The next day was equally as awkward as the first. Lily still wasn't much of a talker, and their ride to the mall and back was mostly filled with silence. Lily didn't fuss much when Cordelia had her try on the different parts of her uniform, picking up five skirts, five button up shirts, and three blazers, along with enough knee high socks to last the girl weeks. Afterwards, Lily fussed when Cordelia tried to get her to pick out her own stuff for her room, saying what she had was fine. She put up a decent fight when Cordelia tried to buy her other clothes, the older woman finally getting the girl to concede once she brought up that Lily wouldn't always be in uniform, and even then she only picked out a couple things.
Cordelia began to notice some of the girl's weird quirks over that next day. Lily mostly kept to her room, only leaving when Cordelia specifically called for her. She tried to leave that morning without having any breakfast, and when Cordelia told her she had to eat she looked downright confused. Once they returned home after, Lily retreated to her room until dinner, never coming out to get any snacks, despite Cordelia repeatedly telling her she was free to grab anything anytime she liked. It was almost like the girl didn't believe her, and Cordelia tried her hardest to not think about what circumstances had made distrust so ingrained into her psyche.
Lily had asked that night at dinner if she could go to the flower shop the next day, and Cordelia had agreed, knowing she was going to be in conference calls all day. It was the only thing Lily had asked for in the two days she had been there, and Cordelia tried to not seem too excited about it in front of her in fear of scarring her off or convincing her the woman was actually insane. The older woman was trying not to push too hard, there really hadn't been any fights or incidents since the first night. She wouldn't consider the disagreement they had in the mall a fight, if anything the girl had just seemed uncomfortable with the whole thing, which made Cordelia wonder if she had spent most of her life paying for her own clothes. She never had the courage to ask her, not about the clothes or her file or anything. She just didn't want to push, afraid of what the outcome might be.
So there Lily sat the next day, on a plastic table in the greenhouse, venting to Misty and anyone who would listen. "The whole thing is just fucking weird." She ranted, "I went from being able to do whatever the fuck I wanted as long as I didn't get arrested to having a curfew and going to private school with the rest of those entitled brats."
"Lily, would ya just relax? It's probably not going to be that bad. Plus, ya could use a little structure." Misty argued, smirking at the girl.
"Did I mention there's uniforms? With skirts?" Lily retorted, Misty laughing.
"Ya are right, that is a nightmare for ya." She teased.
"Don't I know it." Lily groaned.
"How's ya new foster family?" Misty asked.
"Oh no, not foster family. Foster parent, as in one. Cordelia." Lily said, obviously being overdramatic, "You ever try and have a one on one conversation with a complete stranger? It's the most painful thing in existence."
"We talk ta strangers every damn day, Lil. Ya do just fine." Misty argued.
Lily huffed as she swung her legs back and forth off the edge of the table, "Yea, but that's for like an hour and it's easy to talk about flowers. I know about flowers. This is for hours on end, and she keeps asking me shit about what I like and how I'm doing."
"Ya mean like a normal conversation?" Misty teased, Lily rolling her eyes.
"Literally no foster parent ever has had a normal conversation with me. They usually don't even talk to me, and honestly I kind of prefer it that way. How the fuck am I supposed to know what I like to do? Why does she care?" Lily rambled.
"Ever think that's because she does care? Come on, she might be nice." Misty teased, Lily rolling her eyes.
"Oh don't be ridiculous. Misty, no one who takes on a foster kid is ever nice. They are all fucked up, every single one. She's no different, as nice as she seems. It's fake, it has to be. She's covering something up, I just can't figure out what." Lily said, Misty shaking her head in mock disapproval, "You know she insisted on dropping me off and picking me up? And she gave me a phone with a GPS so she can track me, like some fucked up hunting thing."
"Lil, that's called being a parent." Misty argued.
"How would you know? Your parents were shitty too. It's not parenting its control. She wants to know what I'm doing every second of every day. I can't stand this; I can't take it." Lily said, being very much aware that she was making up excuses as to why she hated that place. "She's too nice. Like startlingly nice. She's going to crack."
"And I'm assuming ya are gonna be the one that makes her crack?" Misty said, throwing the girl a look, "Lily, do not screw this up by pushin' just because you can't get behind the idea that someone maybe, just maybe, is actually bein' nice ta ya and means it."
"I don't know what you are talking about." Lily said sarcastically, "Listen, I'm not going to do anything, but I don't trust her, not one bit. My life is the one whose being jerked around like a tether ball. I get to bitch, ok?"
"Whatever ya say, Lils." Misty said, laughing at the girl's stubbornness. She loved Lily, she really did, but even Misty could see the girl was a self-sabotaging mess. She was untrusting and far too eager to assert her dominance over anyone she came into contact with. The only reason she didn't with Misty is because she knew the woman wouldn't let her get away with it, and it didn't hurt that she had known Misty since she was 11. Misty let out a sigh as the girl continued to rant, after all, she was only hurting herself. Misty knew the sweet girl that was hidden underneath that tough exterior, she knew how funny and sarcastic and caring she was, she just didn't let anyone see it, and it killed the woman, because she knew Lily deserved so much more than she got.
Later, Lily sat at the dinner table across from Cordelia, trying to muster up enough courage to get through yet another unbearable meal. "So, how long have you been working at the flower shop?" Cordelia asked after a few moments of silence, trying to get the girl to talk about literally anything. She knew it was going to take time, and that the first few days would be awkward, but she certainly didn't expect it to be this hard to communicate.
"A few years now." Lily answered politely, secretly hoping Cordelia would ask her more about the job and the flowers. Flowers she could actually talk about.
"And you said the woman who owns it is a friend?" Cordelia asked, Lily nodding.
"Yea, Misty. She's really nice." Lily said, her mind landing on at least one thing that would make it seem like she was actually engaging with the woman, "I think you would like her."
Cordelia looked back at her, utterly surprised, "Oh really? Why is that?"
Lily shrugged and went for a joke, "She talks a lot."
Cordelia couldn't help but grin, at least now she knew that Lillian was totally aware of her lack of communication. "And I'm assuming that's why you don't talk as much."
Lily gave another shrug, "I just don't really have anything to say. Talking has never been my strong suit."
Cordelia let out a chuckle, at least she was getting somewhere, "Well we can work on that. What are your strong suits?"
Oh god. More questions about me. "I don't know." Lily said with a shrug.
And that was where Cordelia hit another dead end. She really couldn't be upset with the girl, she was at least trying, she just didn't know how to answer. Maybe introspective questions weren't the best way to come at this. She was a child, after all, and she was young enough that she probably had no idea what her strong suits were. But she did know what they weren't. "Well, what do you do at the shop?" Cordelia asked, "I'm assuming you don't just sit there all day."
"No I do stuff, it usually varies." Lily said quickly. Flowers, she could talk about flowers. "Sometimes I'll spend the whole day in the back watering them and pruning. But I do basically everything, I cut flowers, arrange them, teach customers about them. Stuff like that."
"You teach people about flowers?" Cordelia asked, Lily nodding, "Don't they come into the shop so they don't have to grow them themselves?"
"Well yeah, but there's a lot more to it than that. Each type of flower has a particular meaning, like roses are for romance." Lily explained, getting slightly excited "Sometimes people come in and want a certain type of flower that is totally wrong for the occasion just because it has a specific look. It's our job to teach people about the meanings and make them something that not only looks pretty, but is appropriate." Lily noticed Cordelia smiling widely at her, and she realized she maybe got a bit too excited, averting her gaze and lowering her voice, "At least that's what Misty says. She refuses to sell roses to someone who says they're going to a funeral. It's actually really funny. People get so mad."
"Well it seems like she taught you well." Cordelia laughed, "Why does she care if someone brings roses?"
"Well, it's because flowers are believed to draw in their meaning. Sort of like manifestation, I guess. You don't really want romance at a funeral, it's just not a good idea. You surround yourself with flowers that match the energy you want to pull in." Lily explained, trying to keep her excitement contained.
"So, if I had someone who refused to leave me alone, what flowers would I get?" Cordelia asked, Lily catching onto the very specific situation.
"Verbena, Anemones, Heathers and Daffodils." Lily said after thinking for a moment, "There are a lot you could get, but those would be the best ones."
"And why is that?" Cordelia asked, utterly intrigued.
"Well Verbena and Anemones are for protection. Heathers bring good luck, and Daffodils are for rebirth and new beginnings." Lily answered calmly.
"You think I need protection?" Cordelia asked, amused.
"I mean it's not a bad thing to have. Everyone could use a little protection." Lily said with a shrug.
"And what flowers would you get for you?" Cordelia asked, trying to see if she could wiggle out even just a sliver of more information from the girl.
Lily paused for a moment, she knew it was a loaded question, but then again Misty did say she should give the woman a chance. Still, Lily hated feeling vulnerable, and she quickly decided that she would tell the woman her flowers, but refrain from giving an explanation. "Queen Anne's Lace, Protea, Hydrangeas, and Iris." She said simply, Cordelia smirking back at her.
"And why would that be?" She asked, Lily returning the smirk.
"Guess you'll have to figure that one out on your own." Lily said cheekily.
"Lillian." Cordelia teased, but pretended to be stern, "You really aren't going to tell me?"
"Google it." Lily said with a shrug, slightly testing the woman. Misty was right, she couldn't push her until she exploded, but she could get a good sense of Cordelia's character by how she handled Lily's slight defiance. Cordelia didn't seem at all upset, in fact, she seemed almost amused, a small smile playing at the corner of her lips. She certainly didn't have a quick temper, but what Lily was concerned about was how explosive her temper was. There were the people who got angry often, but who weren't nearly as volatile, and then there were the slow burners, the ones who didn't lose it often, but when they did they lost it. That was what the girl was really concerned with, and she really hoped she never had to find out.
Just then, Cordelia's phone went off, the woman glancing down at it and scoffing, then ignoring the call. "I was wondering how long it would be before she called." She snarked, "I'm not dealing with her right now."
"Is it a client?" Lily asked, realizing she had never really asked Cordelia about herself.
"Well, yes. But I have a personal relationship with her." Cordelia explained, "Not a very good one if you can't tell."
Lily let out a chuckle as the phone vibrated again, Cordelia rolling her eyes. "Just take it. Better to get it over with." Lily said, "I can clean up down here."
Cordelia rolled her eyes but nodded, standing from the table with her phone in her hand, "Just throw the dishes in the sink. Me or the housekeeper will deal with the rest of it."
As Cordelia disappeared up the stairs to her office, Lily worked on cleaning up. She rummaged through the cabinets for Tupperware, not really knowing where anything was. She hadn't spent much time in the kitchen. Really, the only time she was there was when Cordelia called her down for dinner, she had learned very early on not to take food without being invited, and it had gotten her in trouble more than a few times in the first five years she was in foster care. Once she had finally located the plastic bins in the proper sizes, she went to work on scooping the food out into them, then placing them in the fridge, being careful to not move anything from its current position. She set the dirty dishes in the sink, and she tried to walk away like Cordelia said, but she found herself walking back in and out of the kitchen. She needed to do the dishes. She just had to. She couldn't deal with the mess in a kitchen that was pristine. So she quickly checked over her shoulder to make sure Cordelia was indeed still in her office, and she went to work, trying to get them done as fast as she could.
Maybe it was just her being used to doing chores, but having dirty dishes gave her anxiety. She could deal with messy things being messy, but Lily had learned she didn't do too well with things that were supposed to be clean being messy. Leaving dirty dishes was like walking away from a hurt kid, she just couldn't do it. She could deal with the dirt in the greenhouse or the clutter of the library, but she couldn't deal with a messy room or something being out of place, it just sent her into a panic. Things had to look balanced, they had to fit, and there was no place for a heap of dirty dishes in an otherwise spotless kitchen.
Cordelia had wandered back downstairs sometime before the girl finished, watching her for a moment. She had told the teen she didn't have to worry about the dishes, but she really wasn't going to fault her for actually doing them. It was just interesting, most kids would be ecstatic at the idea of not having chores, but Lillian seemed to be unsettled by it. Maybe it was the routine thing, maybe it was too much to change all at once, or maybe she just really liked cleaning. She had offered to do the dishes every night since she arrived, but Cordelia had always brushed her off. Finally, the girl turned off the water and moved to place the last dish in the dishwasher. "You didn't have to do that." Cordelia said, startling the girl and causing the plate to slip from her grasp and shatter on the floor, pieces scattering every which way.
Lily stared at it with wide eyes, not even attempting to look at the anger she knew was probably plastered across Cordelia's features. "I- I'm sorry." Lily finally said quickly, dropping to her knees as she scrambled to pick up the broken ceramic.
"Wait, Lillian. Don't touch it, I'll get it. I don't want you to hurt yourself." Cordelia said as she watched the girl pick up the shards with her bare hands, instinctively moving toward the teenager, only for her to scramble away from the older woman, pressing her palm directly onto a sharp piece with her full body weight and wincing.
Cordelia froze in place, noticing just how quickly the situation was escalating. She didn't know what to do, she really didn't even have an idea of what was going on, all she knew was Lily was crouched in defense, staring at her with that same stone face, but her eyes gave away her panic. She put her hands up in surrender, trying to show she wasn't a threat. What did she do wrong? "Lillian…" Cordelia said carefully, watching the girl scoot even further away from her as if anticipating an attack, "Talk to me. What's going on?" Lily didn't say anything, but her face shifted slightly, only slightly, as her eyebrows furrowed. "I'm sorry I scared you, I didn't mean to." Cordelia said softly, trying to not come off as condescending.
"The plate…" Lily finally said, her voice wavering slightly and taking on a raspy tone. She really didn't understand what game the woman was playing, it seemed fairly obvious to Lily what was going on, but that was all the explanation she could muster as her throat got tight. But something about Cordelia's reaction made Lily feel like she was acting crazy, and that infuriated her. She wasn't acting crazy. She wasn't. When you broke things you got hit, that's how it always worked. Her reaction was normal.
The broken plate. Cordelia took a moment to try and figure out what was running through the girl's head, taking into account her position and her reaction to the woman. Did she think I was going to be mad? It sounded completely absurd to the woman, why would she be angry over an accident? It was a plate, which she already had plenty of. Losing one was the least of her worries. But still, there Lily was, crouched on the floor and trying to look intimidating, but Cordelia could see right through it. That wasn't anger, that was fear. She was terrified, although the woman had to admit she did hide it well. It was a slap in the face to the lawyer, she knew Lily didn't have a normal childhood, that she had trauma, but it was a whole different animal to see it actually play out right in front of her, and Cordelia couldn't stop her own emotional reaction. "Oh baby," She said softly, "I don't care about the plate. I just didn't want you to get hurt. I didn't want you to clean it up."
Lily didn't look convinced, but her stoic expression dissipated slightly as she got even more confused. Baby? Did she just call me baby? Too many emotions were running through Lily's head for her to make any sense of them, they all just confused her. Her mind was a raging fire with a thick blanket of smoke, utterly dangerous and nonsensical. If she had to give it a sound, it would just be a lot of screaming, thousands of people yelling so loud you couldn't make anything out, just an overwhelming noise. No one had referred to Lily as anything but Lily or Lillian. Misty occasionally would call her darlin', but she did that to everyone. No one had certainly ever called her baby before, not even her own mother. Baby was reserved for someone special, and that certainly someone who wasn't Lily.
Cordelia could see it just wasn't getting through, and she knew her only option left was to explicitly state her intentions, despite her never thinking she would actually have to say the words out loud. "Lillian," She said softly, waiting for Lily to hold eye contact with her, "I'm not going to hurt you. I could never, ever, hurt you. It's ok." Cordelia could see the words register in Lily's mind, but she still didn't move an inch, seemingly debating if she believed the woman or not. To further prove her point, since actions seemed to speak louder than words, Cordelia took a step back from the girl, praying that the girl would finally settle down. She watched Lily's eyes flick back and forth rapidly for a few seconds, trying to detect even the smallest movement from the woman, before she finally broke eye contact nodded, Cordelia finally letting out the breath she had been holding.
As soon as Lily stood she felt the blood dripping off her hand and onto the floor, and she immediately went to survey the damage done to her palm. Cordelia moved toward the girl on instinct, stopping herself as soon as she saw Lily jerk her gaze up and push her elbow out in defense. Clearly, Cordelia didn't know how to handle this properly, and she shuffled her feet for a few moments awkwardly before speaking. "Um… We need to get you cleaned up." She said softly, waiting for the girl to acknowledge the words before she went any further.
Lily could see the overwhelming sadness in Cordelia's eyes, could feel herself drowning in those chocolate brown iris's as Lily's chest got tight, and she forced herself to look away. "I can do it." She said quietly, only glancing up once she saw Cordelia shake her head in her peripheral vision.
"I've got it. Go sit in the chair." Cordelia said, motioning to the stools on the other side of the island before she quickly went in search of the first-aid kit.
Lily stood there for a few moments before she finally gave in, wandering over and taking a seat. Everything in her screamed to just handle it herself, but Cordelia wasn't really asking, it was an order, and Lily didn't have it in her to fight over something this menial. She stared at the piece of ceramic lodged in her skin as her head swirled, and without even thinking she grabbed the chunk and pulled, ripping it out as quickly as she could. It hurt, a lot, but the pain did exactly what Lily needed it to, it gave her a moment of clear thought, of reprieve from the storm swelling inside of her. To her, pain was clarity, it was what she knew, her compass, her normal. It had marked her life so completely she really didn't know how to live without it. But if what Cordelia said was true, she would have to learn to live without it, and she didn't know if she could handle that.
Apparently, the lodged ceramic was actually a dam, and when it was released a geyser of blood came tumbling out before Lily could even reach for a paper towel, coating her hand and dripping onto the counter below it. Cordelia timidly walked back in the room, first aid kit in hand, before seeing the scene, her face horrified and her eyes wide. She quickly flicked her gaze from the bloody shard on the counter to Lily's hand, before snapping out of it and walking over to the girl.
By the time she reached Lily the girl had already grabbed the paper towel and applied pressure to the wound, holding it close to her chest as Cordelia approached. The older woman carefully set down the kit, turning to face Lily slowly after realizing the girl looked utterly pissed off. "May I?" She asked quietly, holding out her hand palm up. She didn't want to push the girl, she wanted her to feel secure and like she had a choice.
She could see the question bang around in Lily's head, moving from one side to the other as she held a silent debate with herself. Then, much to Cordelia's surprise, she nodded ever so slightly and held out her hand. Cordelia gently grabbed it and pulled away the tissue, tossing it into the garbage next to her as she surveyed the damage. The cut appeared to be superficial, although the amount of blood would suggest otherwise. Cordelia was quickly able to discern that Lily probably wasn't very careful about pulling out the shard, and she more than likely did it at the wrong angle and ended up causing more damage. She quickly reached for the hydrogen peroxide and a cotton ball. "This is going to sting." She warned the girl, an apologetic look on her face as she pressed the soaked cotton to the wound. She felt Lily tense ever so slightly, but she didn't flinch or hiss the way most kids would, and Cordelia tried her best to not think of the reasons behind that, of the countless injuries she endured at someone else's hands. She still flicked her gaze between Lily's face and the cut, wanting to make sure she wasn't causing her anymore discomfort than necessary, although she knew the girl felt insanely uncomfortable, she wouldn't even meet Cordelia's eyes once.
It was then Cordelia realized why the room was so tense. Cordelia tending to the girl's wounds was an incredibly intimate thing, something Cordelia didn't even hesitate to do. This was normal for her, she would have done this had it been any of her friends, her coworkers, even her mother. She always had a caregiver personality, but as she ran the cotton ball over Lily's palm, she realized it was too intimate, especially for a girl who came from Lily's background. Lily wanted to clean it herself, she didn't want Cordelia's help, and Cordelia forced it on her. It was too much too fast, and she could see the girl trying to keep as much physical and emotional distance between them as possible.
She thought about stopping, but she was in too deep, so she quickly and quietly finished her work, being careful to not study the girl's face like she had been doing before. Once she had taped the gauze down and stepped away from the teen, Lily finally looked at her. "Where's your broom?" She asked quietly, Cordelia quickly realizing there was still shards of ceramic littering the floor.
"Oh, don't worry about it. You go on and head upstairs." Cordelia suggested, although it came across to Lily as more of an order.
The girl gave a curt nod and practically scrambled up the stairs, closing the door to her room behind her. Why was this situation all so weird? Really, Lily should have been happy that Cordelia wasn't mad, but all it did was make her feel uneasy and disoriented. Had she somehow fallen into a parallel universe? Was this all an elaborate mind fuck? Lily knew not everyone in the world was terrible, but for the most part, the people in her world were. Her mind kept running in circles, wanting to believe that Cordelia could actually be good, then crushing that hope with her own startling reality. No one is good. Everyone has something to hide. It's only a matter of time. Stop distracting yourself with these crazy beliefs. You have to survive.
She felt her chest tighten as she sat down on the floor, pressing her back against the foot of her bed. This was not good. She hadn't had a panic attack in over a year, and she could feel her blood begin to rush to her cheeks. She felt hot, too hot, her palms sweaty and shaking as tears welled up in her eyes. No, you don't cry, not ever. Get it together. It started with her tugging on the ends of her hair, hoping the slight discomfort would ground her. That didn't work, and she pulled harder and harder until she had a pile of broken strands collecting on her lap. Still not enough. She dug her nails into her wrist, wincing as she felt their sharp edges making perfect crescents, still not enough. She dug in deeper, praying for her lungs to finally cooperate with her mind. When her panic attacks came on it felt like someone was squeezing her, like all her insides were looking to bust out. She just needed a release, something to equalize the pressure building up in her body with the rest of the world. She pinched her wrist until it bled, and while it did help a little bit, it still wasn't enough, and she resisted the urge to dig her nails in and pull. A few scrapes on her arm wouldn't get much attention, but giant scratch marks certainly would.
Before she could even process what she was doing, she was in the bathroom with her pants off, sitting on the toilet and slicing into her thigh. She matched them up with the scars on her other one, all perfectly parallel, balanced. She didn't cut as deep as the night previous, she didn't want to have to stare at the scars for the rest of her life, not like the other ones. Those she couldn't forget, she wouldn't let herself, these ones were so she could forget.
By the time she was done, her two thighs matched exactly in perfectly straight lines when she pressed them together. Fifteen on the left, fifteen on the right, and she would have been impressed if the situation wasn't so entirely fucked. Still, as she made the last slice she felt her lungs expand, the pressure coiled so tightly in her releasing as the blood poured out. She had done it, she regained control, but wasn't slicing up your own flesh the very definition of losing control?
Lily tried to not dwell on it too much, knowing she would drive herself insane. It didn't matter, all that mattered was that she could breathe, that she didn't cry. She wasn't vulnerable anymore. She pressed toilet paper to the cuts and watched the white sheets turn a crimson red as a calmness rushed over her, practically making her dizzy, although that might have been the blood loss, she did spend a lot of time bleeding that day. What the fuck am I going to do?
It was hard to be mean to Cordelia when every time she talked it felt like a warm blanket was being draped around your shoulders. It was hard to keep your distance when she was attacking the walls you had spent so much time building up with a battering ram. With each word she spoke, each kind gesture, Lily felt those walls crack just a bit, and it was terrifying. Lily felt violated, having someone try and analyze the very fiber of her being, it made her want to lash out until Cordelia just stopped, but the girl couldn't bring herself to do it, and that made her angrier at herself more than anyone else. She was angry because she knew exactly why she hadn't pushed, and that was because she liked Cordelia, because despite Lily's own rough edges, there was still that tiny girl that just wanted to be loved and seen. But, this place wasn't a home, it was a waystation. It would end, and Lily would leave. She couldn't afford to get attached, to like it here, because it would only cause her trouble in the long run. She couldn't deal with wishing she were here and not there; she couldn't let Cordelia's name bang around in her head long after the woman had forgotten her very existence. She just didn't have it in her to live with that kind of pain, she already had too much.
Downstairs, Cordelia had finished cleaning up the shards and now sat at the counter, trying to weigh out in her mind what she should do. She never thought in a million years that it would be this hard, she wasn't prepared for the sheer amount of mental gymnastics she would have to perform just to try and even be on the same mental plane as the teenager. It was like a chess game with no instructions, no clear way to win. With anyone else, Cordelia wouldn't have even hesitated to go check on them, to make sure they were alright. But with Lily, it almost seemed like that would be a detriment, like the woman showing she cared was the same as aiming at the girl with a loaded gun.
She didn't want to leave her alone either. The situation was weird and emotional and definitely not what either of them was expecting. Cordelia couldn't even wrap her mind around it, so she could only imagine how Lily was feeling. But it was becoming clear the two operated in very different ways, Cordelia preferred to talk through tough times, and Lily preferred to just be left alone. Maybe you should just stop pushing, she obviously doesn't want it. The only real conversation you've had with her is about flowers. That's when she had her lightbulb moment. Flowers. She could get Lily to talk about flowers. Well, maybe not flowers, since Cordelia didn't actually have any flowers, but the woman had a feeling the blooming plants weren't the only area of the girl's expertise. She just needed Lily to talk, to say something, even if it wasn't exactly what Cordelia was hoping to hear. The woman knew these things took time, they still were practically strangers, but she couldn't ignore that despite the tension and awkwardness and uncertainty, Cordelia found herself to be attached to Lily. She knew it would probably happen eventually, Cordelia had a soft spot for almost everyone, she just didn't expect to feel it this strongly, and certainly not this soon.
It scared her a bit, the strong pull she had towards a girl she barely knew, a girl she knew had a troubled past. But something in her told her there was more to the story, more to Lily, Cordelia just had to figure out how to get past the gates of Lily's mind. Gates the girl spent years building up. Someone had to have figured out how to get past them, Cordelia highly doubted Lily was this distant with her friends at the shop. But still, the task seemed almost impossible, like standing at the bottom of Mount Everest, ready to climb with absolutely zero preparation.
That's what Cordelia felt as she moved up the stairs towards Lily's door, pausing at the white slab of wood. Maybe this was a mistake. She couldn't even tell if Lily liked her, all she knew was the girl seemed to be able to at least tolerate her. The woman let out a slightly frustrated sigh, even law school wasn't this draining. Lily seemed to draw out Cordelia's oldest and deepest fears, her anxiety, all the things she tried so hard to break free from. She thought she had gotten past this, beyond the hesitation and the desperate longing for any form of affection. She almost walked away, went into her office and disappeared for a while, but something kept her standing at that door. She let me help her. The teen seemed hardly the type to let someone have their way just because. She could have fought, god knows she could have thrown a fit that rattled Cordelia to her bones, but she didn't. It was a small thing, but it was something, and that was enough for Cordelia to raise her fist to the door.
"Yea?" said a quiet voice from behind the door. Cordelia reached for the doorknob, but stopped when she heard the sound of feet padding towards her. Within a moment the door was pulled open, Lily standing there in a big t-shirt that almost touched her knees. Cordelia had to stop herself from grinning, she couldn't help it, the girl looked adorable. Maybe it was because Lily always seemed to have this looming presence, this intensity. But as Cordelia looked at her she couldn't help the warm feeling that spread throughout her body. Lily didn't look scary or threatening, she just looked like a kid.
"Can I have your help with something?" Cordelia asked hesitantly, "In the greenhouse."
The woman noticed how Lily immediately broke eye contact, glancing quickly at the ground and nodding, and Cordelia briefly wondered if she made a mistake, after all, the girl looked so hesitant. Maybe she felt like she really didn't have a choice, maybe following Cordelia down the stairs and out the door was simply easier than saying no, less dangerous. Maybe it was purely obligation, but despite all the chaos swirling in Cordelia's brain, the woman carried on.
Cordelia noticed that Lily didn't seem to take the lead, always following behind Cordelia as opposed to walking in front or beside her, like a child being led through unfamiliar territory. To be fair, it technically was unfamiliar territory. The girl had only been there a few days and despite Cordelia's explicit permission to use the greenhouse whenever Lily wanted, the teenager never strayed far from her room. Cordelia quickly glanced back as they trudged through the grass, smiling a bit when she saw Lily completely barefoot, the blades of grass peeking up between her toes. Luckily the girl was staring at the ground in the dark, she couldn't see the grin being thrown in her direction, not that Cordelia thought it would be a bad thing if she did. She just didn't want to make her uncomfortable, at least not when it was unnecessary.
When Cordelia flicked on the lights in the pitch black greenhouse Lily was still standing behind her, patiently waiting. The girl had a feeling Cordelia didn't really need her help, the timing of it was too strange for it to just be a coincidence. But what Cordelia was trying to do, Lily wasn't sure of, and that made her uneasy. Suddenly, this place didn't feel as comforting as it had the last time she was here, it felt like some sort of test, and Lily hated tests. The woman glanced back at her and smiled a bit awkwardly before walking to the center of the room, standing at a bench as Lily trailed behind. "I know it's not flowers, but I thought you could help." Cordelia said softly, motioning to a set of aloe plants that were obviously not thriving, "I feel like I've tried everything."
Cordelia looked back at the girl and saw the confusion on her face, but something about her eyes were noticeably softer as she nodded and took a step forward. Lily was able to tell what was wrong just by looking at the layout of the room. The greenhouse wasn't in the most ideal spot, it was placed right in front of a forest, which meant it got significantly less light, not to mention it wasn't really a greenhouse, just a building with a few sets of extra windows. Aloe plants needed a good amount of light, and deciding where to place them took a few calculations. You had to know where the sun rose and set, had to be aware of how much sunlight streamed through the windows, where it would shine the brightest. It wasn't something someone who did it as a hobby would know.
Instinctually she reached out for the plants, but stopped mid-air, realizing this wasn't her greenhouse, she couldn't just go and move things, even if it did help. She hesitantly looked back at Cordelia, hand still in the air, "Can I…?" She asked quietly, watching Cordelia's eyebrows furrow for a moment before she realized Lily needed permission, then nodding.
"Please." She said, trying to keep her face neutral as the gears in her head began to turn. That moment was the reason Cordelia asked her to help, it gave her a hint as to how the girl operated, and it was in that moment she realized Lily operated out of fear. She had a feeling that was the case before, but this just made it clear. Lily was hesitant to touch anything, even something as menial as a plant. It explained why she kept to her room mostly, why she didn't ever go to the kitchen to grab food, why she only ate when it was offered to her, why she didn't go out to the greenhouse on her own, and Cordelia's heart sank at the thought. It wasn't that Lily didn't want to do these things, she just didn't feel like she had the right to, and she wasn't comfortable enough to ask.
It had to be exhausting, watching everything you did, everything you said. Her basic human instincts crushed under the weight of a looming threat, of something explosive. As Cordelia watched the girl relocate the plants, she noticed how gentle she seemed to be, her touches soft and her steps light. She handled them with care, in an almost fairy-like way, like there wasn't an ounce of anger in her bones, and it was in that moment Cordelia knew Lily wasn't "aggressive" in her previous homes because she wanted to be, it was because she had to be, and as sad as that made her, it also gave the woman hope.
Lily realized she hadn't really explained what she was doing, she just did it in silence, feeling Cordelia's eyes on her every step of the way. It was like she could almost hear her thoughts, could feel the vibrations from the mechanics in the woman's brain. Lily was being analyzed and she knew it, and for some reason, she didn't tense up like she normally would. It didn't send a tingle down her spine and make her chest tight. Cordelia's gaze wasn't hard and judgmental, it was soft and warm, like she wanted to memorize every detail of the girl's actions for safekeeping. Like she simply just wanted to know Lily, without strings, without expectations, and while it did scare the teenager, it also made her cheeks burn and her whole body feel warm. It wasn't a feeling she was used to, and she wasn't exactly sure if she liked it.
She looked back at Cordelia as she finished and gave her a timid smile, "Um, they weren't getting enough light. That's why they were struggling."
Cordelia looked surprised, "Oh, I thought by putting them in the middle they would get light from all sides. Guess I don't know much, the label said they only needed a moderate amount of light."
"That's where they get you." Lily joked, "They make their money off people who kill their plants, not ones who keep them alive. Aloe needs a lot of light, but they'll tell you they only need a moderate amount so you'll kill it and think it was your fault, then you buy another one and the cycle continues."
"Ah, so I'm assuming all of my plants should be relocated then? Hm?" Cordelia asked jokingly, Lily giggling a bit.
"Not all of them, just most." Lily said, deciding to push a little and lightly tease, which made Cordelia laugh.
"Well then it looks like I have my work cut out for me." She joked back.
"I can help." Lily said suddenly, then appeared to backtrack, "I mean, if you want me to." Cordelia stared at the girl with curiosity and a little bit of wonder, so Lily felt the need to explain herself, probably for the first time in her life. "I don't just work with flowers. I mean, that's what we sell, but Misty will grow just about anything she can get her hands on, even things that shouldn't really be grown in a greenhouse."
Cordelia quirked an eyebrow, "Like what?"
"Well, she planted an oak tree in there a few years back." Lily stated, making Cordelia's eyes go wide as she giggled.
"And how did that work out?" She asked, Lily letting out a small laugh.
"Not great." Lily laughed, "I mean it grew great, but that was also the problem. Misty refused to take it out and ended up cutting a hole in the roof because it got too big to fit. It isn't really a problem unless it rains, but the birds that made their nest in there can get a little annoying."
"The chirping gets on your nerves?" Cordelia asked.
"Uh… no, not exactly." Lily said a little awkwardly, trying to figure out how to explain without being utterly disgusting, "Misty says it's just natural fertilizer but…."
Cordelia caught on immediately and started laughing like crazy, partially because it was actually funny and partially because Lily was too shy to say the birds crapped on her.
Cordelia ended up taking up Lily on her offer, and the two spent a few hours in the greenhouse rearranging things. It gave the older woman an excuse to ask Lily more about herself, although she tried to keep the questions a little more surface level. Her favorite color was green, her favorite subject was English, she didn't really have a favorite food, but she hated Brussel sprouts, even going so far as to make a face at the mere mention of them, which just made Cordelia snicker. It all was going so well, that was until Cordelia got a little too close.
"So I saw you had a journal on your bed." She said with her back to the girl, not being able to see her tense up, "Do you write?"
Everything in Lily's body screamed abort mission, that journal was her diary, her uncensored thoughts and feelings. It was the one thing she had that was hers and hers alone, even the mere mention of it lit a fire in the young girl's head. "Uh, no. Not really, it's just where I write things down so I don't forget." She said quickly through clenched teeth, trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. She didn't want to freak out on the woman, she probably didn't know any better, and she wasn't exactly lying. It was where she wrote things so she wouldn't forget. It was the one thing that was crystal clear even after the memories had become hazy. It just wasn't for Cordelia to talk about.
"What could you possibly forget?" Cordelia asked, obviously not taking the hint.
"Um, just like work and assignments and stuff." Lily said, the woman finally turning around to face her.
"Even in the summer?" She asked, her curiosity peaked. But one look at Lily's face told her she made a mistake, the girl's features hard as stone once again.
"Uh, yea. I keep up on it. Keeps me organized." Lily lied, deciding to not take the chance for the woman to press further and just end the whole situation, "Hey, I'm really tired. Is it ok if I go to bed?"
Cordelia's mind was spinning from how fast the mood all changed, managing to squeak out, "Yea, of course. You don't have to ask, sweetheart."
There it was, another term of endearment. Sweetheart. It banged around in Lily's brain like a loose bolt, rolling from one side to the other and throwing her off balance as she gave a small nod and a goodnight and walked back in the house. She ran up the stairs into her bedroom and closed the door, flicking on the light. I have to hide it. There's no way she doesn't know what's in there. Sure, between the bedframe and the mattress was a decently safe place, but there had to be better options. She quickly scanned the room for a better hiding spot. She settled on the long white dresser, which had a mirror attached. There was a gap between the mirror and wall that was the perfect size to slip something in, and as she walked towards it she realized it really was the perfect spot, slipping the notebook into it. She didn't even have to secure it, it just rested on a little ledge, completely undetectable. With that, she did her normal flick of the light switch and hopped into bed, pulling the covers over her face just in case Cordelia came knocking on her door once again.
In the greenhouse, Cordelia let out a sigh. She had been doing so well, then she had to fuck it up. Really, she was just trying to learn more about the girl's interests, but it all seemed to backfire. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Lily was lying to her, and she knew the journal had to be something personal to get the reaction it did. Cordelia understood it, sort of, or at least she tried to. It was something she didn't want anyone to know about, and Cordelia had dragged it out so casually. The girl probably thought Cordelia would look through it, and since Lily really didn't seem too enthusiastic to talk about herself, reading her private thoughts of course wasn't going to go over well. The woman had no intentions of reading it, to be clear, but she understood why the girl got so defensive. Lily seemed to always expect the worst, to never trust anyone, so at least this time Cordelia could put the pieces together, she just wished she hadn't brought up the book.
Eventually, she trudged inside, feeling defeated. Lily seemed to be warming up, at least a little bit, but Cordelia had to push too far, ask too many questions, and she was pushed away once again. The woman had always come on kind of strong, she always wanted to let people know she was genuinely interested in them and their stories, but Lily didn't seem to want anyone to know anything about her, and that frustrated Cordelia to no end. She cursed herself as she changed into her pajamas and shut out the light, willing the next day to be better. She didn't know how much more she could take.