might go insane. "So, Lillian." She said, the girl looking up at her, "Tell me about you."
Lily's eyebrows creased, a look of confusion sweeping over her features, "Didn't they give you my file?"
"Well, yes." Cordelia began, "But that doesn't really tell me about you." Lily nodded but it was obvious she didn't really know how to answer the older woman, so Cordelia tried to make it easier for her, "What do you like to do?"
"Um, I don't know, I like to read I guess." Lily said quietly. Really, she was trying her hardest to be polite, but it had never really been her strong suit. She just didn't get why Cordelia was trying to get to know her, none of her other foster parents had ever tried to. It was pointless to get to know a kid who would probably leave in six months.
"Oh, well I have a library here, you are more than welcome to use it as much as you like!" Cordelia said enthusiastically.
"Oh, thank you." Lily said shyly as the room fell into silence again, "So what are the house rules?"
"What?" Cordelia asked.
"The house rules, like what rooms I can't go in, what I can't touch, house chores?" Lily prompted.
"Oh, I didn't even think of that!" Cordelia said, obviously feeling like an idiot.
"I figured." Lily said with a laugh, trying to hide her sarcasm.
"Well, you are welcome to go anywhere and touch anything. What's mine is yours." Cordelia said earnestly, watching as a flash of doubt cross Lily's features, "We probably should set a curfew."
What? Is she joking? Lily had never had a curfew in her life, the closest thing she had ever experienced was her foster parents locking her out for the night if she came home too late. She knew kids had curfews, but that was normal kids whose parents actually gave a shit about them, not her. "A curfew?" She asked, hoping the woman would say she was kidding, if anything than to ward off the irritation Lily felt peaking up.
"Yea, like 9 on school nights, 11 on weekends? That sound ok?" Cordelia asked, Lily just staring back at her, "What?"
"Nothing, just never had a curfew before." Lily said, trying her hardest to not be upset. Luckily she wasn't a big fan of staying out late anyways, but still the absence of choice bugged her, especially considering she didn't have much choice over anything else in her life.
"Really?" Cordelia asked, doubtful as Lily nodded. Who the hell would let a kid roam the streets of New Orleans at all hours? "Well… we'll just use that as a baseline then." She said, standing from the table and going to open a drawer and grabbing something, then walking back to the girl, holding a new iPhone out to her, "Here, you'll need this. I already put my phone number in there. The curfew will just be a general rule, but if something comes up and you want to stay out later, just call and ask, ok?"
Lily was hesitant to grab the phone, but she did after a moment, "Uh, ok. Thanks." This whole situation was just weird. Rules were always rules; it didn't matter if Lily liked them or not. I mean, she understood Cordelia was new at this and some things would probably be different, but if anything she expected the older woman to be stricter.
"Oh, and the only real chores you would have would just be cleaning your room and picking up after yourself. You know, normal stuff." Cordelia said, confused as to why the girl was looking at her like she had three heads, "I have a housekeeper that comes in a few times a week to take care of everything else."
"You have a housekeeper?" Lily asked, trying to keep her tone neutral and far less sarcastic than what she wanted to say.
"Well, yes. I'm a lawyer, corporate, so I have a lot of late nights at the firm, it doesn't leave me with much time to clean unfortunately." Cordelia explained with a snicker.
You don't have time to clean but you have time for a kid? Lily thought, and it was almost as if Cordelia could read her mind, or maybe it was just plastered across her face.
"Don't worry, I'll be spending most of the next week here so we can get you settled in, buy your stuff for school, stuff like that." She said, Lily being quick to jump in.
"I have a job." She blurted, "I can pay for my own stuff."
Cordelia was shocked, "You have a job? Are you even old enough?"
Shit. Technically, Lily wasn't old enough to have a job, Cordelia was right about that. Misty paid her under the table, but truthfully Lily would still work at the shop even if she wasn't paid, she just felt calm when she was there. "I mean, it's not technically a job. I just go and help out my friend at her flower shop, it keeps me busy."
Cordelia let out a laugh as she nodded, finally understanding why the girl was covered in dirt, "So you like flowers, huh?"
Why does she keep asking me what I like? Lily could feel her cheeks flushing, a feeling she hated more than anything, "Uh, yea. I guess."
"Well," Cordelia said with a wave of her hand, "You don't need to worry about that. I'll take care of you, and you'll need to save that money for when you can't work during the school year."
"What?" Lily asked, the looming anger written across her face, "I'm not quitting."
"Well, you'll have to focus on school." Cordelia said carefully, "St. Ursula's has a pretty intense curriculum to prep you for college. It's going to take up a lot of your time."
"Wait, St. Ursula's?" Lily asked, not even trying to hide the irritation in her voice now, "The private school?"
"Yes." Cordelia said, not understanding exactly what was getting the girl so worked up, "I'm good friends with the headmistress and she pulled some strings to make room for you. You'll start next week."
"I don't want to go to private school." Lily stated, her expression turning stone cold and her eyes blazing.
"I know this is a big change for you, and I get it…" Cordelia said softly, trying to be understanding.
"No, you really don't." Lily said harshly, "Public school is just fine."
"Lillian, the public schools in the area just aren't on the same level as the private ones. You'll have smaller class sizes and better opportunities." Cordelia said, trying to reason with the girl. Lily just sat in silence, glaring at the woman, so Cordelia tried to talk her down, "Listen, I know this is going to be an adjustment for you, but it's my job to make sure you have the best opportunities and this is it."
"No, your job is to make sure I don't die, that's it." Lily bit, watching Cordelia physically recoil at the harshness of her words and knowing she pushed too far. Normally, she wouldn't have cared, in fact she normally pushed as far as she could just to see exactly what kind of person she was dealing with. But for some reason Lily felt guilty, so she shook her head and started to stumble out an apology, "I'm sorry, that was…"
Cordelia's eyes immediately softened, "It's ok. I know today has been a lot for you."
If it were any other house Lily would have gotten hit or at the very least yelled at, and the woman's response confused her more than anything. Cordelia could see it dance across her features, which was a drastic difference from the rock-like girl she had met a few hours prior. Why was she being so nice? It momentarily crossed Lily's mind that maybe it was because she was nice, but she quickly pushed it away. No one was ever that nice, at least not for long. "Look," Lily said, "You really don't have to try to get to know me. Everything you need to know is in my file."
Cordelia looked stunned for a moment before her expression turned to one of empathy and a little concern. It was obvious the teenager was conditioned to believe that was all that mattered about her, and it explained a lot about why she couldn't really talk about herself. More than likely none of her previous homes had even bothered to learn more than her name, and it broke the older woman's heart. "I haven't read your file. I wanted to meet you first." Cordelia said honestly, watching the girl cock her head to the side momentarily before righting herself. While Lily crafted her responses carefully, she didn't seem to filter her expressions as much, probably because no one paid attention to them enough to notice, but Cordelia did, and she was thankful she had learned to be so observant. It was like having the same conversation with two different people, the Lily that was talking seemed to have everything figured out, she wasn't nervous or confused, but the other Lily was nervous and confused, she wasn't able to figure the woman out quite yet.
"Why? Did they just dump me on you?" Lily asked.
Cordelia let out a small laugh at the girl's bluntness, "No, they didn't just dump you on me. I picked you." Cordelia watched the girl's face become more confused, and she already expected a second, slightly sarcastic why to leave the girls lips, "I don't really have an explanation for it, I just did. You looked familiar to me for some reason, that's the only explanation I can give you. And I didn't read your file because I am well aware that CPS is just looking to cover their asses. Your file is a biased documentation of where you have been and why you left. It isn't you."
Cordelia watched Lily's eyes soften, but only slightly. "What exactly are you looking to get out of this?" She asked bluntly.
"What do you mean?" Cordelia asked.
"Well you aren't in it for the money, and if you wanted a kid to raise you certainly would have picked one much younger than me. So why do it?" Lily asked.
Cordelia paused for a moment, "That's a good question, but I'm not really sure I have an answer. The only thing I can tell you is that I know what it's like to feel like you have no one, even when you have parents or a family, and I know that who you are around can make a big difference." Cordelia watched the girl nod as she ducked her head, giving the older woman a glimpse behind the mask the girl had worn for so long. "Lillian, I promise, I just want to help you. That's it." Lily looked up at her and there was a moment where the lawyer could see the girl look vulnerable, but it was only a mere second before the girl put herself back together, setting her face once again, which just made the woman's heart sink. "Come on," Cordelia said, standing from the table and grabbing their now empty plates, "I'll give you a house tour."
"Oh, I can do the dishes." Lily offered, moving to grab the plates from Cordelia's hands, but the older woman merely shifted them out of her reach.
"Don't worry about it." Cordelia said with a wave of her hand as she tossed the plates in the sink, "The housekeeper will be in tomorrow to do them anyways." Instinctually she reached and grabbed Lily's hand, feeling her jerk at the touch, which made the woman's chest ache, but she still looked at the girl with an excited smile, "Come on!"
They started downstairs with the living room before moving upstairs, Cordelia showing Lily the two other guest bedrooms, Cordelia's room, the bathrooms, the laundry room, Cordelia's office, and the TV room, because apparently the living room downstairs was "formal" and couldn't have a tv. She showed Lily the game room, a dark green room filled with an air hockey and pool table that looked suspiciously like a man-cave, before showing her the library. It wasn't an overly large room, as all the room's seemed to be well proportioned for their given tasks, but it was big, with tall bookshelves completely covering the walls, filled to the brim with books old and new. The room didn't exactly seem to fit with the rest of the house, it was cluttered and dated, the only clear spot on the walls being the large bay window that sat opposite the door, the cushy seat covered in warm blankets that weren't folded perfectly, and it had an old brown leather couch that was covered in cracks. It smelled like old books and dust and coffee and something spicy, a stark contrast to the clean vanilla-ish scent the rest of the house was filled with, and Lily quickly decided this was probably her favorite room in the entire house. It looked loved and lived in, and for the first time since arriving the girl felt the tension release from her shoulders as she took a breath.
Cordelia watched as the girl took it all in, smiling softly at the girls bright and shining eyes. The woman rarely showed anyone her library, due to its stark contrast with the rest of her house. It wasn't that she was ashamed of it, on the contrary, she was protective over it. It was a collection of her entire life, of the books she found at flea markets and the couch from her first apartment and the blankets her friends had knitted for her during her law school days. She never really thought anyone would appreciate it the way she did, at least not until now. It was the least nice room in the entire house, yet Lily looked at it with almost a sort of affection.
"Come on," Cordelia said quietly, taking the girl's hand once again, "There's one more thing I think you're really going to like."
Lily cocked her head to the side, wondering what she could possibly like more than the library, but she still followed the woman, more out of curiosity than anything else. Cordelia led her down the stairs and through the kitchen, slipping out the back door and into the backyard. Lily thought she was going to show her the pool, completely unaware that the girl couldn't swim, but she walked past it without even bothering to mention it, which only peaked the teenager's interest further.
Then, she spotted it. A tiny building covered in hazy windows, ivy winding its way up the brick walls. It wasn't a typical greenhouse, more like an old guest house that had been converted. Lily wouldn't have even thought it was a greenhouse if she didn't see the copious amounts of leafy foliage sitting just inside the windows. As soon as they stepped inside Cordelia flicked on the lights, a series of exposed lightbulbs hanging from the rafters, although with the amount of light given off by the setting sun it wasn't really necessary. The air was humid and dense and smelled of earth and leaves, a scent that would disgust almost anyone who hadn't decided to make a home in it the way Lily did. She felt her head finally clear from all her turbulent thoughts as she breathed in, the way it only did in Misty's greenhouse, although this didn't look much like Misty's greenhouse at all.
Misty's greenhouse was all windows with a dirt floor and plastic tables you could buy at Walmart. It was good for its purpose, but it wasn't exactly pretty. This place was smaller, with less light. A little more industrial and less flower child, with big rectangular windows covering the exposed brick walls and unfinished wooden plank floors, the ridges filled with dirt that had been stomped down over time and had a slight sheen. The plastic tables were replaced with long wooden benches and the tall ceiling was covered in skylights. There weren't any flowers, but there were lots of grasses and other types of plants, and Lily was quickly able to discern that Cordelia used the space mostly for herbs, based on the copious amounts of basil and cilantro she smelled in the air.
"Sorry, it's kind of messy. I don't usually show people this." Cordelia said, her cheeks blushing slightly as Lily looked at her and smirked a bit.
"It's fine. I like messy, prefer it actually." Lily said, trying to relax the woman a bit, although she didn't know why. She normally liked when others were uncomfortable, especially around her. It gave her a sense of power, being able to make even the most dominant of type's knees shake. It was a normal she had lived in for so long, so why was she changing it now?
Maybe it was because she understood it, being ashamed of the messy. The rest of Cordelia's house, besides the library, was perfect. It was tasteful and modern and slightly homey and neat, it was what she wanted the world to see her as, put together and respectable and just kind enough. But this, the clutter and the dirt, this was Cordelia's insides, the not so perfect side to the perfect lawyer. It was in that moment Lily realized that maybe Cordelia was more like her than she thought, a little guarded, just like her, although Cordelia was definitely better at making it appear that she wasn't than Lily.
"And why is that?" Cordelia asked, Lily looking at her with wide eyes. Normally, she would have said something sarcastic, and she could see that the older woman was waiting for it, a small smirk on her lips. Apparently, she had figured Lily out pretty quickly, which should have made the girl push harder, but instead she cracked, just a bit.
"Because it's real." Lily said honestly, trying to put into words the very thing that had always brought her even a bit of comfort. It was more complex than that, and Cordelia knew it, but she also seemed to get it, the words that weren't said, because when Lily looked at her, her eyes were warm and soft and bright, with a small smile to match. Messy was home to Lily, it didn't hide behind the bullshit. It was loud and forthcoming and didn't find itself folded neatly into drawers. It was the late night conversations where feelings came tumbling out, the frazzled attempt to locate your favorite sweater, getting lost late at night and laughing about it. It wasn't polite conversations and a clean house, it wasn't proper, and it always came out in time. Messy was the one thing that made Lily feel something, it was where she belonged.
"This is the place I always go after a hard day, just something about it is safe." Cordelia explained, not that she really felt like she needed to. Lily nodded, and she prepared for the woman to say this was the one place that was off limits, knowing her previous foster parents had always stopped her from encroaching on their getaway spot. "It's mostly herbs, I've never been particularly successful with flowers, but I'm sure you could help with that." Cordelia snickered, "You're welcome to use it whenever you like."
Lily whipped her head around so fast she thought her neck might snap, she definitely wasn't expecting that. "Are you serious?" She asked, trying to stomp out the excitement swirling in her stomach. There has to be something wrong with this place. Nothing in your life is ever this nice.
"Of course I'm serious." Cordelia laughed, watching Lily's confused face and eyeing the girl curiously. She was a peculiar child, Cordelia had to give her that. It was almost like she was expecting something to pop out at her, to say she was being punked, and the longer it went without it happening the more her sturdy disposition slipped. Cordelia could faintly hear her voice rise in excitement, but it was only a whisper behind the neutral level she spoke at all times. It was like she was afraid to show emotion with her voice, that any indication that she was a living, breathing person was a sign of weakness. On the surface, she seemed like a moody, sarcastic teenager who hated everyone and everything, purely disinterested with this life. Maybe it was Cordelia trying desperately to find a connection with her, maybe she was being delusional, blindly optimistic, but she saw something in her, a real kid just begging to get out, she just didn't feel like she could. "You are welcome to whatever I have in here, or anywhere for that matter. We can even get some flowers tomorrow, since I know you like them so much." Cordelia said with a smile, watching the girl snap back into the stoic face she knew so well.
"Uh, thank you." Lily said, politely but flatly, and Cordelia resisted every urge she had to shake the girl or hug her, she really didn't know which she would rather do. Just give it time. She felt the frustration growing behind her eyelids, not at Lily of course, the woman knew she was merely a product of how she was raised, although Cordelia felt very strongly that Lily had mostly raised herself, which only aided the frustration she held with every single person who had made the girl into what she was. Cordelia understood it, she really did. She had acted the same way Lily did when she was first dropped off at St. Ursula's, years of abandonment and abuse taking their toll on the child and making her reserved, distant. It wasn't until she had found a home with the headmistress, Myrtle, that she really felt comfortable enough to open up and pursue her personal interests, although she didn't think she was as guarded as Lily was. Cordelia was always soft hearted; she couldn't pull of the harsh mask she tried to put on like Lily could. She never could be her mother, she could never instill the fear of god into anyone she met, but Lily could, and Cordelia was desperately hoping her gut wasn't wrong, because she didn't know if she could deal with raising Fiona.
The two went inside and Cordelia got Lily settled into her room for the night, reminding her that if she needed anything the woman was right down the hall. She closed the door and headed to her room, changing into pajamas and sitting crossed legged on the bed, trying to figure out exactly why she was so drawn to the girl. Maybe it was because she was like Fiona, with her smart remarks and terrifying presence. Maybe that's why Cordelia wanted to break her resolve so badly, because then maybe it would mean her mother wasn't the presence Cordelia had always thought she was. Maybe, just maybe, if she was able to get Lily to warm up, it would prove she could do the same with Fiona. But the more Cordelia psychoanalyzed herself, the guiltier she felt. Was this all just a ploy for her own selfish desires? A desperate attempt to fix her own mommy issues? Was she projecting onto this child? Maybe Lily just was like this, stone faced and flat. Maybe that was all she was and Cordelia couldn't change it. Maybe she was doing more harm than good.
Luckily, her phone started going off, drawing her out of her certain downward spiral. "Hello?" She said, picking up when she saw her best friend's name on the screen.
"Just checking to make sure she hasn't pulled a Bates and killed you yet." Coco said, "Queenie's here and she told me about that time her eerily quiet foster brother tried to slit her throat, so I got worried."
Cordelia let out a laugh. Queenie was a law school student who was a secretary at her office, and Cordelia's friends had quickly become obsessed with her. She was actually the one who had given Cordelia the idea to foster a child, given that Queenie was a foster kid herself. "I'm still alive." She said in a joking voice, but Coco had known her long enough to be able to pick up on the uneasiness of her tone.
"For now?" Coco joked, "Is she creepy? Or are you just panicked as always?"
"She's not going to kill me." Cordelia said, making Coco laugh.
"So then what are you panicked about? Seems like smooth sailing to me." Coco joked.
"I realized she reminded me of Fiona and now I'm wondering if I'm just projecting into her." Cordelia said bluntly, "I mean, I think she's not as rough as she seems, but she could be and it could just be that I don't want her to be that way."
"Wow, that's a lot to unpack there." Coco said, Cordelia growing quiet.
"Maybe I made a mistake." She said softly, Coco groaning.
"Cordelia Goode, you are a grown ass woman and she is a tiny child who you don't even know yet. Fiona is a selfish bitch who will never see the error of her ways because she's delusional. I'm not saying the girl isn't a psycho because she very well may be, but I highly doubt a 14-year-old who has spent their entire life being thrown from place to place would be as out of touch with reality as Fiona. Her whole life has been a hard reality check. It's a defense mechanism." Coco said, catching Cordelia off guard, although Coco was never one to shy away from truth bombs, they just usually weren't this serious, "And you aren't projecting anything besides your blind belief that everyone in this world has some good in them. Which isn't a bad thing to project on a kid who has no one to believe in them."
"She's right!" Queenie yelled into the phone, Cordelia giggling slightly.
"Babe, Listen. You don't think she's a serial killer, which is already a step up from your mother. Don't let Fiona fuck you up and ruin this. You wanted this." Coco said seriously, "You are going to be just fine. You were literally made to be a parent."
Cordelia let out a sigh, "Thank you. I think I just needed to hear it."
"Anytime, babe." Coco said, "So I'm assuming it didn't get any better after I talked to you?"
"Yes and no." Cordelia said honestly, "Dinner was a train wreck. After dinner we did a house tour and it got better, or at least I thought it did. I don't know, it's hard to tell with her."
"So she's not a tiny ball of anger?" Coco asked, Cordelia laughing.
"No, she's definitely fiery, I can tell you that. But I don't know, it all kind of seems forced? It could just be me reading too much into it…" Cordelia trailed off.
"So you're saying she's a fake bitch?" Coco asked.
"No. I'm not saying that." Cordelia said with a laugh, "I'm just saying she seems guarded. Like she thinks she has to be this… I don't know, this robot?"
"Like a weird dominance thing?" Coco asked.
"Maybe. Or like she was expecting something very different when she got here. She just seemed confused by all of it." Cordelia explained, "I don't know, maybe she's used to something else or a different way of doing things. It will probably just take some time to adjust."
"You would think as a foster kid she would be extremely adaptable by now." Coco joked, making Cordelia roll her eyes.
"Actually the lack of stability makes them cling onto routine and control wherever they can." Cordelia explained, "So it makes sense. I just don't think I actually grasped what that meant until she got here. I didn't think me saying she was going to private school would have caused the fight it did."
"Well duh, you just told a teenager she's going to have to wear an ugly uniform every damn day, I would be pissed too." Coco said, "When do I get to meet her?"
"Never." Cordelia joked, Coco groaning.
"Cordelia, I am literally your best friend. It is my right; you are legally obligated to introduce her to me so I can scope her out." Coco said seriously, "Unless you are still on the fence about keeping her."
"I know I'm keeping her, Coco, at least until her mom gets custody back." Cordelia said seriously, "So that's out of the question."
"I wouldn't rule it out until you actually read her file." Coco said, "Babe, I know you want to give her a fair shot, but you really should at least look at it so you know what you're getting into. It's not like you have a big strong man around to protect you. You're in a very vulnerable position."
"Coco, I can take care of myself. She's tiny, like super tiny." Cordelia said, Coco scoffing.
"So what? I was tiny in college and I still could drink any guy under the table. Size doesn't matter it's how you use it." Coco argued.
"That's not even in the same category, Coco." Cordelia groaned.
"Well if you won't let me meet her then you at least have to read it, for my sanity." Coco said.
"You can meet her, just not right this instant. I want to get her settled and comfortable with me before I introduce her to anyone. I don't want to scare her and you can be a handful." Cordelia argued.
"Excuse you, I am a fucking delight, ok?" Coco scoffed.
"I have to go." Cordelia said, slightly teasing.
"JUST READ IT." Coco argued, making Cordelia roll her eyes.
"Goodbye, Coco." Cordelia teased.
"Goodbye, you stubborn ass." Coco said shortly, which only made Cordelia smile as she hung up the phone.
Cordelia rose from her bed and went to do her normal nighttime activities, taking off her makeup and spotting a key ring sitting next to her sink. Shit. I forgot to give her the house keys. She had made a copy of the set earlier in the day, but she must have forgotten them upstairs. She briefly debated on just waiting until the next day, not wanting to bother the girl too much, then mentally kicked herself for being nervous. She's a kid, she's fine. Just go give them to her. Cordelia wandered out of her room and down the hall, seeing the sliver of light still pouring out from under Lily's door. Of course she's still awake, what teenager goes to bed at 10 pm? She stepped closer to the door, trying to keep her nerves at bay as she knocked twice.
Inside, Lily was sitting in her bed, writing in her journal like she did every night. It was a stupid thing really, but it was the one thing that seemed to keep her sane amidst all the chaos. When she heard the knock she was startled, immediately throwing her journal down on the bed next to her. Since when did adults knock? In Lily's other homes her foster parents never hesitated to barge into her space, she was basically their property. "Uh, yea?" Lily called out, Cordelia quickly opening the door and tossing the keys on Lily's bed.
"Almost forgot, you're going to need house keys." The woman said cheekily, throwing the girl a smirk. Lily looked downright startled, and Cordelia instinctively scanned the room quickly to make sure she wasn't doing anything troublesome, but really all she saw was a notebook splayed out on the bed next to her along with a pen. Whatever she was doing she obviously wasn't comfortable with sharing, so Cordelia decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.
"Oh, thank you." Lily said softly, fiddling with the hem of her oversized t-shirt that she had changed into for the night. Cordelia couldn't help but smile slightly at how young the girl looked, her face makeup free and her curly hair cascading down past her shoulders, blending in with the black, vintage t-shirt. Without the makeup her eyes were big and doe-like, a piercing icy blue that was a stark contrast to her almost black hair and pale skin. She just looked softer, more human.
"I figured we would go get you some clothes and things for your room tomorrow, that ok?" Cordelia asked, Lily nodding back at her, "Alright, I have a conference call at 9 but once that's over and you are up we'll head out, ok?"
"Yea, I'm usually up way before then." Lily said with a wave of her hand.
"You are?" Cordelia asked, obviously surprised. She really thought she would have to drag the girl out of bed.
"Yea," Lily said, "When I work with Misty I'm usually there by 6am, so I'm used to it."
"So you're a morning person then?" Cordelia asked, Lily grimacing.
"I wouldn't go that far." Lily said, chuckling at the end as Cordelia let out a laugh.
"Alright well I'm heading off to bed, since I'm not much of a morning person either." Cordelia joked, "You know where my room is if you need anything?" Lily nodded, "ok, well goodnight."
"Goodnight." Lily said quietly as the woman shut the door. She quickly picked up her journal and read her latest entry, trying to make sure she covered everything.
8-11-2013
Well, David showed up again with his bullshit cheer and terrible khakis, whisking me off to another place with the empty promise that this one will be better. It's never better, even if it seems that way to begin with. Eventually the newness wears off and I'm back exactly where I was before, even if the landscape is different. Cordelia seems different, at least from what I can tell, but I'm sure that will change once she realizes exactly what she's dealing with. She hasn't even read my file yet, which is fucking weird, ok? I can't tell if it's because she is naïve or if it's some sort of ploy to get me to trust her, which isn't happening. I'm here for maybe a year, I certainly am not about to form some sort of weird connection. She can't help me, as much as she wants to, or as much as she tells me she wants to. I can't be helped, that's been proven time and time again. This is just another pit stop on my ride through hell. Yea, that's what this is. Hell. Sounds fitting, doesn't it?
There's an issue though, as much as I don't want to, as much as my heading is screaming at me to hate her… I kind of like her? Ok, maybe not like, but I feel like I could like her… maybe. Not sure yet. She seems normal, which is terrifying because I've never had a foster parent that would qualify as normal before. Only time will tell I guess, and I'm not optimistic.
Is this what life is for me? Just waiting for the other shoe to drop? That's what it feels like, like I'm holding the wires to a thousand time bombs with no timer. I'm not doing anything, not trying to stop them, just waiting for them to go off and finally take me out. Which one will it be? Will I get sent away before I've even unpacked my bags? Will my mother finally get me back just so I can disappear? Will I finally end up in juvie? Stay tuned I guess.
P.s. She just gave me house keys, and knocked. And I actually cracked a joke. What the fuck is going on.
Finally, Lily closed her notebook, sliding it under the bed and lodging it between the bed and the frame. She knew trying to sleep was pointless. She never could sleep in a new house, but her head was too loud for her to do anything else. She just needed a moment of silence, a moment where she could actually breathe. She threw the covers back and stretched her legs before settling her feet on the hardwood floor, crinkling her toes at the cold sensation. The springs didn't squeak when she finally lifted herself off the mattress, which only reminded Lily that this place was different from the others before it. This house was quiet, soft, and all it did was put Lily on edge. She tiptoed to her back pack and rummaged through it, pulling out a small Altoids tin out of the bottom, then tiptoed to the bathroom. Really, she was lucky she had her own, that she didn't have to worry about Cordelia hearing her in the middle of the night, not that she did this often. She sat down on the toilet and pulled the hem of her t-shirt up, exposing a series of scars that decorated her upper right thigh.
Fifteen. Fifteen houses in 11 years, and with each new house came a new scar. Even she had to admit it was fucked up. She didn't know why she did it, it just happened one night. And every first night in a new home from then on out. It started the last time she was placed with her mother, when she lost her shit and slapped Lily across the face. After her mother stormed out, Lily locked herself in the bathroom so she wouldn't have to deal with her mother's boyfriend, and she found a broken razor. She pulled it apart and held the tiny blades, and without even thinking she sliced her own thigh, wanting to feel something, anything, and it worked. With each deep cut she made she felt stronger, more resilient. She felt better, and soon she had a slice for every foster home. She kept the broken blades until they got rusty, then went out and bought a new set. It had become a sort of ritual, and she had tried to break it, she really did, but if she didn't do it that first night it would drive her crazy and she would obsess over it. It became less of a need to feel something and more of a need to do something.
For the first time, as soon as she held the blade in her hand she felt a pang of guilt. What if this place was actually good? Lily shook her head as she pressed the blade into her skin, just deep enough that it would certainly scar. It wouldn't be good, none of the homes were ever good, that's why she had the scars. A physical reminder that she was there, that this shit happened. Her files were doctored up beyond belief, every story she told twisted so she was the problem. There was no record of the trauma, the broken bones, nothing. Nothing to signal the emotional turmoil that followed, nothing but those scars. This house would be more of the same, another scar she would hide behind sarcasm and plaid skirts. She cut higher up this time, knowing her wardrobe would soon be reduced to blazers and skirts that fell no more than three inches above the knee. She didn't want to risk someone seeing her scars, they were only for her. No one could know.
Once the bleeding had stopped she put the razor blade back in its tin, standing and curling her toes under her feet once again. She walked toward the light switch and flicked it. Off. On, off. On, off. She walked over towards her door and did the same thing to the light in her room, after all she was a creature of habit. Off. On, off. On, off. Finally, her body relaxed as she slipped into bed, pulling the covers up to her ears and sinking down, counting the ripples in the purposely uneven ceiling.
Meanwhile, Cordelia had slipped back to her office. She had promised herself she wasn't going to do it, that she wasn't going to read it until she had a good idea of who Lillian was, but she couldn't help herself. She wanted to know. She wanted to know why this girl was the way she was. She wouldn't say she was necessarily scared of her anymore, just intrigued. The woman quickly walked towards her desk and picked up the file, holding it by her fingertips. "It's not going to change anything." She muttered to herself, trying to convince herself she would keep an open mind. She had seen these files before, tried cases that involved foster kids. She knew how inaccurate the files were, the grotesque way they painted literal children who were just trying to survive. But this wouldn't change anything.
Context, she just needed context. That's what she told herself as she crept back to her room, file in hand. As she passed by Lily's room she watched the light go dark, then flicker back and forth. She paused for a moment, but then shook her head and continued her trek. Those light switches are old. It probably just got stuck.
Now, she sat crossed legged in her bed with the file opened in front of her. It won't change anything. and it wouldn't, at least Cordelia didn't think it would. It was just a roadmap, a place to start. A blind sketch. Right? Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was accurate. Cordelia didn't really want to call the girl in and ask her, not that she believed Lillian would actually tell her what happened. She didn't seem very keen to share her stories, not that Cordelia necessarily blamed her.
Extremely aggressive.
Flight Risk.
Aversion to authority, particularly men.
Those were the first three notes on her file. A summation of her 14 years in nine words. Cordelia flipped through the file page by page. Lillian was removed from her mother's care when she was 3 years old and placed into the system, negligence being the cause along with a note that the mother had "Multiple untreated mental disorders". Her first home lasted a year, but it was noted Lily would cry whenever the father got near her and she was removed for being too difficult and throwing tantrums. Her second and third houses noted similar issues, along with her being overly aggressive with her foster siblings and purposely running into walls and getting herself hurt, which made Cordelia scoff out loud. She then was placed back with her mother for nine months, then removed after a series of failed drug tests. The file noted she was also severely emaciated which made Cordelia's stomach knot.
As Cordelia read on the numbers kept ticking up, each placement short and always with the same reason for removal, too aggressive. She bounced back and forth between foster homes, group homes, and her mother. She had been returned to her mother four times in total, each only lasting a maximum of 9 months. The reasons she was removed varied from mental illness to abuse to officers finding an unregistered gun in the home, and each time she was thrown back into the system. It was noted after her third return to her mother she became particularly aggressive in her foster homes, but of course there wasn't an investigation into why, and it was always deemed her fault.
Lillian's eleventh home was where it got particularly interesting. There was no note about her being aggressive, she was removed because her foster sibling, and the parent's biological child, committed suicide. The parents asked that all foster children be removed, and that was that. The twelfth house noted that Lily had ran away twice, and she was removed from the home after threatening her foster father with a knife, but the parents decided to not file charges. The thirteenth house was a similar story, except this time she threatened to assault both parents and ran away for six months, which was unsettling to Cordelia. Obviously, she wanted to believe there was a legitimate reason, and there probably was in Lily's mind, but there wasn't any documentation as to why. It peaked the lawyer's curiosity, one would think in a situation like that there would be documentation of the reason simply to show that the child was indeed at fault, but Lily's file never gave a reason, it was simply glossed over and she was moved into her placement before Cordelia, a group home where she didn't seem to have any issues whatsoever.
As Cordelia closed the file she felt conflicted. The young girl didn't really seem like a threat to anyone but herself, but then again Cordelia didn't really know her that well. Maybe the fight that had earlier was only the tip of the iceberg, maybe there was someone dangerous underneath. Stop it. She's a child. You know that file is bullshit. It's why you didn't want to read it. But Cordelia did read it, and now she knew. She couldn't just shove that aside, could she?
But despite the horrible things she read, Cordelia couldn't deny that she felt connected to the girl, that she saw something others didn't. Her file had been weaponized, designed to scare off anyone who dared to come too close. They want to scare you because they don't want to be held accountable. The file had scared her, temporarily, but it was designed to. If no one could get close to the girl, if they were scared of her, they would fight harder to keep her under control. No one dared to question the file, well no one except Cordelia. The file was a muzzle, it gave no context, showed no evidence, it was just here it is and you better believe it. It was meant to control Lillian, to keep her from talking, and Cordelia didn't like that one bit.
She finally got it, why Lily was the way she was, why she was so adamant that Cordelia read her file. She knew what it was, its purpose. No one asks a crazy teenage girl what she likes to do, no one cares as long as they don't get stabbed. It almost appeared to become a weapon of her own. It allowed her to keep up the façade that Cordelia had seen slip. It scared people, pushed them away, that way Lillian wouldn't risk being attached, wouldn't risk getting hurt. She took what was in her file and built a very convincing persona around it, maybe she even believed it, and that made Cordelia more upset than anything.
Really, her only option was to actually talk to Lily about the files contents, and she wasn't sure Lily trusted her enough to do that yet. Maybe she never would, maybe Cordelia would forever be wondering. The older woman pushed those thoughts away as she turned out the light, whatever she had learned couldn't be dealt with right away, she would just have to wait until morning.
If she made it to morning.